Wilson’s Secret Life

We recently learned some more information about Wilson. Specifically, that he listens to police scanners. He claims he does this so he knows what’s going on in the area, to help him avoid riots, traffic, or other potential obstacles and risks that he may be facing during his walking commute. We also learned that he’s very familiar with a well known park for children that is across from an equally well known bar & grill that accommodates a large, and at times brash, LGBT crowd. But what he forgot to mention were the times he himself was the subject on the police scanner. We here at NYA are nothing if not integral in our journalist endeavors, and we scoured the archives to find out more. Actually, this is all lies. We don’t know jack shit and we just make shit up, but hey, it’s fun to pretend so can you really blame us? Of course not. So without further ado, here’s some audio we totally fabricated that makes it seem like Wilson is the subject of police scrutiny.

Download (link to MP3)

@bitchPimps as “Dispatch”
Concept & idea by @sharkchucker as “Officer”
Written & produced by @bitPimps

If You Could Ask My Wife One More Question, What Would It Be?

Here is another round of asking my wife shit. As some of you may remember, I previously asked all you mofo’s “If You Could Ask My Wife One Question, What Would It Be?” and everyone really seemed to like it, even my wife – and she’s no fun. Just kidding honey, (but not really) the questions and answers were pretty funny last time, so let’s see how this round turned out. And as before, I let her pick the questions she wanted to answer and didn’t alter anything.

@CptnSparky: how old is @bitchPimps?

@bitchPimps: Lets just say bitchPimps robbed the cradle.

Brought to you by, CougarLife.com!

@steveanonymus2: take his fucking account away from him lol

@bitchPimps: Noway. Then we’d actually have to talk and spend time together and shit.

Where would I find the time to post smut?

‏@CptnSparky: If it were to go down, who would join you two, if a celebrity would join you in bed for a threesome? #OutOfLine #IKnow

@bitchPimps: Couldn’t we just make it a foursome, one for me and one for him?

Could we do it in separate rooms? I don’t want to be anywhere near Paul Walker.

‏@CptnSparky: Have you ever attempted any of @EllisMate‘s ‘reverse’ sexual positions? i.e. reverse chicken wing bowl, ect..,

@bitchPimps: I may not be up on the latest sex lingo but I’m pretty sure a reverse chicken wing bowl is not in my near future.

Looks like it’s going down prison style!

‏@CptnSparky: Have you witnessed @bitpimps do any illegal shit?

@bitchPimps: Oh yes. I had the great pleasure of hitting up the ATM at 4am to get money to bail him out of jail. Ah, memories.

That was some bullshit too!

‏@bwstrangler: ok back to that magical night in that sketchy hotel room, what was it that got things Hot and heavy? #Part1

@bitchPimps: My mouth and his bit.

I was gonna say when Jackie Gleason appeared in the movie.

@CptnSparky: what is a guilty pleasure of @bitPimps music wise, that he loves but would probably rather no one else knew?

@bitchPimps: I do remember having a conversation with him one time about Madonna.

Look, that was back when she was do-able.

‏@tank_yanker: what’s the weirdest, most disgusting thing you’ve ever caught him doing? #TopFive #IfYouCantDecide

@bitchPimps: Wow, you just want me to list one? Honestly, he doesn’t hide the disgusting things he does. He does that shit right out in the open. Should we talk about him playing with and being so proud of the 4 inch nipple hair he had or the cutting of his toenails on my back porch?

Dead sexy. I’m a lady killer!

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite position?

@bitchPimps: Sitting.

I forget the name of the position, but I like when you’re shutting the fuck up. HEYOH!

‏@mrsjessliv: Name 3 things that make you horny.

@bitchPimps: A clean house, laundry done and my fucking car washed.

I’ve done all that shit before, she’s lying.

‏@mrsjessliv: Does toothpaste or cough drops irritate you vag? #Random #IHateIt

@bitchPimps: What the fuck kind of question is that?

She’s married to a bubble wrap strangler, go figure. lol

‏@CptnSparky: Have you ever encorporated a little strip tease into an evening of seduction at home with @bitPimps?

@bitchPimps: Hell no, we’d be so busy laughing there would be no boner.

We did bang while she was doing a Splash Dance routine once!

‏@CptnSparky: Has Twitter had a positive or negative effect on your relationship?
@bitchPimps: If he’s happy, I’m happy.

Lies! Outright lies! You’re not happy unless I’m miserable.

‏@CptnSparky: How do you feel about Canadians, in general?

@bitchPimps: I love them! That’s my homeland bitch!  Ok, they talk a little funny.

Pft! Pshhh! A little?

‏@bwstrangler: Do u feel like u posses the strength to rip out a mans testical? Have u ever urinated in the back of a cop car?
@bitchPimps: Absolutely and Absolutely not.

Take a walk on the wild side, add that one to the bucket list.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: If you woke up as a dude, would you jack off, pee on something, or do the helicopter in front of @bitPimps?

@bitchPimps: I would immediately fondle my wife’s boobs.

I like your style.

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite scary movie?

@bitchPimps: I’m a huge chickenshit. I don’t like scary movies.

Verified. She also cries at commercials.

@bwstrangler: U have the chance to date master P’s son, some jerseyshore dickhead, or some shitbag named Jeremy, who do u pick? #FuckINeedCable

@bitchPimps: Nice choices. I think I’d rather play a game of Kill, Fuck, Marry.

I hope you’d kill the jerseyshore dickhead.

‏@Truk_Norris: Is it true that @bitPimps #LovesTheCock

@bitchPimps: Only his own.

My cock is pretty fuckin’ awesome.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: Is @bitPimps allowed to go to Ellis Mania with me next year? #BetterAskTheBoss #Pleeaaaasssseeee

@bitchPimps: He’s a big boy, he can make that decision all on his own. The real question is, would he want to go with you?

You have no idea what you just agreed to.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: If @bitPimps nuts were really nuts what kind of nuts would they be?

@bitchPimps: Are there real nuts that big?


‏@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite nickname for your vag? Does Bit call it something special? #JuiceBox #CreamPie #Swamp

@bitchPimps: bitvag.

I’m a gentleman, I usually call it a gash.

‏@mrsjessliv: How do you feel about anal sex?

@bitchPimps: NO. Simple.

You can scream and cry all you want, that just makes it hotter!

‏@itswillbitches: if your pink taco aka vagina was a real taco, would it be a soft, hard or doritos taco?

@bitchPimps: Holy shit dude, if there is seriously someone out there that could compare their vag to a hard or doritos taco, they’ve got serious problems.

So… soft taco?

‏@itswillbitches: if you chose a life of crime, what would be your path chosen? (mob, drugs, fraud, hooker etc.)

@bitchPimps: Assassin. Wait, make that a very hot, sexy assassin.

I’d give you your first contract, a hit on the entire Offspring band.

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s more funny… Chest or vag farts? #IPreferChest

@bitchPimps: WTF is a chest fart? My boobs must not be big enough.

Christmas is coming up!

‏@mrsjessliv: spit or swallow? #DependsWhatHeDrinksHuh?

@bitchPimps: Never waste a good thing.

‘Atta girl!

‏@itswillbitches: if you were held hostage and your captors were to rape you with an animal, would you choose a mouse, snake or horse?

@bitchPimps: Wait, is bitPimps sharing our bedroom fantasies again?

I swear, I only mentioned it once, and that was in passing!

‏@mrsjessliv: Beatles or Stones?

@bitchPimps: Both.

Tom Cruise.

‏@itswillbitches: what flavour of cake would you most prefer to be eaten out of your vag?

@bitchPimps: There would be no cake. bitPimps doesn’t have a sweet tooth.

Fuck a bunch of candy, gangster.

‏@itswillbitches: out of all the soda flavours available, which do you think would be the bully, the emo, the jock and the nerd?

@bitchPimps: Pespi. It has multiple personalities.

Why the fuck are we talking about soda?

‏@mrsjessliv: How did you meet the man of your dreams? And how did Bit steal you away?

@bitchPimps: When you can’t have Paul Walker you settle for second best.

You know I could beat the life outta that little bitch.

‏@itswillbitches: if you were at a disney theme park, whom would be the first character that you would hug?

@bitchPimps: Could we invite Buggs Bunny? Don’t really have a fav Disney character.

I’d go for the one with the biggest tits.

‏@itswillbitches: would you rather be bit by a swarm of mosquitoes nonstop 4 a week, a giant spider 4 a day or bit’s dad 4 3 hours?

@bitchPimps: OMG. And yet another fucked up image of my father in-law. Thanks.

HAHAHAA! That’s awesome.

‏@itswillbitches: do you prefer to use ketchup or catsup?

@bitchPimps: Ketchup, the way normal fucking people say it.

Yea man, down with catsup! Fuck the man!

‏@itswillbitches: do you know how awesome it is to lay down in the middle of a street? #drugquestion

@bitchPimps: As a matter of fact, I do.

You know how awesome it is to be tripping on ‘shrooms and going to the cereal isle of the grocery store? Let me tell you, really fucking awesome!

‏@AZ_RedDragon: Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Better have your camera ready! #GreatViewFromTheTop

@bitchPimps: Is that your way of asking if I’m fat??  And yes, I can.

Big deal, so can I. You ain’t so special!

‏@Truk_Norris: Have you ever gaped @bitPimps with your lady fist?

@bitchPimps: Wow.

I know, right? That was an great time! I had no idea a chair leg would fit.

@bwstrangler: If u had one song to take a shot and or have a drink too what is that song?

@bitchPimps: Anything by Jack Johnson or Maroon 5. Depends on what drink I’m on.

That has to be the gayest possible answer.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: Do you get annoyed with @bitPimps obsession with the show as much as my wife does?

@bitchPimps: Not really annoyed, just uninterested.

You liked when callers had to sing to R. Kelly’s Ignition.

And that’s a wrap folks! Give yourselves a round of applause. And give me all your lovin’, ZZ Top style! Until next time.

If You Could Ask My Wife One Question, What Would It Be?

For better or worse, I asked all you weirdos a simple question: “If you could ask my wife one question, what would it be?” I let her choose which questions she wanted to answer and I didn’t alter any of her responses. So, let’s see what you had to ask and what she had to say about it.

@_Buggs: What pickup line did he use to get your pants off?

@bitchPimps: There was no pick up line needed. After we watched Smokey and the Bandit in a cheesy run down hotel room, I was nothing but wet.

That’s true as shit, it was pretty fuckin’ awesome.

@AZ_RedDragon: What made you fall for Bit? #WasItHisColorfulHair

@bitchPimps: The same thing that makes all you chumps fall for him, his gentle and sensitive demeanor.

I cried once, motherfuckers! ONCE! I think I was like 0 years old.

@AZ_RedDragon: If you could change 10 things about him, what would they be?

@bitchPimps: ONLY 10?

Hardy fuckin’ har. That was a fake laugh by the way.

@AZ_RedDragon: Do you prefer thongs, G strings, boy shorts? #MothersDayIsComingUp

@bitchPimps: Honestly, bit looks best in a Speedo.

That can’t be true. My nuts would be hanging overboard, port and starboard side.

@cogdeth: How do you stay sane?

@bitchPimps: Laugh.

Doesn’t matter if you laugh or cry, I’m getting a boner.

@NCcrushinonRJ: Do you want a divorce? … just kidding ;)

@bitchPimps: And miss all THIS?

Fuckin’ evil. I like it.

@AZ_RedDragon: Were you scared the first time he drive you around in his van?

@bitchPimps: No but the hooptie piece of shit truck he drove me around in made me hide on the floor.

That motherfucker was built like a brick shit-house and is still running. WHAT? WHAT?

@itswillbitches: If you could wear a strap on and fuck one guy in the ass, who would it be?

@bitchPimps: I think the “if you were a lesbian” question would be much easier to answer.


@itswillbitches: If I paid you 5 canadian dollars, can i sit in the corner all creepy like while you slowly eat a banana while watching 2 elephants have sexual relations on animal planet with a random passer by peeking through the window?

@bitchPimps: Sounds like a family friendly Friday night.

This has clearly been thought out. I admire the dedication. A+ Would masturbate again.

@bwstrangler: Who would be involved in your dream Teradactyle?

@bitchPimps: Ewww.

Yea, dude. Have some class for christsakes.

@sharkchucker: Who is your free pass celebrity, that if you had a chance to bang, bit would let you? And who is his?

@bitchPimps: Funny how I could answer this for him but not for me. Jessica Alba or Selma Hayek. Good thing I resemble both of them.

See? My wife knows I’d ruin my life to bang either of those bitches. So in a sense, you could say we have the strongest understanding and relationship ever.

@NCcrushinonRJ: At what point did you think you wanted to go from my ho to my wife?

@bitchPimps: Is there a difference?

Probably Smokey and the Bandit. I’m a catch.

@AZ_RedDragon: Lets just say for sake of argument, does @bitPimps prefer evening gowns or sun dresses?

@bitchPimps: Neither, he prefers short shorts with Juicy written on the ass.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

@AZ_RedDragon: Whats it like being with a guy who has 6 pack abs, and does @bitPimps know about him?

@bitchPimps: That was fucking hilarious dude, I don’t even have a response for that one.


@itswillbitches: Would you fuck me?!?!? I’d fuck me!!

@bitchPimps: Bit says that all the time, even has the creepy voice down perfect.

What can I say, I’ve got game.

@AZ_RedDragon: Have you ever seen @bitPimps dad naked? Would you like to? #IHavePhotos

@bitchPimps: Good God, NO and NO! But thanks for the almost nauseating mental picture.

I’m telling my dad what you said!

@bwstrangler: Mimosa or bloodymary?

@bitchPimps: Neither, flavored martinis or just a nice cold beer.

Women, am I right?

@bwstrangler: team Edward or team Jacob?……………. #NoHomo

@bitchPimps: Seriously, you’re a fucking homo.

OH, BURN! lol

@bwstrangler: Favorite Doritos?

@bitchPimps: Enchilada and Sour Cream. Good luck finding them.

Where the fuck did those things go? It’s like David Blaine sent them into the Cumtardian System.

@itswillbitches: If you were a full on butch lesbian, what kind of job would you call your career?

@bitchPimps: Fucking awesome.

I’m not sure how to take that.

@sharkchucker: Does bit scare you sometimes, and why? #clownsarescary

@bitchPimps: Just once. Before we met and before webcams, he had me convinced he could see me in my house and we were 1500 miles apart.

Seriously, that was a crowning achievement. Absolutely classic! She was scared shitless.

@itswillbitches: Do you have any canadian in you? want some?

@bitchPimps: Been there, done that. I’m all American now.


@AZ_RedDragon: Does @bitPimps still cry after sex?

@bitchPimps: Only if we forget to take out the butt plug.

Those were tears of joy!

@bwstrangler: Are u game for cannibalism if it meant survival?

@bitchPimps: I say no, but with my love for food, my fat ass would probably dive right in.

Guess who has two thumbs and is gonna survive? This guy! HEYOH!

@itswillbitches: Would you let me fuck @bitPimps using @AZ_RedDragon as the condom? #nohomo

@bitchPimps: Only if I could watch, record and reserve the right to distribute.

It’s already on PornHub.

And there you have it, she answered way more questions than I expected! Hope you had fun, I think she did, I heard her laughing a few times – and I didn’t even have my dick out.