Tag Archives: Rawdog

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/18/2013

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diversify_your_bonds

You wanna have $ to donate to charity? You gotta listen to WuFinancial advisers.

Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.

oh_im_so_scared

Bomb threat? TJES ain’t scurred.

Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.

gsp_face

It hurts not so much here or here, but all over.

UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.” Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.

proud

A proud Wilson in his new Red Dragons jeans.

In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.

Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.

survive

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/11/2013

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my_only_friend

Shout out to NYA’s only reader. Our only friend.

Hello Bungday, we meet again. Hello readers, we meet again. Hello walls, how’d things go for you today? The shit you hear inside your head maybe like what a snake hears via it’s belly. Who fucking knows, science? SOMEONE GET ON THAT, PRONTO! Dingo has a sweet gold chain on today, so says Ellis. Rawdog has a replica of a chain like Dingos, it’s plastic, painted gold, and from a fair or some shit – you know, baller status shit. The studio is moist today, so is Dingo, and people in the Philippines, so shout out to them – but fuck that typhoon Haiya, no shout out for that typhoon. Fall Out Boy shout out the Philippines, Tully even saw them tweet it, still, no shout out to Fall Out Boy either. Dingo went snowboarding on Saturday and got shit-whipped. Dingo also agree’s that Katie has a great ass, no homo. People see your face differently than you see your face, which is why everyone seems to ask you, “what’s up with your fucking face?” If you got a true mirror, where your image is reversed so you can see yourself like others see you, then you too can hold your vomit back. Just kidding. I’m sure you look splendid. Very pretty. Beautiful even.

pet_goats_pap_smears

More titles to read to your children at bedtime.

Ellis bought his kids the Shaun White skateboard ramps, because… Well, I don’t know why. Whatever. Anyway, he had parenting stuff this weekend, Tiger kicked some goals – not that kind – but literal goals in soccer, 6 to be exact. Some stinky kid was there. Nobody said shit to Stinky McGee, but everyone was waiting for him to burst into a shit-smelling cloud of nasty. Tiger scored on Smelly Turd-Turd which made daddy proud because red-headed Greasy Shitfartington was being a fuck knuckle. Tully met Thomas the Train. I remember when my kid was into that shit, it fuckin’ sucks and it’s even kinda creepy. Anyway, he got serious douche chills because of all the shame and passive-aggressive behavior that show teaches children, but now it was in real-life form, right in front of him. Rawdog did not meet Thomas, instead, he mentioned The Berenstain Bears and how he thinks it was a Christian based cartoon. And if anyone needs Jesus, it’s all y’all motherfuckers and Mr. Adultery himself, Rawdog.1 Actually, he’s not Mr. Adultery for the time being as he broke up with Karla over the weekend. You can tell he’s bummed, but it sounds like he also felt it was for the best, but of course still feels bad about it.

hurry_up_and_finish

Pretty much everyone’s face when they’re trying to hurry up and finish masturbating.

Tully finally came clean. No, he’s never fucked Wilson’s ex-wife. He did however tell us that the new Death! Death! Die! album is planned to come out of the proverbial closet2 on Tuesday November 26th and there will be an on-air release party. He also says that the website should be updated within the next day or two where the album will be on pre-sale for you to pre-order and pre-cum. Also, he’s never bought a chick a dildo, but has bought plenty of vibrators. For women. And nothing too crazy, like a vibrating fist or Thor hammer. Also, he’s the best total package his wife has ever met. He thinks. Actually he feels really confident about that, he might not be the best cocksmith, but it was enough to rock his wife’s world. But as everyone knows, the real test for any marriage is the Rawdog test. If Rawdog bangs your wife and she doesn’t go back to him, you won. But if her Rawdog appetite is insatiable, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. Oh, and chicks that are too hard to make cum, that’s on them, not you. I mean, as long as you’re trying and not a total dick, or treating them in a way they don’t want to be treated. Also, its okay if the chick tells you that she needs to finger herself or she’s not gonna be able to cum. Lots of chicks can’t cum with just a cock jammed in their wee-wat. If you’re not okay with it, maybe you need some therapy. Or maybe she hates you and your smelly balls. Who knows, but you better ask somebody.3

wait_what_is_that

Wait. What? Hendo got knocked out?

A new draft of the California bill to force porn stars to wear condoms is out, now they want porn stars to wear goggles. Which clearly is an attempt to force the porn industry to make more material for the goggle-fetish porn fans and screw over the jizz on my eyeball-fetish porn fans. Ken Block isn’t in porn, but he does have a new video out today, Gymkhana SIX, and it does not star Vin Diesel, or Rob Dyrdek. Ken called into the show and confirmed that indeed, his new video came out today, but he said nothing about not being in porn – so what I’m saying here is that he might actually be in porn.4 Vitor Belfort and Dan Henderson fought over the weekend and Vitor won by TKO in the first round, which might have included the very first time Hendo has been knocked out, even if just for a second. Jeremy Stephens won by knockout 40 seconds into the fight with a head kick. Want more MMA news? Head on over to your favorite MMA news website. What? No. I don’t have one to suggest to you, do your own damn clicking. Moving on, a Russian performance artist freaked out tourists when we nailed his nads to the street. He said it was a metaphor for Russian society, but nobody gets it. Red Bull is not in porn, but they too have a video out. Actually, they have a lot of videos, but this one is about a half-mile long supercross rhythm section.

wow

How’d you react to the show logos that you couldn’t see? Be honest.

Ellis needs a logo for the show, and not the one on the show’s signature cum rag. So they sent Wilson some logos and before he even showed anyone, he sent them shits back because they looked like hell. Before we could get into logos though, Wilson’s wearing a Sam Rubin style watch that was given to him by a phone company to switch his service. Now, back to logos that we can’t see. Wilson flipped through several options and gave minimal descriptions for the listener’s, such as “then there’s this one” which really gave everyone a good visual representation of the logos. Ellis had a meeting with his new manager today, sounds like he’s stoked and thinks it will be beneficial to errybody. NFL talk time, Rawdog won this weekends round of bets with Tully on who would win, someone was supposed to get shocked or something and Ellis read a portion from his book. Oh, and racism. I have no idea how all this ties into to one another, I didn’t catch all of that part so you’ll just have to suffer. Hey, remember that site Ashley Madison? Some Brazilian chick is suing them for 20 million because her wrists hurt from typing up so many fake profiles for the site. And before I forget, OH!5

Footnotes:
1 Just joking. That pretty much puts me in the clear, right?
2 I know, that makes little to no sense. Just roll with it.
3 Or don’t. See if I give a shit.
4 Eww.
5 What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Babies can get cancer.

yeah_i_said_it

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

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I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/4/2013

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my_first_little_boob_job

Show keeps cutting out? Read a book!

It’s Monday and I think the last recap I did was on October 14th, go me! I’d like to thank myself on such an accomplishment. Actually, it’s not all my doing, but still, I’ll take credit for it. So there should be 5 straight days of radio this week, since it’s Monday and all. And Ellis is thinking about changing his kid’s middle name to “Total” so he’d be Tiger “Total” Ellis, totally. So I assume everyone was like me, the show kept cutting out for the first 10 fucking minutes, so I heard something about Rawdog & his dad riding bikes and then Don Henley’s daughter attacking Dingo. I don’t know how those 2 tied into each other, but let’s just pretend that Rawdog & his dad were riding bikes with Don Henley and his daughter when Dingo started shooting at them with a hunting rifle1. Fish are plentiful in Panama, but you can’t talk to them, but if you had an underwater microphone, maybe you could interview a fish here and there. I mean, fuck science, right? Speaking of fish, my daughter’s pet fish died recently, on Friday if memory serves. I think he tried to tell me he was going to commit fishicide, but I couldn’t hear him because I didn’t plug my earbuds into his asshole. Vegetarian talk time, and since I’m not full of stupid, I eat meat and therefore will refrain from talking about any of that bullshit malarkey. What it boils down to is, cows are stupid, fish are stupid, and therefore humans eat them. Maybe we should eat stupid humans. Wait. No. What if you caught the stupid from eating stupid people? I’d want some research done on that before committing to eating a stupid person. Science, get on that please. It’s not like it’d take away from how close you are to a cure for cancer. *cough*

lesbian_horse_stories

More reading material for you and your children.

Ellis is coming off drugs. He got sick in Panama, drank, got some antibiotics and codeine, and didn’t even think about how codeine is a pain reliever and causes constipation. So he wasn’t eating or pooping over this past weekend, then he realized, oh shit! I can’t shit! Why can’t I shit? Oh, it’s because of this anti-shitting sizzurp! So now he’s on his way to feeling all better, eating, pooping, and radio’ing. Dropping your kids off at daycare, babysitter, or school can suck and be a little emotional, but them little shits need to get used to it (as do you) because they have to be normal little fuckups in the world. Nobody can care for your child like you do, unless you’re one of those dirty-ass shitballs whose kids constantly have lice and shit because you’re a gross-ass, shit slob of a parent2. Then pretty much everyone can care for your child way better than you and you should be eaten by smarter people. But hey, enjoy your life now because come Tuesday, you might be busy or something. And that’s exactly why Rawdog has fed pigeons before, you can’t hold the fuckin’ thrill seeker back from anything! You know how Dingo is a surprise expert in some the oddest shit you’d never guess3? Well, even though he admits he doesn’t get on the internet very much, he also appears to be a video game expert – especially, and oddly enough, with the massive multiplayer online genre of games. Ah Dingo. Full of surprises, he is.

public_bathroom_smells

A 26 foot turd will have a formidable scent.

So some chick purposely made herself super constipated and then took what is believed to be the world’s longest shit, coming in at a whopping 26 feet! This of course was the perfect segue into the Bellator fights that nobody watched, apparently King Mo took a shit and was beaten and that sums up Bellator, a complete turd with a few nuts mixed in. Ellis watched some boxing over his weekend of constipation, some dude fought another dude and one of them eventually won! Exciting times in the world of boxing, even less people watched that than the Bellator fights. This brought us to NBA talk about craptastic looking shoes and has-been stars of yesteryear, completing the trifecta of shitty sports that have less viewers than a re-run episode of Hardcastle and McCormick4. Rawdog hacked into the world’s mainframe network to watch some football over the weekend, the Steelers versus the Patriots game to be exact. And it should come as no surprise that he liked the commercials the best and understands commercials, but not football. He knew when a touchdown happened, he saw a long pass or two, he saw “a guy with some long, curly hair” (Troy Polamalu) but was still more impressed with the commercials. Rawdog didn’t know, but Gary Kubiak, coach of the Texans collapsed on the sideline. Turns out he was okay, just a bit sleepy and thirsty. Oh, and don’t forget to watch out for your dogs and their Chinese jerky treats. But you won’t. Because if you haven’t bathed your child since the nurse cleaned it off directly after birth, let’s face it, you’re not doing a god damned thing for your mutt of a dog.

job_well_done

Rawdog after a hard days worth of “Doing Stuff With Rawdog”

Usain Bolt, boy, that guy sure can run – am I right? He ate some chicken nuggets, a lot of chicken nuggets because he hates Chinese food as well as Chinese people. Rawdog pretended to not know anything about this story, but nobody is believing that shit because the technology exists to send alerts to Rawdogs, phone, laptop, toaster, Prius, etc. anytime chicken nuggets are mentioned anywhere in the world. Would guests to The Jason Ellis Show like warm, moist towels – or would they just prefer Dingo’s warm, sweaty hands? This brought us into “Doing Stuff With Rawdog” where the all-knowing Rawdog provides answers to life’s toughest questions. I was stuck in traffic for most of this segment so I didn’t have a chance to field all the questions and answers, but rest assured, you’re probably better off anyway5. Steve Wilkos, President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee From Kansas City. Steve Wilkos, Former Nobody With His Own Shitty Show For Nobodies. Steve Wilkos, Jesus H. Christ who cares about this dumbshit ass-wipe? See, world? This is why people hate the world, shit shows like this and the shit audience that watches the shit shows6. So what’s the craaaaziest TV moment he’s seen? Two guys taking their shirts off and one of the guys had a single female breast. Has this motherfucker never been on the Internet? Fuck that guy, watch these homeless people instead because it features a dude with no arms & no legs, necking this shit outta some other homeless person. A chick wearing Google Glass, uhh, glasses while driving got a ticket for them shits. Heads up display (HUD) is the shit and I think even safer than checking your dashboard, but you don’t need fucking texts and tweets in front of your face while you drive, ass-fuck7. By now, you may be asking yourself, “sheesh, is bitPimps in a bad mood today or something?” No, not really. But I’ve had a fucking headache since I woke up this morning and that shit isn’t going away8. So let me try to lighten the mood a little bit with a joke or two. Why was the little boy sad? His pet fish died. No? Not doing it for you? How about this one. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” He then realizes he is hallucinating the entire situation and is still in solitary confinement, as he has been for 17 years. He cries himself to sleep. OH!

1 That was just pure pretend. I’m sure Dingo would be in jail if it were true.
2 You may or may not be a shit-stupid, sleezeball, motherfucker of a parent, I don’t know.
3 Dingo may or may not be an expert in whatever oddball shit he talks a good game about.
4 There are way more shitty sports than those, but whatever, it’s cool.
5 Mileage may vary, depending on if you qualify to be on the menu for other humans to eat.
6 Aren’t we done with these type of shows yet? Come on, seriously. Please. Stop.
7 Maybe you’re an ass-fuck, maybe you’re not an ass-fuck. But still.
8 I think it’s a sinus headache mixed with stress. Or maybe my period. Who fuckin’ knows.
9 Your mom.
10 She seems like a nice lady.

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

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It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

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