Tag Archives: Ken Block

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/19/2014

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do-what-what-do-i-do-again

What’s that? I rolled it again? Oh, you didn’t want me to roll it? What?

Yardsale is back! For today anyway, tomorrow he gets his heart welded on and he’ll need at least 1 day to recover. It’s fucking heart surgery man, so don’t be upset if dude takes a few days off. If it were me, I wouldn’t even be in today, I’d be too much of a wreck to stop puking and shitting. Anyway, you know how he went to race this weekend? Yeah, he rolled his ride again, at least he went most of the race and rolled half way through the last lap. He was 10th out of 18 at that point. But hey, he qualified 17th and at one point was 8th, so that’s doing pretty good for not really being a racer. Besides, Ken Block crashed this weekend too, so there’s that. The main point here is that he had fun. Apparently TJ Lavin did pretty well and Ronnie Faisst sucked. Ellis is trying to stay excited about getting his heart surgery, Tully is excited, and all of Dingo’s innards are revolted at the idea. Dingo was a Jason Ellis Show correspondent at the Street League event this weekend, but we’ll get to that later. Ellis forgot to go on cam this morning like he planned to do each week, but seriously, what’s up with parking tickets in LA, am I right? Speaking of LA, there’s some traveling show about Pompeii or some shit. Why is that a touring festival? That seems weird. It’s like Burning Man, but with lava, pyroclastic flows, and death and shit. I hiked into Haleakalā crater once. Worst experience ever. I thought I was gonna die. Who knew a smoker, hiking out of a crater that doesn’t want to let you leave, in thin-ass air, above the clouds,  not wearing sunblock, wouldn’t do so hot in that situation? Looked awesome hiking down, but hiking up was pure hell. Anyway, I’ve gotten side tracked. So dudes, is there a chick you would lock down by getting pregnant? We’re talking you put holes in your condom, but don’t tell the chick so she “mysteriously” gets pregnant and has to stay with you. I guess you have to be clear on your motives. I chose Oprah just so I could make her best friend, Gayle, jealous and be there to watch their relationship deteriorate. Anyway, since Ellis has been thinking about life lately with his upcoming heart surgery, everyone on the show came up with a bucket list over the weekend. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to realize that Dingo has his own personalized stationary. Fucking. Amazing. Now, on to the bucket lists… after this!

ink-and-personal-lubricant

Tired of sitting at work, needing to masturbate, but not having any personal lubricant? Now there’s KY Ink! Sold at stores near you!

And we’re back! Wanna know which 7 jobs have the highest suicide rates? Well just for you, I have the answers! I mean, someone else has the answers, but I can at least link you to them, so that kinda counts, right? What’s up with #7 on the list? The rest made sense to me, but #7 left me confused. So what’s the remedy for all these people in high suicide rate jobs? Get naked and hug a tree. Just go with it, man. Ellis ain’t got time for shit, except putting air in his tires. Turns out, he doesn’t have time for that either because people be blocking the air pump. Then the gas station attendant wouldn’t turn the air compressor on. DAMN THE MAN! Or at least damn the man working at Art’s 76 on Hollywood Blvd. Allegedly. Anyway, on to the bucket lists.

tree-lover

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dave! We said get naked & hug a tree. Not just whip it out and start fucking it!

Ellis’ bucket list:

  1. Be number one in radio, satellite or terrestrial.
  2. Race cars.
  3. Have a ten-some.
  4. Own a Lamborghini.
  5. Have a kick boxing fight.
  6. Do a wheelie on a horse.
  7. Not to pay his ex-wife or ever get a divorce again.

Cumtard’s bucket list:

  1. Have his likeness appear in a comic book.
  2. Go to Japan to fulfill his round-eye perviness.
  3. He’d like to fuck a girls butt.
  4. Sell a script he wrote and have it produced.
  5. Do a voice in a cartoon or video game.
  6. Save a life.
  7. Get powers. Like super powers. Which isn’t allowed on the list.

Wilson’s bucket list:

  1. Doing a voice for an animated series. He’s been dreaming of it since he was 9-years-old & even wrote to Mel Blanc.
  2. Have dinner with Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra.
  3. Own a home.
  4. See a reunited Pink Floyd in concert.
  5. Listed on The Jason Ellis Show Wikipedia page.
  6. Go on a ride-along with the LAPD.
  7. Wants to see The Jason Ellis Show become the biggest show in the world.

Dingo’s bucket list:

  1. Have a family. Soon.
  2. Go heli-boarding in Alaska with his brother & dad.
  3. Create an award-winning TV show.
  4. Climb Mount Everest
  5. Sail around the world.
  6. I missed it. He went too fast, like he was ashamed.
  7. I missed this one too.

Jetta’s bucket list:

  1. Visit space.
  2. Sit courtside at the NBA finals
  3. Visit the deep sea
  4. Die on film, like fake die on TV or a movie
  5. Write a book
  6. Go see the Amazon rainforest
  7. To be in a massive, no rules, food fight

Tully’s bucket list:

  1. Make at least two more solo music albums
  2. Make a third album with someone he really respects
  3. Make some sort of meaningful contribution to the comedy of someone he likes
  4. Open a sandwich shop that he can afford to run into the ground
  5. Get a fancy, fully stocked, kitchen like they have on TV
  6. Be able to fly to several NBA playoff games first class style, hotel, food, etc.
  7. Have convincing cybersex

Next up, what kind of unusual shit have you fucked? After this!

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Carol & Jeff paid good money for these trafficked kids, only to find out the kids are broken. Don’t let this be you. Buy your slightly used kids from Nike!

And we’re back! Ellis will be live on his website at 7PM. Every Monday at 7PM and every Wednesday morning at 8AM. All times are Pacific. So eat a piece of dog shit, you sum bitches! Ellis’ beard is getting really big, it’s grown up right before his eyes. Dingo doesn’t like it, he refuses to kiss a grape from Ellis’ face with that monstrosity. Get this shit. The Spanish town of Fort Kill Jews is set to vote on a name change, the proposed new name? Fort Hill of Jews. Not much of an improvement. Police say a man in Murfreesboro, TN tried to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. Wood on wood, that’s a recipe for fire. Tiger & Devin aren’t getting along lately and need some separation time. Ellis woke up with a pee boner. Someone’s watching porn and it’s not an adult. And that is a good segue into the unusual things callers have fucked. In no particular order:

youll-hump-this-and-like-it

You ready? We’re gonna fuck this Big Mac! No? What about this pickle? Why not? You can’t be so picky!

  • Prosthetic titties in a dressing room. He came on the titties. Think about that the next time you’re trying on jeans.
  • A pickle. Yes, the food item. He says it was like a little green pocket pussy. Nothing like a Kosher Dill to get you in the mood!
  • A Big Mac. A fucking McDonald’s Big Mac. He only did it once though, so it’s cool, right?
  • A friend’s mom’s underwear. It’s no Big Mac, but it has potential to be pretty gamy. I’m not terrified by this one.
  • A medical doll. Like the kind you practice medical shit on, putting catheters in, etc. And he finished in it. This guy was a security guard. In other words, a serial rapist / killer in training.

Dingo is totally cool with being nude or having sex in front of people he knows really well. Was this a hint at his willingness to participate in a potential ten-some, or maybe just sit in the dark corner, watching it all go down, and jerking off to it. Bellator 120 fights were this weekend. Does anyone give a shit? How is Bellator even still around? I don’t know, go Google that shit. Speaking of shit, next up is our man on the beat with his ear to the street reporting not live from Street League, Dingo! But first…

toothpaste-cpr

Are you raising little shits that think it’s funny to practice CPR on a tube of toothpaste? Great news! Now you can hire Wanda, the meanest bitch this side of hell. She’ll teach them through the ancient art of ridicule and physical punishment. They’ll get to watch nothing but Judge Judy and CSPAN. They’ll eat what they’re given or they’ll starve. By the time your little monkeys are back, they’ll be addressing you as “Lord” or “Lady” and helping to clean the house, even messes they didn’t create! Act now!

And we’re back! Remember when Christian came with the lyrical only version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Ellis put out the call for people to pump that shit in traffic with their windows rolled down and Instagram it? Well it’s going to happen again. But this time, try to really get people to notice and react – but do it nicely. It’s meant to brighten up someone’s day, not a chance for you to be a rude dick. You could win a Wolfknives package and/or a Red Dragons package. And now, over to the extreme sports desk with Dingo. Wait, scratch that – technical difficulties. Wait. No. Scratch that too. Technical difficulties have been fixed. Shit. Wait. No. The audio is not up to Ellis’ standards, it’s not Dingo’s fault, this isn’t his job and he’s not used to this recording stuff. Poor Dingo. He tried and got a lot of people there to give him a minute or two to talk to him for the show. But it just wasn’t cutting the mustard so it was breezed by quickly and cut short. Sorry Dings. Time to talk to callers. Or maybe not. Not unless there’s a guy who had sexual relations with a dead chick. Also, Catheter Ablation, look for the new hit single this summer! I’m just gonna end it here because my daughter has some important shit to tell me about Butterfinger cups. Everyone here at NYA is wishing Ellis the best of luck with his surgery tomorrow and for a speedy, but more importantly, successful and healthy recovery! We’ll have our #1 guy back as soon as possible I’m sure. All hail the king of the west!

dont-know-how-to-hotdog

Meet Dennis. He’s a dumb motherfucker that doesn’t know how to hotdog. He also probably works for the government. Don’t be a Dennis. Call NYA Tech University today to earn your hotdog degree today!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/14/2014

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yeah-hilarious

No. Yeah! That’s totally art. You did a… umm… good!

Hello my pretties! It’s big daddy bitPimps filling in for that one dude that plays with Triscuits all day long, CrackerStacker6. Time to get it up ya! Everyone got their art on last night (or maybe this morning if you’re name is Jetta), Ellis painted some shit with his dumb fingers, Tully glued some shit with his dumb fingers, Will smoked with his dumb fingers, Jetta stroked his ding-a-ling with his dumb fingers, & Cumtard fingered his dumb butt with his dumb fingers. This is all allegedly of course. Not everybody can produce art, just because you wiped a booger on a wall, doesn’t make you an artist, it makes you a disgusting child. Anyway, everyone did a self-portrait. Tully’s was a collage that featured his cannon dick. Cumtard did a sketch, but of course he’s color blind and used a red pen for part of it. Will drew triangles to represent hair on his chin, even though he has no hair on his chin or shin. Jetta made a little flip book style so the viewer of his masterpiece can change his shoes and such. Ellis painted a Jewish wolfman wearing a yarmulke with a head tattoo. I assume they will be showing these renditions to Justin Bua, an artist that will be on today’s show. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night, and now they want him to do Dr. Drew’s podcast too to fill in for Adam Carolla. All this after he just filled in for Psycho Mike on Loveline. Dude’s been gettin’ busy with Dr. Drew – if you catch my drift. Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike the wrong way, fucking rebel. There was talk about maybe doing a show at night and recording it and playing some time in the morning. This was all talk that including an actual “Ellis Channel” (The Baby?) where Tully could do a night show, Jude could do a show, etc. Sounds like contract negotiations are looking pretty good. You can take a picture with your Wolfknives membership and then tweet the show a song you want in rotation for a day! Everyone discussed possible names for the new channel, it was a real hoot.

uhh-yeah

Georges St. Pierre AND a Kickboxer remake you say?

The show is looking for a man or woman (let’s face it, it’s gonna be a man) that can build a ramp for Ken Block RC cars to jump 6′ at a low height. Or in other words, 2 bricks and a piece of plywood. Hey, you can see Ellis when he races this weekend on livetrackfeed.com. MMA News, Georges St. Pierre is said to be in a remake of the movie Kickboxer, but he’s not playing JCVD and also nobody cares. Brock Lesnar called Dana White to ask if he would call Pat Barry and tell him to retire. He may also have asked Dana if he could call Bisping to find out where to get a good steak, allegedly. Justin Bua came in bearing a gift, a painting – of something, I’m not sure what it was. Anyway, he’s doing some kind of show for the UFC, he’s been a longtime fan and used to call up Art Davie and pretend to be a reporter just so he could pick his brain. He says that MMA fighting is a lot like art for him, saying, “You and your canvas, one on one.” ~ Kid Rock. He gave a painting to Anderson Silva and it made him cry like a little bitch. So besides being an artist and bringing in a painting, he brought in a bottle of water called “raw water” and swears it tastes better than you know, plain old water water. It’s not his water, it’s just a water he really likes. Did I mention he also makes superfood drink mix stuff called Immortal Machine with some infomercial dude named David Wolfe? Well I just did. Did I mention he’s vegan? Did I also mention he raises his daughter as vegan? Well I just did that too. Go me! He also said Cumtard has a woman-like mouth in real life, as opposed to his self portrait.

is-anyone-looking

Is anyone still reading this? I don’t blame you.

Next up, “What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life?” segment. Callers inundated us with their stories of some of the stupidest things they’ve done. Several were good enough to win themselves some Red Dragons gear. If you get a chance, give it a listen – because I’m not recapping all that, especially about the guy that shot his girlfriend / wife. Total accident. I will tell you about one of them though. Tully was with Cullen, celebrating his birthday. Both got really drunk, Tully went to bed and Cullen ended up having to puke. The next morning, Cullen told Tully about him throwing up, said he went to the bathroom puked, but it was cool because he cleaned it all up. Turns out Cullen passed out on the bathroom floor, Tully’s mom woke up at 5 AM to get ready for work & found Cullen passed out on the floor. Tully’s dad had to carry him to the couch and Tully’s mom cleaned up Cullen’s puke. Tada! In fire news, it sounds like the Four Seasons is on fire in San Diego. I take it you can find some… hot room deals! Or maybe it’s just that someone got… fired! At least it didn’t… spark much debate! HEYOH! I’m sure this is all old news to Wilson and his police scanner.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/24/2014

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oderus-urungus

Oderus Urungus

Welcome to it. This crazy little thing called love. Wait. No. You know what I meant. Who cares, let’s get right into it – deep inside it – in the hole. First things first. Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus died Sunday evening, may the great mothership be covered in his blood and semen! We’ve posted two of his visits to TJES that you should definitely go listen to, he was always a fun guest to have on the show. Let’s lighten the mood a little bit, shall we? Sounds like there was a good turn-out at the Harley Davidson book signing over the weekend. It made Ellis feel way more famous than just some TV news guy, say like… Sam Rubin? Ellis ran into some people he doesn’t hang out with and hasn’t seen in a really long time, like some dude he used to skate with back in the day. Which I can’t remember his name, so you’re just gonna have to trust me, this dude was definitely a dude. Ellismania.com is still down, been down since Friday – apparently it was a victim of an unauthorized domain name transfer. Dingo gets scared when Tully’s all dressed up, or dressed down really. Jeff Emig said something positive about Ellis on Instagram and Ken Block said something negative about Ellis. Ellis went for his first ride on his new bike, he was trying to take it easy and did a little jump where he promptly sprained his ankle and the chain came off his bike. Tully had no such issues this weekend, he rode like like the wind and was doing whips & whoops & shit, you should’a seen him go! Tully had a Monster Energy drink that gave him no energy what-so-ever, matter of fact, it made him sleepy because he’s too much man for some pussy drink.

oderus-urungus

Dingo while reading No You Are?

Dave Boyce, “The Red Dragon Guy”, is in studio today. He’s the brother of Rob “Sluggo” Boyce sometimes and he makes shorts for small Canadian men. He and Moses Itkonen pretty much run that game, so bow down. Quick bit of MMA News time, everyone thought it was funny that anytime a Brazilian lost, the crowd was so silent you could hear a fly fart. Now, on to something else. Dingo says you can’t surf in Thailand, and he’s been there. Nobody believes him because he was there for only two things, to party, and to party harder. Dingo also claims to be domesticated and is generally a very clean person. Nobody believes him on that either. Another claim Dingo made was that he was pet sitting over the weekend for a girl who is a 10. Nobody believes him. Davidia Boyce is impressed with the show, so much so that he hasn’t said more than 10 words yet. He’s finding it difficult to get a word in with Dingo there. HEYOH! And now it’s break time, so he’s not gonna be saying jack shit for at least another 6-10 minutes.

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MMA News with Kenda Perez.

MMA News for real this time, with Kenda Perez on the phone while she’s wearing a Tupac shirt and flower leggings. Oh yeah, and she’s in Las Vegas doing some voice over work for the Best of WEC, the show that she hosts. And there you have it, MMA News. Just kidding. So everyone thought the fight between Fabio Maldonado and Gian Villante was pretty fucking good, especially since the first round looked like Maldonado was gonna get submitted the entire time. And then BOOM! The next two rounds he just kept picking off Villante to the point that nobody could believe he was still standing. Nobody really liked the Rony Jason vs Steven Siler fight because the Brazilian ref stopped the fight so early, but what can you do? He held his head like he was woozy as fuck and went down, tough call. Nobody really liked the Norman Parke vs Leonardo Santos fight either because it went to the judges and ended in a majority draw. Mairbek Taisumov vs Michel Prazeres was an odd fight since Taisumov was so busy checking the the quality of links in the fence that it earned him several warnings and two point deductions. Dan Henderson vs Shogun was pretty awesome though and it ended with Dan knocking out Shogun. Moto News time with expert moto analyst Dingo. Chad Reed is sitting in 10th place in the points standing. Does Kevin Windham have a bit of a lisp? Dingo don’t know, referee bitPimps docked him 1 point for not knowing. James Stewart came-from-behind to for the win and the butt sex. Justin Barcia ended up finishing second, just in front of Ryan Dungey. Villopoto is still in the points lead, but didn’t do so well, saying he was sick and didn’t know the track. Dingo didn’t know if Villopoto was suffering from food poisoning or what, for which referee bitPimps docked him another point. Some dude put up a picture of his 3-ballin’ sack (listen to Three Ballin’) and since Katie is there and likes big loads, naturally the question is does a third ball make you shoot bigger loads? Dingo doesn’t know, and again, referee bitPimps docked him another point. Lattes have arrived which means it’s time Will to shed some blood & cum tears and then time for a break. Dave has managed to squeeze in about 5 more words, bringing his count to 15.

get-back-to-work

Cumtard came in sick?

The first ever TJES Listener Talent Show Skype Thing will be this Friday at 2PM Pacific, if you’re not available on Friday at that time, you can send them a Skype video message, allegedly. It’s time for a spelling game between Ellis and Dingo, both of whom are legendary in the spelling bee game. Only they’re not spelling, they’re being given words and have to use them correctly in a sentence, which is still a game because both of them are well known for understanding and using words in a sentence correctly. I guess you could say they superfluous the game? We learned Cumtard has been taking Rogaine and squirting anti-biotics in his eye – while driving his hypotenuse. There was something about an old lady and a car wreck, but nobody could get past what he just brought into the room. He’s got strep throat but doesn’t think he’s contagious because his head and ball cysts nullify the strep. Nobody believes him, 4 potato deduction by referee bitPimps. As soon as throat AIDs boy was escorted from the studio, the game resumed as everyone tried to forget about the sickness floating around the room. Before the break, Dave managed to sneak in 2 more words during the game, which also put him in the lead of the game – but more importantly, it brought his word count up to 17.

Back from break and there’s more homeless people in New York than ever in the history of ever in New or Old York. So German customs officials intercepted a shitment of cocaine destined for the Vatican. Dingo explains how this shit is going down and telling us what is true or not. Nobody believes him. Referee bitPimps gives him a warning this time instead of automatically deducting a point. There’s a serial pee’er out there too, he’s been going around pissing on women, just so ya know. Clark Duke came on the show today, no relation to Frank Dux – duh, they don’t even have the same last name, man. What were you thinking? Oh, sure, blame the writer. It took him a few minutes to get the show, but once he did he played along pretty well. In short, he doesn’t have any type of social media profiles, he’s got a reoccurring character roll on Two and Half Men, and he was very timid when asked if he wanted to record his score on the punch pad. While I’m sure the show is not really his style, he did a good job and was an entertaining guest – according to the judges score card. He stuck around for the remainder of the show and took some calls from listeners, even the ones about loads and wads. Clark hit the punch pad and it’s commonly believed he got a 48. In other numbers news, Dave could not squeeze in anymore words, so he finished with a solid 17, however after the show, he hit the punch pad and registered a 74. ‘Atta boy Dave. And there you have it. That was today’s show, it was good. Jesus died for it, so it only makes sense to make it good, right? Jesus did not die for this recap, so I’m pretty much in the clear on that.

rim_shot

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/11/2013

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my_only_friend

Shout out to NYA’s only reader. Our only friend.

Hello Bungday, we meet again. Hello readers, we meet again. Hello walls, how’d things go for you today? The shit you hear inside your head maybe like what a snake hears via it’s belly. Who fucking knows, science? SOMEONE GET ON THAT, PRONTO! Dingo has a sweet gold chain on today, so says Ellis. Rawdog has a replica of a chain like Dingos, it’s plastic, painted gold, and from a fair or some shit – you know, baller status shit. The studio is moist today, so is Dingo, and people in the Philippines, so shout out to them – but fuck that typhoon Haiya, no shout out for that typhoon. Fall Out Boy shout out the Philippines, Tully even saw them tweet it, still, no shout out to Fall Out Boy either. Dingo went snowboarding on Saturday and got shit-whipped. Dingo also agree’s that Katie has a great ass, no homo. People see your face differently than you see your face, which is why everyone seems to ask you, “what’s up with your fucking face?” If you got a true mirror, where your image is reversed so you can see yourself like others see you, then you too can hold your vomit back. Just kidding. I’m sure you look splendid. Very pretty. Beautiful even.

pet_goats_pap_smears

More titles to read to your children at bedtime.

Ellis bought his kids the Shaun White skateboard ramps, because… Well, I don’t know why. Whatever. Anyway, he had parenting stuff this weekend, Tiger kicked some goals – not that kind – but literal goals in soccer, 6 to be exact. Some stinky kid was there. Nobody said shit to Stinky McGee, but everyone was waiting for him to burst into a shit-smelling cloud of nasty. Tiger scored on Smelly Turd-Turd which made daddy proud because red-headed Greasy Shitfartington was being a fuck knuckle. Tully met Thomas the Train. I remember when my kid was into that shit, it fuckin’ sucks and it’s even kinda creepy. Anyway, he got serious douche chills because of all the shame and passive-aggressive behavior that show teaches children, but now it was in real-life form, right in front of him. Rawdog did not meet Thomas, instead, he mentioned The Berenstain Bears and how he thinks it was a Christian based cartoon. And if anyone needs Jesus, it’s all y’all motherfuckers and Mr. Adultery himself, Rawdog.1 Actually, he’s not Mr. Adultery for the time being as he broke up with Karla over the weekend. You can tell he’s bummed, but it sounds like he also felt it was for the best, but of course still feels bad about it.

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Pretty much everyone’s face when they’re trying to hurry up and finish masturbating.

Tully finally came clean. No, he’s never fucked Wilson’s ex-wife. He did however tell us that the new Death! Death! Die! album is planned to come out of the proverbial closet2 on Tuesday November 26th and there will be an on-air release party. He also says that the website should be updated within the next day or two where the album will be on pre-sale for you to pre-order and pre-cum. Also, he’s never bought a chick a dildo, but has bought plenty of vibrators. For women. And nothing too crazy, like a vibrating fist or Thor hammer. Also, he’s the best total package his wife has ever met. He thinks. Actually he feels really confident about that, he might not be the best cocksmith, but it was enough to rock his wife’s world. But as everyone knows, the real test for any marriage is the Rawdog test. If Rawdog bangs your wife and she doesn’t go back to him, you won. But if her Rawdog appetite is insatiable, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. Oh, and chicks that are too hard to make cum, that’s on them, not you. I mean, as long as you’re trying and not a total dick, or treating them in a way they don’t want to be treated. Also, its okay if the chick tells you that she needs to finger herself or she’s not gonna be able to cum. Lots of chicks can’t cum with just a cock jammed in their wee-wat. If you’re not okay with it, maybe you need some therapy. Or maybe she hates you and your smelly balls. Who knows, but you better ask somebody.3

wait_what_is_that

Wait. What? Hendo got knocked out?

A new draft of the California bill to force porn stars to wear condoms is out, now they want porn stars to wear goggles. Which clearly is an attempt to force the porn industry to make more material for the goggle-fetish porn fans and screw over the jizz on my eyeball-fetish porn fans. Ken Block isn’t in porn, but he does have a new video out today, Gymkhana SIX, and it does not star Vin Diesel, or Rob Dyrdek. Ken called into the show and confirmed that indeed, his new video came out today, but he said nothing about not being in porn – so what I’m saying here is that he might actually be in porn.4 Vitor Belfort and Dan Henderson fought over the weekend and Vitor won by TKO in the first round, which might have included the very first time Hendo has been knocked out, even if just for a second. Jeremy Stephens won by knockout 40 seconds into the fight with a head kick. Want more MMA news? Head on over to your favorite MMA news website. What? No. I don’t have one to suggest to you, do your own damn clicking. Moving on, a Russian performance artist freaked out tourists when we nailed his nads to the street. He said it was a metaphor for Russian society, but nobody gets it. Red Bull is not in porn, but they too have a video out. Actually, they have a lot of videos, but this one is about a half-mile long supercross rhythm section.

wow

How’d you react to the show logos that you couldn’t see? Be honest.

Ellis needs a logo for the show, and not the one on the show’s signature cum rag. So they sent Wilson some logos and before he even showed anyone, he sent them shits back because they looked like hell. Before we could get into logos though, Wilson’s wearing a Sam Rubin style watch that was given to him by a phone company to switch his service. Now, back to logos that we can’t see. Wilson flipped through several options and gave minimal descriptions for the listener’s, such as “then there’s this one” which really gave everyone a good visual representation of the logos. Ellis had a meeting with his new manager today, sounds like he’s stoked and thinks it will be beneficial to errybody. NFL talk time, Rawdog won this weekends round of bets with Tully on who would win, someone was supposed to get shocked or something and Ellis read a portion from his book. Oh, and racism. I have no idea how all this ties into to one another, I didn’t catch all of that part so you’ll just have to suffer. Hey, remember that site Ashley Madison? Some Brazilian chick is suing them for 20 million because her wrists hurt from typing up so many fake profiles for the site. And before I forget, OH!5

Footnotes:
1 Just joking. That pretty much puts me in the clear, right?
2 I know, that makes little to no sense. Just roll with it.
3 Or don’t. See if I give a shit.
4 Eww.
5 What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Babies can get cancer.

yeah_i_said_it

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 8/1/2013

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No, no, no. I said channel 713 is available only on Sirius XM Online (US only so far) and the phone app! Your hat won’t pick it up. Geez!

Holy shit, it’s August already? That’s fucked up. Holy sheeit, a bird just flew three feet in front of me, dipped in the air and took a shit. I think it was trying to shit on me. Oh, and… HOLY SHIT BALLS! Ellis’ new 24-hour channel launched today! Channel 713 on Sirius XM Online and phone app only. Check it out, the future has arrived. Anyway, welcome to the re-cap, we have too much re-cap for you today! Ellis was thinking about being really tough so he can open mayonnaise jars and shit. But you don’t have to be that tough, you could be soft and still be tough, it just comes from the back door from behind from another angle, lets say. Ellis wants to be out in the sun, he’s feeling pasty. Tully’s going to a resort this weekend to be in the sun, but he’s going with a baby. Rawdog? He’ll probably not be in the sun, he’ll be in the warm glow of his laptop. Someone keeps leaving big long black hairs all over the boards in the studio, and there’s only one person they could belong to and Rawdog knows who that is, he saw the culprit. Who is this mystery man you ask? Let’s just say he’s the producer of a show, but you’d never know he was because he’s not allowed to be heard or even seen.

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Photo courtesy of Erika Ashley Photography ™ @Erika_Ash

Betsy came into the studio pretty much right away. She came all the way from Chicago and schooled Rawdog on where he should’ve went for pizza because apparently he went to a real shithole of a pizza place. Who is this Betsy woman you ask? She’s the girl that bid a fuckload of money for charity and a chance to sit in on the show, meet the guys, etc. Her bid was only $1000 less than the most ever bid, all-time, in Sirius XM history. Everyone is pretty tired of Tito Ortiz and his antics. So why are we talking about him? Because he’ll be fighting Rampage in Bellator on November 2nd. Remember the Red Bull heir that got arrested for a hit-and-run and killing a dude? The case still hasn’t been heard yet, but the Red Bull heir’s family has so far paid the family of the man he killed $97,000 big ones. Back to Betsy. Whose the first “special” guest they brought in for her to meet? Cumtard! Betsy get’s to pick from 1 of 3 envelopes, all of which are things she gets to do to torture Cumtard, congratulations Betsy! First up? Ball sack tractor pull, where Cumtard’s kidney stone laden cock & balls gets tied to a remote control car and Betsy controls the car in an effort to rip Cumtard’s balls off. Betsy, who said she didn’t want to even do this, floored the car, ramped it out of the studio, and mutilated Cumtard’s package.

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You know another stabby culture? Squirrels. Squirrels are famous for using swords.

America is a crashy culture, we like to crash into people and things with our vehicles. Thailand is a stabby culture, they like to stab people and things with their various stabbing devices. After a disappointing video of a bear vs man fight, we heard audio from a video of Urijah Faber telling his story about having to whip some Bali ass. This led us into the time Ellis got into a bar fight, stabbed in the chest with a key & head butted from an English guy, and had several people kicking him in the head while he was on the ground. Betsy is a big street fighter and boosts cars, I think I read somewhere that she shot Tupac and Biggie before they shot each other. Tully’s parents went on the TMZ bus while they were there visiting, no word on if they got to see any celebrities or if they’d even know if they did since you’re not likely see Fatty Arbuckle era celebrities. OH! Get it? Tully’s always talking about how old his parents are? They probably wouldn’t recognize the young celebrities of today? Okay then.

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Interns, taking it to the top!

Next up, we have MMA news with intern Team Punishment. November 2nd Team Punishment is back as Tito Ortiz will be fighting Rampage. Sound familiar? Yes. That’s because it was already covered in the beginning of the show and he didn’t know. Interns, am I right? So as not to disappoint, he also wrote a few rap lyrics about the show and spit that shit on the mic. His illustrious rap career spans longer than he has been shaving his uni-brow, he says he actually recorded a rap album with one of his buddies in the past. Motherfucker is so gangster, nah I’m sayin? His rap may not make that pussy pop, but it might make that pudding pop! UHHH! X-Games talk time with best whip. This is the first time a female is participating in best whip at the X-Games, which means someone’s probably gonna die and that would make it the highest rated part of X-Games in history. This brought in the next “special” guest, Blasko, who as well as Ellis, is wearing his Wolfknives shirt – they’re super special buddies. Blasko told us of the time he was in the band Cryptic Slaughter, the famous bus crash that killed Cliff Burton brought a chance for a 16-year-old Blasko to potentially be the bassist for Metallica. Blasko had recently cut his hair, which caused him to be immediately turned away and then you Jason Newsted showed up. Oh man, the pain. You know that one stung. He also told the story of the time he and a pal were 18 and went to spend their hard earned money on some handguns. They get there and find out, nope, no handguns for them since they’re not 21. So they did the next best thing, went and got tattoos. Betsy is sleeved up and looking like she’s part of the Yakuza. Actually, I lied. She doesn’t have any tattoos but part of her winning the auction was to have her name tattooed on Ellis’ ass, but she seems to feel bad for Cumtard’s balls and is letting Ellis off the hook. Actually, she seems like a pretty cool chick overall, so she’s probably just being nice and is happy to be there. Good on ya’ Betsy!

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Yup. Rule 34.

Apparently there is some gay MMA porn out there where dudes are making out with other dudes’ knee. I don’t know how that gets anyone off, but I’m just glad to see the sport evolving? I guess? To be honest, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone. Rule 34 states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. A man in Phoenix was dropping his kids off at home and left his car running. A woman jumped in to try and steal his car but was stumped on how to put the car in gear. It was an automatic transmission. Women, am I right? And since Blasko is there, and “Get the cock off your chest” is a segment always done when Blasko visits, this led to Rawdog Matt having to get a cock off his chest. When Joanna Angel was coming to the show, Josh was trying to move her car for her, but he couldn’t find the emergency brake. A cop stopped and told him he couldn’t keep the car parked in the middle of the street, he told the cop he couldn’t find the parking and asked for help. The officer quickly found it and Josh was on his way. How he kept that a secret for so long is a mystery. Matt called in to say a bunch of high school friends had a party and didn’t invite him so he called the cops on them. Turns out nobody got busted because the cops used the same breathalyzer straw and couldn’t write out any under the influence tickets. Robert Matt called in to say while his buddy was out of town working, his buddies girlfriend needs help with a clogged sink. Of course his boner led him there, they get drunk and fuck and he stays the night. The boyfriend shows up in the night, he runs out the back door and ran home like nothing had happened. Later that day, his buddy calls him up and wants to go to have a few beers and vent about how he caught his girlfriend cheating. He spent 3 hours listening to his friend talk about some guy (him) fucking his girlfriend and he did his best to console him without admitting to being the guy who fucked his girlfriend.

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Even Cherubs aren’t immune to rule 34 and so have a cock to get off their chests.

Kevin Matt called in to say him and his buddy had went out to get some drinks, his buddy picked up a chick at the bar but he cockblocked his own buddy and banged the girl from the bar Matt called in to say he went to a chicks house, had tummy aches and rushed to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it and shit all over the lid. He had to clean it all up and 15 years later, they’re married. Mary called in to say that after a night of drinking, her and her friends were ready to go to bed, her friends started going at it in the bunk bed below her so she starts diddling herself while they’re banging. She didn’t finish and the couple kept going while she went to sleep. Matt called in to say he was smoking some weed with a buddy while they were young teens, his buddy asked if he could suck his dick. The whole time his buddy was blowing him, he was watching porn but didn’t finish in his mouth. He went to the bathroom and finished himself off and to this day, he feel weird about it. Huh. You don’t say? Feeling like you’re coming down with the queeries? OH! Derek Matt called in to say that after the war in Iraq, he’s married and he went to Australia and he and his buddies slept with a bunch of hookers. Danny Matt called in to say that back in college he played baseball with some douche who had a thing for his girlfriend. He ran into the douche’s girlfriend and his sister at a party and talked them into having a threesome and has never said anything about it. I might have missed the last one or two while I was packing up and leaving work, but it’s all good. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow morning on the “In Case You Missed It” or at some point maybe on 713 The Jason Ellis Channel!

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Let’s hope Betsy didn’t just bring Reese’s.

Next “special” guests to come in was Ken Block and Kit Cope. Talk started off with rally-x, gymkhana, and all that good stuff. We heard about some German driver that hit Ken’s car like 4 times in a single race and got a stern talking to. Then we heard about the last time Ellis was trying to qualify in X-Games along with Ken Block and Kit was the manager of EllisMate skateboards. We heard about the first time Ellis sparred with Kit Cope and how everyone told Ellis it was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen because Kit thinks it’s funny to knock people out. Evidence is starting to build up that Kit is teaching his friends’ kids to say the word “fuck” and then he turns around and tattles on the kids for saying it. Ken and Kit both hit the punch pad, Ellis still remains on top of the heap. We got clarification from Kit that Thailand residents aren’t stabbing anyone, it’s the Cambodians that come to Thailand that are stabbing people. Betsy also came bearing gifts for the guys, like chocolates and shit from Chi-town. And this lead us into final calls, which weren’t all that bad since a lot of the callers were calling to ask Ken questions. And with that, I leave you with this: A man saunters up to the bar and orders 3 shots. As the bartender is pouring them he asks, “What’s the occasion?” The man replies, “My first blowjob.” The bartender, grinning, says, “Well shit, have a 4th one on me!” The man looks up to the bartender and says, “No thanks, if 3 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” OH!

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Good night and god bless!