Monthly Archives: November 2012

Show Re-cap For Friday 11/9/2012

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Shut it, yappy!

Hello ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that I don’t give a fuck, because it’s Friday. Let’s see, where should I start? How about with a good old fashioned falcon punch to the vagoo? Yes, yes, that feels right. Now we can begin our journey together, focused, void of any fucks in our way, and with a clean pair of underoos. Ellis feels like buying silver pants and wearing a furry vest. Tully had and wore silver pants, but Rawdog didn’t – it’s not silver pants time for Rawdog and I think he knows it. However, Rawdog is slamming a Go Girl energy drink. You know, man shit. Machine Head is supposedly not allowed to play in any Disney owned venues or on Disney owned property, which includes some House of Blues locations. But more importantly, how’s Cumtard’s butt doing today? Better than it was last night after trying to wedge a tube in his ass. He said the tube was cutting his asshole, so he tried just the funnel and it too was cutting his asshole, but eventually got the enema kit to work and squirted beer up his ass and all over his socks. You’ll be able to see Cumtard’s buttchugging and be able to access EllisMania.com on your smartphones in 5 days!

That sick track you’re making is only missing some sweet licks!

Moon news came back today, people are seeing UFOs eggs in the skies above the borders of India and China. Some poor kid that was forced to go into some gay conversion therapy basically got tortured by his family, wants to see his whack-ass family, but they don’t want to see him. Or something like that. It was a pretty long clip and started to space out. Gay conversion therapy. Seriously, people believe in this shit. Come to find out, this is more prevalent than I certainly thought, as several callers chimed in about their varying and unfortunate experiences with it. Rob Flynn from Machine Head ended up calling into the show, not about gay conversion therapy, but about the whole Disney vs Machine Head topic spoken about earlier. He cleared the air a bit about what went on, but the real news here is that he said he was open to helping Ellis with his personal track that he’s been recording. There was a quick semi-listing of all the things Rawdog has done over the year, such as losing his car, swallowing his own load, banging Sparky two times with one rubber, etc. Maybe we’ll get a full compilation of all his accomplishments before the end of the year.

He’s seen you driving ’round town with the girl he loves, and he was like haiku.

Hollywood news time, Jonah Hill and some Don Lemon who is a CNN news anchor are in a Twitter fight, apparently Mr. Lemon said hi to Jonah and he didn’t say hi back or something so now Mr. Lemon has a fruit cup up his ass. Mark Wahlberg will allegedly be replacing Shia LaBeouf in the forthcoming Transformers movie, which doesn’t have a name yet or I’m guessing even a fucking script. Robert Pattinson is crying about something or another, doesn’t matter – he looks like a foot. Cee-Lo was in the fucking news again, something about being in a brawl with some chicks, one of whom called him a fat motherfucker, or some shit like that. Again, who gives a shit. Somebody mentioned Lindsay Lohan and Storage Wars again too, but I was completely gone at this point and giving zero fucks. Rihanna said something about something else or someone else and then thankfully it was all over. I swear to shit, I hate writing about Hollywood gossip, it seriously has to be the worst fucking torture there is. I think from now on, anytime there’s Hollywood news, I’m just going to make up my own shit, at least then it might be a little entertaining. How much better would it be to read too? Like if I told you that Cee-Lo was caught buttchugging 2 cases of Schlitz and then went & bashed a store clerk over the head with a bat and pissed on their corpse, you’d be like “RED FUCKING DRAGONS!”

Noted racist and extreme falling enthusiast Black Africanakis (aka Donald Schultz) stopped by the show to talk about his show, saving animals, and of course extreme falling. Wanna see “The Ding” wasted, in a blue dress, and fighting other cunts? Of course you do, even though it’s not really Dingo, it’s just some drunken Aussie bitch being a sick cunt. Shoebox was in the studio as well, but he’s pretty much worthless, so fuck him. HAHHAAA Just kidding. He’s worth at least minimum wage. HEYOH! I guess congratulations are in order! I wanted to congratulate you, I heard your mom finally came out of her coma today! Just kidding. She died. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 11/8/2012

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Somebody’s gotta do it

OK people, we only have to give a fuck for a few more hours so lets roll!  If Ellismate had 75 dicks do you think his arms would get tired from the excessive jerking requirements?  Its a damn legitimate question, and so is Rawdog asking if he’d even have enough load to support them all  droppin’ loads.  Speaking of loads, Ellismate was listen to Kevin and The Bean this morning, and man those dudes fucking suck. There not really the same thing as The Jason Ellis Show, kinda like the difference between vert and street skating.  Ellismate compared the shit they spew to what he had to do while working on Octane, such as telling you how amazing Finger Finger Death Punch is.  “BLAHT”!  Haha, thats the drop of rawdog gagging yesterday while practicing for his big day.  Tully’s working on the details, but no date has been set yet to see Josh blow that dead horse cock.  Hopefully Rawdog updates his hairstyle before the big day to look his best.  Tully and Ellis threw around some possible looks like herpes infected David Beckham or maybe honest Abe Lincoln.  Tully has afro like hair, which gets all padded down from his scotch taped head phones, which piss on Rawdogs one ear only headphones, fucking swinghouse.  Turns out Will has more headphones, and the new Jason Ellis cum rags.  Right about then Cumtard walked in, and the kids going to be a huge star.  Check him out soon on Ellismania.com doing shit like putting hot sauce on his taint to see if he gets a boner to the obvious butt chugging video.  Ellis also mentioned making the Rawdog spinning by his ankles vid too, and this may be a new Thursday routine for the site so fuck yeah!

 

 

That ain’t a sword he’s holding

In Hollywood News, its fucking cold and rainy, wah!  Also Jermaine Jacksun is changing his name and thats not a typo.  Some hot crazy Ukrainian bitch said the ‘Call Me Maybe’ song is a fucking rip off of her smash hit ‘Hunky Santa’.  Molly Cyrus is getting married at 19 and good luck with that.  Lindsay Lohan is a dumb cunt and she may be getting her own ‘Lindsay Lohan News’ segment on the show.  Speaking of dumb cunts maybe getting new shows, Kate Gosselin and Kendra Wilkinson swapped kids for a week trying to keep their reality lives going.  In other Hollywood news, some lady from Kenya had twins and gave them shitty names, and this baby got pregnant in Saudi Arabia.  Apparently all of the shit above was fucking hilarious to Jizz Cult who about stopped the show pissing himself laughing, so be sure to check out @Deadletters on Instagram!  Also be sure to check out Rob Corddry’s new movie Warm Bodies, and Johnny Knoxville and Arnold’s new movie The Last Stand.  Speaking of Arnold, is that dude not the baddest mutherfucker of all time?  Tully pointed out to Ellis that this warlord has been the strongest man in the world, banged a Kennedy and became governor, banged every other woman that walked the earth, and can’t speak a lick of english.  Red Dragons to you sir!

 

Watch your pussy around this guy

In Aussie news, reporter Michael ‘Sick Cunt’ Tully read a list of Australian inventions that may blow your fucking mind!  From disposable syringes to vaginal cameras these kangaroo fuckers really hooked us up with some cool shit.  Big shits rule, just saying!  So we may be getting another new segment like once a month, ‘Period News’, not to be confused with ‘Women, am i right’.  And then girl on girl star Ryan Keely walked into the studio and she’s fucking smoking hot.  She talked about the new law that passed in LA county and how it was total bullshit.  That the use of condoms with such huge cocks and repetitive banging actually makes the woman more likely to catch a disease since her membranes are so destroyed.  Its all just to stick it to the industry rather to really help anyone in the end. Turns out she is retiring from the game anyways, and just in time as Ellismate is thinking of making his debut with his porn character The Cape-ist, aka The Pussy Burglar.  So what is Ryan going to do with herself besides shuffle her cookie ten times a day?  How about a career in radio.  She’s already got a podcast going and some sick drops on the Ellis show.  If so, she needs to tell her stories about her ex boyfriends.  This one dude used to wake her up by dropping his load on her feet while she was asleep, and he took it up the ass.  This other ex of hers used to line up a friend of his to show up at dinner, and try to convince her into a DP with the two fellas, he took it up the ass too!  I’m seeing a trend with the type of guys she dates, and if you were wondering, she’s fucked 4 dudes in the ass in her lifetime.  Rawdog, I mean Sarah joined the show to have a ‘Sexy Off’ with Ryan Keely which was kinda cool.  Ryan also took the time to offer her advice to Rawdog for his upcoming event.  Suggestions like relaxing his jaw and using his hands to work the shaft should be very helpful when sucking that dead horse cock.  She did fear that the dick may be too big for Josh’s mouth,  but that hopefully shouldn’t be an issue.  Ryan’s also an expert on butt chugging, and gave Cumtard a few pointers to help him, like using a room tempature beer and for it to be flat to avoid the fizz.  She also suggested getting a higher quality beer since it is going up his ass.  She then gave Rawdog a zerbert and made the little Bush Babies day, awww!

 

I never knew thats what it meant!

In ‘Cock News’, Chad Kroeger is a total dick but also kinda funny too for betting a roadie to put his dick in a fan.  Shoebox rolled into the studio to shoot the shit about Cumtard’s butt chugging plans.  They tried some more to figure out the best beer to put up Kevin’s ass, but maybe its not beer they should be using, maybe Zima?  Shoebox taught us what a ‘chilly willy’ is.  Its when you take a shot of vodka, followed by a bump of vodka up the nose, but don’t try that at home.  From there it was all about Rawdog and this massive horse dick he’s gotta blow.  They tried to figure out how much of the steak Rawdog took on yesterday’s show and Tully placed it somewhere between 2 to 3 inches.  Well, if it don’t fit in his mouth, Joanna Angel will just have to to preform dick tricks on him for a minute and 45 seconds.  Ellis then tried to figure out the best way to display this act.  Should the Dog be on his knees with his arms held back, or maybe tied up like a magicians assitant?  He could have wings and bra and come out as a victoria secrets model.  Maybe a jockey outfit is appropriate for Rawdog, but only if Joanna gets a horse tail butt plug too!  What about the background music for this?  Slinging Cream or Neutral Milk Hotel or how about some video messages from his family for moral support through such tough times.  Whatever happens, one caller was right when he suggested they get the dick stuffed for the walls of the Faction studios.  Sounds like something your mom would ask for, a taxidermied stuffed version of mine and all of EllisFam’s cocks for her walls…..her pussy walls, OH!

 

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/7/2012

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Well it is Wednesday again, and the white boy is back and he needs a yellow wrist band.  Ellis will remain incomplete as a man without this magical wrist band he dreams of.  Turns out his friend, former Backstreet Boy AJ McLean, happens to own a company that makes wrist bands with spikes n shit.  They should definitely hook up on that idea, and the idea of AJ appearing on the future Death! Death! Die! track ‘Butt Town’.  Fuck Yeah!  Speaking of Ellismate’s friends, Carey Hart hooked the wing up with a new place to get a trim called ‘The Shave’ and they hooked it up.  Carey Hart has such sweet hair too by the way.  Sorry got a little sidetracked, so Ellis wrote a new song, but not for the band, this ones for him.  It felt weird to him to work on a track by himself.  Tully can sympathize with that, after all he is the mastermind behind ‘Retrofit‘, get it up ya!  Tully’s goal all along is to just get one track played on Faction, who knew.  Ellis would prefer Boneyard which sounds like him, and good ol’ Rawdog wants his shit played on The Loft, though I don’t see Slingin’ Cream fitting in over there too well.  Good friend of the show THC said he heard Liquid Metal play a Death! Death! Die! track which is bad ass.  This article of Ellismate reviewing all the new dirt bikes in the 2013 450 Motocross Shootout is fucking sweet too!  You know what else is sweet, Ellismate found his prostate.  Well really Katie did, and Ellis confirmed for us all that it works like a champ.  Maybe a little too much, cause after you do it once, your an ass whore for life.  Speaking of ass whores, Jizz Cult got to make yet another button today after sabotaging the show, “Can You Dig It”.  He started working on the “Warriors, come out to play” button, but Jizz got out of the situation before we got that piece of radio gold.  Thats really all that happened from last night, that Ellis Tully and Rawdog can remeber…….

Final preparations for The Reckoning

Oh that and Rawdog has to suck a dead horse dick at The Reckoning soon, since we bow again to our lord Emperor Obama.  Ellismate played the audio  from the original bet for us and Rawdog to hear again for confirmation.  The Jingleberries debuted their new smash hit, ‘Kill a horse, suck it’s penis!”.  We also got a quick appearance from Rude Jude, and just in time to witness Rawdog practice on a 10″ piece of steak that Tully just happened to have brought for this occasion.  After some strong convincing to Rawdog he needed to practice to avoid falling flat on his ass shownight, we all got to hear young Josh choke his way and only get about an inch of it down.  #FuckTully said fuck that, and showed him how its done, taking at least a good 4″ before hitting the back of his throat.  Rawdog gave it another try, and damn near vomited it all up.  All in all, worst blow job ever!

Would have been easier if it was erect!

Pepsi has taking a huge step closer towards ruling the world, announcing they are releasing ‘Pepsi Special‘ in Japan, which will make you loose weight.  Coke appears to be working on a soda to make your more beautiful, no you are.  So since the election was last night, there is obviously a bunch of reaction, such as tweets from superstars like Terrible Ted Nugent, The Bean, Justin Bieber and even warlord Nick Swardson.  But none of them were as nuts as the shit spewed from the twitter mouth of one Donald Trump.  Is he serious, crazy or seriously crazy?  Who fucking knows, Ellis thinks he’s just keeping his name out there, but Tully wonders if dudes just loosing it or maybe he’s just pissed at the tax breaks he would have gotten with Mitt.  Trump did delete a few of those tweets, but clever Jizz Cult found ’em and read a few.  Basically dude wants to start a revolution, which would only be successful if you bring Rage Against the Machine and topless bitches in army pants dancing and shit.  Some other cool shit from last night’s erection, Colorado and Washington both legalized weed, Red Dragons!  Of course Tully found the additional language, which is the taxation of it.  It gets taxed 25% each time it passes from the grower to the processor, from the processor to the retailer, and yet again when passed to you.  Quick math on that, if you started with $100 of weed, it would be $195 when sold to you, damn near double!  Sounds just like something Obama would do, followed up by army enforced butt chugging tuesdays!

 

Government demonstrating the proper technique for Butt Chugging Tuesday

Nothing happened in Cookie News but we did get to hear the drop for it which has been long overdue.  Some shit happened in Cock News, turns out 1/3rd or British men can’t see their dicks, and rape kids with their balls.  A shit ton more happened in Doing Stuff With Rawdog.  Fuck man, we now know how to make chicken, chicken salad and a martini.  We can clean a gun and avoid an avalanche.  Thanks to Josh, all of us can tackle Ellis in football and make hash.  The Illusionist taught us how to use a breast pump and find our prostate.  Doc Banger banged us with knowledge of repairing a blown circuit breaker and he added to his sisters quest to get that damn raccoon out of the attic.  Bush Baby enlightened us on how you water ski and how to syphon gas out of a car.  We also got to hear him try to blow a bubble, whistle, snap, burp, fart and much more!

 

Follow @future41 and @tullywood on Instragram

The crew recapped a bunch of shit in Hollywood News from the past few weeks.  Kirstie Alley is a fat slut and C-Lo didn’t rape that bitch.  Ariel Winter was getting mind fucked by her mom.  Also some dude got the living shit beat out of him in front of a Hollywood night club.  Rawdog read some quotes from Joe Simpson’s gay lover in his video recap of the two’s affair, which were just disturbing.  Not as disturbing as this Portuguese gay dude and his castration of his 65 year old lover using a corkscrew, or the curing of aids he did with dudes nuts while walking the streets of Manhattan.  But enough of that shit, lets get back to Rawdog.  Tully and Ellis tried to teach him how to blow a bubble, which took us up to final calls, and Rawdog almost got it.  Turns out Josh is also extremely afraid of cartwheels, but thats a whole other story.  We heard from Sasquatch, whos a truck driver in Alberta and also from a caller who told us Halloween still hasn’t happened in some parts of NY and NJ due to the storms, but those were the only callers the show got as no one else called after that.  We did hear that Ellismate took about 2″ of finger in last nights escapades.  Thats of course a far cry from the 22″ of my arm that goes in your mom when Im fisting her gaped ass, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/6/2012

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What the fuck is your problem? Come at me bro!

Hey fucker, did you vote? Well did ya? Huh? Vote? VOTE? DID YOU VOTE? Fucking hell, we’re almost over it, and I know we’ll all be much happier when we stop hearing about politics and shit. Oh, and when Rawdog has to suck that dead horses dick. Speaking of which, dead horse dick guy called into the show to confirm details on the 10-12 inches of limp, dead horse dick he will be sending to the show. Shit is getting serious, folks. Ellis has decided that he’s going to be a weightlifter. Make of that what you will, but sounds like Rawdog will joining Ellis at the gym, pumping iron. Bets are already rolling in on when Rawdog will be quitting his new found love for weightlifting. HOLY SHIT! Ellis and Tully almost got knocked over by the zit on Rawdog’s temple, Tully thinks it’s big enough to be registered to vote. Canadians are all wondering what it’s like to vote in a leader of the free world, and boy are they’re bitter about it. What do you think about having a vampire as a President? Who cares, Jude came in to the studio and he don’t give a shit about that or Joe Biden’s hair line. Know what else? Jude don’t snitch, except when it’s on Rawdog, because that shit’s fun as fuck son!

I look the same after lifting weights as I do when I go to Home Depot.

Nobody else could fit in the studio because of that fetus of zit growing on Rawdog’s head, so Ellis took matters into his own hands and aborted that thing. I thought I heard a spank noise and crying afterwards, but that may have just been my imagination. Hollywood news times again, Lindsay Lohan did or said something or another, I’m not sure. All I know is she’s not worth talking about, plus I can’t stop thinking about that goiter on Rawdog’s head. Kirstie Alley said her and Patrick Swayze fell in love on the set of some piece of shit movie, but they were both already married so they never actually physically fucked, only emotionally. Ellis will be going to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, who all have great tits, and Katie had never seen National Lampoon’s Vacation until last night. Nobody really knows how that is even possible, but then again, nobody really knows what trimester that thing on Rawdog’s head was in. Would you live with Ewoks? Some people think Ewoks are adorable, Ellis would marry 17 of them, and thanks to Tully, we learned way more than we needed to know about Ewoks. Is JizzCult really Superman? Does this explain why he always disappears? Is he out there fighting crime? We’ll never know his real identity or how deep his love is for Cumtard.

This is why you don’t see any pictures of your mother as a child.

Will weed be legalized today in Colorado? HAHHAHAAAMOTHEROFPEARLHAHHA Fuck no, even if it passed, some shit dick would leak shit out of their dick until it was illegal again. What a dick full of shit. Will murder be legalized in West Virginia? You better hope the fuck not, because there’s going to be an influx of pussies from West Virginia making an exodus, maybe into your state. The rest of those crazy fuckers will be looking to murder some shit in their murdering-ass state. New Music Tuesday flashback to November 6, 1992 – will it be good or will it be shit? Things kicked off with some Rage Against The Machine, which is fucking kick your grandma down a flight of stairs awesome! Things went straight to shit from there with Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Whitney Houston, and Jade. Ice Cube kind of picked up the pieces of shit that had fallen from the previous three gaping bands, The Pharcyde, and Kool G Rap & DJ Polo helped as well. Then we had some sad ass Leonard Cohen, followed up by some gay ass Bon Jovi, some stupid ass Biohazard, some punk ass NOFX, and some hokey ass Ween. Next up, Ellis Jeopardy, or what I like to call, Tully’s going home with an extra 6 bucks. Then final calls, and we all know how well those usually go so no surprises there. You’re grandpa used to tell all his friends a joke that involved your mom. It went like this, “How do you make a 10 year-old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on her teddy bear.” And that’s why still to this day, your mother cries when someone gives her a teddy bear and 10 bucks. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/5/2012

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Don’t mind me, just wheeling my manly dick around.

Happy Mother Fucking Monday sisters! It’s colder than a well digger’s ass, so we gonna heat this bitch up like some Ramen noodles, yo! Actually, I guess we’ll see about that – I mean how hot the re-cap is. Don’t hold me to it. Did you know that manly men have daughters? Well now you do. And guess what else? I have a daughter, so that means I’m full on manly, but you for sure already knew that, right? Dingo was on the show today and you know what that means – that’s right, a lot of loud, cackling laughter over anyone whose talking! Political talk took up most of the first hour, and I’m uninterested in what anyone else’s political alignment may be, I only care about my own and you should only care about your own as well – so there ya go. Neat, right? Next up was Hollywood gossip news. Something about Joe Simpson, & Sharon Osbourne, and guess what else? That’s right, I don’t give a shit about Hollywood gossip news, so there ya go.

Rawdog not only got a high five, but also the prestigious “I participated” ribbon.

A very young Rawdog played some tee-ball and pee wee league soccer in his illustrious youth sporting career, he got a high five once too! Have you and your brother ever tag teamed a chick? Did your brother help guide your dick into this mega-whore? Who the fuck am I kidding, of course some of you sick bastards have nailed some slut together with your brother. But you know what, porn is not real life, so it was probably an even more disgusting experience than what most of us are imagining. Did you know Alec Baldwin dropped down and did 20 halftime push-ups to show how in shape he is? Me neither. Dude Am I A Slut segment today. Some gross chick did something gross, but was not a slut. Another chick called in to say she used to masturbate to Rawdog’s voice on the radio while she was driving her car. She’s also sleeping with two different dudes she works with, neither of them know about the other, they have great sex, and she doesn’t want a relationship. Rawdog was trying to have some phone sexy times with her but Dingo couldn’t shut his fucking yapper long enough for anyone to hear. Doesn’t matter anyway because, DING, she was a slut. Another chick wanted to get laid on the morning of her divorce, went and got drunk and rode a mechanical bull at a bar, and banged 3 different people over the course of a weekend. Survey says, not a slut.

My reaction every time I make an awesome joke on the Internet at someone’s expense.

Cumtard has joined another dating website, trying to get some stank on his hang down. He won’t say which website so people don’t fuck with him. Tully posted his usual 2:30 Instagram gold, this time of a poster of a Japanese boy band called “Glay” that was formed in 1988 or some glay-ass shit like that. You like your porn made in the USA? Like money shots and unprotected sex? Well if you’re in LA County and voting tomorrow, vote no on Measure B. I think that’s what it’s called, actually, you should probably check for yourself. Some chick that has the mental capacity of a 6 year-old, got knocked up. I’m not sure how this is news, aren’t most chicks walking around thinking like a 6 year-old? HEYOH! Just kidding, there’s too much domestic violence going on out there, something like every 9 seconds a woman gets beat on. You’d think they’d learn to pipe down if every 9 seconds they’re getting the business. Sheesh. Need a good place to get your hair cut, ask fucking Dingo because he’s going to tell you no matter what – even though he doesn’t cut his fucking hair. Some dude called in, he pissed on his own balls for 4 years because his pecker was attached to his nuts until his parents got him circumcised. Fucking hell. Another dude can stick his own balls in his ass, he sat on them and then wondered if he could shove them in – low and behold, he could. This dude says his hanging balls are about 8.5 inches! His balls are longer than his erect dick! That’s crazy, but not as crazy as the 11 inches of balls hanging between your mom’s legs. OH!