Congratulations, you’ve learned how to click a link leading you to a web page . Must be feeling pretty God damned good about yourself now, eh? It’s Wednesday on The Jason Ellis Show, just like it is for the rest of the world, except maybe for some Indian tribes who are still holding on to it being Bear Star or some shit. Either way, we have a lot of radio that can be jammed down into very few words today. It is a very special Wednesday, as it is Katie’s (@Underwearwolf) Birthday, clocking in at the big ol’ 30.
Ellis’ therapist is awesome, and is getting him amped to do all sorts of new stuff with his kids and his little makeshift family he has going on. Ellis is getting way better at reading, and was reading books with his daughter. What surprised him was he could actually read all of the words in front of him and he was stoked on that. I have been operating under the assumption that he would never have the ability to read these, so now I’ve got to hope he never feels the need to click on this shit and lambaste(read that fucker) me for anything I’ve said.
Language is a fucked up thing. Right now, you are reading this and understanding the language I’m writing this. But some dude from Japan who stumbled on this site looking for giant snail porn is confused as all fuck (I’ll explain the snail later). The guys talked about different languages and what they learned in their lives. Josh wanted to learn spanish instead of hebrew, because he is such a Hollywood Jew. Tully learned French so he could smash box. Josh also had to go to traffic court again, and the most challenging thing for him seemed to be the elevator. Rawdog was driving with an expired registration, but the really great thing about his trip was the conspiracy theories he heard were gems. Somebody was blabbing on about how everyone who was in line was either black or Latinos and there weren’t any white people there and the man is keeping them down Wahhh wahh bullshit. Never mind the fact that the whitest man in the world was in earshot of them.
The guys brain stormed on a possible future event where they would try out different sports as a competition, possibly with fans or celebrities. Things like 2-on-2 basketball, hacky sack, cricket and other made up sports. Seems like it would be a good side show for an Ellismania or a mini-Ellismania. Looking forward to that happening one day.
Today was a really special Wednesday because it was the return of World’s Greatest Wednesday! Ahh, I could almost hear the boners popping up through twitter as the words came out of Jason’s mouth. Today’s journey continued on yesterday’s conversations about giant African snails, and we strove to find out what is the World’s Greatest Way to Humiliate A Snail. If ever there were a topic to really bring out the nature of Ellisfam, apparently it is how to torture and humiliate armored slugs. Seriously, after today’s show I am pretty damn sure we have some serial killers listening to the show. The winners will be revealed on tomorrows show, but some of the highlights I can remember were:
- Plastering Offspring stickers on the shells
- Making them drunk drive
- Dunking over them and posterizing them
- Tie helium balloons to them and float them in the air
- Make a Snail Messiah, betray him and crucify him.
- Super Soaker filled with salt water
Fuck, there were a lot more than that. About 21 total I think. Probably should have wrote them down… I could always look through twitter and see some of the suggestions on there…
Adam Carolla was on the show today. They talked about radio and comedy, and how stand-up is more like being a magician instead of a warlock. You can pull off the tricks, but you don’t possess any real magic, because you plan it all out ahead of time. Carolla has trained in boxing a lot in his life and can throw down when need be. He told some stories about a time on Spring Break when he was drunk and wandering through other people’s beach houses. He wandered into one, looking for a beer, you know and the phone rang. Well, he picked it up and the dude on the other end got all pissy because he was calling a chick and said he was coming over to kick his ass. Adam Carolla is no pussy, so he said “Alright, I’ll be here.” So the guys came over, and they went outside and Carolla KO’d both of them. Red Dragons. And then another time, where some chick he was trying to get away from was talking shit and saying he hit her, so these 5 dudes all threatened to kick his ass. He said, alright, but he’ll only fight one of them. When he kicked that dude’s ass, he got smacked in the back of the knee with a baseball bat and had a bottle broken over his shoulder. The other four guys (at this point, we can just refer to them as pussies) jumped him and eventually overwhelmed him and beat him up, but not too bad, because as I mentioned, they were pussies. The baseball bat guy especially, because he was trying to take out Carolla’s bum knee he had just had surgery on. Anyway, some time passes and a friend of Carolla’s started knocking on his door when he was trying to finger blast a girl. Carolla answers the door, and his friend had the baseball bat pussy in a headlock, presenting him to Carolla. Carolla spared the man, though and apparently he flies planes now or some shit.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS: Rick Ross got dumped by Reebok for some line he had in one of his probably awful songs about date raping a chick. Serves him right. Russel Brand tried getting Tom Cruise for Scientology, but Cruise didn’t take the bait. Justing Bieber sl;dgpwouengewifvnsl;ivjsdmvegfvksjvemsc. Donald Trumps wife moisturizes their 7-year-old son with caviar moisturizer every night, and that kid needs to move out immediately if he wants to be saved. He needs to ditch his life and become a slum dog as soon as possible so that he can retain some sort of credibility for the rest of his life. Seriously, just live in the tunnels underneath New York and rise back up as a bad ass one man tin-drum band. I’d buy that dude’s record. Paul Hogan is filing a report to get 34 million dollars that was stolen from him by his financial advisor. With that 34 million I imagine he is going to buy the biggest barby you could throw an insane amount of shrimp on. Or he could buy a knife so large that you would never be able to doubt that it indeed, was a knife.
Dom had a new game today, and it was pretty fucking great to listen to. It took a bit of tweaking, but I’ll get to that. The basic rules of the game were to play a small audio clip of a Metallica song and the guys had to guess what James Hetfield was saying. What the guys were actually able to hear and attempt to translate was pretty fucking funny, and I never realized how inaudible some of Hetfield’s lyrics were. Things took a turn for Lil’ Bane when he put a clip on the CD that actually was not Metallica. I don’t know how new some of you are to the show, but you DO NOT fuck up something on Jason’s show when it comes to Metallica, because he is a massive fucking Metallica fan. So, bring on the shock collar! This is where the segment got fucking hysterical, because Dom’s reaction to getting shocked is possibly the greatest sound your radio can make. He flops all over, screams and slams into the wall all while staying in character as Lil’ Bane and saying “Mon.” I just want to pause a second and say how happy Dom’s Lil’ Bane character makes me. He never needs to be reminded to stay in character and while it seemed so lame at first, it is unexpectedly one of the funniest things I have heard on the show, ever. People can hate on the dude all they want, but the dude has drive, puts out a shit ton of effort and books guests like crazy.
Final calls was only about 15 minutes, but Tully pondered if it would be OK if he got a “Brown Pride” tattoo because even though he isn’t Messican, he is really proud of them and how far they have come. Mexicans really are proud of their shitty cars, and Ellis wants to live more like a Mexican because they seem happier with things that are shitty. I can just see the hydraulics on the THC Porsche now.
There has been a lot of snail talk lately on the show, and on this re-cap. I remember one time when I met a snail while I was walking up my driveway, I picked him up and tossed him over the fence into the backyard. The next day, I came home and found that the snail was still dead in the backyard because that is a dumb fucking joke and so is this one. Screw you, I’m tired asshole. You expected a snail trail joke about your mom? You’d like that wouldn’t you? Well everyone knows your mom leaves a snail trail wherever she goes. Every now and again she slimes her fat ass past enough dirt and dog shit and the friction rolls it all together and it festers and eventually the bacteria molds and grows enough to crawl away and start it’s own life and here you are reading this.