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Show Recap for Thursday 5/15/2014

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Originally I had thought of a great way to open this recap…but that was around 7 hours ago when the show was starting and I was all excited and pumped and now…now it’s 7 hours later and I’ve lost my mojo a bit and am drawing a big, fat, blank after work, going to the super market, making dinner, playing with my kid, and trying to fix my laptop even though I just did all of the updates last week after fixing it and…sigh…it’s hard being a grown up. I never wanted to be one and it happened anyway. Beeteedubs…if anyone wants to donate to the cause of me being able to buy a laptop that actually works…you know where to find me. I’m mostly joking about that. Keep your money. I need to find a way to keep myself from getting so defeated over these stupid little things like laptop problems. Maybe I should get motivating words tattooed on my thumbs like Ellis is planning on doing. And that, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a segue. Boom. So anyway, yeah, Ellis opened up the show talking about how he wants to get the words ‘Faster’ and ‘Stronger’ tattooed on his thumbs because it will help him remember the things that he is trying to accomplish in life and will motivate him to make good decisions in all aspects of his day to day and professional life because it’ll be right in front of his face at all times, son. It’s like when you write stuff down on paper and keep that paper in your pocket to help you remember things, but then he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing the paper because it’ll be on his skin and if he loses his hands, well…he’ll have a whole lot more shit to worry about other than eating too much cheesecake. Did I mention that this whole ‘let’s get something inspirational tattooed on my thumbs’ was motivated by his inability to say no to the cheesecake that Katie brings home at night when she gets home from work? Ellis, as always, wants to be fit and take care of himself and live a long time and be useful, and since he’s getting heart surgery on Tuesday he isn’t going to be able to work out for three months and he’s really going to have to be on top of his diet and can’t sit around being a fat kid and stuffing his mouth with all of the junk food that he wants. So, he’s planning on stopping by Grant Cobb’s house after he goes to Devin’s school open house to get Faster and Stronger writer down his thumbs because he can’t get faster and stronger if he’s constantly reaching for the cheesecake. They talk about this for a while, and jump back and forth between subjects, but for the sake of cohesiveness (and because my brain feels like it is half falling out at this point), I’m gonna recap it all together. Tully brings up that instead of getting reminder notes tattooed on his hands he could always lock the fridge so he doesn’t stumble to it when he’s half asleep and more apt to stuff his face with junk food, and Ellis isn’t super on board with that because, well, how do you lock a fridge? The other problem is sort of that Katie never thinks that Ellis is fat, because technically he isn’t fat, he’s just heavier than he wants to be, and she keeps buying all these yummy goodies for him to eat. Ellis also wants to get in the habit of practicing what he preaches, since he is always telling all of us listeners that we need to take care of ourselves and eat clean and make sure we stick around for a long time, and he doesn’t always follow his own advice. So, while he’s not working out for three months he’s going to really concentrate on eating well and share what he’s doing with all of us and hopefully he’ll make our lives better. I know that, personally, listening to the show always motivates me to make better lifestyle choices and I’m a much healthier person (mind and body) since I started listening to the show 3 years ago. Annnnnnnnd I can’t believe that it’s been three years…it still kind of feels like I just started listening yesterday. That’s how fresh this show always is! Boom.

There was some talk about how Ellis and the kiddies broke the RC cars he got from Ken Block again, that Tully never realized had been broken a first time, but Ellis is kind of pumped on the whole thing because he’s been fixing them himself and he feels like he’s learning stuff about how to work on cars, because, hey, they’re little cars and he’s making them run and swapping out parts, and he and Tiggie do it together, which is super cool and fun. Two of the cars are gas powered and there is one that is battery powered and Ellis seems to be taking parts from the gas ones and swapping them with parts from the battery powered one, and again, he was doing it with Tiger and they had some good father-son time together. So good, in fact, that when Ellis was done making the fixes and changing the tires with tiny allen keys, he was perfectly okay with the fact that the batteries for the one RC car were plugged in at the studio. Which is a bummer and a lot of five year olds would have had a meltdown over it. Hell yeah Baby Ellis!!

On to other things Ellis had a sit down with the guys at Benchmark, which for those of you who somehow don’t know, are the guys who put out the Wolfknives stuff when you sign up to join the wonderful gang, because Ellis wants to expand the line and make some ‘premium’ Wolfknives gear. Apparently the Wolfknives apparel and accessories are doing really well and even hold allure to people who have no idea about The Jason Ellis Show and it’s ties to the leader of the best wolf pack of all time, and even retailers are interested in the Wolfknives line. That’s all very big and exciting news. Tully talks about how he’s always had the idea where he would design his own logo that he could have sewn on to his clothes because he’s a rather plain-clothed man and that way he could always be walking around wearing ‘his’ line of clothes. He’s brought it up to the wifey, since she is all kinds of in the know when it comes to fashion, and she shot that idea down quick letting Tully know that that would cost a lot of money and he’d have a shit ton of logos and he would have to really, really be dedicated to wearing only ‘his’ line for the rest of his life. So, that’s probably not going to happen. Ellis is pretty stoked about the whole Wolfknives thing, and the expansion of the line, because they’re the clothes that he likes to wear and he would have designed them anyway because even if it flopped, he would always wear it, and it’s pretty awesome that there are a bunch of us crazy people who want to wear it all too.  Speaking of the Wolfknives, Will comes in and has a list of people who are ready to get their names and Tully has a surprise!!! A fan of the show named Russell, created a Wolfknives Name Generator and sent the program or link or whatever to Tully for them to play around with. And, yeah, just in case you were wondering, No You Are did that, like, ages ago, bro, so, you know, way to be late to the party. Now that the snark is out of the way, the generator actually worked pretty well and was able to name a bunch of people some pretty wonderfully horrible things. So, welcome to the pack Queef Rippington, BoJangles Witherspoon, Fart HorseLog, Statutory Fingering, Dick Clit, Testicle Shadows, Emperor Raccoon, The Spanish Cumrag, Bear Driver, Chunky Gape, Lube Cheetos, Stan-In Bastard, Pissburger LadyBoy, Captain Racist, Predator Magnum, Diablo Tuna, Homo RageButt, and Clit Cheetos. The Name Generator worked pretty well, and there were only a couple of times they hit the refresh button more than once, so, hi five Russell, way to steal our site’s idea. And yeah, I’m joking about that, because I’m pretty sure it’s possible for two people to come up with the idea of a name generator without one party ripping it off another. Just know, that it was done first here ;)

Back from the first break, Ellis informs us that there is to be a new protocol for the ‘Don’t Die’ callers, because The Jason Ellis Show will just not give up on making the idea work, because it will, damn you, it will. So, the new deal is that when it comes time for final calls and don’t dies, Ellis and/or his King- Michael Tully, will inform listeners what the, I guess ‘theme’ is an appropriate word, is for the day. It’s going to go along the lines of a segment that the show did yesterday, where callers called in with the dumbest things that they’ve ever done, but it’s going to change every show. It can be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, the smartest thing you’ve ever done, etc. But, this way, people won’t keep dying when they’re supposed to, you know, not die. Will it work? Hopefully! Did it work today? You’ll have to get to the end of this recap to find out!!! Bwah-hah-ha.

Did you know that dog is not always man’s best friend? Maybe. Probably. I mean…some dogs are assholes, I guess, but no one ever really expects it to be cats. I mean, cats are basically notorious assholes, no matter how many cute videos there are of cats doing weird things. They’re more independent and tend to treat us like their pets instead of acting like they’re our pets. I have a cat. By association. She lives at my house at least, and I have to feed her, and sometimes she likes me and does that sweet, sleepy slow blink of cat love, and other times she glares at me like she wants to eat my unborn babies because I brought a puppy home and she fucking hates him. But anyway, there’s a cat in the news who did something so amazing for her little human boy that he or she is going to be featured in the hoity toity Cat Fancy publication. So what did the cat do? It saved a four year old little boy from being eaten by a neighbor’s dog. That’s pretty fucking hardcore. And no, I can’t post the link because my computer is a piece of shit, and I really apologize for that because while I suck at the whole inserting pictures into the recap thing, I have the link thing down and try not to make you do too much work on your own. If you’re interested…Google is totally a thing. I apologize. Think lovingly of my breasts is that appeases you. They’re fabulous. Also, in the news, Tully informs us that some (allegedly) batshit crazy 31 year old lady calling herself Charity convinced some innocent nice people that she was an abused, 15 year old runaway (a plot ripped straight from Law and Order SVU…no joke…it’s a fantastic episode) who then took her in and put her in the local private High School, where she fooled everybody. It’s not completely clear how the truth about the situation came out, but she had everybody fooled. Even the kids she went to school with couldn’t really believe it when the news broke. Pretty effing insane. I look pretty young, especially according to ladies in the supermarket, but even they peg me at 17 or 18, there’s no way I could pass for a 15 year old. I mean, on top of the fact that I have zero fashion knowledge and suck at using makeup…I have too many tattoos to ever be confused for a 15 year old. You know who also probably can’t pass for a 15 year old? Michael Sam. Yeah, really bad transition, but…it’s almost midnight and I was up at 4:30 and I am using that as my excuse right now. Michael Sam hasn’t done anything crazy, but Tully read a story about him that he found worth mentioning as some food for thought. There is a chance that Michael Sam won’t make the team that drafted him, as the Rams apparently are pretty well set in the position that Sam plays, and he’s just wondering if that is going to cause some trouble down the road for The Rams. He doesn’t think that the team would base their decision on Sam making the team on anything other than his football playing, but he kind of leaves it unsaid that there is the possibility that the media could cause a shit storm of badness speculating that maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make the team, it has something to do with his sexual orientation. And I wouldn’t put it pass the media, because they’ll do anything for ratings. But, there’s also no saying that if The Rams don’t put him on the team roster that he won’t wind up playing for another NHL Team.

And all that news talk effectively killed enough time for TJ Lavin to get to the studio along with his buddy Corey of Undaunted Clothing, and they are the guys who are kind of responsible for there being no TJES tomorrow. Yup, sorry to break the news, but Ellis is doing that UTV race this weekend and Friday is one of the days that he has to be there. But, you know, he has to go, because this could be the last race he has before he dies. And, really, if you look at the options, there’s a better chance that this really could be the last race that he ever gets to race, and that’s why you should never blindly trust statistics, because in all likelihood Ellis will be able to race again. Did you follow that? Should I break it down? Let me break it down. There are three options: 1) Ellis will be fine following the surgery and be able to go balls to the wall after his three month heart heal time 2) Ellis could die 3) The surgery could not work and Ellis wouldn’t be able to race because it could throw him into A-fib. Now…statistically, the odds are stacked against him when you take those three into account because 2 of the 3 available options means he could never race again, leaving only one good outcome- 33%. But that’s not really true, as there are other factors within those three categories which put the odds more heavily in his favor for being perfectly fine following the heart surgery, like the fact that there is only a 3% chance he could die, and the success rate for patients whose hearts never have a problem again after the surgery. But, really, don’t bitch about there being no show tomorrow. Yes, it’s sad and shitty, but, Big Daddy J needs to follow his bliss and that’s what we love about him. He’s there for us more often than he’s not by a wide margin. Give him a break.

Anyway, TJ Lavin, right? That dude is pretty awesome and I’m pretty sure he was actually a guest on the show in my beginning stages of writing for this wonderful website and that makes me feel good about him in a nostalgic kind of way. Also, I know who he is because I used to watch the Road Rules/Real World challenge back when it was still called that. He did the Inferno one, which is the only name I remember of them. That show is still around, just called The Challenge, and has been green lit for it’s 16th season. Holy freaking shit. I’m only a decade older than that freaking show. It couldn’t even be my baby. TJ and Corey talk a lot with Ellis about the upcoming race and throughout the interview/appearance/whateveryouwannacallit it really kind of comes out the TJ, although he is going to be in a higher classed race, really has zero experience over Ellis, and that is going to be entertaining as fuck. They laugh a lot, share a lot of memories, make a lot of jokes at each other’s expense, and have a good time. Oh god, I almost said that they talked about Mike Tyson, and that’s what happens when you listen to two shows in one day and don’t write your recap for 7 hours. ugh. That was yesterday. Mike Tyson was yesterday. Today was the race in Lake Elsanor talk. Towards the end of the segment the guys take a Skype call from a guy who super loves TJ Lavin is it. Was. Amazeballs. Why? Because it was some guy in a gimp mask and ball gag wearing assless chaps that made out with posters of Lavin. At one point there was a collective, loud, yelling ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ from all the guys in the studio and that’s when Tully informed us that the caller was wearing assless chaps. It was amazing. TJ Lavin thought the dude was awesome, probably because he was rubbing his nipples while talking to him, and it was a good time. There were some other calls to talk to TJ, and they pale in comparison to how awesome that was. I’m not telling you about them. They are nothing. Even though SPOILER ALERT (ha) it was Cumtard. How do I know that? Christian posted a text conversation he was having with Kevin at the time and Kevin said for Christian to text Jetta because he was currently in a closet or something wearing a Gimp Mask. Still. Fucking Epic. Check out the text on Instagram @Kingtrut if you don’t believe me. I salute you, Cumtard, I love you so hard right now.

Back from the break we are informed by Tully that it is National Peace Officer Memorial Day, and there is some back and forth on wtf a peace officer is. A caller calls in and informs everyone that yes, Police Officers and Sherriff’s are peace officers, but also, you can be one too! All you need is to take a class and they give you a badge and you can get a gun and then you are subjected to the same power and regulation as a law enforcement person. Ellis thinks that he and Tully should take the class and become Peace Officers so they can arrest each other all day long and so Ellis can arrest Katie’s Box any time that he wants. Tully takes the opportunity to inform us all that Kentucky police are still looking for information on the murder of Police Officer Jason Ellis and tells us that if anyone has any information on who is responsible for this horrible crime can email the Kentucky Police at EllisCaseEtips@KY.gov. On the offhand chance that any of you fucks reading this know anything about it, do the right thing.

Christian is in the studio for his signature segment of Stripped Vocals. But not. I mean, he was really there, but he didn’t just strip songs down to the vocals this time around, he stripped down to different parts- guitar, drums, orchestral, etc, to show us just how much there is that goes into making these songs. It was pretty awesome and he played us pieces of greats from Stevie Wonder (the best blind drummer of all time), the Beatles, that song Heard it Through the Grapevine, and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Ellis really likes when Christian does these segments because he feels like it’s helping everyone appreciate music on a deeper level, and it exposes a lot of people to music that they wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t normally appreciate. Christian also played some stripped vocals by request and played Firework and Bohemian Rhapsody and it was awesome. Actually…the most awesome part was when Ellis dared the listeners to crank up the volume on their radios for the stripped Katy Perry vocals and take a video of themselves doing it to send to him because…well…if you’re a listener you know why. It’s kind of awesome to juxtapose the image of the typical Jason Ellis Show listener with the musical stylings of Katy Perry. But you’re a real man, or woman, if you crank that shit. There were a bunch of people who sent in videos of themselves in traffic and gas stations and things like that blasting Katy Perry for the world to see/hear and everyone got a good laugh from it. Hubbs asked me why I didn’t do it, and I responded that 1) we were parked in front of a customer’s house in a quiet neighborhood and the system in the work truck would have probably kept the customer from ever calling us again and 2) seeing me blasting Katy Perry is nothing new, I do it on the reg. If he had been in the truck at the time, other than getting the customer to sign the paperwork, I would have felt more compelled to do it, because he’s a big, beefy tattooed guy and it’s funnier. Despite the fact that on one of our first dates he came rolling up blasting Katy Perry, and when we go out and there’s a DJ he always requests that they play the song and dedicate it to me. Fucking mushy wonderful man I have. He listens to “Girlfriend” by Avril too. Seriously. I went to skip it when it came on my ipod once and he said, “What are you doing? I love that song!” and changed it back. If any of you tell him I said this, eat shit and die. But it’s one of the things I love about him. He listens to a wide variety of music, mostly because he has killer systems in his vehicles and everything sounds amazing, but also because he’s a sexy man beast who is totally secure.

At the end of the show there was some Hollywood News which involved the announcement of Li’l Kim being pregnant and putting up her registry info on the internet thereby inviting everyone with access to the internet to send her gifts, the guy who leaked the Solange/Jay-Z video got fired from his job but made 250k for releasing the video…although the police have been informed of his identity and that may be soon going to legal fees, and Justin Bieber is still a little shit. Does that surprise anyone? Not really. He’s a little shit who runs around with a pack of little shits. Together they are one big, blown out, shit up the back baby diaper.

Time for the don’t die! What’s the theme for today? Don’t die and tell me the gayest thing that you have ever done! Unless you’re gay, no wait, especially if you’re gay!!!! The first guy who called got shot off because he was taking too long, but the second caller, Amy, did not die and she regaled us with her succinct tale of how she and her guy friend had sex with a girl who was on her period, and didn’t tell them, and Amy had gone down on her. Red Dragons, bitch!!!!

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Tully wants to sell silver leather pants to the masses. But not really.

There may be a Wolfknives Canadian Hockey Jersey in the works

Gotta dodge the Age Bullets

Parents are too overprotective of their kids these days

Will started taking Ambien to sleep and hasn’t murdered anyone yet, but his pillow was in the freezer this morning

Newscasters have to pretend that they’re objective, but the News would be way better if they were genuine and just lost their shit like everyone else

It’s scary doing motorsports

TJ Lavin will be driving a Pro Lite in a race and he’s only ever done 10 laps in one

Joe Rogan is too busy to be on TJES, but they still all love each other, and that’s cool

The Beatles are very good

Back in the day music was made for adults to enjoy and now the target audience is children

Ellis needs a nap

 

 

Once again there will not be a live show tomorrow, Friday, so enjoy the replay and don’t give Ellis shit about it, he has his heart to worry about and this could be his last race ever.

Show Recap for Thursday 3/20/2014

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Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.

Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.

This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.

Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So yeah..fitness equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.

Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to submittoellis@gmail.com and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.

It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:

  1. A hanging hairless cat bat sculpture for the lowlow price of $40
  2. A fart in a jar for the bargain of $54
  3. A magical living god ring that brings luck and genie wishes for $3000
  4. A Camo/Hunter Orange knitted cock cozy for $12 (a steal!!!!)
  5. A Fecal Love Mixtape with Authentic Pubic Hair for $17.14
  6. Petrified Whale Vertebrae for $70
  7. Prehistoric Fossil Poop for $12
  8. A Taxidermy Toad coin purse for $25 (but you can’t have it, Ellis bought it)
  9. Cock and Balls Catnip holding dick for $20
  10. Crochet Boob Pillow with hand and nipple ring for $38
  11. Alien Sex Business Card Holder for $9.99 (Tully swooped in and bought that one)
  12. The Original Boob Scarf for $25
  13. Hand Crafted Wood Flogger for $139.99

Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.

Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.

Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.

Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?

Things we learned on the show today:

Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11

Rick is a lovely guy

Women hate when you say “All women…”

Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow

Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape

It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off

Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house

Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did

You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts

Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up

The shocker should not be your go to sex move

James Franco doesn’t smoke weed

All Australians can do the best burn outs ever

Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants

TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)

Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo

TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh

Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans

 

Show Recap for Thursday 2/13/2014

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show where Jason’s brain may be falling out of the side of his ear. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. For the record, Tully thinks he sounds fine and normal, so maybe this is all just a false alarm and Jason’s brain is still fully attached to the inside of his head. Even though brains are sort of floaty and only attached by the brainstem and some flimsy membranes. But whatever. It’s probably still in there. Ellis has been playing a game on his phone but he has finished all of the levels and completely owned it because he’s awesome (seriously, there are two books about just how awesome he is) but he is wanting some more levels from it because no, he doesn’t want to get another game. It’s a racing game. Mad skills. Something like that. I dunno…I don’t play phone games and I tried this new thing today where I tried to listen to the show without pressing the pause button because that’s what seems to fuck up my app for SiriusXM and I therefore took about a quarter of the notes that I usually do and most of this is pure recall mixed in with the profanity that I spew while driving all day long. Tully plays a video game on his Wii and it’s Mario Kart and he seems to think that says something negative about him, but fuck that, because if you’re going to own a Nintendo and you’re mostly only playing one game…that game should be Mario Kart. He plays Mario Kart online a lot because it’s more of a challenge, but it’s also eye opening because he mostly plays against 7 year olds from Japan and there are a lot of them that he can’t beat. Some callers call about Ellis playing his phone game and he should play online because that’s how you unlock more boards, but there is one guy who says not to play online because it’s a bunch of 15 year olds talking shit to get you riled up. Ellis likes that there would be 15 year olds talking shit to him because he thinks that a 15 year old talking legitimate shit would be hilarious.

In other news, Ellis isn’t feeling too hot and he might be dying, but probably not, but his doctor should be calling him at some point today to let him know if he is dying and if he is what he could do. Tully is kind of also not on top of his game because he had some cocktails last night to fight a bout of mini insomnia and he feels bad about it because he had decided to quit drinking during the week and if he cheats he thinks it throws all of the good away. But he wasn’t sad drinking, he was delighted while he was drinking because if you’re going to go for something, then you may as well go all in. Ellis doesn’t have the kiddies this weekend, which is probably a good thing since he isn’t feeling too on top of his game, but it is Devin’s birthday this weekend and there is going to be a party. Ellis isn’t too clear on the party details, but he’s going even if he isn’t invited, because he’s the Daddy and the Daddy is always invited. He has to go shopping for her present tomorrow night and while from the outside it seems like it should be easy, but Ellis says that it can be kind of hard because she’s young and young kids see too many commercials and want stupid shit. I think it’s safe to say that she is not going to get rollerblades or Heely’s. Just saying. Ellis thinks that he is going to get her a new present and also do her room up a little bit because he just re-did Tiggie’s room and he thinks that Devin would like some new stuff to hang on her walls other than a giant painting by Grant Cobb. I think he’s right about that considering that one-she is a girl and girls love changing shit around randomly (I know because I am one and my friends and I used to reorganize and redecorate our rooms on a weekly basis for fun because girls are batshit insane and half lame when we’re growing up), and two- she did a mini revamp of her room by herself and moved her bed around all weird.

The show somehow segued into talking about being bald, hair loss, hair transplants, wigs, man wigs, and which celebrities have fake hair. The celebs that they talk about that Tully and Ellis believe have fake hair are John Travolta, Bruce Jenner, David Spade, Steven Segal, Nikki Six, and Tom Brady. They all have really good fake hair except for Bruce Jenner who has two separate hair lines and it’s so bad that even Tully can tell, and he admittedly is not the best at pointing out people who have had help in the hair department. Ellis thinks that it would be cool to have really good fake hair and he would like to have it for a week or so at a time so long as it looked good. He would be good advertising for a hair replacement place because, as Tully says, Ellis is the kind of guy who would admit that he has fake hair and tell everyone where he got it done. But, on the flip side of that, if Ellis got fake hair from somewhere and it didn’t live up to his expectations he would probably blast the shit out of it and no one would ever want to go to that hair place again. There are a bunch of callers who talk about being bald, their bald friends, and the places that they went to get fake hair, and a lady calls who used to attach the really good hair pieces to people for a living and she said they use wood glue which sounds super weird to me. Want my opinion? If you are losing your hair, just bic that shit, guys with no hair are fucking hot as hell and if you keep it tight I might ask to lick your head.

Back from the break Tully lets us know that a man in Northern England mysteriously lost his penis near a rest stop and the police shit down the highway to do a ‘fingertip search’ of the area while trying to find this poor guys schlong. Why is this mysterious? Well, we don’t know how the guy lost his dick (unfriendly rest stop glory hole, mayhaps?), and the cops (Or Bobbies as they are called in England and I wanted to be able to call them Bobbies) will neither confirm nor deny that they have found the missing member. Poor guy. Or not. The poor guy is in a medically induced coma and most likely is not aware that he is still missing his penis. Ellis agrees with the decision to put the guy on ice, because if he had his cock chopped off he for sure would want to be put on ice because what is the point of living without your cock??!?!?!?!?!?!?! I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that because I don’t have one…and I can’t exactly lose my vagina because it’s a hole. Boom. Advantage female gonads. Add that to the list of being way more discrete when aroused and being more fun to play with!

There is no good way to go from talking about chopped off cocks to Rob Dyrdek, so, let’s just start talking to Rob! There’s no more Fantasy Factory, ladies and gentleman. It’s over. Not really because there was one more new episode on tonight, but it’s already happened even though it hadn’t happened yet when they were talking about it, and we all know that Fantasy Factory will live on forever in the land of replays on MTV and MTV2. The interview with Rob was really good and really long and I took about 5 lines worth of notes so I will not be doing it justice and I highly recommend trying to catch the interview on the replay in the morning, or download and listen to it on demand. But anyway, although there will be no more new Fantasy Factory, Rob has a new show of some sort on Fox Sports One involving street skating and it seems to me to be a competition, legitimate sports show that will be an ongoing thing as opposed to a Fantasy Factory/Ridiculousness venture, but it’s awesome that it’s going to be on Fox Sports One because that’s a big deal. Apparently, while all of this was in the works Rob made a call to Dana White (you know, the UFC guy) and asked him to put in a good word for him over at FS1 to which Dana White responded, “Fuck yeah! I’ll call you right back,” and then called him right back and said, “you’re good”. Must be fantastic to have that powerhouse of a fucking human being backing you. Ellis should call Dana White and see if he can get on tv because it’s really only one phone call away. All kidding aside, Rob Dyrdek himself is a powerhouse of a fucking human being who has a great mind for business and branding and is obsessed with his career and may never get married. Wait, what? Ellis asked Rob if he has a girlfriend, which he does not, as he has broken up with the girlfriend pictured on his instagram. Or maybe she broke up with him once she realized that he wasn’t going to marry her. He may never get married because he’s going the Clooney route and is super focused on his career and is not in a rush to settle down with someone because he is not normal. I’m not calling him not normal or abnormal, he called himself that, and frankly, marriage isn’t for everyone and I don’t think that finding marriage less than desirable is all that abnormal. Especially for a rich guy. If shit doesn’t work out with a girl and you’re rich and married, half of your hard earned fucking money goes to her because she agreed to fuck you and then probably stopped fucking you. A man like Dyrdek has a lot on the line for bullshit like that. The other problem may also be that he isn’t dating the right girl because Ellis points out that he tends to date dime pieces who, although super hot, probably don’t match him on an intellectual level. Rob agrees that the perfect girl for him would be a smart girl who is also a dime piece (sorry, I’m taken) and maybe one day he will get married, but maybe not. They talk about Ellis and Wolfknives and getting shit in order and how Ellis could be so much bigger than he already is, but he might want to look into getting a business partner and surrounding himself with more business minded people who can help to execute the awesome ideas that Ellis has. Rob also had a lot of nice things to say about the Crypt Keeper, who also goes by Larry King, saying that he had a deep interview with him and Larry King is a genius. However, he did mention that some time after the interview he did with Larry King they ran into each other at a restaurant and King introduced him as a ‘big snowboarder’. SMH. Even I know that he’s a skateboarder and to be honest, the only other skateboarder I can name is Tony Hawk. They talk a bit about being famous and getting hounded by fans and paparazzi, which doesn’t happen all that much to Rob because he manages to be a low key guy and he knows how to play the game and doesn’t show up at the places where papas are constantly standing watch for famous people to annoy. It also gets brought up that Rob was a huge designed for DC shoes, which I didn’t know but Hubbs did (he basically only wears DC’s), and I thought it was funny cause the Bub just got his first pair of DC’s. Those fucking things were more expensive somehow than the ones that Joe wears, which makes no sense to me because they’re about a fifth the size, but, whatever. But you know what? Rob Dyrdek is awesome, he’s a powerhouse, and if you want to believe that you can do anything, check out the empire that this guy built.

Back from the break there’s another guest in the studio and her name is Alyssa Sutherland and she is from the show that Ellis currently loves on the History Channel called Vikings. And…I dunno if it was just me, but this interview was super fucking awkward. Like. It was bad. Not the interview. The awkwardness. I don’t really think anyone gave Alyssa the heads up on what kind of show The Jason Ellis Show is, but she was pretty touchy about a lot of things. It fascinated me. Like, how did no one tell this bitch what this is all about? It’s like throwing a seal into a tank with a shark and telling the seal that it’s just another fish. Damn. Just…damn. Alyssa is an Aussie who won’t tell Ellis or Tully how old she is, and she used to be a model but is an actress now. She didn’t like being a model all that much because she said it was mind-numbing, but she really enjoys acting and doesn’t like discussing her personal life, which Ellis found out real quick when he asked her if she were single. *Hiss hiss* I don’t know…maybe I just don’t like her. Ellis talks a lot about how she’s super hot, but even manages to offend her with that, and…I really didn’t like her that much. There. I said it. She’s not my kind of girl. Maybe it’s her publicists fault. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. They manage to talk about the show she’s on a little bit, they talk about Vikings in real life, she doesn’t like cats, she used to be in gymnastics…yaddayadda. I can’t. I didn’t like her. Hubbs laughed a couple times, but he didn’t hear the first ten minutes or so of her being on…so I’m not going with him on this one. Ellis straight out called her touchy and Tully said she was being overly defensive…and I agree. She needs to roll with the punches a bit more and then she’ll probably go far. She ended the interview with him by saying, “Thanks for having me and asking weird questions.” Whatever, bitch.

Wrapping up the show there is some Hollywood News involving Rocky- The Musical. Ellis and Tully are not fans of musical theater. At all. They think it’s for old rich people who still think that’s a valid form of entertainment. And now I’m going to get all defensive. Who likes that shit? I like that shit. A lot. I know it’s geeky and dorky and ‘Oh God, you’re one of those‘ but I am a straight up Musical/Theater junkie. I would totally sign up for a life where people broke out into song and dance on a daily basis for next to no reason because THAT SHIT IS FUCKING AMAZING! I have showtunes on my ipod. I acted in them all throughout school as well as doing some outside productions, I have friends who majored in Musical Theater in college, are on Broadway (or Off-Broadway), and full on make a living out of it. Musicals are hands down the shit. And you know what? My daddy digs musicals and so far as I am concerned, he is the voice of God, so that’s all the proof I need that Musicals are next level amazeballs. Matthew McConnaughey talked to Snuffaluffagus (the Canadian Greek Dr. Drew) about how he came up with his ‘Alright, alright, alright’ catch phrase, and Ellis commented about how seeing actors as they really are ruin it for him, and they talk about how George Lopex told Ellen that he has quit drinking after passing out on the floor of a casino. Before you know it, it’s final calls, and people can’t talk on phones.

 

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellisfam Tom was on KCAL9 wearing a Death Death Die T-shirt

There’s something going on outside of the studio- lots of emergency vehicles

Weird Al’s parents died from Carbon Monoxide poisoning and that’s super sad

Any problem can be solved using Ellisfam Google

Cullen is a Bitter Baldy

CumTard is super pumped about his Rogaine shampoo

Rob Dyrdek is so amazing that Ellis even says it when he isn’t around

Rob Dyrdek is going to die at the age of 105 after being shot into space at 104 and hanging out there for a while

Rob Dyrdek is never going to be sold on getting a prostate exam. Ever.

Ellis used to want to achieve ‘paparazzi on his dick’ level fame, but is glad that he doesn’t have to deal with them

NYC turns you into a heartless, tunnel vision, asshole (allegedly)

Alyssa Sutherland was starstruck by Rob Dyrdek

There are creepy dudes in Tully’s neighborhood and his doors are seriously locked

Final caller is so right about Long Island, New York loving TJES (I know, cause that’s where I’m from, you go caller guy)

Final callers really suck still

If you’re going to cheat on your wife, get divorced, you’ll wind up being less of an asshole

Floyd Mayweather may have kidnapped and beaten some guys he thought stole jewelry from his house

Rich people are rich so they can ingest disgusting things like caviar and champagne

Kool Aid is way tastier than Champagne

 

So yeah…hopefully next week I’ll be back to taking notes because I’m not super happy about how this turned out. It may also be that I kind of am hating on Alyssa Sutherland. I don’t hate her, but I think I’m taking out some of my bad mood from yesterday on her. I’m sure she’s a lovely human being…but I would also really like to see a video of her getting blasted in the face by a potato during a food fight. Just sayin.

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

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I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

  •  a copper meditation pyramid for $55
  • a claw predator ring for $125
  • a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
  • a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
  • a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
  • a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
  • a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
  • an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
  • a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
  • a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
  • a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
  • a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
  • a jar of human toenails for $25
  • a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
  • a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
  • a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis

Ellismania.com has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo

 

 

 

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

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It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

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