Tag Archives: Shane Carwin

Show Re-cap For Thursday 12/6/2012

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Oy Mate, It’s me Jason Ellis! I shit in your mom’s fishtank, Red Dragons ya cunt.

A set of double D tits is better to have for a year than a set of dog’s balls on your face, fact!  Oh, and its Thursday, also fact!  From here on out its total bullshit, so lets get to it.  Ellismate is still doing his home jail house workout, but is stuck in between ripped and Rawdog.  Meanwhile, at the Ellis estates, #burgerellis got his first x-ray today, Red Dragons to you my puppy friend.  Hey, if your ever in Vegas at Drais Afterhours, be sure to look for Jason Ellis, catching VIP treatment and taking photos n shit.  Turns out Kit Cope has a friend who was in Vegas this weekend, and saw Ellis there, high on ecstasy with some Asian chic.  Only Ellis wasn’t in Vegas, so what the fuck – We have an imposture!  Of course Ellis hit Kit up on the air to try and get to the bottom of it, and Kit quoted a line from the fake Ellis “I am Jason Ellis and I make lots of money talking on the radio”.  Cumtard tried to get in touch with Drais, but everyone’s still sleeping so it remains a mystery.  Dogs are dumb, babies are dumber, and baby dogs are dumberer than all.  Not this dog yo, he be riding it til the wheels fall off.  So naturally that video led to Tully, drunk off his ass of course, verse a dog in a race to the death.  Sounds cool, but not sure about the legality’s of that.  If we were in Thailand though, game fucking on! Sounds like Ellis wants to take the show there for a few weeks, and maybe get a group salad tossing with Josh to bond as brothers.  Tully did point out the 3-7 AM time frame, but again, game fucking on!  Its not likely to happen though, as they can’t even get out to Ellis, Kansas let alone friggin Thailand.  One Day!

 

Rawdog just misses his McGriddles…

Mike Dolce joined the show to talk diet and health n shit, and if you listen to the show for health and to get good advice about it, you want to go back and check this out.  Mike’s a trainer for a shit ton of UFC fighters like Vitor Belfort, Johnny Hendricks, Quinton Rampage Jackson and many others.  He helps them cut weight, but not by starvation, rather a good diet and discipline, fucking sucks I know.  Dude knows his shit, which is as basic as eating earth grown stuff every 2 to 4 hours while awake, and til your satisfied not full.  Sure you gotta change up your lifestyle, but you don’t have to be nuts about it.  Mike on the other hand carries a book bag with a day of food and supplies n shit, such as almond butter, oat bran, and hemp hearts (What the fuck is a hemp heart?).  He’s written a few books on it, which Ellis and Rawdog each plan to try out.  For Josh, he will be checking out Living Lean, while Ellis is more of a 3 Weeks to Shredded guy.  Of course Rawdog is the Darth Vader of nutrition so we shall see how he does.  Other cool shit we learned, just cause its 100% natural don’t mean shit, bleach can be 100% natural and ain’t good for you.  Alcohol is a poison anyway you slice it, but weed is mellow as long as ingested not inhaled, since its better than any prescription drug you can get.  Also you need 9 hours of sleep a night, and avoid Crossfit all together as its gayer than you are my homo friend.

 

                 Oh yeah, DING!

 

Dana White, the man the myth the legend, called the show to shoot some UFC breeze with the wing.   I wonder if Dana owns a $450 Starbuck’s metal card?  Not sure, but I can guarantee you he own’s quite a few assistants, all of which are hotter than Ellis’s new assistant Ryan.  Ryan’s a happy dude who loves the Dead Kennedy’s and is from Vancouver.  Back to Dana White, so he’s “friggin’ awesome” and he loves Ellis, thinks the wing is the coolest.  So anyways, which fight is Ellis most pumped to see asked Dana, how about the Cain Velasquez/Junior dos Santos fight which ain’t even this weekend.  FUCK, stupid brain say dumb things go DUH!  Rawdog fed him a few of the fights on this weekends free UFC on FOX5, and Ellis is siked to see both the Benson Henderson/Nate Diaz and the BJ Penn/Rory MacDonald fights, calling Benson Henderson a ‘freak horse human’ so check it out.  Ellis also was a bit pissed at the final on this season’s Ultimate Fighter, but its Team Carwin no matter what happened for him.  Ellis added he was going to go check the videos from the weigh-ins, which Dana reminded him haven’t even happened yet.  Moral of the story kids, if you like to hear Dana White, go back and check this out as you may never hear him again on TJES after today!  In other meaningless news, Snakes on a Plane ain’t just a shitty movie anymore.  This other dude blamed a cat for the murder of a lawyer.  Last but not least, Rory MacDonald dresses like a French Canadian fag, and Tully’s wife is madly in love with Manny Pacquiao.

 

Well no fucking wonder….

Not much today in the way of Hollywood News, just the grammy’s.  Rawdog played a bunch of gay award-winning gay music to show Ellis what was hot this past year.  Maybe Death! Death! Die! can be in next year’s Grammy nominations, I mean shoebox knows a guy.  Just record a clean version of Big Funky Mega Boat and its on like Donkey Kong.  If I may be serious for a second, #fucktully for reminding us about Ghost Dad, i mean really dude.  But not for beating Linsanity with pillows and thundersticks, thats just fucking cool and necessary. Cats kill babies, its all true, and all over the internet.  They literally will “take the breath” of your infant, so watch out.  Stars too will literally take the Ellis show, and just fuck it up to beyond recognition, or so thinks Ellis. He’s fucking done with those assholes, they don’t care and can’t get it right.  His original intention for even being on that shit station was to fucking put it to Covino n Rich.  But those dudes turned out to be cool and care about radio n shit, and with all the fuck ups over the years, its just time to move on.  Will kill joyed any Faction replay ideas since too many people like punk and need a channel for it.  Whatever happens, we will always have our little noon to four on the west coast to look forward too, and Sirius on demand if we miss it, except in Canada I hear.  And your mom always has her Skechers and Crossfit training to look forward too as well, oh and like 13lbs. of shit and load we’ve been saving up for her, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/14/2012

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Detroit’s Finest Baby!

Whatever, its Wednesday, fuck off, suck a dick, a dead horse dick to be exact! I’m sure Rawdog’s having nightmares about that.  Remember when Ellis had that dream about a yellow bracelet that he coveted to this day, yeah he fucking got it.  Tully had a dream too, some crazy shit about doing the show in some resort area, with Reggie Jackson joining Ellis n Rawdog.  Just before they went on the air, Rawdog just started vomiting, and Tully noticed it was dark outside making him think a Big Fucking Mega Storm was coming.  Fucking weird dude!  What else is weird, Gavin Rossdale is a huge fan of The Jason Ellis Show, says Ellis’s doctor.  If your not sure who that dude is, he’s the lead singer of Bush he’s married to Gwen Stefani.  Radiohead is NOT grunge!  Tully and Ellis took the liberty of schooling Rawdog on what is and isn’t “grunge”.  Ellis was there to witness it firsthand and Rawdog wasn’t, so shut the fuck up.  And just when you think Tully loves us as people, we find out he’s no longer donating blood to save our lives despite numerous calls from the Red Cross, so basically #fucktully!  Kid Rock does really loves us all, and Mitt Romney, and hunting with Ted Nugent, talking shit on Howard Stern….I’m kinda not so sure feeling his love anymore.  He also made his own beer company ‘Bad Ass Beer’, cause all the brewers in his town sold out to foreigners, helluva guy.  Rawdog is a hell of a guy when he hasn’t had any nuggets to eat.  Bush baby didn’t get to grab any before the show, so his tumbly was a bit rumbly, which posed the genius question, what would Rawdog do for some nuggets?  We’ll get back to that later, for now lets focus on the facts.  Fast food eaten consistently will lead to blockages in your arteries, has been linked to dementia, and Rawdog hates Dr. Drew!

 

Fuck this honey,   I need NUGGETS!!!!!

Bean ain’t such a bad guy, as he has recently donated a kidney to a co-worker, but Ellis still wants to kick his ass.  Speaking of kicking ass, the former owner of McAfee virus software has gone apeshit.  From bathsalt consumption methodology perfection, to killing his neighbor and evading cops for almost a day buried in some sand, its a must read!  Anyways, back to Rawdog and his love of nuggets.  Welcome to the ‘Eat Like A Dog Nugget Challenge’ where two contestants get to walk on all fours, in pursuit of nuggets they must grab using only their mouths, and dip into a sauce and then devour.  Todays challengers were Cumtard and of course Rawdog.  Somehow Rawdog got an advantage as he only had 4 nuggets to Cumtard’s 6 but what the fuck ever.  The game was over as quickly as a boys first time, with Rawdog winning, but only by the advantage he was giving.  So this wasn’t a smash hit, we did find out @KevinCraftSucks hates onions like you and I hate old people, yeah!  So get ready for next week, where the contestants will have to drink an onion flavored smoothie while potentially vomiting across the studio, Red Dragons!

 

Here’s a fat chic for you Doug Benson

The Vatican has intensified their hatred of gays and is willing to fight against gays all over the world.  Meanwhile, if your of German descent, you are a killer by blood.  This also applies if your say Italian, Russian, Japanese, Chinese, fuck man anything but Canadian really. Oh and be sure to follow @future41 on Instagram as he will now be tweeting naked pics with hashtags written on these bitches nice ladies.  Now that all the serious shit is out of the way, lets get to our returning guest, super stoner Doug Benson.  He just came to shoot the shit really.  Talked to Rawdog about his fast food denial, and they taked about masturbating and weightlifting (notice there is no comma separating the two), oh and of course movies since Doug has his own podcast about them.  We heard some audio Cumtard had from one of Doug’s shows, and I quote “Will Pendarvis is a shit head”!  Then we played another fun game, ‘Hollyweed Squares’.  Doug and Rawdog were on a team verse Jason and Tully, and they had to guess whether the thing in question is a cartoon, or a strain of weed.  Doug and the Dog whooped up on Ellis n Tully, and Doug knew a few of the strains of weed mentioned first hand, what a guy.  Unfortunately he can’t make it to see The Reckoning in person, but like me will be checking it out on Ellismania.com I’m sure.

 

Alf was too stoned to even answer the next question.

 

Hollywood News mutherfuckers!  Bieber got another ticket pushing some sick Ferrari around West Hollywood.  The Biebs also allegedly proposed to Selena Gomez, which she replied ‘Fuck Off’.  Then Hollywood News got real for a second……real gay.  Speaking of real gay, Joe Simpson is at it again, well his wife is since she’s changing her new book up to be more of a ‘tell all’.  Some gay dude is People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2012.  Remember that song 19 years ago by Carmen Electra?  Yeah well her new shit is just as unforgetful so enjoy!  In That Totally Fucking Sucks News, Shane Carwin blew out his knee just a month before is next fight – I personally hope you get better soon dude!  Final Calls was just about the usual shit, hot chics with tattoos, In This Moment doesn’t really exist, and if Linsanity says “vista” Tully will nut punch him off his feet.  Oh, that and where would you spend your Holidays giving the choice?  Maybe in the snow like Tully and Ellis, or in Mexico with Rawdog, and don’t forget about America’s Ice Box up north ‘ey.  For me though, nothing beats roasting my nuts over your moms open mouth, begging for me to cum down her chimney, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 7/12/2012

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Since nobody is listening to the Ellis show then nobody is reading this. Now I finally feel free to let loose my deepest darkest secret, I once rode a Moped. Wow what a relief, I am finally free. Thanks to modern and future modern medicine we might start living until we’re about 100 years old! That’s a long fucking time, I’d rather live to 80 and never know the joys of shitting into a plastic bag. Ellis got the call that the A6K is fixed, again, and Katie is going to drive it back to LA from Vegas. Some people have been bitching about Ellis selling things like the Wolfknives, Ellismania.com, Ellismania, and other stuff. I agree, what a bunch of bull, what gives someone the right to make money where money is to be made. This is ridiculous and Unamerican. Fuck off you pompous pricks who bitch about this, next time go to your favorite sports team and bitch about the stuff they’re trying to sell you. There was a MMA fight and they talked about it, someone one. That’s all I remember. More MMA news though, Shane Carwin and Roy “Big Country” Nelson will be the coaches of next seasons The Ultimate Fighter.

EllisFam in Vegas, there will be Monsoons and for those that aren’t Desert Rats, this means rain and lightning, but you’ll be drunk and won’t give a fuck. Somebody wrote something about Swamp People being a bad show, that guy can fuck off also. Don’t bitch about something until you fully know the reasons behind it, not to mention that is a great way to look into the lives of people with a very different culture. The Wolfknifes are NOT a motorcycle club so no worries about other clubs gettin’ all up in our turf, we can just get back on our scooters and ride away.

Hey guys, Propecia will fuck up your junk, just get a hat. Tully is 35 today, so happy birthday you sarcastic fuck. Ellis brought in a giant dick cake that Tully couldn’t resist deep throating, up to the balls I heard! Rawdog bought him that book about some Burping kid who died and saw his salamander sister in heaven and then came back to life. Also for his birthday he brought us yet another new episode of Women, Am I Right? and again, I am memorized at all the crazy shit women do. Please ladies, just stop, its for your own good. One of the stories was about a middle aged lady, naked and spread eagle, passed out in her front yard. This reminds me of the time yer mum passed out naked in my yard, the grass still won’t grow in the spot where her crusty jizz catcher was, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 6/19/2012

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Look how adorable Shaq is!

Guess what’s happening today? Ellis is fucking your mom’s face, he’s fucking your face, he’s fucking my face, he’s fucking everyone’s faces off – like a Clydesdale. Speaking of horses, Ellis wants a bald dog, he doesn’t think Andre the Giant is adorable, and he says anything over 6′ 6″ isn’t adorable. This is where I disagree and show you a picture of Shaq on horse, that is adorable – in an inhumane sort of way. Some homeless guy knocked on the window of THC’s Porsche, asking for money, and he almost got that last tooth in his head knocked the fuck out when he was trying to play tough homeless junky guy. That’s not a good way to ask for charity, getting your dirty bum hands on a dude’s Porsche and telling him to fuck off. But enough of impoverished people talk because it’s a real downer, it’s Rude Judesday. He gave a pair of undies to Ellis, which makes for an odd gift, but hey – we’re talking about Jude here. Last Friday, Jude took himself an ecstasy type pill and went to get a rub and tug by a tiny Asian with braces, then when next door to eat tacos – thereby creating the best two hours of his life.

I wanna be the Wolf Knives too!

Breaking news, Grant “No longer duckin'” Cobb is back in the musical chair fight, but by backing out originally, he gave up his belt and @Butterballs_EM6 is still the interim musical chair fight champion. There is also talk of a possible appearance by MMA Barney The Dinosaur (@ShaneCarwin) at Ellismania 8! But you know that shit ain’t gonna happen, Carwin’s a working man and is probably too busy. We got to hear Ellis busting out his acting chops in the major, made for TV movie “Zolar“, as well as some behind the scenes extras from the DVD. Shout out to @CobraTits for providing audio and video for all your curious Zolar viewing / listening pleasures. More peeps were called up into the Wolf Knives gang ranks, it’s getting pretty big like your mom’s ass, so if you’re getting in on that shit, you should probably get on it like your mom does on the homeless cock. Whoa! Two mom jokes in a sentence? Is that a record? Probably not. Oh well.

These girls were pretty funny.

Rawdog thinks there are female comedians that are just as funny as the top male comedians. Clearly that’s bullshit because chicks can’t make jokes while they’re bleeding from their stink box. Honestly, comedy has historically been dominated by males, but I think that’s changing about as much and/or as fast as it can. Yes, there are funny females in comedy, but I’m not sure that’s really even so much of a goal of females as it is for males. There are tons of different theories on why there aren’t more women in comedy. I don’t know. Maybe in the future it will be dominated by women. HAHAHAAA Fuck. I’m sorry, I can’t even keep a straight face saying that. How can I laugh at you while I’m trying to picture what you look like naked? It’s just not that easy, as opposed to your mom. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 5/22/2012

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Swagg, bitches!

Ellis has bush, yup, we’re talking about below the belt – yet he is still the most hairless man, in the studio at least. He also finger blasted a chick in THC’s Porsche and has pissed in a chicks mouth (Katie? She seems nuts enough). There was a weird hissing or air blowing sound that was heard at the beginning of the show, it reminded me of the movie Commando when Arnold Schwarzenegger threw a pipe into a dudes chest and said “Let off some steam Bennett”. Good and/or bad news on the A6K, the West Coast Customs crew said whoever worked on it before, really fucked it up bad. Ellis figured out how to do a mellow version of what the infamous coked out, rubber bands around his shaft guy penetrating himself did. Chris Brown is stepping into the fun zone, I don’t really know what that means – it was just a quote from one of his songs. Let’s just pretend that didn’t just happen, okay?

Pft! I got swagga, bitch!

Shane Carwin (@ShaneCarwin) stopped by the show today with his biggest hands in the UFC, who Ellis has been terrorizing on Twitter like a mofo lately. Enter Carwin to have a tug-of-war with the entire band versus himself, so in case ya’ don’t know, now ya’ know, n-bomb. Turns out that the entire band of Death! Death! Die! is stronger than Carwin as they won the tug-of-war contest, but Ellis got drug around the parking lot when it was one on one time. It’s New Music Tuesday again… Whose pumped up about that? One of you? Anyone? Bueller… Bueller… Bueller. Well Slash had some new tracks out today, and I know I’m probably on my own here, but that dude Myles Kennedy? Yea, I don’t get what the big deal is, I don’t hear “spectacular” when I hear him sing. Oh well. Garbage had some new shit out today, remember them? At any rate, again, New Music Tuesday wasn’t nearly as bad as it used to be – so props to Jessica!

Blaaarrggghhhh!

Finally, there were a few semi-funny callers into the show today, including someone who claimed to be “Christopher”, a friend of Rawdog’s roommate. He said he had a great time a few weekends ago and was hoping they could pick up where they left off – with Rawdog passed out and his cock in “Christopher’s” mouth. Obviously this was fake, but kudos for at least a somewhat entertaining call. I guess overall, the callers today were a little better than they have been for awhile. I mean, except for the few callers that could fit more than 2 dicks in their mouth at the same time. Actually, there was one caller, Michelle, who brought the show to a screeching fucking halt by being a dumb cunt, so Ellis ended the show 10 minutes early. And finally, your mom went to the doctors again, this time she was complaining of stomach cramps. She got sent off for some tests and came back to hear the results. The doctor said to her, “Well, I hope you’re ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!” To which your thrilled mother replied, “Wow, you mean I’m pregnant?” The doctor said, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.” OH!