Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/4/2013

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my_first_little_boob_job

Show keeps cutting out? Read a book!

It’s Monday and I think the last recap I did was on October 14th, go me! I’d like to thank myself on such an accomplishment. Actually, it’s not all my doing, but still, I’ll take credit for it. So there should be 5 straight days of radio this week, since it’s Monday and all. And Ellis is thinking about changing his kid’s middle name to “Total” so he’d be Tiger “Total” Ellis, totally. So I assume everyone was like me, the show kept cutting out for the first 10 fucking minutes, so I heard something about Rawdog & his dad riding bikes and then Don Henley’s daughter attacking Dingo. I don’t know how those 2 tied into each other, but let’s just pretend that Rawdog & his dad were riding bikes with Don Henley and his daughter when Dingo started shooting at them with a hunting rifle1. Fish are plentiful in Panama, but you can’t talk to them, but if you had an underwater microphone, maybe you could interview a fish here and there. I mean, fuck science, right? Speaking of fish, my daughter’s pet fish died recently, on Friday if memory serves. I think he tried to tell me he was going to commit fishicide, but I couldn’t hear him because I didn’t plug my earbuds into his asshole. Vegetarian talk time, and since I’m not full of stupid, I eat meat and therefore will refrain from talking about any of that bullshit malarkey. What it boils down to is, cows are stupid, fish are stupid, and therefore humans eat them. Maybe we should eat stupid humans. Wait. No. What if you caught the stupid from eating stupid people? I’d want some research done on that before committing to eating a stupid person. Science, get on that please. It’s not like it’d take away from how close you are to a cure for cancer. *cough*

lesbian_horse_stories

More reading material for you and your children.

Ellis is coming off drugs. He got sick in Panama, drank, got some antibiotics and codeine, and didn’t even think about how codeine is a pain reliever and causes constipation. So he wasn’t eating or pooping over this past weekend, then he realized, oh shit! I can’t shit! Why can’t I shit? Oh, it’s because of this anti-shitting sizzurp! So now he’s on his way to feeling all better, eating, pooping, and radio’ing. Dropping your kids off at daycare, babysitter, or school can suck and be a little emotional, but them little shits need to get used to it (as do you) because they have to be normal little fuckups in the world. Nobody can care for your child like you do, unless you’re one of those dirty-ass shitballs whose kids constantly have lice and shit because you’re a gross-ass, shit slob of a parent2. Then pretty much everyone can care for your child way better than you and you should be eaten by smarter people. But hey, enjoy your life now because come Tuesday, you might be busy or something. And that’s exactly why Rawdog has fed pigeons before, you can’t hold the fuckin’ thrill seeker back from anything! You know how Dingo is a surprise expert in some the oddest shit you’d never guess3? Well, even though he admits he doesn’t get on the internet very much, he also appears to be a video game expert – especially, and oddly enough, with the massive multiplayer online genre of games. Ah Dingo. Full of surprises, he is.

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A 26 foot turd will have a formidable scent.

So some chick purposely made herself super constipated and then took what is believed to be the world’s longest shit, coming in at a whopping 26 feet! This of course was the perfect segue into the Bellator fights that nobody watched, apparently King Mo took a shit and was beaten and that sums up Bellator, a complete turd with a few nuts mixed in. Ellis watched some boxing over his weekend of constipation, some dude fought another dude and one of them eventually won! Exciting times in the world of boxing, even less people watched that than the Bellator fights. This brought us to NBA talk about craptastic looking shoes and has-been stars of yesteryear, completing the trifecta of shitty sports that have less viewers than a re-run episode of Hardcastle and McCormick4. Rawdog hacked into the world’s mainframe network to watch some football over the weekend, the Steelers versus the Patriots game to be exact. And it should come as no surprise that he liked the commercials the best and understands commercials, but not football. He knew when a touchdown happened, he saw a long pass or two, he saw “a guy with some long, curly hair” (Troy Polamalu) but was still more impressed with the commercials. Rawdog didn’t know, but Gary Kubiak, coach of the Texans collapsed on the sideline. Turns out he was okay, just a bit sleepy and thirsty. Oh, and don’t forget to watch out for your dogs and their Chinese jerky treats. But you won’t. Because if you haven’t bathed your child since the nurse cleaned it off directly after birth, let’s face it, you’re not doing a god damned thing for your mutt of a dog.

job_well_done

Rawdog after a hard days worth of “Doing Stuff With Rawdog”

Usain Bolt, boy, that guy sure can run – am I right? He ate some chicken nuggets, a lot of chicken nuggets because he hates Chinese food as well as Chinese people. Rawdog pretended to not know anything about this story, but nobody is believing that shit because the technology exists to send alerts to Rawdogs, phone, laptop, toaster, Prius, etc. anytime chicken nuggets are mentioned anywhere in the world. Would guests to The Jason Ellis Show like warm, moist towels – or would they just prefer Dingo’s warm, sweaty hands? This brought us into “Doing Stuff With Rawdog” where the all-knowing Rawdog provides answers to life’s toughest questions. I was stuck in traffic for most of this segment so I didn’t have a chance to field all the questions and answers, but rest assured, you’re probably better off anyway5. Steve Wilkos, President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee From Kansas City. Steve Wilkos, Former Nobody With His Own Shitty Show For Nobodies. Steve Wilkos, Jesus H. Christ who cares about this dumbshit ass-wipe? See, world? This is why people hate the world, shit shows like this and the shit audience that watches the shit shows6. So what’s the craaaaziest TV moment he’s seen? Two guys taking their shirts off and one of the guys had a single female breast. Has this motherfucker never been on the Internet? Fuck that guy, watch these homeless people instead because it features a dude with no arms & no legs, necking this shit outta some other homeless person. A chick wearing Google Glass, uhh, glasses while driving got a ticket for them shits. Heads up display (HUD) is the shit and I think even safer than checking your dashboard, but you don’t need fucking texts and tweets in front of your face while you drive, ass-fuck7. By now, you may be asking yourself, “sheesh, is bitPimps in a bad mood today or something?” No, not really. But I’ve had a fucking headache since I woke up this morning and that shit isn’t going away8. So let me try to lighten the mood a little bit with a joke or two. Why was the little boy sad? His pet fish died. No? Not doing it for you? How about this one. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” He then realizes he is hallucinating the entire situation and is still in solitary confinement, as he has been for 17 years. He cries himself to sleep. OH!

1 That was just pure pretend. I’m sure Dingo would be in jail if it were true.
2 You may or may not be a shit-stupid, sleezeball, motherfucker of a parent, I don’t know.
3 Dingo may or may not be an expert in whatever oddball shit he talks a good game about.
4 There are way more shitty sports than those, but whatever, it’s cool.
5 Mileage may vary, depending on if you qualify to be on the menu for other humans to eat.
6 Aren’t we done with these type of shows yet? Come on, seriously. Please. Stop.
7 Maybe you’re an ass-fuck, maybe you’re not an ass-fuck. But still.
8 I think it’s a sinus headache mixed with stress. Or maybe my period. Who fuckin’ knows.
9 Your mom.
10 She seems like a nice lady.

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

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It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

Visit patriotguard.org

 

Re-cap for Thursday, 10/17/2013

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show, where he is confused, but who cares about this shit? Let’s got on with the show because Rob Corddry is in the studio (or his home) and he has his shit together. If you didn’t listen (which, chances are- since you are reading this re-cap) you may not have realized that the show didn’t actually start on time. Or for…you know…like 2 hours. It’s okay though, cause this time it wasn’t because he got into a fender non-bender due to weird LA traffic, it was because he was stuck at the dentist getting a root canal. Why is this better? Because he got the gas…and anyone who has had the gas knows that getting holes drilled into your face is welllllllllll worth it. Ellis has no problem asking the dentist for gas despite the fact that he looks like a really jacked junkie, but Rob Corddry confesses that he doesn’t like asking for the gas because it makes him feel like people look at him like he’s seeking out drugs. Tully however wants to be a drugstore cowboy who looks like Rob Corddry because Corddry looks like the kind of guy who manages to be on so many drugs he looks like he isn’t actually on drugs and isn’t looking for any. Except maybe antibiotics.

Ellis chose to get the root canal done today because next week he is going to Panama, where he will spend at least one night glamping, and the dentist told him it would only take an hour. Well, a little more than 2 hours later Ellis managed to get to the elevator right as Rob Corddry did…so for all intents and purposes…he was on time. He’s the star of the show, the show isn’t the show without them, whatever time he chooses to get there is on time. Duh. While he was at the dentist getting his face drilled into and was sucking back whatever gas the dentist would let him have, he took a trip to a world where his Indian dentist transformed into Biggie Smalls and the mexican nurse turned Asian and started singing “My Blood” to him through her mask. “My Blood” if you aren’t hip and in the know, is the title of Jason’s solo song off of Death! Death! Die!’s (fuck you if you try and correct my punctuation on that one cause I would love for you to do better) upcoming album, which features a solo song from each member of the band that we all know and love and had the number one selling album (in Canada) on iTunes. Red Dragons. Ellis explains that originally he didn’t want to do a solo song, because he doesn’t think he’s that good with music…or lyrics, but he did one anyway since he loves the band and everyone else was doing it.

Rob Corddry did a bunch of movies and television shows for the year of 2013. Have you seen or heard of any of them? I haven’t because I don’t really watch television or go to movies that don’t have Bruce Willis or Harry Potter in them. One movie was Warm Bodies, where he played a zombie that started thinking. Which is one hell of a role, all things considered, since most zombies don’t have functioning frontal lobes. Another movie he was in was called Pain & Gain with a little actor you may have heard of: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. And even I know who that is, thanks to the Fast & Furious franchise (before there were too many movies for me to care anymore). How is working with The Rock? Awesome, since the apparent reason for The Rock’s excessive amounts of shiny muscley-ness is to protect his big, squishy, heart of gold. The Rock is a great guy who is liked by all and always seemed to be in a good mood, and probably doesn’t drink any of the tequila that he tweets with steak. Corddry has never seen The Rock’s penis, but has a good idea of what it’s like- utter perfection. Large, in charge, and no Rawdog, it doesn’t have its very own set of pecs, but it’s glorious nonetheless. Prolly just as shiny as the rest of him parting clouds in the sky for rays of sunshine to bounce off of while an unseen chorus holds a splendid chord of praise. Yeah, I can see that.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dicks in Hollywood that aren’t attached to built former pro-wrestlers turned movie stars. Who in particular? No one is naming names- but the breakdown is as follows: Actors are narcissistic dicks, Directors are controlling dicks, and the studio guys are the dicks who give all the other dicks back door blowjobs. In Hollywood you can only be a dick once because if you’re a dick to two people and they know each other, say goodbye to your career. Kathryn Heigl, for instance, is not a dick. Wait for it…I’m getting there. Kathryn Heigl has been all over the place lately with her winning too white for real life smile being all sorts of sweet because she thought she had more than one get out of dick-jail free card to the point where she surpassed being a dick and is just a big ol’ cunt that no one wants to work with. When you’re working in a place where it’s a safe bet 90 percent of the other people think their shit is just as odorless as yours, you probably shouldn’t go around acting like you aren’t base enough of a human being to shit in the first place. Because then, you’re just a cunt, and no one wants to make movies with you.

Pornstars also have cunts. They, however, usually have the good kind of cunt. The sexy kind that it’s alright to talk about. Have you noticed that the pornstars on Instagram have been posting lots of pics from the doctor with “Still open for business!” on the caption? I haven’t either, but, it’s a thing now. All the pornstars wanna let you know that it’s all good in the hood. Rat (I’m all kinds of snarky today). Tully and Rawdog inform Ellis and Corddry that this may be due to the fact that recently it was all over the news that there were a couple of pornstars who turned up HIV+, which is really shitty because porn is a business that hurts no one. I’m not trying to be sarcastic, porn is a great industry that aims to make people happy. Following this mini-outbreak the porn industry in California had to take an AIDs break, which was a great joke, but it also actually happened. The government shut down all filming (which is probably where the government got the idea of a shutdown of their own in the first place) until everyone could get tested and made sure every porn star knew that it was illegal for them to be fired for requesting males to use a condom during performance. Really.

Only half of Ellis’s face is working, but it’s still smarter than Rawdog’s whole face. What a surprise! Said no one. Ever. How high is Ellis exactly? Not high enough to not need a painkiller from Katie. Ellis informs us that there are two sorts of painkillers out there in the world- regular pain killers and the ‘get your bones ground down’ painkillers. If you get your bones ground down you get Percocet. However, if you go down the Mega Ramp in a basketball jersey and melt the skin off of your back and have good friends, you get Oxycontin and tell stories to people on balconies for 12 wonderful time-released hours. Corddry has also taken Oxycontin (albeit for non pain related activities…and only once) and says that it is wonderful. It’s too bad that Hillbillies ruined it by crushing it and snorting it. Ugh. Fucking Hillbillies. Tully says it wasn’t just the Hillbillies and he has multiple Hollywood figures and athletes to back that statement up, because smoking it is a thing now. But…Corddry is right, Oxycontin would be wonderful if it was prescribed and imbibed the way it was meant to be. But we’re humans and we don’t really know how to be smart like that. Drugs are bad.

You know what’s better than drugs for pain? More pain! Seriously. Josh questions this, thinking pain + pain = lots of pain, but Ellis insists that there comes a point where the pain just kind of cancels itself out. Even planning some major rager of a balls to the wall about to be knocked by a wrecking ball pain fest helps to start numbing out the pain. For example- Jason’s tooth hurts. He bets that if he starts calling Tokyo and Josh’s mom and says that he is just going to bring on the pain rain in their lives he would start to feel better. Josh thinks that will only work insofar as until Tokyo and his mom figures out who’s calling…and that the person has an achilles heel in their mouth. Josh is 100 percent convinced they will then attack his tooth. Damn. Maybe Josh should get his face drilled for a bit and make a comeback.

Rob Corddry should have a show on Ellis’s fabled upcoming channel. But, for real though. Ellis basically offered Rob the job on air who immediately and whole heartedly accepted (right before getting cold feet) because he has nothing going on. Which I don’t think is all that true considering he has an ongoing television show on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim- Children’s Hospital, and also has a new movie coming out, Hot Tub Time Machine 2. But Ellis didn’t find out about the new Hot Tub movie from Rob, he found out from co-star Clark Duke who he chatted with in the KTLA green room right before going out and KILLING IT. Why chat it up with the Duke? Because the other guy in the green room was that guy in The Patriot who betrayed his not really his yet almost a country and killed women and children by locking them in a church before setting it on fire because Jason Isaacs told him to. Dick.

Is Luke Skywalker the last Jedi? Or did he start on an all new race of Jedi after the credits? I’m sure he spawned some Jedi, and so did Leia and Han, because let’s not forget that Leia and Luke are twins so she probably could have kicked Darth’s ass just as hard. Except she would probably still have both of her real hands. Tully says that the only reason Luke was any sort of a bad ass Jedi was because his father was Darth fucking Vader, and who wouldn’t be a killer Jedi with that kind of backing. Ellis doesn’t think Luke was all that awesome because he lost a hand in the deal and was kind of a whiny little bitch throughout most of the series…but then again, so was Hayden Christiansan who played little Darth Vag, so maybe it’s just a familial phase. No way could Luke take Darth Maul and his double-ender. Another fight we all missed out on in the series- Darth Maul versus Master Yoda. Who would win? Will we ever know? Yoda was a pretty punchy, tumbly, acrobatic bastard…so it seems like it would be a ridiculous fight between his CGI’d little body and the crazy acrobatic Darth Maul. Set it up, Dana White. Josh’s most wanted fictional fight is a throwdown between Harry Potter and Frodo. Wizard against Hobbit. Who wins? With their magical powers Josh says that Frodo would win. Ellis says that it has to be without magic, good old fashioned brawl. Josh then says Potter would probably lay on the hurt because he’s bigger. Who would really win? The fans.

Time for a break. Or not, cause Jason is high. But don’t get cranky and pick on him, who else gets a root canal and then goes to their job? On top of that…who gets a root canal and then goes to their job where the number one requirement is fucking talking?!?!?!

Back from the break? So’s the government!!! Haha. It is though, not that anybody really missed it. Oh….maybe all those temporarily unemployed people did. Sorry. No one else did. The stenographer for the House of Representatives probably could have used the furlough since the stress of typing built upon her so that she started ranting in the middle of the House’s vote. It involved freemasons and the Illuminati or something. She got dragged out, still ranting, by security. Who probably were working for the freemasons.

It’s time to find out who is the next 5 Finger Death Punch!!!!!!!! Are you excited? Or are you as angry as Ellis that such a downright shit-level Nickelback 3 band is raking in the dough by sucking balls? He made a mental note to share with us that he heard 5 Finger Death Punch on Octane (or somewhere) and was so enraged by how fucking terrible they were he had to mention their ass sucking on the radio. Check mark next to that box. The good news though, for all of you sucky bands out there? There will always be whores who like you because you’re in a band and they will give you a blowjob when you’re in town. Really can’t ask for much more outta life than that.

This actually was an introduction to the long-awaited segment Unsigned Bands versus Unsigned Farts. After hundreds upon hundreds of submissions, of which at least 20 were from bands, Tully presented us with the best of the best and pitted them against one another. In all we heard 12 bands and farts (if I’m reading my handwriting correctly) and I’m pretty sure the farts won. The best fart? That was from Bobby…a fart that came in hot and scared Katie winning its way into our hearts. Or something. The bands were…kind of like the best of the worst of New Music Tuesday. Most caused a collective “LOL!!!!!!!” after a few bars were played. The Dirty Bourbon River Show was a band and they annoyed me by having that super long name and then an even longer name on their single and sounded like the music you wake up in the gutter to the afternoon after a Mardis Gras celebration covered in white substance that you only hope is leftover from the donuts at Cafe du Monde. Extermination Protocol was well received by all of the guys, despite their horrible name, and then EP made the mistake of tweeting that they were a one man band. Which is impossible. So, go back to the losers circle. Cage9 is a band from South America that wasn’t all that bad either and could probably be successful here in North America if the singer shaved his head. Actually, Cage9 can only have the USA, Canada is DDD! territory.

Before commencing the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge with Tully and Katie we hear the newest gem from the Jingleberries. It’s a remix of Katie’s sex-tastic workout breathing to the beat of Push It by Salt-N-Peppa. I would listen to that song on repeat. I may have my first girl-crush ever on Katie. Ellis informs Rob (and reminds the rest of us) that the reason Tully is doing the challenge is to help motivate the fans. Which is the reason Josh previously did a challenge and Ellis is constantly doing insane shit. Every fan has their favorite, Josh himself has tens of fans that were motivated by him to get in shape. But really, the guys want their fans to live long and keep listening. Get in on it and check out the Onnit challenge for yourself.

Things we learned today:

Ellis’s brother had a baby boy today- Welcome to the World Bailey Ellis!!!

At the dentist, all Rod Corddry hears is “Spit now, please”

Dentists are really drug dealers for reluctant pussy junkies

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so successful because they probably don’t drink

Rob Corddry was on the Daily Show

Rawdog is getting man-boobs, and if he worked at it he could have pecks…so we know soon he’ll probably just have man-boobs

“I can’t feel this side of my nose so when I pick it, it’s like rape” – Jason Ellis

Old Testament God was full of wrath, New Testament God sacrificed Jesus for our sins because He loves us sososososososososo much

Some of the farts were probably simulated

Michael was farting during the Andy Sandberg show

Men probably shake hands as an evolved show of dominance

To be King of the World you need to pay for Hollywood Wives and have sex with whores at the gym

Men on the Ultimate Fighter should really stop crying cause it’s hard to punch through all the tears

Katie’s boobs are getting bigger (your welcome Jason) and she isn’t pregnant

Katie’s dicks keep getting tangled

Children’s Hospital airs Thursday nights at Midnight on Adult Swim and next week is part I of the season finale with fucking explosions and fucking fucking

Ellis throws a great jerkoff party

Flowers are fun cause God should be

Visit patriotguard.org

Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/14/2013

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It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?

Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.

Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.

So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.

What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.

Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.

The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.

Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.

The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.

During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf

TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:

  • First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.
  • Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.
  • Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.
  • Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.
  • The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.
  • Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.
  • Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.
  • The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.
  • Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.
  • Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.
  • Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.
  • Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.
  • @cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.
  • Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)
  • Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.
  • Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.
  • Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.
  • Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.
  • Katie made out with some chicks.
  • Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)
  • Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.
  • People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.
  • I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.
  • But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.
  • I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.
  • How do I make bullet points end? Oh yeah. I remember now.

Show Re-Cap for Friday 10/11/2013

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Live From Las Vegas

If there was ever a Friday to not give a fuck, this my friends is the mother load.  Not only is it Ellis Mania 9 weekend, obvi, but its also Ellismate’s birthday today.  Live at the Hard Rock hotel in the lovely Las Vegas today’s show was fucking sick.  Instead of running the credits after the movie, here are the notable names you would have seen if you weren’t at home jerking like me and many others.  Of course you have the usuals like The Wing, RawDog, Tully, Wilson, and the frequent fliers like Dingo, Cumtard, Katie.  You have Joe Mills, Kit Cope, Kenji, and Ellis Mania legend Crazy Jerr!!!  Shit man Sluggo, TJ Lavin, Butterballs and Ms. Butterballs in her I love Butterballs shirt….the fucking list goes on.  Of them all, none dressed better than Jizz Cult who was none other than Butt Judge for this year’s show, a role he was born to molest play.  Ellis is gonna be looking sharp himself at EM9, rocking a sweet pair of Manny Pacquiao orange boxing shoes, and yes Big Daddy Jas Cakes wears orange shoes, HAHAHAA!!!  Also to add to the fight night wardrobe, a freshly shaved chest, man shit!  It’s helped Ellis achieve “winning weight” and Minnesota is the “Tijuana of Canada”.  Remember I told you about Will Butt Judge Pendarvis III like 2 sentences ago, he’s already taking some prey, all conveniently named Tara believe it or not.  His first and quite fitting, Most Stalkable Ass.  Then shit got creepy as he tagged a pregnant lady Just Like Mom Use To Make.  Then shit got more creepier as some dude got Butt Judged, Hairiest Ass!  Then shit got fucking hot, as Katie gave Will, the fans, the world a thesis worthy display of what an ass looks like!

 

Last years Little Miss Jason Ellis

Last years Little Miss Jason Ellis

Man Bags love ’em, and so does about 9 billion dollars apparently.  Dingo makes man bags, well fanny packs really, but with speakers so their kinda gangster, fuck man I’m so confused right now.  Then Kit Cope and Ellis got on some tirade about how when they punch each other in the face, its more sensual and meaningful than when Ellis shoved his tongue down RawDogs throat, which I just find hard to believe but you just read it on the internet, so its probably true.  Enough of that shit though, lets get down to business and decide this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis.  We have three contestants this year, Amanda, Deidre, and the defending Little Miss Ellis, Jason.  For the first leg of this event, each participant must answer a few questions, such as if Amanda were President and involved in RawDog’s orgy this weekend, what would she do?  Film that shit, and give the proceeds to charity!  She also thinks is not gay to DP and that Deidre has a shitty jacket.  Deidre thinks the show needs more female guests.  Jason was asked who he would murder, just in random conversation and he said Wilson of course, especially since he has a Butt Judge sticker on his ass from Will and he wasn’t sure why.  Enough of that shit though – straight to the Limbo!!!  Yeah, I can’t really type much about Limbo but from the sounds of it the crowd really were the winners here, well depending on your view.  Other than that all you need to know is TJ Lavin has a license to drop C-Bombs, there are currently like 18 dudes willing to take part in Josh’s orgy tonight, and Ellis maybe working on a 12 woman dutch rudder, all this alleged of course!

BOING!!!!!!!

BOING!!!!!!!

 

Kenda Perez is fucking hot!  I probably should just end it there since that’s all you need to give a fuck about if anything at all.  Well that and there isn’t much I can really tell you other than Ellis has a stripper pole in his room and really was putting game to Kendra, but not quite enough to get her to limbo, FUCK!  I guess this is as good a time as any to shout out to lets see, Kenji aka MMA Elvis, oh and of course Betsy who’s posting a very generous prize to a couple of fights for the winners choice of charity.  Did I tell you Ellis has a stripper pole in his room at the Hard Rock?  Hey ladies, its the Ladies Naked On It Challenge and for this, when the ladies get to the push ups, SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Truthfully we’ll see how good the audio from this is but I’m spanking on it not being worthy of Shannon Shenanigans Guns Guns.  Oh yeah, Ellis has a stripper pole in his fucking room no joke!

 

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I thought they were gonna be naked

If your reading this, Death! Death! Die! has probably left the building, but I bet they fucking rocked it bro.  Remember the dude who rocked the Friday show at Ellis mania 8 when he puked on the crew, you know the dude in the Super Man undies, that dude was there again sans the big boy draws.  OK OK I’ll stop stalling, back to The Little Miss Jason Ellis contest and stage 3 which is none other than Celebrity Impressions.  Amanda did a slightly spot on Bill Cosby and former Little Miss Ellis did a pretty hilarious real Jason Ellis, but not the real one kinda the fake one that Rawdog does, he did that!  They both lost though to Deidre’s memorable Al Pacino though.  This basically tied it all up so we went to a sudden death that’s not a sudden death Banana Eating Contest and to quote the immortal David Lee Roth, a little more to the left!!!  Time for Ellismate to go live in the crowd for a unprecedented Dude Am I A Slut for the ladies, and Get The Cock Off Your Chest for the fellas.  Unfortunate, well maybe fortunate, yeah its fortunate that it instead turned into Who Wants To Make Out With Ellis for ladies, and Who Wants To Make Out With Katie for the ladies, and the fellas can just hang tight!  Well turns out there aren’t that many sluts in Vegas which I still call bullshit on, and there’s a ton of cocks on chests though which I can understand.  None of them of course bigger than the cock some dude got off his chest and out his mouth, oh and some other dude DP’d his chic with a mold of himself but he was just bragging more than anything.

 

Someone here (Not Tully) is this year's Little Miss Jason Ellis, i think!

Someone here (Not Tully) is this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis, i think!

Welcome back as we check in with this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis contest and it’s time for Karaoke.  To start us off we were blessed with Deidre’s best attempt to rock Jerry Was A Race Car Driver which was aight.  Then we got a cheesy yet very sexy Happy Birthday from Amanda to Ellis, but it wasn’t no where as good as Jason, the former Little Miss Ellis, and his bone chilling Nothing Compares which was literally spot fucking on!  Somehow Deidre, I think, got another shot and went balls clit out with Angel Of Death and fucking ripped shit up, and I think it may have got her this year’s title, but I never really got clarification on that so tune in next time to find out who will be this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis!!!  Oh, and just for good measure we got to watch/hear Cumtard dance while testing out the shock collars for tomorrows fights as Kit Cope gazed at his crotch in amazement.  So from all of us here at NoYouAre, and while wishing Jason Ellis a Happy Mother Fucking Birthday, you know the one where you get a cake, but not just any cake nah this one has some filthy old bukkake covered shemale who will just call your mom jump right out the middle of it and just yells at the top her her lungs, Red Fucking Dragons and kick Gabe’s ass, enjoy the show like its your last….cause ya never know!

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