2014

Posted on January 16, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Ahem…ahem…let me preface this by apologizing for the lack of links…my puppy chewed apart my laptop charger and I am posting this from an iPad and anytime I click the hyperlink button it erases a paragraph of what I just wrote…so…no.

Secondly, Dan, you may or may not be the alleged creator of the don’t die show recap and the lone speaker for all those who have real jobs and can’t sit around taking notes (I personally wish that I thought as highly of myself as you do, by the way), but No You Are perfected the art of TJES recap, and this is how it’s done:

Ellis is “that dude” and it’s been a long ass time since he took a good look at the hole (haha…see what I did there?) but he’s pretty secure about it. He’s also pretty secure about how fat he is right now, but Mike Dolce is going to be on the show today and will probably turn that right around. Coincidence? I think not! There’s always emotions when a penis goes into a vagina, no matter what level of cold-hearted bitch status you have achieved in life, and that’s why it may be difficult for girls to have strictly sexual, no-feeling relationships with guys. Ellis says he believes that it can work for girls for a certain stretch of time in their lives, but for it to be on-going…he’ll go right ahead and call bullshit on that one. Men can have a hard time battling emotions when it comes to having sex with a girl, especially a really hot girl, and yeah, that’s a little girly…but there’s nothing wrong with being a little bit girly in different aspects of your life. Consequently….there’s definitely room for some girliness in life when you’re awesome enough for RCH racing to give you a motorbike, which will be delivered to your workplace so that you may perform burn-outs, get carbon monoxide poisoning and cause damage to your surroundings much to the chagrin of your boss. Breaking Shit My Pants MMA News is next on the agenda at the good ol’ Jason Ellis Show because there were fights on last night brought to you by the wonderful folks over at FoxSports1. Tully mentions that the Venezuelen Vixen, who won the Ultimate Fighter this past season, was in the crowd and was looking beautiful. She was also aware of her beauty and when the camera panned on her she took the opportunity to flip her hair over her shoulder and reveal her decidedly non-cauliflower ears. Cause Venezuelan bitches have great fucking ears. Onto the actual fight part of MMA News, Ellis wanted to talk about something that everyone should be talking about, but no one was- the fact (because we’re just gonna take this one as fact) that Yoel Romero- an Olympic Silver Medalist Wrestler turned MMA fighter- shit his teeny purple lycra pants and won his fight against Derek Brunson. And really…there is no denying that he shit his pants. Tully, a self-touting ‘you shit yourself’ expert who is two years deep in shit experience to the date, agrees with Ellis that there is no other explanation other than Romero rocket sharted during the fight. Romero allegedy denied that he defecated in his shorts, but everyone who was in attendance, everyone in the locker room, and basically everyone online agrees that no, it was not water and sweat, it was stinky poopie schmear. Why is no one really talking about it? Probably has something to do with the fact that this guy, who is a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like is…well…a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like and is fully capable of beating the shit out of you so that you too could know what it felt like to fight with poopie pants. Some calls were taken on the subject, a scientific justification was given for pants shitting during fighting using the parasympathetic nervous system fight or flight response, and everyone agrees that he made a poopie. Ellis isn’t really trying to rag too hard on the guy, because hey, shit happens.

Ellis, Tully,and Cumtard are heading to Vegas after the show tonight (and are probably already there by the time that I am typing this) in order to attend the AVN’s and hang out with porn stars. Tully feels slightly bad about this as today is Little Dude’s second birthday and Daddy will be spending it in Vegas at a porn convention. But hey, chances are Little Dude will have absolutely no memory of this so…Party On Tully! After Ellis gets back from Vegas he is gonna hang with his kiddies and hopefully do some fun things, so long as his kids are feeling better. Because they are sick. They were apparently up on and off throughout the night last night and Daddy Ellis was doing his best to take care of them and be the good daddy that he is. Their mummy wanted them to go to school this morning, but after being up all night with them Daddy Ellis made the big N-O call on that one, but when he tried to call Mummy to pick them up so he could go to work, he wasn’t able to get in touch with her. He called and texted and called and texted and was starting to think that he would have to call Tully and tell him that they would be doing an extremely PG rated show in a box full of germs when Mummy finally called him back. Why wasn’t she answering her phone? Because she was also sick and had slept in past 10 AM. Ellis can’t even imagine sleeping until 10 in the morning because he is 42. I can’t imagine sleeping past 10 AM because I have a 4 year old who will tell you that it’s morning and time to wake up if he wakes up at 3 AM. Fucking kids. Good thing they’re cute.

Someone from Mattel, who Will isn’t sure if they can share the name, sent a package to Tully and Ellis bursting with toys for the kiddos, which was awesome and made them both really awesome daddies in the eyes of their offspring. Tully used the toys to dissuade Little Man from going outside when it was cold (read: cold in LA means that it was probably a balmy 65 degrees out), and Daddy Ellis had it all in his car to keep the kids busy on the ride from Mummy to Daddy’s house. Win. Will comments that the people who listen to the show (or you know, read about the show on really awesome websites run by some really awesome people) who never hesitate to spend time, effort, and money to send things to everyone at TJES, and really are a tight knit group who help each other out and genuinely care for one another. Ellisfam is amazing. Case closed.

Ellis wants to freeze his blood in Red Dragons ice cube trays and put them in Katie’s drinks because that is so twistedly romantic. I’m a girl. I get it. *Heart eyes* Will has a gigantic problem with the thought of this and suggests that instead, Ellis makes a paperweight out of his blood, because it will last longer. No. No, Wilson. No. He wants to be inside his hot chick without having to be inside his hot chick. And it would take a really awesome picture. Tully suggests that Ellis make a blood snow globe instead, but Ellis would have to dilute the water to see whatever is inside and that is lame as hell. Tully wants to know how Ellis plans on getting a good quantity of blood out of himself in order to make the blood-cubes and it seems like Ellis just wants to shove a hypodermic into his veins and suck it out. Like a man. And no, Will, he won’t be shooting bubbles of air into his veins so that he dies of an air embolism. smh. Will comments that the Red Cross won’t take blood from gay people and thinks it’s kind of weird, but they’ve always been that way, and Tully kind of backs that decision. It’s probably not because the Red Cross hates gay people, and has more to do with the fact that homosexuals, unfortunately, run a statistically higher risk of contracting some very unkind diseases that people don’t want in their donated blood (or at least those were the statistics at the time the Red Cross made this policy, I’m not really sure if they have changed). For the record, the Red Cross won’t take blood from a lot of different kinds of people- people who recently traveled out of the country, people who have been pierced or tattooed within the past year, and people who smell funny. I may have made that last one up.

Tully received his Faction Board of Directors survey in his email this morning, and like a good listener (who doesn’t listen), he filled it out and pressed the send button. Will informs him that the survey he received this morning is just a phase one survey and that there will be a more in depth one to come, which will also include questions about TJES. Apparently Will thinks there are some things about the show that should change (which he won’t tell us on air because he does not want to taint our weak minds) and he thinks that there are some things that we listeners may want to change as well, feedback is a good thing, yadda yadda. I’m really not going to go into the ensuing conversation because it was a re-hashing of something I re-capped either last week or the week before (not entirely sure…I just know I was sitting outside the house of someone’s whose pipes had burst that we were trying to fix and waiting for backup from a frenchman while I was listening to it) and if you wanna know what Ellis, Tully, and Will’s stances are on the whole Faction Board of Directors/what’s being played on Faction issue you can go read that. You’re welcome. Thank you.

Back from the first break Kenda Perez is on the phone waiting to talk some more MMA news. Ellis thinks that Kenda is awesome because she is super hot and she laughs at his joke, and a man feels good when a hot lady laughs at his jokes. She was watching the fights in Georgia last night in person, like someone dedicated to their job would do, and she didn’t notice that Romero had pooped his pants while she was watching the fight, but her BFF texted her about it real-time, and she said that everyone in the crowd knew about it and was talking about it. Apparently, the locker room was not smelling so nice following the fight, someone thought that someone had vomitted, and yeah…he’s not getting away from the fact that he shit his pants. They talked some more about the fights, and every fought good, and I have a really hard time paying attention to MMA news because I enjoy MMA but I don’t know anyone’s name, I just know they punch each other in the face and bleed a lot. Romero punched his opponent in the dick and was all ‘hahaha’ about it, and Kenda thinks that he punched Bronson because he shit himself…which makes sense to no one but the lovely Kenda herself. Tully summed up an MMA match quite well astonishing both Ellis and Kenda who talked about taking a break and getting a drink and letting Tully keep on talking about MMA news since he did such a good job and I don’t know what he said cause Hubbs’ started talking to me about something. I don’t remember what Hubbs said at this point either, if that makes you feel any better. Before Kenda gets off the phone she mentions that she is back home in Newport Beach (thank God because it was cold as fuck in Georgia) and is in her bikini bottoms and a Nirvana tank top because she is going to hang up and then go sit by the pool. She asks Ellis for some shirts so she can make them look sexy and represent poolside. I made a joke to Hubbs that she was just going to sit by the pool because she’s a girl and God forbid she actually goes in the water and messes up her hair, or makeup, or whatever…and I can say that because I am a girl.

Ellis has changed his mind about poetry being lame because poetry is an art form (however douchey it may be) and it takes passion….so all of you poets out there are now in the clear so far as Ellis is concerned. This somehow morphs into Tully and Ellis discussing which sports are actually sports and which sports are games, or skills, or activities, or what have you. Tully’s rule of thumb for sport classification is that sports need to have sustained cardio to be considered real sports. Baseball doesn’t make the cut for him, but Ellis disagrees. Football is a sport- along with running, swimming, MMA, Sumo Wrestling, and porn. Will asks whether spear-chucking is a sport (aka the Javelin Throw) and Ellis and Tully call him out for his racist comment. Will splutters that he wasn’t being racist and that he is very sensitive to racist comments…when he isn’t spewing them. Hubbs had to explain to me why ‘spear-chucking’ is a racist comment to say…and I say that, because of that, I am the least racist person in this room right now. So…I beat the puppy…because Joe is in the shower. Ping Pong may or may not be a sport, paintball is definitely not a sport, and everybody knows that curling is not. a. fucking. sport. Duh.

Tully tells us that somewhere in Arizona a mother was walking around with her toddler when her toddler toddled across the cover for a septic tank which then buckled under the extreme weight of said toddler, and the baby fell in to poopie soup. While the mommy was standing there screaming “My baby! My baby!” A good samaritan didn’t stop to think before shedding his shoes and jumping in after the toddler. The man successfully rescued the fallen toddler with the help of a couple other good sams. who showed up, and the blue faced baby who had been under for several minutes was successfully resuscitated at the seen by one of the helpful passers-by who didn’t just pass by. The initial good samaritan had been released from prison only two weeks earlier and has definitely made a good start on his journey to turn his life around. It’s always good to save a baby.

Mike Dolce is in the studio today to talk to Ellis about ways to be less fat :D and he is Mega in the UFC game. He is the one that all the winners turn to when they want to be winners and cut weight- the right way. Mike Dolce- developer of the Dolce Diet (go figure)- tells Ellis that instead of eating fistfuls of candy at night he should eat some frozen red grapes to satisfy his late night sugar cravings. And why does Ellis crave sugar so hard at night? Because sugar is fuel and is brain fuel and after a long day of talking on the radio and not eating so good in the middle of the day, he needs to satisfy his brain’s need for fuel. Boom. Now Ellis has a good alternative to crunching malted milk balls that won’t wake Katie up in the middle of the night. Dolce next tackles Tully’s lunch and gives him a hi five for his salmon, but says that it’s all down hill from there since he is eating it with bleached flour pasta. Tully only eats white pasta because that’s what Italians eat and there sure as hell isn’t wheat pasta being home made by people in Italy. And Diet Coke is poison. There are four books by Mike Dolce on fitness and dieting, and if you want to get into a good exercise routine you should visit UFCFit.com and get the workout DVDs which are great for people who have been living the sedentary lifestyle for 6 months to 2 years. Dolce says that the key to being more healthy is to hold yourself accountable, to set reasonable goals, eat based on your hunger and activity levels, eat to feel satisfied- not ‘full’, and to plan on being 1% better today than you were yesterday. When asked by Tully what food choices may have made Romero shit his pants during a fight Dolce replies, “I don’t know, it wasn’t me!” Which made me laugh for a solid five minutes.

Back from the break Tully informs us that the man who was a victim of anal probing thanks to police has reached a financial settlement of 1.6 million dollars. Ellis thinks that the police who subjected him to this anal horror should be anal raped for two straight days in penance, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Tully states that no one has ever been able to sufficiently explain to him why the old ‘eye for an eye’ policy just won’t work. I think Ghandi had some words about Hammurabi’s Famous Code, although I don’t think that’s really the best explanation either. Ellis hopes that the man doesn’t have to pay taxes on his settlement, and Tully asks that if someone well versed in law, like a lawyer, is listening if they can call the show and let everyone know about that. A lawyer does not call…or maybe one does and can’t get through because no one is answering the phones. Will says that it’s his fault, but Ellis and Tully give him shit for it because the phones were being answered more often when there was one intern and now there are two producers. Ellis and Tully want to have a superbike race and Will thinks that’s a bad idea and that he is ‘that creepy guy’ at the mall. But he probably isn’t. Tully breaks the news that the Philly police have arrested the Swiss Cheese Masturbator, and let’s us know that this isn’t the first time that he has been arrested for dairy related sex crimes. Apparently in 2009 he was arrested for propositioning a woman on the street with 20 bucks to rub a brick of cheese on his Johnson. As the show winds down they talk about going to Vegas and the AVN’s, take calls from final callers who still don’t understand how phones work, and try to persuade Will to accompany them to Vegas.

What we learned on the show today:

Shit happens

If you’re going to shit yourself under pressure- the place to do it is the Olympics

Phil is the guy from Mattel who sent all the toys….good job Phil!!

SiriusXM Canada subscribers should take their issues to President Sasquatch

Ellis had his liver lacerated from being kicked in the liver

The Awesome Guide to Being Awesome is out on 2/18/2014…go to Amazon.com and pre-order your copy today!!!

Ellis is excited about Moto. Tully still isn’t

Tully likes when Little Dude watches sports with him

Paintball-not a sport “My leg is orange…I’m not going to make it…go on without me”

It’s funny to get kicked in the face by a baby

The Dolce Diet has been proven to be the most successful way to cut weight

Ellis did the Dolce Diet and felt secure enough to take his shirt off

If you’re hungry at night eat frozen red grapes, smoothies, or raw nuts

College food is Prison food. Really.

Yoel Romero is a 36 year old muscle on a diet of death, murder, and babies

Never stand up and bang with a nugget

Ellis was really gassed out for his EM9 fight, but everything that went wrong made it that much better overall (because Ellisfam is amazing)

Mike Dolce is a great human being bringing men everyone great asses on women

Cumtard says passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent to giving birth

All the guys are bringing to Vegas is a bag full of pills and a block of Finlandia

New Shock-Taco-Cumtard-Vomit Video on Ellismania.com

Guys with tattoos like Ellis laugh at ‘guys with tattoos’ like Cumtard

A caller will get mad TJES if he’s willing to shit himself in a restaurant

A blacksmith is less gay in a sweet leather vest (according to Cumtard the Cumtardian)

Will is hustling to the store to get some swiss cheese before shuffling out to vegas

Ellis will be at the Hard Rock in Vegas tomorrow, naked, covered in Viagra tongue melt strips…if you’re interested

Go pre-order Ellis’s new book on Amazon

Go get Jude’s book Hyena while you are at it

Visit PatriotGuard.org

Dan- you have been served…and I’m a fucking amateur ’round these here parts

*drops the mike…walks offstage*

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/13/2014

Posted on January 13, 2014 by bitPimps 中

No Golden Globes? No problem! Have this instead.

Welcome to the 2nd Monday recap of The Jason Ellis Show for 2014! It’s already been a big day for some of us, because we congratulated @emilyinSD on her non-existent pregnancy! Chicks love that kind of stuff. Ellis is like a transcendental meteor in the media, but he’s over himself now. Kinda sad breaking news right from the get go, which required the legendary voice work of Wilson to give the show a breaking kinda sad news button. But I digress, it’s kinda sad breaking news time – Ellis now has allergies. Here at No You Are, our thoughts a prayers go out to Ellis and his loved ones, EllisFam, kids from around the world (except the sickly ones you see on TV), and the inventor the burrito vending machine. Ellis rode his kids’ crazy carts this weekend, Tully played in a bouncy house, and what did you do? Adult stuff? Gheeeey! Catching balls is hard, and that’s why the NFL exists, because they make catching balls look like it’s just a sport or something, it’s amazing. Speaking of amazing, Dwight Howard went hard in the mutha-fuckin’ paint against a child, and sometimes children need that shit just so they remember that their parents might love them, but that don’t make them jack shit in big kid world. Then we touched on The Golden Globes. I do not recap about The Golden Globes, so moving on… Ellis saw a bunch of movies over the past two weekends, like a whole lot – even 12 Years a Slave, and a movie about an old guy and a boat.

The only sport that needs less cocaine.

Pigeons, they’re everywhere, and the world of pigeon racing was recently rocked when competition homing pigeons testing positive for pain pills and cocaine. What are to tell our children when all their pigeon idols are hopped up on dope and appearing on boxes of Wheaties? This sounds like a job for the government, a group of trustworthy, unbiased minds really needs to get to the bottom of this. Guess what? It’s moto talk time, Cole Seely has been totally brain fucked, against his will, I think. Anyway, this reminded Tully of Chuck Knoblauch (knob lock) and he was in a mind fuck kind of state when he couldn’t throw a baseball for awhile. Knoblauch. He’s got the lock on the knob. Tickle time, Broc Tickle got 8th, which is in the top 10, but not the top 4, or 3, or 2. Chad Reed got Tickle timed because he came in 9th, and you just know that’s gotta put Reed in a mind fuck situation, but he’s a god damned champion and knows how to unfuck his mind. And with that, a final closing thought on sports. Cocaine needs to come back into sports, the proof is in the booger sugar pudding, it would make things so much more exciting. And how can you talk cocaine and not bring up the subject of titties? Sorry Aubrey, that’s the best segue I could muster at the time. No, we’re not talking about Aubrey Marcus’ titties, I guess we’re not talking about his girlfriend’s titties either. Yeah. We’re not talking about titties at all actually. We’re talking about a video of Whitney Miller preparing for combat and crying after she got choked out, it’s inspirational and you should watch it.

Remember when you were a kid and weren’t sure how to act?

This brought us into Tyler Posey. Who? Yes, THE Tyler Posey. But who is that? I don’t know, but apparently he smells terrific. Turns out he’s on an MTV show, Teen Wolf, and he wants to start a podcast to entertain people. I’ll have to admit, he sounds like a good kid, even though he doesn’t want to be part of the “teen” crowd any longer. He’s been disillusioned with Hollywood fame and doesn’t like how a lot of the actors / actresses are so pretentious, how they feel the world owes them something, etc. He’s thankful for what he’s got, the opportunities that he’s had, but he has aspirations to get tattoos and do radio – he wants to be Ellis. He wants to take over Rawdog’s spot, not only on the show, but in Death! Death! Die! as well. He was given the test a lot of celebrities get when they say they’re a huge fan of the show. Tully asked him, “We forgot to mention something we normally mention at the 2 o’clock hour, do you know what that is?” His answer, “Is it break time?” Ahhh, the laughs we shared. While he seems like a good kid, he is just that, a kid – as we all were once. He stuck around for the remainder of the show as Tully presented “Fill In The Blank News” to everyone. The rest of the show was spent talking to and about Tyler, the things he wants to do, who he wants to be when he grows up, the things he’s done, the inappropriate songs tween girls have sung to him, and his future possibilities. At one point, it sort of felt like you were listening to a podcast about a star on Nickelodeon, but whatever. It was better than hearing some dumb porn bimbo not have an opinion on anything other than the optimal place they would prefer to take a man’s load and then giggle with the most amazingly annoying voice you could imagine. While I wasn’t sure how in the blue fuck Tyler would be picked as a guest, once they started bantering ideas back and forth about a collaboration, I then understood. Ellis might see this as a chance to reach out to a demographic that he’s not currently known for hitting. I get it. It’s like the reason there is no black character in the game Clue, otherwise it just be called Solved. OH!

Oh, you find my jokes offensive?

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

Posted on January 9, 2014 by jenni_mazky

…

Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the FreeCreditReport.com band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to PatriotGuard.org

***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/6/2014

Posted on January 6, 2014 by bitPimps 中

We’re back up in the heezy.

Welcome back, our only friend! First recap of 2014 is about to be all up inside of you. All. Up. Inside. Up in ‘dem guts, naw I’m sayin’? So here we are, inside the hole radio. Ellis’ eyes have been opened, he now knows Canada is all Asian, even the white people. Ellis also went to see some moto this past Saturday, he didn’t like the common people seats (nose bleed seats), but he hung in there. Dingo pretended to see some moto this past Saturday, from his sofa – but that don’t stop the Dingo from bringing in some moto gossip. Apparently Twitch had a video on his Instagram of Alessi crying, but now that’s been reported and removed for some reason. Ellis missed that, the GOAT doing hot laps, fireworks, etc. while he was meeting Grant Cobb in the parking lot to get him in to the common people seats. Speaking of Grant, Ellis finally finished up his head tattoo last night. And speaking of Ellis, he will be on Dr. Drew’s TV show tonight. Speaking of Dr. Drew, it’s tickle time because Broc Tickle got 8th or some shit. Lumpy Ellis has officially moved on to greener pastures, he was removed from his host face two weeks ago before the trip to Canada – hence no third seat needed on the plane. Speaking of money, Dingo feels like this is his year, he’s gonna be rolling in the dough and hanging out with more famous people. Speaking of dough, Wilson is thinking about starting to self-medicate for diabetes. Speaking of diabetes, you can join the Faction Board of Directors to help change what music is played on the channel.

CPR used to begin with smoochies, not handjobs!

Kenda Perez called into the show to talk about New Year’s and MMA. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva failed his post fight drug test and got stripped of his $50k bonus, which I assume was going to be put to good use for a specially modified pillow for that massive Omnimax dome of his. Anderson “The Spider” Silva (The Spider and Bigfoot are not related) snapped his leg like it was a #2 pencil in the crack of a stripper’s ass. It looked like it didn’t tickle. Like, at all. Ronda “Rowdy” Rousey won her fight with Miesha “Cupcake” Tate and riled a bunch of people up after refusing to shake hands with her opponent. Tito “Ouch, My Neck” Ortiz crashed his Porsche today and was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Breaking MMA news, Dominick Cruz has pulled out of his fight with Renan Barao due to a groin injury and will give up his title – and now Urijah Faber will be fighting Barao. Guess where Dingo’s never been, Africa – but he’s been to Spain, and he still knows more about Africa than you. But that’s neither here nor there, we’re talking about South African CPR. Apparently they have some kind of indigenous fight club and when a dude got knocked out, they splashed water on his face – oh, and jerked him off. Know what else Dingo has seen? Shaun White’s erect pecker, because, you know, kids and stuff. He say’s Shaun’s packing a big ole ginger dick. So, perfect segue time, the Ellis kids got some crazy carts for Christmas and anytime Tiger gets passed by his sister, he gets possessed and drives straight into rage world. He started ramming the shit out of sissy, spinning out, and crashing into everything.

NOBODY PASSES EL TIGRE!

Fuck snakes on a plane, and fuck dogs on a plane. And fuck dogs in restaurants. That’s Wilson and Tully’s position on the matter, unless of course you’re a god damned, bat shit crazy asshole – then you may be excused depending on how mentally disturbed you really are. Speaking of offensive, while flying back from their holidays, Tully’s son vurped (vomit burp) right into Tully’s crotch while on the plane. He tried to clean himself up as much as possible, but ended up having to sit in with his barf moistened balls, stinking like rotten milk barf. Then they land in Denver, the plane’s delayed, so he’s still just chilling with vomit balls, get’s on the next plane and has to sit next to a stranger. Talk about an awkward flight, how do you even begin to explain throw-up sack? Awful. Just awful. Hey, Piers Morgan accepted a challenge to receive 6 cricket pitches from Brett Lee and earned himself a cracked rib for his troubles. I don’t care about Piers, cricket, or some dude named Brett Lee – but I do support anyone beaning Piers by throwing balls at him.

Canadian customs or football coach?

So on the way to Vancouver, Canadian Customs called Ellis off to the side and asked him if he was mad dogging one of the customs agents. Dingo thinks the head tattoo is to blame. For all the talk about how nice Canadians are, their customs agents really would make you think differently, I’m not sure I’ve ever run into one that wasn’t power tripping on something or another. While Tully was in Wisconsin, he ran into the ass patched jeans and gathered some evidence to help prove his point to Ellis that True Religion / Affliction style jeans are still alive and kicking. So while pushing a stroller through the mall with his is mother-in-law, he tried to snap a few pictures of Milwaukee locals’ asses without being busted by people or mall cops for it. Dedication and hard work, kids, that’s what gets the job done. There’s a dude with 2 cocks who did a Q & A on reddit.com. I’m not really sure what else to say about that other than, “huh.” Speaking of dicks, it took 15 cops to get some dude wigged out on meth to stop masturbating, remember the talk about dedication and hard work, kids? Speaking of tards, sounds like it is official, the newest member of TJES is Cumtard, as a producer. Welcome back you pube eating / smoking / bro-cone / baby bird / champion! And there you have it, the first TJES recap of 2014. I mean, a real recap, not a phoned in, 30 second, hodgepodge of words. OH!
(Disclaimer: That’s a joke. That’s what we do. Make jokes.)

Just sayin’

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/16/2013

Posted on December 16, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Hi guys! I’m not drunk, really.

It’s that time again kiddies! No, not time for booger art, it’s time for Monday’s re-cap! No Dingo today, he’s caught a case of the cunties and is sick. Ellis was thinking if he was tiger faced man, more man than tiger – think like Tony the Tiger, he would have to save the world by fighting crime with a bulletproof vest. His kids would find it weird at first, but after they got used to it, maybe while having a bowl of Frosted Flakes, they’d be cool with it. Is it worth it? So Ellis could still have cancer because Dr. Creepy didn’t cut that lump off his face yet. And now his jaw is hurting. Tully is not on board the Ellis has cancer train, he thinks it’s all in his mind. Ellis did a lot of shit over the weekend, more horse riding on the tard trail on his big-ass horse. Apparently a lot of the old western movies were shot in Burbank, but Cheers was not, or maybe it was. Probably not though. Ellis also jumped his motozuki this weekend, so mark that one off the bucket list. It’s great to hear that his face lump isn’t slowing him down and he keep crossing things off his bucket list, you know, just in case he dies during his lumpectomy. Just kidding Ellis, you’re not going to die anymore than I’m going to be hilariously funny in this recap. Jude stopped in for few minutes and talked about how his podcast pal is a lyric snob and basically thought Jude’s rap on the Death! Death! Die! album was child-like. Wilson has a boo-boo on his arm and so he’s wearing a bandage to hide the cancer-stricken hideousness that is festering there.

OMG! Spiders! Eeeck!

I don’t even remember how, but somehow we got on the 9/11 conspiracy theory topic. Oh, wait, I remember now. It was Sluggo. Kenda called in to talk about the UFC fights that happened over the weekend and to say she hopes she’s never been put on the “ho phone”. You know, like one of the three Wilson carries around on him at all times. There were some good fights and they were all free, so that was cool. If you missed them, you should check out the reruns that are already playing. Or read about them on the Internet at www dot pee pee hole dot com dot au dot org. Anyway, you know how Kenda is always around the MMA events and dudes wanna take pictures with her? Get this, when some dudes go to put their arm around her for the photo, her shoulder goes right into their sweaty armpits. Think about next time you’re kissing on a chicks shoulder. It probably tastes like Right Guard and that’s why. Michael Buffer is out for Bruce’s (his brother) throat, to be America’s Next Top Ring Announcer. But according to a caller, Bruce practices in the nude, so that might make him indestructible. I like to pretend that when they’re mad at each other, they both use their announcing voice to insult one another. “Ladies and gentleman, turn your attention to the asshole in the kitchen, my fucking bitch of a brother!”

We’re gonna blow your mind!

Ellis and Wilson like watching their local news, mainly because Sam Rubin is on. Tully hates it because the pace and flow suck, not to mention the people reading the news are fucking clowns. Not literally penetrating or being penetrated by clowns, but acting like clowns. Actually, I take that back. They’re doing all of it. A Wichita news anchor accidentally let the viewership know that he was ready to get the fuck out of work. Who is that crazy-ass white boy with tattoos that isn’t Ellis? Who knows. Dude, is it gay if Ronnie Faisst put Twitch’s toothbrush on his dick, then Twitch brushed his teeth with it? Twitch responded by putting Ronnie’s toothbrush in his ass and then Ronnie brushed his teeth with it? It’s full of homoerotic overtones, but it’s more stupid than it is gay. Hey, are you into conspiracy theories? Like on a pack of Marlboro’s there’s “KKK” and “Horrible Jew” type shit? Then you’re most likely batshit crazy, but that doesn’t make any of that bullshit any less fun at times. Like rocks are actually soft and squishy, they just tense up when we touch them or that Lady Gaga is actually JonBenét Ramsey. Let those sink in and blow your mind! We got to hear from a lot of crazies, but the fun has to end at some point and more serious business matters need to be addresses, like handing out Wolfknives names.

Now that we blew your mind with conspiracy theories, let’s talk about another kind of blowing – glory holes. They are out there. Apparently it’s more common than most of us would tend to think. You ever go to the mall? Yup. Glory holes. You ever go to an adult bookstore? Of course, glory holes. Airports? Indeed. Glory holes. Rest stops? Oh hell yeah. Glory holes. Basically, you’ve probably been in close proximity of a glory hole. And let’s face it, that means you’ve made eye contact with many a man who loves to gargle the load of another man – because girls aren’t in men’s bathrooms. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it sure is an eye opener. I missed a few minutes of the show (looking to see if there’s a glory hole in my house) and when I came back, Will was talking about how it’s unconstitutional to keep the phone records of Americans. I have no idea how we got here, but here we are none the less. Talk turned to how peoples’ webcams and such have been hacked so others can watch / spy on you unbeknownst to you. That shit definitely happens along with many other scarier things, so keep that shit in mind next time your sitting in front of your webcam eating your boogers. Why did nobody come to Billy’s birthday party? Because the clown he hired for the entertainment had opened fire on a crowd of tourists in New York the previous week, before killing himself, which soured the whole occasion. OH!

The other side of the glory hole.

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis

Show Recap for Thursday 1/16/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/13/2014

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/6/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/16/2013