Happy Wednesday, you filthy mongrels. You’ve clicked on a link that led you to my words and I hope Hooked on Phonics worked for you because we got some shit to get into. Today Jason opened up the show talking about how happy he is with his new gym and all the cool MMA training he gets to do there. He is the most skilled in the classes, so he isn’t getting rocked 4 times a day and he found out the place (Legends I think he said) is right down the street from his house so that fucking rules. Additionally, he gets to train with about 15 people in the gym, which motivates the shit out of him to push it as far as he can, rather than by himself where he takes breaks whenever he gasses. Which makes sense, because when I’m banging your mom, I always ejaculate right as I feel it coming on. But when there are 15 other dudes there I suck it up and give that old hag all I’ve got.

Good news for all of you people whiny enough to bitch about there being no replays, but too cheap to get On-Demand: Ellis replays will be playing on Faction weekdays from 9-11AM Eastern. And what’s more is that it won’t just be a Best Of with interviews you’ve heard a hundred times, it will be a compilation of highlights from the show the day before. So we can all change our tampon now and breath a sigh of relief.

The story everyone has been talking about for the last few days is, of course, the three kidnapped girls in Cleveland that a neighbor named Charles Ramsey rescued when he heard one of the girls screaming. Ramsey apparently was even offered a $25,000 reward and turned it down saying if there was a reward they should just give it to those girls. Red Dragons a million times to that dude. Turns out the girls had been impregnated and had kids while being held in the basement by the sick fucks holding them there. Reports are even saying that there had been several other pregnancies and the cops found the remains of the infants in the back yard. Naturally this turned the discussion into what possible torture these motherfuckers deserve, and really there isn’t much you could do that wouldn’t be appropriate. One of the best suggested on the show was tying the dudes up and letting the girls wail on them with sticks and shit until they felt like that was enough. But really, what you could do is: Tie their hands and feet to ropes attached to the ceiling in floor (upside down or not is irrelevant) and start slowly chiseling away at their bones. Start with the shins because you have a good flat surface to work with. With a dull knife, flay open the skin and start chipping away on the center of the bone. You will get a few good craters going pretty quickly and eventually you will get a good hairline split up the entire bone. Good, you’re done there for now. Now what you want to do is cauterize that with a red hot piece of metal. Find yourself a sharper but serrated knife and place it gently below the knee cap where the skin is kinda soft. Then rake that shit back and forth until the whole thing pops off and you’ve got yourself one whole knee cap, friend. We’ve spent too much time on the legs now, turn your attention to the eyelids and, with a pair of fingernail clippers, pinch those fuckers off and feed them to him. You get the idea, these fuckers need to pay and not be sent to prison for life where they get hot meals and a bed to sleep on for the rest of their life. These girls’ lives will never be that easy again, why should theirs?

Oh shit, we gotta make this funny again don’t we? In the most Australian act ever performed, a 16-year-old Aussie threw half of a Vegemite sandwich at Prime Minister Huge Tits. At the time, she was speaking about lowering the voting age from 18 to 16, so I guess she got her answer. Rawdog just couldn’t shut up about the PM’s boobs and it got super distracting. Dude bangs one chubby pornstar with huge cans and he’s like a junkie lookin for a fix. By the way, the Dog is going out on another date with that chick and this time he is probably going to get laid, which means he will probably break a hip because she is going to eat him alive. Anyway, the whole voting thing steered the conversation towards Josh saying he was a lot dumber 10 years ago when he was 17. And Tully asking him if 10 years from now he will realize how dumb he is at 27. If Ellis had his own Storage Wars type show, he would make it so when whoever bought the unit opened the door, he’d be in there fucking their mom. Hard.

Remember that time Dom put on the shock collar? Well if you liked that, there was 45 minutes more of it today! I really appreciate when they do stuff like this, because it makes my job re-capping these things really fucking easy. The game was Shocking Movie Quotes, and Dom, being the good sport he is strapped on the collar, read movie quotes and they guys had to guess what movie it was. Jason had the remote, and I never knew you could evoke such happiness through the radio before. It was like Christmas morning for Australians. Dom would scream and choke out movie quotes and the guys just wouldn’t say the right answer, so Dom got shocked for 45 minutes. This one had the people of Twitter a bit divided. Some hated it and thought Dom’s screams were annoying, and others loved the shit out of it. Personally, I was rolling on the floor laughing the whole time, and there will be some sweet ass buttons coming in the next few days from it.

Hollywood news was much like any other Hollywood news segment. Some celebrities did some shit, Justin Beiber did something that any young, super famous dude with seemingly unlimited funds would do, and rappers got arrested. There were a couple notable ones that spun off other topics, like how Snoop Dogg(I will not say Lion) admitted he used to be an actual pimp. Tully said that it was a really stupid move to say that at this point in his career, and he shouldn’t be proud of it, which was pretty much the general consensus. Madonna sold a painting for some ungodly amount of money and gave it all to her charity that helps kids in Afghanistan. This sparked an argument between Jason and Josh about Madonna’s true intentions when she adopted those kids all those years ago. Jason saying she did it to help a poor orphan kid and Josh saying she swooped in, snatched up the kid and disappeard in a cloud of American cash. Whether she did that or not, the kid is obviously living a much better life in one of Madonna’s mansions rather than a mud hut in Malawi, so she’s doing some good. That Soul Surfer chick with one arm is getting engaged and her fiancee went off on a Jesus/God rant on his blog about how God blah blah blah blah and they are so in love because of God’s blobbity bloop. Tully swooped in and brought up a conversation he had with Mrs. Tully about how much more individualized christianity/western world is than other religions/regions. Take China for instance(No, please take it?), everyone there doesn’t give a shit about expressing themselves and doesn’t have a need to personalize everything they do, and it works out for them. But with the western world, everyone has to find a way to make it all about themselves, and how God love THEM because THEY live THEIR life through God. Basically, Christians be selfish, yo.

Eva Longoria maids shit. That was a note I wrote myself while listening, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was about, so I’m going to close this edition of the NYA re-cap with pure speculation as to what that may entail. Eva Longoria lives a very good life. She was/is in movies and TV, was married to a pro basketball player and still has a rocking body to boot. Eva gets done with a busy day doing photo shoots, comes home and notices a turd just inside the door way. She kneels down and sniffs it, and confirms it is human, and begins looking for her maid to come clean it up. However, she doesn’t get far before she notices another small turd sitting on the lavish stairwell leading to her bedroom. Again, she bends down and this one is a little fresher than the last, she can feel a bit of heat coming off of it still. The shit had just been shat. In full Desperate Housewives panic mode, she bursts through the french doors into her bedroom and sees her maid squatting over Tony Parker and laying a crisp mud baby on his chest. Eva, now enraged, grabs the closest blunt object, a feather duster the maid had left on the floor by the door. She begins flailing it wildly at Tony and the maid and smears shit everywhere along the room. And that my friends, is how you get shit on your feather duster.

Look, I had no idea where I was going with that when I started, so I apologize if you took that entire journey only to have the image of Eva Longoria flailing a feather duster covered in fecal matter at Tony Parker and a maid. I really need to start writing better notes I guess, and I’ll make it up to you. I promise, this time it’s different. You’re the only one for me, baby, and I know I’m not perfect but I can try.

The end?

Lemme just preface this recap by saying I hate the general public, with the fucking FURY OF A THOUSAND ZEUSES!!! But, I have wonderful afternoon radio to prevent my slow descent into madness. That said, Hi and thanks for stopping in, I love you guys like Rawdog loves Nuggets. Anyway, after eleven minutes of multi-crescendo techno jams, Ellis started the show talking about how it’s probably not easy to be a sailor. He is a man of many talents, but even he has doubts about his own nautical skills. Plus there’s almost as much butt fucking going on in the ocean as there is in prison, so if that’s not your thing, you may want to just avoid boats in general. Rawdog had to chime in to let us know that sailing is good for old people, so when Ellis gets old he’s got a possible fall back hobby for those golden years. Jason started toying with the idea of putting the show on a boat and taking a trip around the world with it. Jason also mentioned Brazil and only getting blowjobs cause shit is sketchy down there right now. This led to some talk about how people are being really irresponsible when it comes to condoms, AIDS and herpes and annoying little bastard kids and all the other bad results, and it seems like folks in general could use a refresher as to why it’s a good idea to keep that thing wrapped up unless you really don’t want to enjoy the rest of your life. And don’t trust the pill either cause, well, women are the ones responsible for taking it and, I mean, women… am I right? Gotta be careful with the pull out method too, cause you might be enjoying yourself more than you realize and you’ll be right in that pre-cum zone, and before you know it that aggressive 7 you pulled down at the dive bar around the corner from your buddy’s house has got her hooks in you for the next 18 Christmases. Rude Jude had to chime in to give his own personal spin on this whole thing, basically he’s way more worried about making another kid than getting AIDS, but he totally endorses more titty fucking. Seriously though, the mental weight of all the unplanned pregnancies he may or may not have taken part in can get really hard to power through, so he wraps his tool. And you can always get blowjobs and be really smart where you aim it so you don’t have any surprises. Jude also had some inside info about all the gold digging hoes that fuck football players and do crazy shit poking holes in condoms and recycling loads with turkey basters and shit. Rawdog had to let Jude know about his adventures titty fucking and shooting a load in a porn stars mouth over the weekend and got his due congratulations for it. Remember folks, be friendly to titties and it can pay off. Our old friend Emily from SD got a shout out on air for posing the question “If men don’t like who they are fucking, then why the fuck are they fucking them?” This led to some good conversation from the guys about how it’s totally possible to like someone without wanting to perpetuate the species with them, and how we men are constantly at war with the things our dick tries to make us do. A few guys called in to talk about times that they have been irresponsible with their dicks and might have gotten people knocked up or had some entrapment pulled on them. The best advice the guys could come up with is to always ask your new fuck doll where she wants it before it’s too late and you’re at a home birthing class surrounded by patchoulie snorting hipsters who refuse to wear any shoes that aren’t completely vegan. Then again, would you let that kind of entrapment happen if it was a hot ass famous celebrity, just to feed your own dreams? You wouldn’t be the first person to go through with that plan (COUGH COUGH Brangelina COUGH Ashton and Demi COUGH COUGH COUGH) and it’s not the worst plan if you really want to be on TMZ. Rawdog read a tweet from the real Scott Stapp from the band creed that he wouldbe answering questions if you use the hashtag #AskScottStapp on twitter. The guys spent a few minutes coming up with the best they could, some of the gems were “Why won’t you die?” “Where’s your god now?” “Have you ever listened to Alice In Chains?” “I heard Creed got back together, why are you doing this to us?” and a few other decent ones. The questions from all us fans on twitter had a few gems as well. Then Tully happened on the sex tape that got released in 2006 of Scott Stapp getting blown on a tour bus with Kid Rock back in 1999. And since none of us want to see that, lets break for some MACHINE FUCKING HEAD!!!

So, Dom is kind of a tard, but in the really lovable way. Rawdog was supposed to do moon news, but the Dom Ass news button was the only one they could find. But fuck it, Doug Benson is here to rap with us about stuff. But definitely not about the moon, although he smokes enough weed that he’s probably visited the moon once or twice. But more importantly, we’ve finally got an answer about that little 6 inch skeleton Beavis they found in south America. Turns out, it was an 8 year old child that was also the smallest human being to ever survive outside the womb. Of course, since midgets live in dog years, eight is like 63, so that little dude definitely got some shit accomplished in his years. This sparked a debate over whether or not this falls into the category of Moon News or Dead Baby News. Rawdog thinks it’s moon news cause everyone thought it was an alien, and Jason says it’s dead baby news because even if it is an alien, it’s a dead baby alien. Anyways, on to more important things, like Doug Benson! I’m sure he didn’t come on the show to hear some bullshit about a six inch sperm cell that got dug up in the amazon. The guys talked TV and movie pitches for a while. It was a good brainstorming session for some old ideas that Ellis had, like Steve Deadload now being six inches tall. Doug also has a podcast that was previously postponed but is now back in the works, so if you’ve got the time go check it out.  They talked celebrity status for a bit and Doug said he definitely knows some people who have probably blown him off just cause of how famous they are, but that he’s getting to the point where he’s got a few people he can pass that along to when he feels like it. And then, Rawdog came to slap his nuts all over the show’s titties and had to do our favorite segment in the world NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! WITH SPECIAL NON MUSICAL GUEST DOUG BENSON!!! AND NO, HE’S NOT GONNA SHARE A BONG RIP WITH YOU RAWDOG, AND YES, IT’S BECAUSE OF NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! So anyway, first up we heard the new single from Big B, with a little assistance from Pink and Butch Walker, and it definitely fits his style nicely, if you’re into what he puts out, then go grab the new album. After that was the new one from Rod Stewart and folks, I gotta tell you, it was *sigh* hard to deal with if you liked the song Maggie May. Next up was a mixtape from Chance the Rapper, it was not the worst I’ve heard from this genre of music, and considering the amount of shitty rap I’ve heard, that’s actually pretty good. Next, we heard Lauryn Hill’s desperate cry to not get arrested for tax evasion and if you’ve always been a fan then I’m not gonna change your mind with anything I have to say. After that we were treated to Beyonce and Andre 3000 doing a cover of An Amy Winehouse song for the Great Gatsby soundtrack, and it made me want to take lots and lots and lots of heroin and have no phone, ever again, while I sit in a cold bathtub reliving all of my issues with everyone at my elementary school who made me hate my childhood. Next up was a new country jam from The Pistol Annies and like most country music, I did my best to tune out so that I don’t support anything the white devil creates. After that we got to hear The Hackson Clone (spell check, or don’t, I don’t care and Rawdog has a speech impediment, so whatever) and it was another of the normal ambient noise based electronic waking comas that Tussin Wolf likes to have going in the background when he’s titty fucking a Rubenesque porn star. After that we got a blast from the past from the boys in 98 Degrees, reminding us all why we didn’t get any action if you went to junior high near the end of the nineties cause all the bitches were all about the boy bands that would never be available to truly satisfy them. The new single from Savages was the next track we heard, and they wrote a kind of catchy punk song about porn star Belladonna, and all the degrading sexual adventures we would all like to have with her, and being a bit of a punk rocker myself, it was pretty catchy. Next we got a taste of the new one from Joe Satriani, and even though Howie Mandel straight ganked his style from day one, Satch is still the fucking boss when it comes to 80’s styled, solo based guitar instrumentals. After that we heard the new single from the metal bad Sodom, and no it wasn’t about anal sex, but it was the kind of music you could certainly have rough sex to while sacrificing a goat to our lord and master, the one known as Beelzebub, his holy darkness Satan. Next we heard the new one from Talib Kwele, and it’s definitely right along the same lines as the stuff he’s released in the past, and that’s not a bad thing, so try a couple more tracks from him and enjoy the tasty grooves. Last but not least, we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week by Mikal Cronin, which made me want to start another instagram account just so I can join in with #ShitStainSaturday with all the other cool kids. At this point, Ellis had to step in and let Rawdog know that he missed one very important new release from the band Silverchair, and that this mistake is pretty much equal in offensiveness to walking into an NAACP meeting in full KKK gear. Luckily, Jason had it on his phone to play for all of us, and as cool as Australia sounds to me, I can’t necessarily stand behind every product that comes out of that country, so there you go. Despite all the fine musical achievements we heard today, Rawdog let us know that this was a tough week for new music, there was so much of it to choose from that he had to cut almost ten songs from the segment today, including Silverchair and She And Him, y’know, Zooey Deschanel’s band. We got a clip of it, and it sounds like she’s just trying to keep proving to all of us that she can make anything a total hipster move if she puts her mind to it. Then, everybody on twitter clued Rawdog in to the fact that that “New” song from Silverchair is actually seven years old, and Rawdog totally fell for it, but the real joke is on Jason, cause he only downloaded it after seeing a tweet from Mark McGrath saying what an awesome tune it was. Thus ends another New Music Tuesday, now for the love of Christ, please play me something I already know I like, that I don’t need to adjust to with the changing of the times, like some Guns and Roses. Yeah, rocket queen, that’s what I want to hear…

Oh fuck me twice like it ain’t gonna hurt either time, it’s HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Jah Rule was in jail, for illegal weapons possession and tax evasion, like so many rappers these days, but just got out, so hopefully he can keep that streak going. Patrick Schwarzenegger got kicked out of a club and then threatened to kick the shit out of the DJ, biggest problem is he’s only 19 and shouldn’t have been at the club in the first place. Kobe Bryant and his mom are suing each other cause she sold a bunch of his old shit so that she could buy a new house, and now he’s saying she actually came and flat out stole shit from him too. Liam Gallagher from the band Oasis (remember them?) almost died from eating a blue M&M, which put him in to an allergic shock due to a previously undiagnosed peanut allergy. Lauryn Hill, who we heard earlier on new music tuesday, is going to jail for tax evasion, and also seems to think that being a musical success is no different than her great great great grandparents experience as slaves. Mick Mars got knocked over on stage, like a BIOTCH but people came and helped him up. Someone attacked Justin Bieber on stage in Dubai, and I want to buy that dude a beer. Bieber also made a lot of Turkish fans happy by stopping the show twice to observe regular Muslim prayer sessions. The Rolling Stones are gonna be doing their 50th anniversary tour, but they’re having trouble selling tickets cause they charge too god damn much, and it’s getting so bad that they might have to renegotiate how much money they demand for making appearances, cause y’know, things are tough all over, and the Stones can certainly do their part to stop being self righteous greedy assholes. Led Zeppelin got back together for the super storm Sandy benefit concert, but what’s really awesome is that they got back together because Bill Clinton asked them personally. One of the producers of Notorious B.I.G.s album “Ready To Die” got caught picking up a man hooker in a parking lot, but the guy he picked up turned out to be an undercover cop. Dr. Drew is putting a stop to Celebrity rehab because people are blaming him for other people who are already drug addicts before he’s even met them or had anything to do with them. Lindsay Lohan is trying to find a way to keep her Adderall while she’s in rehab, but the man isn’t so sure she needs it. Joe Francis, the guy who started girls gone wild, if you’ll remember he got arrested in 2011 for assault and he’s finally gotten convicted of it and will be going to jail. Jake Ellenberger was trying to come in to the studio, but either it’s way more hidden than us fans realize or Dom doesn’t know how to lead anyone in to the parking lot. The guys took a break to get it sorted out cause it’s always nice to have new friends of the show stop by to introduce themselves to the fans.

SHARK NEWS!!! Some 16 year old kid in Florida got attacked by an adult bull shark cause he was dumb enough to go in the water. And his asshole friends went back to the same spot to keep surfing after the ambulance hauled him off. But fuck Florida, Jake Ellenberger came on the show today to talk MMA and bullshit with the guys for a while. Jake is also into moto, so him and Jason click pretty well. The guys talked training for a bit, Jason is just getting back into it after Jake’s recommendation to go to Gracie Jiu Jitsu. Ellis wants to get in fighting shape, at least well enough to convince Jake to take a fight with him (possibly the next EllisMania or the one after?). Jake has been fighting for years, seeing as he has a twin brother and the two of them are both fans of the sport. Jake talked for a while about his quest for a GSP’s belt, and how it’s totally worth it if he gets brain damage along the way. Jason and Jake talked strategy in the ring and about how Ariel Helwani is only so-so at his job cause he’s gotta be all TV friendly when you ask a guy “God Damn, you got the shit kicked out of you, how fucked up does your head feel after all that shit you were talking?” Jake says that Ellis is probably better for the job cause he doesn’t have to really hold his tongue for anybody. They talked about how some people in the UFC may be good folks but still kind of need to get the living fuck beaten out of them. Jake of course had to take a turn with the punch meter and scored right above Tully and dead even with Bert McCracken and Herpes Stroke Face. Of course, after the official score, he took a fourth shot and scored right under Jason, locking his new number in at second place. Jason and Jake talked fighting and MMA bro stuff a little while longer and seemed to get along great, so good on ya boys. Ellis held out an olive branch by offering to get on twitter and destroying whoever might be putting a damper on Jake’s day. While Jake scrolled through his phone book to see who he wanted to fuck with, Tully found a story about a guy who had a runny nose for a solid year and it turned out that he’s leaking fluid out of brain, which is metal as fuck, but really not good for you. Jake couldn’t find anybody who deserved any online wrath from Ellis, but Jake did float the idea that He might buy a Mega boat one day after he gets the built and gets rid of his Nissan Frontier. Of course, the guys had to ask in advance if they could borrow it for the remake of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Rawdog found a story of some guy that was denied entry to the U.K. because he had no arms so he couldn’t provide a fingerprint to a customs agent. Somehow, this spiraled in to talk about making human projectiles with speedboats. Then there was talk of vigilante crime fighting. Then it all came back to what the fuck is up with that dude with no arms and why he shouldn’t need to provide a fingerprint, cause really, you’re easy to spot in a crowd and cause pretty much anyone can take you in a fight. Ellis talked to Dana White a few days ago and was able to confirm that they are definitely still bros. Jason asked for a little help getting fighters to come on the show and without skipping a beat, Dana had people calling Ellis to set shit up, so shout out to that dude. After that we got final calls, so like most days not the best thing to listen to, but considering some previous final call sessions it was not the worst day ever to round out all four hours of fucktarded brilliance that makes up most of the show.

In my younger days, I was always searching for more meaning in my day to day life. It seemed to me that there had to be some greater purpose for me. So one day, I asked a couple friends if they had any ideas about this, and one of them said “I hear that bitch ‘Trina gives good head, how do we make some money off that?” And in that moment I knew, I was born to be a stone cold P.I.M.P.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,