Tag Archives: Cumtard

The Jason Ellis Show Target Practice Number 3

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Guess who is back serving up devastating lyrics and taking target practice on TJES crew again. Yup, @CassetteCoast. You’re probably already familiar with him, if not, you should be. This is the same man that blew each and every one of us away with his first two submissions to the “Unsigned Bands” segment on the show. For reasons unknown, his track didn’t get played on today’s segment. But hopefully it will be played on a future installation of “Unsigned Bands”. Since we’re all clambering to hear what kind of hell he unleashed for his 3rd Target Practice track, let’s get right to it and find out!

TJES Target Practice No. 3 by CassetteCoast

Download (link to MP3)

Lyrics:
-ok that unemployed Jew boy don’t matter much so let’s pass him up
-rawdog done got hauled off so Kevin Kraft batter up
-I mean Cumtard ur like a dumb broad that gets pumped hard and acts stuck up
-and u say u ain’t into anal but ur famous off of that butt chugging
-I mean what the fuck dog own up u went and got ur grundel all toned up
-u stupid hoe u produce the show man who’d u blow to get blown up
-I bet $20 down on Pendarvis both of y’all is retarded
-stop popping off about conference calls we ain’t falling for all of that garbage
-bitch y’all fuckin full homo hang a lanyard off of that pogo
-who can it be the Alabama queen up in a vat of beans in that photo
-somebody get dingo some clean clothes somebody get rude Jude on Drew soon
-somebody get Christian Hands Brian griffin ass up out the seat I’m bout to fall asleep
-I like Tully tho but for the sake of the song fuck that hoe in the face with a long
-dick and 2 balls rip the roof off his mothafuckin mouth when it ugh splooge off
-I Love Me Girl was as bad as a bag of nasty ass wrapped up in a pack of maxi pads
-stashed up Josh daddy’s faggot ass
-oh no that’s a low blow and a F bomb I know Jason prolly got sumn to say
-well he’s Trey Canards big stinky poopy at least that’s what his son would say
-I guess Princess Leia don’t like me now but he gon hate me more in a second
-I done got 311 Beck and Offspring to all join the board of directors
-nigga I’m hood as fuck and even I know better Cadillac Coast won’t drive no Jetta
-I’ll take a ride on that Katy train or get Shannon Guns on my dangalang
-man I’m through it’s been coo I’m fitna let y’all do what y’all do
-and if you got a guest on the show today what’s up bitch fuck you too

Show Recap for Wednesday 2/19/2014

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#TheAwesomeGuideToLife Just keep tweeting it…we’ll get it trending. If you don’t do it…I might not love you anymore. Just sayin.

Ellis opens up the show today with some crazy cat meow trippy background going on, because why the hell not, and he’s been thinking about how easy it is for him to do radio. Seriously. He shouldn’t be allowed to drive, but he doesn’t think that there’s any harm in him being allowed to do a radio show. He’s also gonna go ahead and call bullshit on animals that people say can talk, like whales and dogs, and things like that, because they can’t really talk, guys. Yeah they make all sorts of weird noise and faces and we like to think that they are talking to each other and to us, but they aren’t. They’re animals. They’re dumb. Dogs are gonna be happy when you give them food not because they were asking you for food, but because they’re dogs and they’re dumb and they’ll eat that motherfucking food even if they aren’t hungry and they’ll get fat and dumb(er) and shit. Well…my dog won’t eat if he isn’t hungry…but I’m weird and thereby so is he. And when it comes to whales and them talking to each other, no they don’t! Whales are super dumb! They get themselves into crazy situations where they wind up on beaches and die because they can’t get back off by themselves. Ellis starts wondering if whales beach themselves because they are depressed because all of their whale-talking isn’t working to attract a fe-whale to bone (see what I did there?) and they just want to end their life…but no, probably not, because Tully says that you have to be intelligent to know that you suck and be depressed about your life enough to want to kill yourself and end up a beached whale. It would be cool to see whales jumping in real life though. Like…really real life, not on television…and Ellis wonders where you can go to see something like that? The Antarctic? The Arctic? Turns out that you can see whales jump around in both of those places, but you can’t see Penguins in the Arctic and you can’t see Santa in the Antarctic- they are mutually exclusive fuckers. So that means, as Tully says, that Santa has never seen a penguin, and no penguins have ever seen Santa. That’s kinda sad. But what would penguins even think of Santa? Are they colorblind? Would they just think that he’s some big, disformed, albino penguin? Hmmmm…

This somehow turns into Tully saying that he kind of misses chasing girls around aka ‘The Hunt’. He’s met girls who seemed mysterious and smart, but they really just knew when to not open their mouths to reveal that they were dumb as rocks, but that illusion was shattered at one point where one of these chicks got high and then it was just kind of funny. Oh weed…evening the playing field in the past, present, and for years to come. But Tully misses chasing girls around and flirting and kissing and all of that nonsense, probably because he’s married and doesn’t remember how shitty so much of it really is, but he is quick to say that he definitely doesn’t miss it enough to ditch his current lifestyle of being a hubby and a daddy to go and spend his nights getting drunk and chasing tail. Good save, Tully, good save. Ellis talks about how he is allowed to flirt (because Katie is awesome and really is the perfect woman for him) but he usually doesn’t take the flirting all that far because it just isn’t worth it. In the end, they also have to keep in mind that chasing girls now would be different than chasing girls then because now the girls are all older and shit (because they aren’t creepy and aren’t going to go out and chase 20 year olds) and that’s a game changer.

Ellis posted a new video to Ellismania.com last night, of him going off of a ramp and getting shit-whipped. He says that he had about an 80% chance of making it, but then he didn’t, and got knocked the fuck out. He was having fun right up until the lights went out, which is the important thing, and the only reason that he was there was because it was his home ramp (even though it wasn’t the same ramp anymore and was just in the same spot) and he was mostly out of the skating game at that point, but he was on the tour because he was still a fun guy to be around. On the plus side, after being knocked out he woke up in the hospital to a nurse giving his balls a nice warm sponge bath. For the win.

Ellis was on Frank DeCaro’s radio show this morning talking about his book with Frank and Doria. Tully asks Jason what it was like and Ellis gives the wonderful description that the Frank DeCaro show is a lot like The Jason Ellis Show, just more gay. Which really, is a glowing review when you think about it, because Ellis has no hate for gay people. He did say that he felt that it was the best interview that he did for his book, The Awesome Guide to Life, so far because Frank already knows him (which probably means all that bullshitty small talk was over with pretty quick) and because it’s on satellite radio they could have a real conversation about it. On terrestrial radio the subtitle of the book gets bleeped out…and that’s just lame as fuck if you ask me. Or Ellis. I’m sure that he thinks that’s lame as well. Tully and Ellis start talking about Frank DeCaro and how he’s really sort of a 70 year old man in a slightly younger man’s body because he’s into tons of old fashioned shit and owns cookbooks written by celebrities that neither Ellis or Tully have really ever heard of. Tully, however, does think that he’s a lot like Frank because he tends to have, what he calls, the Entertainment Taste of a Gay Man. Why? Well, maybe because when he went to put on Bob the Builder for DudeMan this morning so he could catch a couple extra winks, his DVR was simultaneously recording Frasier and The Golden Girls. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ellis then starts pressing a bunch of buttons and we hear songs, kitty meows (that may or may not be CumTard), and after hitting a button containing Andy Dick, Tully mentions that Mr. Dick is going to be doing a cameo for Sharknado 2 along with a shit ton of other celebrities who want to cash in, and is also going to be starring Mark McGrath. Killer Karaoke is going to be premiering tomorrow, so Tully makes the suggestion that they should DVR it on the studio’s TV since they have the capability of doing that, but CumTard shows up to shoot that idea down. Why? Because the board needs to be reconfigured to handle this new DVR power and at this point they’d only be able to either see or hear what was going on. Will is the only person who knows how to configure the board and he’s on the phone. CumTard keeps telling Tully that the DVR is good to go and Tully asks, “how can you say it’s ready to go, but we can’t use it?” and the crickets start chirping because there is no equivocating that question. That’s okay though, because Will puts his call on hold to ask Tully what he wants accomplished and without missing a beat tells Tully that it will not be a problem to get it worked out in time for Killer Karaoke’s premiere. Hi-five Wilson, for making things happen.

Tully tells Ellis that The Awesome Guide to Life seems to be doing well, and Ellis mentions that he wants people to take cool pics with the book so that he can retweet them like Jude is doing with Hyena, because that’s a really good idea. This is where Ellis actually mentions that the interview that he did with Frank DeCaro was the best one, but it fit better two paragraphs ago, and then they start talking about how the gay community seems to be more up to date with how people talk which is why Frank wasn’t offended by the shit that Ellis said in the book, and that the regular media is just way too uptight about all of this shit. Tully goes off on a mini rant about ‘traditional media’ and how they are a bunch of robots who all look the same and act the same and wear the same clothes and have the same views to establish some false sense of normality that they preach to people and make everyone watching them want to emulate their standard of normal so as to not be considered ‘weird’ and how the tide is currently turning due to the internet and everyone’s ability to directly interact with one another and go, “hey wait, everyone is really fucking weird”. But there are still people who are trying to hold on to that traditional media way of life and picture of normality which is where some of the backlash for AG2L comes from, because Ellis talks like he talks and says shit and dick and chick and whatever, but the ‘weird’ out there has the numbers to really make this a fight. Plus, everyone should remember that the mainstream media- the news shows, the late night shows, they are mostly geared toward the 50+ community who have only known this ‘standard of normal’ (that doesn’t actually exist) and yeah…fuck normal. They take some calls and Caller Aaron is mad that his friend lies about cross dressing while high on Crystal Meth and Ellis and Tully think that Aaron should be more concerned about the whole Crystal Meth part of that sentence. Caller Louie (and his wife) call because they’re having a debate about the sexual preferences of people who cross dress and Ellis and Tully lay down the wisdom that cross-dressing doesn’t make you guy, having sex with someone of the same sex is probably more what makes you gay (the wife won the debate). A couple other callers call about things that make you gay or mean you’re gay and then Caller Curtis calls. Caller Curtis is a first time caller and first time show listener who decided to give TJES a listen after hearing Ellis on the Frank DeCaro show this morning. He is a gay man and imparts the following wisdom to Ellis, Tully, and all of us listeners: being gay isn’t what you do, it’s who you are inside. Boom. Claps for Curtis. Caller Bob asks Ellis how many drag shows he’s been to, and Ellis has been to one in America, a bunch in Australia, and he went to the Tranny Awards over the weekend. The caller thinks that this is funny and Ellis shoots him off. Ellis says that he doesn’t mind drag shows, but he doesn’t like it when they fake sing, but Tully would probably be all over that so long as they don’t suck. A caller then calls and asks if a person in prison has sex with other dudes because he’s in prison and has no other options is gay…and it really depends…and Tully doesn’t have a solid answer. He regales us with a short tale about when he was in a long dry spell and he would get drunk and go on Craigslist for casual encounters because he was so desperate for beave, but in that time he never considered going to a gay bar where he probably could have gotten laid for sure. Prison sex happens, but Tully doesn’t really get it.

Back from the break (and yeah…all of that shit went on before the first break…this was not a show of many breaks) there’s a guest on the phone! Who is it? It’s Patrick ‘Durkin’ Cummins. If you don’t know who that is, don’t feel bad because I had no fucking idea either, but he is the guy who is currently slated to fight on the card in UFC 170 against Daniel Cormier after an injury knocked out Rashad Evans. Cummins is 4-0 but has no UFC fights under his belt. Ellis tells him that he is about to be a super star and then asks what he was doing prior to getting signed to the UFC a couple of days ago. Cummins tells Ellis how he was working two jobs as a Barista (he can make a heart out of your espresso, adorable) and as a Security Guard. Even if Cummins doesn’t win the fight against Cormier he will remain in the UFC as he has signed a multi-fight deal, but if you ask Cummins, he will tell you that he is going to win. He’ll also tell you that he’s fought/sparred with Cormier before and in that scrap he dropped him on his head and made him cry. Cummins feels that he has the cardio that Cormier doesn’t and while Cormier might be able to take him in a four minute fight, a fifteen minute UFC event is where Cummins is going to come out on top. He says a couple of times that he has nothing to lose, but Ellis points out that he has everything to gain and Cormier has a lot to lose, so it might motivate him to rip Cummins’ head off. Cummins also points out that Cormier has a lot more weight to cut than he does, and that he previously (Olympics) has had trouble cutting weight and he has to cut even more weight here. All in all, Cummins comes off as a determined but very affable guy, and I sort of hope he wins because he reminds me of my friend Dr. Marc who is like a big muscley puppy. Tully tells Cummins that he will be putting thousands of dollars that he doesn’t have on him to win so, you know, no pressure. You can follow Patrick Cummins on twitter if you want @officialdurkin, and you know that you do, in fact, want.

Off the phone, Will is instagramming himself with The Awesome Guide to Life, which is something that you should get on doing. Taking pics with the book, I mean, not being Will in their studio…because Ellis wants to retweet those pics!!! Speaking of The Awesome Guide to Life, Tully is started to get less fake angry and more real angry over the negative reviews coming from females in regard to the book. Why? Because it’s increasingly apparent after reading GQ’s article that these women aren’t even actually reading the book. They are being spoon fed random sentences and reacting out of context, which is just…bullshit. Although, as Tully points out to Ellis, being on GQ’s radar kind of means that you’re making it. Ellis says that he isn’t offended by people who are offended by him, because he gets it. He’s an asshole. He doesn’t sugar coat things. He is trying to be more understandable to women (of women?) but he’s doing it for himself, not for his critics or anyone else. We all know where I stand on this one. Tully points out that the book sort of allows readers to live vicariously through him, and it’s impossible that some of the people reviewing the book have actually read it because it is ridiculously apparent that this is a humorous book from an extreme guy living an extreme lifestyle. He is not telling everyone to go out and sleep with strippers and prostitutes. Get over yourselves negative reviewers. The Awesome Guide to Life is in the #1 slot on two separate Amazon lists though…so…wooo!!!! And ELLIS NEEDS MORE PICS WITH THE BOOK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!?!?! Oh wait, there’s one of the book next to an Ellismate tattoo, who’s that from? It’s from Jenni. Boom. Yeah…I just recapped Ellis mumbling my name. Tully said Hubbs’ tattoo was sweet. DoubleBoom.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack- Billy Ray Virus, President Death, Mr. Chick, Spreewell Menses, Captain Banana Trousers, Emergency Tits, Mr. FuzzyBottom, Mrs. BottomFuzz, Phil Myassin (With Dicks), The Polish Dinosaur, The Black Asian, JohnnyJohnny FuckFuck, Heavy Fingering, Neck Toddler, Napalm Turd, I Eat People, The Fart Whisperer, Fuck My Face, Frozen Shitknife III, and the Fifth Metallica. These were some epic fucking names and I almost didn’t get them all because I was laughing so hard. Captain Banana Trousers!!!!!! Amazeballs.

Back from the second break Tully reminds us all that he and Ellis are doing one of those Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) sessions tomorrow (Thursday 2/20/14) starting a 9:30AM Pacific Time, which is 12:30PM Eastern Time, and if you’re somewhere in between…add or subtract an hour as needed. The book is out. It’s real. It’s happening. I don’t know much about AMA’s, but with the anything goes questions, I’m sure it will be super interesting. There was supposed to be a game starting straight back from the break, but they aren’t ready because all of the contestants aren’t there, so CumTard gets his Bummy face kicked out of the studio for now. Ellis and Tully play a video shot by a dad who is sitting in his car and watching kids fall on patches of ice. Tully makes a couple of jokes about not knowing what the white stuff is because he’s a dick and he thinks 50 degrees is cold. It was 45 degrees out in New York today and I was like “Oh my fucking God, thank you for making it warm outside!” The dad doesn’t try and warn anyone about the ice, nor do the kids who are also standing around watching it happen also, and yeah, we’re all a bunch of assholes, because I saw that video and it was funny as hell. Ellis brings up Ronda Rousey and how her father killed himself when she was 8 and how it’s really tempting to think about how that affected her and maybe attributed to her current personality, but her mother was also a Judo Olympian famous for her arm-bars, so maybe Ronda was always going to be insanetastic (yeah, I won’t insult a bitch who can kill me). Tully asks what if she’s too good and there is truly no one who can even come close to beat her? Every great fighter needs a good rival, right? What if Miesha Tate is the best of the rest? Ellis thinks that there has to be someone out there who can beat her and Miesha did give her a pretty good run the second time around, just like there’s someone who can beat Anderson Silva- although apparently Anderson Silva can beat himself (Oh! Too soon? I don’t care! That was all Hubbs and I died laughing). CumTard came up with a short video of a little Russian girl walking on ice for the first time…since they’re just looking for ways to take up time until the game is a go, and all you hear is the girl crunching along on the ice until whack! Her head hits the ground. Ouch. In other news, the UFC and Dana White are talking about uniforms becoming a thing. Some people are having a shit fit over it, but Ellis and Tully are okay with it. Whatever. Lastly (at least for the purposes of this recap) archeologists (probably) have recently unearthed a 200 year old douche! Exciting, right? It was made out of an unidentified mammal bone and was found in Manhattan in the original city hall grounds/ruins/whathaveyou and they’re thinking that they basically uncovered the aftermath of a pretty bitching party because douches were the contraception of choice back in the day and it was found among empty bottles of booze and food containers. WooHoo!

Time for the game! Which is Smell! That! Dick! Wait…what? Well…seems like CumTard is going to do some CumTarded dick sniffing while wearing a Borat style unitard where his own junk is half falling out, much to the chagrin of Tully and Ellis. CumTard sniffs 3 anonymous dicks and tries to place their race…and he is correct. He squeals a couple of times and gets scared about dick hitting his face, but he accurately identifies a white dick, a Spanish dick, and some sort of dip (because there was no third dick available). The dick’s belong to Joanna Angel’s boyfriend who I only know by his twitter handle @the_small_hands and Foxxy @Foxxy702. They hang out in the studio for a while and talk some shop, including confirming that if CumTard had to have sex with any of the dick contestants it would, indeed, be Foxxy. There is some accusations of CumTard being a raging homophobe thrown out by Ellis, but Foxxy comes to CumTard’s defense and says that she doesn’t believe that because they are buds. They talk about CumTard needing to get his style together a little bit more, and Ellis tells him that he needs to stop wearing clothes that are too big on him to try and hide his fat because that just makes him look fatter. They all agree that he should look into dressing like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons who would gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. Ellis asks Foxxy if she thinks that calling Trannies ‘Tranny’ is offensive, and she says that she doesn’t find it offensive, but she knows that some people do take it negatively, although she doesn’t understand why. They talk about Ellis going to the Tranny awards and Foxxy informs Ellis that the older guys who just wear a dress and lipstick and don’t go all out are considered more cross dressers or transvestites as opposed to being Trannies because it’s something they do for a special occasion and it isn’t the life that they live.

Back from the third break, Tully lets us all know that Friday is Chad Reed day!!! All listeners are invited to join in on the celebration by writing poems about good old Chad Reed. You can call in the show on Friday and try and get on air to read your poem, or you can write a poem to email to SubmitToEllis@gmail.com and have it read on the air for you. Make them good ones, guys!!!! It’s going to be a hell of a day!!! Then Will is in the studio for some sort of reason and sees CumTard half in his unitard and says how he was trying to avoid seeing him in the whole unitard because, I’m sure, he has seen enough frightening things in his lifetime. But, Tully shows him the pic of CumTard unitarding around with the book and Will asks that he ‘take it away’.

And then my Sirius App died. I feel like I really can’t be that mad at it, because it did a hell of a lot better this week than it did last week (thank goodness). I sent a tweet out to the tweeterverse asking what happened in approx. the last 20 minutes of the show and I was told by the one, the only AZ_RedDragon “Ummmm, after I was rockin my balls off to Danzig, they did some shit, it was funny, then final calls, not so funny #MyAppDiedToo”. So…there you go :)

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s not Christmas, it’s The Jason Ellis Show

The hunt is better than the kill

Will Pendarvis is really just an incarnation of Joe Cocker

There are so many reasons not to do meth

A Normal person knows what they want and are able to get it without sabotaging themselves and hurting other people, according to Tully

If you find your son wearing a dress and masturbating to his own reflection, you might want to keep an eye on his Facebook page

Buffalo Bill shit is abducting fat chicks, starving them until they’re skinny, and making clothes out of their skin- for the record

The second you (a guy) pinpoints the ‘hot guy’, you’re probably gay

No gay man wants to have sex with a guy in an Affliction shirt

Ellis and Tully are ahead of their time

Cary Hart and Chad Reed both had back surgery today

Children are savages

Look out for Booze and Douching- the new song from HateBean

Tully got to use real shampoo this morning but only has a banana for a snack

The media is distracting you with Shia LeBouf and Obamacare because they don’t want the truth to get out about Surf Rage

Farts say more words than Dolphins

CumTard thinks he has the body of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He doesn’t. He has the body of Master Splinter.

There should be more Trannies at the Golden Globes, because then the Golden Globes would be interesting.

Tweet your Awesome Guide To Life pics to Ellis @Ellismate he will be picking a pic of the week every week and the person who took that pic is gonna get hooked up

Go buy Awesome Guide to Life if you haven’t done it already! It’s amazing! I finished it yesterday and you’ll be hearing my thoughts on it soon!!!!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 2/10/2014

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trying_to_laugh

Tully isn’t there, but Shoebox can be pretty funny, right?

Until now, you have remained safe. Wait. That’s old. Until now, it was just Monday. Now it’s Monday with TJES, so that makes it a little better, right? So quick roll call reveals the following: My adopted father (Tully) is not there today, in his place is Christian James Hand (Shoebox), and since it is Monday, Dingo is there as well. So straight off the bat, the show is already missing Tully as nobody can figure out how to put video up on the monitor. Will’s off gallivanting with Comedy Central for some reason unrelated to the show. And Sam Rubin got bitch slapped by Samuel L. Jackson because he mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. What a fucking hemorrhoid. So of course being his own biggest fan, Sam had to call TMZ to attack them over his utterly foolish fuck up. Again, what a fucking hemorrhoid. Dingo tried to stick up for Sam, but that’s like having a serial rapist speak on your behalf during your tax evasion trial – not gonna help. Especially when Dingo can’t distinguish between Laurence Fishburne, the entire Wayons family, Michael Clarke Duncan, Terry Crews, all blacks, all gays, and Jim Carey. Amazing. Also, his mother is not racist and looks better than Mickey Rourke.

take_it_from_fresh_prince

You know who understand you and your mom & dad issues? This guy.

Ellis finally confronted his Dr. Drew TV femnazi anti-fan on Twitter, she thinks he’s a sexist and keeps trying to rally other dumb bitches to get behind her hate bullshit. Speaking of twats, Mum Ellis texted Son Ellis over the weekend, putting son in a bad mood. She called, lost his address and wanted to know what Tiger is into. She follows him on Instagram and shit, and everyone knows what Tiger is into, except her apparently. Ellis calls her back, tells Mum his address, tells her what Tiger is into and just wants off the phone, he was cold with her because of all their past. Mum asks him what people back home would think of him and he doesn’t give two shits about what those fuckers think about him. Couple days go by, she sends him a text basically apologizing for his childhood, says his lack of care and love for her is breaking her heart, she can’t take it anymore, wishes him all the best, and will now get out of his life, though her door is always open to him and his children. Ellis is still too pissed off about all the bullshit he put up with his childhood, that was part of her doing as his mother, and he’ll continue to go to therapy to try to deal with his past.

so_i_wrote_words

Dingo has no idea what is going on and could care less.

Cumtard brought us back in from break with a kooky “Hey!” Not like how Frank DeCaro says it, but like a whack-a-doody morning radio turd. He came in with a story about Michael Sam, the former Missouri defensive end who is an NFL prospect, coming out saying that he is gay. This could make him the first openly gay man being drafted into the NFL. According to Dingo, this is Terry Crews. Black guy story time, when Ellis came to America, he went through a drive-thru to get some food, a homeless black guy came up to him and Ellis couldn’t understand his blaccent and was just amazed at how black he was. The next day he was wondering why people are so racist against black dudes but okay with buying Volvos. Cool story, huh? Look, nobody ever said the story had to make sense, be related to the news story, or have a point. Christian Hand had a blaccent issue once with Charles Barkley, he thought he was talking about nipple weights – turns out Barkley was talking about ping pong tables. I mean, you could see how easily the two could be confused, right? Game time, not gay NFL black guy game, but a game about metal – since Cumtard and Katie are into metal. Maybe they’re into gay potential NFL players as well, I don’t know, but that’s not the point. So basically, we’re going to be listening to some metal songs and see how long they can stand to listen to each track, with tracks being picked by Katie or Cumtard. Whoever’s track picks have been listened to the longest, wins. Turns out Katie and Cumtard are both into metal bands that are heavily influenced by J R R Tolkien, and Dingo’s completely confused so he gets some alone time with his phone. So when the pretend Hobbit smoke cleared, Katie was the clear winner as her tracks got played much longer than Cumtard’s flimmity-flam-sham-squibble-de-doink track picks.

glass_case_of_emotion

Ellis being tortured by having to do radio while 3 porn chicks are naked in studio.

Back from break with 3 sets of titTAYs in the studio. Why are they in the studio, because that’s what AJ McLean wants, call it a birthday gift. He also wants to take you down, take you down to Butt Town. There’s all kinds of vagina being flashed around the studio by Natasha Starr (who Dingo thinks likes chocolate – not choking), Dillion Harper, and Alexa Aimes and they’re drinking champagne, so things should get pretty… loose – if you catch my drift. AJ took over the captains chair while Ellis took his spot so he could concentrate on the show have a naked porn chick on his lap and sit in semi-silence with a semi-boner. AJ likes his naked chick surprise, but he thinks it would’ve been more surprising if Ellis, Dingo, and Christian were naked in the studio. Let him take you down, take you down to Butt Town – know what I’m sayin’? AJ brought in a gift as well, an Anvil iPhone case, which of course needed to be rubbed on some porn pussy, because that’s how all phone cases are tested. Ellis keeps getting distracted by two porn chicks playing with each other on the couch and Dingo is distracted by his phone and AJ, who wants to take him down, take him down to Butt Town. There was something about AJ’s horrible tribal tattoo that he got done in a German hotel from a guy named Skeletor. No word on if he was taken down, taken down to Butt Town.

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Don’t like my recap? Deal with it.

The bus for Butt Town just left, it took the chicks with it. But it dropped off some crazy stalker at the stop, who was arrested for coming back to stalk Paris Hilton, this time with tattoos of her on his body. Dingo knows all about Beats By Dre, how they’re made, who all was involved making them, including the people on the assembly line, and he thinks there’s a good possibility he get Ellis a headphone sponsor, because why the fuck not, right? According to Dingo, Christian’s ex-girlfriend still loves him and asks about him an absurd amount. Christian thinks he’s full of shit, but the Dingo swears it’s true, which is pretty much like the gospel of God, so you know that shit is more than true – it’s the troof. Christians current girlfriend refuses to lick his ass, unless it’s a super special occassion, and she also refuses to go see the new Lego movie with him, so he’s gonna lick his own ass and go see the new Lego movie by himself. So Chad Reed wrecked this weekend, sounds like he got injured in that crash but he’s a god damn man that can take that shit, plus he eats his Reedies, the cereal of men, so he’s not even sweating that shit. Yet. Someone called asking about Rawdog (seriously) and Ellis says he’s over it. Apparently Rawdog tried to talk some shit and get Ellis and the show in trouble on his way out, which obviously didn’t go over well with Ellis and crew. Dingo however did see him on the skreets, walking into a McDonald’s. Seriously, Dingo fucking sees and hears all, he knows everyone. Matter of fact, you wouldn’t have been born if Dingo didn’t convince your mom to let your dad take her down, take her down to Butt Town, so you can thank Dingo for even being alive. Since I know you’re wondering, but are too afraid to ask Dingo, I’m going to answer the question you’ve dying all day to ask. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!

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Gotchya!

Show Recap for Thursday 2/6/2014

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Welcome to this Thursday’s recap of The (ever wonderful) Jason Ellis Show!!! I will open with the same words of wisdom that Ellis himself opened with this afternoon (or noon on the west coast) and say, “uhhhh…” Boom. Take that, Nietzsche, you mother fucker. Opening the show Ellis talks about how he is now the kind of guy who drives around with a dress shirt in the back of his car, because he is a man of many faces. Also, he doesn’t really get how all those business guys hang the shirt in the back of the car, because it creates a big blind spot and is dangerous, and he drives a Porsche and there isn’t a hook over the back passenger windows like in lowly sedans. But Ellis really is a man of many faces! He has 3 faces in fact- his RadioFace, his SuperDadFace, and his TVFace. His SuperDadFace has been out in full force with the kiddies, so much so that he’s pretty sure that his kinds are going to have bruised armpits from all of his poking and tickling and wrestling around. Speaking of wrestling, at one point Tiggie drop kicked SuperDadFace and managed to hit Devin in the process, which probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal, except she has rubber bands on her back teeth because she is getting braces. Tomorrow. Which sort of sucks, but Tully and Ellis agree that it’s better to get braces over with when you’re young, and at least she has the kind of parents that can afford to give her braces. Also…the ganked up teeth is totally Mummy’s fault. So there. Driving through the backstreets of Beverly Hills SuperDadFace noticed that some people in Beverly Hills are so rich that they’re houses are entire streets and they have driveways with statues and shit. But…that’s also kind of lame because if you have that much money why the fuck would you bother with statues and lame waterfalls and not install wave pools? Because the rich is wasted on the rich, and youth is wasted on the young, is the explanation that Tully provides and everypone agrees because Tully is like the fucking oracle of The Jason Ellis Show. Although…he admittedly stalks out BitPimps on twitter on the reg…so actually…BitPimps is the Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show and Tully just does a really good job of stealing his thunder. Back from my tangent and on to the tangent that was actually on the show: Michael Jackson was a seriously rich person and he had the idea right when it came to trying to buy cool and fun toys to have a grown up version of a little kid playland, but he sort of sucked in the execution and picked out bad toys. Really…he had a carousel and little boys aren’t interested in carousels…Mikey J should have had a construction site up in Neverland!!! Duh.

Ellis then wants Jetta to come into the studio and doesn’t want to yell for Jetta, but he also can’t find the Jetta button which he knows exists, but can’t find. So, Jetta!! Where is the Jetta button? Cumtard then comes in to tell where the Jetta button is and explain why it’s there instead of on the main page (it’s on show drops) and when Ellis presses it he decides that the Jetta button is too long or, as Tully puts it, it burns the listener’s ear, and they talk about Jetta being a white boy show pony and decide that his new button needs to be the creepy little boy from the Jetta commercials that goes “Zoom zoom” as it has the added entertainment bonus where Ellis and Tully can try to convince people that Jetta is the grown up version of that creepy little boy. Oh, and the THC Google button is awesome. Of course. Ellis then talks about how he wants to be sponsored by RockStar Energy because then he could have one of the RockStar Energy pole dancer girls in the studio on a pole dancing and occasionally kicking people in the head, because that would be awesome.

Somehow they get on the subject of Carey Hart and how he keeps having to have back surgeries because his back is absolutely trashed from riding moto. The man literally sacrificed his health and trashed the shit out of his back to further the sport and it’s amazing and sad at the same time, because he is years from being a competitor in the game and he is still suffering from it, as well as having the stress of Team RCH and Hart and Huntington, as well as being a daddy and a hubby and not taking any pain killers because he wants to be able to feel his face. Tully and Ellis talk about how it’s really hard to win in the long run with action sports and be set for life as a result of making a name for yourself. In fact, Tully brings up that it seems to be kind of hard for people in any sport to be set for life just for playing and brings up examples from Baseball where all these famous baseball players had side jobs in the off season and then after retiring sold cars and shit. Of course there are always that handful that are super famous and get tons of endorsement deals and don’t piss away all of their millions…but there are many more who have to be working schlubs like the rest of us once the cameras don’t want to look at their faces anymore. Except Joe Rogan, who is winning at the game of life. He is the winner of the winners of the game of life. In case you were wondering. They decided this after he tweeted something, but I missed what he tweeted because I impaled the roof of my mouth with a blunt object and started bleeding all over the place…and that is what I consider a legitimate excuse. Especially because I was driving when this happened and all I said to Hubbs was, “I need paper towels” and then spat blood all over the steering wheel. I am a hardcore bitch.

On the subject of sports, it’s that time of every two years again…the Winter Olympics!! Does anyone really care about the Olympics anymore? Ellis doesn’t. Tully doesn’t. I don’t really care either, if you were wondering…so no…none of us important people care. Hahaha…see what I did there? It seems like the only reason people care all that much this year is because they are in Russia and Russia made a big deal about hating gay people (because…Russia) and there are all sorts of shady Olympic things going down in the Olympic village as there are no locks or doorknobs on a lot of the hotel doors, you can’t flush the toilet paper OR fish in the toilet, and….how the fuck did the Olympics wind up in Russia again? Ummm…no one really knows, but it is the opinion of Tully and the Dingo that it’s because the Olympics are pretty fucking suspect and there was probably some money changing all sorts of hands. Ellis thinks that it’s a bit weird that people still care about the Olympics when it’s a big sham and says that the Olympics are like a shady version of the X-Games, which is kind of weird considering usually the younger things are the more weird, offbeat, suspect things. Irony at work, people. Tully thinks that the Olympics used to be way more entertaining back when he was 7 because when he was 7 there were only 5 channels on television and it was something different to watch, but that isn’t the world we live in anymore. Entertainment has gotten better and the Olympic Rings are showing their true colors. Plus, aren’t Olympians just a bunch of privileged kids who had parents that had tons of money to toss into their training and turn them into rich pricks meaning that, at their core, they are unrelatable to the average human beings that they are supposed to represent? A caller calls in and calls bullshit, saying that Olympians come from a lot of diversified backgrounds and often are talented kids who have crazy abilities and get sponsored by rich people throwing money at them. Maybe. But the jury is still out. Ellis says that you know the Olympics sucks because even the worst event at the X-Games is wayyyyyyyy better than Curling, which everyone knows is the worst event at the Olympics. Ellis then says that there should be street pole vaulting instead of parkour and he would love to watch a video of a ton of parkour pole vaulter’s eating shit in one big compilation and laugh his ass off for days. In fact, Ellis would love to do a stunt where he rollerbladed down a ramp to parkour pole vault over a canyon because that’s a whole bunch of horrible ‘sports’ rolled into one. But…there should be water at the bottom of the canyon…because no one wants to see him die.

Back from the first break Ellis and Tully are joined in studio by Frank DeCaro, who thought the Mike Tyson rejoin was Ellis doing a really good impression of Mike Tyson…when in fact it is Mike Tyson doing a really good impression of Mike Tyson. Then Frank brings up the one thing that Ellis didn’t want to talk about, which is the pending George Zimmerman Celebrity Boxing match. Why doesn’t Ellis want to talk about it? Cause it’s a bunch of bullshit! Who the fuck decided that Zimmerman was a celebrity in the first place? Isn’t this a horrible example to set for future generations seeking fame? All you have to do is kill someone of a different race in sort of whacky circumstances and have a highly public trial if you wanna be considered a celebrity, kids. Give me a fucking break. That’s really my issue with it. The issue that Ellis seems to be having with it is that it’s not going to be a real fight and whomever he fights isn’t going to murder him in the ring, which he deserves. Now, TJES talked about the Zimmerman/Martin trial a bit and they did a really good and objective segment on it that I applauded before I wrote for this wonderful, wonderful site, but I agree with Ellis…at this point Zimmerman needs to be punched in the face in a particularly no-holds barred kind of way. I mean. Really. Anyway, Frank DeCaro was super excited that he got a Wolfknives shirt and was “Oh Boy!” excited when Ellis explained that it meant that he is a part of a gang now, because Frank has never been a delinquent before. Oh boy! He then talks a little bit about his upcoming show about Showgirls and the various parts he plays in it, and his first audition since moving to LA where he walked into a room with a bunch of different versions of himself which he described as Tall Me, Fat Me, Really Fat Me, Ginormous Me, Old Me, Black Me, Jewish Me, and the oddball random straight guy. And they were all wearing bowties. Frank really wants to be a Regular on a sitcom and Tully pitches an idea where Ellis and Frank have their own sitcom where they are gay lovers that maintain their real life personalities and boom…hilarity ensues. Ellis thinks that story line could work for their characters to be on Workaholics, which would then obviously lead to their own spin off show, and then the rest will be history. Oh, we can dream, we can dream. Ellis then tells Frank that Cumtard is homophobic and a hole other sort of hilarity ensues as Cumtard vehemently denies being homophobic and Frank says that he himself is homophobic and doesn’t really like to have sex all that much with his husband, but truly enjoys having sex with himself. There is a lot of anal sex talk and it is explained to Frank that Cumtard would rather eat the ass of a 90 year old lady with diarrhea in her underwear than receive anal from an Asian man who is the best anal lover in the known world. Everyone else in the studio- Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Mike Jasper (who popped in a few minutes before), and Frank say they would of course rather have anal than eat that calamity, but CumTard holds out. Calls are taken speculating on whether CumTard is homophobic or not and some people come to his defense, one with an Asian slur (bad form, dude, the G word doesn’t look good on anyone), and finally CumTard says that he would rather have anal than eat a birthday cake crafted entirely from shit. Speaking of birthday cake, it’s Will’s birthday today! Happy Birthday Wilson!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They present Will with a Hate Bean cake and I imagine they all have heart eyes and pat Will on the back and have a little bit of a love in over the break.

Back from the break Tully informs us that police in Kansas City are still working to find the killer of Police Officer Jason Ellis on May 26, 2013 and are looking for anyone with information to contact them at EllisCaseETips@KY.Gov and any information in helping catch the perpetrator will result in a $200,000 reward. If you or anyone you know has any information, help out, do the right thing, share this on your social media site of choice.

In the studio, the guys are joined by a new guest! Chanel West Coast, who is a rapper, musical performer type cute button of a person that Ellis knows from Rob Drydek’s Fantasy Factory and Ridiculousness. She plays a sort of ditzy girl on the shows, but in real life is pretty smart and knows what’s going on. She admits that she isn’t as dumb blonde in real life, but after watching the show she noticed she got a lot of air time with the whole ditzy thing and decided to run with it, because that’s how it’s done when you wanna be successful ladies and gentlemen. Apparently Rob came across her while she was on Myspace and after she tried to get him to come to a couple of shows he asked her if he wanted to be on his show Fantasy Factory cause he was looking for a girl to fill the role. She said yes, and I guess you could say that the rest is history. And…that’s the second time I’ve used that cliché in this recap, and I apologize, but it’s midnight and I worked 14 hours today so my brain is a little fried. Ellis kind of flirts with Chanel, but kind of doesn’t because he sees her as a little sister and he talks about how weird it is when he sees her butt on instagram. Chanel talks about he rise to music fame, playing her single for Li’l Wayne and not being afraid of anyone…except for spiders, because she saw a wicked spider bite once and ain’t no one got time for that. She talks about partying a bit, not sleeping enough, and training with her new trainer because she wants a booty like Beyoncé (because…who doesn’t) and Ellis does his very best to be gross and wig out her publicist. They play one of her songs, New Feeling, I believe it was called, and it was pretty good by Ellis’ standards, even though it isn’t really his kind of music. He can respect talent when he hears it. Or sees it. Or whatever.

Ellis was on the Dr. Drew show tonight, but when they were talking about it on the show it was under the whole, Ellis is going to be on the Dr. Drew show tonight vibe, and they talked for a couple minutes about the topics that Ellis would be (or already did) talk about on the show. First topic was a re-visit to the topic of the Affluenza Teen who really really isn’t going to jail for running down people while drunk since he had the wonderful defense of being too rich to know the definition of the word consequences and a new story involving someone named Mike Dunn who shot a teenager who told him to fuck off.

But…no one cares about that right now because Mark Magrath and Tara Beaulieu are in the studio now!!! Wooooo!!!! The show of a billion guests!!! And, now that I see her name spelled I can fucking say it!!! Thank the fucking fictional maker. Anyway. She gets yelled at by French people for how she pronounces her last name, but they can go fuck themselves because it’s her last name and she has awesome side boob. She also likes to date much younger guys and has broken up with her 19 year old boyfriend for a 22 year old boyfriend and is going to have a stripper pole installed in her house for her young lovers to perform dances on for her. Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu have a show together called Killer Karaoke which Mark describes as American Idol meets Fear Factor after a bad, drunk one night stand. Ellis tells Mark that he saw a part of the show once and noticed that Killer Karaoke stole his pat a predator bit. They talk a lot about how Ellis is awesome and he’s the King of the West and Mark McGrath is honestly so funny and perfect as a guest that he should fill the third chair, I thought Hubbs was going to asphyxiate he was laughing so hard. And I don’t think that I can really adequately capture that in re-cap form, so go listen to at least the end of the show on demand. They played a shortened version of Ellis Jeopardy, which was cut short due to the fact that Mark was taking the game wayyyyyyyy too seriously and the game is obviously rigged in Tully’s favor as he knows Ellis best and they have like a weird mind reading thing going on. It was hilarious though, he was snarky and funny about it. They talked about Mark being on Rock and Roll Jeopardy and he was the master of that and Mark thinks that’s when the general public started to realize that he wasn’t as big of a douche as everyone thought he was. They take calls and….oh god!!!!! I almost forgot to mention that Mark and Tara absolutely do not believe how much Ellis and Katie have sex!!!! They talk about it at the beginning of the segment and at the end and Mark absolutely refuses to believe that Ellis has sex four to five times a day with Katie. But Ellis tells Mark and Tara that he loves Katie and he went to therapy for her and that it’s her fault because she walks around half naked all of the time and is just as into sex as he is. The show goes out with Ellis defending his sex life and ends with a final caller recap, which I will admit I turned off while saying, “I don’t need to listen to him…I own him.”

What we learned on the show today:

It was either really awesome, or really shitty being Michael Jackson’s contractor

Hulk Hogan is hopefully the biggest pot head of all time

Joe Rogan wins at life and is constantly tripping balls

Utah is beautiful, but it’s because of Mitt Romney the Olympics ever happened there

Tully saw his cat and his cat was super happy to see him after three months

The Olympics in Russia might have happened because of the Russian Mafia

TJES is a temple of misogyny

Frank DeCaro would pull his dick out at the supermarket if it were larger

Only 20% of Americans said that they couldn’t live without sex

Frank DeCaro is basically just a gay CumTard

The politically correct transgender field is a minefield

HateBreed + Hate Bean + Hate Beek = Metal as Fuck

Chanel West Coast smokes a lot so that’s why she didn’t remember to text Ellis back…and that is the only acceptable excuse a person can have

Tyler Posey’s face is a 9 but his soul is an 11

Dr, Drew is Ellis’ National TV Friend…Sam Rubin knows how the game is played

Tara can’t wear a push up bra on Killer Karaoke because it’s too distracting

Ellis Jeopardy isn’t up to Mark McGrath’s Jeopardy Standards

Mark McGrath playing Ellis Jeopardy is the best/worst thing of all time and should either happen every week…or never again

Mark McGrath has a punk rock dick and loves small vaginas

Tara is creeping on young Ellisfam on Instagram

There are 3 members of ZZ Top

James Hetfield is the greatest lead singer of all time, not Chris Cornell

Ellis considers Mick Jagger to be the first cool American…lol

That guy sucked but he worked hard and built himself up and banged the hottest chick ever- Kid Rock

Ellis and Katie pee on each other and laugh about it

TRT is better than HGH- if you go to sleep on your stomach, you will wake up levitating

Shoutout and Condolences to TJES caller David- sorry for the loss of your brother, Ellisfam’s collective heart goes out to you and thank you PatriotGuard.org for doing what you do and being there for this soldier’s funeral. Spread love, not hate.

Happy Happy Birthday to Az_RedDragon who is the one who connected me to this site and a lot of you absolutely wonderful people!!!!
Happy Birthday to my brother, Scottie from NY..I love love love you and I know you had a terrible day, but hugs and kisses from me and Hubbs to you!!!!

 

Show Recap for Thursday 1/30/2014

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Welcome to the show of increasingly pregnant pauses!!!! Also known as, The Jason Ellis Show. Why is it the show of increasingly pregnant pauses? You’ll find out soon…just keep on reading!!!

Ellis opens up the show talking about how sometimes he forgets to press buttons, but he also had an epiphany and connected with his daughter, Devin, all because he listened to her singing in the car. He realized that he could connect to her over her love of music, because he, too, loves music and knows a good bit about it, and he is totally willing to listen to pop music if that’s what his daughter listens to and that’s how they can connect. He talked about Devin singing in the car and how she was unafraid to sing A Capella to Rihanna for a solid 15 minutes, and that she did a great job of it. Ellis sings in the car a lot in front of her, but not really in front of anyone else, although he did used to sing in the car with Mummy to the tunes of Justin Timberlake and his first solo album because ‘Cry Me a River’ was good shit then and it’s still some good shit now. Breaking news (but not really) One Direction is a really bad pop group, and Ellis thinks it’s a stretch to even call them a boy band because there is not one redeeming quality of any of them that would make them a decent boy band. Just sayin. All this talk about pop music gets Ellis talking about American Idol. He watches American Idol now. This season the judges include J. Lo, Nicole Kidman’s Husband, and Harry Connick Jr and Katie says that they aren’t using Ryan Seacrest as much as they used to. Ellis likes American Idol because he thinks it’s amazing to see the talent that some of the people out there have, as well as the amount of crazy some people are who are really die hard convinced that they can sing. Ellis also thinks it’s funny because J. Lo doesn’t seem to know all that much about music, and she tends to say things that make the other guys want to call her a dumb bitch, but they can’t call her a dumb bitch because it’s J. Lo and the show is on Fox. Tully isn’t surprised that J. Lo isn’t all that knowledgeable about music because out of all of her talents, her musical ability lays at the bottom. Her being hot is her number one talent, if any of you out there were wondering, and yeah, she’s a better actress than she is a singer. Ellis likes Jennifer Lopez now more than he ever did before, especially since she has been ‘letting herself go’ and there’s more of a real person leaking through the cracks of her carefully tailored facade.

In other news…Ellis is pretty convinced that the new intern, whose name I believe is Adam, is actually an undercover spy working for another radio show sent to The Jason Ellis Show to secretly record and gather intel about what goes on behind the scenes. He also thinks that (probably) Adam is secretly infatuated with him based purely on how much he hates Ellis, because it is hard to hate someone that much without also being a little bit in love with them. Tully isn’t quite sure he agrees with Ellis about this, although he wishes that it were true, and just thinks that Probably Adam hates them, hates the show, and is spending his time texting his friends about the insane shit that the monkeys on the show are doing. But…it might be a good idea to check if Probably Adam is wearing a wire. Someone, quick! Go rip open the front of Probably Adam’s shirt and see if there’s a wire taped to his newly-shaven chest!!!!! There probably is since he’s Probably Adam. That’s my opinion at least. Why doesn’t Ellis check him for a wire? Because Probably Adam really is infatuated with him and he would get too excited, whip his dick out, and start jacking off right there since he has no qualms about masturbating in public as he has pics of himself masturbating in the shower with another dude on his Instagram. Allegedly. Tully hasn’t seen the pic, but Ellis has talked about it a few times. I’m a pretty big IG troll, but I haven’t checked out Probably Adam’s account yet, so I can’t confirm if this picture exists or not, and if it did at one point, Probably Adam probably has taken it down after it was broadcast on the radio. Because, you know, probably.

Back to talking about American Idol related things, for some reason…actually, the reason is that Tully keeps trying to ask a question about it and then Ellis starts talking about something else regarding American Idol instead (it was pretty funny how many times it happened), Ryan Seacrest is fat. At least in Ellis’ opinion. Also, he really isn’t all that talented. Tully describes him as operating at his maximum capacity- meaning that what you see is what you get and Ryan Seacrest will never throw anyone for a loop. Pop Stars most likely constantly interview with him because he is a safe bet and he has never met an envelope that he would like to push. Pushing is mean, guys. Don’t ever look to Ryan Seacrest to ask Britney Spears what the fuck was going through her mind when she shaved her head, or where the bodies of Rihanna’s murder victims are….those are questions that Ellis would ask, and stars like Spears and Rihanna would never be on TJES because their managers don’t want them being asked questions of that nature. Why? It might ruin their careers. Ellis and Tully agree that celebrities should be more honest and that the world would be a much better place is super famous people came clean about things and didn’t have questions that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be asked. Society tends to put celebrities up on a pedestal and often try to imitate them, so if celebs were more honest about themselves and the things that they did/do/are going to do then so would the rest of the people around the world. Kumbaya-ddayadda.

After calling out Jetta for checking himself out in his reflection in the glass, Ellis talks about how he wants to play Sting Pong and he doesn’t understand why it’s so hard. Why is it so hard? Because Will told Cumtard that in order for Sting Pong to be done properly they would have to have advanced notice and spend $500 of their budget to get an engineer in and mic up the prize chamber. Ellis and Tully are curious as to why there has to be so much hubbub when they could just plug an extension cord into the microphones that they already have and…broadcast from the prize chamber. In fact, to demonstrate how easy that would be, Tully plugs an extension cord into a microphone and goes to ask Will why they can’t do what he is doing at that very moment and have their game of Sting Pong. Hahahahahahahahaha. Funny, right? Ummmmm…no. Not funny at all. At least according to Mr. Will Pendarvis. Will refuses to talk to Tully in the mic in the prize chamber and instead joins Ellis in the studio where they then get into an argument about this whole schmabibble. Like….a real argument. There is a lot of yelling, a lot of reading texts between Will and Cumtard, a lot of questioning what exactly is more ‘proper’ about Will’s way versus their way, and a lot of butt hurt feelings flying around the room, smacking people in the face, and calling them pussydicks, or something. This is the cause of all of the pregnant pauses, by the way, because the dark cloud that descends onto the studio due to what was supposed to be a little pokey-fun haha joking lasts for the rest of the broadcast. Now…I listened to this part of the show twice because the first time it made me feel super uncomfortable because it was like listening to my parents argue over something stupid and listening to it the second time around let me hear it all with a more objective ear…and yeah…I am that dedicated to trying to do a quality recap, guys, but what I gathered was that Will was trying to get across that his job is to be concerned about the sound quality of the broadcast and maybe he was concerned that the mics on extension cords wouldn’t provide as high quality a sound as ones that were set up by engineers (although they sounded fine on my end) but he got super defensive when Ellis accused him of throwing up roadblocks for the show since he states “I fight so hard to tear roadblocks down for this show”. He really didn’t want to explain to Tully why exactly his way of doing things was more proper compared to the Ellis/Tully ghetto extension cord mics, and sounded like he wanted to punch Tully in the face for his persistence in asking that question. Ellis did also get super defensive at one point when he perceived Will to be attacking his bit and that’s kind of the point when the yelling really really started. It all culminated in Will telling them to fuck off and he left the studio….and the building…not to be seen nor heard from again for the rest of the broadcast.

Pregnant pause.

Tully, Ellis, and Cumtard try and talk about what the fuck just happened and how what was supposed to be a tongue in cheek funny haha five minute bit turned into that load of fuck off assery, and Cumtard feels like the prize chamber is gonna be weird now because no one has ever seen Will that pissed off before. Ever. Calls are taken from callers and some people think Will is right and others think that he is wrong. Is Will having a bad day and bummed out about something else and this just rubbed him the wrong way? We may never know. No…lie…we’ll probably find out once Will has had a chance to cool down.

Back from the break it’s time for Hollywood News. What’s in the news? Oh, by the way, Hi Mike Jasper! Anyway…Steven Segal is in the news. No, he didn’t teach another UFC fighter the best front kick of all the front kicks anyone has ever front kicked, he isn’t in the news because he has gotten so fat that his face is eating his eyes…he’s BFFs with Vladimir Putin. That’s the guy in charge of Russia, in case you didn’t know. Why is this a big deal? Probably because no one in any actual position of power in the United States rubs elbows with Putin they way that Segal does and the Olympics are being held there this year. They hate gay people, so, who would want to be friends with them, anyway? But Segal did an interview with Huckabee about how awesome Russia is and how no one should be scared of terrorist attacks during the Olympics because Segal is also BFF’s with the Russian Anti-terrorist task force (and also probably trained them) and he says that they are on top of their game (thanks to him). Speaking of fat people, Rob Kardashian (aka, the least famous of all the Kardashians and also the only one that has been confirmed to have a dong) is in the news for being fat. Really though. It’s some sort of big deal that he’s rich and fat. He’s trying to lose weight and goes to the gym all of the time and there are pics of him leaving the gym and entering the gym and he’s all fat and stuff, which is a shame since he is rich and has the means to not be fat. I bet the fat Kardashian sister is pretty happy that he’s fat since now everyone talks about him being fat instead of talking about her being fat (she isn’t fat, at all, by the way). I don’t know why anyone cares that this guy is fat and I don’t know why this is considered news. Whatever. Lindsay Lohan is also in the news because someone allegedly stole half of her $75,000 fur coat. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch for having $75,000 to spend on a fucking coat. No further attention shall be afforded to that bitch from me for losing half of her third-world-feeding coat in a club cause she was probs all sorts of out of her face on drugs. In a sort of extension of Hollywood News, Tully and Ellis bring up Justin Bieber and say that everyone needs to get the fuck over it already. Agreed. Why the fuck should he be in the news for being a stupid teenager? Why are people wasting their time petitioning the White House to have him deported? Tully is right when he says that he is a product of what our society does to famous people. We love building them up and we fucking glory in their messy downfalls. He’s 19, he’s stupid, hopefully he gets some good advice, grows the fuck up, and becomes a productive member of society. Shaq is also in the news because he’s trying to keep his kids off of reality tv, which his ex wife is trying to get them on because she wants them to be on a reality show with her. Good for you, Shaq, kids shouldn’t be on reality tv.

Back from the break they were talking about something but I got distracted by BitPimps because he tweeted me to tell me that Jude gave me a shout out on PillMix and I was excited because…I have a crush on him. When my excitement died down Ellis was talking about fighting some chick in Sumo suits and Kit Cope taking it too far. But then, Tully finally got to ask his question about American Idol, which was, since American Idol has been around for so long are the people who win it now rejects from previous years? Mike Jasper says that yeah, they probably are, because he knows that when trying out for The Ultimate Fighter, there were people who had been there 3 or 4 times already trying out. So…American Idol is basically just like The Ultimate Fighter. At least, that’s what I took away from that. Tully asked Ellis if he watched Workaholics last night, and he did, and he says that it was so funny and he didn’t know that you could do the things that they do on tv. Ellis thinks that if The Jason Ellis Show wrote a television show it would be just like Workaholics, possibly funnier, especially now that he knows that you can do stuff like that on tv. Jasper asks why Ellis doesn’t get a television show like the Dish Network show and Tully asks Jasper why he just doesn’t go fight Chris Weidman on Long Island (hell yeah!!!!) and they’ll call the fight and put it on pay per view.

Next Jetta comes in to help the guys play a game of ‘This or That’ sent in by Betsy, involving the scenario if they were going to Mars to start a new civilization and they could only bring this or that which would they choose….the results are as follows:

  • Katie over Toilet Paper- cause Ellis uses baby wipes anyway you nasty dingleberry mother fuckers
  • Beatles Discography over Metallica’s Discography- cause you just have to bring The Beatles, man
  • Arnold Schwarzeneggar over Sly Stallon- cause Arnold made gyms main stream and Sly Stallone turns every woman he touches into a big pile
  • Chairs over pillows- cause shirts can be pillows and no one wants to stand all day
  • The Burger King King over Ronald McDonald- cause Ronald is basically a pedophile and murderer, the Hamburgler is a dick, and Grimace is fat
  • Gay Marriage over Chad Reed- cause Gay Rights are more important than any one man
  • The Bible over Shia Lebouf- because the Bible would help more people in the long run
  • White People over Mexicans- cause….White Power?
  • Porn over Vaporizers- cause yay porn
  • Condoms over Tacos- cause safe sex is more important than tacos, and you’ll still have fajitas
  • Shrooms over Ecstacy- cause shrooms do less damage to you
  • Blake Anderson over Dune Buggies -cause one type of car is not worth more than one human life
  • Baby Wipes over Deoderant- cause we already have no TP on Mars
  • UFC over Supercross -cause UFC, duh
  • Beer over Coffee -cause people would get too wasted on other, harder liquor
  • Neither Advil nor Baby Pictures -cause no one cares
  • Andy Dick over Steve Gutenburg- cause he would have a better reality show

There will probably be more of this game in the future, because Ellis needs more to work with on Mars than just a Beatles CD and baby wipes.

Back from the last break…Tully calls Ellis ‘Will’ and things get awkward again. There is more discussion about how they thought Will would laugh along with the rest of them, and how twitter and IG are agreeing with Will. Ellis is surprised with the hate they are getting and says that we don’t know what goes on and Tully says that 9 days out of 10 Will would have laughed along with the rest of them and they could have gotten on with the show. Wrapping up the show they talk about some news from around the world, and I missed a couple minutes of it because my app fucked up (wow, that’s 2 excuses for missed shit in one article, damn, I’m slipping) but when it kicked back in they were talking about a couple in England that after being married in the 70s got divorced in the 90s (and continuing to co-habitate) the guy found a younger chick and offered to let his ex wife to continue to live with them as a housekeeper. But, for some reason, she would rather have half of his 13 Million Pounds worth of Net Worth. In the Philippines, the police are in hot water for having a Wheel of Torture in their prison to punish prisoners with, but after Tully and Ellis review some of the ‘tortures’ they don’t seem that bad and TJES Wheel of Doom seems way worse. Wrapping up the show are, as always, final calls, which were truly abysmal tonight…lots of gibberish and gunfire…lots of death…but…not everyone can recap like us over here at NYA, after all. *pops collar*

Things we learned on TJES today:

There should be 4-6 bottles of water in the studio at the start of the show

Alpha Brain (by Onnit) has really improved Ellis’ memory and Jetta should take it

PhunckyTips are groundbreaking

Harry Connick Jr was in ID4 with Bill Pullman, Pullman is friends with the Hawk, and he’s the man

Ellis sang J. Lo’s song better than her, and that’s a fact

Will had a bad day

People in the UFC get 25 Grand if they refer to S. Segal as ‘Sensei’ (probably)

NBA players don’t have hot wives…they have hot girlfriends

Ellis wants to fight Shaq…and he would win

Ellis will be on the Radio tomorrow despite it being Howard Stern’s birthday, because Nick Swardson is already booked to be on the show and he hasn’t seen him since EM9

Mike Jasper would rather have Tacos than Condoms on Mars

If Tully thinks Ellis is right, then he’s right

If anyone was going to punch others today, it would have been Will

Ellis always smells his water because Will tried to poison him once

BitPimps is a cool dude

16 year olds have bad robbery ideas

Ellis is going to go home and punch Mike Jasper in the face

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