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Show Re-cap for Thursday 6/6/2013

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Welcome to Thursday but really this is the beginning of the week because the government says so. Just as long as I get the day after tomorrow off the government can call today what ever the fuck they want. People who wear suits and are driving dirty cars are suspicious. A good suit makes the man and a clean car shows respect. Keep your car clean, don’t be a sloppy fuck leaving shit everywhere and letting it grow into a new species yet to be discovered by science. Speaking of sloppy suspicious people, the French, am I right! They didn’t even invent French Fries and are always rollerblading and being a bunch of pussies and shit. After French bashing the guys tied to think of fun things to do with the interns that won’t cause injury or death because the government says so. The government is always ruining everybody’s good time. Some of the fun ideas were intern piñatas, dodge ball from beefy beefcake Jace, whack a intern mole, the stop hitting yourself game, tug of war with the interns and Ellis’s truck, but instead the interns did a round of mom jokes before the conversation turned to Rawdog and his next pussy repelling choice of car. The Volkswagen, to be more specific, any Volkswagen. But as he’s pretty sure that as he cruses in his Passat he will be getting some crazy hot gymnast pussy, or Sally field, both are possible.

Hollywood News can now be found at TMZ.com, I am still and will continue to protest the frequency of this bit and not include it in my recaps. Back to the real news. A man in Texas

Also available on Amazon.com

Also available on Amazon.com

got let off after shooting an escort because she didn’t bob on his knob, a cheerleader pimped out another cheerleader at a school, and Amazon is going to deliver groceries. This brought up the discussion of the rain forest and how its being destroyed for books and shit but don’t worry the forest is fine, the 80’s celebrities all lied to us. Then something about a snake and people and a million dollars which makes everyone anti Semitic.

An ad in Australia has been banned because its too gluteney and border line pornographic and stars Pamela Anderson. Gigantic feral cats are exploding through the Northern Territory and this brought on cat vs croc talk. Science has determined that eating your wad has health benefits. Science is gross, and what is also gross is that Josh is willing to eat his own wad for $1500 bucks! Guess the Dog is craving a bit of snowballin. Turns out that Tully would do it for $1500 each time, in fact he would do it five times a day for five days just as long as it didn’t turn up on www.OneTullyOneCup.au

The super special guests that were supposed to come in, Wu Tang, left because Will dissed them by not accommodating their parking needs for all five cars they were arriving in. Will is such a dick. Baby in china got shit into a sewer on accident and another chick ran a half marathon and then had a baby and she didn’t know she was pregnant. How the

I wouldn't fuck her with bitPimps dick and CrackerStacker pushing!

I wouldn’t fuck her with bitPimps dick and CrackerStacker pushing!

fuck can someone crap out a human from their gash and not fucking know it!  I don’t know how to make a good segway from this shit so, moving on. There was an impromptu Intern Pasties Punch Challenge with Team Jetta vs Team Punisher. Team Jetta lost so now Josh will get to pet a predator. Lucky him. Up next was You Sir Are A Moron and there were too many subjects moving too fast for me to recall but some of the highlights were, Ellis can totally kick a bears ass, Miley Cyrus isn’t that hot, some more shit that I can’t remember, but in the end the real morons were the callers during final calls as expected. Speaking of things being expected, congrats on your new baby brother, I can’t wait until the episode of Maury to find out which guy yer mum has been trading fluids with is the father, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 5/17/2013

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Welcome to the Pre-Vacation Recap of The Pre-Vacation Jason Ellis Show. The guys will be gone for the next two weeks on vacation, and like any good listener you’re wondering, what are the guys going to be doing while gone? Well it’s a good thing I’m here to tell you. Ellis is going to be training and eat healthy and rolling around with sweaty, hairy men and photo (1)getting a tan as he trains jiu jitsu. Rawdog is going to just roll on the pussy train making all the stops in Tuna Town, Smash City, and Beavertropolis. Tully will be reading Children’s books, because he is super dad and that’s what super dad does. After vacation they thought it would be really awesome to do a show sitting in the ocean, that is until one of the intern tards dropped the cord killing everybody. Josh revealed that he is also going to a vampire porn movie premier at a club so he can finally put all those games of Dance Dance Revolution to use. Tully broke the law to check out massive boobies, rightly so, those things are ridiculous! Thank you sir for your contributions to society. Would you cut your balls off to win the lottery? For hundreds of millions of dollars are you willing to have just a shaft and a massive taint? I would, and I would show everybody my million dollar nut sack scar as I laugh and drive away in my Lamborghini. Ellis thinks he can fight a bear with a shield and sword and win, I’m not touching this topic. Are you a fat piece of shit and want to know the Jason Ellis Secrets To Weight Loss? Burn more calories than you eat, don’t eat junk food, and don’t eat after eight at night. That’s right fattys, it’s that simple.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was caught on tape smoking crack and talking shit and the video is up for sale. The dude that owns it wants to get paid six figures for it, but that’s Canadian money so it’s probably like $3.50 American and a cheeseburger. Speaking of food, the Chronic Taco guys showed up with delicious morsels of assorted animal meats and spices. They shot the shit and talked a bunch about Weeman, Weematt, Josh Hanson, and fucking on every surface in their restaurants. Okay, maybe not EVERY surface, but if you find a hair in your taco…

In Aussie News a man on a stroll got attacked by a startled kangaroo, an Australian Minister Of Education clicked “like” on a Facebook photo of a kid not knowing the kid was3ow8ea playing sneaky nuts. Ellis challenged Dom to a reading sing off duel while wearing cockroaches. Dom screamed like a little girl when the woman, that’s right a woman, put them on him. This incredibly entertaining bit of torture was brought to you by Reptile Outpost, always supplying TJES with creepy crawly bitey things. Sweet Wheels (@SweetWheelsLa) brought in some treats for the guys and the girls told them about being i a desert truck and the tough times of being a mobile restaurant chef and owner. After stuffing their faces the guys took a few phone calls giving relationship advice. Here is a summary of their replies: tell your chick tough shit and be happy you have a roof and food, if she’s getting wasted all the time get her help or leave, if she’s got another dude leave her alone until she doesn’t, the best way to get over a chick is to get under another one, don’t date your besties ex unless its been over 10 years and you have written permission and he’s dead. Then there were a bunch more calls for different advice but I didn’t write them all down because its Friday and I don’t give a fuck.

And now Hollywood News. I’m gonna level with you folks, I couldn’t give a shit what happens in Hollywood, with celebrities, or in the news. I would be incredibly happy if they cut this bit down to twice a week. I don’t know what you think but you don’t write the recap

Space poop, that shit's everywhere!

Space poop, that shit’s everywhere!

so neener neener neener. Now back to your regularly scheduled shenanigans. There is MMA this weekend but not for Nate Diez because he tweeted the F word, not that F word, the other F word and got a fine and suspended. In poop news scientists might have to spear shit on the space ship that is going to Mars. And some Canadian car smashin hackey player called in showing us just how frequent those guys get concussions and other mind limiting head injuries. That also reminds me, yer mum better get HumanShittingCream.com quick before someone else grabs it. Everybody knows that nobody can hold more cream in her ass than yer mum, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 5/16/2013

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Welcome to No You Are and in case you got here by mistake let me introduce you. First off we have @bitPimps, the creator, the brain child of this wondrous monstrosity, second is myself  @Az_RedDragon, the good looking and funny one who has it all but still stays modest, then we have @wiz1010, @CrackerStacker6, and @shit_toboggan, a motley crew who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is and together have the writing skills of the love child of Shakespeare and Steven King. Tully got a mystery message on Facebook chastising him for hating the Deftones, he doesn’t, but fuck it, lets just go with it anyway. Somebody brought up the topic of if the show should be on its own channel or on Howard’s channel or just leave it where it’s at? Everybody has their own opinions and reasons for those opinions, but if I’ve learned one thin it that opinions are like assholes, gay dudes love them. This morning was Music Appreciation Day with Tiger and he took a liking to Soulfly, probably because the little dude knows what they are saying. But none the less this made big daddy Jace cakes very proud and happy that he is getting away from the pansy ass flower sniffing music his mom likes. Juder McDuder stopped by allegedly high on alleged Ketamine and was having a fan-fucking-tastic time.

Pot news brought us the news of a farmer selling pigs that have only been fed pot seeds and stems and roots. He says it makes a better pig that is fatter and tastier and giggles all

Okay, he's not a fucking Porn Knight but you get the idea.

Okay, he’s not a fucking Porn Knight but you get the idea.

the time. Rawdog had to spin the wheel of doom for using the phrase YOLO (You Only Live Once until someone stabs you in the head for being a tard). He had to do the MMA Gauntlet and kicked ass! He is turning into a knight, a porn knight with a dick like a steed, slaying dragons and bitches and shit. After the physical assault on the Bush Baby the guys decided to play a game, the only problem was that they didn’t have a game, so they called upon the listeners and after a bunch of shit-tastic ideas they actually got three that were tolerable and possibly good. The first one was the game Faction Song Challenge where the guys had to guess the song or artist from the Faction playlist. Tully won with Josh second and Jason last. The next was Funny Bit From A Word That Will Picks. The guys got a word and they had to say something funny about the word. Tully won, Jason came in second, and Josh lost. The final game was Make A Song, and as expected Tully won, Jason got second, and Josh lost like a one legged man in a three legged race. Because he sucked so bad he had to spin the Wheel Of Doom again and he has to wear girl pants and press on nails for the rest of the day.

Some parking meter helper dudes are getting sued by the city for acting like a douche, it’s midget-basketballin the news. Then The Jason Ellis Show brought you NBA playoff info brought to you by Rawdog. Here is a summary of his report, Tenacious D, hold their load, 46% shots, top five players, Vancouver grizzlies got green cards, Clay Thompson with a k, red team vs dark blue team, Steve Bryant and Kobe Nash doing great. After that he talked about hockey and for the first time in the history of history, even Canadians didn’t want to listen to  the hockey news.

In Hollywood News Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are doing something I don’t care about, David Beckham retires as a soccer player and is now modeling underwear full time, look out Victoria’s Secret. Kanye West hit a street sign again or talked about it or something. Some lawyer is suing someone because Beyonce’s workout video ruined his bum bum and he can’t sit down. Somehow the conversation got turned to heroin and its sweet sweet sauce of love. In final calls we learned that if your brother fucks your fuck buddy don’t be all weird eiffeland Eiffel tower that shit bro, it’s not okay to have a relationship with your ex wife’s best friend but you can ram that box just for fun, and finally if anyone thinks heroin or Oxys are good then you didn’t listen to the last caller, Courtney Love, explain the difference. Speaking of strung out slam pigs, hows yer mum doing? I haven’t heard from her since I dropped her off at the McDonalds with five bucks and a warm belly, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 5/10/2013

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Welcome to the end of the beginning, Ellis will be assassinated tonight but will resurrect to do a special edition dead man walking episode on Sunday, so be sure to tune in. Ellis went phototo the doctor for a checkup and the doc said he’s good in the hood yo! Do you remember the show when they talked about that one stuff that’s supposed to be awesome? Well if you don’t then I’m not going to tell you about the deer antler spray that came in today. Ladies and deer beware! Ellis went to Snooks school with Andrea for an arts and crafts show and had to guess which painting was her’s but then she told them later that it wasn’t hers and then a little while later she revealed that it was really hers. Apparently a bunch of people don’t like hearing Dom get shocked but Rawdog’s mom likes so everyone else can fuck right off. In political economics we learned that everyone needs a little communism. If you disagree please send your comments to JRichmond@siriusxm.com. They talked about the O&A show and the different shenanigans that they are up to and it sounds funny so check it out. Or don’t, see if I fucking care. This brought up the subject of show structure and if its good or bad. It was determined that a completely structured show is stressful and a pain in the ass but a show that is just off the cuff has a lot of room for nothing and could be bad. The way it is now with a little of both seems to be best in my own opinion. Josh’s high school reunion is this weekend and when this was brought up before the guys said he should bring a porn start with him. Imagine this, he’s dating a fucking porn star now! Problem solved, now he just needs to put “Titty Fucker” on his name sticker.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day, a holiday invented by Anna Jarvis to celebrate her moms life  but it got all fucked up by card companies and greedy florists, so after spending half her bad-mothers-day-cards-1life trying to create it, she spent the other half trying to get rid of it. So when you buy your mom flowers and cards just remember, you killed Anna Jarvis. This little story capped off the Women Dumbasses, Am I Right? segment. A woman wrote to advice column asking if her dumb mother-in-law can make her child dumb by being around her. A man was speeding, and when pulled over there was nobody driving, while the police searched the area, the car took off. They pulled it over again, searched the area again, and the car took off again. The third time they finally found the dude hiding in the trunk. Congratulation dude for being the sweetest dude this week and congrats to the cops for being the dumbasses of the week. A Michigan woman stalked herself by creating a fake Facebook profile of her ex. Two buddies from prison had threesome and one dude stabbed the other dude because he wanted to get some of that sweet sweet tang. A 14 year old boy in Illinois hired a hooker online after his parents left him alone for the weekend, she robbed him. Maybe next time he will remember to use Angie’s List. A woman got pulled over for a DUI and told police she was celebrating getting her license back after her previous DUI arrest. Former Vice Mayor of Mount Carmel Tenessee was arrested for speeding and flashing his genitals at a number of women on the interstate. Red Dragons to you sir! And finally, a Texas mother delayed treatment of her son’s gunshot wound to the leg so she could check webmd. After all of this exciting news the guys had to determine who was going to get hit in the balls by a swinging ball and they decided this by playing Rock Paper Scissors. But Ellis had a trick up his Aussie sleeve, dynamite. I’ve never heard of it, nor did Tully or Josh but to be fair I decided to get some votes on whether it is legit or not so, vote here for yes, here for no.

A taco shop in Florida got in trouble for selling lion tacos, apparently they have a bit of overpopulation and lions go great with pico de gallo. Today was a great day, so great in

A little lower!

A little lower!

fact that they did another awe inspiring episode of Doin’ Stuff With Rawdog! Here is a list of some of the things he expertly explained in such a way that only the Tussin Wolf can. The proper way to put your boat in the water, how to barefoot water ski, how to bleed your brakes, how to make ketchup, how to wrap and ship a vase, how to treat and dress a gunshot wound to the leg, how to build a ramp, the proper way to put on and wear a cock ring, and how to give a neck to nuts back massage. Eventually this segment will be on a best of and then you can hear it for yourself because details like these cannot merely be written in words.

Randy Jackson said something about something that nobody really gives a shit about yo yo yo. The Rolling Stones are the worlds oldest babies. Brook Mueller wants to be in rehab with Lindsay but we all know the truth, she’s just a butt mule of Adderall. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made wine, correction, they hired a guy to make wine for them. But all jokes aside this is a great wine with slight after tones of strawberry pez and a smooth gluteny finish. Blubber the blee bla blo ptthhhhhh and Hogan and a sex tape and who fuckin cares. Teen moms porno has been released so if you want to see her kick a goal for teen moms everywhere, just visit the nearest spank bank in your hood. Lisa Lampanelli has done what science has deemed impossible, she got down to 140 pounds! Somebody brought up the subject of wine and being The Jason Ellis Show they held nothing back and told everyone the truth about wine, it sucks. The wine industry has convinced the world that piss and grape juice is delicious. Wine is for wonen and dudes that are like women, of you want to be a real man, drink beer and whiskey and rum and pass out in the front yard like your supposed to! That reminds me of the first time I did yer mum doggy style. It took six shots of tequila to get her to do it. Two to let me fuck her, and the other four to get her in the front yard barking like a dog! But that was a long time ago, now it takes six shots just to get her nasty naked ass back in the house, OH!

Oh, here’s that chick that shook her money makers at a hockey ref.

Show re-cap for Friday 5-3-2013

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Its WGAFF and if you give a fuck then your out of the club! We’re the best and be proud of your self for being the best, except you there, your only second best. The guys started off by talking about how good their show is, and how shitty other shows are. It’s like getting rock-hard-power-creampunched in the mouth with silver teeth, having silver teeth sounds awesome, but not when they’re blasting through your face. It’s a perfect analogy.  Ellis’s movie of the day is Point Break, mainly because of the incredible acting by the Australian cop at the end, that dude should have won an Emmy mate! Then they started talking about  how to get rich, Ellis could either start adding commercials to his radio show or start a pyramid schemes or make a fake product like hair tonic and boner strengthened in one. Hairy boners may be a side effect. Ellis dreamed he dropped a N bomb on air or maybe just said niggy but that’s even worse according to Josh Adam Richmond anyway. Where is the line? Gay, fag, homo, fairy, fruity, pillow biting ass bandit? No matter what AIDS isn’t funny, and this message has been brought to you by Downzing. We here at NoYouAre go to great lengths not to offend anyone but if you are offended by something you have read or saw on our site please follow this link and write us so we may correct the issue. Oh, and in case you weren’t sure, it’s not cool to show your friends your dick or for your friends to show you their dick, unless that’s what your into, then you meat gazers have fun.

Tully read a story about ghost hunters and then gifted us with a little ghost story that he experienced from his childhood. Somewhere in the basement of his home there was

Have you seen Michael? I need to fuck up his printer again.

Have you seen Michael? I need to fuck up his printer again.

something that kept fucking up his word processor printer. Might be a ghost, might be magnets, how the fuck do they work anyway? Kengie The Killer came into the studio promoting his new book. He hung out for a while and just shot the shit with the guys. In Hollywood news, Lohan went in the Betty Ford Clinic, it’s still not where the judge wanted her to go but apparently it’s good enough to keep her out of jail. Then there was something about the Elmo dude. And just in time for Mothers Day, Kobe Bryant is suing him mom because she auctioned off a bunch of stuff he gave her and he says it was still his stuff.

In dumbass news, two pilots decided to leave a pair of stewardesses in charge and they couldn’t keep their fingers to themselves and kicked the plane off autopilot almost crashing the whole damn thing, can you guess the dumbasses? A few shows back Rawdog accused small tittly loving Ellis of not being able to handle a pair of massive mammies and to settle this challenge, Karla (@mzkarlaxoxo), Alia (@bestboobsinporn), and Tyadore (@matrixbabe) all came in for the best molester titty groping contest. They blindfolded each girl and one by one, pound for pound, they molested groped felt up caressed each woman. First up was Rawdog with a laughably embarrassing 12 year old boy technique. Alia gave him a crash course on mammary manipulation to prepare for the next two girls. Carla Lane was next and enjoyed the newly educated and ever gentle caress of Rawdog. In round three Ellis won with his more aggressive tweaking of Tyadore’s ta tas.
Apparently after the contest the second girl, Carla, mentioned to Ellis that she really liked the Tussin Wolf and Ellis Mate got her digits to slip to him. After hearing this the only thing I could think was, “aww shit, the dog better slap that ass and get a ticket for the hump bus to smash town!!!!” Speaking of getting laid, here’s the video of the Australian woman getting fucked at the gas pump. And now I present you with the Greatest Guitar Riff finally, finally:
Voodoo Child WINNER
Sweet Child O Mine
Money For Nothing WINNER
South Of Heaven
And the greatest riff in the history of string benders is… Money For Nothing!
Its that guy, in case you see him at Walmart or Target or something.

Its that guy, in case you see him at Walmart or Target or something.

A 50 year old man was munching rug in the coat store, oh yeah. Actually he was on crystal meth and was eating carpet lint thinking its sparkles. Some family somewhere walks on all fours. Some kids got suspended for torquing, whatever the fuck that is, and Travis Pastrana got the pole this weekend, and he gets to start first in the NASCAR race, da dum tss! A beady eyed buddy from the north called in with a story of how he shit in a cat box. And speaking of Canada, they loosened the import regulations on mozzarella cheese and now pizza is cheaper, enjoy your new found freedom Canooks. Towards the end of the show, Rawdizzle was saying that he may not give Carla the sausage because he feels uncomfortable about her being a porn star and doesn’t just want to ram his rod into random box. Speaking of yer mum, congrats on her getting her website mentioned on the show today, must be a big boost for lustfulkitty.tumbler.com!