Hey, Jude!

Whether you’re a fan of Rude Jude (@rude_jude on Twitter or @onemorejude on Instagram), The All Out Show, The Jason Ellis Show, Jenny Jones, Detroit, Bathroom Attendants, Pills, or Ketamine… we’ve got you. Rude Jude agreed to answer some questions for his fans, no matter how relevant they may be. If you’re still reeling from the high you got off his book, Hyena, and need another taste, hopefully this will help satisfy your Judo craving. Afterall, he decided to do this for all of us fans.

hyenaYou worked hard to write and promote your own book, Hyena. Do you feel like it’s been worth your efforts? Do you have plans to, or would you write another book? And if so, would you do anything differently?
Dude I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t have done anything different. the self publishing rout is a lot of work and pretty stressful but worth it. These stories are 3-4 years old most of them and it took this long to edit them and put the book together and get the art work. But in the end, it’s all my vision, no compromise. I just couldn’t deal with some never been anywhere, suit motherfucker telling me what part of my life I could tell. So you work harder. My goal is to take the proven product somewhere bigger and have them push it.

I wanna keep writing but right now, I’m in sell mode. Sell sell sell sell. It’s using a completely different part of the brain. The idea of being creative…. I can’t even wrap my head around.

Which was the most difficult story in Hyena to write about (if any), or were there any you were afraid of writing due to possible backlash from family/friends?
It’s weird, certain stories would just hit me. I was writing Animal Planet which is just about how we grew up, how it was cool to dog girls and shit and how the chicks would try to get over on us too.

There’s this part in the story where I ask my homeboy why he let his girl dog him so bad, he says cuz he didn’t think he was good enough for anyone else. I write “I get it” and start welling up. like I’m about to cry off of “I get it.” That surprised me I didn’t plan on crying but I do get it, I understand not liking yourself and the shit you do because of it.

There are other stories in there like about my mom and dad that are pretty hard. Or when I’m writing about the shitty stuff I did to my ex that hit me in the heart….

As far as backlash one of my exes, i have two worth mentioning, one of them cut me off. She won’t talk to me. Surprisingly not the one I thought was gonna cut me off. I haven’t given it to my old man yet either. I’m kind of avoiding that. And he’s too cheap to buy it so I’m good for a while….. I almost put a smiley face after that last sentence.

What’s the most annoying assumption people make about you? Is it when fans are surprised to find out that you’re not black, when fans ask you about your “Jenny Jones” days, or something else?
Man I do well with people making the wrong assumptions, college mother fuckers think I’m dumb because of the way that I speak. Hood motherfuckers think that I’m lame because of the way that I look. And cops think that I’m sober because of the way that I dress. Let people underestimate you then do you and blow them away.

What would you say if Ellis got his own channel and offered you a show on it? Or if you were offered a spot on TJES, what would you say? And if you took the show to the Ellis channel, would you bring Lord Sear?
I’d love to do a talk show. I just like that pacing so much. Would I bring Sear? You ever hear me have a conversation with him?

judeNow that you’re out of Swinghouse and in the new studio, has anyone blown you in the new studio yet? And who is the hottest chick that works in the building?
Yeah. I got that out of the way pretty quick. It’s weird I did it just to do it. It was for the show. Like I had set some head precedent in every other studio and I just had to keep it going.To be honest with you, now that the book is out, I’ve been on some self reflective, sober, try not to fuck everything that moves kick and I kind of like it…. Hottest chick in the building? I gotta say, for being in LA, we work in one of the ugliest buildings ever. There’s some 45 year old secretary who’s got a big ass booty I like to look at, but her face looks like Gargamel (smurfs)

If you could have the choice of having anyone co-host your radio show for a week, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
I was gonna say somebody deep like Socrates or something but then I was like, that mother fucker doesn’t even know english… So….Richard Pryor. His comedy was honest and nasty…just like mine…. I didn’t realize it till now, but I guess I got some of my style from him.

If you had to commit to one sex position for the rest of your sex life… which would it be and why?
It seems like the chick on top would be the best for them so they could control the rhythm… but fuck that missionary with the legs stack so I could dig up in there and look her in the face at the same time.

Where do you stand on the whole girls wearing leggings as pants issue? For or against?
Um for for for. Have you seen that shit? Ass Ass Ass. What I’m against is these chicks showing up to the airport in their pajamas with a pillow. Bitch this ain’t slumber party, fuck your comfort. You’re in your 20s be a fuckin adult.

You said your last experience with PCP took a piece of you. Do you feel like you gained anything from it? And would you ever smoke that Sherm again?
It humbled me and gave me patience for myself and other people.

Why do you hate Tully so much? And could you take him in a fight?
I hate tully for the way he rolls his eyes when he telling me I’m wrong about something or an other. Can I take him? You see how I fared against the gay Mexican burglar? No.

Seeing as you’re a fan of reading sci-fi, what would you recommend a motherfucker read from the sci-fi genre?
I like the Name of the Wind Series.

You’re a romantic at heart. What would you want to say to the girl you keep dreaming of?
I’m sorry I figured it out so late.

THE END

Thanks to Jude for being such a good sport and taking the time to answer our ridiculous questions for his fans. If you haven’t already purchased his book, even if you’re not much of a reader, you should. It’s an easy, yet very a interesting read. It’s not hard to imagine Jude telling you the stories you’re reading, it’s written in his style. There’s a reason Jude was given his own show and was able to put out his own book in a grassroots style, the motherfucker’s good – plain and simple.


Want more Jude? Check out the following:

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/27/2014

spin-pump

What I’m about to do to your mind, and then your mom.

It’s today again, you know the day, Monday. And you might think you know what’s coming, and there’s a good chance you’re right. But what if you’re wrong? Just what if? Huh? Well now is the time to test yourself, let’s see how right or wrong you were. One day Ellis had some heart fluttering shit going on, it was hard to breathe and he was freaking, but that day changed his life. Did you know that? Liar. Dingo’s in-studio today. Did you know that? Liar. A little bit of snot is no big deal, which is good, because Ellis still has a little bit of snot leftover from his mega-cold. Even though it’s embarrassing to admit, Ellis has been thinking about famous people lately, and he’s been getting caught up in it. Meanwhile, Tully has never stopped thinking about famous people. Jenna Jameson was going off on Twitter, posting a bunch of pictures of Tito’s roid fridge. I don’t know why I posted that. Do you? Liar. See, I’m starting to think you don’t EVEN know! Ellis & Dingo almost 2-door Porsche’d it right into a shit-green something or another, but they didn’t.

psycho_smile

Whatever it is, can we put wheels on it and ramp it?

Ellis went to Nitro Circus over the weekend and got an email from Trip Taylor. Then he saw some PJ Clapp dude making jokes about “chuck it me dumpa” in the same email. Ellis didn’t know who this dude was so he responded back with, “Really?”, to which PJ Clapp responded with, “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to go to you” – which PJ Clapp most certainly did mean it to go to Ellis. Then Cumtard came in to remind Ellis of Johnny Knoxville’s real name… Philip John Clapp (aka PJ Clapp) WHOOPSY! Ellis finally got the joke and now he feels like an asshole. Good times, good times. Anyway, did you know Nitro Circus has rollerbladers in their show? Oh, you did? That figures. OH! Well they also have bathtubs. Pretty much anything they can think of to jump off a ramp, they’ve probably got it. Ellis started reading a bit from his new book and he cringed a bit at what he was reading. He’s brutally honest in this book as he always is, but he feels like he’s changed so much since a year ago when Tully started writing this new book. He felt like he sounded a bit pathetic, like he was dying for people to pay attention to him and accept him, and his priorities have changed since then. It’s no longer about just as much money and having sex with as many women as possible. He’s more concerned about what he does and says and how it affects his kids, himself, and the people around him. Ellis noticed how different he feels lately while he was at Dingo’s birthday party, full of quasi famous people who are materialistic, insecure, and busy blowing smoke up each others asses to help make themselves feel like their more famous and important than they really are. Since he started to act like that at one, point he now see’s how unhappy some of the people are because they spend their time worrying so much about shit that should take a back seat to more important things in life that help make a truly happy life. God damn, we got a little deep there, right?

wait-whats-going-on

Uh oh. I got a feeling they’re gonna talk about The Grammys.

Hey, did you know you can get your copy of Awesome Guide To Life signed by Ellis by going to awesomeguidetolife.com? Okay, I believe you. Next up, we have the world’s hottest MMA correspondent, Kenda Perez and her super hot dog Dexter, with MMA News so everyone button up you pants – that includes you too Dingo. Tully didn’t get to catch all of it, but from what he gathers, he didn’t miss much. Ooooohhhh! BURN! Turns out Benson Henderson beat Josh Thomson, Thomson said he broke his hand during the fight, we all heard it. The post fight, Benson threw up the Diamond Cutter sign and looked like a doof because that sign has nothing to do with God. He didn’t help his case any when during the fight, he had to tuck his jerry curl behind his ears, to which everyone watching had a nice collective chuckle over. Gabriel Gonzaga also broke his hand and lost his fight against Stipe Miocic, he also needs to shave his back and train in a real gym instead of on the jungle gym. Donald Cerrone won in spectacular fashion with a nice kick to de head of Adriano Martins, it was awesome and so is Cowboy. Alex Caceres won his fight against Sergio Pettis, which was a pretty entertaining fight and Sergio, even with his loss, looked really good for his age and experience. I’m sure one day he’ll grown into a real manimal and be a force to be reckoned with as he continues to improve. Also, Alex’s afro and dance moves before the fight were pretty entertaining. But do you know what wasn’t entertaining? The Grammys. I didn’t even watch it, but I feel confident in saying that it was not entertaining. Therefore, I shall not discuss it and it can go straight to Hades. Thank you.

wait-whats-going-on

Whose Tully talking about? Is it me? You? No. It’s… her.

Tully had a dream about a fan. A female fan *cough* @emilyInSD. FUCK! I mean… that he made cry because he was trying to tell her that he was flattered, but married. Instead, it came out more like if he weren’t married, they totally be doing it. So I’ve got some more good news and bad news. Tomorrow on the show, Sam Rubin. I know. BUT… also on the show tomorrow, Thomas Haden Church! Tiger Ellis is doing ollies on his skateboard now, and he’ll kick the shit outta some 2-year-old prodigy, so fuck that other kid. Not literally, come on man! Actually, this 2-year-old is a fucking champ! Continuing with Aussie News, scientists have discovered a newfound sex organ in koalas’ throats. Dingo was at the winter X-Games, so was The Backbone – Dingo totally fucked him over too (not really), but guess who wasn’t there, Shaun White. He’s all about the Olympics right now, and playing guitar in that terrible band, and wearing super tight jeans, and whatever else soulless redheads do. Let’s see, Moto News, and this time there’s no Tickle Time. I know, it breaks your little heart. It did mine too. Ryan Dungey looked solid all day, man. That’s about all I know because work loves to cut into my fucking off time. New intern on TJES today, his name for now is Andrew (Instagram). He’s never heard the show, he’s from Cincinnati, Ohio, he has a girlfriend, and a horn growing out of dick. In case you’re wondering, one of those things is a lie. You make the call. He’s in a hardcore band, he’s straight edge, and enjoys a nice root beer on his birthday. Oh, one more thing… he has a trust fund.

celebrate_with_me

What you look like while I celebrate all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES.

India says dolphins are not people or something. Breaking News, ladies and gentlemen, its with partial joy and partial sadness that I hereby announce that after years of captivity, I have officially escaped from the prize chamber. I may be suffering from Stockholm syndrome, but trust me, if you ever have a chance to get in the prize chamber – you’re going to love it! Cumtard got in trouble for something, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. They punished him somehow, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. I don’t even know what all else happened because, yup, all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. If any of you would like to know more about all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES, just let me know, I’d be happy to describe how fucking cool it is to you. OH!

CobraTits: Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

cobratits-header

Many of you will remember one of the best TJES fan sites around, cobratits.com. It contained all kinds of awesome audio goodies for us all to consume and enjoy, from some of the best and most memorable moments on the show. Then came the day it disappeared and we all collectively cried ourselves to sleep.

Thanks to the man behind “stripping the Ellis show s’naked”, Rob, with his permission and tons of help, we all get to enjoy all his hard work once again! That’s right, with Rob’s help, we’re in the process of restoring as much as possible from his site! As you can imagine, Rob had tons of material and we’ve only just started the process of getting it all back online. So keep checking back as there will be more and more added as time goes on.

Check out the newest category added to NYA, the “CobraTits Archive“!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014

internet_arguments

I’m here to recap and kick ass. Eventually, I’ll be done with the recap, but not yet.

It’s Friday, nobody gives a fuck, including me. So peep this shit. To much hair on a man’s chest can present itself to be a… hairy situation. YEEEAAAHHH! It’s cool, you’re like a bear with all that, all that, all that hair. But it can be a little… overbearing. YEEEAAAHHH! Think you got a super hairy chest? Go sit next to a dog. You still think you got a hairy chest? Kick ass, the show keeps cutting in and out on me. Whatever. It’s Friday. Fuck it. Tully took some exception to people calling yesterday’s guest, Dillion, a cumdumpster or something. Come on people, let’s be a little respectful of Wilson’s spank bank material. Eric Bana, Hugh Huge Jackman, and Chris Hemsworth are super Australian but Russel Crowe is not, he’s an imposter Aussie. Katie woke up perioding out on Ellis today, not bleeding, but bitching – but it happens to everyone and it’s all good. It happened to Tully’s kid today, he flipped his shit over a dirty diaper and had a typical baby meltdown whose cries spanned the gamut of emotions. Tully might have a cold sore. He noticed it before the AVNs, thank the powers that be. Tully recently found out he’s been drinking blood bubbles, his Soda Stream thing is based in occopied Jewville or something and people are all like, “Whuuuut?” and the other people are like, “Shyeaaahh!” so that leaves everyone else all like “Huh.” Tully will be watching some UFC this weekend and Ellis will be doing a wheelie on a horse this weekend. I know what you’re thinking, that’s impossible. I am here to tell you, it is indeed possible to watch the UFC. It’s on TV. Duh! Wilson popped in the studio and left just as quickly like a true prima donna. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with Shoebox. Scientists found out the great white sharks can live to be up to 70 years old. That means there’s some shark that remember when man landed on the moon and how bad he wanted to eat a man who landed on the moon. Did you know there exists a person who absolutely hates Wilson? I mean loathes his very existence, her name is Lori and she’s from Oregon and she’s on the horn. If you’re not catching on here with the “her” and “she’s”, we’re talking about a woman, with an opinion. She also works for the government and sounds like she might be a little bitter – and in lurve. Am I right? Of course I am. HEYOH! Speaking of foolery, the pizza guy stopped at Ellis’ place last night and asked if she shaved his dog. Problem was, he was speaking about the hairless cat. Dog, cat, whatever, now we’re talking about ducks. Wait. No. Let’s talk about who are the favorite guests that regularly come on to show. While coming up with the list of names, we find out the Shoebox has been in 3 movies and has blown somebody in all 3 movies, proving that art really does imitate life. (thank you Tully for that joke) Wilma Pendarvis was escorted into the studio, while on a conference call – a real one. While everyone on the conference call was listening, Wilma had to discretely describe what kind of underwear she was wearing – it was pretty hilarious. You catch that Lori? OH! Break time!

everything_out_of_her_mouth_is_a_lie

The people have spoken, Lori. hahaa

andy-dick

Oh Andy, what are we going to do with you?

Aaaand we’re back, with news that you can now order Ellis’ new book, “The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together” This lead us into some Women, Am I Right? news with a woman who pulled a gun out of her vagina after a fight about aliens. Next up, a woman was arrested for breaking into a pet store to set puppies free, not her sweater puppies, but real life puppies. I know, bad joke. Next up, a New York woman punched a 70-year-old Walmart greeter lady in de face on Christmas eve over a disputed receipt. Just as duck news got shot down, women am I right news got shut down early because a guest had showed up, costing Ellis to lose his $10 bet with Shoebox on whether the guest would actually show or not. In comes Andy Dick. And boom, boom, boom, out go the lights. I can’t handle listening to him much anymore, so I drifted in and out of consciousness the entire time. I think they talked about addiction, fucking guys, fucking girls, pissing on people, and Tully making balls out of the headphone cords. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with You Sir Are a Moron. But first, there’s a lot of rape going on the world ducks. Ducks can have 17 inch long dicks and is constantly evolving to be able to rape female ducks. Meanwhile, the female ducks’ vagina are constantly evolving to thwart being raped, making it an arms race between male and female ducks. Okay, back to the game. Shit. I forgot to jot down the questions. Well, let me tell ya, there were some questions, that’s for sure! And Cumtard asked them, it’s true. I heard him. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, and Andy Dick isn’t, he left. And then there was talk about Ellis’ new book, the one I mentioned above – scroll up – see it? That one. Okay, now look back here, here’s where you can pre-order signed copies of the book: awesomeguidetolife.com BAM! Will’s still not coming into the studio and his weekend has been ruined, all because of Lori – that harlot with her opinions. Speaking of maggots, a middle school warned that snorting Smarties may lead to nasal maggots. I’ve snorted Smarties when I was a kid, Fun Dip too, and I never got nasal maggots. You hear me kids? You’re safe to do pretend drugs. Wait. No. I don’t mean you should pretend to do drugs, but if you have or do, I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get nasal maggots. Will finally came into the studio to air his grievances and share his feelings. Maybe Lori just got confused, HateBean is just the band name, not a command. And with that, I’m wrapping this baby up. But first, let me tell you this. One time I was in Prague and witness a woman getting an abortion, it was crazy! The only thing for me to say was, I guess you could call that a… cancelled Czech! YEEEAAAHHH!

will_hate_bean

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/13/2014

clothes_off

No Golden Globes? No problem! Have this instead.

Welcome to the 2nd Monday recap of The Jason Ellis Show for 2014! It’s already been a big day for some of us, because we congratulated @emilyinSD on her non-existent pregnancy! Chicks love that kind of stuff. Ellis is like a transcendental meteor in the media, but he’s over himself now. Kinda sad breaking news right from the get go, which required the legendary voice work of Wilson to give the show a breaking kinda sad news button. But I digress, it’s kinda sad breaking news time – Ellis now has allergies. Here at No You Are, our thoughts a prayers go out to Ellis and his loved ones, EllisFam, kids from around the world (except the sickly ones you see on TV), and the inventor the burrito vending machine. Ellis rode his kids’ crazy carts this weekend, Tully played in a bouncy house, and what did you do? Adult stuff? Gheeeey! Catching balls is hard, and that’s why the NFL exists, because they make catching balls look like it’s just a sport or something, it’s amazing. Speaking of amazing, Dwight Howard went hard in the mutha-fuckin’ paint against a child, and sometimes children need that shit just so they remember that their parents might love them, but that don’t make them jack shit in big kid world. Then we touched on The Golden Globes. I do not recap about The Golden Globes, so moving on… Ellis saw a bunch of movies over the past two weekends, like a whole lot – even 12 Years a Slave, and a movie about an old guy and a boat.

wwe_cocaine

The only sport that needs less cocaine.

Pigeons, they’re everywhere, and the world of pigeon racing was recently rocked when competition homing pigeons testing positive for pain pills and cocaine. What are to tell our children when all their pigeon idols are hopped up on dope and appearing on boxes of Wheaties? This sounds like a job for the government, a group of trustworthy, unbiased minds really needs to get to the bottom of this. Guess what? It’s moto talk time, Cole Seely has been totally brain fucked, against his will, I think. Anyway, this reminded Tully of Chuck Knoblauch (knob lock) and he was in a mind fuck kind of state when he couldn’t throw a baseball for awhile. Knoblauch. He’s got the lock on the knob. Tickle time, Broc Tickle got 8th, which is in the top 10, but not the top 4, or 3, or 2. Chad Reed got Tickle timed because he came in 9th, and you just know that’s gotta put Reed in a mind fuck situation, but he’s a god damned champion and knows how to unfuck his mind. And with that, a final closing thought on sports. Cocaine needs to come back into sports, the proof is in the booger sugar pudding, it would make things so much more exciting. And how can you talk cocaine and not bring up the subject of titties? Sorry Aubrey, that’s the best segue I could muster at the time. No, we’re not talking about Aubrey Marcus’ titties, I guess we’re not talking about his girlfriend’s titties either. Yeah. We’re not talking about titties at all actually. We’re talking about a video of Whitney Miller preparing for combat and crying after she got choked out, it’s inspirational and you should watch it.

oh_im_supposed_to_clap_now

Remember when you were a kid and weren’t sure how to act?

This brought us into Tyler Posey. Who? Yes, THE Tyler Posey. But who is that? I don’t know, but apparently he smells terrific. Turns out he’s on an MTV show, Teen Wolf, and he wants to start a podcast to entertain people. I’ll have to admit, he sounds like a good kid, even though he doesn’t want to be part of the “teen” crowd any longer. He’s been disillusioned with Hollywood fame and doesn’t like how a lot of the actors / actresses are so pretentious, how they feel the world owes them something, etc. He’s thankful for what he’s got, the opportunities that he’s had, but he has aspirations to get tattoos and do radio – he wants to be Ellis. He wants to take over Rawdog’s spot, not only on the show, but in Death! Death! Die! as well. He was given the test a lot of celebrities get when they say they’re a huge fan of the show. Tully asked him, “We forgot to mention something we normally mention at the 2 o’clock hour, do you know what that is?” His answer, “Is it break time?” Ahhh, the laughs we shared. While he seems like a good kid, he is just that, a kid – as we all were once. He stuck around for the remainder of the show as Tully presented “Fill In The Blank News” to everyone. The rest of the show was spent talking to and about Tyler, the things he wants to do, who he wants to be when he grows up, the things he’s done, the inappropriate songs tween girls have sung to him, and his future possibilities. At one point, it sort of felt like you were listening to a podcast about a star on Nickelodeon, but whatever. It was better than hearing some dumb porn bimbo not have an opinion on anything other than the optimal place they would prefer to take a man’s load and then giggle with the most amazingly annoying voice you could imagine. While I wasn’t sure how in the blue fuck Tyler would be picked as a guest, once they started bantering ideas back and forth about a collaboration, I then understood. Ellis might see this as a chance to reach out to a demographic that he’s not currently known for hitting. I get it. It’s like the reason there is no black character in the game Clue, otherwise it just be called Solved. OH!

oh_you_find_me_offensive

Oh, you find my jokes offensive?