Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/18/14

Posted on by
Reply

I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you guys…I’ve got a bubbling in my guts that usually foreshadows some bloody diarrhea. It’s probably the stuffed peppers I had for dinner on Sunday night. I regret nothing though, they were absolutely delicious, so keep your eyes on my twitter for the most disturbing live tweet rectal implosion session you’ll probably ever bear witness to. But while we’re waiting for my colon to go supernova, how about some wonderful background noise from the Jason Ellis Show? Today started off like many other with a lot of talk about how not knowing what the hell is going on can be a really good thing sometimes. It’s great when you can just absolve yourself of being a reliable, trustworthy person and throw all your responsibilities to the wind every once in a while. It’s good for the soul. Helps you get your head past some rough shit that might have happened when you were younger. Good times, folks, good times. Tully vouches for this in the way that the internet has let all your average Joe’s lash the fuck out at anybody they want for being a shitty person, regardless of their general status in society. It made enough since at the time, I’m just malnourished at the moment, it’s kind of a busy one today. I haven’t strung a sentence together properly all day. But anyway, it was a lot of conversation about how sometimes when people keep getting kicked around, they just believe it’s their fault, but sometimes you can Rage Against The Machine and they take the power back and  Testify about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and the Renegades of Funk (Perfect placement for some musical puns, eh?). Jason feels very lucky to have a Tully, and the sentiment was reciprocated. He tried being modest about it, but he does know how to take a compliment (unlike most of the ladies I’ve ever met. I’m just saying ladies, it ain’t always cause I want a blowjob, sometimes I just think your hair looks nice, OK MOM?!?!?) Tully talked for a while about how he was getting kinda depressed during that period when he had been let go from the show for a year or so and it really did make him realize that it’s good to pay attention to what your mind is doing so you don’t make any bad decisions based on some temporary feelings. Jason chimed in with his experience on the psychological system and it all seemed like a lot of good info for folks who might be thinking about it. Jude stopped by, and he’s a fucking psychopath, so he had plenty of input on this topic. Jude usually doesn’t feel too crazy unless he gets some THC in his system. One time he was trying to get to sleep after a bunch of ketamine and decided to mellow out with some cannabis throat spray, but he took way too much of it and shit went real dark for the rest of the night. The guys talked for a while about parenting and most of Jude’s issues seem to be rooted in his particular level of involvement with his daughter. In his words, more than a sperm donor, not a deadbeat, but not like Jason or Michael. Jason explained to Jude the long ins and outs of how he came about to be a parent and a husband and how he really didn’t make the best set of plays in that situation, looking back on it all. The guys took some phone calls on how people should go about getting psychiatric care and some of the success stories of people who have done it. On a personal, I’ve had lots of years of therapy, and it’s probably the only reason I survived till 21 years old, so that I could get old enough to get my shit together. I’m not gonna write an Awesome Guide to Life on it or anything, just sayin. Jude talked for a while about how he feels about dying and basically he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to be a vegetable first, which prompted Tully to ask why he spends so much time trying to turn himself into a vegetable, to which he responded that there’s a part of him that wants a slow painless suicide. He gave us a little more insight to his personal thought processes, and I won’t go into detail, but if you happen to run into Jude, give him a big fat bro-hug and let him know how much you like him as a person. Call him Jude out on the street too, not Rude Jude. That’s how he can tell if you’re a friend or just another fan. So, lots of talks about feelings and stuffs was the main focus of the first hour. It’s good to let it out sometimes. Occasionally, it could even get you laid if you time it just right. Maybe it’ll be a sympathy jam, but you;’ll get a nut off all the same. Jude and Ellis started arguing for a bit about whether or not psychiatric medication is a scam, and that’s kind of up for debate, although I could win it with this one statement: The two separate figures for the number of people who take psychiatric meds and the number of people who need them are probably pretty close, if not dead even, however, the single figure for the number of people who need them and take them is probably much lower. Make of that what you will folks, big pharma would like to inspect your colon for something else they can sell you, and that’s all I have to say about it. Talk it over with your spouse for a bit while your pediatrician asks if he can put your kid on Ritalin. I’m gonna jam out to a Taintstick cover of a J-Lo song.

 

So, for a change of pace and a spot of good news, The Awesome Guide to Life is a best seller in Canada! Just proving that no ornery uptight Texan bitch who can’t take a joke or take in all the information contained in a complete sentence is gonna stop that book from being a success. Tully found a news story but Jason has more important news, namely that there’s drug dealers camping out in front of his house on the regular. Apparently, these assholes have been parking right at the front of his house leaving cigarette butts and dead hookers all over the front porch when there’s a perfectly good public trash can not more than 30 feet away. Luckily though, Jason called the cops and they didn’t give the slightest fraction of a fuck because nobody was getting shot in the face and there was no money for the city to make off it. Jason did a guest spot on Adam Carolla’s podcast last night, and although it was probably great for most of us to listen to, he didn’t feel like it was his best work, cause he was tired and hungry and jacked up on coffee way later at night than he’s used to. The guys talked for a while about all the dynamics of radio hosts doing appearances on each other’s shows and how some of them have chemistry and some of them don’t, no matter how much they may like each other’s work, sometimes the two of them just don’t make all that interesting of a pair. It’s like mixing sushi and spaghetti, you might like each on their own, but they aren’t the bet pair, no matter how much of a failing wasted college student you might be. The guys took some calls on it and the general consensus is that Jason did a better job than he thinks, but the producer guy talking about his friend who got burned alive really fucked up the whole ambiance of the show. Speaking of people and bad radio, a Playboy model is suing a radio show for a mishap that happened during an appearance where she let the host tee a golf ball off her ass and the fucking moron swinging the club smacked her across the ass with a 3 wood cause morning terrestrial radio sucks and can’t think of anything good to do, so they have shitty hosts think of what might be funny to the lowest common denominator of their listening audience and hope for the best between playing 40 minute commercial free sets of the same three songs you were already sick of hearing within seconds when they first came out three months ago. Tully occasionally drives past the studio on weekends and sometimes when his belly is still warm from that latte he just drank, he gets a hankering to get on the air and ramble for an hour and a half, and if you call then great, and if not, you can listen to him talk hair metal and recap an NBA game. The guys took some calls and did some talking about Cumtard’s performance for his new lady friend yesterday when he had a belly full of scotch and green eggs and onions and I missed the part where he might have vomited on somebody, but it sounds like it was funny to listen to and depressing to watch and painful to live through if your name is Cumtard, and maybe Pendarvis tried to derail the whole thing, but it still happened so there you go. Everybody hashed it all out and Kevin is thinking that Hardcore the intern may be on to something with the whole not drinking thing that he does, and WILSON came in to let the guys know that he would never pull the show off the air, unless someone’s safety was at risk or New York squeezed his nuts especially hard without giving him a good sweet kiss first. Pendarvis has apparently been given trophies for how good of a job he does managing his radio stations, and the guys had to bust his ass for a really long time about this cause, I mean, come on, butt judge extraordinaire, imperial death march, Hate Bean, those shins (my god, those shins SWOON!). Pretty much the only award WILSON couldn’t win was a cookie eating contest when he was a kid, which pretty much set him up to become the man he is today, not quite fat but not really in shape, a little strange but generally a nice guy, can string together a sentence but avoids answering questions, ladies and gentlemen, Wilson Pendarvis the Third. Let’s all take a minute to revel in his glory and regroup.

 

AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! There’s a video floating around from some drunk wanker who wants you to know exactly how you can go about catching a kangaroo wearing nothing but an emu costume. And speaking of hunting animals, DONALD SCHULTZ IS BACK!!! Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hunt in the traditional sense of the word, but you feel my inflection, mother fuckers. So, the guys watched this video of this Australian fucker, and he’s pretty much THE negative stereotype of Australians. He sounds like a complete hick and he basically spends his days sexually harassing roadkill and making puppets out of the carcasses for internet video fame. Jason and the crew took a good few minutes to ridicule the shit out of this guy cause anybody who would wear a dead emu to try and catch a kangaroo, then lets himself get kicked in the face by aforementioned kangaroo, really doesn’t deserve to reproduce and should be endlessly mocked for his hillbilliness. The guys talked for a while about how there’s more women in Australia than men, and how people in Japan have simply stopped having sex or even genuine human interaction, which gave Tully the great idea that there needs to be a video game where you wake up in a dark room, silently pondering your erection and must find something to do with it or else humanity will end as we know it. The guys kicked around ideas for new ways that Schultz could spice up his sex life with his fiance and basically the only logical move is fucking on the serengeti with a backdrop of lions and other wild predators. Donald has been keeping himself busy as of late, he’s not base jumping anymore, but still goes wing suiting, just not off of mountainsides or anything like that. He’s also been working with Nitro Circus and that hobbit that got his own BBC nature show. The guys did a bit of logistical work on the biggest loser fight that’s gonna be happening at the next EllisMania. This was quickly sidetracked however, and it just went back to a bunch of general random bullshit that was certainly funny but not cohesive enough to make a series of full sentences about. Donald Schultz relayed the story that Chelsea Handler is an absolute cockoholic and without a doubt she fucks all of her animal handler guests, and since I can’t help but believe this, I won’t say “allegedly.” She seems like the type of lady that would totally pull some indecent proposal shit on a sweet, naive, innocent, south African animal wrangler. Donald talked a while about the illegal tiger trade and how Texans are really fucking up the curve for the rest of us and then selling the tigers back to China to make aphrodesiacs with, which is stupid because eating an animal’s penis does not give you their power, a la Highlander Quickening style. This brought the guys back to the topic of Chelsea Handler’s big money vagina and how she would probably light cigars with hundred dollar bills while parading you around the house with a leash and making you eat the pussy at her beck and call. Donald was hobnobbing with Charlize Theron and she tried to get some of her South African roots back up in her, but Donald is a stand up guy and made it very clear that his girlfriend was right there in the room and he’s not fuckin’ around cause she’s South African too and she would cut a bitch and set her on fire. Jane Goodall is in the news because she alleges that Michael Jackson’s former pet monkey Bubbles was an abused animal and MJ was just as disconnected from reality as we all know he was. Jane Goodall also fully believes in Bigfoot, just proving that the internet and celebrity media system has pretty much driven all of them completely insane. But hey, at least there’s totally fictional ghost hunter shows on a network that claims to produce nothing but historically factual TV shows. There was some more ‘Squatch talk, cause the president of Canada needs all the air time he can get, what with the election cycle coming around again soon and all. The guys took a break but when they come back, they’ve got a hell of a crowd participation game for all of us.

 

So, alcoholic monkeys. It’s totally a real thing. I’ve also heard of junkie monkeys from a friend of mine who grew up in India. They would gather at the river next to a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and get lit the fuck up off the opium polluted water. True story, Google it. So, a lady named Jayme Foxx (no relation to the comedian) stopped by to hang out and talk with the guys a bit. She’s got a TV show on CMT called Tattoo Titans where tattoo artists compete for cash and prizes or some such shit. And luckily, it’s not another reality show, just a regular game show, so nobody’s hovering over everyone’s shoulder to see if they fuck or fight or fight two people fucking or fuck two people fighting. Jayme talked for a while about how she doesn’t hate country music, but if the corporation tells her to listen to it, you’ll never see a bigger smile on a person’s face while they’re hearing the shite that country music has become. The guys got started on this crowd sourcing game they had where they wanted the listeners to get in contact with the show and let them know what their signature move is in bed. Jayme was doing her best to help weed out the good ones and the snake oil, but I just gotta tell you, some of you guys are way too old to still be acting like you’re in middle school with some of these tricks, and some of you are just as fucked up and twisted as I strive to be, and that none of us should reproduce, so whatever your move is, wrap it up or learn how to pull out properly. That goes double for the guy who called in to tell us that you need to fish hook your lady’s vag with your tongue sticking in her asshole. We also heard from a lady who said that alka-seltzer on the clit is a champion move, just make sure you don’t use too much right off the bat or you can make your lady’s box catch on fire. There were more calls on fun tricks for eating pussy that almost sound like your cannibalizing someone from the uterus out, but some ladies called in to give their two cents on how to properly gorge on that pole. And really, aside from all the special techniques you might use, just don’t dodge the load, ladies. It’s offensive. It makes us feel like you don’t respect the dick. And we thrive on people respecting our dick. And since so many of us are the MacGuyver of eating poontang, it’s only fair you could return the favor at least a little bit. This whole thing went on for a good 45 minutes and you can probably find all of it in Cosmo or Playboy, so I doubt we learned anything that isn’t available in a million other places, but if you’re like me and enjoy surprising the vagina, it would be worth hitting up the on-demand and taking some notes. Just don’t put the Stone-Cold-Stunner on your lady after cumming in her ass and then draw pictures of stuff on her unconscious face. A suplex or a rear naked choke will do the job a whole lot better.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/17/2014

Posted on by
Reply
oh-you

Oh you! Thanks for reading!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I don’t get it, but whatever, it gives people an excuse to get shitfaced and eat corned beef & cabbage. Also, happy earthquake day! There was a 4.4 magnitude quake in the greater Los Angeles area today. I don’t get it, but whatever, how exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does. Ellis still does not have aids, Dingo acts like he doesn’t, but he sounds pretty raspy today so it might not be a bad idea for him to get his levels checked. The show intro still needs work, specifically the beginning lines. So if you think you’ve got what it takes, then good for you. I don’t know what I meant by that, but whatever, how do magnets work? Disney World makes approximately bookoo monies per day, which is more than Disneyland. The Ellis children’s went to Disneyland this past weekend, there was a lot of fat people there. Wahlburgers. You seen it? Me neither. You plan to see it? Me neither. Let’s move on. Some Jessica girl called into the show to say Ellis got her out of a ticket because she had an EllisMate or Red Dragons sticker on her car. I’m calling bullshit on that, sorry Jessica. Charles Manson and fam lived with one of the Beach Boys & stabbed a Tater-tot. Dingo’s girlfriend is named Stephanie, and as far as we know, she has not claimed to have gotten out of a speeding ticket because she had a Dingo sticker on her car. Cumtard’s ready to party, he’s going to have some whiskey, some beer, and some green eggs – thanks to Tully. We learned that Cumtard thinks he can see orgasms. And he’s not even drunk yet. But whatever, it’s break time.

drum-roll-please

Drum roll please.

Kenda called in to discuss MMA News, UFC 171, and drunk chicks on St. Patty’s Day that have to do the walk of shame tomorrow. Ellis thought the undercard was better than the main events, both he and Kenda felt bad for Carlos Condit – so they have that in common. People want to see Nick Diaz fight Johny Hendricks and Kenda says Nick was there at the weigh-ins taunting Hendricks for not making weight and to pitch himself as Hendricks’ next opponent. Anyway, you can check out all that shit online. Sounds like Ellis might be able to race some cars, thanks to TJ Lavin. No details were given because talk instantly went into Ellis & Dingo having a vegemite vehicle, one of them being the passenger and bringing a mad mix tape, and a potential sticker for the truck of Tully bending over backwards and sticking his head between his legs. A guy called in to discuss a dude punching a shark, tully had some video and was trying to set it up while Dingo kept talking, which earned him quick “shut up” from Tully. Cumtard is doing more shots and making gross noises as he does so. His fuck partner, Alexa, is supposed to be coming by the studio so Cumtard can puke on her, but Wilson say’s that’s not allowed. Of course he says that, but let’s just see if anyone listens to him. So Guinness, along with other beer brands, mayors, etc. are pulling out of St. Patrick’s Day parade because lesbian and gay groups aren’t allowed to march openly. And with, it’s break time.

nope

Heidi and Frank Show? No thanks.

That guy with a 132-pound scrote? He’s dead. From unrelated ball poundage, it was diabeetus! Speaking of death, Frank Kramer is in studio. He’s the co-host of the Heidi and Frank show. You heard it? Me neither. You plan to ever listen? Me neither. His illustrious career includes a stint on AM radio. You know you’re big time when you’re delivering the corn report on an AM station. Since he’s a whackety whacko radio guy, he was going to bring in some whiskey. But he didn’t. Not so whacky now, are ya Frank? Then he did a whacky shot with Cumtard. WHACKTASTIC! This is where Wilson found a reason to come in to bond with his terrestrial radio brethren. Anyway, let’s move on. Cumtard isn’t feeling any pain right now and he swears that Mike Catherwood has said the word’s “eating pussy” on Loveline before. Turns out, he did actually say that, which is absolutely WHACK-A-DOODY! I don’t know what else to say here. I don’t know Frank, I don’t know his show. So there ya go. Break time yet? Close enough.

what-did-you-say

Pull the show off the air?

Moto News time. Except there’s not shit to say about it. People rode their bikes, someone went faster than the others, and we’re all pretty sure Alessi is still a bitch-made ass target ass. Fuckin’ Frank is still here. But Alexa is in studio and instantly goes into how her energy drink isn’t doing nearly as much as her cocaine. Her cocaine isn’t doing a whole lot either so she’s thinking about getting into meth. She calls her relationship with Cumtard a win / lose situation because she’s fucking Cumtard, which raises his street cred while her’s go downhill. So the big question is, even though she has low standards, has Cumtard been getting her off? She says yes, but lets face it, she has no idea. Apparently they had their first little argument the other day because she ate someone elses’ puke and didn’t feel too good and didn’t want to go out. So cute. Their argument, not the vomit eating. Starting to get an idea of the caliber of girl that bangs Cumtard? Frank has a wad of money to pitch in if Cumtard pukes directly into Alexa’s mouth (aka baby bird). Pendarvalis (as drunken Cumtard pronounces it) comes in to say he has to take the show off the air if they go through with it. So what’s next? Alexa spit into Cumtard’s mouth. Not in that gross way, but in the classy way. Just kidding. They tried to get Cumtard to eat more eggs & onions so he would barf, he doesn’t want to eat onions. He continues to keep telling everyone how fun, funny, fun to be around, funner, funny, fun, and fun-fun she is. He finally eats some onion eggs from her asshole but doesn’t vomit. Alexa continues to abuse and emasculate him until the show to ended. And there ya go. Recap over.

what-did-you-say

HateBean Live With Number Five

Posted on by
5

More live studio recordings with HateBean. This time with heavy hitter Blasko on bass, Shoebox on keytar, Nancy on guitar, and tons of over-everything audio-wise courtesy of Ellis. Which actually gave it a gritty, industrial feel that worked out. So here it is, the audio with no – or next to no alterations.

hatebean_laardvark

Need more HATEBEAN? We got more HATEBEAN!

Show Recap for Thursday 2/13/2014

Posted on by
Reply

Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show where Jason’s brain may be falling out of the side of his ear. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. For the record, Tully thinks he sounds fine and normal, so maybe this is all just a false alarm and Jason’s brain is still fully attached to the inside of his head. Even though brains are sort of floaty and only attached by the brainstem and some flimsy membranes. But whatever. It’s probably still in there. Ellis has been playing a game on his phone but he has finished all of the levels and completely owned it because he’s awesome (seriously, there are two books about just how awesome he is) but he is wanting some more levels from it because no, he doesn’t want to get another game. It’s a racing game. Mad skills. Something like that. I dunno…I don’t play phone games and I tried this new thing today where I tried to listen to the show without pressing the pause button because that’s what seems to fuck up my app for SiriusXM and I therefore took about a quarter of the notes that I usually do and most of this is pure recall mixed in with the profanity that I spew while driving all day long. Tully plays a video game on his Wii and it’s Mario Kart and he seems to think that says something negative about him, but fuck that, because if you’re going to own a Nintendo and you’re mostly only playing one game…that game should be Mario Kart. He plays Mario Kart online a lot because it’s more of a challenge, but it’s also eye opening because he mostly plays against 7 year olds from Japan and there are a lot of them that he can’t beat. Some callers call about Ellis playing his phone game and he should play online because that’s how you unlock more boards, but there is one guy who says not to play online because it’s a bunch of 15 year olds talking shit to get you riled up. Ellis likes that there would be 15 year olds talking shit to him because he thinks that a 15 year old talking legitimate shit would be hilarious.

In other news, Ellis isn’t feeling too hot and he might be dying, but probably not, but his doctor should be calling him at some point today to let him know if he is dying and if he is what he could do. Tully is kind of also not on top of his game because he had some cocktails last night to fight a bout of mini insomnia and he feels bad about it because he had decided to quit drinking during the week and if he cheats he thinks it throws all of the good away. But he wasn’t sad drinking, he was delighted while he was drinking because if you’re going to go for something, then you may as well go all in. Ellis doesn’t have the kiddies this weekend, which is probably a good thing since he isn’t feeling too on top of his game, but it is Devin’s birthday this weekend and there is going to be a party. Ellis isn’t too clear on the party details, but he’s going even if he isn’t invited, because he’s the Daddy and the Daddy is always invited. He has to go shopping for her present tomorrow night and while from the outside it seems like it should be easy, but Ellis says that it can be kind of hard because she’s young and young kids see too many commercials and want stupid shit. I think it’s safe to say that she is not going to get rollerblades or Heely’s. Just saying. Ellis thinks that he is going to get her a new present and also do her room up a little bit because he just re-did Tiggie’s room and he thinks that Devin would like some new stuff to hang on her walls other than a giant painting by Grant Cobb. I think he’s right about that considering that one-she is a girl and girls love changing shit around randomly (I know because I am one and my friends and I used to reorganize and redecorate our rooms on a weekly basis for fun because girls are batshit insane and half lame when we’re growing up), and two- she did a mini revamp of her room by herself and moved her bed around all weird.

The show somehow segued into talking about being bald, hair loss, hair transplants, wigs, man wigs, and which celebrities have fake hair. The celebs that they talk about that Tully and Ellis believe have fake hair are John Travolta, Bruce Jenner, David Spade, Steven Segal, Nikki Six, and Tom Brady. They all have really good fake hair except for Bruce Jenner who has two separate hair lines and it’s so bad that even Tully can tell, and he admittedly is not the best at pointing out people who have had help in the hair department. Ellis thinks that it would be cool to have really good fake hair and he would like to have it for a week or so at a time so long as it looked good. He would be good advertising for a hair replacement place because, as Tully says, Ellis is the kind of guy who would admit that he has fake hair and tell everyone where he got it done. But, on the flip side of that, if Ellis got fake hair from somewhere and it didn’t live up to his expectations he would probably blast the shit out of it and no one would ever want to go to that hair place again. There are a bunch of callers who talk about being bald, their bald friends, and the places that they went to get fake hair, and a lady calls who used to attach the really good hair pieces to people for a living and she said they use wood glue which sounds super weird to me. Want my opinion? If you are losing your hair, just bic that shit, guys with no hair are fucking hot as hell and if you keep it tight I might ask to lick your head.

Back from the break Tully lets us know that a man in Northern England mysteriously lost his penis near a rest stop and the police shit down the highway to do a ‘fingertip search’ of the area while trying to find this poor guys schlong. Why is this mysterious? Well, we don’t know how the guy lost his dick (unfriendly rest stop glory hole, mayhaps?), and the cops (Or Bobbies as they are called in England and I wanted to be able to call them Bobbies) will neither confirm nor deny that they have found the missing member. Poor guy. Or not. The poor guy is in a medically induced coma and most likely is not aware that he is still missing his penis. Ellis agrees with the decision to put the guy on ice, because if he had his cock chopped off he for sure would want to be put on ice because what is the point of living without your cock??!?!?!?!?!?!?! I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that because I don’t have one…and I can’t exactly lose my vagina because it’s a hole. Boom. Advantage female gonads. Add that to the list of being way more discrete when aroused and being more fun to play with!

There is no good way to go from talking about chopped off cocks to Rob Dyrdek, so, let’s just start talking to Rob! There’s no more Fantasy Factory, ladies and gentleman. It’s over. Not really because there was one more new episode on tonight, but it’s already happened even though it hadn’t happened yet when they were talking about it, and we all know that Fantasy Factory will live on forever in the land of replays on MTV and MTV2. The interview with Rob was really good and really long and I took about 5 lines worth of notes so I will not be doing it justice and I highly recommend trying to catch the interview on the replay in the morning, or download and listen to it on demand. But anyway, although there will be no more new Fantasy Factory, Rob has a new show of some sort on Fox Sports One involving street skating and it seems to me to be a competition, legitimate sports show that will be an ongoing thing as opposed to a Fantasy Factory/Ridiculousness venture, but it’s awesome that it’s going to be on Fox Sports One because that’s a big deal. Apparently, while all of this was in the works Rob made a call to Dana White (you know, the UFC guy) and asked him to put in a good word for him over at FS1 to which Dana White responded, “Fuck yeah! I’ll call you right back,” and then called him right back and said, “you’re good”. Must be fantastic to have that powerhouse of a fucking human being backing you. Ellis should call Dana White and see if he can get on tv because it’s really only one phone call away. All kidding aside, Rob Dyrdek himself is a powerhouse of a fucking human being who has a great mind for business and branding and is obsessed with his career and may never get married. Wait, what? Ellis asked Rob if he has a girlfriend, which he does not, as he has broken up with the girlfriend pictured on his instagram. Or maybe she broke up with him once she realized that he wasn’t going to marry her. He may never get married because he’s going the Clooney route and is super focused on his career and is not in a rush to settle down with someone because he is not normal. I’m not calling him not normal or abnormal, he called himself that, and frankly, marriage isn’t for everyone and I don’t think that finding marriage less than desirable is all that abnormal. Especially for a rich guy. If shit doesn’t work out with a girl and you’re rich and married, half of your hard earned fucking money goes to her because she agreed to fuck you and then probably stopped fucking you. A man like Dyrdek has a lot on the line for bullshit like that. The other problem may also be that he isn’t dating the right girl because Ellis points out that he tends to date dime pieces who, although super hot, probably don’t match him on an intellectual level. Rob agrees that the perfect girl for him would be a smart girl who is also a dime piece (sorry, I’m taken) and maybe one day he will get married, but maybe not. They talk about Ellis and Wolfknives and getting shit in order and how Ellis could be so much bigger than he already is, but he might want to look into getting a business partner and surrounding himself with more business minded people who can help to execute the awesome ideas that Ellis has. Rob also had a lot of nice things to say about the Crypt Keeper, who also goes by Larry King, saying that he had a deep interview with him and Larry King is a genius. However, he did mention that some time after the interview he did with Larry King they ran into each other at a restaurant and King introduced him as a ‘big snowboarder’. SMH. Even I know that he’s a skateboarder and to be honest, the only other skateboarder I can name is Tony Hawk. They talk a bit about being famous and getting hounded by fans and paparazzi, which doesn’t happen all that much to Rob because he manages to be a low key guy and he knows how to play the game and doesn’t show up at the places where papas are constantly standing watch for famous people to annoy. It also gets brought up that Rob was a huge designed for DC shoes, which I didn’t know but Hubbs did (he basically only wears DC’s), and I thought it was funny cause the Bub just got his first pair of DC’s. Those fucking things were more expensive somehow than the ones that Joe wears, which makes no sense to me because they’re about a fifth the size, but, whatever. But you know what? Rob Dyrdek is awesome, he’s a powerhouse, and if you want to believe that you can do anything, check out the empire that this guy built.

Back from the break there’s another guest in the studio and her name is Alyssa Sutherland and she is from the show that Ellis currently loves on the History Channel called Vikings. And…I dunno if it was just me, but this interview was super fucking awkward. Like. It was bad. Not the interview. The awkwardness. I don’t really think anyone gave Alyssa the heads up on what kind of show The Jason Ellis Show is, but she was pretty touchy about a lot of things. It fascinated me. Like, how did no one tell this bitch what this is all about? It’s like throwing a seal into a tank with a shark and telling the seal that it’s just another fish. Damn. Just…damn. Alyssa is an Aussie who won’t tell Ellis or Tully how old she is, and she used to be a model but is an actress now. She didn’t like being a model all that much because she said it was mind-numbing, but she really enjoys acting and doesn’t like discussing her personal life, which Ellis found out real quick when he asked her if she were single. *Hiss hiss* I don’t know…maybe I just don’t like her. Ellis talks a lot about how she’s super hot, but even manages to offend her with that, and…I really didn’t like her that much. There. I said it. She’s not my kind of girl. Maybe it’s her publicists fault. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. They manage to talk about the show she’s on a little bit, they talk about Vikings in real life, she doesn’t like cats, she used to be in gymnastics…yaddayadda. I can’t. I didn’t like her. Hubbs laughed a couple times, but he didn’t hear the first ten minutes or so of her being on…so I’m not going with him on this one. Ellis straight out called her touchy and Tully said she was being overly defensive…and I agree. She needs to roll with the punches a bit more and then she’ll probably go far. She ended the interview with him by saying, “Thanks for having me and asking weird questions.” Whatever, bitch.

Wrapping up the show there is some Hollywood News involving Rocky- The Musical. Ellis and Tully are not fans of musical theater. At all. They think it’s for old rich people who still think that’s a valid form of entertainment. And now I’m going to get all defensive. Who likes that shit? I like that shit. A lot. I know it’s geeky and dorky and ‘Oh God, you’re one of those‘ but I am a straight up Musical/Theater junkie. I would totally sign up for a life where people broke out into song and dance on a daily basis for next to no reason because THAT SHIT IS FUCKING AMAZING! I have showtunes on my ipod. I acted in them all throughout school as well as doing some outside productions, I have friends who majored in Musical Theater in college, are on Broadway (or Off-Broadway), and full on make a living out of it. Musicals are hands down the shit. And you know what? My daddy digs musicals and so far as I am concerned, he is the voice of God, so that’s all the proof I need that Musicals are next level amazeballs. Matthew McConnaughey talked to Snuffaluffagus (the Canadian Greek Dr. Drew) about how he came up with his ‘Alright, alright, alright’ catch phrase, and Ellis commented about how seeing actors as they really are ruin it for him, and they talk about how George Lopex told Ellen that he has quit drinking after passing out on the floor of a casino. Before you know it, it’s final calls, and people can’t talk on phones.

 

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellisfam Tom was on KCAL9 wearing a Death Death Die T-shirt

There’s something going on outside of the studio- lots of emergency vehicles

Weird Al’s parents died from Carbon Monoxide poisoning and that’s super sad

Any problem can be solved using Ellisfam Google

Cullen is a Bitter Baldy

CumTard is super pumped about his Rogaine shampoo

Rob Dyrdek is so amazing that Ellis even says it when he isn’t around

Rob Dyrdek is going to die at the age of 105 after being shot into space at 104 and hanging out there for a while

Rob Dyrdek is never going to be sold on getting a prostate exam. Ever.

Ellis used to want to achieve ‘paparazzi on his dick’ level fame, but is glad that he doesn’t have to deal with them

NYC turns you into a heartless, tunnel vision, asshole (allegedly)

Alyssa Sutherland was starstruck by Rob Dyrdek

There are creepy dudes in Tully’s neighborhood and his doors are seriously locked

Final caller is so right about Long Island, New York loving TJES (I know, cause that’s where I’m from, you go caller guy)

Final callers really suck still

If you’re going to cheat on your wife, get divorced, you’ll wind up being less of an asshole

Floyd Mayweather may have kidnapped and beaten some guys he thought stole jewelry from his house

Rich people are rich so they can ingest disgusting things like caviar and champagne

Kool Aid is way tastier than Champagne

 

So yeah…hopefully next week I’ll be back to taking notes because I’m not super happy about how this turned out. It may also be that I kind of am hating on Alyssa Sutherland. I don’t hate her, but I think I’m taking out some of my bad mood from yesterday on her. I’m sure she’s a lovely human being…but I would also really like to see a video of her getting blasted in the face by a potato during a food fight. Just sayin.

Dehydrated and Exhausted

Posted on by
Reply

It has become a common celebrity excuse. Explain your irrational behavior, that was caught on camera, by saying you were dehydrated and exhausted. That’s Hollywood speak for, “I was sooooo wasted!” Well, Ellis is feeling dehydrated and exhausted. He could take his pants off, or more likely, Cumtard could watch him stab himself to death for an Instagram video the children will never forget.


Download (link to MP3)