2013

Posted on December 12, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Feed your obsession…

People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.

Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).

Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.

Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.

The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.

Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.

It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!

Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.

Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.

After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.

Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.

Things we learned on the show today:

Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great

Tully is attractive to black women

Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them

There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet

Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen

Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge

You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music

Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors

Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things

Different Cultures prefer different sized phones

Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep

Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper

Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered

Ellis has no savings in the bank

Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball

Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport

Ellis needs a podcast

New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact

Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests

Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to

Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel

Tully has to go see Santa

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013

Posted on December 11, 2013 by bitPimps 中

BOOM! First paragraph and I’m killing it! Or not.

Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.

Sign language ain’t so hard.

You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.

Wait. We’re talking about hot dogs?

Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further ~~tits~~ ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.

Leaving the wiener bit behind.

We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.

An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!

What does my face look like when I cum?

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/9/2013

Posted on December 9, 2013 by bitPimps 中

It’s Monday, get excited!

Yo. I’m bitPimps and this is how post a fuckin’ re-cap. Why the fuck is every other fuckin’ word outta my fuckin’ mouth a fuckin’ fuck word? Because I’m fuckin’ learning how to be a fuckin’ man from this fuckin’ guy. But fuckin’ seriously. Welcome to fuckin’ Monday’s show. STOP IT! Sorry. My man training is becoming a bit of a habit. Ellis has been humbled. Sometimes he thinks he’s not scared of stuff and that we’re all a bunch of pussies. But he likes stretching, vitamins, and not getting hurt and having to go to the hospital – it scares him a little. Friday he ate some pastries, Saturday he ate more pastries and went to ride moto with some dudes (and moto dudes are gnarly), and Sunday was pay the price day. He couldn’t jump anything because he was afraid he was gonna eat shit, so this made him feel shitty because moto dudes just go for it and make it look easy. The moto dudes even tried to make the jump safer for Ellis, but he talked himself out of all of it and never did hit the jump. However, he’s determined to go back and hit that jump like a sick cunt and not eat shit. Dingo knows literally everybody, including famous people, rich people, and people more powerful than Shaq. He knows so many people that 2014 is already looking like a stand-out year for TJES, because Dingo will get them in as long as they’re more powerful than Shaq. Dingo takes what he does very seriously, but nobody actually knows what the hell he does. He doesn’t snowboard anymore. He used to announce snowboarding, but not so much anymore. He pitched the Danny & Dingo show, but not anymore. Dingo. He just is. Dingo and Jetta are one item away from dressing up exactly like each other, so expect some early morning phone calls between the two for coordination purposes. But sometimes Dingo sticks out like a fart in an elevator when he’s in Australia because he’s more American, and Tully sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl when he’s in New Jersey because he’s not an orange skinned guido.

MMA news? Wilson has you covered!

Remember how last week people suggested the show watch Call of the Wildman Turtleboy? Surprise! It sucked. It was about a busted lamp at grandma’s, a cave, and Turtleboy’s pet raccoon. So Friday Night Fights were on Friday, if you can imagine that. Dingo was too busy chatting it up with Gerard Butler and didn’t see any of it, but Kenda Perez did and she called into the show to talk about it and how massive of a head Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva has. Tully was a bit confused when the announcers said Mark Hunt looked in phenomenal shape because he looks like he’s one Baconator on a pretzel bun away from a bedridden life. Shogun looked like he wanted to murder James Te Huna, and pretty much did by knocking him out. After Kenda, Wilson came in (his pants, OH!) to record a new MMA News button for the show. Katie also came in (not like that, it takes her longer. OH! OH! OH! Nope, not there.) to help pitch ideas and say a few things for the button. What was Dingo’s contribution? Pound for pound and karate chop! Bravo, you ledge! Everyone went around the room adding their contributions to what will no doubtedly be the most sought after MMA News button in the land.

I’m about to chivalry all over your face!

Something like 63% of Americans agree that chivalry is alive and well. And I’d have to say that in some shape, way, or form, it is – for the most part. Supposedly 1 in 7 men will offer their seat on the bus or train to a woman. I’m guessing those are for the hot women, not the slobs. Supposedly 1 in 3 men say they never assist mothers with infant / toddlers in strollers. You know this is because nobody wants to be around a screaming brat for any longer than they to be. Supposedly 1 in 5 men say they will regularly pull out a chair for women. I assume this is strictly for practical joke purposes. 82% of women surveyed said they would prefer to pay on dates. Yeah, right. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? Supposedly 89% of women said they would not accept help carrying their own bags. You’re just asking to get mugged at that point, right? Women want to be treated as equals, so of course some of the old-fashioned chivalry would not happen in today’s world. Is there even a need to throw your cape down over a puddle for a woman to walk on? Not if you live anywhere near a society. And if you don’t, you’re living subsistence life style so the woman is used to getting dirty. All this is about being a gentleman. And if you’re not one, you’re probably partly responsible for Honey Boo Boo. But chicks, you could be partly responsible too if you’re just a pure piece of trash who can’t even respect herself. Paris Hilton’s brother Lindsay Lohan’s friend dad party Dingo and I just shat my poop out. And that about does it for today’s re-cap. I sure do hope you enjoyed it, because I made it myself, slaved over it for hours, making just right, thinking of all your favorite things. So… Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks. OH!

This has nothing to do with the re-cap, I just thought it was impressive as fuck.

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

Posted on December 4, 2013 by jenni_mazky

I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

a copper meditation pyramid for $55
a claw predator ring for $125
a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
a jar of human toenails for $25
a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis

Ellismania.com has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/2/2013

Posted on December 2, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Sure gonna miss that guy.

Ah, Monday reader. We meet again. I know why most of you are here today, you’re wondering about Rawdog. So let’s just hurry up and get that out of the way, shall we? He’s gone. Ellis does not want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to take any calls about it, he said it twice on EllisMania.com and that’s all he wants to do. Finally, in the last hour of the show, Ellis addressed it 1 time and 1 time only. Ellis, Tully, & Will all agree that Josh no longer wants to be the person he was or do the stuff he was hired to do. Therefore he quit (took a leave of absence.) and they wish him all the best. Ellis isn’t happy about it, but the show must go on. So… welcome to December. America, how was Thanksgiving? Canada, how was work? New music (kinda) to start the show today, Big Fucking Mega Boat Theme, and then the old intro, which I’m sure Ellis was super happy about. Ellis had a dream that he got cancer and had only 30 days to live. But this isn’t Nightmare On Elm Street, so it’s just a dream. This shouldn’t be surprising to any of us, but Dingo knows quite a fucking lot about Matthew McConaughey and his personal activities with home improvements and such. There was talk about the movie Dallas Buyer’s Club, hence the 30 days to live dream and McConaughey talk. Why don’t musicals make it clear that the movie is going to be a musical? Ellis took his kids to a movie and asked his daughter what she thought about the movie. She replied with “it was okay, too much singing.” See Hollywood? Cut this shit out. Nobody likes your new musical movies, this isn’t 1921. Just stop it. Ellis also took his kids to go ride moto over the weekend and it sounds like all of them had a really fun time, even Snook. Except for the 6 hour drive there. And except for the part where the track was closed for 2 hours. And the part where some bitch at Zaca Station Mx stepped on his dog and told him to get lost. And some dude that insulted his son and called his ex-wife a name. But whatever, emu farm! Wait. No. Fuck that shit. Kids fighting. Ex is pushing buttons. 6 hours worth of driving back with not enough moto. And then Big Daddy Jayce Cakes lost it. Snooks crying, Daddy is crying. And after a long weekend of so much awesome, and then to have it all come crashing down at the end, it’s tough not to break down a little. But such is life.

Noooo! Dingo, don’t look at the phone!

Hey, have you heard about Amazon’s Prime Drone Delivery? Yeah, well, it ain’t happening anytime soon. Speaking something not coming anytime soon, Cumtard is in studio now to play some Ellis Jeopardy. If you’ve been keeping track, the reigning champion is also the score keeper, Tully – and don’t you dare dispute that. Unless you say Dingo of course. He knows everything about everyone. Amazon? Yeah, they had a meeting with Dingo about their Drone, because Dingo is a drone expert. Video games? Who ya gonna call? Dingo. Call of Duty was modeled after Dingo’s life, kind of. McDonald’s? They meet with Dingo to figure out when to bring the McRib back. The show Entourage? Yeah, he wrote it first. Since Dingo knows everything and everyone, it’s only fair that he had to wear the shock collar for the last few questions, which really bummed him out. Actually, he just completely shut down and wouldn’t talk any longer until the shock collar was removed and then BAM! Dingo all back in yo’ face, son! He got mad again when other’s were talking over him and his fascinating Perez Hilton story. Things were getting back to normal when suddenly we heard intensity in ten cities, not the song, but the kind we’ve heard recently between Ellis and Rawdog. This time it was between Ellis and Dingo. Dingo looked at his phone and wasn’t paying attention while Ellis was talking to him. They had a short, small dispute and then things calmed back down and that was the end of Ellis Jeopardy.

Celebrate sober?

Hey, Death! Death! Die! is the #1 metal album in Canada and #1 metal album in America, making it the #1 metal album in the world. Now punch yourself in the dick and know that it’s also the #1 rock album in Canada. No rub your dick until you have some pre-cum and then stop. Now you have blue balls on two different levels. Dr. Drew’s people reached out to Ellis about being on his TV show again, but he won’t be TUF because fuck all that shit, it looks like it hurts! Apparently people are still talking trash on some other people on TV. No, really. Crazy, right? I didn’t get to see a single fucking anything, Happy Thanksgiving long weekend to me, right? Wah. Sounds like Chris Holdsworth won his fight. People are mad at Diaz and Rousey, I guess for not saying something entertaining, not being nice, or some shit like that. Hey, you that guy that goes to the club or the bar and flirts with every chick until you lure a size 14 chick with nice skin into your van? If so, you’re “that creepy guy” other people are snickering at. But if you do that shit online, nobody knows exactly how creepy you are. So get with the times man! Use the Internet. Get that skin suit made! Morph into the beautiful butterfly you’ve been seeing yourself as! Allegedly, of course. Pendarvis’ brother will be on Adventure Time tonight, an episode he wrote and he plays the main character. So be sure to check that and then be really mean to him because that’s what he thrives on. Just kidding. There is a show. He does have a brother. But he probably wouldn’t appreciate you being mean to him. That’s not how you were raised. Most likely. And that pretty much wraps it up. So what’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis

Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/9/2013

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/2/2013