Show Re-cap For Monday 1/28/2013

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Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Welcome, are you ready to fucking fuck? How about just find out what the fuck went on with the show today? Okay, cool. You think you’re tough? Like shark tough? Well wrap your gills around this shit, a killer whale will come up from under your shark ass without you knowing it and ram your shit, and you will explode! So you ain’t so tough. Remember that fucking shit, fuck. Rawdog’s wearing a shirt with a tiger on it today but says he’s a lion, even though when he goes home, he puts on his Burger King crown. Sounds like Ellis’ head tattoo guy isn’t calling him back, so the bear head, head tattoo might already be history. A drunk Dingo opened up to Cullen at the X-Games about that new announcer chick, Ramona Bruland. I don’t know exactly what was said, I’m not sure he knows either – but the gist was that he thinks X-Games fucked up by replacing Sal Masekela with that chick, and saying it makes everyone look bad. Josh Hansen called in, so naturally, talk instantly turned to moto and how he got ejected from Supercross and how they want him to pay a $4,000 fine for taking some dude out in a turn.

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Exciting news for Rawdog, he will be going back out with that new chick he recently met online and jacked off to last week! He also signed up for some sketch comedy classes over the weekend and is still hitting the gym as well, so things are looking up for his Jewish ass! Go get ’em tiger lion! Dave Mirra called into the show all excited, Ellis had to hush him up real quick and told him not to talk about anything they’ve recently been texting each other about. Could this mean a possible Mirra presence at another upcoming EllisMania? If you’re on that crack, cocaine, or a crack cocaine cookie, you ain’t hiding that shit from nobody – no matter how good of a lie you think up. Have you been wondering how to make crack? Maybe you’re having guests over for a dinner party and are looking to impress them with your cooking skills? Well good news, you can listen to E-40 – The Recipe to find out how!

Why shouldn't get Rawdog get a tattoo that says "I love my sister"?

Why shouldn’t Rawdog get a tattoo that says “I love my sister”?

Rawdog lost his bet over the weekend concerning the UFC, now he has to get a tattoo while he and Grant Cobb are both wearing shock collars, or eat salad for an entire week. You know he’s not going to be eating just salads for an entire week, so time to start brainstorming tattoo ideas for Rawdog! It was at this point that I missed the next 45 minutes or so of the show and have no idea what went on. I came back in with Rawdog and Tully reading what I assume was Hollywood news and then they went to break with some Michael Jackson. Sweet news for you Soundgarden / Ellis fans, the new video for “By Crooked Steps” by Soundgarden, featuring Ellis & Katie, and directed by Dave Grohl, is out today. Even though Ellis didn’t get paid in money to appear in the video, apparently Dave had asked Ellis when he wanted him to go on the show! Brand new game today, “Win Kevin Kraft’s Money” which is odd because that dude has about as much money as that homeless guy that sleeps under the bridge. His whole $11 is on the line here, if you can guess the correct answers to the questions, you can really put Cumtard in the poor house. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the callers didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground so the guys had to resort to cheating to get people to win Cumtard’s money. Hopefully next week, we’ll have a “Win Will Pendarvis’s Money” game where the tables will be turned.

Overly attached listener's can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

Overly attached listener’s can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

There’s a website that Dingo frequents quite often, it shows registered molesters that are living in your area. It’s weird too, because those red dots just seem to keep following Dingo around, no matter where he moves. HA! (see what I’m insinuating there) There was a dirty cock sock smell in the studio that everyone but Rawdog could smell. That might lead you to believe it was Rawdog that was stanking, but remember this too – Dingo just left your little sister’s house and socks come in handy when you’re tying down the unwilling. OH SNAP! (Ooops I did it again) Some dude called in to get permission to name his bulldog after Tully. I didn’t even know that was something that needed to be asked? Some chick called in about indecent exposure and distributing drugs, but nobody really took her seriously because, well, she’s a woman. BA-ZING! And then a copper from Oklahoma called about humping on kids, said it was pretty cool (no he didn’t) and that people are given different levels. You start off as a novice and can work your way up to Phil Donahue status, which is considered the highest level of wizard. And with that, we end the re-cap with your dad, the ultimate kid toucher, the ding-a-ling put to his mouth and sing cowboy, Phil Donahue. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 1/25/2013

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You are you but the real question is who were you before you were you? Who will you be after you are you, will you be a mellow lake turtle that doesn’t get fucked with? Or will you be a frost bitten wolf who has to fight for food? The answer is “Fuck It,” it’s Friday and nobody gives a shit. But no matter what be sure you have your posse with you to take care of biz-nas biz-nas! There you go folks, your shitty GetAttachmentjoke of the day. The Dee Snider roast was yesterday and Ellis went to it and then realized that it is a Revolver Magazine event and also Jose Mangin was there. This is not a problem for most regular folks, but the Wing has talked major crap on both of these jack wagons and then kinda felt bad for the shit he said. Our young wing is growing up right in front of our eyes. Ever wonder why Hatebreen isn’t on the show? Then you probably wonder why your sister won’t make out with you either. But seriously, the guest list for the show is based upon what Jason gives a fuck about and he don’t give a fuck about shit that he don’t give a fuck about! Oh, and also because the Priests kept diddaling kids in the name of God, we decided to change the name of God to Barry, so all hail Satan.

American Idol is getting sued because they are racist, except for the black judge, and that one black dude that almost won, but other than that, they hate the black man. If you think that’s bad then you should see the shit Google is spewing out! The boys played the Google Auto Complete Game, Racist edition. Some of the questions were, Why are retards…, Why are Canadians…, Why are Japanese men…, and Why are minorities… Speaking of retarded minorities, this political dude in Colorado had to smoke a fatty because he made a bet that he would if Colorado passed the medical marijuana bill. The bill passed so now he had to puff puff pass in front of some movie dude who was making a documentary. GetAttachment (1)

Are you a chick with a box, and does this box have a massive clit on it? Well then your ass should have called into the show today to get that Clit Off Your Box! (cue the shitty game show music).  In today’s episode of Get The Clit Off Your Box we heard from a hard times hooker, a girl with a boyfriend who wanted the back door GetAttachment fjamboree, creepy career advancement attempts, awkward finger on family fondling  a tax return gigolo, and a pre-ejaculating cuddler. It was very entertaining and this segment is quickly becoming one of my favorites. There’s a new drug on the market that will make it so you can stay up for days and not feel tired or have a headache called Modaffodil or something, I don’t fucking care, I still prefer the old fashioned way, Jolt Cola and crack.

You sir are a moron, no not you, the game. The game where the only one that seems to be the moron is Rawdog and his Anteater salad tossing fetish. This was the first time that they let a caller be in on the fun and surprisingly enough the callers did alright once things got going. I hope to see this again. What else was surprising was that I saw yer mum working at the greasy spoon down the road. She is a cook there, but when I asked her what today’s special was, she ripped off her pants, spread eagle, and said, “Roast Beef with gravy,” OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/24/2013

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Yet another Aids Thursday at The Jason Ellis Show, but today was just a little feminine, well more than usual.  In fact, we all had vaginas before we were born, which probably explains why Rawdog knows the words to TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’.  Yes he did sing it for us, but wasn’t near as gay feminine as the dong Tully played from his personal library.  Enough with the pussy talk, did you know Tiggy has butt cheeks in his feet, named Bill and Ted.  And even more manly than that, Rawdog fish tailed in his car the other night,   and almost kept it on the road.  Even more manly than that, is keeping civil conversations with yo’ baby mama’s so you don’t fuck the kids over.  Also important to never trust a Catholic Priest for the same reason really.  Of course if he’s just a priest from another Christian religion, just keep an eye on that dude aight!  As much as we hope there’s a ghetto in heaven, we equally hope hell’s got something righteous for these kid fuckers.  Of course, if hell is like Tully seems to recall, then were just in a constant state of fire, which Ellis wouldn’t mind too much.  Jerk his fire dick and shoot his fire load, Red Dragons!  More on Catholics, Jizz Cult sent a link to Tully about how they conveniently said fetuses aren’t people when being sued, but they are when it comes to kicking your chic down a flight of steps if she’s gained a few pounds, ya know for added insurance.  Sure that might make for a bad first date, sure glad Rawdog didn’t use those tactics for his 1st date with this new short petite chic.  No titties or BJ’s for the Dog, just back to the house to jerk it to Sonic Youth and celebrity porn.

 

Watch out for those waterfalls Rawdog!

 

What is The Jason Ellis Show without a dose of Hometown Hollywood News?  Probably a reply, but today we found out that Justin Bieber is a funny muthafucker, and told this Colette bitch to shut the fuck up.  Kris Jenner used to beat her kids, and a lot of other dudes off, so says Bobby Kardashian’s journal.  If you were curious what that “chic” Manti Te’o had a false crush on sounds like, Bobs your uncle!  Sylvester Stallone paid his half-sister off, either for abusing her back in the day, or most likely cause its easier to pay the crazy pill popping bitch off than put up with it.  Halle Berry is seriously selling the shit out of Tostito’s, check her guacamole titties out!  Lindsay Lohan’s new movie The Canyons Movie was rejected from both Sundance and South By Southwest citing its lack of quality in a movie.  Good Grief, Charlie Brown was arrested for stalking, which just reminds Tully with today’s technology, stalking is as easy as its ever been.  It didn’t take Tiger too long to get some new snatch, check her out.  And it didn’t take Tiggy that long to drop another #FuckTullyHellYeah.

 

I knew something was up with that dude

I knew something was up with that dude

 

In STD News, those sick cunts may have found a cure for Aids.  Then we played a game, and shout out to @mike_in_canada for this one……Ultimate Survival Tactics with Rawdog as your host.  Well, the game was a great idea, but having Rawdog be the voice of reason made for some radio gold.  Here’s the setting, Donald Schultz flies Ellis, Tully and Cumtard out to Africa, to get away from any Blick Dragons and back to nature.  Only the helicopter crashes, Donald burns up with it, and the 3 are left to fend for themselves.  So hotshot, what do you do?   Despite Tully’s ideas of killing Cumtard, you basically just put a stick in everything and you will survive.  Here’s the best I can tell you to do if ever lost in the Savanah of Africa, first you gotta find shelter, and tie shirts around your legs to soak up water from the grass.  Then, you just set the whole fucking place into a wildfire to stay warm, of course if the helicopter’s explosion hasn’t already achieved this goal.  Then you take an air bath using dirt for soap, clean your teeth with a stick, and lock your hands together when crossing a river.  Oh, don’t forget to throw a rock in the river, so you can properly gauge the depth, that’s key!  If you get a tick, just shoot your jizz over him to suffocate him.  If your foot hurts, just harden the fuck up.  Oh, and last but certainly not least, if your ever in a snow storm, in Africa mind you, just take a shit in the coroner and let the heat and smell waft your way to keep you warm.  This is all true!

 

What do you do hotshot?

What do you do hotshot?

 

Woman Am I Right?  So this Portland lady got stuck in between two buildings, and this is the 3rd story like this  in months.  This lady in Washington smothered her man to death with her huge knockers, again another instance of this but resulting in death this time.  Curious to see the world’s widest hips, check her out.  In Juno, Wisconsin at ‘Silk Exotic’, these two bitches fought over a dollar, despite one of them being with child.  Women in Vancouver have started their own fight club, Woman Am I Wrong?  Nope, its a pillow fight club, check it out!  Some girl bit her mom’s thumb off during an argument, but couldn’t find that link.  I did find this link, to these two bitches at their holiday party, and the bitten off finger nail that transpired.  In Scotland, this Chinese lady stole this other Chinese lady’s valuables, cause the other lady is a dumb bitch.  I also tried to find the story about the lady who stole a 40pound dildo, but every key word just found me tons of porn.  OK, I’m back!  Just in time for this lady, who got out of 6 speeding tickets, by calling in a fake nearby emergency to 911.  This Swedish woman stole and crashed a fucking train into an apartment building, which ain’t that easy to do.  From there, just a Reno woman who killed her man over porn, some lady bit her mans ear off for her 19th offense since 2003, we heard about the lady who drove 900+ miles instead of 90 cause she’s a moron, and some lady got her 5 dead cats names tattooed on her back.  Woman Am I Right?

 

 

Remember when Will notified us that Woman are now allowed in combat?  Well, that was the rest of the show.  Woman are fucking awesome in war, woman fucking suck in war.  Period blood attracts bears so that’s not good at times of war.  You can leave a dude to die, but you can’t leave a bitch to die.  Callers Am I Right?   Brand new for today,  EllisMate is posting a photo on Instagram, and reading the comments at the end of the show….so be sure to follow @wolfmate on Instagram, and get some better shit for him to read or its over.  Also, don’t forget to check out the Roast of Dee Snider tonight, with Jim Florentine, Jim Norton and many others, all on AXS.tv.  I personally won’t be able to catch it, as I will be knee deep in your mom’s snatch, looking for shelter like Rawdog told me too.  But not until I first throw a rock in that pussy to see just how deep it is…..still waiting for a ‘Ker-Plunk’, OH!

 

 

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/23/2013

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Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

What else would The Wing wanna do on a Wednesday, but ride a bull and be a cowboy.  Oh, and of course shout out to the man, the myth, the ledge Chad Reed…who’s currently in 3rd place overall, just ahead of TotoMotoPoto and Dungey.  Of course its gotta be due to his sabotage tactics, reminiscent of the Cold War or any 80’s movie.  He better have that shit handy if he ever faces Spider Man at next year’s A-1, that dudes got skills.  Death! Death! Die! got skills too, and laid down a fresh track last night, didn’t get to hear it yet, but were all wet with anticipation!  Of course the real task was reading Shoebox’s graffiti lyric sheet.  That reminds me, FUCK Revolver Magazine, and the Dallas Cowboys while were at it!  Just please never trust an awards show, or a Canadian who lives in -41 degree weather, again!  That goes for Beyonce too, stupid Milli Vanilli acting bitch.  Also, don’t trust anyone who owns an automatic weapon, but isn’t cool with them being banned or controlled, or some sketchy shit like that.  More gun talk, and some video of a dude who says kids won’t be allowed to own turtles if we ban assault rifles, but I couldn’t find it and it wasn’t that riveting.

 

 

Happy BDay Tully's Mom!

Happy BDay Tully’s Mom!

Hollywood News is always riveting, and so is Johnny Deep’s ex girl friend, who’s fucking some new chic, yup!  Arnold is more interested in fucking his old chic, lizard lips.  Speaking of Arnold, turns out Rawdog saw The Last Stand recently, and said it was damn good despite his gut going into the movie, and that it was only like 10th ranked after its opening weekend in box office sales.  What was #1?  Your Mama, seriously it was.  Of course none of those are a match for The Jew Box.  Ellis gave us a in depth recap of this masterpiece, starring Matisyahu, and whoever else is in the fucking movie.  Sounded good to me, especially the ‘Jew Buzzer’ scene, so be sure to get it up ya!  Do you know the difference between a Jew and a canoe?  Snoop Lion doesn’t know the first thing about being a Rasta, or so says Bunny Wailer.  Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know the first thing about a lot of things, plus she ain’t selling out either.  Adele isn’t selling out her kid or his name, shes just too stupid to pull it off is all.  Shia LaBeouf ain’t selling or sharing any of the shit he scored on the set of his next movie.  And last but certainly not least, please don’t follow @jew_box on twitter, dude called the show and its pretty fucking creepy.

 

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

Check this muthafucker here out, naked on a roof, jumps off roof, breaks into home, jerks it on rug, shits on sidewalk, rubs himself over kids clothes n shit, oh and it took place in Florida!  Jim Florentine took his place in Florida, after being 18 and laid only twice, he nailed a smoking hot chic first day in Florida.  He stayed for 2 years!  So what’s Jim been up to these days, who the fuck knows as he and Tully just spent the next hour comparing Ellismate’s sexual adventures lately, to hall of fame baseball careers such as Ted Williams, Randy “Big Unit” Johnson, and of course knuckleballer R.A. Dickey (Who has a long way to go to the HOF – just saying).  From 3-2 counts to inside-the-park home runs, Florentine and Tully fucking lost me on this one, but hilarious none the less.  Apparently Jim’s also big into asking his buddies for advice on the best moves to put on their ex hook ups.  Hey man, if you know a trick she loves, hook me up with that info homie.  And if you know a chic who’s cool with you shitting out a nugget, while having sex, I don’t fucking believe you for one second!  Of course Jim wasn’t here to talk about that, though you could have fooled me, instead he will take part in the Roast of Dee Snider, tomorrow night at 9pm ET on AXS.tv.  But enough about Jim, whats Ellis been up to?  How about shoving 18 gauge needles in his ass and getting fake Canadian birth certificates, Red Dragons to you my friend.

 

Find out on TJES!

Find out on TJES!

We found out Rawdog ain’t alone in his love of large areolas.  One Jim Florentine gave our furry friend the nod of approval when hearing the news.  Does that mean Robin Quivers has huge nip nips?  One can only dream….about this nasty bitch from Boston, who beats her man for fa’ting in the bed, the nod, while singing her smash hit with Ellismate, “Ha’d to Fa’t” – which was lame, but no where near as creepy as WesleyPipes-tallica.  Dick dog just wasn’t made for that riff, but the Ellis show is made for Jew jokes, needle talk, areolas and of course, shitting out nuggets while fucking some broad….or selling a BMW too, that’s kinda gnarly.  Jew Joke:  This kid asks his dad for fifty bucks, so the Jewish dad says “Forty bucks, what do you need Thirty bucks for?”   If that didn’t sell you on listening tomorrow On Demand, then how about inverted nipples, hairy nipples, and of course skittles popping out of nipples.  No, then its gotta be the baseball/Ellis sex life that has you intrigued.  For me, I personally am a huge fan of the Jew jokes, including my favorite joke about your mom…..she’s a Jew…..a ‘Load Jew’, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/22/2013

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This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

Wassup you filthy, shameful, fuckers of mothers and fathers? Let’s see what today’s show has in store for us. We got a new old show intro, the Taintstick Balls version made a comeback and I think that makes everyone happy. The guys took a little time to perfect their “balls” screams. Apparently there were a few people who were pissed that they weren’t live yesterday, and they’ve been invited to come to EllisMania and each of them get 1 minute to fight Ellis. In awesome news, Vitor Belfort knocked the shit out of that turd faced, neo maxi zoom dweebie, Michael Bisping! Jude came in with his shiny ass shoes and multicolored striped socks to lay his two cents on the table about MMA, and how he has yet to be jacked off by the girl who cuts his hair. Ellis went to the AVN awards over the weekend, and realized that porn stars on the red carpet aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. Who knew? Since Ellis was there with Katie and Malice, dudes were thinking he was banging both of them by himself, so there was no shortage of creepy dudes coming by fist bumping and trying to hang at their table in hopes of at least getting to watch them and jerk off or something.

Grab your soup and smokes, it's NMT.

Grab your soup and smokes, it’s NMT.

Wanna go see some acoustic metal? If you said yes, then check out Machine Head dates: Riverside, CA 1/23; San Diego, CA 1/24; Anaheim, CA 1/25; Fullerton, CA 1/26. This brought us to an early version of NMT, but before that, Tully saw an increasingly rare sight, some dude wearing a jean jacket with Agent Orange and rocker clothes and shit. You thought they were extinct, but oh no, there are still a few that exist. We got to hear some of that outlaw country stuff Johnny Knoxville was telling us about when he was on the show, and then a bunch of other garbage – with the exception of Adam Ant. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog makes a weird “I’m giving an amateur blowjob” face when he’s grooving to music. Coming up next was America’s favorite (after Rawdog’s mother) paper champ porn star, Belladonna, showcasing her deep throating skills on a massive dildo. She also provided some helpful information, if you purchase any toys (like a massive dildo), make sure it doesn’t smell or it’s going to burn your asshole.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

Then we got some shock collar movie review with Cumtard reviewing the movie “Dredd” that stars nobody you fucking heard of. Of course he got the shit shocked out of him, but the real twist here was that Ellis made him another bet, if Ellis watched the movie and thought it sucked, Cumtard had to suck a dick and get shocked during his oral performance. The twist? Ellis said he already saw the movie and thought it sucked! Enter Brockallina and a shock collar while Belladonna gave dick sucking advice to Cumtard, you know, to really spice things up and make everyone that much more happier. The movie sounds like it could be a pretty big piece of shit, but according to Cumtard and the Twitter-sphere, it’s a good movie – so IBM presents, you make the call. Belladonna stayed in studio to administer some excellent advice to a bunch of a different callers about all their different sexual questions. And I’ll tell you what, she’s way better than a Dr. Ruth. People used to think your mom, given her chosen profession as sex worker, would be good at giving sexual advice. Turns out her answer to every question was, “just close your eyes and try not to think about the fact that you’re eating shit covered in jizz.” Needless to say, most people didn’t take her advice and chose to just puked in her mouth, fuck it, and then left. OH!