Allegedly, it might give you ball cancer. Allegedly.

Today is a day. So welcome to it! On this day in history, NASA was created and Wil Wheaton was born. In more important news, we’ve got bush! And we’ve got a live show today. Apparently Ellis got a lot of shit on Instagram while he was off for 3 whole days with strep throat. I’ll pass along on the message to anyone who gave him shit, “Fuck you, I’m out. You couldn’t last 10 seconds. I’m out.” So there ya go, haters. Now you’re gonna have to go find someone else with strep throat to hate on. Dingo is close to overdosing on homemade meatballs. He’s feeling pretty shitty because he’s been eating more of those meatballs than your mom has eaten men’s balls. Jeff Goldblum greeted Tully’s baby, and he also saw Andy Richter recently. So meet the newest socialite on the scene, Michael Tully! Rawdog is going to start up a Jason Ellis garden where he gives daily updates on watering, growth, potting soils, etc. to keep everyone thoroughly entertained. Gay Bar Wars no Gay Bar Stores no Bar Rescue, there we go, Bar Rescue was on TV and it’s a show. And it’s on TV. Ellis is recommending it, even though he makes fun of the dude’s face. Me, on the other hand? Do yourself a favor stay away from it, it’ll give you ball cancer. DJ Go For It (aka DJ Blue Steel) says the whole Bar Rescue show is fake as fuck. Surprise!

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

The most expensive burger in the world was served this week, it’s grown from cultured stem cells of a single cow and cost about $385,000. Lab grown burger, mmmm. Also in burger news, some dude ordered 1,000 extra slices of cheese for his Whopper. The world’s youngest chess grandmaster was crowned, bitch be 9-years-old and Asian. Moto news time. Over the weekend, James Stewart won Spring Creek Nationals for the first time this season. Trey Canard was second overall and Ryan Dungey was third overall. In the 250’s, Eli Tomac won his fourth victory of the season and took the lead in the season standings. In UFC news, Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson won his fight against John Moraga. Rory MacDonald beat Jake Ellenberger in a total lackluster fight. Robbie Lawler kicked Bobby Voelker in de head and won that shit. In UTI news, Michael “It doesn’t tickle when I piss on my balls” Tully has himself a urinary tract infection, diagnosed by Dr. Michael Tully, Ph. D. Probably not all that surprising, Rawdog and Cumtard have both had urinary tract infections as well.

Bruce Willis is a fan of NYA!

A man from Maine was sentenced to a week in jail after he left shit smeared on the floor and up the wall of a federal courthouse’s bathroom. He blamed his medication for shitting his pants and creating the mess. The real question is, why do they want that man to shit in more of their facilities? According to Dingo, this kind of thing happens all the time with snowboarders when they take a hard slam, they blast human mud out of their ass – so watch out for that during the upcoming X-Games! Segway into talk about EllisMania 9, fights, and who will be in it. Ellis is obviously fighting Gay Bruediger again. The musical chair fight and shock collar fights are a must. Then it was time to let the fans try and come up with some fight ideas. I missed a lot of this part thanks to work, the online player cutting out on me. the mobile player not working correctly, and a myriad of other shit. Oh well. I’m not going to keep going back only for the fucking player to crash out on me on the same god damned spot every time. Which brings me to this. A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears her clothes off and exclaims, “Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?” A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. “Iron this.” OH!