Tag Archives: Miley Cyrus

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013

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oooh_slam

BOOM! First paragraph and I’m killing it! Or not.

Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.

sign_language

Sign language ain’t so hard.

You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.

were_talking_about_hotdogs

Wait. We’re talking about hot dogs?

Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further tits ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.

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Leaving the wiener bit behind.

We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.

An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!

done_masturbating_got_cum_on_yourself

What does my face look like when I cum?

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/25/2013

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getting_gas_at_the_dentist

Getting gassed at the dentist.

Hello reader, how are you? I’m doing fine, thank you for asking! I just wanted to tell you good luck. I’m counting on you. Ellis went to the dentist today, he’s got numb face and he had to tell the dentist to keep that gas going as they were grinding down his toof. He hasn’t gotten his goldie teef yet, but he was such a big boy that the dental assistant chick gave him some chocolate. He’s boned a dental assistant before, a couple times actually. She had blown out titties but got them shits fixed. Dingo needs his own chair in the studio, a Dingo chair one might call it, that he can get his sweaty hands all over. Dingo cooked dinner the other night and cut his poor wittle finger. He cooked a turkey burrito in a pan and he’s been known to make a lasagna once or twice. What’s that? The show seems different today for some reason, you say? That may be explained by the fact that Rawdog isn’t there, but Cumtard is. Absolutely nothing was mentioned about Rawdog’s absence, so anything would be speculation at this point. I’m sure whatever it is/was will eventually be addressed as that’s how the show (and real life) has always worked. Ellis went to get a massage, had a towel over his face, and when he flipped over, he felt his pee-pee lay over towards his hip. When the massage was done, he got up to see what kind of view was revealed and felt like a creep. But a creep who is packing heat.

190_dollar_pjs

Your pajamas were how much?

Dingo’s wearing $190 pajamas today, for that amount of money you’d expect him to be constantly orgasmic, but he just seems comfortable. Dingo and Ellis have decided to burn their Uggs, which has to be the best decision ever because, wow. Ellis is a bit of a soap connoisseur now and he’s not falling for any of those cheap as soap gimmicks anymore, so watch out Irish Spring! In an effort to get candy, he got some rose scented shit sprayed on him and went around asking people to smell him. Dingo’s just waiting for the soap rash discussion, but that never came. Instead, we heard about a 12-year-old, crying Dingo who got scabies and passed it on to all his friends. Sounds like Wilson got himself a new haircut and a new lanyard and has allegedly been fucking the fat off himself. He reminded the guys that the go kart track that they’re going to Tuesday is having a toy drive for poor people and if you can, bring 100% of a full toy, not 10% of a toy like Kim Kardashian. Ellis and Dingo have been having strange dreams lately, Ellis thinks his is from the Alpha BRAIN and Dingo thinks his is from a RZA week.

feexins

Whenever Cumtard is on the show, everyone wonders what the punishment is going to be.

So this dude in Washington, IL filmed a tornado going straight for his house, tornado hunter’s Tully and Cumtard question the legitimacy of the video, but you can decide for yourself. Ellis got his Porsche fixed (not really, it’s gotta go back) and then somebody hit it, denting the exhaust pipe, marked it up, and THAT is why we can’t have nice things – because people suck. In case you haven’t heard, Cumtard has one of them phone apps out, called Freaky Scenes, and he’s gets more chances to plug it today by answering some trivia questions, wrong answers mean he’s eating some death dealing dog food from China. Let’s just say he didn’t leave the show hungry and you probably wouldn’t know the name of his app if I didn’t just post a link to it. Tully got a call from his bank saying someone tried to use his debit card with a fake ID of him and of course it was in Inglewood because Inglewood is always up to no good. “We live in a world.” ~Dingo Let that one sink in a blow your fuckin’ mind. Ellis will be on terrestrial radio tomorrow morning, on The Heidi & Frank Show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber has perfume or wears perfume or both. Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt an island for $20 million. Common man Dingo say’s that’s chump change. Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather. Jason Momoa has a man cave and invited Ellis to come over some time, even gave him his phone number, so he might be on the show one day – the tale of two Jasons. Manny Pacquiáo won his fight against Brandon Rios in the first ever pay-per-view boxing card from China. Ellis started to talk about his incident with Beacher of Beacher’s Madhouse and Dingo quickly cut that conversation off like someone was talking about murder for hire over the telephone. Seems like Dingo now hates that dude and doesn’t want him to get his name mentioned even if just to say “fuck that guy”, which Dingo did actually say. Nobody knows whats up with that and it doesn’t look like the fans will ever know – and I’m okay with that because I said fuck that guy before it was cool to say fuck that guy. Also, apparently people are mad at Dingo for posting a picture of Miley Cyrus on his Instagram. I don’t really care one way or the other, so I don’t know what to say about that. Ellis got sent some Duck Dynasty shit for his pets and Dingo ain’t about to let anyone hate on that shit. This spurred on some callers who treated us to their duck and deer calls. Oh, and we got to hear “Smoked Out Clit” from Death! Death! Die! and Everlast.

nap_time

How to silence Dingo.

Breaking news, Cumtard did not eat death dealing dog treats from China. After he started feeling like shit and forcing himself to vomit it all up, news on the wire was Wilson had played a dastardly trick and Cumtard actually just ate beef jerky. Wilson, you sly minx! Back to the news of the stars desk, Dingo Dingerton went to the AMA’s, he talked about how just fucking incredible, best thing since sliced bread, Imagine Dragons were. Of course he had to name drop Miley, Rihanna singing “garbldey arrrhhhg I forget” (which sounds like a kick ass song title), Nelly was there giving a shout out to the Lou. Thankfully Shoebox came in bearing gifts to steer the conversation away from “Dingo name drops more people in 60 seconds than anyone would think possible.” That lasted all of 90 seconds before Dingo steered us right back into name dropping thing. Shoebox chimed in with some real talk about wanting to fuck Miley. Then back to Dingo for his obligatory Miley name drop and to let us know he’s been to the AMA’s for 3 years now, again. Eventually Ellis had to tell Dingo to shut the fuck up for a minute so someone else could talk. No offense to Dingo, even though it sounds like it. I just could care less about the AMA’s and hate having to recap about that garbage. More power to Dingo for being in the mix in that world. I’ll have you know this man risked his life once. In the passenger seat of a truck. That was being driven by a professional. In the middle of a dessert. Where other driver’s drive past you and if you’re in serious trouble, they stop to help or call out for help. And where helicopters fly above checking the progress of drivers. HAHAA But seriously, thems jokes. Dingo was getting kind of heated for his terrifying rendition of being the passenger in a Baja truck. And finally, two lepers were playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off. OH!

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Come to NYA for the recaps. Stay for the entertainment. Am I right? I’m right, right!

Show Re-cap for Thursday 10/3/2013

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Today’s show was a highly anticipated one by all listeners as yesterday we were left with a ‘Best Of’ and a vague tweet from Jason which was interpreted by many as gloom and doom-y as possible. My twitter feed exploded with people vowing to drop their Sirius subscription, rallying for a fight, and pledging their allegiance to Ellisfam- and the always wonderful BitPimps helped calm many (or at least me, and I sort of count in the lesser grand scheme of things) with a post telling everyone to keep calm and harden the fuck up. Or something like that. But seriously, I spent the afternoon yesterday rationalising to myself all of the reasons that he couldn’t have been spontaneously fired and dreaming that he finally landed a television show after someone saw him on KTLA and saying, “He’s fucking amazing! Why doesn’t he have his own TV show?!?!?!?!?”

Getting right into it, skipping the intro music and ditching the robot voice, Ellis knew the listeners were waiting to know what the fuck happened yesterday and didn’t make anyone wait longer than necessary. In a nutshell: Will called Ellis yesterday as Ellis was driving in to the studio to tell him that someone at SiriusXM told him that some of there area was being hijacked (office space and the green room) to be turned into offices for someone else’s sales department and his studio was no longer going to be his studio, he was going to be sharing it with whomever else they decided to throw in there. Ellis said, “I didn’t agree to that” while thinking ‘I’m the fucking King of the West and last time we talked we all agreed that I deserve everything I’m asking for’ and decided to forgo doing the show because he’s a man who stands his ground. The ending is that the Big Bosses at SiriusXM worked everything out and said it was all a big mistake, and if that’s good enough for Ellis then that should be good enough for everyone. He is trying to do what is best for the show, get a producer, get the people working with him the money they deserve, and continue to do bigger and better things. The whole ordeal left him stressed out, talking about moving in with Katie, selling his car, and becoming a male prostitute, but once it was worked out it left him more driven then ever. Which is great. There’s nothing wrong with taking a stand.

Moving on.

Yesterday morning Ellis was on KTLA, which to my understanding is a morning talk show over in California, and he was awesome. He had a great time doing it, and thought it was hilarious that the teeny tiny female anchor was so pathetically weak that when she punched him she almost fell over. You should watch the clip, if you haven’t already, because Ellis is entertaining as hell and I realllllllllly find it hardd to believe that no one has given him his own TV show yet. Seriously, I don’t watch TV because there is nothing on it that is worth watching anyway, but I would tune in to watch tiny chicks punching a big tattooed Aussie in the face any day of the week. If you wouldn’t do the same…you suck and you’re lying to yourself. KTLA also served as a great place to plug Ellismania 9 as Sam Ruben is an anchor on KTLA, so they could talk about his upcoming fight with Tera Patrick.

Speaking of fighting…but wait no…because the TV has been installed in the studio!!!!! They spend a good few minutes commentating to random television and commercials (at some point one of them mentions that they are watching The Chew) while Wilson is begging them in the background to stop watching the tv and talking about it because the listeners can’t see what they are talking about and it was his worst fear coming to life. The Jason Ellis Show briefly turned into a bunch of guys on the radio reacting to things that they were seeing on tv and…still managing to be entertaining. Poor Wilson.

Speaking of fighting, but this time really, guess who sent Ellis a skateboard in the mail which featured Bruce Lee? You aren’t going to guess. It wasn’t Tony Hawk, or Nicole Richie, or Tatiana Ali…it was Dana White. A guy that Ellis is friends with that he can’t believe he is friends with. General consensus is that the Bruce Lee skateboard will be mounted on the wall in the studio, because that’s cool as shit. And…speaking of Dana White, the Ultimate Fighter was on last night. Ellis watched it and the guy with the earrings got beat up. That is all. This led to Ellis talking about his sparring partner last night, who was a fat mexican guy wearing a shirt that had a fat joke on it, because sometimes it’s just awesome to laugh at yourself. He didn’t look like the kind of guy who could do three three minute rounds, but he did and Ellis had a good time. Ellis talks about how awesome it is for people to go to the ‘real’ gym (read- boxing gym) to get in shape as opposed to mindlessly slapping their feet to the beat of ‘duh’ on the treadmill, because not only are they getting in shape and losing weight, but they are learning skills and staying engaged and interested. Rawdog thinks that you can get the same workout and health benefits from running on a treadmill and says that some people find it medatative. He also apparently thinks that he could run on a treadmill blindfolded. And he was wrong. Until he changed his mind and became right. Tully ran for a little while, not on a treadmill, and says he always felt like he was skiing or flying and it was a cool feeling, but he didn’t stick with it.

There were shots fired at the Capitol in Washington DC. Why is food on television so goddamn entertaining when it leaves you so unfulfilled? Look at them feeding all of the health food to the fat guy? Why are they zooming in and slow-mo-ing the old guy dancing? These are all questions you hear when you put a tv in a room of guys doing radio. TJES was a little bit ADD for a while. But seriously, what IS up with food tv? Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully all seem a little flumoxed over it as there is no satisfaction to be garnered from watching people cook and eat food on tv. So why do people do it? Why do women do it? Because it’s filler tv that you can just put on and space out to, clean the house, do the laundry, and you’re not really missing anything. Just like with soap operas. Take Ellis’s advice and just watch Spongebob, because the Bob always delivers. Tully brings up the point of porn (not food porn) because at least with porn, if you’re masturbating to it, you are getting some satisfaction. There is no food equivalent to this. If you are watching food tv, most likely the only thing that you are getting is hungry, and probably curious about what the fuck the EVOO shit is that Rachel Ray keeps talking about. It’s extra virgin olive oil.

The Hurricane was a boxer, not a natural disaster, who was falsely accused of murder and convicted of it back in the 60’s at the height of his boxing career. Which really sucks. What sucks even more was that he spent 20 years in jail and Bob Dylan wrote a song about him before some teenager finally managed to help get him a retrial and get him the fuck out of jail. Denzel Washington played him in the movie about this whole incident, and I’m wondering if they fit in the part where after he got out of prison he defected from America to our cousins in the North and moved to Toronto where he continued to be falsely accused of crime. At least the cops in Toronto realized their mistake in less than 20 years and released him- presumably with a “My bad, eh?” and a hearty Canadian handshake. Ellis thinks that Canada is a good place for black people because the people there are less racist. Tully thinks that the Hurricane is looking a little crazy these days…but that’s probably something that happens when the White Man steals 20 years of your life. Sorry, Hurricane.

If your wondering why you’re still paying taxes during the shutdown of the federal government, wonder no more, as the FBI shut down silkroad.com- a website which was the online black market and dealt with goods on the wrong side of savory like heroin, cocaine, stolen credit cards, and child porn. Go feebs!! But, no, Tully still found that there are plenty places online to continue buying heroin. So, basically your taxes are paying for the Congressional salaries that don’t get affected by furlough. Fuck. Shit. Maybe that’s what the shooting at the Capitol was about.

Tully and Katie are undertaking Onnit’s ‘Look Good Naked’ challenge and today was Challenge Day One! Tully is going to look great in a speedo for his vacation when the challenge is over and Katie…is hot already, but there’s nothing wrong with getting in shape and we get to listed to her huff, puff, squeak, and moan. For The Win. The Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge is for everyone who wants to look better naked (who doesn’t) and it’s done three days a week for three weeks, with each week adding on more cycles of the exercises…or reps..or whatever you call them (because I’m that dumb gym bunny who is not down with the lingo) and the exercises they did were rope slams, alternating plial lunges, rope alternating uppercuts, push-up free burpees, and ab boat rowing. We got to hear what Tully and Katie sound like in the sack (Katie sounds better) and both of them did a really good job. Josh should be doing the challenge so that he could be ready for the fight at Ellismania 9 he’s participating in in a week and a half, but he isn’t, because what’s the point when everyone is rooting for him to lose anyway? Whaaaaaaaaaaa. No, Josh, Tully and Ellis are on your side and really want you to win, they just know that you don’t take fitness seriously and you talk funny and you admittedly could be working a lot harder to get ready for the fight. Fuck the fight, anyway! You should be doing the challenge in preperation for the FuckFest taking place afterward (which you WILL need an Ellismania ticket to participate in, if interested) because that’s gonna take hella lotta cardio stamina to get through. Ellisfam doesn’t fuck around. At FuckFests. Or maybe, yeah?

Go get your Ellismania 9 tickets!!!! Time is running out!!!! You don’t want to miss it like me, do you?!?!?!?!?! Of course you don’t!!! Tickets are at Ticketmaster.com and I can tell you to go get them and go to Vegas because I don’t work for The Jason Ellis Show or SiriusXM. I don’t care if it’s your prerogative or not…go buy them and have a good time and meet the awesome fuckers from this site and party. You will have the oppurtunity to see Ellis fight Gabe Ruediger, Rawdog fight Nick Swardson, watch the prisoner fight, girl fight, leprechaun fight, musical chair fight, and more!!!!!!

There was a gathering in NYC of a crotch rocket club called the Hollywood Stuntz Race which resulted in some Ninja Knack Knack Champion of the World biker assholes chasing down a guy in a Range Rover where one of the bikers proceeded to break the driver’s side window with his helmet to pull the driver from the car and beat the ever loving shit out of him in front of his wife and toddler. Hmmmm…yes it’s true that the Range Rover put one of the biker’s in the hospital with some really bad injuries, but the biker in question was blocking in the RR and the driver was trying to get away. Bikers have a bad enough rep for no reason without bikers on crotch rockets giving them a reason. Seems like this involved a bunch of biker guys who were looking for a fight. In other bike news, apparently there are gangs of hipster bicyclists across the nation who are biking for their right to disobey traffic laws and ride drunk with police escorts so they don’t get hit while running red lights. Are you fucking kidding me? I agree with Tully, these people are fucktards who are angry with the world and are tying their anger to a pointless cause and wrecking it for themselves because they are assholes.

Wilson leads the guys in a game of Google Auto Complete Says What? with the theme of prejudices. We learn that the English speaking users of google are wondering about stinky french people, chinese cat food (made from cats), Jews refusing to shop at Hitler or leave Iran (NOT the Holy Land), Italians who don’t wear shorts, Koreans without souls, Japanese people who don’t say ‘I love you’, Indians who can’t say no or swim, Russians who don’t die, Aussie’s who all don’t like peanut butter (because they have the superior vegimite), and women who believe in wedge loafers. Will takes offense to google auto complete shining a light on the fact that people are asking google why white people have no lips, because he has kissable bee-stung lips that fix computer moniters with a single kiss.

During final calls (where none of the final calls were of show-ending standard) the conversation turned to Mia Farrow hinting at Frank Sinatra being her baby daddy instead of Woody Allen, Justin Bieber being carried on the shoulders of two black men on the Great Wall of China, and Miley Cyrus. Why they hell is there such an outrage about everything Miley does? Tully and Ellis bring up the point that there is nothing she is doing now that the other Disney Darlings weren’t doing ten years ago and that Madonna wasn’t doing 100 years ago (or however old she is). Rawdog thinks Sinead O’Connor has some good points in her open letter to Miley, which Miley dissed on twitter because she’s Miley and she’ll lick all of the hammers she wants while swinging naked on wrecking balls because that shit sells. Ellis is right, she knows what she’s doing and she knows what is going to keep people talking about her. The reason people freak out more about Miley? Because she was Hannah Montana and a billion 5 year olds want to do everything she does…she didn’t start out in a sexy school girl outfit or belly dancing her way out of a genie bottle, she started out wanting the Best of Both Worlds and doing the Hoedown Throwdown, so parents the world over don’t want their children witnessing what happens when someone grows up because they don’t want to be involved enough in their children’s lives to teach them right from wrong themselves.

If you have never seen the Boondock Saints, or if you haven’t seen it in a long time, go watch it on Netflix so you can know what everyone is talking about on the show on Monday. Rawdog and Tully have never seen the movie and have committed to watching it over the weekend and discussing it with Ellis on Monday’s show. Also, if you are a man or a woman who thinks they can beat out the current reigning Little Miss Jason Ellis, or if you are an unsigned band or an unsigned fart, show the guys what you have and send it to ellisparodies@gmail.com. Tomorrow, Ellis will be giving away tickets to Ellismania, so if you are going to Vegas and haven’t gotten your tickets, listen to the show tomorrow and score some freebies!!!!

Things we learned:

Mario Batali kept his restaurant open on 9/11 to fight terrorism

Tiggie threw Daddy under the bus at school for having a black eye

Ellis is driving to Ellismania and doesn’t need a plane ticket

If Ellis makes it to 80 he may just have 5 wives

Ellis’s grandfather was a tranny late in life and was damn happy because of it

ALL MEN HAVE PUSSIES…in their prostate

Katie likes Hanna Montana but hates that Miley stole her haircut

Terry Crewes is bumping asses with Dr. Oz (who looks like a zombie)

Hipster messenger bag bicyclists are fucking assholes

Stunt Riding on motorcycles is not a real sport

Ellis will kill american ninjas

Katy Perry is a better singer than Miley Cyrus

Ellis would give up everything he has to have his brother back

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/26/2013

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bubble_pipe

Get your thinking cap on, today’s full of thoughts!

It’s Monday, and god damn it, my name is not Tim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But hey, listen. I mean, read. Fuck it, listen and read at the same time. Ever try that? It’s pretty hard to do and comprehend what you’re reading while you’re listening. Seriously. David Blaine tried that shit once and that’s why he seems a little fucktarded in the dome. A better you than the you, you expected is always a pleasant surprise, it can be a bit confusing, but still. Ellis knows Ricky Carmichael (aka The GOAT), he spoke to him and everything. Why is The Offspring in your mom’s ass? We all know you can’t rely on a shit rope, that shit rope is gonna break, and speaking of which, Wilson is like the weatherman. Tully was at an Israeli wedding last night, and wrote down a quote from the groom’s drunken mother. She called her son her, “United Steak of America, I’m sorry, I’m hungry.” Tully recounted his ordeal Friday and his wife’s grandma. They did a short recap of what happened on Friday’s show for Tully, which included Almart. That quickly turned into cool places that get shit-kicked outta business by big chain stores. What does heaven look like to you? What picture would Jesus give you to help you interpret what heaven looks like? Rawdog? God sends him a picture of the Apple store, though he thinks Superman would greet him into The Justice League. Ellis? He wants pizza Jesus because he doesn’t like people telling him what to do, but he doesn’t mind pizza telling him what to do. Tully? He had some serious logic and it was kind of dark and depressing, fitting right in with the streak of evil that lives inside Tully.

come_to_me

Send in your videos, promise, it’ll be okay!

Prostitution has always been legal in Switzerland, did you know that? Did you know about Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives, and Swatch watches? Good. Moving on then. In Zurich, there has been a problem with street walkers, so they built them their own little whore boxes to do their whore work in. Low and behold, Wilson will be going to Amsterdam and then Zurich – make of that what you will. We heard the rest of the t-shirt design winners and none of them included any of mine, so all you people are dead to me. Do you hear me? Dead to me (not Tim)! Ellis is still trying to convince Tera Patrick to box Sam Rubin, a drunk, trash talking, Sam Rubin.  Other potential fighters were discussed, such as @Shanwize1, whose fight last year won fight of the night awards. But if she wants to fight, it sounds like she’s going to have to do the leg work to find an opponent because @FaceplantLauren has a jacked up back. And there’s a lot of open spots still for fighters, so don’t be scurred and make a 3 minute video of you punching a bag, a pillow, the air, whatever and send it in to fightclub@ellismania.com.

tuna_cum_sandwich

What is it about the Richmond’s and eating cum?

Fucking MTV VMAs talk time, you knew it was going to happen, and now here it is – rearing it’s ugly head. Miley Cyrus’ ass was the hot topic for pretty much everyone across the globe. Who cares. What I found more interesting was that apparently Alan Thicke’s son (Robin) is someone with a varying degree of significance to stupid kids? I had no idea. I still don’t even know what he does or why, all I know is Alan played Jason Seaver in Growing Pains. Coolio is auctioning off his entire music catalog, which consists of 8 albums over 19 years, so he can raise the skrilla so he can… become a chef. That’s right, he wants to be line cook at Denny’s or some shit. Nobody told him the only reason “Cooking With Coolio” was semi-successful was because it was hilarious to see a rapper with a cook book? Surprise! Rawdog’s sister (Gabi) also wants to be a chef and she cook chicken and shit. I assume “shit” is slang for crack and that she’s giving up her gangster rap career to follow her dreams. Here’s to wishing you all the best, Gabi. Fat Joe is going to the slammer for not paying taxes on a million dollars of income. Not paying taxes is so fucking gangster. Did you know rich people get really good stuff as compared to poor people? Yeah, me too. Did you know Rawdog took everyone’s advice, shit on it, and then bought a Prius? He also thinks he could get $1k for his old BMW, so if you’re into shitty cars that smell like McNuggets, bust out that mason jar of change and it could be yours!

A bunch of college chicks in Australia took pictures of their vagina in an effort to curb the vaginal plastic surgery rage going on down under (HEYOH) and it pretty much backfired because (lips for days) people that saw (lots of hair) the photo were freaked out (defects), so much so (oh god) that the school (kill it with fire) wouldn’t run the ad in the school’s newspaper. This spawned a shitload of pussy talk from callers, and as you can imagine, it was incredible insightful and nobody made any jokes or derogatory remarks what-so-ever. Just remember, you came from one, so you better watch the lip (HEYOH) or things could get hairy (HEYOH) real quick. Reeking I mean speak of which, I remember one time I went to the doctors office, and while in the waiting room I spotted your mom. “Can I smell your pussy?” I asked. “No! How dare you!” she said. So I responded, “It must be your feet then.” OH!

so_happy_for_you

No, really. I mean it.

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 6/13/2013

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interns

Yes, where are the chicks that wanna talk wad?

Holy shit! It’s Thursday the 13th! Wait. It’s Friday the 13th that’s supposed to be freaky, isn’t it. My bad. But for all we know, it could really be Friday and the man is just making us think it’s Thursday. Ever think about that one? You did? Oh, you did? Okay, well then fuck it. Ellis thinks he likes Frank Sinatra more now and might get some suits, go to night clubs and sashay to “Come Fly With Me”, and act like a completely different person. His therapist says he needs to get out there and get bitches numbers and shit, without doing a pillowcase full of cocaine and shitfaced on vodka. The knuckleball is an uncommonly thrown pitch in baseball, it is thrown to minimize the spin of the ball in flight, causing an erratic and unpredictable motion, making it harder to hit. Speaking of baseball, it was 43 years ago today that Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter while on LSD! A little intern rivalry on the show today as Anal Gay-Lewis spilled the beans on Jimmy Neutron, how he’s kind of stupid and doesn’t follow orders very well, specifically, his orders. Neutron started to give Anal the stink eye and began defending himself as he was having tremors in his fit of rage. The guys thought maybe Neutron was just blowing hot air, but he say’s he’s trained a little bit and thinks he can take Anal. Are you guys catching all these innuendos that are heavily peppered in the past few sentences? One thing both interns agreed on was that they both liked Team Jetta better than the each other, even though Team Jetta seemed like he had been partying with Jude before coming to work.

dumbass

Shout out to intern Jimmy Neutron!

Hollywood news times. Rapper 2 Chainz’s robbery was actually caught on video along with a dude that happily skips down the sidewalk during the robbery. So cute! NBA talk time, the Spurs put Tracy McGrady (aka T-Mac) in the game because they were kicking so much ass. Back to Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, that’s neat. David Letterman likes to compliment guest bands on their drums and find out if the drums are theirs or not. Pal of Jason Ellis, Carey Hart, was on TMZ because a photographer was taking pictures of Pink changing their child’s diaper, so Carey and his friend assaulted the dummy. Amanda Bynes and Cher got in a small spat on Twitter, then today Amanda got into it with Miley Cyrus on Twitter as well, and all that is super neat. Reese Witherspoon accidentally showed her turd cutter on them skreets. There are fragrance foundation awards? What. The. Flower? Who cares. Gerard Butler was on some show in Germany to try and crack nuts with his ass and then pour ice water down the front of his pants. This prompted the guys to think this might be something the interns should do, which of course Team Punishment (aka Tito, aka Jimmy Neutron) thought was a dumb idea and didn’t want to do. What a team player, he pretty much isn’t into anything and he definitely seems to have a chip on his shoulder. Each intern was sent out to get the goods, 1 some walnuts, 1 a bag of ice, and 1 to get something else I can’t remember. First one back? Jimmy Neutron, with a sack of fucking trail mix. What a dumb-shit. The interns finally came back with all their supplies, but only Anal Gay-Lewis knew how to put fucking ice in his pants, the other 2 interns were just lost. One is fucking high on something and the other must be mentally retarded.

sack_of_my_breath

I’m guessing there were no balloons in Sparta.

Some fool has invented cube shaped wheels for skateboards, you know, because cubes must out perform round fucking wheels. I guess he’s talking about traction, but still, it looks ridiculous. Hey, did you know most past civilizations are full of fantasy shit that never really happened, like vikings wearing helmets with horns? Well, not Sparta. Apparently it was pretty much exactly like the fucking movie 300 – but with way more insults and a lot less love. Your newborn look a little funky? Better abandon that little shit on a hill and hope some stranger takes it home to eat it. So you’re 4 and afraid of the dark? Guess what, you get to be isolated in a dark room, ya little pussy. Happy 7th birthday! No go learn how to hunt and be a soldier and be naked. Oh, you’re hungry? Better steal some food and hope your ass doesn’t get caught, or you getting the shit beat out of you. This sounds exactly the opposite of where interns are raised. Rawdog did his workout challenge on-air today and it sounds like he went hard in the paint like a champ. I assume he spent the next 10 minutes on a single, continuous yawn afterwards. Then it was time for his testosterone smoothie. The interns were put in charge of making the smoothie, and guess what they couldn’t do very well? Yup, use a fucking blender. Scratch that, he worked out until he started puking, so that’s pretty fucking hard in the paint – though I’m not so sure having to puke after every workout is a good thing. You can say what you want about Rawdog, and you can say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds. OH!

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