Good afternoon, ya bunch of fuckin’ wankers! Come ‘ere and give daddy some sugar, right on the bell end!!! But seriously folks, we need to start selling crack. Crack may have been whack when Whitney Houston was doing it, but it’s time has come again. At least according to Ellis, who will be moving into his sweet new pad on Sunset Blvd. real soon, where he also plans to sell crack. And of course Tully has an awesome story about being robbed by a crackhead who then took their money to buy crack and then made him and his friends cover him from prying eyes while he proceeded to smoke the aforementioned crack. YAY CRACK!!! But more importantly, make sure your mom stops to get me some Brillo and baking soda on the way home. The guys are working on more new Death!Death!Die! songs, and of course after hearing Cunt Kicker on Friday, my dick is definitely hard. Of course, we can’t have a talk about crack without Rude Jude stopping by. The guys talked music and rapping and the upcoming hit single Jack The Cunt that the guys are currently working on. Jude surprisingly admitted that from time to time he will do some karaoke and one of his normal numbers is a Janis Joplin track, and that he can sing the fuck out of some country. Of course, we absolutely needed to hear this, and Jude belted out a vocal track that rivaled the original level of drugged out bluesy fucktardery that Janis gave us 40-plus years ago. The guys had to rehash the basketball game they had last week to Jude and how Will Pendarvis blew his knee-pussy out without leaving the ground. Of course, Jude offered to buy any of Will’s unused painkillers. Ellis called Everlast to double check if he would still be a part of the new Death!Death!Die! album and set up an afternoon to go to the gun range together. Everlast has a new baby, so he understands Jason’s hectic schedule and has vowed to lay some sweet vocals to round out the magnificent project that the new album will be. At this point Jude was graciously released from the album, but still may be a part of it on some shitty karaoke level or another. Maybe as a hype man and groupie control specialist. .We got to hear some great stories about Andy Milonakis being a slobbering pothead from way back in the day even though he has that Webster disease that makes him look like a high school freshman even though he’s creeping up on 40. And Ellis leaked that he’s gonna be coming on the show this afternoon!!! So that’ll be awesome. Jude was still surprised that the crew played basketball and had to quiz Rawdog on what he knew about it, and of course being Rawdog, he didn’t know shit even though he was an avid basketball fan before. But of course, Rawdog does have his own knowledge base on all kinds of things, like fancy soda. Of course, this was a whole new debate about whether or not celery soda tastes exactly like 7Up or if Rawdog’s hatred of vegetables is why he doesn’t like the taste of celery soda. The guys started giving Josh shit cause he doesn’t broaden his horizons and it got to the topic of how often and to what the dog jerks off to. Tully had to jump in and give a nice description of all the porn he’s been watching since his wife has been out of town and how ropes of jism are streaming from the rafters in his house. Rawdog still didn’t give up the particulars of what he spanks with, but Jude sure did and it all sounded like a good reason for me to make a couple stops on the way home from work today. Jason chimed in that porn is barely even worth breaking out the lotion anymore, because it’s on his TV pretty much all the time and him and Katie have pretty much just become film critics of the adult genre, unless UFC or supercross is on. This all turned into the guys giving Rawdog shit because he tries to keep stuff to himself a little too often and he gets all stubborn and defensive. It can fill a few good minutes of radio, but it does get old to listen to. He gave up a little bit of what his normal rub and tug material is, and it kinda sounds like he’s using a copy of “People” magazine and his old college yearbook. Josh finally admitted that he’s been kinda stalking all the many faces of Facebook that he may or may not have known, and said that he didn’t want to cop to it cause even he feels a little creepy about it. But really, it’s not that creepy. I mean, there’s porn with people eating shit. Trust me, Rawdog, you’re not nearly as weird as you think. The guys had to admit a bunch of other odd facts just to make him feel more comfortable, like how Jude can’t fire off a load from a blow job unless it’s in a dangerous situation, but it’s because he doesn’t feel right about it if the girl doesn’t cum as much or more than he does. And how Jason might finish quicker than normal with a random lady he doesn’t know that well, but if she’s really freaky he can get back up for a second round just as fast. But they didn’t want Rawdog to feel bad about any of it, cause he has years and years of built up sexual rage that he’s gonna unleash all over someone’s uterus in the most disrespectful and torturous way possible, and they’re all pulling for him. Knowing how much of an awkward late blooming mother fucker I have been, I fully endorse Rawdog getting shitfaced on all the free Mangria that Adam Carolla sent in and using the empty bottle on a lady of questionable moral character while she says creepy anti-semetic shit and acts out all her daddy issues in a rilakuma costume on Rawdog’s living room floor. Just don’t forget to lay a tarp down, Tussin Wolf. You could void your security deposit really quickly engaging in these kinds of activities.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME BITCHES!!! And it’s a fucking Rip Snorter today! Justin Bieber used to have a monkey, but not in the creepy erotic way that Michael Jackson did, but customs in Germany seized it cause he didn’t have the right papers to take it on a plane. Will.I.Am can go fuck himself twice with a broken stick, but he’s also a fucking ripoff artist and has been called out and admitted to it. Ben Affleck BREAKING FUCKING NEWS JASON ELLIS OFFICIALLY LIVES IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN but back to Ben Affleck, he has volunteered to live for five days on $1.50 a day in an effort to raise awareness about world hunger, so good for him. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had to get an emergency hernia surgery after injuries he got during WrestleMania, and Michael Bay apologized for that steaming bucket of shit movie Armageddon, but not for Transformers or any of the other cumshots he left on America’s cinematic face. Leonardo DiCaprio did some shit that I didn’t hear cause I was typing, but he still gets honorable mention. Gwyneth Paltrow is catching some flack because some clothing line she came up with has bikinis for kids and everybody hates her according to Star magazine. Ed Norton is a champ, he got married and had a baby and none of you fuckers heard about it till now. The producer Dom called in on the VIP line with the rapeyest voice I’ve ever heard, it’s like he was decapitating a kid and fucking the throat hole right there on the phone, but more importantly he came up with a game about celebrity superstitions and crazy hobbies. We learned some pretty interesting and bizarre shit about a bunch of our favorite movie stars, like how Jessica Alba made everyone at her baby shower wear some leather bracelet with a prayer on it and making them keep it on until the kid was born, or how Travis Pastrana is the number one pop star in the world and says shit about not fucking people you don’t love, and how Meagan Fox always listens to Brittany Spears when she’s on an airplane cause that’s what keeps it from crashing, or how Axl Rose will never play a concert in any city that starts with the letter M, and how Steve Jobs tried an all apple diet to prevent evil spirits or some shit, and that Elvis Presley flew 1800 miles for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a mother fuckin’ BOSS, NIGGA!!! (please excuse the N-bomb, but in a situation like that I really could not help myself) And that Leonardo DiCaprio got outbid on a dinosaur skull by about $276,000 by Nicholas Cage. And Gwyneth Paltrow is even more of a bitch cause she doesn’t let her kids watch TV in english. And Sisqo is convinced that wearing a hat onstage will garauntee your success in the music industry. And former president Ronald Reagan didn’t eat a tomato for 70 years, but how would he even remember if he had, right? Also, Liam Neeson is a big fan of fly fishing. Snooki produces shitty music on her computer. Angelina Jolie collects first edition books and daggers and probably uses one or the other during sex. And Justin Bieber is a big fan of solving rubix cubes fast as fuck. Finally, we learned that Johnny Depp plays with barbie dolls and probably doesn’t have an unmarked white van parked outside your kids school right now. Shout out to Dom’s creepy drifter voice, it really did make the bit. Especially when he started saying things like “Your so close” and then “God no, you fucking people.” The back and forth was epic, if you know anybody who was recording it, have them send you a copy. It’s worth a second listen.
So, we all know that Nordic ladies are pretty easy to stare at, but in Sweden, they’re kind of assholes, cause a modelling agency was sending talent scouts to hang out around an eating disorder clinic to pick up new talent. So yeah, fuck those guys. This got the guys talking about how it’s nice to have a lady who is a good healthy weight, and that women who are too beautiful basically get conditioned by society to be raging cunts. But what’s really important is, Dingo dropped by with Andy Milonakis to talk shop and be a couple awesome mother fuckers for our amusement. Andy is a comedian, he used to have a show on MTV, did some movies, all around interesting and intelligent guy to listen to. And he’s got that Webster disease where he looks like a high school freshman! I’m not trying to be an asshole about it, it’s just funny to say it to me for some reason. Andy is pretty big into sketch comedy, improv and from time to time does a bit of music too. He also gets wasted and bangs shitloads of bitches from time to time, which is the kind of people who are usually pretty sweet to hang out with. Andy gave the dog a little pep talk about getting laid cause god dammit it’s healthy and it’s great for your self esteem. Andy even volunteered to go out on the town with Ellis and Tumble and even mentioned that there’s a lot of porn stars living in his building, so there’s definitely some angles to work to get Rawdog to dive into the beef pool and never look back. This spawned the idea that Rawdog should do one of those public sketch comedy shows where he walks around in a leather jacket eyeballing all the hoes and spitting mad game and at the end of every episode he get’s two inches from the prize, but something happens and destroys everything he worked for. Could be a winner, at least on the internet. So the guys got to bullshit for a while, talk about Andy’s future projects, the TV show he’s trying to work on with Dirt Nasty and some other guy, and all the things that may or may not be gay, apparently there’s a whole rule book on it. It would have been a perfect time to bring back Dude is it gay, but they didn’t bring it up, even though it would have really been a cherry on top to the whole segment. The guys talked about all the fine bitches they would slam, and whether or not you have a good reason to be scared of tossing a girls salad, general consensus is that if you can’t get your mind past the risk of a girl farting on your tongue, you should probably steer clear. We got to hear a track off of Andy’s newest album and it was a little strange but actually not that bad if you’re into the white boy nerd rap kind of thing. They chatted a bit more, Andy is a cool mother fucker, he’s making good things out of the opportunities he’s got and not trying to fuck anybody else in the process. All in all, a good guest on the show. And I’m sure there was plenty more goodness, but thanks to the awesome worthless shitty technology that is the SiriusXM online player, it skipped me past all of it and wouldn’t let me rewind to hear it again, glad to know my membership is funding really productive projects for those guys. I checked on twitter a bit though, looks like a lot of people were enjoying themselves, so I’ll say that it was a good show.
You know, I wasn’t always the caring, sensitive person I am today, I used to be a hopeless, degenerate, scumbag with no hope for a bright future. But that all changed when I found my personal savior, and to think he was there with me the whole time. I thank him and praise him every day, for through him all things are possible.
That’s right folks,
HAIL SATAN
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,
