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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 10/7/2104

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Alright boys and girls…I had all the best intentions of writing a full and good recap for you today because Tuesday is my new day off and that means that I should have oodles and oodles of time to listen to the show and be all writerly and creative, but it seems like the cast and crew of No You Are are having a run of bad luck between Bit’s water heater exploding, Shit’s being unable to get into Canada, and AZ’s monday going to shit, my day off turning into a non day off with a dessert of my laptop seemingly taking it’s final shit…I will be doing a super dialed in version of a recap that I will hopefully be able to edit on  Thursday in the AM before I go to work:

Ellis is old and his face is falling off

Big hairy men have the advantage in MMA because they’re more grippy and less slippy.

Jude is back from NY and may be pairing up with The Dingo for a one hour Thursday show.

Jude does Hyena readings and signings because he can read, Ellis doesn’t have to do the readings because he can’t read.

Black guys are the best boxers of all time.

ellis is getting his ass tattooed with a big Viking ship because he thinks that he is a Viking and wants to get his ass signatures covered up. Ass tattoos are supposed to hurt the worst of all the tattoos.

Sam and Anahita from Drew on Call on HLN are on the show today and they can not play jeopardy for shit. They also think that men want to be changed by women and yay for wolfscrub.

Ellismania 9.5 and Tour de Horse is getting closer and closer so get excited for some people to be bungeed together and fighting each other on stage and Horse Force motherfucker.

Ellis is having himself a birthday party at the Roosevelt tonight with a bunch of girls that are at his house.

Tully did new music Tuesday but called it something else and did it better than RD because he’s Tull and knows how to pitch even the shit to Ellis in a good way.

ellis reads a Pete the Cat book about magic sunglasses that are an obvious metaphor for drugs.

Final calls..yes Jetta is gone for good, things are cool between Christian and Ellis, and Cumtard still works for the show but they aren’t really talking right now.

 

 

Like I said…I’ll be able to update this half abortion of a recap Thursday morning so don’t hate me, just stay tuned!!!!!!

 

Show Re-cap for Tuesday 9/30/2014

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You know, I was writing the post title for this recap and I wrote and erased Thursday three times before my fingers and brain could agree that no, Jenny, it is not Thursday, it is Tuesday. And oh, what a Tuesday…but…enough about my life (for now) and on to what I haven’t had the opportunity to do in wayyyyyyyy too long which is to listen to the oh so wonderful Jason Ellis Show and write a recap for you fine folks. And you know, I won’t be exclusive…this recap isn’t just for all the fine folks out there, it’s for the assholes too. Enjoy it, assholes, you’ll get yours in the end :D The sweetest dude ever, Jason Ellis opened up the show today letting us all know that after taking a successful cocktail of what I will assume were prescribed drugs by a doctor, he was able to get a good night’s sleep and man, what a difference that makes in a man’s life. He imbibed a trifecta of liquid melatonin, gabapentin, and trazadone and that shit packed a punch way harder than good old Gabe Rudiger and actually managed to knock Ellis out. He’s feeling a bit better and thinks that it’s a great day to be in the studio and to be the man that he is and hey, by the way, Ladies (and possibly gentleman) he is single. But not really. But open. Or not. He may be closed. He’s not gonna advertise. Except for that whole thing where he just announced it on international Satellite radio, but SiriusXM is all kind of small potatoes…right? No, no, don’t get it all twisted, He and Katie are still going strong (I mean, seriously, have you seen Katie?) but she is away for the week and instructed Ellis to have fun and she really meant it. She gave him a full on Hall Pass to have fun while she was away and Ellis is feeling kind of old and all ‘whatever’ about it. Tully himself doesn’t know what he would do if he were ever granted a Hall Pass from his dear wifey, and Ellis told Tully that he should call him so Ellis would be able to talk him out of it because it is not a good idea because there is no way that Wifey is actually okay with it. Unless we’re talking about alternate reality Tully and Wifey, in which case, Ellis advises him that it’s something that has to be done with the right kind of chick because it needs to be known that this is a One Time Just For Fun I Don’t Love You kind of sex, not a Let’s Do This Once and Then Keep Doing It and Not Tell Anyone kind of thing. All Tully really knows is that when his chick goes away, things get weird…but Ellis doesn’t think he’s going to get weird, and it doesn’t really seem like he’s going to look for things to get all sexy either, but if it falls in his lap he sure won’t be saying no.

Ellis then goes a bit off Hall Pass talk because he is not a man to say no to a tangent and he begins talking about how he isn’t on Drew On Call tonight because it was revealed to him that ‘they’ didn’t think that the subject matter would be good for him to talk about. Ellis wonders what’s up with that and what they may be discussing on the show that he wouldn’t be able to talk about because he’s awesome and has something to say about everything and he is by far the most famous and wonderful and awesome person who is on Drew on Call except for, of course, Drew himself. But whatever, that just leaves him with a free afternoon and since people on Official Jason Ellis has been requesting that he goes on the site live more often he has contemplated just going live from inside the studio after he gets a sammich from downstairs. And, yeah, that’s just what he’s going to do. Today at four thirty (which in internet recap land translates to- earlier today at 4:30) Ellis is going to be live of OfficialJasonEllis.com. Boom. Go. Or went. Or whatever. And for all of you out there who don’t know, 4:30 PM Pacific is 7:30 PM Eastern Standard Time and all of you guys in the middle who aren’t in either of those time zones, just figure it out on your own. You’re not important enough for Ellis or Tully to run down the list, you’re not on the coast. But not really, you’re important, and probably very used to having to figure out the time difference as you listen to the show in the first place and because everything is advertised in terms of the coasts. Which is weird, because if the US were a sandwich the coasts would be the bread and the Mountain and Central Time zones would be the meat and the cheese and those are the things that everyone is into the sandwich for. Only weirdos are all excited about the bread (or so Hubbs tells me when he watches me make a sandwich for myself because he will never understand my love for carbs). Anyway….Chicago is in the middle and Chicago is pretty cool so, shout out to you Chicago for not sucking terribly!!!!

Tully brings up that later in the show there’s a guest on the roster and it’s someone who, upon reading his history, Tully feels shares a lot of similarities with Ellis in terms of how they got into the whole skateboarding thing. Oh, did I mention that the guest is a skateboarder? Well, he’s a skateboarder, and I mean that in every sense of the word- including tense- because even though he and Ellis were skating at the same time, Geoff Rowley is still a professional skateboarder in today’s world. Not ‘just’ a radio host of the best show on radio like Big Daddy J. Speaking of skateboarders and radio, right after TJES today there is going to be a super big special and exciting Demolition Radio with Tony Hawk because it is the Ten Year Anniversary of Demolition Radio, and in case you didn’t know, that is kind of a big deal. Ellis is even going to be on it so hopefully you listened because you don’t suck and got to celebrate yet another milestone in Tony Hawk’s Illustrious career. Yay Birdman. Ellis shared a little preview of what was going to be in store on the show from his own perspective because he talked about how, while taping, Tony said to him that he always knew that he was going to do big things in the Radio World, but he can’t believe that Ellis quit skateboarding. Ellis looks at it from the point of view where he wanted to be the best in the world at Radio, and the only way to be the best in the world at something is to devote absolutely every part of yourself to that thing, which, for Ellis, meant bye bye pro skateboarding, hello SiriusXM please let me talk a lot. It apparently was apparent to Will, Tony, and Tully from the get-go that Ellis was born with the gift of gab and basically from the first time that he opened his mouth behind a mic they were all pulling for him to get his own show and to be able to talk more and some of the issue with making that happen, at first, was that the bigwigs in New York were scared to take Ellis off of Tony’s show and give him his own show because The Birdman is a scary motherfucker who may kill people and eat babies in his downtime. After Ellis was given his own show (when Will asked tony if it was okay) Will made the pull for Ellis to be given more time on air for talking after a comment from Tully about how he just couldn’t understand why Ellis wasn’t allowed to talk more and play less music (a comment which Tully absolutely does not remember ever making). So, it really was a group effort that got Ellis his own show and helped evolve his show into the glorious thing that it is today. Yay Team.

Oh, hey, by the way, all you hundreds of millions of thousands of tens of people who are reading this…know what’s coming up? Buncha shit. That’s what. First of all, on October 17th, The Jason Ellis Show will be broadcasting from the Hard Rock in Vegas and you are all invited because it’s free. Stop on down to the one and only Hard Rock in Vegas and check out the show, and while you’re around, check out the after party that will be going down (presumably after) at Body English where you can also check out the debut performance of Horse Force cause FUCK YEAH!!!! Ellis says that he will be around and he will be available so come and check it out because it’s Vegas and Horse Force and possibly some Moto on Saturday. And that following Monday, October 25th, Ellis and Tully will be waking up in New York City because they are the Radio Show that Never Sleeps going to the City That Never Sleeps because, synergy man, SYNERGIZE. All week long, Monday through Friday, Ellis says that he is available. All he has to do is the radio show and Katie (he will be washing his hands in between) and if you want to meet up for coffee or lunch or whatever in The City during that week, hit him up on twitter or instagram or whatever and he will be there. I am already checking my schedule to see which day I have off of work during that week so I can tell Hubbs to take off and we can hang with The Man. Wooo!!! And not only that, east coasters, let Ellis know through the same social media means mentioned in the previous sentence and Friday he will get your passes to go to the SiriusXM building in NYC where Horse Force will be playing in the Fishbowl during the show. And hey, if you have the time I would recommend it because the SiriusXM building in NYC is pretty sweet, and Ellis even says that you never know, you may run into Real Celebrities like Martha Stewart or Howard Stern or Opie…or Jim Norton (who is arguably more famous that Opie). And then Saturday…well, well, well, Saturday, there is to be cricket and Ellismania Mini/Ellismania 9.5 or whatever because Ellis is bringing a little bit of Ellismania to the East Coast since we’ve all been bitching about it. Boom. Fucking show up. Party. Enjoy. Aside from Ellis and Tully, Will, HotDog, Dingo, and a bunch of other cool famous people will be there. I’ll be there with Hubbs. It’s gonna be a party!!!!! Buy your fucking tickets now!!!!

And then, right about at this point in the show I got a call from my Mother in Law that My Father in Law was having a medical emergency and she wanted me to go with her to the hospital because she was bugging out and I didn’t get home until 8 o’clock and even though I paused the show I still missed a part in between here and the next part that I listened to so there is a small chunk of time missing, but, shit happens, fuck you, I’m hot, and #sorrynotsorry I have to be there for my family. Also…as I gotta be there for my Ellisfam :winks for days: the recap continues…

Amanda Bynes has been arrested again for being crazy and driving under the influence and it’s sad. I mean…it’s just sad. As soon as she gets released from conservatorship from her parents she’s back to doing crazy shit, and it seems it was a little too much to hope that she would keep her shit together and get back to being successful. In other crazy news, a flight to Israel was recently delayed because a whole buncha Jewish guys from a particularly strict Jewish Sect called the Haredi refused to sit next to female passengers and is was a whole big hullabaloo. And man, did that news piss Ellis off. He was offended on behalf of women because wtf kind of nonsense is it that they were refusing to sit next to women, he was offended on behalf of being an American (albeit transplanted) because if you don’t like it, this is America, leave motherfuckers, and a whole host of other things. He basically took issue with the fact that the rules are the rules, those are the tickets that they had purchased, and maybe they should have looked into this beforehand, seeing as how obviously they are super-into their religion and have to have had to deal with things of this nature before. I mean, women are kind of everywhere. Existence kind of depends on vaginas. Sorry guys. They took a lot of calls, where a lot of people had good points, some people had bad points, and some people were racist and intolerant, but Ellis was fair about the whole thing. He just doesn’t buy into people being able to bend the rules to suit themselves by playing the ‘I’m Religious’ care, because the rules should be the same for everyone all of the time, and Ellis does not buy into anything that breeds hatred or intolerance.

Next up, Geoff Rowley, pro-skateboarder, mountain lion hunter, and knife maker is in the studio and wow are some of those credentials kind of surprising. Geoff’s interview struck me as kind of weird…part of me felt like he was vibing Ellis a bit, but it could just be the fact that he’s English (from Liverpool) and sounds extremely laid back, but at the same time is obviously a very passionate person. Extremely laid back and extremely passionate hits the ear kind of weird sometimes. But, whatever, Geoff is currently working on a skate video for Vans and has already had 4 surgeries as a result of injuries while filming in addition to lacerating his kidney after falling stomach first onto a chain link fence while jumping in between roofs. But he loves it and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. He’s 38 and still going strong in the skating game, and is the kind of street skater that Ellis really likes and respects, because he is just good at skateboarding and would be good at any kind of skateboarding that he would go for. And as much as he is a pro skateboarder he is also really passionate about hunting and that is a big topic of conversation for much of the interview because Geoff also has a company and designs knives and hunting tools and hunts Mountain Lions (for population control purposes). He also keeps a knife next to his bed because he is going to be ready for a home invader, motherfucker, and he doesn’t buy into the fact that Yellowstone was saved by wolves. That’s some bullshit propaganda in his humble opinion. They talk about coming to America to skate, how donuts were available by the dozens and how Cannolis are fucking awesome and how it’s all about making your dreams come true in America. It was an interesting interview…I’m still not quite sure how I felt about it overall, because there was something about Geoff that kinda put me to sleep, but I told Hubbs to check it out at some point because he’s into knives and hunting and guns and I thought he might find it more interesting that I did.

Rounding out the show there were final calls as well as a call from Bert who runs Drew on Call on HLN explaining that he still loved Ellis very very very much (and kept telling Tully to shut up because he called the show to talk to Ellis) but he just didn’t think that Ellis was the right person to talk about Hannah Graham (a college student who was abducted and murdered) and a real estate agent who was abducted and murdered, and that’s cool, whatever, Ellis is available and Ellis is the best. Ellis was also not too pleased about how he looked in his pics with Geoff because he’s still sick and he’s getting older and his face looks like it’s falling off normally and adding being sick on top of it is good for no one. But, at least he’s not a girl, because time is not nice to females for the most part, and no one really cares if a guy’s face is falling off as he gets older, but everyone is super critical of women aging, because people tend to be super critical of women about absolutely motherfucking everything. Oh, and, btw, the CDC has confirmed the first case of Ebola in the United States down in Dallas, Texas, so we may all be fucked, but, then again, probably not. We have way better healthcare and government and water than West Africa does. A bunch of final callers did call in to share their stories of love and how TJES has resulted in marriage and relationships and that made Ellis happy to hear, because to him, we fans are all a part of his family and he’s glad that he’s spreading some happiness in the world.

 

 

And folks…that’s all I have for today. Big shoutout to @shit_toboggan!!! Good luck!!!

 

Show Recap for Thursday 9/11/2014

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Hey there Lads and Ladies, and hopefully black people who are also Lads and Ladies, but, like Ellis, I’m just gonna throw the specification out there and hope that you are part of the audience of The Jason Ellis Show and are also here reading this wonderful recap on this fantastic site…and, really, no matter how many times I tried to write that sentence, it still feels kind of racist, so I’m just gonna throw out there that my Great Grandma’s name is Xulema and she was from Louisiana and I have booty for days and hold on to the dear hope that I am more than just the whitest of the white. God…still kind of racist. Whatever. Today’s show was not, in fact, a Best Of, which Hubbs and I may have been the only people who thought that for three seconds before we realized we were tuned into the Jason Ellis Channel (SiriusXM 713) rather than The Jason Ellis Show on Faction with Jason Ellis (SiriusXM 41) and Jason opened up the show with a big welcome to all of us listening and his sincere desire to have more really black friends because he doesn’t have close black friends, not to offend any of the acquaintance type friends he has that are black, and he thinks life would be better if he had one. And somewhere, Sal Masekela was probably listening to Ellis say these words and I imagine a single solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he was referred to as a ‘cream pie’ because…HA motherfucking Ha.

Anyway, HotDog wanders his wonderful boob touching self into the studio and he gets to talking with Ellis and Tully about what he’s been up to as of late and he says that he’s been loafing it pretty hard the past few days, which sounds really offensive to me, but he really just means that he’s been up to a whole lot of nothing but getting high and watching television. Which, consequently seems to be on the menu for da Hubbs and I since we have managed to find ourselves unemployed (and no, it’s not because we got caught having sex on a roof somewhere), except for the whole getting high thing since neither of us do that, and not really so much of the watching TV thing since we don’t really do that either. I’m actually fully over How It’s Made…I don’t think they make new episodes anymore (the Dream Cars don’t count because I don’t care about them) and I’ve seen every existing episode about a thousand times. Yeah, I inserted my own personal tragedy there. Fucking shithole douchebag scumbag asshole boss was like “Consider yourself unemployed because I need to blame someone for my mistakes that I make running my own business,” and I’m a little bummed, but also really mostly over it. On to bigger and better things and more time for recaps…am I right? But yeah, so Ellis, Tully, and Hotdog talked about working out, which is something that HotDog does not do, but thinks about from time to time and it seems like he might be taking some lessons from Ellis at his Garage Onnit Gym because HotDog can get his hands on a Tractor Tire, probably. Ellis and Tully also find out that HotDog has an apartment in LA (which I have no idea how they missed that the 100 other times he mentioned it) and learn that his favorite foods are pizza, doritos, and popcorn. Tully pegs HotDog as one of the luckiest people alive because he is one of those people whose life’s ambitions and pleasures are all relatively simple, as he is a young man who has never owned a pair of jeans in his life. I think Tully is kind of jealous of the happiness that HotDog finds in simplicity, but we all already know that Tully would kind of love to be one of those kinds of people, but in reality would probably hate it unless he managed to get a brain transplant so he could have the kind of personality to be satisfied by the simpler things in life.

Today is the HotDog’s first actual day back for his second round of interning for The Jason Ellis Show (which means all those boob grabs were freeloader boob grabs) and Ellis and Tully talk to him a bit about what he’s learned about the Radio Industry considering it is what HotDog wants to do with his life. He replies that he’s learned a lot about call screening and that he’s learned a lot about behind the scenes stuff from Will and Tully, and credits Ellis with teaching him how to work with people. Which is kind of funny since Ellis can come off rather volatile at times (because he cares, no hate here) but he clarifies saying that Ellis puts a premium on having everyone work together as a team to get things done. Then Ellis kind of puts HotDog on the spot and has him host a bit to try out the ‘Radio Host’ aspect of the biz and puts him on for Dude, Am I A Slut. HotDog only got to take two calls from two sort of sluts but sort of not sluts and I had my finger on the call button on my phone to call to have HotDog tell me that I am a slut because I felt bad, but I was behind a couple minutes in listening and by the time I got through they weren’t doing it anymore. Ellis gave HotDog a few pointers on what he can take away from the experience (other than being bad at it, but I don’t think he was that bad) and also let him know that over the course of this internship he’ll be given a few more shots at running bits to see if he gets any better, which is pretty cool.

After HotDog goes back to the Dungeon (or Green Room, you know, whatever you wanna call it) Tully brings up the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter last night, and what Ellis thought about it. Ellis didn’t think all that much about it other than the house seemed cool and he noticed Justin Bua’s artwork on the walls, and the girls all seem like good fighters, but since there’s only been one episode he didn’t really have a handle on who he would pick to be a winner at this point. He talked a bit about the fight that took place on the episode and how, in the after show, the girl that lost was very steadfast with certainty that she shouldn’t have lost the fight even though she was on the ground most of the time, and Ellis said he’s starting to kind of understand that angle, which is an angle he previously took issue with. Ellis also said that he was kind of into the whole aftershow since he was more interested in watching the girl and host talk about the fight than he was in watching whatever drama occurred during the show itself when the girls were crying about who stole who’s makeup. It makes more sense than there being an aftershow for Teen Wolf, anyway…sorry short lived member of DDD! TyPo! (Lol, jk I’m not sorry at all, I don’t give a half shit about that show).

A Happy Birthday is in store for The Backbone, Bryan Cullen, the man behind the scenes and across the country from The Jason Ellis Show, so…Happy Birthday!!!! And yeah, it really blows that your birthday will basically forever be overshadowed by the fact that a National Tragedy occurred on this date in more recent history because thousands of innocent people lost their lives…and there’s no other way to end that sentence. It is also September 11th, which is a date that no one will ever forget, and a day where I hope everyone takes just a couple of minutes to remember the lives lost, and the lives that continue to be lost not just because of the terrorist organization responsible for the WTC and Pentagon attacks, but because of Terror Organizations everywhere…with all this ISIS stuff going on, with the unrest in Syria…wars are still being fought whether they are called wars or not, and there are still Americans overseas losing their lives as well as the innocent people in those countries who are subjected to horrific things every day. I don’t think there can ever be world peace, but, I think that there is a more peaceful world we can be living in and I think it’s important to remember. There are a lot of people who think we should forget, who don’t want to remember, and I understand that…but it’s like saying all those people don’t matter. I’m a New Yorker, September 11th is a big deal to me…I know people who died 13 years ago today and I know people who are still overseas fighting these battles. It’s a sad day, like Ellis said, but Happy Birthday Backbone, you’re a great man to us all!

On to….equally depressing things…Ellis is headed to Australia for the Holiday Season. Like, really. Had to talk about booking flights and stuff and it occurs to him now that he is actually going through with it and he is going to be in Australia for the first time since he was married. That’s a long time. It’s kind of messing with him a bit because there’s a lot of unresolved shit back home in Koala Land and as much as he wants to deal with it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he just wants to be past it and…he says he feels like he’s ready but…oh ellipses, you’re such a brutal fuck sometimes. Ellis has issues with his Mum and how she reacted to him trying to talk to her about things from his childhood and he has a lot of resentment for her and doesn’t  really think that she did the best that she could with him considering the cards that she was dealt. Ellis wants her to have a relationship with his kids and his kids want a relationship with her, and he doesn’t want to let his kids in on the info that screwed his relationship with his mother in the first place. This part of the show was super sad for me. I dunno…there were a couple of callers with some really good advice and a lot of encouragement and Tully suggesting that maybe he should just write his mother off in his mind (until his kids are grown and he can write her off for real) and it was just sad. I mean, really, Ellis’s mother didn’t even text him back when he was going in for Heart Surgery. That shit is colder than cold.

Back from the first break, Women, Am I Right? If you were listening yesterday then you knew this was on the menu for today and after a long break between crazy lady stories…let’s see what antics the female population has been up to, shall we? First off there’s the lady who crashed her car while shaving her vag on her way to see her boyfriend…which is just…amazing. I mean…I get touchy shaving my vag in the shower because I’m scared that one false move will disfigure my very very beautiful vagina…but holy, shit lady…what happens if you hit a bump in the road? Or you know, like another fucking car?!?!?!?!?!?! But, I guess she thought she had all her bases covered since she had her Ex-Husband in the car with her and he was working the wheel while she had her feet on the pedals and her hands and eyeballs on her vaginal area, so I can see how she felt a little more confident in this FUCKING INSANE ENDEAVOR. And, also lady, hi five on getting your ex to help you drive to your boyfriend’s house while you shave your vag #classyasfuck. Next up, there’s the lady who performed a home invasion and bit the face of her female victim and claimed it was part of a zombie game and had nothing to do with her being high as fuck, and I’m just over here being like, The Walking Dead isn’t even back on TV for another month you dummy. Although it did make Ellis think that he should start a zombie game on Instagram, which I kind of look forward to cause, you know, Zombies rule. That kind of pales in comparison to the Florida Babysitter who stabbed a man she babysits for because he refused to have sex with her. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Isn’t the Dad supposed to be all creepy and try and seduce the babysitter? And on and on it went because…Women, Am I Right?

Speaking of New York (which I was earlier and so were Jason and Tully) The Jason Ellis Show is performing a Tour de Horse this October and will be coming to New York for a week and topping it all of Saturday, October 25th with a HorseForce performance and hopefully some Ellismania Fight Prelims cause HELL YEAH!!!! Ellis wants to take some calls for ideas from fans for some new fight ideas because NY is gonna be a test run for whichever fight seems like it will work the best and then that is going to be a new fight at the long anticipated Ellismania 10, prolly in Vegas. Ellis is still backing his Master Blaster idea where two people are strapped to him and Kit Cope and they all duke it out and there are some other promising ideas put forth by callers including a Blindfold Fight, A Bouncy Castle type Fight, a T-Rex Fight, a Fight with weighted Boots, and some other things which I missed because shit happened and I lost 5 minutes…but it was only five minutes so…deal with it. Tully also brought up an idea for Shock Collar Charades performed by fans which I think sounds like an amazing idea and I fully volunteer to don the shock collar and act out charades for Hubbs to guess…because that’s sexy, because I’m a freak. They’re also thinking about bringing the punch pad out here and letting fans throw some punches, and having HotDog judge him some East Coast Boobies…which, again, I volunteer myself for, because my boobs are awesome and Hubbs is cool with it because it’s for a good cause.

Back from another break Tully and Ellis are talking about a statue in Vancouver that is a giant Satan where the penis was taken off for being offensive. There is a petition going around to have the Satan statue re-endowed and the police up there are all ‘hey, come on down and get the penis’ but no one has fallen for that one yet. They go on to talk about all manner of statues that could be lewd and crude and offensive and wonder if they would be forced to take them down or not, and if the same size statue, but of Jesus or something Christian were around, if people would have a problem with it. This gets transitioned into a veryveryveryvery long segment where Tully wonders if there’s any other Celebrity/Public figure that deserves to be taken care of/given a job a la World’s Greatest Wednesday Hulk Hogan. And…honestly…I was not a big fan of the segment. It went on for like 45 minutes longer than it should of and my mind constantly wandered to, “huh, I guess they didn’t have much planned for the show today” and if I pumped it up and was all, ‘best segment ever’ I’d be a liar and I am not a liar. I enjoyed it for the first 15 minutes, approximately, but then it got all draggy and I continued taking notes but not being too happy about it. There are several celebs who Ellis and Tully think are deserving of the Hulk Hogan treatment, like Marilyn Manson, Cindy Lauper, Pamela Anderson, Danzig, David Lee Roth, and Mr. T…and they should be showered with small apartments or farms in Minnesota, but there were tons of celebs offered up by the callers that got the big ‘hell no’ or the less offensive, ‘no, they don’t really need any help, they’re doing good’ like Tomg Green, Pauly Shore, LT, Ralph Macchio, and Vanilla Ice. Like I said, I didn’t really enjoy the segment and it fell kinda flat, so I’m not going to subject you to reading about it because in this case, I HAVE ALL THE POWER SO YOU GOTS TO BE SUBJECTED TO MY WILL NIETSCHE-STYLE.

Rounding out the show, amidst final calls, Tully brings up that Ellis will be on with Dr. Drew tonight and one of the things that he will be discussing is the lady who decided to give her child some Fireball Whiskey, post a pic of it to Facebook, and subsequently was arrested. Now, Ellis and Tully seem to agree that this woman was very stupid to post the picture to social media given that in these wonderful times we live in, there are whistle blowers everywhere, and she may generally not be the best mom ever…but criminal? They go back and forth on the difference of if it had been a sip of beer, if the kid had been older than 7, if it was a shot as opposed to a sip…and I just think that we’re in different times. Things that our parents did to us or for us, are things that get people arrested today, for better or for worse. No…you probably should not give a 7 year old a sip of whiskey, but you should definitely not do it and then post it to Facebook. I don’t remember when I had my first taste of wine, but I was prolly around 9 and my parents didn’t make a big deal about it. I don’t really worry about it with my stepson because he thinks that Daddy’s beer smells really bad (probably because he thinks anything that isn’t water is disgusting). Do I think the lady should have been arrested and that she should go to jail? Not really. If anything, yeah, maybe get CPS to pay her a visit and make sure everything is going okay and at most she should have been given some sort of citation…but prolly having her arrested is insane. There was a caller that suggested that maybe there was something more going on behind the scenes since she experienced something similar and DSS asked her a couple questions and everything was okay…but I don’t even know about that. Social workers are people, they have to rely on their own instincts to make judgment calls and sometimes they can be overly cautious…also, considering the amount of scrutiny that Social Workers are under nowadays some may operate under the ‘better safe than sorry’ policy that can lead to traumatic experiences for families who haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever…just some thoughts.

What we learned on TJES today:

Ellis wants more black friends

HotDog gets the refillable bucket of popcorn at the movie theater so he can bring it home for snacktime

Caller Holly is a Slut…and she knows it

Ellis is going to start Transcendental Meditation with Katie

Don’t shave and drive

Sluggo Hurt his back

Leave Danzig Alone

BJ Baldwin is kind of a superstar

Minnesota has plenty of room to give some celebs free farms

Burt Reynolds > Ocean’s 11 cast

Ellis is going to see Sam Tripoli perform some comedy tonight

Good Comedy is way harder to find than Good Tits

 

 

Thanks for listening to me blather on, guys!!! Love you xoxo

Show Recap for Thursday 8/28/2014

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When all else fails and everything is kind of turning in to shit…get yourself some wolves. Dig deep, find your inner howl, and release a pack of wolves because apparently, those fucks are roving packs of Mr. Fix Its. Ellis opened up the show with some howling wolf audio and some guy who sounded a lot like Malcom McDowell telling all us wonderful and dedicated listeners about how at one point in the 90’s Yellowstone National Park was kind of turning to shit and to fix it, they released a pack of wolves and after a few years, the wolves had that place running in tip top shape. Boom. That was a severe over simplification of what was actually said, but it boils down to wolves are awesome, which we all already knew. The ever wonderful unofficial Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show, our Twitter Feeds, and NYA- Bitpimps, was to thank for sending that tidbit to the show, and it’s a pretty neat video that you should go watch because I took the time to type ‘wolves at Yellowstone’ into google and put the link up for you guys. Guess what?!?! Tully is back!! He isn’t 100% yet, but he’s back and sounds mostly like himself with the occasional cough and Ellis officially has been diagnosed with Giardia, which is a disease that you can catch from your houselhold pets and makes your tummy all sad and crampy and your poopie all…diarrhea-y and stuff. Ugh. But, at least now Ellis knows what he has and he can take antibiotics and get all better and..oh…he can’t take antibiotics yet because he couldn’t get them before he started the show, but man he can not wait to start taking those antibiotics because Dr. Drew (who has had Giardia twice allegedly) told him that as soon as the meds are in his system he will immediately start feeling better. Tully missed a lot while he was home sick, and he knows some of what he missed and isn’t clear on some other things. One of the first things that Tully asks about is if Ellis had something stuck up his ass, to which Ellis tells him that no he just had to do a poopy in the doctors office and scoop it into vials (which Tully knew because he saw the instagram photo) but all Katie had done at the doctor was a Q-Tip in her bum. But what Tully was referring to was Wednesday’s show where Joanna Angel shocked Ellis’s hole and put an Ice Stick up in and around there (allegedly). They spend some time talking about how Ellis could possibly transmit the Giardia to other people and wonders if he put Tully, the Guys of the Green Room, and tons of other (much more innocent) bystanders at risk for the disease just by shaking hands. Will pops his head in (metaphorically) to say that of course he already googled that shit and he’s pretty sure that they are in the clear, and Tully adds in the tidbit that Giardia is transmitted by fecal/oral contamination so they should be in the clear so long as Ellis washes his hands and no one eats shit. Which is a sentence I should have written after I heated up my Quesadilla because now I’m all ‘ew’.

In other news, Suge Knight was shot 6 times last week and didn’t die, and also didn’t tell the cops who it was that shot him. Tully and Ellis think that he didn’t rat out who shot him because now, MotherFucking Suge Knight is gonna come for you so you better start running now or hope that the cops find you first. Ellis and Tully also devise a plan where Suge Knight could successfully assasinate P. Diddy (because of course it’s Diddy who is behind all of it) by finding some random guy, throwing a blonde wig, a Monster hat, some sunnies, and a Grenade hoodie on him because, boom, Dingo, and no one ever suspects The Dingo. Plus, although he is a rather attention attraction fellow, he is relatively nondescript at the same time, and it would be totally possible to dress anybody up into a Dingo Doppelganger and make him an assassin. I also decided that I am going to dress up as The Dingo for Halloween and enlisted Hubbs to be my bestie Kelly Osbourne. Hubbs hasn’t agreed to it yet, and I’m sure it will be hard to find heels for his gigantic feet…but oh my god, that visual is totally worth it. Hubbs told me that’s why he never got dressed up for Halloween and I told him ‘booooooooooooo’.

On to the subject of kids, The Ellis kids were having a giant fight before Ellis came into the show today and it got so bad that he had to bring up the whole, ‘any of us could die at any time and how would you like for the last thing you said to be nonsense’ thing which Ellis said made Tiggie pretty bummed out but Devin was trying to be all stiff upper lip about it and Ellis really had to drive the point home. Devin also talked to Ellis about how Mummy is on her cell phone too much and it bummed her out, so Ellis had to make the call to Mummy and instead of there being a fight about it, Mummy was all “Okay, I’m going to have to check that” and Ellis said that he would check his cell phone use also because it’s always so easy to fall into the cell phone trap these days. Tully agrees whole heartedly with this because he knows he and Wifey fall in to the trap because there’s only so many times you can introduce toys to each other over and over ad nauseum for 6 months without wanting to distract yourself with whatever may be in your inbox or on social media. Tully goes on to say that Cell Phones are the Cancer Sticks of yesteryear and he doesn’t want to pass the habit on to Little Dude because he feels like it’s shameful.

So, Vaginas!!! I mean, everyone has one, right? Oh no? Just me? Oh…not just me? Just the girls. That’s right. The females have the vaginas. Tully brings us back from the break with a segment on vaginas, because, well, some listeners have them and some listeners want to play with them, so why not know some more about them? Tully found some articles online about vaginal maintenance that keeps your vag in tip top shape and makes it smell like roses and taste like ambrosia, or some sort of nonsense. The recipe for sweet smelling and super nom tasting vagina include washing the vag twice a day, airing out the cookie and wearing cotton panties, not spraying perfume on your box, waxing the beave (because sweat clings to pubic hair), using baby wipes after using the bathroom, having a vegetarian diet, not consuming beer/coffee/spicy food/alcohol/asparagus/raw onion/garlic, not having yeast infections (yeah, because we try and have those), and dipping a tampon in yogurt and shoving it up your hole. Now…this turned out to be a lot more controversial than i think Tully or Ellis anticipated because there were tons of phone calls from girls about what was wrong and what was right and there was a girl who was all about spraying perfume on her box, and a girl who talked like everything was a question that I wanted to throttle because I hate that…and if there is one thing I know..it’s don’t stick yogurt up your twat. That’s ridiculous. Eat yogurt. It is good for your vag…but when you eat it. The next part of the vag segment involved disgusting vagina stories because someone from TheFrisky.com decided that if guys get to throw around words like ‘dick cheese’ then ladies should be able to talk about ‘period boogers’…and you know what? Fuck that. I’m a female..I know what goes on down there..I would much rather hear about dick cheese (even though I don’t think I’ve heard that description since I was about 16) than anything gross regarding what goes on with vaginas. Vaginas are fucking terrifying when they want to be. Case closed. And the nasty bitch who wrote the article about maxi pad diapers, double stuffing tampons, and tampons getting lost in the abyss…shame on you, bitch, because that did no good for anyone. I don’t talk about that with anyone. Me and my closest girlfriends…the closest we get to talk about any grossness regarding menstrual cycles is exclusive to the following phrase, “Oh my god, it was like a massacre/crime scene”. That’s it. My closest fucking female friend. There is no detail, there is no harping on…periods are gross. I tell Hubbs when it hurts, when it makes me feel sick, he rubs my tummy, and four days later…life moves on. A caller named CeeCee…who was a doctor, related a tale about removing a fist sized tampon from some poor girl’s vag after it had been up there for a month and the smell was so bad they had to close down a part of the ER. And really…Will was retching in the green room the entire segment, Ellis kept pushing vomit-noise buttons and the whole thing was foul. And I wound up listening to this part twice and both times I was all, “Why, just…why?” To which Hubbs responded, “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you may have a Vagina, but I’m the one who licks it.”

Justin Bua MMA enthusiast and artist extraordinaire is back in the studio to critique some more TJES artwork but before he does that…they play some catch up and talk MMA, Ronda Rousey, Jason Momoa, and Bua also shares some artwork from his own personal sketchbook which none of us get to see because we are not as cool as Ellis and Tully. Apparently he draws vaginas and naked women and things of that nature in his personal sketchbook, because he really and truly appreciates the female form in all shapes and sizes because it’s a beautiful thing. Bua’s artwork is going to be on display in the new season of The Ultimate Fighter’s Fighter House, and also says that this season is the first all female UF season and that should be cook, cause chicks beating each other up is really pretty awesome. Tully brings up Justin Bua’s new reality show that is going to be on the Oxygen Network and involves street art, and I think most of the reason he brings it up at all is because Tully doesn’t like a lot of street art because it’s nonsense. Bua says that there is a lot of street art out there that is bad art, because not everyone is a good artist, and street art is very reflective of what’s going on in society and our society is kind of in a stage of being a big pile of shit. Bua also tells everyone that he is going to be one of the people in charge of picking out the art for USPS stamps for the foreseeable future, which is pretty badass and something I never really thought of before. I mean…people collect stamps, but there aren’t a lot of letters getting sent anymore…so…are they gonna keep producing stamps just for people to go on collecting? Seems kind of weird. For the art critique, everyone drew pictures of wolves and Bua gave them all their props, as he did the last time he was on the show. He is a very open minded guy, and if you follow the link that I posted earlier in this paragraph, you’ll see why I said that. The one that undoubtedly caused the most stir was Will’s drawing of a wolf with melting feet on top of a cross, which had some sort of biblical quote around the top of it and then a bunch of characters from random foreign languages around the bottom part of it. Ellis accused Will of tracing, which Will vehemently denied, and Will eventually conceded that he just picked out the characters because he liked how it looked and he needed something to round the picture out. An answer which Justin Bua basically fed to him.

For the last part of the show they played another video which had been sent to them by Bitpimps involving a gay 20 year old male getting into a fight with his family members when his mother throws him out of the house for being gay. It was really sad. I hate that. Ellis hated it and Tully wasn’t really a fan of it either. Ellis still finds it really hard to believe that there are people who would turn their back on their children for being gay in the name of religion, and a modicum of hope was restored in humanity when a caller told the show that she was Christian and that anyone who used their religion as an excuse for why they don’t like gay people are just insane because Christians are supposed to love and forgive and leave it for God to judge us all. Then, for a second, they were going to do some Wolfknives names, but then Ellis wasn’t really feeling it. Ellis started fading out because his tumtum hurt and Tully was fading as well since he’s still kind of sick and they moved on to doing some Teen Advice. It wasn’t the best Teen Advice segment that I’ve ever heard and it boils down to- don’t have sex until you are ready, if your parents make you wear adult diapers for one bed wetting incident that they blame on masturbation you should run away, moms can be really creepy, and if you have no friends, interests, hobbies, or talents, you should probably work for The Jason Ellis Show. Final calls had their ups and downs, lots of sex advice wound up getting thrown around and asked for, you should never force your wife to have sex with you but if it’s been a year and a half you need to find a better therapist, and if your girlfriend doesn’t like sucking your dick, she just might not like sucking your dick, which is a shame because Blow Jobs are awesome.

That’s all I have folks…sorry for the lateness, sorry for the shortness (usually I try to be much more detailed) but there’s some shit going on. Hopefully all will be well next week!! Love you! xoxox

Show Recap for Thursday 8/21/2014

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Some people just have that fire in their eye, you know, and it makes you know that you are not the person to be fucked with because you have fire eyes, and hopefully your eyes aren’t on fire because I’m pretty sure having eyeball nerves melting would suck pretty bad until only your pupils were remaining to be burned cause, you know, no pain receptors there. You know who has fire in his eye as he’s deftly maneuvering around the basketball court of his local LA Fitness? Tully. That’s right…and my, oh my, Tully apparently sure looks refreshed for today’s show. Probably because he was just doused, as is the oh so popular thing right now, by a bucket of ice water over his head. Tully admits that he feels super refreshed and is digging on his whole spikey hair and swim trunks vibe that he’s rocking in the studio, so much so that he didn’t change into the clothes that he had brought along for after the stunt. And also, yeah, he has fire in his eye when he plays basketball, and tennis, and (in my opinion) anything else competitive. I mean, you guys heard the Best Of from the other day, where he and Ellis were playing Pictionary against CumTard and…some guy….some comic book guy…god, whose name I seriously can not remember right now, but man Tully got full on snarky within seconds of beginning to draw. And apparently, pick up basketball at LA Fitness is a sewer of lying, cheating, pieces of shit who have fights over the score and call stupid fouls because they’re sore losers and Tully basically needs to get his trash talk on. Ellis, of course, is also a man with fire in his eye, and he used to say ‘Fuck’ at the vert ramp. Like, a lot. He said there were times that he should have put a plug in it, but he didn’t, and- hey, speaking of skating, Ellis is thinking of going to Venice Beach this weekend and get his skate on. That sounds so lame. Obviously I have never done more than rolled down the street on my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles skateboard back when I was eight. But yeah, Ellis went for a bit of a ride around on his new deck yesterday and did a couple ollies and went ‘weeeeee’ and landed them, like a professional skateboarder does, and he doesn’t have the kiddies Saturday so GAME ON, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Ellis says that he feels like his body still knows how to skate and he’s pretty sure if he got on a vert ramp and was given 5 minutes he would be able to pull some shit out, but there is a part of him that so seriously does not want to run into anybody and really really does not want to fall.

Ellis watched some videos of him racing UTV’s when he went last weekend and even though he didn’t do so bad, he says that he is a bad driver and he sees a lot of room for improvement. He says that he wiggles too much in there and needs to tighten things up a bit, because things like that mean seconds in terms of improvement and races are won in those seconds. Red Dragons. Maybe. Ellis then talked about how he saw a story that some 15 year old kid who was racing in the Lucas Oil Series got shit whipped and punctured and lung and just, Fuck that, man. Ellis would be so pissed if he were racing and after all of that time and effort and hard work he did something that almost made him die. Fuck that. Super bitter. But Tully chimes in to say that, well, shit like that can happen even if you aren’t racing UTVs. Lungs be collapsin all over the damn place. Sometimes they do it for no reason (that’s me lying to you) and, you know, hey, you could be walking down the street and someone could be trying to rob a bank by throwing a brick through the window (because of all of the times that has been tried and worked) and since they obviously aren’t very bright as they are trying to rob a bank by smashing a window, they miss the window and the brick hits you square in the chest and bing, bang, boom, motherfucker, you have a broken lung. Or something. Anything could kill any one of us at any time, so we really should all just stay home, except no, because most Fatal Accidents occur inside the home, according to Tully, so really there’s no reason to get out of bed, but uh-oh, there are tons of ways to die in bed as well. Fuck it. Ellis makes a joke about how he would die in bed, and Tully does that whole guy thing where he’s like “Hell yeah!” but quickly takes it back, because really, that isn’t the shittiest way to die, but it isn’t the best way to go either. Ellis agrees saying that it’s gotta suck to be all of a sudden having a great time, to having a heart attack and that fear and then being dead and then having the lady your with shaking you and pumping on your chest trying to bring you back to life while she cries out your name, because at that moment in time, every lady turns into that stereotypical heroin junkie girlfriend pathetic and desperately trying to revive her OD’d lover. That’s a proven fact, son. Tully brings up that if he were given the choice if he were fatally ill and had the oppurtunity, he’d give his family his farewell speech and get high as fuck until there was no more high to fuck. Ellis is super on board with this idea and they riff for a while about getting high and dying, which really wasn’t as morbid as it sounds, and Ellis talks about different ways to go out with the highest fuck of a bang with the contenders being getting super high and shot over/into the Grand Canyon, getting high and shot into space, or getting high and going into a submarine and into the deep ocean to be chill and isolated and depressed as fuck for his last few days while listening to Morrissey. Well, Tully finds that last idea unappealing, but that motherfucker hates the beach. Who hates the beach? I mean, he’s from Jersey. There was a really horrible show about a the Jersey Shore…how can he hate the beach? And that sand excuse? Fuck that. Sand is wonderful. And it washes off and vaccuums right up. I know. I live on an island. There’s sand around here in fucking excellent supply, even if you’re in the middle of the island. But, Tully does agree that if you’re gonna do something super depressing while your dying, Morrissey is the way to go because that dude was affected, if you know what I mean, in fact, if you are currently dying or about to shoot yourself in the face or something (please don’t be doing that because I would be really sad) you should prolly check out a song called ‘Asleep’ because it is the ultimate soundtrack to your death if you wanna put it on repeat.

Ellis has been finding some interesting things on Instagram that he kind of can’t believe is on Instagram, as if he posted pictures like that he’d be on his fourth account by now, and one of the things has been a lingerie (Lawn-jer-ay…every time he said it I giggled) line called Belle de Nuit (Beautiful Lady of the Night) and it makes him think that Courtney Love is making a comeback because they have pictures of her on their website, and she doesn’t look all that bad. Which is good. Good for her. Tully thinks that it may be because her daughter, Frances Bean, is old enough now to kind of be the ‘mom’ and make sure that Courtney isn’t flying off the rails, which is also good, but really kinda sad. Tully tells a story about a time when he saw Courtney Love outside of Swinghouse back in the day (the days where she was really nowhere near the rails…well…maybe one kind of rail ;) and he said that she looked completely disconnected from reality with darting eyes and being corralled by a handler and looking like a Junkie ET. Tully then brings up that he is into Jean Provocateur Lingerie, but it’s super expensive and he has yet to actually buy any of it for that Lady Friend of his that he calls his Wife. They get into a discussion about what they find sexy and how their sexual lives started very differently, as Tully had to try and catch sneak peeks of boobs in R-Rated movies and sometimes hang out with that one kid he knew whose dad had a stack of Playboys, whereas Ellis remembers that the first porn he watched as a child (like, fully as a child) included a scene where a bunch of dudes all came on some salad and the ladies ate it. That’s pretty advanced. This led to talks about the other interesting things that Ellis has found on Instagram that should be on an app that Tully needs to invent (before someone else does) called Sinstagram that include some serious dominatrix stuff and that’s cool, even the picture of a girl who was rocking mousetraps on her side thingies (labia) and a giant fishhook up her butt was kind of cool. What Tully brings up that makes Ellis kind of squeamish is the whole Rape Fantasy thing, which Tully purports or rather common in the kink world. Or even the not so kink world. They talk about rape fantasy for a bit, and like I said, Ellis seemed sort of squeamish about the whole thing even though he’s into Domination, but he really doesn’t like the thought of pretending to rape someone. It’s a hard topic to really talk about and not sound kind of like an asshole unless you have a psychology degree…so that’s really all I’m going to say about it. I don’t have a psychology degree.

On to less Rape Fantasy things…Ellis is still looking at houses that he might want to and/or be able to buy and he brought up that whole wanting ninjas to fight him after breakfast idea, and said that may not be the most practical of all things…but he’s kind of thinking that he wants a room in his house to be a Dojo. And if he can’t have that room in his house…he could always build something like that in his backyard, right? Tully says, “Of course” and the subject quickly switches to Tully’s Ice Bucket Challenge Video which is pretty adorable and Ellis says he did a good job. People have been asking Ellis what he thinks of the whole Ice Bucket Challenge now that it’s reached that time in viral trend timeline where people are down on it because everyone is doing it and Ellis replied “16 Million dollars” which is a great reply. They ALSA is actually reporting closer to $40 Million dollars now, so fuck anyone who wants to hate on a silly activity that is doing astounding things for medical research. They talk about Cystic Fibrosis and AIDs research and Ellis talks about how he just wants everything that affects kids to be cured, cause the kids are innocent and they shouldn’t have to die before they even get to be people. It’s so true, my cousin died from Cystic Fibrosis when I was little and…that shit is fucking heartbreaking. Every charity should have something so popular, something that encourages people to donate, because those millions and millions of dollars are going to save lives.

Speaking of little kids, Ellis and Tully DadBro Down a bit about their kids and being fathers for a bit, Ellis saying that he likes hanging with Devin’s 9 year old friends for a few minutes when he picks her up from school because kids are open books, and Tully saying that Little Dude has thoughts no deeper than ‘Choo-choo’ and ‘Dump Truck’ and ‘Thomas’ and it was so much easier to think that deeper thoughts were happening when he didn’t talk so much. Ellis also says that he has been reading to his kids every night and feels like his reading is really improving. It’s a big step for him as a Dad because he always used to try and get out of the bedtime reading thing because he didn’t want to be made fun of for how he reads, and he’s pretty proud that he can read whole stories to them now. And i think that’s fucking awesome. I ‘awwwwwww’d out loud. Especially cause he understands the little dotty things better now.

Rounding out the discussion from the beginning of the show Ellis brings up the Podcast he recorded with Jesse Ventura since it wasn’t the friendliest podcast of all time and asks Cumtard if he’s heard anything from the Jesse Ventura camp as to whether it’s going to be posted or not. So far as anyone knows it’s going to be posted. Apparently they got into a disagreement over legalizing weed and gay marriage (we all know where Ellis sides with this, right?) and the fake/toughness of pro wrestling versus MMA. Again…we all know where Big Daddy J comes down…on the side of MMA. Jesse Ventura, being a former pro wrestler thinks he’s the toughest of the tough of the toughest of all the tough sports…but…whatever…who really cares? Is that guy still a guy? Or a thing? Who the hell cares? Of course MMA is a tougher sport…they’re athletes that are doing real things, not actors with tons of muscles getting fake body slammed again and again.

After the first break, Ellis enlightens us to the fact that he has a razor burn above his penis from where he got waxed…so…he has wax burn (i dunno if that’s a thing, but why not) and it’s uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it and will prolly never get that bit waxed again. Tully tells us about a news story where a man faked his death to get out of marrying his girlfriend because obviously that guy is both a pussy and a dick.  Then they get into a segment where each of the guys in the green room and Tully have picked 5 songs for possible play on Faction with Jason Ellis and Ellis is supposed to yay or nay and try and figure out who picked which song. And honestly…I wasn’t a fan of the segment. It took a long time and they didn’t always say the name of the song, or the band name, and I’m not really good at identifying music (i can’t even really do it to music that I always listen to). So…over the course of an hour clips of songs were played, everything Jetta picked got an ‘uh, no’ and Tully, Will, Cumtard, and HotDog all got at least one or two yesses for their picks.

At Halftime Tully reminds us that there are tons of other causes out there worthy of our attention, including Multiple Sclerosis, which you can learn more about by visiting Jack Osbourne’s site. Also, don’t forget that Ellis’s website is no longer Ellismania…that has been hijacked and it’s over and dead. Instead, go to Offical Jason Ellis and sign up or just watch the free video. Also, if you want, you can listen to TJES even when it isn’t live by using the OnDemand Function that is available with the SiriusXM app…and of course, there is also The Jason Ellis Channel 713 for all of your 24 hour, Jason Ellis needs.

At this point, Tully is about to open up a segment involving stories about people’s crazy ex’s because, “everyone has one” but then Will ruins it by saying, “Except HotDog” because HotDog, that oh so lovable intern who will be doing a second internship with the show so we don’t lose him (yay!!! So many yays!!!) has never had a girlfriend. Tully and Ellis call HotDog into the studio for a chatty chat. HotDog is 21 and a very lovable guy, from what we’ve all heard, and it seems kind of impossible that he has never had a girlfriend or even made out with a girl. But, he has eaten a girl out, which Ellis is quick to correct to he has ‘licked a girl’s cookie’. Hotdog says that sex really isn’t a top priority for him and he doesn’t want to go out and try and pick up girls, but he isn’t opposed to having sex with girls. To me, it just sounds like he doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t have anything against fooling around with pornstars, although he doesn’t really want to be jerked off by one poolside in front of a bunch of people, and Ellis believes him that he just really doesn’t care that much. The conversation gets sidetracked by The Wheel of Doom potential tortures, but the best one that gets brought up is from our very own Bitpimps and includes having Hotdog sit on your lap and tickling him til he farts. Oh, the mighty oracle has gifted us with the knowledge again. But then they get back to HotDog, and Ellis spends the rest of this segment kind of pep talking HotDog because Ellis suddenly no longer believes that HotDog doesn’t care about getting laid because he’s a man and men want to get laid and if he doesn’t feel the drive the go out and get laid it’s because he’s spending too much time home alone or with his kookie plant loving roommate (who in my mind looks like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) and he needs to get out there and be all that he can be because he’s awesome. Tully and Ellis tell him to just get out there, maybe join a bowling league, make a movie about his life, make some new friends in LA since he’s all lonely because his friends are back home in San Diego. And I’m like, yeah, go HotDog, just get out there and have fun and meet people and throw your dick around like King Kong!!!! That might not make sense, but I don’t have a dick, so work with me here!!! Tully does bring up that he understands how it could be easier to not have sex nowadays because of the availability of porn, and he says, “It’s just as good” which is when both me and Hubbs stared at the radio. Nononono, Tully…Watching Porn with dick in your hand is nowhere even in the same ball park as fucking. At All. No. Sex is…so much more wonderful with someone else there!!! I mean…just damn. Get out there HotDog!!! You’re adorable!!! Chicks want to bang you, you just don’t know it yet! Girls need to be chased a little, sometimes!!!

So, today to wrap up the show, they talk about Crazy Ex’s because, you know, everyone has one. Lol. Ellis tells a story that is in his first book, I’m Awesome, about how his first ex wife once showed up at his house while Andrea was there and Andrea had to escape through the garage and the first ex scared the ever loving shit out of her because Andrea knew that she used to beat up on Ellis and not treat him so nice. Will told a story about how his ex called the cops on him for driving her car that they had shared, because, obviously she was a cunt. They took a couple of calls from guys with some extraordinarily crazy exes who beat them with spatula’s and kitchenware, got them arrested and labeled as felons, fired flare guns into their bedrooms and burned their houses down, and…guys…come on…was the sex really that good?!?!?!?!? They all say that the sex was phenomenal and totally worth it…and I’m just like…bitches be out of control. Never let a crazy girl know where you live!!! Seriously…i mean…unless they’re the me kind of crazy. I am the perfect kind of crazy because I went through years of cognitive behavioral therapy and therefore know how to reign in my crazy, but I’m still fucking awesome in bed. Boom. There weren’t really any final calls because it was all of a sudden time to go, so Ellis threw the mic to HotDog and HotDog invited us all to listen in again tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel.

Seriously…crazy girl sex is not worth having your house burned down.