2012

Posted on July 10, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Aggressive anal probably feels better than shitting out a kid.

Welcome to Tuesday’s re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show. The show stars Jason Ellis, probably most notably known as a professional daycare provider, Michael Tully, and Joshua Richmond. Only one thing in that last sentence isn’t true, can you guess which part? Sounds like Katie told Ellis that he’s a little weird when it comes to aggressive assplay, which sounds like a legit reason to be a little weird about it. The words “aggressive” and “assplay” right next to each other tend to invoke fearful thoughts. There was talk about how much of “sell out” someone might be, even if they’re rich. I don’t give two shits how rich I am, if the money is that good – I’d be out there putting my face on yogurt that makes your poops more regular if that brings me massive checks. I’m looking at you (and your tits), Jamie Lee Curtis.

I came here to drink beer and post a re-cap, and I’m almost done with the re-cap.

Some 16 year-old caller says his 17 year-old buddy went to the hospital and blew a .38, which really isn’t that great at that age – he should definitely be blowing at least aggressive 7’s. I should try to squeeze in a joke about 38 Special here, but I’m just not into it so you’ll have to make something up on your own. Hey man, weed should be legal, know what I’m sayin’? Ya feel me? Get it now? Do ya? Lots of callers had lots of opinions about alcohol and smoking weed and all types of ill shit. It was neat. And by neat, I of course mean snorefest. I’m pretty sure we all have “me and/or a friend drank too much” and “legalize weed, man” stories, they’re all pretty much the same. In some lying ass article, men don’t always need to have sex, sometimes they just want to cuddle – coincidentally, they call those men, women.

31 flavors under each roll of fat

In the saddest news possible, the band Chumbawamba is breaking up after 30 years. I know, I know. I’m already working on a fan site dedicated to Chumbawamba, where we can all gather and share our thoughts and talk about all the good times we’ve had while Tubthumping. Several callers claimed to have “funny stories”, and as you can guess, none of them were funny – the best part is that Shoebox lost $10-$15 dollars on betting whether or not the caller’s stories would be funny or not. They weren’t. New ~~Jew~~ Music Tuesday was tolerable today, mostly because Yelawolf (@Yelawolf) dropped some new shit today, even though nobody could figure out the lyrics, it still sounded good, and then the new “Slingin’ Cream” song was played today as well. Speaking of slingin’ cream, your mom and her “friend from work” have been tag teaming the delivery guy from Baskin Robbins for free treats since back in the day, when they were just 185 pounds. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 5/18/2012

Posted on May 18, 2012 by bitPimps 中

We made it! It’s Friday! But yet a lot of us still want to kill people today, what the fuck is it with today? I don’t know, all I know is I’ll piss in today’s asshole if it fucks with me anymore. Ellis popped a rib out or some shit when he was sparring with Babalu Sobral, I suppose you run the risk of those kinds of things happening when you’re fucking around with tough motherfuckers. The logical thing to do was let Dr. Rawdog try and stand on Ellis to pop the rib back in, turns out 120 pounds of chicken nuggets aren’t enough to pop a rib back into place. Enter Dr. Tully, he took his turn with as much luck as Dr. Rawdog, so they called another professional, Dr. Shoebox – and viola! Ribbie popped back into place and role credits, then a sneak peek and next weeks episode of House, MD.

Some chick that had won a @HardLuckKings guitar off the show called in, she used to dabble in the prostitution game, but now she just drives herself to a “weekly appointment” she has, and jerks off her boyfriend while she drives. What a fuckin’ champ! Some other girl called in asking if she was a slut because she let’s her girlfriend finger her while she plays Mario Kart. I don’t think an answer was ever given because apparently along with fingers in her pussy, she also has fingers in her ears – because she couldn’t hear for shit. Some dude called in and said he used a fucking laser pointer to burn off a genital wart! There can’t be much brains involved in that operation, I’d be goddamned if I’m letting a laser pointer near my nuts if it’s powerful enough to burn through skin.

Rawdog brought in some food and beverages purchased from a 99 cent store and the guys tried the smorgasbord of failure. Some of the names were just as fantastic as you would think, there were too many for me to list, but a couple of my favorite product names were “Mrs Freshley’s” and “Salsaghetti”. Did I ever tell you the true story on how your mom started hooking? No? Well I was there to witness it, so let me tell you how it all started. Back when your mom and dad were still married and down on their luck, they decided to make a few extra bucks by having your mom work the corner. After the first day your dad picks her up and asks “how did you do?”. She said, “I did pretty well, I made $200.50”. Your dad asked, “What asshole gave you 50 cents?” and she replied “all of them”. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 4/20/2012

Posted on April 20, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Great googly moogly! It’s Friday, it’s 4/20 duuuuuuude, and it’s also the last day of TJES in NYC. Some of you lucky shitbirds are going to get to go see Death! Death! Die! tonight, so who’s dressing up in black and painting their face with death makeup? More weirdo Josh moments were discussed, like how he walks through revolving doors wrong, turnstiles wrong, and just his general awkwardness. Gobbledorf is now an official employee of Sirius XM and now gets to be paid for doing radio! Congratulations to ManBoy for kicking a goal, he deserves it and apparently he’s embracing it to the point of almost sucking off everyone at Sirius XM. DDD was in studio today, they took a few requests and then that massive slut Rachel started singing. The entire first hour of the show was the guys jamming out in the studio, so not a whole lot to say about it other than the vocals were too low. Got that Shoebox? TOO FUCKING LOW!

And guess what else? That’s all folks! It’s Friday and I don’t feel like doing anymore writing so I’m cutting it off here. Oh, what? You’re disappointed? You think I’m slacking? You wanna tell me I suck? Well check this out.

This is you falling on your face

This is what you need to do

And this is your mom’s dump truck ass, OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 2/3/2012

Posted on February 3, 2012 by bitPimps 中

That’s right, it’s Who Gives A Fuck Friday (#WGAFF) and guess what else? I don’t give a fuck, a fart, or a fucking fart. Let’s get into this quickly, very soon, like immediately, pretty much right this instant. Talk started off with a bit of hindsight about yesterday’s show and comments concerning Fred Durst. I guess a lot of people were hating on Ellis for not verbally kicking Durst in the nut sack. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog think the interview went well and that they did what they were supposed to do (I agree.) Get the guest to volunteer information and then get them to volunteer a little bit more, which Ellis is good at. Although Tully did explain that he thought the interview would have gone very differently if they were interviewing him 10 years ago. If you think about it, that’s absolutely true. But enough of yesterday’s show, let’s move on. I SAID LET’S MOVE ON! Fuck, man – come on – try and keep up with me here.

Tully gave Rawdog a ride home on his birthday because he was drunk on ~~dick~~ Jägermeister and Rawdog didn’t give him a hand job or anything of the sort. How rude. I guarantee Dan Diablo (@DanOD5) wouldn’t have stood for that bullshit. Speaking of which, Danny went out last night but did not impregnate any sluts, get any chicks’ numbers, get his junk grabbed by a weird dude or anything like that. I don’t know how that happens, but whatever. You don’t question Dan Diablo’s decisions.

There was a “bad ideas” segment, which included:

What have you accidentally thrown away that was valuable?
The winner here I believe was Christian Hand. He threw away the original trilogy of Star Wars on laser disc as well as several BMI checks worth a couple thousand dollars a piece.
Poetry readings
I’m not sure there was a clear winner chosen here, so I’m just going to go ahead name Tully the winner because his poem was about taking a shit – and it was classy as fuck.
Australian country songs
Ellis won this one hands down and not only because he was the only person singing. His awesome impression of Jack The Cunt with extremely homophobic and racist lyrics really made it shine. Sure it may have stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl, but that’s part of the beauty of it. It was fuckin sick, ya cunt.
World’s greatest tree
The Rambo Tree squeaked out the win as a last minute entry, surpassing the Christmas Tree (in your face Rawdog). I mean, it’s name is fucking Rambo. That’s pretty badass and way better than a “rubber” or “maple” tree.
Screaming contest
Cumtard won this with his cookie monster scream even though Tully seemed louder to the ear. The best part though was when Will “Shiney Shins” Pendarvis gave it a shot.
What have you gotten through airport security
This one should probably go to Rawdog and “Mr. X” because Mr. X got his shampoo confiscated at the airport, but not his weed – that was in his lost luggage – that took him 2 days to work up the courage to go and get. There was a dude that had a bunch of bayonets and M16 cartridges, but whatever. You make the call.
Milk news
What’s going on in the world of milk. I don’t fucking know and I don’t think anyone does. We’ll just go ahead and give this one Jack The Cunt since he sang a short diddy about milk and cunts.
New character Barack Lesnar
Tully wins this one too because he rattled off some shit that was a mix of Barack Obama and Brock Lesnar. Rawdog did too, but he sounded like a racist from the south while he read his. Fuck it, we’ll say both of them win.
Bible stories with Rawdog
Rawdog read a story of two kings or some shit. I don’t know. At this point I’m just thinking about what your mom is doing right now and it’s probably something really deviant.
Bobby Evil Aussie Magician
This goes to Ellis as well because it sounded like Jack The Cunt’s cousin. And I’m still thinking about your mother.
Why are you so lame?
This award goes to Cumtard. No explanation needed. However, how many loads do think your mom has swallowed by now? It’s like almost noon.
The ultimate chocolate bar
You can’t really beat what is already out there so I’m just going to say Snickers won (I think Tully suggested it.) Why? Because I said so, that’s why! Don’t argue with me about it okay? Okay. Fuck, I really could use a drink right about now. Think your mom would make me one? She could use her asshole as the shaker and then squirt it out like she taught Sparky to squirt milk.