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Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

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It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

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Re-cap for Thursday, 10/17/2013

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show, where he is confused, but who cares about this shit? Let’s got on with the show because Rob Corddry is in the studio (or his home) and he has his shit together. If you didn’t listen (which, chances are- since you are reading this re-cap) you may not have realized that the show didn’t actually start on time. Or for…you know…like 2 hours. It’s okay though, cause this time it wasn’t because he got into a fender non-bender due to weird LA traffic, it was because he was stuck at the dentist getting a root canal. Why is this better? Because he got the gas…and anyone who has had the gas knows that getting holes drilled into your face is welllllllllll worth it. Ellis has no problem asking the dentist for gas despite the fact that he looks like a really jacked junkie, but Rob Corddry confesses that he doesn’t like asking for the gas because it makes him feel like people look at him like he’s seeking out drugs. Tully however wants to be a drugstore cowboy who looks like Rob Corddry because Corddry looks like the kind of guy who manages to be on so many drugs he looks like he isn’t actually on drugs and isn’t looking for any. Except maybe antibiotics.

Ellis chose to get the root canal done today because next week he is going to Panama, where he will spend at least one night glamping, and the dentist told him it would only take an hour. Well, a little more than 2 hours later Ellis managed to get to the elevator right as Rob Corddry did…so for all intents and purposes…he was on time. He’s the star of the show, the show isn’t the show without them, whatever time he chooses to get there is on time. Duh. While he was at the dentist getting his face drilled into and was sucking back whatever gas the dentist would let him have, he took a trip to a world where his Indian dentist transformed into Biggie Smalls and the mexican nurse turned Asian and started singing “My Blood” to him through her mask. “My Blood” if you aren’t hip and in the know, is the title of Jason’s solo song off of Death! Death! Die!’s (fuck you if you try and correct my punctuation on that one cause I would love for you to do better) upcoming album, which features a solo song from each member of the band that we all know and love and had the number one selling album (in Canada) on iTunes. Red Dragons. Ellis explains that originally he didn’t want to do a solo song, because he doesn’t think he’s that good with music…or lyrics, but he did one anyway since he loves the band and everyone else was doing it.

Rob Corddry did a bunch of movies and television shows for the year of 2013. Have you seen or heard of any of them? I haven’t because I don’t really watch television or go to movies that don’t have Bruce Willis or Harry Potter in them. One movie was Warm Bodies, where he played a zombie that started thinking. Which is one hell of a role, all things considered, since most zombies don’t have functioning frontal lobes. Another movie he was in was called Pain & Gain with a little actor you may have heard of: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. And even I know who that is, thanks to the Fast & Furious franchise (before there were too many movies for me to care anymore). How is working with The Rock? Awesome, since the apparent reason for The Rock’s excessive amounts of shiny muscley-ness is to protect his big, squishy, heart of gold. The Rock is a great guy who is liked by all and always seemed to be in a good mood, and probably doesn’t drink any of the tequila that he tweets with steak. Corddry has never seen The Rock’s penis, but has a good idea of what it’s like- utter perfection. Large, in charge, and no Rawdog, it doesn’t have its very own set of pecs, but it’s glorious nonetheless. Prolly just as shiny as the rest of him parting clouds in the sky for rays of sunshine to bounce off of while an unseen chorus holds a splendid chord of praise. Yeah, I can see that.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dicks in Hollywood that aren’t attached to built former pro-wrestlers turned movie stars. Who in particular? No one is naming names- but the breakdown is as follows: Actors are narcissistic dicks, Directors are controlling dicks, and the studio guys are the dicks who give all the other dicks back door blowjobs. In Hollywood you can only be a dick once because if you’re a dick to two people and they know each other, say goodbye to your career. Kathryn Heigl, for instance, is not a dick. Wait for it…I’m getting there. Kathryn Heigl has been all over the place lately with her winning too white for real life smile being all sorts of sweet because she thought she had more than one get out of dick-jail free card to the point where she surpassed being a dick and is just a big ol’ cunt that no one wants to work with. When you’re working in a place where it’s a safe bet 90 percent of the other people think their shit is just as odorless as yours, you probably shouldn’t go around acting like you aren’t base enough of a human being to shit in the first place. Because then, you’re just a cunt, and no one wants to make movies with you.

Pornstars also have cunts. They, however, usually have the good kind of cunt. The sexy kind that it’s alright to talk about. Have you noticed that the pornstars on Instagram have been posting lots of pics from the doctor with “Still open for business!” on the caption? I haven’t either, but, it’s a thing now. All the pornstars wanna let you know that it’s all good in the hood. Rat (I’m all kinds of snarky today). Tully and Rawdog inform Ellis and Corddry that this may be due to the fact that recently it was all over the news that there were a couple of pornstars who turned up HIV+, which is really shitty because porn is a business that hurts no one. I’m not trying to be sarcastic, porn is a great industry that aims to make people happy. Following this mini-outbreak the porn industry in California had to take an AIDs break, which was a great joke, but it also actually happened. The government shut down all filming (which is probably where the government got the idea of a shutdown of their own in the first place) until everyone could get tested and made sure every porn star knew that it was illegal for them to be fired for requesting males to use a condom during performance. Really.

Only half of Ellis’s face is working, but it’s still smarter than Rawdog’s whole face. What a surprise! Said no one. Ever. How high is Ellis exactly? Not high enough to not need a painkiller from Katie. Ellis informs us that there are two sorts of painkillers out there in the world- regular pain killers and the ‘get your bones ground down’ painkillers. If you get your bones ground down you get Percocet. However, if you go down the Mega Ramp in a basketball jersey and melt the skin off of your back and have good friends, you get Oxycontin and tell stories to people on balconies for 12 wonderful time-released hours. Corddry has also taken Oxycontin (albeit for non pain related activities…and only once) and says that it is wonderful. It’s too bad that Hillbillies ruined it by crushing it and snorting it. Ugh. Fucking Hillbillies. Tully says it wasn’t just the Hillbillies and he has multiple Hollywood figures and athletes to back that statement up, because smoking it is a thing now. But…Corddry is right, Oxycontin would be wonderful if it was prescribed and imbibed the way it was meant to be. But we’re humans and we don’t really know how to be smart like that. Drugs are bad.

You know what’s better than drugs for pain? More pain! Seriously. Josh questions this, thinking pain + pain = lots of pain, but Ellis insists that there comes a point where the pain just kind of cancels itself out. Even planning some major rager of a balls to the wall about to be knocked by a wrecking ball pain fest helps to start numbing out the pain. For example- Jason’s tooth hurts. He bets that if he starts calling Tokyo and Josh’s mom and says that he is just going to bring on the pain rain in their lives he would start to feel better. Josh thinks that will only work insofar as until Tokyo and his mom figures out who’s calling…and that the person has an achilles heel in their mouth. Josh is 100 percent convinced they will then attack his tooth. Damn. Maybe Josh should get his face drilled for a bit and make a comeback.

Rob Corddry should have a show on Ellis’s fabled upcoming channel. But, for real though. Ellis basically offered Rob the job on air who immediately and whole heartedly accepted (right before getting cold feet) because he has nothing going on. Which I don’t think is all that true considering he has an ongoing television show on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim- Children’s Hospital, and also has a new movie coming out, Hot Tub Time Machine 2. But Ellis didn’t find out about the new Hot Tub movie from Rob, he found out from co-star Clark Duke who he chatted with in the KTLA green room right before going out and KILLING IT. Why chat it up with the Duke? Because the other guy in the green room was that guy in The Patriot who betrayed his not really his yet almost a country and killed women and children by locking them in a church before setting it on fire because Jason Isaacs told him to. Dick.

Is Luke Skywalker the last Jedi? Or did he start on an all new race of Jedi after the credits? I’m sure he spawned some Jedi, and so did Leia and Han, because let’s not forget that Leia and Luke are twins so she probably could have kicked Darth’s ass just as hard. Except she would probably still have both of her real hands. Tully says that the only reason Luke was any sort of a bad ass Jedi was because his father was Darth fucking Vader, and who wouldn’t be a killer Jedi with that kind of backing. Ellis doesn’t think Luke was all that awesome because he lost a hand in the deal and was kind of a whiny little bitch throughout most of the series…but then again, so was Hayden Christiansan who played little Darth Vag, so maybe it’s just a familial phase. No way could Luke take Darth Maul and his double-ender. Another fight we all missed out on in the series- Darth Maul versus Master Yoda. Who would win? Will we ever know? Yoda was a pretty punchy, tumbly, acrobatic bastard…so it seems like it would be a ridiculous fight between his CGI’d little body and the crazy acrobatic Darth Maul. Set it up, Dana White. Josh’s most wanted fictional fight is a throwdown between Harry Potter and Frodo. Wizard against Hobbit. Who wins? With their magical powers Josh says that Frodo would win. Ellis says that it has to be without magic, good old fashioned brawl. Josh then says Potter would probably lay on the hurt because he’s bigger. Who would really win? The fans.

Time for a break. Or not, cause Jason is high. But don’t get cranky and pick on him, who else gets a root canal and then goes to their job? On top of that…who gets a root canal and then goes to their job where the number one requirement is fucking talking?!?!?!

Back from the break? So’s the government!!! Haha. It is though, not that anybody really missed it. Oh….maybe all those temporarily unemployed people did. Sorry. No one else did. The stenographer for the House of Representatives probably could have used the furlough since the stress of typing built upon her so that she started ranting in the middle of the House’s vote. It involved freemasons and the Illuminati or something. She got dragged out, still ranting, by security. Who probably were working for the freemasons.

It’s time to find out who is the next 5 Finger Death Punch!!!!!!!! Are you excited? Or are you as angry as Ellis that such a downright shit-level Nickelback 3 band is raking in the dough by sucking balls? He made a mental note to share with us that he heard 5 Finger Death Punch on Octane (or somewhere) and was so enraged by how fucking terrible they were he had to mention their ass sucking on the radio. Check mark next to that box. The good news though, for all of you sucky bands out there? There will always be whores who like you because you’re in a band and they will give you a blowjob when you’re in town. Really can’t ask for much more outta life than that.

This actually was an introduction to the long-awaited segment Unsigned Bands versus Unsigned Farts. After hundreds upon hundreds of submissions, of which at least 20 were from bands, Tully presented us with the best of the best and pitted them against one another. In all we heard 12 bands and farts (if I’m reading my handwriting correctly) and I’m pretty sure the farts won. The best fart? That was from Bobby…a fart that came in hot and scared Katie winning its way into our hearts. Or something. The bands were…kind of like the best of the worst of New Music Tuesday. Most caused a collective “LOL!!!!!!!” after a few bars were played. The Dirty Bourbon River Show was a band and they annoyed me by having that super long name and then an even longer name on their single and sounded like the music you wake up in the gutter to the afternoon after a Mardis Gras celebration covered in white substance that you only hope is leftover from the donuts at Cafe du Monde. Extermination Protocol was well received by all of the guys, despite their horrible name, and then EP made the mistake of tweeting that they were a one man band. Which is impossible. So, go back to the losers circle. Cage9 is a band from South America that wasn’t all that bad either and could probably be successful here in North America if the singer shaved his head. Actually, Cage9 can only have the USA, Canada is DDD! territory.

Before commencing the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge with Tully and Katie we hear the newest gem from the Jingleberries. It’s a remix of Katie’s sex-tastic workout breathing to the beat of Push It by Salt-N-Peppa. I would listen to that song on repeat. I may have my first girl-crush ever on Katie. Ellis informs Rob (and reminds the rest of us) that the reason Tully is doing the challenge is to help motivate the fans. Which is the reason Josh previously did a challenge and Ellis is constantly doing insane shit. Every fan has their favorite, Josh himself has tens of fans that were motivated by him to get in shape. But really, the guys want their fans to live long and keep listening. Get in on it and check out the Onnit challenge for yourself.

Things we learned today:

Ellis’s brother had a baby boy today- Welcome to the World Bailey Ellis!!!

At the dentist, all Rod Corddry hears is “Spit now, please”

Dentists are really drug dealers for reluctant pussy junkies

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so successful because they probably don’t drink

Rob Corddry was on the Daily Show

Rawdog is getting man-boobs, and if he worked at it he could have pecks…so we know soon he’ll probably just have man-boobs

“I can’t feel this side of my nose so when I pick it, it’s like rape” – Jason Ellis

Old Testament God was full of wrath, New Testament God sacrificed Jesus for our sins because He loves us sososososososososo much

Some of the farts were probably simulated

Michael was farting during the Andy Sandberg show

Men probably shake hands as an evolved show of dominance

To be King of the World you need to pay for Hollywood Wives and have sex with whores at the gym

Men on the Ultimate Fighter should really stop crying cause it’s hard to punch through all the tears

Katie’s boobs are getting bigger (your welcome Jason) and she isn’t pregnant

Katie’s dicks keep getting tangled

Children’s Hospital airs Thursday nights at Midnight on Adult Swim and next week is part I of the season finale with fucking explosions and fucking fucking

Ellis throws a great jerkoff party

Flowers are fun cause God should be

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Show Re-Cap for Thursday 10/10/2013

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Before I jump in to the actual re-cap for all of you currently heading to or in Las Vegas for Ellismania 9, I wanted to take a seond and thank all of my absolutely amazing Ellisfam and the guys here at NYA for reaching out to me over this past week and offering support for the tough shit that is going on in my life. I have never known such a wonderful goup of people before and I’m so grateful for all the love being sent my way.

NOW…business as usual…

Happy Australian Birthday to the main man who is the reason that I’m writing this and that you’re reading this…Jason Ellis. The King of the West is either officially or unofficially 42 years old and unsure about how he feels about it because 42 is old. Old enough that all the people walking around the good ol’ US of A who are currently old enough to drink weren’t alive when Ellis was first legally allowed to drink in this country but not so old that he’s hit the point of no return life drop off age (which is 46, according to Tully). Ellisfeels a little bit proud of himself for all that he has accomplished at this point in life, but thinks he probably should feel more proud of himself (and he should) and wants everyone to know that he is looking forward to accomplishments that won’t result in further brain damage like race car driving, skating with his kids, and camping. He has not yet begun to talk about things like insurance or politics, but is taking to heart comments from Devin like, “why are you still doing this?” in regard to him fighting. No, he doesn’t have to pull out of the fight this Saturday at Ellismania 9, but if he gets a black eye in the fight then Devin is gonna sock him one and make his other eye black with her daddy-inherited heacy hands. Good thing she is too young to know about detached retinas.

Tim Sabean called Ellis this morning just to see how things were going and ask if fhe needed anything because Ellis is the King of the West and the show is finally getting some of the SiriusXM TLC that it deserves. Yes, there are still glitches here and there because it’s a new studio and lay the fuck off, but things are getting done. Wilson introduced the ever talked about and never before seen to exist VIP lines for TJES and texted the number to all the VIPs out there…except Butterballs. Ellis mentioned a fight on twitter with the one replay hater who finds listening to morning replays so obnoxious that he feels the need to tweet about it and how he’s fighting a losing battle because Faction is going to be Ellis’s channel one day. Really?!?! Fucking sweet.

Throughout the show we’re getting running commentary on some spanish Soap Operas the guys have playing in the studio which seem to feature a maniac Mexican man who looks like he works at Bruce Lee Burgers and is beating and killing members of his family with blood on his face, wearing the same shirt for days and not giving enough fucks to wipe his nose blood away. Tully says he noticed that everyone in the new building is falling into the TV trap and that it’s the main difference between listening to East Coast versus West Coast SiriusXM. Opie and Anthony never comment on what’s going on on TV, but they’ve been spoiled for so long that the novelty has worn off at this point. Don’t complain about their sudden exclamations over what’s happening just out of our sight…they’re fucking hilarious and if your driving or if your mind has wandered for a second hearing Ellis, Tully, or Rawdog yell, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!” is the perfect way to snap you back into focus. There’s also another new TV on the wall which beams videos from Tully’s computer to the screen for them all to see easier, but after plugging it into Josh’s computer and re-plugging it into Tully’s it has stopped working. Way to go Josh. But anyway…

There were some fights on last night with the main even being Jake Shields, which is a drag, because despite technically being a good fighter he is a very boring fighter and there are no winners when your main event is a boring fight. You know what fights won’t be boring? The fights happening this weekend at Ellismania 9 that if you (like me) aren’t able to trek out to Vegas you can catch at Ellismania.com. Erika has to drop out of the girl fight because she has a lung infection, but don’t worry, plenty of female listeners answered the call to volunteer themselves as a fill in!!!!! Lots of chicks are ready to get down and dirty at Ellismania and have the oppurtunity to try and beat the shit out of another girl. Is this going to be the last fight every for Ellis? No, probably not, but he is saying that he doesn’t really want to be the main event anymore. Why? Because he isn’t looking to be on the road to pain and go around killing himself training to the point where he forgets that Ellismania is supposed to be fun anymore. He still wants to be in fights, but he wants to be in fun fights fighting leprechauns for a pot o’ gold pinata stuffed with goodies or whatever other fun fight pops into his head. Ellis is in it for the fans. He kept this going alone and kept thinking that if he kept it up long enough that someone bigger would come along and want to be involved, and SiriusXM is finally interested. Determination gets you everywhere!!!

Hey, you know your super cool collection of random bits of audio and rarely heard songs and tidbits from bands/actors/movies that you spent so much time and effort gathering? Well, the joke is on you because it’s all on the internet now!!!! ROFL. But seriously, back in the day it took work to be a fan and you spent time and effort getting your hands on everything and anything that had to do with whatever you were interested in. Now it is all constantly in your pocket or palm courtesy of the free WiFi hotspot you’ve found with your smartphone. Like the video Tully found of Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers choreographring fight scenes for Rocky. Ellis thinks that they should make a tv show for Mexico because they’re TV standards are ridiculous and it would be no problem to come up with an idea. Rawdog brings up a new show being talked about (if only by him) called Celebrity Champion where celebs compete in gymnastics and have Mary Lou Rhetton judge them. It will be a safer show than Splash (where someone thought it would be a good idea to get celebs to high dive with no experience) so viewers can look forward to not seeing someone almost die on the show every week. The lady who is the voice behind Siri has been found, although Apple will neither confirm nor deny it, and Ellis loves Siri because she helps him spell out texts to tell Grant Cobb that he is impressed with the couch that he built for the studio.

Back to fights, out of all of the fights going on at Ellismania this weekend (which I really really really am bummed to not be there you lucky fucks who are!!!!) Ellis is the most concerned about the fight between Sam Ruben and Tera Patrick, mostly because neither one of them wants to be punched in D face and chances are one of them will be, if not both. Sam can try and joke about it as much as he wants, but everyone knows he really can’t roll into work on Monday sporting a black eye becasue KTLA is no joke and have harder asses than the FCC. Although, Tully does point out that morning news programs tend to be more fun and light-hearted and can roll with the punches, so why not roll with the punches that landed on Sam’s face and caused his black eye? After all, there was a newscaster in North Carolina who mistook cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe for grapenuts and ate it. Live. On television. And informed everyone after the fact that it was cat vomit and not grapenuts. As if it being grapenuts excused the action of eating food off of the bottom of his shoe in the first place. Holy fucking shit. What a scofflaw that guy is, huh?

Wait. What? Scofflaw? Where the hell did that come from Rawdog? I have a pretty spectacular vernacular and I had to google that shit to have google yell at me and call me a dumb bitch for not knowing how to spell it. That is some serious prohibition era bullshit to drop like it’s the word ‘jerk’ and expect everyone to know what you’re talking about so dont be surprised you’re getting called out on it and being called a show-off for your off-brand, hipster-know-it-all foul word play, because everyone knows the word plethora because every human being alive has seen the Three Amigos. Ellis knows plethora because he’s better at remembering shit when he’s punched in the face afterward. And for all the other know-it-alls out there who wanna correct facts and be all ‘LOL Oxford-boy, how’d you get that one wrong’ it’s because useless shit falls out of your brain if you don’t have a photographic memory and haven’t been in the halls of learning for more than a decade. By the way, Rawdog, how are you feeling about your fight against Nick Swardson in two days? Apparently Rawdog is feeling the same way about it as he has every other fight and would prefer not to get into even the most vague of specifics concerning strategy or training because it’s gonna be a surprise (both to him and everyone there). But Ellis tells him he better make it good for the fans, because people are pulling crazy stunts to be there and if Ozzy is 60 and jumping around stage for fans at concerts then Josh can put on a good fight.

Yes, more Ellismania stuff because it starts tomorrow and of course they are going to talk about it endlessly today! People are calling in from all over the country and Canada to say they are on their way and they are pumped and who can blame the guys for talking about it?!?!?!?! Aaron from Wyoming will have driven 16 hours by the time of the show tomorrow and is only staying to see TJES at the Hard Rock Hotel poolside because he has to get back home. Tully is going to buy him lunch as an insurance policy against the show sucking, which seems impossible as there will be plenty going on with the Little Miss Jason Ellis pageant and the commencement of butt judging. Wilson says he bets that no one can bribe him over the next few days in order to be judged the best butt…so do your worst!!!!!! Lots of stuff is going to be available for purchase at Ellismania, but also a ton of stuff is going to be given out so keep your twitter alerts active for updates from Ellis and Tully for when they decide to give shit away. Known oppurtunities for freebies thus far are at the DDD! show where Ellis and Tera Patrick will be throwing goodies off stage and Wilson will have cum ra-errrrr…bar towels.

Fartathon 2013 is here! Next week, Tully promises us that there will be a sort of new segment where Unsigned Bands will be facing off against Unsigned Farts!!! The bad news????? No one is sending farts to Ellisparodies@gmail.com !!! What the hell, guys? Just like everybody poops, everybody farts (but they don’t want the poop farts so abstain from sending those) so where have all the flatulent fellas gone? Is Ellis to blame for telling guys that it’s disgusting to fart on or in front of their girls? I am a girl and I will tell you, it’s really okay to fart in front of your lady. Not on her, because then you fully deserve to be kicked in the teeth, but as a girl myself I have come to learn that guys fart. They love to fart. It’s the most natural form of comedy there is! Hubbs farts, I call him Stinky Butt and we move on with life. I for one will have my phone at the ready for his farts so I can do my Ellisfam duty and make sure there’s enough audio for the segment. And they aren’t going to stop talking about farts until they get them, which is why during the Fartathon we learn that termites are the organism on Earth that fart the most and can even turn themselves into self-destructing suicide fart bombers (because who doesn’t want that superpower in a bind), vegetarians fart more than us carnivors, the average person passes gas 14 times a day (so really get over it), and rice is the only food known to man which doesn’t cause your anus to vibrate and spew methane gas.

During the premiere of 12 Years a Slave, the current frontrunner for the next Best Picture, there was some dumb bitch in lace gloves texting throughout the entire movie. Even after another moviegoer requested she cease and desist this woman informed the “enslaver” that her texting was for business and he should self-righteously fuck off. That last part may have been ad-libbed but it fits within the context. Who was this bitch? Madonna. For real. Sources are reliable on this one and Madonna has forever lost her shot so far as Ellis is concerned and whether she knows it or not. No, there shouldn’t be texting during movies because the movies exist to untether you from life for a while and immerse you in another reality and the whole effect is ruined if you won’t let yourself be untethered! Duh!

Wrapping up the show is the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge featuring Tully lining them up and Katie knocking them down. They are up to doing 4 reps of each exercise and Tully performs them with great form sans microphone before we are treated to Katie’s heavy breathing sextacular workout. Katie has always been hot. Hearing her moan as she exercises is mind blowing. And in case you were wondering, her face looks exactly the same as it does sometimes, according to Ellis. And we all know what he’s talking about.

Now…OFF TO ELLISMANIA 9!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today (some of which you may have heard from That Guy Dan already)

If your boss punches you it’s perfectly alright for you to blast him back

Ellis is hard on Vanessa because he wants her to be successful

Your ass doesn’t throbwith pain from being licked- but it might from being kicked

Tully left Ellis because he was still young and free enough to try new things and didn’t want to be the producer

10 years from now Ellis might be sporting either an eye patch or a golden eyeball

When Tully’s wife is away his life is all about Doritos and Parliments

Oregen is like Washington State with a stick up its ass

Tully has never been able to touch his toes

Ligaments, Tendons, and Muscles are not the same things

Tully doesn’t like hearing his farts

Ellis likes hearing his own farts

Flap the lip, get the whip

Your girlfriend might be stupid if she doesn’t turn her phone off at the movies

Great movies are today’s collective religious experience

Katie has bursts of cunt

Ellis won’t celebrate his divorce by getting married later that day

Not every butt gets a sticker, but every butt will be judged.

HAVE FUN at Ellismania 9 to all who are going!!!! Be ridiculous! Safe travels! Take lots of pictures and make all of us who can’t be there insanely jealous and guarantee that we’ll be there next year!!!!!!

 

Show Re-cap for Thursday 10/3/2013

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Today’s show was a highly anticipated one by all listeners as yesterday we were left with a ‘Best Of’ and a vague tweet from Jason which was interpreted by many as gloom and doom-y as possible. My twitter feed exploded with people vowing to drop their Sirius subscription, rallying for a fight, and pledging their allegiance to Ellisfam- and the always wonderful BitPimps helped calm many (or at least me, and I sort of count in the lesser grand scheme of things) with a post telling everyone to keep calm and harden the fuck up. Or something like that. But seriously, I spent the afternoon yesterday rationalising to myself all of the reasons that he couldn’t have been spontaneously fired and dreaming that he finally landed a television show after someone saw him on KTLA and saying, “He’s fucking amazing! Why doesn’t he have his own TV show?!?!?!?!?”

Getting right into it, skipping the intro music and ditching the robot voice, Ellis knew the listeners were waiting to know what the fuck happened yesterday and didn’t make anyone wait longer than necessary. In a nutshell: Will called Ellis yesterday as Ellis was driving in to the studio to tell him that someone at SiriusXM told him that some of there area was being hijacked (office space and the green room) to be turned into offices for someone else’s sales department and his studio was no longer going to be his studio, he was going to be sharing it with whomever else they decided to throw in there. Ellis said, “I didn’t agree to that” while thinking ‘I’m the fucking King of the West and last time we talked we all agreed that I deserve everything I’m asking for’ and decided to forgo doing the show because he’s a man who stands his ground. The ending is that the Big Bosses at SiriusXM worked everything out and said it was all a big mistake, and if that’s good enough for Ellis then that should be good enough for everyone. He is trying to do what is best for the show, get a producer, get the people working with him the money they deserve, and continue to do bigger and better things. The whole ordeal left him stressed out, talking about moving in with Katie, selling his car, and becoming a male prostitute, but once it was worked out it left him more driven then ever. Which is great. There’s nothing wrong with taking a stand.

Moving on.

Yesterday morning Ellis was on KTLA, which to my understanding is a morning talk show over in California, and he was awesome. He had a great time doing it, and thought it was hilarious that the teeny tiny female anchor was so pathetically weak that when she punched him she almost fell over. You should watch the clip, if you haven’t already, because Ellis is entertaining as hell and I realllllllllly find it hardd to believe that no one has given him his own TV show yet. Seriously, I don’t watch TV because there is nothing on it that is worth watching anyway, but I would tune in to watch tiny chicks punching a big tattooed Aussie in the face any day of the week. If you wouldn’t do the same…you suck and you’re lying to yourself. KTLA also served as a great place to plug Ellismania 9 as Sam Ruben is an anchor on KTLA, so they could talk about his upcoming fight with Tera Patrick.

Speaking of fighting…but wait no…because the TV has been installed in the studio!!!!! They spend a good few minutes commentating to random television and commercials (at some point one of them mentions that they are watching The Chew) while Wilson is begging them in the background to stop watching the tv and talking about it because the listeners can’t see what they are talking about and it was his worst fear coming to life. The Jason Ellis Show briefly turned into a bunch of guys on the radio reacting to things that they were seeing on tv and…still managing to be entertaining. Poor Wilson.

Speaking of fighting, but this time really, guess who sent Ellis a skateboard in the mail which featured Bruce Lee? You aren’t going to guess. It wasn’t Tony Hawk, or Nicole Richie, or Tatiana Ali…it was Dana White. A guy that Ellis is friends with that he can’t believe he is friends with. General consensus is that the Bruce Lee skateboard will be mounted on the wall in the studio, because that’s cool as shit. And…speaking of Dana White, the Ultimate Fighter was on last night. Ellis watched it and the guy with the earrings got beat up. That is all. This led to Ellis talking about his sparring partner last night, who was a fat mexican guy wearing a shirt that had a fat joke on it, because sometimes it’s just awesome to laugh at yourself. He didn’t look like the kind of guy who could do three three minute rounds, but he did and Ellis had a good time. Ellis talks about how awesome it is for people to go to the ‘real’ gym (read- boxing gym) to get in shape as opposed to mindlessly slapping their feet to the beat of ‘duh’ on the treadmill, because not only are they getting in shape and losing weight, but they are learning skills and staying engaged and interested. Rawdog thinks that you can get the same workout and health benefits from running on a treadmill and says that some people find it medatative. He also apparently thinks that he could run on a treadmill blindfolded. And he was wrong. Until he changed his mind and became right. Tully ran for a little while, not on a treadmill, and says he always felt like he was skiing or flying and it was a cool feeling, but he didn’t stick with it.

There were shots fired at the Capitol in Washington DC. Why is food on television so goddamn entertaining when it leaves you so unfulfilled? Look at them feeding all of the health food to the fat guy? Why are they zooming in and slow-mo-ing the old guy dancing? These are all questions you hear when you put a tv in a room of guys doing radio. TJES was a little bit ADD for a while. But seriously, what IS up with food tv? Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully all seem a little flumoxed over it as there is no satisfaction to be garnered from watching people cook and eat food on tv. So why do people do it? Why do women do it? Because it’s filler tv that you can just put on and space out to, clean the house, do the laundry, and you’re not really missing anything. Just like with soap operas. Take Ellis’s advice and just watch Spongebob, because the Bob always delivers. Tully brings up the point of porn (not food porn) because at least with porn, if you’re masturbating to it, you are getting some satisfaction. There is no food equivalent to this. If you are watching food tv, most likely the only thing that you are getting is hungry, and probably curious about what the fuck the EVOO shit is that Rachel Ray keeps talking about. It’s extra virgin olive oil.

The Hurricane was a boxer, not a natural disaster, who was falsely accused of murder and convicted of it back in the 60’s at the height of his boxing career. Which really sucks. What sucks even more was that he spent 20 years in jail and Bob Dylan wrote a song about him before some teenager finally managed to help get him a retrial and get him the fuck out of jail. Denzel Washington played him in the movie about this whole incident, and I’m wondering if they fit in the part where after he got out of prison he defected from America to our cousins in the North and moved to Toronto where he continued to be falsely accused of crime. At least the cops in Toronto realized their mistake in less than 20 years and released him- presumably with a “My bad, eh?” and a hearty Canadian handshake. Ellis thinks that Canada is a good place for black people because the people there are less racist. Tully thinks that the Hurricane is looking a little crazy these days…but that’s probably something that happens when the White Man steals 20 years of your life. Sorry, Hurricane.

If your wondering why you’re still paying taxes during the shutdown of the federal government, wonder no more, as the FBI shut down silkroad.com- a website which was the online black market and dealt with goods on the wrong side of savory like heroin, cocaine, stolen credit cards, and child porn. Go feebs!! But, no, Tully still found that there are plenty places online to continue buying heroin. So, basically your taxes are paying for the Congressional salaries that don’t get affected by furlough. Fuck. Shit. Maybe that’s what the shooting at the Capitol was about.

Tully and Katie are undertaking Onnit’s ‘Look Good Naked’ challenge and today was Challenge Day One! Tully is going to look great in a speedo for his vacation when the challenge is over and Katie…is hot already, but there’s nothing wrong with getting in shape and we get to listed to her huff, puff, squeak, and moan. For The Win. The Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge is for everyone who wants to look better naked (who doesn’t) and it’s done three days a week for three weeks, with each week adding on more cycles of the exercises…or reps..or whatever you call them (because I’m that dumb gym bunny who is not down with the lingo) and the exercises they did were rope slams, alternating plial lunges, rope alternating uppercuts, push-up free burpees, and ab boat rowing. We got to hear what Tully and Katie sound like in the sack (Katie sounds better) and both of them did a really good job. Josh should be doing the challenge so that he could be ready for the fight at Ellismania 9 he’s participating in in a week and a half, but he isn’t, because what’s the point when everyone is rooting for him to lose anyway? Whaaaaaaaaaaa. No, Josh, Tully and Ellis are on your side and really want you to win, they just know that you don’t take fitness seriously and you talk funny and you admittedly could be working a lot harder to get ready for the fight. Fuck the fight, anyway! You should be doing the challenge in preperation for the FuckFest taking place afterward (which you WILL need an Ellismania ticket to participate in, if interested) because that’s gonna take hella lotta cardio stamina to get through. Ellisfam doesn’t fuck around. At FuckFests. Or maybe, yeah?

Go get your Ellismania 9 tickets!!!! Time is running out!!!! You don’t want to miss it like me, do you?!?!?!?!?! Of course you don’t!!! Tickets are at Ticketmaster.com and I can tell you to go get them and go to Vegas because I don’t work for The Jason Ellis Show or SiriusXM. I don’t care if it’s your prerogative or not…go buy them and have a good time and meet the awesome fuckers from this site and party. You will have the oppurtunity to see Ellis fight Gabe Ruediger, Rawdog fight Nick Swardson, watch the prisoner fight, girl fight, leprechaun fight, musical chair fight, and more!!!!!!

There was a gathering in NYC of a crotch rocket club called the Hollywood Stuntz Race which resulted in some Ninja Knack Knack Champion of the World biker assholes chasing down a guy in a Range Rover where one of the bikers proceeded to break the driver’s side window with his helmet to pull the driver from the car and beat the ever loving shit out of him in front of his wife and toddler. Hmmmm…yes it’s true that the Range Rover put one of the biker’s in the hospital with some really bad injuries, but the biker in question was blocking in the RR and the driver was trying to get away. Bikers have a bad enough rep for no reason without bikers on crotch rockets giving them a reason. Seems like this involved a bunch of biker guys who were looking for a fight. In other bike news, apparently there are gangs of hipster bicyclists across the nation who are biking for their right to disobey traffic laws and ride drunk with police escorts so they don’t get hit while running red lights. Are you fucking kidding me? I agree with Tully, these people are fucktards who are angry with the world and are tying their anger to a pointless cause and wrecking it for themselves because they are assholes.

Wilson leads the guys in a game of Google Auto Complete Says What? with the theme of prejudices. We learn that the English speaking users of google are wondering about stinky french people, chinese cat food (made from cats), Jews refusing to shop at Hitler or leave Iran (NOT the Holy Land), Italians who don’t wear shorts, Koreans without souls, Japanese people who don’t say ‘I love you’, Indians who can’t say no or swim, Russians who don’t die, Aussie’s who all don’t like peanut butter (because they have the superior vegimite), and women who believe in wedge loafers. Will takes offense to google auto complete shining a light on the fact that people are asking google why white people have no lips, because he has kissable bee-stung lips that fix computer moniters with a single kiss.

During final calls (where none of the final calls were of show-ending standard) the conversation turned to Mia Farrow hinting at Frank Sinatra being her baby daddy instead of Woody Allen, Justin Bieber being carried on the shoulders of two black men on the Great Wall of China, and Miley Cyrus. Why they hell is there such an outrage about everything Miley does? Tully and Ellis bring up the point that there is nothing she is doing now that the other Disney Darlings weren’t doing ten years ago and that Madonna wasn’t doing 100 years ago (or however old she is). Rawdog thinks Sinead O’Connor has some good points in her open letter to Miley, which Miley dissed on twitter because she’s Miley and she’ll lick all of the hammers she wants while swinging naked on wrecking balls because that shit sells. Ellis is right, she knows what she’s doing and she knows what is going to keep people talking about her. The reason people freak out more about Miley? Because she was Hannah Montana and a billion 5 year olds want to do everything she does…she didn’t start out in a sexy school girl outfit or belly dancing her way out of a genie bottle, she started out wanting the Best of Both Worlds and doing the Hoedown Throwdown, so parents the world over don’t want their children witnessing what happens when someone grows up because they don’t want to be involved enough in their children’s lives to teach them right from wrong themselves.

If you have never seen the Boondock Saints, or if you haven’t seen it in a long time, go watch it on Netflix so you can know what everyone is talking about on the show on Monday. Rawdog and Tully have never seen the movie and have committed to watching it over the weekend and discussing it with Ellis on Monday’s show. Also, if you are a man or a woman who thinks they can beat out the current reigning Little Miss Jason Ellis, or if you are an unsigned band or an unsigned fart, show the guys what you have and send it to ellisparodies@gmail.com. Tomorrow, Ellis will be giving away tickets to Ellismania, so if you are going to Vegas and haven’t gotten your tickets, listen to the show tomorrow and score some freebies!!!!

Things we learned:

Mario Batali kept his restaurant open on 9/11 to fight terrorism

Tiggie threw Daddy under the bus at school for having a black eye

Ellis is driving to Ellismania and doesn’t need a plane ticket

If Ellis makes it to 80 he may just have 5 wives

Ellis’s grandfather was a tranny late in life and was damn happy because of it

ALL MEN HAVE PUSSIES…in their prostate

Katie likes Hanna Montana but hates that Miley stole her haircut

Terry Crewes is bumping asses with Dr. Oz (who looks like a zombie)

Hipster messenger bag bicyclists are fucking assholes

Stunt Riding on motorcycles is not a real sport

Ellis will kill american ninjas

Katy Perry is a better singer than Miley Cyrus

Ellis would give up everything he has to have his brother back

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Thursday, 9/26/2013

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Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhyeahyeahyeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Because Ellis is playing with the voice mod. TJES quickly jumps into action today after a super brief voice mod monologue where an Evil Kanye West voice makes a quick appearance (can a voice make an appearance? an audioppearance maybe?) to talking about The Dropkick Murphy’s and Bruce Springsteen song ‘Rose Tattoo’ which gets stuck in Rawdog’s head, disappoints Tully, and Ellis just plain hates but admits it’s a good song. Bruce Springsteen may or may not still just be your Average Joe who stumbles out of strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and explains to fans that he willed a million other Bruce Springsteen’s into existence. It’s okay if the only part you cared about there was the bit about the strip club, because that’s the part that the men of the show latched on to (to my girlie fist-pumping delight…you have a dirty mind).

YAY!!! Talking About Sex and Strippers!!!

Ellis states that he has learned a lot from strippers, whether those lessons be good or bad, and ultimately he said he tends to pity dancers for the creeps that they have to deal with like the guy drooling in the front row with his Dance Trance face on. He thinks that being a stripper definitely gives a girl insight into how men are wired because there is at least a little bit of creep in every guy, some people may play it closer to the chest than others. Ellis dated a stripper for 6 years back in the day and he was King of Unemployed Melbourne on the 3 grand he made a month skateboarding and the thousands of dollars his chick made EVERY NIGHT. But there are girls/dancers/strippers who rake in the bucks in such great amounts every night that they turn into cunts who look down on people because they’ve stopped appreciating money and think theirs will last waaaaaayyyyyy longer than the multiple plastic surgeries they will undergo in an attempt to keep making money off of that ephemeral bitch called beauty. Or maybe they can really work the pole and aren’t really all that hot anyway. One lesson to be learned from this? Hard work that leads to success is humbling while easy money makes you a condescending jackass. Give yourself a fucking reality check, having money makes you better than nobody, you still have creepy inside of you.

How much creepy though? Tully finds Mr. Trance Dance face drooling over girls on poles he wished were his pole creepy and wonders if men (he) is just as creepy for wild fantasies used to ‘get the job done’ when the cum isn’t coming for whatever reason. Get the job done. Get over the hump. I never want to be involved in a sex scenario where either of these terms are used because that means I should be fired. Ellis doesn’t think it’s creepy to fantasize things, however wild they may be, to get the job done because you aren’t offending anyone (except for maybe yourself a half an hour later) and it isn’t hurting anybody. But he would stop if a memo got sent to a person every time he thought about busting on them instead of the girl he was with. Tully brings up the situation of men who find it hard to orgasm unless they’re pretending the girl that they are with doesn’t want to be having sex with them and we fall deeper down the fantasy rabbit hole all the way to the Dungeon. Ellis, ever the open minded fellow, has no aversion to trying out a bondage-type situation if it wasn’t so goddamn expensive to have a lady in leather kick him in the balls. But Tully doesn’t get it because…where’s the orgasm? Ellis says he gets it an equates it with mental foreplay, and talks about it being a playground for the rich and powerful who are never dominated in any other aspect of their life, and yeah, most men probably go out to their car and beat off before driving home with sticky fingers, but there are some men who just get amped up. Like the male caller who was whipped by two males (because he’s that kind of polite guy who won’t say no) and kept asking for it harder. Harder! HARDER! Until he felt like he had won.  There is a difference between being creepy and having ‘safe words’ for your rape fantasy love life and being a fucked up murderer rapist. Tully said it’s not important to get caught up in how creepy you might be (if you spent the better part of the segment thinking about your weirdest sex fantasy impulses as I did) because they’re just thoughts, and as Rawdog adds- the most important thing is that you possess empathy and impulse control. You are not a fucked up murderer rapist. Ellis dubs himself the Josh Richmond of Creepy sex which makes Josh…the fetus? Or he just may be the Chad Reed of Creepy Sex. They jury is still out. It will probably be back sometime after the Fuckfest that is going down in his room at Ellismania 9.

Do girls think shit like this too? Do girls have weird fantasies to get the job done? Well, you’re in luck because I’m a bonafide female XX chromosome card holder. Yes. We are just as fucked up as you. It’s hot. Just ask Ellis and Tully- the sexiest thing ever is a woman who enjoys sex!!! ‘Girl sex’ where a bitch goes “oh yeah I didn’t cum but I really enjoyed it” is possible, but most likely she’s just not equipped with the balls to say, “wow, I feel like I should sue you for false advertising.” Yes, sex can be enjoyable without orgasm and there are reasons that maybe she didn’t orgasm because yadda yadda girlie shit yadda yadda she is probably thinking about how there’s only expired milk in the fridge and she has to go food shopping. There is NO woman who has a fulfilling sex life when she isn’t reaching the little death more than she is. If she tells you otherwise, send her my way so I can call her a liar to her face.

Tentacle Porn Art

Do girls really think about things just like guys in amounts of potential creepiness? I will provide some evidence when talking about the next bit discussing tentacle porn. You know what I’m talking about. The Anime that is oh so popular in Japan as well as (albeit less) popular all around the world. It’s basically girls getting fucked by Octopus monsters if you wanna pretend you have no idea. So…what’s the deal with that? Tully says that it’s because Japanese men are more on the diminutive side despite their supremely macho culture and there has to be a demand for it because there is a bottomless black hole of tentacle porn movies and animation ain’t cheap. Also, in some cities/regions it’s illegal to show penetration and Tentacle Porn is the wonderful loophole that was stumbled upon. They wondered about how long Tentacle porn has been around and talked about it being just a part of their culture at this point. Insert creepy bitch factor here with an article that I read 3 years ago on tentacle porn which my photographic memory instantly recalled to tell me that tentacle porn has been around since the 18th century. Boom. I’m probably wayyyyyyyy creepier than you are on account of the shit my brain retains.

Attention all Jason Ellis show listeners/cocaine users (since Josh seems to think we are one and the same)!!!!! Did you know that 80% of the cocaine that you are snorting that’s is supplied to this country is laced with a drug Levamisole that is used for de-worming livestock and eats your flesh? There are pictures and it is gross, even though Ellis wants to call bullshit and Tully (and probably many listeners) would like to know exactly why something given to livestock wants to eat human flesh… And as if that weren’t bad enough, Krokodil- a Russian drug similar to heroin has crash landed here in the good old US of A and that shit is guaranteed too rot your flesh from the inside out. So far, two people have been hospitalized in Arizona, and it’s believe those are the first two cases in America. Why do people do drugs anyway? Ellis thinks that some people may just be born to be addicts and then there are people that hate themselves, which is the reason that he did drugs back in the day, he didn’t wanna deal with being in his own head. This whole world going to shit on drugs things seriously bums him out, but he’s cheered up by the fact that there are really only about 200,000 people in America that can be classified as heroin addicts, though there are over a million who are I guess what we would call an ‘occasional user’. The guys all agree that hernoin is that gateway drug for shit like Krokodil, which gives a similar high and is cheaper for when you can no longer afford heroin.

Ellismania 9 is approaching fast and that means so is the Fuck Fest that Josh ‘I’m in an open relationship’ Richmond will be hosting in his room to the chants of “fuck fest! fuck fest!” from a crowd of horny onlookers and Tully while Ellis jacks off the the beat. To re-iterate from yesterday’s show and re-cap- they are looking for a blonde with ginormous tatas, so feel free to tweet a pic of yourself to @radioTFB to see if you are up to snuff. Side note: I told Hubbs that if I were single I would totally be up for this as I am a blonde with big boobies and because his girlfriend is a pornstar so even if Rawdog sucked I’m sure she would be awesome and I wouldn’t just enjoy it, I would orgasm. Probably multiple times. Seriously though, Ellismania 9 hasn’t sold out yet and you should probably go get tickets and join the party because it’s not every day that you can see a Taco fight a Dude with a Blanket. Wilson…what’s in your box? A whole bunch of shit from old movie shoots including some fake blood, a bunch of wigs, and at the verrrrrrrrry bottom some Ellismania related costumes for fights, such as the aforementioned Taco. Ellis wants to employ some hot ladies in sandwich boards to pass out fliers at the Hard Rock in Vegas to promote the show, which seems like a great idea because everyone pays attention to a hot chick in a Team Taco sandwhich board.

Tully thinks he can beat Kareem Abduul Jabar in basketball. Bullshit. But a high school basketball player probably can. The same goes for practically any other sport when it comes to old guy versus high school player. Except for fighting. Sorry caller. If you aren’t practiced in the art of punching a guy in dee face you don’t stand a chance. He’s going to know what you are throwing before you hold your hand up and he will kill you.

The Army has announced that it will soon be banning tattoos on certain areas of the body- like the really visible parts- above the neck, below the elbow and such. Those currently enlisted won’t have to get theirs lasered off or anything crazy like that, but if you’re looking to join up it’s advised that you think before you ink. Elllis and Tully understand this soon to be enforced rule, saying that it goes toward the uniformity of the organization. Josh brought up the point of not wanting to alienate or detract anyone with tattoos from wanting to fight when we are currently emeshed in an ongoing war and need bodies. I guess The Army needs something new to focus on since ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ got thrown out of the window. The Army says “Hoo-Rah’ when they are rushing into battle, even though Ellis likes “Retreat Hell” much better and wants to slap the shit out of Aaron Eckhart for misrepresenting himself in Battle: Los Angeles. Wilson agrees because he wants realism in his Aliens versus the Army movies. Duh.

Helllll Yeah

 

Time to talk Ultimate Fighter. There is a lot of crying on this season of the Ultimate Fighter, because apparently they’re a bunch of whaaaaaambulances. And because this is the first season with girls. Not that the guys don’t shed a tear or two also. Ellis and Tully say they’re envious of girls just being able to cry and get that release because it must feel great, and intern Vanessa assures them crying is awesome, but…fuck that shit. I hate crying. It’s an unpopular opinion for a girl, but crying is the worst shit ever and I am so glad that I only head to the cry bank for Disney Movies. Ronda Rousey is no holds barred the best female fighter in the world but Miesha Tate beats her in the personality department hands down. Ronda is a coach on the show and is portrayed as very quick-tempered to the point where she interrupts fights between small guys and very large guys at the bar only to get into the larger guys face better than the small guy (the striking coach) can. This probably isn’t the best move for her publicly or privately, which is told to her in the parking lot by Dana White, and she should probably calm the fuck down a bit. Yeah, there is the magic of editing that can be blamed for making someone look done or slightly inflate a trait of a person’s personality, but there is no editing that is going to make you lose your shit every time someone looks at you. While tweeting about the Ultimate Fighter, Ellis received a tweet from the UFC which ullllltimately lead him to tweet with his fave female fighter on the show, Julianna, who basically gave him the equivalant of ‘Hi, who’s your friend?’ And she was talking about Rawdog. Rawdog!!! Lookout Julianna, he’s in an open relationship!!! Avoid Ellismania at all costs!!! Not that it wouldn’t be awesome to have you there, but even I heard the creep smile over the air.

A man was arrested in San Diego after being spotted off the coast and was apparently floating his way from Mexico to America on a duffel bag filled with $23,000 worth of marijuana. Points for creativity. In fact, the guys all agree he should probably just get a pass because…’Merica.

Wolfknives!!!

Wolfknives!!!

Wrapping up the show today is a massive list of additions to the Wolfknives Family. Are they all signing up now because they want to go to the secret meeting of the Wolfknives at the Hard Rock at Ellismania? That’s probably not a bad guess, considering the couple of husband and wife names given out today. So…Congratulations to Wheel of Doom, Bicep Whore (LMT), Flame Enthusiast, Captain Hero, Good Burger, Hole Inspector (also congrats on being the Butt Judge’s boss), The Janitor, Brian Power, Team McMraw, Mary Pipenstein, Miguel Gorbachev, Security Tard, The Good One, Good Fat, Marty Friedman, Johnny Deppa, Little Miss Ellis, Hilary Clitoris, Johnny Yayo, The Coke Dealer’s Wife, Kooooooolaaaaaaaggggg, The French Homo, Abbey Load, Lying Murderer, Boo!, Lord of the Dicks, Jerks Off Lightening, The Nightcrawler, These Are Real, Creepy 1, Creepy 2, Chip Dick, Urethra ButtButt, Gabby VagVag, Dr. Greenthumb, The LoaMonger, Homo Therapy, Nocturnal Shitbag, King Nothing, German C-Bomb, Fisted Sister, and Kevlar Dildo.

 

And, before I forget, the Unlisted Band segment is coming around again so if you have an unsigned band, or maybe are a fan of an unsigned band, send it to Ellisparodies@gmail.com.

Things we learned today:

Ellis would have sex for money because he likes the feeling of power

Ellis has stopped peeing blood but might be doing it again soon as he is fighting a monster at Wildcard tonight

Ellis could never live with a poodle

There is a macho way to hold a purse, but Josh just slings it over his shoulder

Flushable baby wipes suck ass

Being a waitress and being a stripper is basically the same job with different uniforms

Don’t fuck with Lenny’s turf, those are his windows

Tully has an irrational fear of car accidents and is comforted by Heroin being a bigger killer

Ellis fears sharks

Rawdog has a fear of being close to the edge of high places

Josh’s mouth says words, but the buttons say the truth

The Jingleberries made an awesome Fuck Fest theme song

“years young” is what you say when people start getting old

Will’s cell picks up CB Radio communications…let’s see your smartphone do that

Owning an escort service isn’t as glamorous as you might think