Tag Archives: Dingo

AKA Luke Trembath

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/22/2013

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Welcome to Monday’s re-cap of TJES! First, a bit of sad news, actor Dennis Farina died at the age of 69 today. And fuck no, he wasn’t most famous for Law & Order. One of my personal favorite lines of his, was when he played Cousin Avi in the movie Snatch, he said:

“Blagged”? Tony, speak English. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.

rawdog_lost_tripping

A festival full of hipsters & neckbeards? Let’s go!

That’s just awesome, and completely true. Anyways, Dingo is here today, back from Jamaica. Rawdog has returned safely. Tully is there, his evil child has let him live to see another day. Of course Ellis is there. Ellis was thinking about heaven the other day, he assumes you can fly and eat cakes, but you won’t get fat because that would make you un-happy. And do fat people become healthy and skinny in heaven? Rawdog caught some shit for all his Instagrams over the weekend, from his trip to Chicago to go to a music festival, by himself. First he doesn’t post enough, then he posts too much, the guy just can’t win. He didn’t make any new friends, but he did try talking to a few chicks and got blown off. However, he did manage to get a large neckbeard that flipped him off. Dingo thinks Rawdog’s girlfriend gets fucked by 15 different dudes a day, but that’s because he doesn’t pay attention to shit. Will posted an Instagram over the weekend as well that ended up spawning a debate if they should fix the squeaky studio door or not.

random_shopping_carts

Fuck Jamaica, you wanna see some crime? Visit East St. Louis.

Dingo got robbed in Jamaica and he says the begging there is probably worse than in Mexico. He tried to tell more stories about Jamaica and a documentary and Snoop Dogg or something, but he can’t tell a logical story to save his paper bag in a contest. I think that’s how the saying goes, right? He also watched the life go out of a goat’s eyes just before he ate that motherfucker, probably not with a nice bottle of chianti though because let’s face it, he’s not very well refined. Dude doesn’t even know Sandy the Squirrel is a squirrel instead of a beaver. Tully wants to hear an animal scream and then eat it. He says it’s because he wants to make sure he’s okay with eating meat, but we all know he’s harboring a murderous rage inside. This brought us back into heaven conversation, whores, virgins, fucking, sucking, snorting, shooting, and the holiest of holes that you may or may not get to fuck senseless during your stay in club heaven.

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Ah, British porn is so fucking hot.

The prince and princess has had their royal baby. That’s right. The whole world has been royally waiting to see what comes out of one woman’s royal vagina. Turns out, it wasn’t an assortment of collectibles and trinkets stolen from Buckingham Palace. Does Obama call Jay-Z his n-bomb? I don’t know how the fuck that or Downzig snuck into the conversation, but they did. This took us into Game of Thrones and I don’t give a royal rat’s ass if there are dragons in that show, I ain’t gonna watch it. A shit ton of convicts, including senior members of al Qaeda who had already been sentenced to death, have broken out of Iraq’s Abu Ghraib jail. So, that’s not good and my ass is guessing that some shit is about to start popping off like a motherfucker. In super gross news, Geraldo Rivera posted a nude selfie to Twitter, saying that 70 is the new 50. He later deleted the photo (don’t worry, it’s in the linked article if you wanna see old ass wang stem) and said note to self, no more posting after 1 AM – which means he was probably poppin’ blue pills and ready for a mean jerk off session. In moto news, Dungey, Villopoto, Reed, Grant, Alessi, and Tickle – bike yeah.

metal_piper

Way more metal than Metallica, it’s the metal piper!

Ellistronic TV started today with Dingo, Katie, and Ellis. It’ll be 3 days a week or less or maybe more or it might go bankrupt, who knows. You can watch it on EllisMania.com and apparently Ellis revealed an uncomfortable story that he’s never said before except to Tully for his 2nd book. Metallica put out another trailer for their new movie while they were at Comic Con, doesn’t that sound like the most metal thing you could ever read? People in New York are paying $400 an hour for consultants to teach their kids how to play with other children. Nick was on the horn, he’s part of the Patriot Guard Riders, the motorcycle enthusiasts created to oppose the WBC and help fend off those vultures from disrespecting the funeral rights of fallen US military personnel. He basically just clarified what exactly the Patriot Guard Riders stand for, what they do, and how they do it.

no_god_no

Right or wrong, it’s time to learn some history and shit.

Then it was time to test everyone’s knowledge of history. Such as the Great Pyramids. How were they built? With the latest in fat chick technology. Why were they built? Because there was no fucking TV back then, life was boring. Now, what about the Cold War? That shit was between America and Russia and it was not about heating coal. It started between Yuri Slobberdickovich and Mike Smith, from Russia and America, respectively. It was basically a big No You Are contest and it ended with Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago. If Rocky can change, and Ivan can change, and Apollo dies, everyone can change! Who was Vlad the Impaler? He invented a muscle car and after dismal sales, Ice Cube told him, “Look homey, you change that name and it’ll sell like that crackrock on them streets.” And that bit of advice gave us the Chevy Impala. The American Revolutionary War was not between The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, but rather it was between America and Britain and dental hygiene. Clearly, we won what that one as well. Pocahontas was the first hot olive skinned chick that the first white man had ever boned, creating an entire group of hot ass models that do cocaine and fuck like only chicks with daddy issues could.

not_now

Batman is getting real tired of your shit.

This led us into more talk about Alessi and all the moto shit with shining lasers in opponents eyes and all that good stuff. That, then, put us into final call territory. But we also got a few other gems, like why hasn’t anyone shot Batman in the face? Then the argument of who wins in a fist fight, Batman or Spiderman? What about Superman? What about having sex with all three of them? And what about a fuck, marry, kill scenario between those three? It seems the consensus is to kill Spiderman, marry Batman because he’s rich as fuck and you could go to some kick ass places / parties, and then fuck Superman because you’ll be flying around having the most glorious sexual experiences in your life. Speaking of Batman / Bruce Wayne. Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they don’t know where home is. :( And why do orphans play tennis? Because it’s the only time they get love. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/16/2013

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twerkin_belly

If you can’t be fit, might as well twerk that belly, son!

Happy Tuesday readers, it’s me, bitPimps, filling in for the birthday boy, shit_toboggan. Have you wished him a happy birthday yet and told him how beautiful his cock is? Fantastic, let’s see what was in store for us today on the show! Did you know that most people have shit on their hands? It’s true. Ellis is running with world champion boxers, not underwear, but actual people. I mean, he probably still wears underwear too, but you get what I’m saying. He feels as tired as Lance Armstrong’s dead ball. Tully thought it was crazy to have a slice of cucumber in his water, turns out though that he now thinks it’s the shit. Big day at Tully’s childhood home in the past. His sister got a piece of brillo pad in her spaghetti, they told the manager and then BAM! Free dessert for the whole family! Who says getting terrible shit in your food has to be a bad thing, right? Tully once hooked up with an Irish chick he wanted his wet American dick because she knew she’d never make it to America. Freedom wad! Wads for peace! Red, white, and wad! They may take our wad, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM! Ok. Did I beat that into the ground yet?

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You may have a nice album cover, but you’re no Jack The Cunt.

Jude stopped on the show today, he’s feeling all inspired now that Ellis is training, Tully is starting his road to fitness, and Rawdog has been doing his workouts. Now Jude’s starting to ramp up his exercise routines and says he started porking out a bit while he was in New York. Jude was banging this chick the other day (he didn’t gas out), his buddy comes over to pick up some pills, so he talked the chick into a threesome with his buddy. He fronted pills to his pal and got him a blowjob from the chick, and then when his friend goes to leave, he says, “you got a bit of belly there!” I assume that dude knows that non-sharing mushroom chick that Rawdog knows. Jude thinks poor people have AIDs, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck poor people. Maybe that’s why Jude got kicked off the Instagrams for the third time. RIP JuderMcDuder. Now that Jude dresses like the oppressor, nobody in Detroit will talk to him anymore, including his friends. First time in the history of the universe we got to hear a new song from Death! Death! Die! (featuring Dingo & Rude Jude), called Jack The Cunt.

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Got my t-shirt mentioned, not used, but a mention is good enough.

A post office in Alabama was evacuated last week after a package started leaking liquid, and some Bamites (?) were rushed to the hospital only to find out the leaking liquid was KY lube. Mayhem was in the news recently, while wielding a knife, he said a comeback to the cage is possible after he has 2 knee surgeries. Speaking of comebacks, Tito Ortiz had posted a now removed post & picture of him on the steps of the Bellator offices and said something inferring he might be fighting for them, but then says “time to look elsewhere”, so who knows. And speaking of t-shirt companies, Ellis is trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Fans of the show can draw up their own designs and if chosen, Ellis will collaborate on it with you and give you some free shit for your troubles! Send your submissions to tshirt@ellismania.com between now and August 15th. Rumor is spreading that Michael Bisping got knocked out while training at Wild Card for being a dick, but that’s just a rumor as of right now. A woman in Tennessee went to see a doctor, and instead of needing a backiotomy, the doctor diagnosed her with “Ghetto Booty.” He gave her some pain pills and then presumably told her shake it like a saltshaker because she got all like “word?” and he was all like “what?” The Onion put out a story that George Zimmerman won the lottery and shitload of people fell for it, not knowing The Onion is a satire news site. A guy in Seattle crashed and 8-year-olds birthday party, stole 2 slices of pizza and some balloon animals like a god damned legend! Apparently there is a Swollen Members song called Kyla and at the very end of the song, you can hear Ellis and others screaming Red Dragons.

So you say you want more news?

It’s Tuesday July 16, 1968 and it’s New Music Tuesday time. And that’s all I can really tell you about it, otherwise it might rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then we’re all fucked. In reality, I can’t tell you because my kid had her iPod stolen so I had to deal with that shit while they were going through NMT. Awesome. Good times, good times. Hollywood news time. And that’s all I can really tell you about that as well, otherwise I’d have to give two shits, and I don’t. And with that, I’ll leave you with this. What did the Mexican get for Christmas? My daughter’s fucking iPod! OH? Nah, that’s not that funny, I’m just mad. Let me try again. An African American boy and his dad are taking a walk on the beach. Suddenly, the boy notices a Caucasian boy and his dad, and the white boy holding his dad’s penis. The African American boy sees this and wants to do the same. So he proceeds to ask his dad, “Daddy, can I hold your penis while we’re walking?” His dad says, “No, you cannot.” “But, please! Let me hold it.” said the boy. The dad replies, “No, I wont let you do that” The boy demands, “I WANT TO HOLD IT, COME ON!” So the dad finally replies, “Okay, okay! But stay where I can see you!” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/15/2013

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rawdog_the_chronic

Thug life.

Holy shit. Did you see Monday’s re-cap of Friday’s show? It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Let’s see if I can do a better job with today’s re-cap! Aaaaand done. There ya go! All I had to do was get the name of the post and date right. HAHAA! Okay, all kidding and razzing aside, lets see what we have in store for us today, or actually. Let’s start with what we don’t have in store for today, Dingo. We got no Dingo today, he’s in Jamaica or some shit. And then we got spoken to about tits, deep, deep underwater, aliens inside of us, and gaping. Angler fish are fucked up looking and they’ll explode if they’re not in the deep, deep underwater depths of the ocean. Are there any monster’s that have fucked to spawn another monster? It appears that yes, indeed, there was a baby Godzilla. Ellis isn’t a dog beater, he’s salty with Burger Ellis, but not all abusey and shit. Bas Rutten is like the Bruce Wayne of southern California. Ellis thinks his ex-wife might be going to clubs full of only rich guys. This brought up rich dudes that pay for a matchmaking service to hook them up with potential wives. Why do these rich guys need a matchmaker? Probably because they’re uber assholes that don’t really care about the other person, they just want a hot trophy to fuck and someone who they can string along by enticing by dangling the all mighty carrot (money) in front of their faces. Ellis thinks Gabe Ruediger will end up backing out of his fight with Ellis, and Ellis says he might just go into a career of boxing once he demolishes him. Oh, and Rawdog recorded a rap single with his little brother, MC Young Yiddishy, over the weekend.

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Look, that’s just badass.

So, that Asiana Airlines crash that happened? They’re going to sue KTVU-TV over broadcast of racist fake pilot names, those being: Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow. Talking about the reporters who were fooled into reading those names, up came the reporter lady that fell while stomping grapes and made funny noises while having the wind knocked out of her. Then there was Trayvon Martin talk, and holy shit I ain’t even gonna get into this shit storm of a discussion. I’m sure there are plenty of outlets for you to read and discuss it if you like. Anyway, that discussion took up the better part of an hour, so let’s see what was next. Over 70 percent of American’s keep their smartphones within 5 feet from them and 12% have used their smartphones while making whoopie. Rawdog’s doggy-style partner, Karla Lane, was on the show today and Rawdog does not want Ellis to put his balls on her. We found out that it’s specifically Ellis that Rawdog has an issue with when it comes to Karla. He’s okay with her career and multiple cocks, but anything to do with Ellis, he get’s super territorial. It seems to be the foreskin, because both Rawdog and Karla have an aversion to it. Rawdog has been doing more doggy style and he also had his first shower sex recently, so shout out to his cockery skills.

That last exchange between Ellis, Rawdog, and Karla re-hashed some feelings from a few weeks ago, what has come to be known as the infamous Chick-Fil-A incident of 2013. Tully thought Ellis was making a bigger deal out of it than Rawdog was, things got a little heated but simmered down fairly quickly and the show moved on. In case you didn’t know, Ellis has an Instagram (@wolfmate) and he got 4,700+ likes on a video of his lizard skateboarding and doesn’t know how he got that many views. And that pretty much wrapped up the show, minus of course all the final callers that still don’t understand that you’re supposed to talk the show out, not ask questions. Speaking of fuctarded people. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?
Only one fifth of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded. OH!

easter_bunny_waits

Sweet dreams childrens!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/8/2013

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writing_re-caps

Here’s me writing today’s re-cap and not giving a fuck.

It’s Mungday, you filthy animals and like sands through the hourglass, so are the graves of our wives – or something like that. Jumping right in, the UFC and MMA, Ellis says some people are saying the Silva vs Weidman fight was a setup and those people are just fucking wrong. Rawdog isn’t on the show today because he has a girlfriend, but Dingo is on the show today because he does not have a girlfriend. One of the interns apparently had a great weekend at Mission Beach and was telling Ellis & Dingo about it like they needed to cancel today’s show and get there right away. Basically he got laid and finger banged a chick until she peed. And then walked in Rawdog after giving blood at the doctor’s office, looking for STD’s. He also had an envelope waiting for him from Canada, it was disguised as shake powder, but was more likely anthrax considering it was the mole people. Apparently his girlfriend (who also fucks other people) tweeted about getting bent over, hair pulled, and being fucked from behind – but he doesn’t want to talk about if he’s done her doggy style, though, clearly he has now. He was also on someone else’s Internet radio show / podcast with his girlfriend, it sounded pretty horrible and boring so if you missed it, don’t fret. Sounds like he also rode a fuckin bike over the weekend. It’s like that whole “race against Tiger Ellis” really got to him.

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Instead of Hollywood news, I give you… THE MERM! A perm with a mullet!

Hollywood news time, George Clooney is single again, doesn’t that make your dick moist? 50 Cent sent some shitty text messages to his 15 year-old son, doesn’t that make your dick dry again? Lauryn Hill is starting her 3 month prison sentence for not paying her taxes, doesn’t that make your dick not care? Jay-Z’s favorite cereal is Cap’n Crunch, Dingo doesn’t eat cereal, doesn’t that make your dick shredded? More important than Hollywood news, Tully flushed his flip cam down the toilet over the weekend, shit got real. There was some more shit, I mean Hollywood news, but who really cares. Time for Rawdog to do his workout and make those sexy grunts of his as a precursor to his even sexier barfing noises. You can tell the testosterone is kicking in because he was telling Dingo to basically fuck off right after his workout. Then he took off his shirt so he could flex and show off all his newly grown stud muscles. One day, I picture Rawdog coming in all jacked up and ready to punch everyone in the dick.

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A man’s breakfast, because we’re manly men!

Holy shit, some soccer referee stabbed a player during a game, then the players beat the shit out of the referee, stoned him, quartered him, behead him, and put his head on a fucking stick. That just upped soccer’s stocks in my book. Planes, trains, and automobiles. All them shits crashed over the weekend, which the only thing more surprising would be that them shits don’t crash more often. Moto news time, some people rode their bikes, someone one, someone else came in second, and some other people crashed and shit. If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I had a busy day at work, missed pieces of the show and am too tired to go back and jot down anything I’ve missed. Sorry ’bout that. Maybe this will help make up for it. KFC might be suing a restaurant in Thailand for replacing Colonel Sanders with Adolf Hitler and calling their shit-kickin’ chicken shack “Hitler.” Ellis bought Rawdog a present, it’s a stamp, of the Jewish star. It’s for when Rawdog does something good, Ellis will give him a little stamp. I can tell you’re still upset about the re-cap today, aren’t you? I know. I know. I’m trying to make it up to you. I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of monster. Maybe this will make you feel better. A man is walking through the woods in a cold morning when he spots a little girl crying. He approaches her and asks “whats wrong, why are you crying?” The little girl looks up, tears glistening in her eyes, and says “My puppy went into the pond and couldn’t get out, so daddy went to get him but the water was freezing and they both drowned, leaving me alone and lost in the woods!” The man further approaches the little girl reaches to touch her shoulder while undoing his fly and says “Well, today just isn’t your day is it.” OH!

Show Re-cap for Monday 6/24/2013

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Happy Fuck Yeah Day!

Happy Fuck Yeah Day!

Happy ‘Fuck Yeah’ Day to you and yours, thanks to the one, the only Young Wing.  It’s true, we no longer refer to today as Monday, but just Fuck Yeah Day, google that shit if you don’t believe me.  While your at, google how fucking sweet hard candies are, especially the red ones per Ellismate, but fuck the Yellow!  Pound for pound, Dingo questioned what hard candy was, I mean fuck bro your grandma has that shit on hand without question, and I should know!  You should know to never trust a hash tag, or any commercials for that matter.  If you do find yourself with millions to spend, just make your own commercial, not advertising anything other than your sweet ass self!  If you have hundreds to spend, you can get a billboard and be sweeter than the majority.  If you find yourself like me with a few singles to drop, will post your shit on NoYouAre, OH!  Sorry that wasn’t funnier, and Tully’s sorry he isn’t sorry.  Meanwhile, Dingo says coke is still raging on the scene, but not like the 80’s – Molly is the new meth in case you were wondering.  What about Rawdog you ask?  he’s sick and on the show, infecting millions of #EllisFam with his Radio Jihad, despite knowing Jason’s rules on bringing Aids into Swinghouse’s Shitbox.  On a much more positive note, Ellismate had one of these this weekend, and it all started with Twitch hooking him up with a free room.  The skinny, moto with the kids who instead wanted to go to Grandma’s, so Movies and room service…..but then Ellis did get to take Tiger to Pala and roll a little, but Young Young Wing rolls a lot and with no regard for Fuck Yeah Day.  Sure he own’s it on a BMX, but this was only his third time riding and he fucked shit up, even putting it to some little girl who couldn’t pass Tiger, despite her ‘Moto Families’ constant push.  Hell of a day  for the little guy I’d say, far from the day Rawdog, the other little guy had on Friday.  Tully brought it up, cause he pissed in the Illusionist’s Puke, and he liked it!  So I ask you America, and Canada, and of the coast of Madagascar, how do you baby sit Rawdog?  Ask if he’s sick today, check if he’s had any chic-fil-a, and make sure he flushes the toilet – atta boy!

 

 

 

key_art_hollywood_newsPaula Dean apologized, a few times, and still didn’t quite get it right.  But turns out thats enough for Rawdog to still eat at her restaurants, zing!  Kanye West and Kim Kardashian blah blah blah blah blah.  Aaron Carter got fucked up.  Jim Carrey is in Kick Ass 2 against his own will.  Vagina is ok in the Ellis house, but not Ass or Dick!  Taylor Swift has a stinky box….would have been a much more successful shirt.  Michael Jackson would have died either way after roughly 60 consecutive days without sleep.  Scottie Pippen beat the shit out of some dude in Malibu.  Justin Bieber is banned from a Vegas Club……a sky diving club!  If you got shit tons of money, you can rent like DiCaprio or Willis’ pad per day or month, but you don’t so fuck off.  Scott Weiland got hitched while Will Smith got ditched from the Independence Day sequels coming soon.

 

 

I am.........Turd Man!

Turd Man and the NYPD working together at last

God Bless You! cause you are that fucking important after all.  What if God did bless you, with one wish, would you ask he “cake you in the right direction”?  Really people, what can God do for you?  If your Rawdog, and you overcome the urge to ask for money cause thats how your wired, you’d obviously want to be taller.  Tully would just ask for money.  Ellismate, his athletical abilities back, and some luscious locks while your at it!  Of course they all missed the most obvious choice, super powers.  The catch, cause there always is, you can’t choose your name.  So no Super Jew, or Jewper Man, nah son your Golem a.k.a. Turd Man!  Now thats outta the way, what to do with these God giving super powers?  If your a fan of Doing Stuff With Rawdog, may I suggest you listen to the replay tomorrow and Bob’s Your Uncle.  Let’s just say the Mexican Drug Cartel and Al Qaeda ain’t sweating shit with this doofus on the loose.  Turd Man not only lacks simple North/South direction, but he couldn’t find water if he fell out of your mom’s anus.  From bullets ricocheting and killing civilians to somehow only the United State of Delaware surviving Tully’s wrath, truly a good time for all those involved!  Oh, and you get a bonus Rawdog workout segment too with a generous and well deserved round of applause, you furry mother fucker you!

 

 

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Purple Limp Erections Are Kinda Godly!

Penis Pumps, Dick Pills, and do any hair restoring products truly work?  Yeah you may wanna just stop after the last segment if you do catch that replay I was telling you about, but when in Miami!  Penis pumps will get you that nice cold numb purple limp boner you’ve been looking for cause penis pumps fucking rule!  Viagra is ten times better, so just on math alone Viagra fucking rules!  No one really called on the hair care tip, but there were certainly enough Rawdog pity party pussies on the phones to fill the void.  From there, straight ass n booze, I mean another Ellis and Rawdog war of words.  Those two argue like brothers, or little girls, or your mom n dad when I forget my socks again.  You see, its kinda like Bobby Fisher and your grandmother battling over a grueling game of chess, with the inevitable God giving super powers waiting in the wings for the champion to seize and abuse.  Now your grandmama ain’t ever been known to win even a game of checkers, but on this said day, well let’s just say thats how she always knows when and where Turd Man, or just a turd in general is going to be, OH!