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Show Re-Cap for Friday, 9/27/2013

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Welcome to the Friday recap, sort of. Ellis is out with dick blood problems and had to go see a doctor. Tully tweeted, “FYI – No show today (Ongoing blood piss, janky phones, vomiting babies, hordes of locusts, etc.) Sorry – enjoy Best Of – see you Monday.” So instead of recaping bits and pieces of shit that I/we have already recapped, I will tell you about my day.

So this morning I got dressed for the day and did my morning streaches.

batmanThen I went to work ready for a hard day of work stuff.

excitedwhile at work I managed to Instagram a few pictures expressing my religious beliefs.

magic jesusAnd as 12:00 came I waited patiently for the best part of my day, The Jason Ellis Show

go onOnly to find out it is a Best Of because Jason is still raining blood from his johnson.

no show

 

 

 

 

Show re-cap for Friday, 9/20/2013

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Welcome to the end, not the for reals end, just the end of the week. Ellis was almost late today also. Not because he was playing bumper cars but because he was not prepared but fuck it. Hahaha butt fuck it. Welcome to the Friday recap folks and stay tuned for more hilarious commentary like that. Ellis is having issues with finding a sparring partner, it’s tough to find someone to punch early in the morning. Apparently all the good guys are in the gym in the middle of the day because they don’t bother with peasant work and actors rocky.park_.bench_1don’t like getting punched in the face. He did however get the opportunity to box with a ginormous shredded black dude. Ellis got rocked because the dude was way better of a boxer but during the fourth round he was just trying to keep Ellis motivated to keep going. And he called Ellis baby, then they went for tea. It was a wonderful evening. Tully might have to take a staycation again because he’s working on another book, he says it’s his fault that they are not taking a proper vacation but personally I blame The Man. Ellis is still planning on going to Panama and jumping into the ocean off his deck. Rawdog didn’t say where he’s planning on going, so most likely he will just be giving his girlfriend the D the entire time. Ever watch Rocky and wonder how many miles he’s running in that classic scene? Neither did I till now, some dude figured it all out so I can finally sleep at night. A dude called in saying something about obesity being a disease and not a decision but honestly it’s a little of both. It has everything to do with metabolism, eating habits, activity levels, genetics, etc. Speaking of lard asses, a baby in Saudi got up to 72 pounds and is the youngest person to get gastric bypass ever. All the experts say that you shouldn’t diet, it’s a life change, you actually need to change everything you do, oh and also educate yourself, all them word books might learn you a thing or two.

Damien Esteban, son of Satan and Gloria, was a teacher who served jury duty and got caught with heroine in his backpack and then got fired and then cried like a bitch to the courts and then had to get rehired so now Mr. Smack is back to work teachin the youth of tomorrow. The mythical blue tiger of China may have been spotted but most likely it had stripes, da dum tssss. “Cocaine up the butt story singer woman” <- this was in my notes and it made me laugh so enjoy. The new iPhones are selling mainly because you can get a finger print one or a cheap one with a number of color options, or because they also come in gold. The cool thing about the gold ones is that they are ergonomically designed to fit inside your rectum with minimal discomfort Then they talked about the weird shit in food flavoring like that castorium stuff that comes from beaver buttholes. But I think we have talked enough about beaver buttholes on this site so I will refrain from discussing beaver buttholes any more. Beaver buttholes.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

Cumtard the Cumtardian from Sector Tard came in to do the two things he does best, smoke weed and put things in his butt. All alleged of course. The alleged idea is that somehow they would get weed smoke inside Kevin’s ass with the attempt to get him high and also to get him to fart smoke. I can’t properly explain the technique used during the first attempt but I can assure you that it did not work too well. After the first failed attempt, Kevin and Rawdog went into the green room and emerged with the mechanics of the second try, a balloon full of smoke. With the help of Tully and Josh, Kevin accepted an entire balloon of smoke that was attached to the end of the turkey baster. All in all the experiment didn’t turn out as well as hoped. The smoke farts were almost none and the discomfort of cramming a turkey baster in your turd cutter makes it a far less desirable way of getting high than the many other options, but he did catch a good high, allegedly.

"Cumtarding" and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

“Cumtarding” and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

An Arizona man has been accused of branding his initials on his girlfriends genitals, hopefully he will die from a thousand AIDS dicks cramming him in every orifice for the next fifty years. On a more awesome note, a  61 year old man in Texas went into the hospital drunk but hadn’t drank a drop, it turned out to be a yeast allergy and was essentially brewing beer in his stomach, God likes him a lot.

In case you missed Metallica Live from the Apollo on SiriusXm channel 111 our good friend, the artist formerly known as @Cobratits, @SXMRob, has a gift for you.

Thomas Hayden Church joined us after the break. They talked about Kevin being a dick on the phone, Metallica, keeping the faith, the clap getting clapped outta your dick, the porche, and THC’s newest movie that he’s filming that he’s playing a street fighter in. Thomas talked about the movie industry and the drop in movies and how he doesn’t want to be on a TV show because he doesn’t want to be away from his kids in Texas. And then they just hung out and chatted and bullshitted like friends that haven’t seen each other in a while and are catching up over a bucket of beers. I’m trying to think of something funny to say for the ending but I’m not in the mood because I’m outta money and yer mums free trial is already over, OH!

 

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/13/2013

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I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat photo (9)out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.

A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.

196_29735630096_7290_aRoger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.

There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to radiofightclub@siriusxm.com or fightclub@siriusxm.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!

RIP Swinghouse

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The Swinghouse, near Santa Monica Boulevard and La Brea Avenue in Los Angeles, where it all started. The place where Tony Hawk invited his crazy Australian friend to be on his show. The place where we got to know Jason Ellis, Cowfucker, Rawdog, Will, Streatch, Little Coffee Foot, Bentley, Assless Matt, Burt Backarack, Scott Green, Kevin Kraft, and many many others that have walked through those doors to make us laugh, cry, cringe, or cheer. The place where motivational speeches helped start our days and fart jokes and Women Am I Right kept us laughing through rush hour traffic. This is the ending of an era and the marking of a new, bigger, and better show. In honor of the past with anticipation to the future we asked some EllisFam what their favorite memories from The Jason Ellis Show are. Rest in peace Swinghouse.

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“Tully was gone & Ellis & Rawdog were both crying after fighting.” – @bitPimps

“drinking a can of warm blanco basura in the bathroom” – @emilyinSD

“Bill the Scorpion” – @NorthernGorilla

“[when Rawdog] casually petted that venomous snake” – @Dutch_RDS

“The LL Cool J interview and the timeless phrase, get these balls!” – @Az_RedDragon

“Nothing beats the in-studio moto burnout.” – @Wolfman812

“getting perved on by Wilson!” – @emilyinSDimage

“When Bill the Scorpion ruled the studio, may he rest in peace.” – @mike_in_canada

“When Mayhem almost burned it all down, and everyone had to get out.” – @Hispandrix

“When @RadioTFB blew @BentleytHill and of course when Bill the Scorpion escaped” – @NorthernGorilla

“Papa Fifty being in the studio. And the time he ran away and Ellis stopped the show to get him.” – @truckeryako

“The Dave Mustaine interview that made us all fall asleep and change the channel to Cavino and Rich only to turn it back because they suck ass” – @azkellie

“And there was the day they evacuated cause of some mystery gas” – @truckeryako

“Remember when Jason had mersa on his dick and they canceled the show & fumigated.” – @sharckchucker

“Squeaky Door, and Bathroom/Kitchen/Prize chamber” – @TwistedMetalFabimage (4)

“It was always funny when Rawdog came in to the studio so high he could barely talk. And dead video camera batteries” – @truckeryako

“All the times they started playing the Imperial Death March to call Wilson Pendarvis into the studio to give him shit” – @shit_toboggan

“The many times the studio had to be evacuated due to bugs/air pollutants.” – @Crackerstacker6

“The Assless Matt intro” – @shit_toboggan

“When Ellis asked Danzing if he lived in a castle” – @Az_RedDragon

“the time I wore a dress like a champ” – @mighty_boognishimage (1)

“That time Will tried out the CEO show and Ellis and Mayhem kicked in the door and took the show back” – @bwstrangler

“Bill the Scorpions brilliant escape for freedom and his alleged final resting place” – @bwstrangler

“Jager Beard announced Ellis’s 540 at 40 (though technically not at the Swinghouse)” – @Az_RedDragon

“the Shock Lobster and Shocktapede!” – @matmonsterk

“When Scotty from NY and Oxycotton John got sober and stayed sober” – @Az_RedDragon

“remember that time mayhem set off a fire that choked everyone… #RIPSwingHouse ah, good times.” – @sharkchucker

“the war with bubba the love sponge” – @azkellie

“telling @EllisMate the story of how my adopted newborn ended up named Ellis Lee after 1 1/2 [hours] on hold” – @serutti

“Steven Tyler crashing the place and hitting on Katie” – @CrackerStacker6

“The first real game I heard was the DeCock-a-lon, think thatll be my fav” – @thegooser

“the Iliza Schesinger interview was epically awkward” – @CrackerStacker6

“burn outs from brian deegan in the studio” – @MotoSakiBabe

“cum challenge” – @serutti

“me wearing a strap-on spinning with my head on a bat then tryin to fuk covinos mouth” – @NorCalRowe

“that time they did the D!D!D! jam show with mastodon.” – @mighty_boognish

“When Sebastian Bach sang the intro to Monkey Business with Ellis” – @Az_RedDragon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO-mvJo2miA&feature=youtu.be

“One of my favorite memories was the “Guess What Chonan said” game.” – @RickNothing

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Show Re-cap for Friday 9/6/2013

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There has been a question that has plagued scientists for decades, when Bruce Banner turned into The Incredible Hulk, why didn’t his pants rip? Did his waist not get bigger? Did the gamma roids have an incredible shrinking effect on his junk causing his intense anger? Either way it is safe to say that the show is the hulk, mild mannered until you piss it off then it turns big and green and breaks shit and then has to move to a new place while sad music plays. And a new place is exactly where the guys are going, today is the last broadcast they are doing from The Swinghouse. Ellis is very excited because the new studio will have underground parking so the Porsche won’t be getting dirty anymore. It will also have elevators, a cafe, a McDonald’s within walking distance for those emergency McNugget cravings, and a mother fuckin couch! Not only are the guys moving studios, home_main_shad4Juder McDuder is moving to the new building too! He isn’t as excited to move to the new studio in Hollywood because he thinks Hollywood is to uppity and his show is directed to alien believers and cousin fuckers. Jude likes all the perks of the new studio, he just doesn’t like the 10 mile commute. But on the bright side, no more toilet by the fridge. Oh and the new studio will have a sting pong table. Rawdog started carrying on about his chachkis and how much he loves them like an old lady at bingo. After he tried to argue with Ellis about some scarab beetle, his bell, and a little Lego koala, they somehow started talking about Mel Gibson and how he’s a dick but not a dick and some shit. Wanna know what Satan would sound like if he was in a quartet? Lamar Odom is reported to be doing 800 worth of drugs a day. He’s freebasing coke and taking ambient and still kicking ass on the court. All of this information is courtesy of his drug dealer, which goes to show that you just can’t trust drug dealers anymore.

Rawdog might have sold his car to a stranger who left him a note saying he wants to buy it as soon as possible. Sounds legit, except there wasn’t a For Sale sign on his car but I’m sure it’s totally legit and this dude won’t try to burn Josh, literally or figuratively. A dude sent

I want to buy your car. Lets have lunch an go over it.

I want to buy your car. Lets have lunch an go over it.

in a video saying he wants to donate his car to the guys to blow up and make music video’s with and so Josh can ghost ride the whip (video). Want to see yer mums wedding video? A Detroit woman tried to by monkey from Camaroon, she paid $350 mostly in monkey tax and never got her money and tried to get the police to help but they just laughed and laughed and laughed. Some nasty lady has the worlds longest dreads, and is nasty. Seattle woman broke into the Dim Sum King and told everybody there to go back to China and flung soy sauce all over the place. English woman had a stroke and now speaks with a Chinese accent. Here’s a video of yer mum again, on her honeymoon. And in more Women Am I Right news, a Chinese girl bot in trouble for breast feeding while driving a scooter, a woman sues General Mills because crunch berries aren’t real, and another woman sues Winnebago because the cruise control implied that it was an autopilot and she crashed.

Wesley Willis is a mother fuckin musical genius! Tiger has been skateboarding for one day and is already better than me. He’s bombing the driveway, doing side grabs, nose grabs, nose and tail grabs at the same time! “The kids a natural” said Tony Hawk and when asked about Tiger Lee Ellis, Kid Rock said, “That kid is kickin more ass than a one legged ass kicker, Kid Rock!” Ellismania may or may not be sold out, Ellis is 99% sure that it isn’t but that means only one thing, there is a 1% chance that if you didn’t get your ticket yet, you’re fucked. Here’s another delightful song from Wesley Willis. Enjoy.

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An English dudes daughter walked home after he dropped off at daycare, and all the daycare place had to say was pretty much, shit happens. In Aussie News, they played a video of Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Ausrailia, answer and dominate a gay marriage question from a pastor. There was also news of Saints player named Clinton Jones who set fire to a dwarf in a bar. Its funny, not because they lit the little guy on fire, but because they lit the little guy on fire. Ellis’s “agent” said he’s “in” next year on “dancing” with the “stars,” that should be interesting. In Hollywood News, jack Nicholas is old as fuck and can’t remember shit. Clint Eastwood got himself the D ticket on the Hump Bus to Pound Town. Bieber has come out of the closet and said how much he loves sucking man dicks. J-Lo got three million for singing to some evil Turkmen dude, in my opinion he overpaid. Vin Diesel’s life has been a constant barrage of aliens complicated by being legally blind. People paid 150 bucks to meet and get an autograph from Courtney Kardashian but nobody was available to kill them. Then they ended the final day in The Swinghouse by arguing and comparing the intelligence of the fans that pay to meet Courtney Kardashian or Dave Mustaine. If you ask me they’re all idiots. Today’s recap will be ended with another lyrically majestic tune from Wesley Willis that I dedicate to yer mum, OH!