Happy Wednesday, you filthy mongrels. You’ve clicked on a link that led you to my words and I hope Hooked on Phonics worked for you because we got some shit to get into. Today Jason opened up the show talking about how happy he is with his new gym and all the cool MMA training he gets to do there. He is the most skilled in the classes, so he isn’t getting rocked 4 times a day and he found out the place (Legends I think he said) is right down the street from his house so that fucking rules. Additionally, he gets to train with about 15 people in the gym, which motivates the shit out of him to push it as far as he can, rather than by himself where he takes breaks whenever he gasses. Which makes sense, because when I’m banging your mom, I always ejaculate right as I feel it coming on. But when there are 15 other dudes there I suck it up and give that old hag all I’ve got.
Good news for all of you people whiny enough to bitch about there being no replays, but too cheap to get On-Demand: Ellis replays will be playing on Faction weekdays from 9-11AM Eastern. And what’s more is that it won’t just be a Best Of with interviews you’ve heard a hundred times, it will be a compilation of highlights from the show the day before. So we can all change our tampon now and breath a sigh of relief.
The story everyone has been talking about for the last few days is, of course, the three kidnapped girls in Cleveland that a neighbor named Charles Ramsey rescued when he heard one of the girls screaming. Ramsey apparently was even offered a $25,000 reward and turned it down saying if there was a reward they should just give it to those girls. Red Dragons a million times to that dude. Turns out the girls had been impregnated and had kids while being held in the basement by the sick fucks holding them there. Reports are even saying that there had been several other pregnancies and the cops found the remains of the infants in the back yard. Naturally this turned the discussion into what possible torture these motherfuckers deserve, and really there isn’t much you could do that wouldn’t be appropriate. One of the best suggested on the show was tying the dudes up and letting the girls wail on them with sticks and shit until they felt like that was enough. But really, what you could do is: Tie their hands and feet to ropes attached to the ceiling in floor (upside down or not is irrelevant) and start slowly chiseling away at their bones. Start with the shins because you have a good flat surface to work with. With a dull knife, flay open the skin and start chipping away on the center of the bone. You will get a few good craters going pretty quickly and eventually you will get a good hairline split up the entire bone. Good, you’re done there for now. Now what you want to do is cauterize that with a red hot piece of metal. Find yourself a sharper but serrated knife and place it gently below the knee cap where the skin is kinda soft. Then rake that shit back and forth until the whole thing pops off and you’ve got yourself one whole knee cap, friend. We’ve spent too much time on the legs now, turn your attention to the eyelids and, with a pair of fingernail clippers, pinch those fuckers off and feed them to him. You get the idea, these fuckers need to pay and not be sent to prison for life where they get hot meals and a bed to sleep on for the rest of their life. These girls’ lives will never be that easy again, why should theirs?
Oh shit, we gotta make this funny again don’t we? In the most Australian act ever performed, a 16-year-old Aussie threw half of a Vegemite sandwich at Prime Minister Huge Tits. At the time, she was speaking about lowering the voting age from 18 to 16, so I guess she got her answer. Rawdog just couldn’t shut up about the PM’s boobs and it got super distracting. Dude bangs one chubby pornstar with huge cans and he’s like a junkie lookin for a fix. By the way, the Dog is going out on another date with that chick and this time he is probably going to get laid, which means he will probably break a hip because she is going to eat him alive. Anyway, the whole voting thing steered the conversation towards Josh saying he was a lot dumber 10 years ago when he was 17. And Tully asking him if 10 years from now he will realize how dumb he is at 27. If Ellis had his own Storage Wars type show, he would make it so when whoever bought the unit opened the door, he’d be in there fucking their mom. Hard.
Remember that time Dom put on the shock collar? Well if you liked that, there was 45 minutes more of it today! I really appreciate when they do stuff like this, because it makes my job re-capping these things really fucking easy. The game was Shocking Movie Quotes, and Dom, being the good sport he is strapped on the collar, read movie quotes and they guys had to guess what movie it was. Jason had the remote, and I never knew you could evoke such happiness through the radio before. It was like Christmas morning for Australians. Dom would scream and choke out movie quotes and the guys just wouldn’t say the right answer, so Dom got shocked for 45 minutes. This one had the people of Twitter a bit divided. Some hated it and thought Dom’s screams were annoying, and others loved the shit out of it. Personally, I was rolling on the floor laughing the whole time, and there will be some sweet ass buttons coming in the next few days from it.
Hollywood news was much like any other Hollywood news segment. Some celebrities did some shit, Justin Beiber did something that any young, super famous dude with seemingly unlimited funds would do, and rappers got arrested. There were a couple notable ones that spun off other topics, like how Snoop Dogg(I will not say Lion) admitted he used to be an actual pimp. Tully said that it was a really stupid move to say that at this point in his career, and he shouldn’t be proud of it, which was pretty much the general consensus. Madonna sold a painting for some ungodly amount of money and gave it all to her charity that helps kids in Afghanistan. This sparked an argument between Jason and Josh about Madonna’s true intentions when she adopted those kids all those years ago. Jason saying she did it to help a poor orphan kid and Josh saying she swooped in, snatched up the kid and disappeard in a cloud of American cash. Whether she did that or not, the kid is obviously living a much better life in one of Madonna’s mansions rather than a mud hut in Malawi, so she’s doing some good. That Soul Surfer chick with one arm is getting engaged and her fiancee went off on a Jesus/God rant on his blog about how God blah blah blah blah and they are so in love because of God’s blobbity bloop. Tully swooped in and brought up a conversation he had with Mrs. Tully about how much more individualized christianity/western world is than other religions/regions. Take China for instance(No, please take it?), everyone there doesn’t give a shit about expressing themselves and doesn’t have a need to personalize everything they do, and it works out for them. But with the western world, everyone has to find a way to make it all about themselves, and how God love THEM because THEY live THEIR life through God. Basically, Christians be selfish, yo.
Eva Longoria maids shit. That was a note I wrote myself while listening, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was about, so I’m going to close this edition of the NYA re-cap with pure speculation as to what that may entail. Eva Longoria lives a very good life. She was/is in movies and TV, was married to a pro basketball player and still has a rocking body to boot. Eva gets done with a busy day doing photo shoots, comes home and notices a turd just inside the door way. She kneels down and sniffs it, and confirms it is human, and begins looking for her maid to come clean it up. However, she doesn’t get far before she notices another small turd sitting on the lavish stairwell leading to her bedroom. Again, she bends down and this one is a little fresher than the last, she can feel a bit of heat coming off of it still. The shit had just been shat. In full Desperate Housewives panic mode, she bursts through the french doors into her bedroom and sees her maid squatting over Tony Parker and laying a crisp mud baby on his chest. Eva, now enraged, grabs the closest blunt object, a feather duster the maid had left on the floor by the door. She begins flailing it wildly at Tony and the maid and smears shit everywhere along the room. And that my friends, is how you get shit on your feather duster.
Look, I had no idea where I was going with that when I started, so I apologize if you took that entire journey only to have the image of Eva Longoria flailing a feather duster covered in fecal matter at Tony Parker and a maid. I really need to start writing better notes I guess, and I’ll make it up to you. I promise, this time it’s different. You’re the only one for me, baby, and I know I’m not perfect but I can try.