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Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/8/2013

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writing_re-caps

Here’s me writing today’s re-cap and not giving a fuck.

It’s Mungday, you filthy animals and like sands through the hourglass, so are the graves of our wives – or something like that. Jumping right in, the UFC and MMA, Ellis says some people are saying the Silva vs Weidman fight was a setup and those people are just fucking wrong. Rawdog isn’t on the show today because he has a girlfriend, but Dingo is on the show today because he does not have a girlfriend. One of the interns apparently had a great weekend at Mission Beach and was telling Ellis & Dingo about it like they needed to cancel today’s show and get there right away. Basically he got laid and finger banged a chick until she peed. And then walked in Rawdog after giving blood at the doctor’s office, looking for STD’s. He also had an envelope waiting for him from Canada, it was disguised as shake powder, but was more likely anthrax considering it was the mole people. Apparently his girlfriend (who also fucks other people) tweeted about getting bent over, hair pulled, and being fucked from behind – but he doesn’t want to talk about if he’s done her doggy style, though, clearly he has now. He was also on someone else’s Internet radio show / podcast with his girlfriend, it sounded pretty horrible and boring so if you missed it, don’t fret. Sounds like he also rode a fuckin bike over the weekend. It’s like that whole “race against Tiger Ellis” really got to him.

merm

Instead of Hollywood news, I give you… THE MERM! A perm with a mullet!

Hollywood news time, George Clooney is single again, doesn’t that make your dick moist? 50 Cent sent some shitty text messages to his 15 year-old son, doesn’t that make your dick dry again? Lauryn Hill is starting her 3 month prison sentence for not paying her taxes, doesn’t that make your dick not care? Jay-Z’s favorite cereal is Cap’n Crunch, Dingo doesn’t eat cereal, doesn’t that make your dick shredded? More important than Hollywood news, Tully flushed his flip cam down the toilet over the weekend, shit got real. There was some more shit, I mean Hollywood news, but who really cares. Time for Rawdog to do his workout and make those sexy grunts of his as a precursor to his even sexier barfing noises. You can tell the testosterone is kicking in because he was telling Dingo to basically fuck off right after his workout. Then he took off his shirt so he could flex and show off all his newly grown stud muscles. One day, I picture Rawdog coming in all jacked up and ready to punch everyone in the dick.

man_breakfast

A man’s breakfast, because we’re manly men!

Holy shit, some soccer referee stabbed a player during a game, then the players beat the shit out of the referee, stoned him, quartered him, behead him, and put his head on a fucking stick. That just upped soccer’s stocks in my book. Planes, trains, and automobiles. All them shits crashed over the weekend, which the only thing more surprising would be that them shits don’t crash more often. Moto news time, some people rode their bikes, someone one, someone else came in second, and some other people crashed and shit. If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I had a busy day at work, missed pieces of the show and am too tired to go back and jot down anything I’ve missed. Sorry ’bout that. Maybe this will help make up for it. KFC might be suing a restaurant in Thailand for replacing Colonel Sanders with Adolf Hitler and calling their shit-kickin’ chicken shack “Hitler.” Ellis bought Rawdog a present, it’s a stamp, of the Jewish star. It’s for when Rawdog does something good, Ellis will give him a little stamp. I can tell you’re still upset about the re-cap today, aren’t you? I know. I know. I’m trying to make it up to you. I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of monster. Maybe this will make you feel better. A man is walking through the woods in a cold morning when he spots a little girl crying. He approaches her and asks “whats wrong, why are you crying?” The little girl looks up, tears glistening in her eyes, and says “My puppy went into the pond and couldn’t get out, so daddy went to get him but the water was freezing and they both drowned, leaving me alone and lost in the woods!” The man further approaches the little girl reaches to touch her shoulder while undoing his fly and says “Well, today just isn’t your day is it.” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 7/3/2013

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kenyas_space_program

Just in time for the 4th, Kenya unveils their space program.

Here we are, last show of the week thanks to the 4th of July. MURICA! Ellis thinks it would be great to have Stern’s lovely locks, but he also believes you can create your own lovely locks, as he’s done with his head tattoo. It’s fun to make up stuff in your head, and sometimes it can be more satisfying than the shit you’re doing in real life. Tully has matured, as a musician. He used to play heavy and loud music, but now, other than Death! Death! Die!, he wouldn’t be looking to play the heavy stuff – but maybe more cracker soul type music. We got to hear some rap from the boys, should radio shows turn to just rapping and beats like Swayzizzle in the mornings. Culver City just be called Ball City, so you know what you’re gonna get when you go there. More talk about future Rawdog as a daddy, he thinks he’ll cut his fast food intake at least in half. And he’ll just sneak out of the house when he has to go get his McDonald’s fix, leaving his kids to fend for themselves with celery and carrots.

shannon_gunz

Who is Shannon Gunz, you ask?

Hospitals spend enormous amounts of money removing even more enormous objects from peopes’ asses. And with that, it’s NMT on Wednesday time. The best part? When Will had to record a New Music Wednesday button that talked about Josh “The Jewish Monster” Richmond beating the shit out of Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz, with his Jewish claws. Nelly has a new album out, and I only mention that because he’s from St. Louis, but I’m sure it sucks just as much as the rest of the stuff out today – errr… yesterday. Whatever. Jay-Z apparently has a few songs on his new album that deal with him being a dad and how he had nobody around to teach him how to be a man or good father, so he’s learning that now. This led us into Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz being in studio to go against Rawdog in the primal challenge. If Rawdog beats Gunz, he gets to grab her box (over the jeans) and Gunz beats Rawdog, she gets to show Ellis her tits. Surprisingly, no vomit noises from Rawdog after his workout, but we did hear some nice grunting coming from Gunz while she did her workout. Wait, wait… scratch that, we finally got some vomit from Rawdog while Gunz was making girl tennis grunts and that’s when millions of wads were simultaneously blown around the globe. In the end, Shannon beat Rawdog, didn’t barf, and could talk on the radio right afterwards – so I guess she gets to show her tits to Ellis.

barney_my_pebbles

Women & Barney, am I right?

Women, am I right? time! Some chick saw a Muslim guy and freaked out because she thinks Muslim cab drivers drive for a year or so to save up money so they can blow themselves up. Then she called 911 to complain that she felt threatened by the Muslim driving the cab she was in. A female weather reporter doing umm, the weather, saw a little bug on the projector while doing her thing in front of the green screen and flipped the fuck out. A woman in Oklahoma called 911 after she got stuck in a charity donation bin. Two sisters in Miami got pulled over, the sisters switched spots (driver to passenger) and both got arrested for DUI. A woman in Massachusetts called police and said she had been abducted, but she just locked herself in trunk because she didn’t want to be arrested for DUI. A woman in New Zealand glued her lips shut and tried to call police for help by grunting over the phone. A couple having sex in an SUV ran over a woman who called 911 on them. A family of 3 from Ohio were arrested for attempting to sever fingers of a romantic rival with pruning shears. A woman in Kansas City, MO poured gas on a bus rider and threatened to light motherfuckers on fire because she wanted that god damned bus seat.

blurred_porn

It’s not porn if the Aflac duck is in it.

I forgot the rest while I was driving in traffic, so we’ll just have to skip ahead to some chick that started a website full of videos of couples “making love” (or whoopee) instead of fucking like in porn. Her idea is that the world will be full of better lovers if they watch boring missionary intercourse instead of porn star maneuvers. Little Timmy won’t expect to blast his load in little Jenny’s face, and shit will go back to the 1800’s where everybody was stiff, boring, smelly, and the complete opposite of hot. Oh, and her site is a pay-for service so you little kids with working credit cards, there ya go. Talk about dumb ideas, what horny kid is gonna opt for watching old & fat people making love when they can see cock starved whores gobble up wad like it was elixir from the fountain of youth, for free? Some would even argue that porn has made the world better. Could you imagine if you never got blow jobs or titty fucked? That’s just wrong. And with that, I’ll wrap up this re-cap so I can go make a brine for these chickens I’ma be smoking tomorrow for the 4th! Have a good rest of the week and weekend errybody! Oh, speaking of food and ‘Murica, let’s be real assholes and take a minute to make jokes about people from another country! Ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they. How do you start an Ethiopian rave party? Stick a piece of toast on the ceiling. What’s positive about Ethiopia? HIV. And what do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? Showing off. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/1/2013

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the_eh_team

Not even the “Eh-Team” could stop me!

Okay, okay, I’m back, it’s great to be back and I couldn’t think of a better way to come back than on Canada Day – especially after infiltrating the land of the mole people the week before. Hold the applause, please. What was my mission, you ask? Well, this was an operation with several missions, some of which I can tell you after being debriefed, and some of which I cannot tell you – unless you have the proper security clearance. First, I located and GPS tagged as many entrances to underground mole tunnels as possible. Then I found a crude cell built to hold one Mike Tully. Soon after, I found evidence that the Richmond family may have been involved in treason. And finally, I was to find a cure for moliosis – a disease that causes some Canadians to lose their sense of humor, especially in cases where jokes mention Canada. Oh yea, and the show is back too, after an impromptu cancellation of last Friday’s show. I have no idea what that was about, some say it was punishment, some say it was sickness, and yet others say it was Dom’s fault. Speaking of which, he seems to be missing from today’s show. Did he get 86’ed while I was away? I didn’t hear anything about it when listening to OnDemand.

grumpy_fish

Everything except hand jobs.

Did you know woolly mammoths are Jews? They have curly hair coming off the sides of their ears, like Jewish people. “Bleeding” Burger Ellis is in studio today, farting and bleeding all over the place and in a diaper. Rawdog hasn’t told his mom that he’s dating a porn star. Actually, he hasn’t told any of his family, but it’s mommy that’s the big one that might have an issue with it. The other girl he was sliding his dick into, right to the top? Yea, he dumped her non shroom sharing ass to the curb. But only after he pummeled that pussy like trout meat one more time. Here’s something. Tiger got to meet Shaq! And here’s something else. Tully was an honorary Girl Scout for 10 years, sitting in on brownie meetings and shit, poor bastard. Sounds like Shannon Shenanigans Gunz will be doing the workout with/against Rawdog on Wednesday! Which makes me wonder if she’ll accidentally queef while doing burpies. Jesus, what is wrong with me. Hand jobs aren’t sexual intercourse according to someone from some where. Sounds legit. Also, hand jobs make the world go ’round, along with loads to the face.

rondal_mcdonald_piggies

Slave to the McNuggets.

Chris Weidman called into the show today. A lot of people seem to think that he has the tools to beat Anderson Silva and end Silva’s reign as the middleweight champion. He (and other’s) say he’s better than Chael Sonnen and that he will make Silvia look human in a stand-up battle. He seems super laid back and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be mentally broken before the fight. Guess we’ll all find out this weekend when he fights Silva and UFC 162. If you don’t remember, Weidman was on the show before while they were in New York and had his house destroyed by hurricane Sandy. This led us into Rawdog’s workout. Rawdog says that Ellis picking on his shoes fucks up his workouts. So instead, Ellis will sing a song about how awesome Rawdog is while he’s doing his workout. It seemed to help get him focused and motivated, but it didn’t stop the after workout vomit session that he always has.

no_pudding_pops

Fuckin zippit bloopity shiggy doo a shoopa doopa appah clappah whoogly

The X-Summer X-Games were in Munich, X-Germany over the weekend and blah, blah, blah X-who gives an X-shit. A woman from Arizona was arrested for smuggling drugs from Mexico in her vag. She had a long, thick, chunk of meth in a condom that was so big, it had to be surgically removed. Something about Robin Thicke and dirty words, don’t care. Alec Baldwin got mad at some assfuck who tried to disrespect at his wife and then apologized for it because he tweeted some shit about the gay guy being a queen or something. Pendarvis realized that in the past few weeks, he’s called a straight man a queen – and I think he meant it maliciously and should publicly apologize. Wait. No. I don’t think he should apologize for that actually. J-Lo sang a few songs and some dude died. I don’t know, that’s as much Hollywood news as I’m willing to hear. More importantly, I really want one of those old school pudding pops. Chocolate banana to be precise. Bring that shit back Cosby! And with that, I leave you with this… A priest, pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/17/2013

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naked_gun_leslie_nielsenFull studio today, Tully is back from his super secret mega meeting on a movie set, Dingo is back from New York, Rawdog is no longer grounded, and Ellis is there in his normal chair. Tully wears pajamas and buys top of the line slippers, not that ratty looking shit, he’s on top of his slipper game. Ellis and Dingo are straight boxer shorts wearing mofo’s, no word about Rawdog’s sleepwear but I’m just going to pretend he wears a see through nightgown. Ellis confession time. Ellis’ therapist said he was supposed to go out and ask a pretty girl for their number, he even went out and got a book about how to pick up chicks. He went out to put himself in the position to meet new people and got bored and left. STEEERIKE 1! However, he did go out to see Ironman 3 with a chick last night, but he fell asleep. STEEERIKE 2! Ellis also just signed a deal to fight somebody, so he’s back out of retirement and in the fight game. Ellis and Rawdog went out on a double-date with each other, they all met at Chateau Marmont for $400 drinks and food. Ellis might be have obtained celebrity status as he was ushered into the “special” area and Rawdog was not to be trusted and had to be walked to the table to make sure he belonged there. Rawdog was the one to suggest they go there to take Ellis out to apologize for Friday’s fiasco. But as soon as that bill came, he balked on Ellis paid the tab. Tully got his breakfast on Friday paid for by a billionaire. He was on the set of a baseball movie that he’s writing the book for. It’s about two dudes that travel to India looking to draft some dudes to be the majors or some shit. He got to meet Jon Hamm, Bill Paxton, the kid from that movie Life of Pi, and some other people. The UFC fights weren’t so great this time, even Dana admitted they sucked. There was a bunch of MMA talk and some secret “Mac” guy, whose also a pro fighter, even called in to discuss some the aspects.

glitter_is_my_favorite_colorWomen, am I right time! Miss Utah sounded ridiculously stupid recently when she tried to give an insightful answer on gender inequality in America. Watch what you do with your wad fellas. Ladies can take your wad from the tissues you blew in and jam that cock snot into their vag and make a baby. Wad can be preserved! New York’s “hot dog hooker” has been arrested again, her wiener’s bring all the boys to the yard. Some dude on a train was talking about cheating on his wife and some chick on the train overheard it and tweeted that shit to Facedong and it got a shitload of likes and nobody knows if the wife found out. A pregnant woman in New Orleans reached over a counter and helped herself to a frozen daqueri, after being confronted, she produced a hand gun and threatened shoot the motherfucker. Pregnant and drunk is no way to go through life, sister. Some drunk lawyer chick in Brooklyn threw her panties at cops during her freak out and yelled “suck my pussy” and “eat my ass, you fucking pigs!” This is not the lawyer you want defending you. Bonus, her boyfriend broke up with her. A Canadian female police officer reported being shot, causing a hunt for the gunman, turns out she shot herself. Some other dipshit chick walked into a glass door and then was trying to sue for physical and emotional damages, but not brains.

wutang_beesHollyturd news time. Lil’ Wayne hates America, he stepped all over the American flag while “rapping” in one of his music videos. Also he plans to retire. Yay! Samsung is going to be giving 1 million of their customer’s a copy of Jay-Z’s new album “N-bombs in Wisconsin”. Obama vs Putin in a swimming competition, and something about Ed Hardy garbage. More stuff, but I was in traffic and forgot. The one thing I didn’t forget? It’s Thomas Haden Church’s birthday today, so happy birthday (not paying royalties for it) to that legend! Malicexxx and some Tara chick came on the show for some wad talk, it was wadalicious. There was some talk about bears and sharks too, but I was still in traffic and busy wishing everyone would just crash so I could get through – so I’m not real sure what else to say about those two animals. Instead, I’ll tell you this. Three sluts are in a bar. The first slut says, “my vag’s so big, I can fit a whole fist in!” The second slut says, “So what? I can fit two!” The third slut just smiles and slides slowly down the barstool. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 6/13/2013

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interns

Yes, where are the chicks that wanna talk wad?

Holy shit! It’s Thursday the 13th! Wait. It’s Friday the 13th that’s supposed to be freaky, isn’t it. My bad. But for all we know, it could really be Friday and the man is just making us think it’s Thursday. Ever think about that one? You did? Oh, you did? Okay, well then fuck it. Ellis thinks he likes Frank Sinatra more now and might get some suits, go to night clubs and sashay to “Come Fly With Me”, and act like a completely different person. His therapist says he needs to get out there and get bitches numbers and shit, without doing a pillowcase full of cocaine and shitfaced on vodka. The knuckleball is an uncommonly thrown pitch in baseball, it is thrown to minimize the spin of the ball in flight, causing an erratic and unpredictable motion, making it harder to hit. Speaking of baseball, it was 43 years ago today that Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter while on LSD! A little intern rivalry on the show today as Anal Gay-Lewis spilled the beans on Jimmy Neutron, how he’s kind of stupid and doesn’t follow orders very well, specifically, his orders. Neutron started to give Anal the stink eye and began defending himself as he was having tremors in his fit of rage. The guys thought maybe Neutron was just blowing hot air, but he say’s he’s trained a little bit and thinks he can take Anal. Are you guys catching all these innuendos that are heavily peppered in the past few sentences? One thing both interns agreed on was that they both liked Team Jetta better than the each other, even though Team Jetta seemed like he had been partying with Jude before coming to work.

dumbass

Shout out to intern Jimmy Neutron!

Hollywood news times. Rapper 2 Chainz’s robbery was actually caught on video along with a dude that happily skips down the sidewalk during the robbery. So cute! NBA talk time, the Spurs put Tracy McGrady (aka T-Mac) in the game because they were kicking so much ass. Back to Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, that’s neat. David Letterman likes to compliment guest bands on their drums and find out if the drums are theirs or not. Pal of Jason Ellis, Carey Hart, was on TMZ because a photographer was taking pictures of Pink changing their child’s diaper, so Carey and his friend assaulted the dummy. Amanda Bynes and Cher got in a small spat on Twitter, then today Amanda got into it with Miley Cyrus on Twitter as well, and all that is super neat. Reese Witherspoon accidentally showed her turd cutter on them skreets. There are fragrance foundation awards? What. The. Flower? Who cares. Gerard Butler was on some show in Germany to try and crack nuts with his ass and then pour ice water down the front of his pants. This prompted the guys to think this might be something the interns should do, which of course Team Punishment (aka Tito, aka Jimmy Neutron) thought was a dumb idea and didn’t want to do. What a team player, he pretty much isn’t into anything and he definitely seems to have a chip on his shoulder. Each intern was sent out to get the goods, 1 some walnuts, 1 a bag of ice, and 1 to get something else I can’t remember. First one back? Jimmy Neutron, with a sack of fucking trail mix. What a dumb-shit. The interns finally came back with all their supplies, but only Anal Gay-Lewis knew how to put fucking ice in his pants, the other 2 interns were just lost. One is fucking high on something and the other must be mentally retarded.

sack_of_my_breath

I’m guessing there were no balloons in Sparta.

Some fool has invented cube shaped wheels for skateboards, you know, because cubes must out perform round fucking wheels. I guess he’s talking about traction, but still, it looks ridiculous. Hey, did you know most past civilizations are full of fantasy shit that never really happened, like vikings wearing helmets with horns? Well, not Sparta. Apparently it was pretty much exactly like the fucking movie 300 – but with way more insults and a lot less love. Your newborn look a little funky? Better abandon that little shit on a hill and hope some stranger takes it home to eat it. So you’re 4 and afraid of the dark? Guess what, you get to be isolated in a dark room, ya little pussy. Happy 7th birthday! No go learn how to hunt and be a soldier and be naked. Oh, you’re hungry? Better steal some food and hope your ass doesn’t get caught, or you getting the shit beat out of you. This sounds exactly the opposite of where interns are raised. Rawdog did his workout challenge on-air today and it sounds like he went hard in the paint like a champ. I assume he spent the next 10 minutes on a single, continuous yawn afterwards. Then it was time for his testosterone smoothie. The interns were put in charge of making the smoothie, and guess what they couldn’t do very well? Yup, use a fucking blender. Scratch that, he worked out until he started puking, so that’s pretty fucking hard in the paint – though I’m not so sure having to puke after every workout is a good thing. You can say what you want about Rawdog, and you can say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds. OH!

rawdog_workout