FUCK YEAH!!! It’s Tuesday, ya cunts!!! I hope you got those taxes in on time cause you’re gonna need the money for bail after we’re done partying!!! The Ellis show is gonna party too, all over your face and tits cause that’s how the fuck he rolls. Now, I can’t lie, I had a fucking busy morning and was half way through a pretty delicious burrito when I realized I needed to start writing this, so there’s a few details right at the beginning I missed, but the boys all seem to be in pretty good spirits, so it ain’t gonna be three grown ass men having a pity party all afternoon. Jude stopped by the way he often does on Tuesday, he seems to be having a pretty good time. He couldn’t make it to his show yesterday and got a bunch of shit for it on twitter. And of course, being the consummate professional he is, his answer was “OK, Fuck you.” Basically, he knows how hard he works for Shade45 and doesn’t really need your opinion of his work ethic, or your complaints about having to listen to Lord Sear, AKA StackCheddar. This is about the point he started venting about how StankCheddar is always falling asleep on the air, and breathing like a dying walrus on the mic, and how he’s gonna have a heart attack before his kids are old enough to be out of diapers. And how StraplessCheddar is always late and definitely hasn’t trademarked his name cause he’s irresponsible and if he was chasing you all you’d have to do is climb some stairs and wait him out for like ten minutes until he falls asleep again and then walk past him on your merry way. And how even Rawdog could probably beat ShankGouda at almost any physical activity, if only by way of endurance. And how you’re never gonna change anything unless you really fucking want it. Shout out, Jude, you’re right on all counts. This led to talk of how Lord Sear is probably slowly killing himself and SiriusXM is enabling him like a crackhead’s girlfriend who keeps letting him beat her up when he’s on a bender. OK, maybe not that extreme, but kind of. Do you hate the DMV like I hate the DMV? Well so does Rude Jude and everyone else on the Ellis show. That place is a shithole. But the one in Hollywood that they ll go to apparently has a really awesome fruit stand for while you’re waiting in line. Jude started talking about how to move the line along faster by sweet talking the hideous swamp creatures that work behind the counter at the DMV, and it almost sounds like a good idea, unless you’re a shitty liar, then you may be taken out back and drawn and quartered by the four horsemen of the Department of Motor Vehicles. At this point, Jude had to leave, but he made note that Sear is on fucking watch now, and that his shit ain’t gonna be flying much longer, but it’s all out of love.
“…HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DAAAAANNNNCCCEEEEERRRR…”
I don’t know why, but I can’t help singing along with Elton John. Fucking classic if you ask me. Anyways, after the break we came back to hear that kids these days are fucking idiots. I guess the new big thing is to snort condoms and run them through your mouth like that old mental floss trick the carnival people used to do with a piece of spaghetti. So yeah, say what you want about terrorists or abortions or gay marriage or godlessness, but the world is doomed because we don’t take these kids out back and bust their heads over a rock when their born, like in the old days. But on to more important matters, the guys got a call from Christmas Abbot, the bodybuilding first female pit crew member of NASCAR. The guys got to chat with her about the trials and tribulations of super fast tire changes and lifting heavy shit. Christmas owns her own crossfit gym in Raleigh (not sure which one, there’s a few Raleigh’s). She also got rejected by the US military when she was 18, but then got in later and did some awesome shit for America that had nothing to do with people turning left for 5 and a half hours. The guys had a good back and forth about shit that goes fast, and being fit as a mother fucker and how it’s not always good to start fights with people. And how even in NASCAR, steroids are bad. Especially if you want to remain looking like a girl, which is pretty important sometimes, like when you have a vagina. There was more talk about crossfit, which I’m still not sure what it is so I wasn’t paying too much attention, and how she’s really not the first or only pit crew member in NASCAR that has tits, and how Christmas Abbot is kind of an awesome chick, and she definitely sounds like it. So, shout out. After they got off the phone with Christmas, there was some diet talk about how gluten is the devil’s feces and chefs are mostly assholes, especially at trendy chain restaurants in southern California, and how the only way to know exactly what you’re getting is if you grew it and killed it yourself. And then, it got in to talk of Rawdog unleashing locusts from his pants, and I gotta say that sounds like a great opening line. Just start singing MachineHead’s “Unto the Locust” and whip your dick around while a plague is unleashed from your drawers. Hell, I’d like to see my girlfriend do that, shit would be a game changer. This topic all started because Tully read some news about giant fucking rat sized snails that are slowly but surely rotting away at Florida (Almost like a biblical pestilence against this countries nut sack) and these things are just raising all kinds of hell. Personally, I could give a fuck, cause Florida is a shit hole and we keep getting weird news from them that reduces my faith in humanity on a daily basis, so GO MUTANT FUCKING ASSHOLE SNAILS!!! When they win, I’m guessing the land will be a matter for the snails and the gators to sort out. Gonna be an awesome made for TV movie, I’m sure. This led the guys to start thinking up the super hero team they would start to combat the snails, it was a pretty good brainstorming session, with Rawdog getting fucked up on sleeping pills and walking around in black face smashing shit with a golf club and everybody throwing salt on everything like you were trying to get a tax write off for making it rain on bitches (Remember that story about The Game from a few weeks back? Good, so you get the joke. Let’s move on…) Our illustrious producer Herpes Stroke Face actually called the Florida university department of entomology to get some insight on just how this epidemic is playing out. Basically, the siege has already begun and the fight has been going for about a year and a half. Our future snail masters have been putting up a good fight though, they breed like jack rabbits and can live as long as nine years, and yes, humanity is fucked. But the human resistance is doing their best to stay ahead of the curve, developing new poison baits like BEER!!! Which has been the cause of the rise and downfall of so many people and civilizations, so maybe we just need to party with these snails until everyone is too shitfaced to think clearly and let the cross species bar fight that ensues be the true decider in this situation. However, Ellis and the guys are holding strong to the superhero idea, so maybe we’ll get to see Tussin Wolf live in action breaking shit off in the sidelines wearing a golf suit while Beer man and Snail man handle the whole thing. Some fucking tosser called in to say he would help with baiting the snails by sitting in the middle of the street getting drunk to lure them with the sweet smell of a 24 pack of Natural Ice. More people called in to confirm that Florida is gonna be swallowed up by snail trails in a matter of weeks, and that Beer man and the crew are desperately needed. Hopefully, the boys can get it sorted out.
HOLLYWOOD MOTHER FUCKING NEWS!!! Rumors have been circulating that Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have gotten separated, and recently Ozzy got on Facebook to admit that for the last year and a half he’s been drinking and getting high again, but the last month and a half he’s been staying off it.Him and Sharon are giving each other a little space, but by no means are they getting divorced. Coolio is getting some heat cause he may or may not have pushed his girlfriend to the floor and punched her in the face then brought his other girlfriend home and snatched up his kid, bounced out the house and hit the first girlfriend with his car. It truly is a gangsta’s paradise sometimes. And that’s all of it. Glad that Hollywood is keeping everything mellow this week. However, there is some BREAKING NEWS, Tracy McGready is gonna be wearing number one on whatever new team he signed with, sorry I don’t follow basketball, so I wasn’t paying attention when Rawdog announced the trade earlier. The guys started talking about the new Evil Dead movie for a bit, and how it seems to be the movie that Sam Raimi really wanted to make in the first place. It was a fucking awesome too, and I saw it opening weekend, so I know it was a fucking gore fest and one of the few scary movies that makes my skin crawl. Ellis also responded to a fan email about some of the rape jokes that have been floating around the show lately. He understands that it’s a touchy subject for a lot of people, and that working on the edge of comedy means you’re gonna piss some people off, but he wanted to honestly let everyone know that there’s no justification to make what he said OK, and that he is sorry for any hurt he may have caused because he does appreciate all the fans that have kept him going and wouldn’t ever wish any real harm upon them, especially not in that way because he’s been there himself and it’s the kind of thing that’ll scar a person for life. After that, we had the triumphant return of WORLD’S GREATEST GUITAR RIFFS!!! This is gonna be another one of those opinions and assholes segments, I would probably put together a very different list of greatest riffs and declare my own winner as a three way tie between probably ten or fifteen different songs. However, the guys gave their version and it was entertaining to hear everyone’s opinion of what good music is. There were a few kind of surprising and completely non guitar riffs as well. ‘Twas an epic showdown of some of the best in music from the last four decades. And a bunch of people called in to say that Rawdog was an idiot, and that’s usually pretty entertaining.
So, some people in Michigan happened to notice that a FUCKING 6YEAR OLD KID was driving erratically and blockaded the little bastard before he fucked anything up too bad. His story as to why he took the car? Well, first he was on his way to get some Chinese food, but when the cops asked him he said he was on his way to the dealership to fix a couple dings he put in it when he smacked a stop sign. Shout out to that kid, I wasn’t nearly that proactive about anything at that age, I just wanted to watch cartoons. This got the guys talking about how sweet it would be to have a demolition derby of six year old kids in big old 1970’s Cadillacs, which I would be really into watching. And how they would be the new crazy drug addicted grown up child stars. Now THAT would be the kind of celebrity gossip I would want to follow. But enough about that, it’s FUCKING JEW MUSIC ooops, fuck that probably wasn’t cool, that’s my grandpa talking, sorry folks, NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First waste of human life PSY has given us a follow up to Gangnam Style called “Gentlemen”and it’s a fucking dirty needle full of shitty heroin cut with AIDS and leprosy. After that we heard Ghostface Killa dropping a new concept album called 12 Reasons to Die, and it was exactly the kind of quality you would expect from a Wu-Tang side project. Fallout Boy returned even though they should have stayed fucked off into obscurity, and they have a new album for all the thirteen year old girls to have their periods to. Ghost BC is a Swedish Metal band that started off very epic with some choir singing hymns of our dark lord and savior BEELZEBUB and then breaking into a bit of the typical euro metal stuff with the choir continuing to sing over it. Major Laser is some shitty super collaborator that dropped another club hit with all the other more famous DJ’s that is great if you plan on stuffing 25 ecstasy pills up your urethra and pissing a rainbow all over some guys prostate. Problem and Yamsu are two guys from my neck of the woods who are taking the reins of what used to be hyphy that is now called trap and it was exactly the kind of shit I would expect from the shitty rappers that I see hawking their $2 demos over by the train station. K.E.N. Mode is a Canadian metal band, so you know they’re totally friendly with their animal sacrifice and mutilation, but they actually sounded half decent, definitely listenable if you like metal or hardcore. After that was the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, being all emo and lesbian as they’re known to do, but I like lesbians and they’ve got an actual style and play their instruments, so I can’t talk too much shit. Next we’ve got one of my personal favorites and a member of the Battleaxe Warriors (That’s right, Swollen Members and Madchild’s crew, which I’m also a part of) named Slaine and his new album the Boston Project, this shit is not like the shit they play on the radio, it’s actually good, so go buy it you fucks. After far too long, we FINALLY HAVE A NEW UGLY KID JOE ALBUM and it was not the kind of worthless shite that most other hair metal bands that should have hung it up years ago are putting out. Next up we got some Steve Earl giving us another album full of bluesy old timey country music that I generally avoid like herpes. And Willie Nelson dropped a covers album, which I’ll give him credit for just for being the guy he is, but I still don’t want to hear any more country SO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF RAWDOG! Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week which was put on hold so the guys could try and force the dog to play some of the new Skid Row minus Sebastian Bach album and it was actually acceptable, much more so than Ugly Kid Joe. Then, we got Rawdog’s pick of the week, which was the new Flaming Lips single which I could honestly give a fuck about because they never did anything too interesting to me. It’s the kind of shit you would listen to while a sort of frumpy chick with incredibly oversized glasses gives you a really awkward blowjob while you’re painting and smoking clove cigarettes on a balcony in some really trendy neighborhood in New York but you’re totally not satisfied with the blowjob because life is so pointlessand society is entirely fractured, or y’know, whatever you write in your journal when you’re not snorting coke that you bought with student loan money off of it. Sad news for NFL fans, Pat Summerall passed away. And some asshole tried to mail some poison to a U.S. Senator, so keep your eyes open next time you’re at the post office. After all that we got some final calls about some shit that people think and trying to revive some dead jokes from earlier in the day, all in all a good wind down for an entertaining afternoon.
Since I was very young, I’ve always had a dream that one day I would be so successful that I could wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. And my mom told me “HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA Fuck that I’ve seen you, you’re fucked! You’ll be lucky if you’re legal to live by yourself when you’re grown up” and I told that bitch “I know you’re making a whole lot off all that dick you been sucking, and I’m sure your dad wouldn’t be too happy to hear about that” And that was the first thousand dollars I ever earned, but certainly not the last.
Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,