Show Re-Cap for Thursday 7/11/2013

Devon Ellis! You better not be reading this or we’re going to tell your mummy and daddy, young lady!

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Hide yo kids, hide yo’ wives, cuz NYA is ruining young minds up in hurr!

It’s Thursday and people are testing my shit, what’s up with that shit, huh? Fuckin’ hell. Space helmets, Prometheus robot sticking a finger in your drink, and World War Z idiot. I don’t know what any of that is about (thanks work) and next thing I knew they were talking about having crazy gills, being able to swim like a dolphin, looking like an old shriveled ball sack, and swimming at the bottom of the ocean. Aquaman and old fish people could not swim as fast as a shark. So, everybody good and lost like me? Fantastic! Let’s see how much more I can miss because people are fucktarded. When’s the last time you hung out with an old guy and he wasn’t an ex-marine? Rawdog thinks he’ll be a cool old person and thinks he’s an “old soul” plus he likes camomile tea. Ellis’ ex, Andrea, thinks Ellis is racist against the Jews, but in reality he only hates Rawdog and her ex-boyfriend.

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Rawdog leaving Nana’s house.

Rawdog thinks his sister, Dumb-Dumb Snaggle-Tooth, is smart – like all the Jewish girls he knows or ever met, including his mother and Nana. He also thinks Asians are generally smart, but he can’t explain why they can’t drive and there are no Asian Nascar champs – go figure. Tully, on the other hand, thinks Albanians are stupid, genetically pre-disposed to be dumb as fuck. Remember yesterday how Ellis talked about his daughter seeing some stuff online? Yeah, well, turns out No You Are might be partially to blame for that. So uh… sorry about that! Makes sense though. NYA is written by a bunch of 8 year-olds. KACHOW! Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and move on, cool? Cool. So uh, you on some of that d-ball son? It’s slang for “Duribol” which is an anabolic steroid typically injected in your ass.

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What’s more terrifying, old people or Freddy Krueger?

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Rawdog & his girlfriend have his & her towels.

There’s a new anti-gay law in Russia, if you have any kind of homosexual propaganda and you could be fined and spend time in the polar clink. What’s even more weird is that unbeknownst to Rawdog, his girlfriend texted Ellis to ask him not to do anything to Rawdog’s cock and balls anymore now that he’s using them more. Ellis wants to have an Alice In Chains party and play more Alice In Chains on Faction. So the guys went through a bunch of their songs and picked out several to be put in rotation. This moved into some Elvis Costello song searching, but just for a bit because there’s just not enough time to delve into his deep tracks. When I suggested more Oingo Boingo and Rawdog agreed, it earned him a dick punch and me another lashing from Ellis and Will. So far today NYA has been bad and now me, I swear, this is not how my mother raised me! Corey Taylor (Slipknot) has a new book out that deals with the supernatural. It’s called: “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process)” God damn that’s a long title. Brian Stann has retired from the UFC. That’s enough news for you, now it’s time for the Google auto-complete game that you don’t get to play, so there! I’ll tell you this much, Ellis and Rawdog have both gotten plane boners before, on long plane rides with some vibration and viola, they had plane boners. We were all having lots of fun with the game. And then Mayhem walked into the studio and brought that shit to a loud, screeching, halt.

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Me yelling at Mayhem, who is yelling on the radio.

After a break and prepping for Mayhem’s antics, we came back to Hollywood news. Luckily for you, I was stuck in traffic so you’re going to get the abriged version. Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket, Lil Twist got nabbed for DUI with a blunt in his hand, Joe Rogan has a new show on SciFi, and then there was some other stuff. The leader of the Church of Scientology, yeah, his wife has been missing since 2007 – nobody knows where the hell she’s at or heard from her and anyone who asks about her is told that it’s none of their business. Sounds legit. Johnny Depp wants to buy the Wounded Knee site and give it back to the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Jason Ellis’ mom (technically, he’s Hollywood, right?) texted him to say she just watched the Howard Stern interview with him and says she never protected his father or something. There’s a new movie out called Sharknado, it’s on TV tonight, and it’s full of C and B movie stars. This movie makes me think the guys should make Jewclone. It’s a cyclone full of the Jews in the Holocaust, sounds pretty good right? What about a porno called Jewkkake? No? Fine.

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Even still, nobody likes Jar-Jar.

Mayhem has a new clothing line and he wants to sponsor Ellis, the deal? Ellis will do it as long as Mayhem never tweets Dana White again, ever. No deal, of course. And that pretty much wraps up today’s recap. Thanks for stopping by and reading, we hope you return tomorrow for another exciting recap filled with laughter, important life lessons, and factually true stories like this one. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.” The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.” The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/4/2013

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This hills are alive with the sound of…

It’s another Monday, and some of you wouldn’t mind having sex with robots, and some chicks will fuck fat dudes, but not if you show them the fat first. Dingo and Ellis’ friendship has been taken to another level after this weekend, and apparently Dings has a killer pad. Intern Anal Gay-Lewis took Ellis’ advice and got rid of the crooked / aspiring pedophile mustache he was rocking, but he still looks weird because he has a weird head. The guys are thinking of Voltron’ing together to create a single mega-comedian, Laughtron. They could also split apart to be separate comedians, but together they’d be unstoppable with jokes about aspiring pedophiles and people in the audience with pictures of their kids. Ellis saved a gay dude from getting raped by another gay dude that was blue-balling the other gay dude’s drugged up butt. Even though he wanted to kill Mr. Gay Molestor Dude (HOMOcide, get it?), he thwarted off the dude and called the cops, all that happened the same night he went to see The Used, via Bert McCracken – whose wife listens to the show and turned Bert on to it. There was some talk about school. School in Australia, US, France, etc. I’m with Ellis on this one, I hated school and I hate even having to walk through them to this day. Somehow the conversation went from schools to the nearly non-existent middle class in America and Mexican’s taking jobs. All that collection of randomness in the first hour of the show, damn!

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Fuck yeah, bath salts, so tite!

Good news, scientists have cured a baby with HIV by giving it a cocktail of shots within 30 hours of it’s birth – suck on that Africa. Supercross in St. Louis this weekend, Ryan Villopoto won the 450 class, and that’s MMA news, no wait… That’s Rawdog’s MMA news, in real MMA news, Mark Hunt knocked out Stefan Struve, and Wanderlei Silva knocked out Brian Stann in a super exciting Don Frye-esque fight. And in other MMA news, Katie got paid today and announced a purchase of shaving cream and a bunch of toys, not toys for children, but for adult holes – if you catch my drift. Why would the words “Blink 182 is gnarly” come out of Ellis’ mouth? Because of the drummer, you know, that dude that plays the drums. The next Death! Death! Die! album is working up to be a massive double disc set, as much music as can fit on a cd – plus a DVD of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Probably not out in time to be paired with the double disc release, is the Death! Death! Die! lunch box. A woman tried out to be the first female NFL kicker ever, she didn’t make the cut after missing her 15-20 yard kick – an old injury seemed to be holding her back. New TJES producer was introduced today, Domonick “Dom” DeLuise (@TheHippieDom) – whose been in radio for about 7 years and has luscious locks like Dingo, just not as long. He’s part Mexican, part Indian, part Italian, he eats meat and “froyo” (aka frozen yogurt), which might be a good nickname for him on the show. He speaks well, like he might be smart, so this could hopefully turn out to be a very good match.

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You may not like Hollywood news, but you can appreciate some fine art.

Bad news, JCPenny seems to be losing the battle with Macy’s so your catalogs of department store jerk-off material may be dwindling even more. Who was the dumbest person/s on TJES so far? Stupid Tits? Aaron Lewis? Porn stars? Probably porn stars. This led us into the segment, You Sir Are A Moron, band edition. There was a lot of back and forth here, too much to keep up with so I’m just going to pretend we all know exactly what each person voted and who was more of a moron, sir. Hollywood news times, at 2:05 AM, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Worst birthday ever” – because part of his entourage was too young to be let into the club. HAHAFUCKINGHA! But wait, Bieber said that was bullshit, he didn’t try to bring underage people into the club, he said he walked in – it was lame – so he left. OMG! You guys… I sooooo… don’t give a shit. TMZ says Benji Madden has a dream pad. Jay Leno’s days may be numbered and Shia LaBeouf was boxing at a gym or some shit. Brendan Fraser has some seriously major expenses, saying he’s losing $87k per month, while Drake unloaded a cardboard box containing $50k at a strip club. And some Aussie billionaire plans on building a replica of the Titanic, yes, the unsinkable ship that um, sank. Fuck. That. Shit.

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British porn.

Revisiting moto news, Will was called in for his opinion as he watched his first motocross this weekend. Predictably, he didn’t have anything to say, which spurred Ellis and Tully to rag on him for a bit until angry Will finally revealed himself and told them to fuck off. One is left to assume Will is missing his tickle partner and is having a hard time adjusting. That brought us to final calls, some lazy chick called in to say she doesn’t like working, which stunned all of us other working class dickheads. A dude called in about this chick that wanted to “eat him out” and it was awkward because she told him to get on all fours, he was scared and didn’t take the bung tongue surprise. That and he thought about her licking another guys asshole and now he’s been making out with her, therefore by proxy, eating another dude’s asshole. Another dude called in to say he signed his kid up for wrasslin’ and wondered if maybe something would be better, because he wants to wear his ass out so he doesn’t bother daddy anymore. Some dude wondered if Ellis ever smoked out of a human skull before, because his dad did Vietnam and swore it got him higher or some bullshit. Clearly that dude’s dad has never smoked out of your mom’s asshole. Because that shit is like smoking a joint rolled by Jesus and licked shut by your little sister’s pussy lips. OH!