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Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/4/2014

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nah-no-no

Dingo feels like he was being cocky within himself?

It’s Monday and it’s showtime! Let’s see where the show takes us today. Ellis started off a little weird, fuck DMX and fuck everybody. He doesn’t make sense but he doesn’t have to because he shouldn’t even be there. He hasn’t eaten yet, not because he doesn’t want to, because he can’t. So sounds like he’s still pretty stressed about the contract. He’ll be getting waxed today on-air, for the fans and to get rid of his shaft hair. Dingo doesn’t seem to know that most men have a little bit of hair on the base of the shaft. Tully checked his shit, yup, little bit of shaft hair during flaccid mode. Dingo checked his shit, yup, little bit of shaft hair during flaccid mode. Should Ellis get his wanger hard while he get’s it waxed? You know, to make sure there’s no strays left behind. Dingo has drifted off again already, he’s not even sure who is talking. He was asked if he’d like to do a little bit of pee-pee waxing and he instantly thought he was being invited to hold Jason’s erect pecker. Pound for pound, ladies and gentlemen. Ellis decided to stop taking his blood thinners, his jaw hurts, he can’t seem to wake up, he has no energy, and he’s over it. Being that I’ve been going through 3 solid weeks of stress like a motherfucker myself, I can relate – sorry CrackerStacker6 :) World’s Greatest Monday, what should Ellis do for a normal job where it’s not so stressful? Nevermind, that didn’t happen. Sprite is known as lemonade in Australia. A fanny is known as a vagina in Australia. It’s like Australia is upside down and/or backward and dropping “cunt” like it’s equivalent to “Hello.” Dingo’s weekend was good, he blew it with a major actress without even realizing it though. It wasn’t Carmen Electra or Meryl Streep, it was Adelaide Clemens. He’s not really into Aussie chicks, he prefers American females, so whateves. He also made it to the US Open of Surf, there was no surf, but there were two little dark kids that were into a white chicks there – so that’s cool I guess. Lots of Christian Hosoi talk since Dingo brought him up and Ellis retold some stories from yesteryear. Tully’s weekend was all solo with his kid, then went to get bagels, went to soccer practice, played with his friend, walked under a rock, painted stuff, got a hotdog, wouldn’t drink a milkshake, snuck into a car museum, saw a sculpture of an elephant, didn’t take a nap, went to the zoo, visited his great uncle in the hospital, got a haircut, saw a protest, ate dinner, went home, went to bed, and started over the very next day. Holy. Shit. I got tired just typing that laundry list of shit.

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Cock & ball waxing? There will be blood!

MMA News, UFC 178 featuring Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier – I guess they scuffled and fell off the stage at the weigh-ins. And with that, it’s hot wax to the entire pubic area time. Ellis shaves all his holes, butthole, nose holes, ear holes, all of ’em. But this ain’t no shave, this is downtown Chinatown wax on, wax off style. Jen, the sick fuck professional waxer says there’s a good chance there’s going to be some skin coming off the balls so he’ll probably be out of commission for a few days. On the plus side, if he keeps waxing the hair will get thinner and thinner and eventually go away. Dingo says some porn stars tattoo their brown hole pink. Nobody’s believing that shit, bleach yes, tattooing pink on brown, nah mate. First up, inner thigh and it wasn’t pleasant, Dingo offered to let Ellis squeeze his hand if needed and sick fuck pro waxer warns that this is the easy part. She’s fast too, she’s already 4 strips deep and Ellis hasn’t even read a single Smith kid tweet. We’re about 40% done on the wax job and we’ve got 3 or 4 Smith kid tweets so far, which is actually making the screams of pain much more funny. Now she’s at the intersection of ball & dick, it sounded painful and she’s heading downtown. Side ball sounded like it was really, really bad and she’s asking if he really wants to do the balls because it’s gonna hurt like hell. Full on downtown in asshole, taint, under ball area and it’s already hurting before she’s ripped anything off. Still no blood yet, but we’re not done either because the balls are apparently deceptively hairy. She’s still on the sack, so I guess she was right – they take a long time and there’s a lot of hair. We’re well out of Smith kids tweets, but that’s okay, we’ve got Andrew Dice Clay jokes to be told! And then, there was none, wax-o-matic is done. And there was no blood.

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Skin Diamond is unimpressed.

Skin Diamond, porn star guest that’s been on the show several times, rejects a US Olympian. It’s history time with Dingo & Ellis. Anne Frank was stolen by the Jews and put on parade where she wrote a book called “The Awesome Part” and she had a house, let the Jews stay there and fed them bread. Germans asked her “where’s the Jews?” and she was like “what Jews, man?” and then she died and later on they found her book. In 1892, Lizzie Borden invented tampons, the bra, and women’s rights. But in all actuality, she spawn a pyscho school nursery rhyme after allegedly murdering her father and stepmother with a god damned axe. Dingo solved the mystery when he uncovered the the real mom did the killings and framed her daughter for that shit. Jessie Owens wore a black glove, he wasn’t the guy, but he did. He beat Hitler’s best runner so bad that he waited at the finish line just to smack in the face and told him “tits or get the fuck out.” There was a historical sodomy arrest in 1982 between two gay dudes. A cop was looking in the window jerking off and then felt gay after he finished so he got all weird and arrested them and had a straight couple join in the complaint and both dudes ended up going to jail. Jimmy Hoffa, he disappeared, but he was a football coach for the Chicago Bears. He later became a police officer but was also in the mob as well as the President’s secret boyfriend. He abused his powers and the President’s dick and got caught selling illegal alcohol, but after he won accolades for coaching The Bears to several winning seasons. Bruce Jenner was a running racer guy who won a medal as the first transgender Olympian and they put him on a Wheaties box and so became an American hero, but not like GI Joe. In 1976 was griped in fear by The Night Prowler, who AC/DC later commemorated in song. He shot people in the face and a dog talked to him and told him to keep killing motherfuckers and sneak into girls places and steal their underwear, thereby earning his second nickname, The Panty Snatcher. In 1981, Prince Charles married Lady Diana and Elton John immediately started writing songs about her death, which eventually came to fruition because she was banging some Greek dude and so the Queen had her killed by a bum rush of people with bad teeth. In 1868, dirt was huge and the 4th amendment was adopted, allowing everyone to drink Coke except all the Chinamen slaves. Jacqueline Bouvier invented sunglasses and banged out a President and then invented a shark suit. Bob Hope stole the dreams of children and used those stolen dreams to build himself an empire of comedy – because he was sick, twisted, horrible man. Ed Gein ate the fuck outta people, he was the inspiration for The Might Ducks, Silence of The Lambs, and Good Burger. Rock Hudson invented the sequins cape, trained tigers, and drank loads of cum from young men.

Letter time. This Chris Truedaue (sp?) dude drew a wolf and sent it to the show to be donated to Everlasts systic fibrosis foundation thing. He also fought in EM9 as “the chef” and got lit up, but the real story here is he made a kick ass drawing and is donating it for a good cause. We heard a new button or two today, that lasted all of 10 seconds. And then some new Wolfknives members got their names. That lead us into final calls and a recap of the show with Dingo. Ellis was grumpy at the start of the show, they talked about their weekends, Ellis got waxed, history lessons, and then some other shit. Word on the street is that Wednesday could potentially be the last show, no show on Thursday, if they don’t make any progress with the contract negotiations. However, Ellis has been operating on essentially day-to-day mini-contracts. So, it’s very likely that there will be a show on Thursday because they’ll continue using these day-to-day mini contracts to ensure everyone keeps getting paid and is on-air. Eventually, a more permanent contract will be in place and there will be some changes, just no where near as many changes that were allegedly verbally agreed to. The show will still grow and be bumped up, just not as much as everyone had hoped and were led to believe. Don’t forget to send your top 5 picks in the NYA t-shirt contest to @AZ_RedDragon and don’t forget to fondle your tits and balls.

pew

Check ya later!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/28/2014

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The past two weeks have been pure, farm fresh, grade A, shit for me. And today isn’t any better. It’s taken it’s toll on me, I’m exhausted, I’m busy as shit, and I’m pretty sure I’m working towards a stroke. That being said, I’ll do my best with the recap but I make no promises on its quality. Your balls hitting your ass? Does it mean you’re getting older or does it mean you’re balls are getting bigger? Is Jetta the whitest man in the world? Why does Dingo have a new car? Is Cumtard really that cumtarded? Does Ben Stiller have an eating disorder? Just answer “Yes” to all those and you’ll pass the quiz. Dennis Rodman showed Dingo and his pals the giant penis tattoo he has on his back. Remember when Rodman banged Madonna? I don’t know how a super STD wasn’t born from those sessions. There’s moto beef between Dungey and Roczen, or Roczen’s mechanic, or maybe it wasn’t beef, maybe it was chicken. Outdoor motocross versus indoor motocross. There’s a line drawn in the dirt and you gotta choose your side! Just kidding, nobody really cares as long as they can hear the “braaaaps”. So Ellis’ Palm Springs adventure this weekend was cool, but he felt like he got fucked over on his room, no bathtub – only a shower. No movies, just a bed and a couch. Dingo did some interviews at Street League over the weekend, so far it sounds like he did better than last time. Dingo was also at the Young Hollywood Awards this weekend with Kelly Osbourne. It’s airing on Oxygen or some shit tonight. Dingo went and bought himself a white BMW 640i, the one that kinda looks like a Chrysler. Dingo schooled us on who Charles Manson was, then Tully & Will chimed in with more details to really round out the whole Manson family information segment. Do you like the Vamps? You might be a goat if you do. The government wants you to be into the Vamps. This all led into discussions on how big is metal? Are genres of music more fragmented now than ever before? Did you know Ellis got kicked out of school once? Did you know he went back to his school later when he was older and filmed it? Well you do now.

what-language-is-that

When Ellis & Dingo really get going.

MMA News with Kenda Perez time, she doesn’t have any ugly friends. That’s mainly because Hotdog the intern is still rocking his new genius haircut. Kenda’s a drug and reggae addict lately, Dingo thinks the new drug is moon rocks – a crystallized version of molly. Kenda’s phone sucks, it keeps cutting out so her segment got cut short. Anthony Johnson has fucked up eyes that go red when he gets emotional, and it’s not pink-eye from rubbing poo in his eyes. He planted upper cuts on Nogueira until Lil Nog slumped to the canvas with blood streaming from his… noggin. Clay Guida got his perm straightened by Dennis Bermudez. Dana White could be the next President of the United States, giving way to the “Dana White House” (Tullyism) and Rob Dyrdek could be the Vice President. Some Jennifer chick and her co-workers were listening to the Etsy game on a replay of the show and decided to make an Etsy game themselves and shared it with the show. Aretha Franklin got snubbed at Johnny Rockets, some waitress yelled at her when she sat an empty table after ordering takeout. Dingo is suspect, he likes Canadian bacon over actual bacon or turkey bacon. You sir, will need to work to earn our trust again after that statement. And now, a short public service announcement.

f-you

Fuck your Canadian bacon.

Dingo swears you can drive a Lamborghini golf cart on the streets in California as long as it’s licensed and all that legal mumbo jumbo. On a side note, Canadian bacon, so you might not want to just go trusting this man. Katie got called a retarded cunt when she was trying to park her car or something. Ellis wasn’t there so the dude got away with it. Tully called the police today after dropping his kid off at preschool. He saw a Washington state drivers license in the gutter with the face and most of the identifying information burnt off. He called LAPD and they basically gave him the “big fucking deal, buddy” so he called the Seattle PD and I don’t know what the shit they did, but probably nothing. Anyway, back to the Etsy game, which I didn’t take any notes on because I was driving in shit-ass-ass-shit stop-and-go traffic and am unwilling to get into a wreck writing down Etsy game notes. Deal with it. All I can remember is something about soap that smells like monkey farts and Danzig as a narwhal. Tully’s cooking chicken feet for soup and I gotta guess it’s some sort of Japanese dish because who the fuck else would eat chicken feet? You’d think by now people would know that just because you can boil something and pretend it’s food, doesn’t mean you should or that it is food. Some dude in Alabama went to get his foreskin removed and instead the doctor removed his cock. Suddenly, my shitty past weeks are looking a whole lot better. Chris Cole called into the show, he was at Street League this weekend too. Once Chris hung up, we got to hear Dingo’s interviews from the Street League event. This time he had someone there with him to work the equipment so it didn’t sound like total shit. He knows his interviewing skills need work, but he did much better his 2nd time around. He wasn’t afraid to ask the hard hitting questions like “who has the biggest cock here?” – kudos to you Dings! Dyrdek allegedly told Dingo that he’s paid to win a contest before, but that was cut from the audio by the engineer – making that hearsay and inadmissible in court. Overall, Dingo did a lot better this time around and hopefully he keeps doing these at some of the events he goes to.

Back to MMA for a minute. Wilson made his UFC bet and now he’s getting his chance to collect on that bet. He’s going to get his Make-A-Wish dream come true by sitting in a vat of beans! He’s got his kiddie pool, he’s got his floaties on, and donning his favorite shower cap – now it’s time for the miracle! As HateBean came to life, he was drenched in beans. In his mouth. Over his head, down the front & back of his shirt. In his ass crack. BEANS EVERYWHERE! After singing a few bathing songs, it was time for him to get out of his bean bath so Jetta, Cumtard, & Hotdog could get their chance at earning a whopping $100 dollars by having a contest. Each would fill their cup to the brim with bean bath, whoever could finish their brimming bean cup of crunk bean first would be declared the winner. The whitest guy in the world, Jetta, was out of contention almost immediately as he began vomiting beans right back into the bean pool. This left Cumtard & Hotdog to battle it out. Hotdog was holding back his gag relfex while Cumtard was busy enjoying his cup of beans like it was some sort of delicacy prepared by a wizard. Because he seemed totally un-phased and enjoying his delicious dish, it really seemed like Cumtard was going to be winner here, but then a surprise between Hotdog’s vurps. In a scene I can only imagine was straight from a Porky’s movies, Hotdog had nearly completed his cup of bean protein. Cumtard admitted his defeat and Hotdog went on to finish his cup-o-beans, making him the Lean, Mean, Dean of Bean! Which is a much higher honor than your mom ever received, the Queen of Cum Glazed Maids of AIDs. OH!

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HateBean in his element.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/22/14

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YA MISS ME FUCKERS?!??!!?! CAUSE I DIDN’T SEE ANY MENTION THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY LAST WEDNESDAY!!! OR THAT I SUCCESSFULLY LANDED AN OLLIE BEFORE I TURNED THIRTY CAUSE I’M A FUCKING AGING NEVER-WAS SKATEBOARDER!!! DID YOU FORGET I WORKED HERE TOO??!?!?! TAKE MY DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!

 

Just kidding folks, you can keep talking with the dick in your mouth. I think it’s adorable.

 

Anyways, hello and thanks for visiting, I was off last week to spend some time with my family as a birthday present from my fantastic girlfriend who insisted I go on a fun trip before I come to Canada to spray my DNA all over her for the rest of time. I did a lot of walking around in Seattle and bought a fuckload of comics, and saw the new Planet of The Apes movie, which fully reinforces Jason Ellis’ belief that monkeys will one day conquer us, and if we treat them with a bit of dignity, they may not enslave us like that one time when Charlton Heston went to the future and found out that Soylent Green is made of humans. But enough about me, cause I’m here to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a whole lot of music cause I guess there was some fire that needed to be put out or that pesky sentient flying scrap of paper from the other day was back and required gawking or some such shit, but then the guys came on and started talking about how Jason was late cause he was coming from the Fighter and the Kid podcast with Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub, and that was a fun start to the day. What wasn’t a fun start to the day was driving in early morning LA traffic and having to deal with Los Angeleans who think they’re more important than everyone else and are allowed by the State Of California to legally operate multiple tonnage of mechanical equipment in public. A FedEx truck side swiped the Wing and spun out his truck and kept on rolling cause FedEx is a shitty organization and I’ve gotten more shipments late, damaged or missing from them than any other company, so it would make sense that their truckers are also incompetent and have no common courtesy like stopping when you might have killed somebody. The truck is pretty fucked too, whole bed side, the way Ellis tells it. There’s lots of construction going on too, so that’s slowing down traffic and reducing motorist IQ points at a staggering rate, so you can’t hold Jason completely responsible for being a few minutes behind. On the plus side though, Los Angeles is so fucked up pavement-wise that the world of Mad Max may come true in Southern California very soon! Rude Jude stopped in to hang out for a bit and rehash his experience kneeing the punch pad and sucking at it. There was some talk of how Frank DeCaro may be a middle aged gay Italian, but the Romans were conquering all kinds of shit with folks like him leading the way generation after generation, just look at Catholicism!!! The boys did a bit of jaw-jacking about the trucker incident this morning and how the guy was probably so desperate to keep his job that he was hoping nobody got the license plate so he wouldn’t get reported. This got us into the topic of snitching cause sometimes it’s the right thing to do, but you can be a dick like Tully was in elementary school and snitched on a kid for eating Doritos in the bathroom. Ellis fired off some ideas at Jude about what to do with his now fucked up Dodge Ram, and most of them were just ghetto enough for a younger Jude to appreciate, but not so much for the new improved well-groomed designer drug aficionado Jude. One idea that Jude could get behind though, is the sprint-slow-down workout that Ellis suggested to him a little while ago, and it was some rough shit for McDuder, but he pulled it off. Jude has noticed that as he’s getting older it’s getting a bit harder to bust a nut, but he found some herbal cock pills that are doing the trick splendidly. The guys discussed frontier medicine for letting loose a shot of jizz and how when Tully’s old, he’s gonna relish having a load that takes forever so he can laugh maniacally at his wife for being done before he is. There were some stories about extreme/premature ejaculation and how grown up ladies in Australia have no qualms about banging high school boys and feeding them and letting six unchecked loads in a row from the same penis land in their ovaries. One time, Jason banged a lady and she started crying after the fact, but being the guy he was back then, he just left. Jude on the other hand, loves it when a girl starts crying and will fuck them again, or for the first time, depending on the situation. This led to talk about “what the fuck is it with you emotional bitches always crying about shit, it’s only some dick!” and there were a few phone calls and tweets from ladies who have taken part in this kind of stuff. Jude once made a girl start crying when they tried out some rough play but forgot to pick a safe word. One guy called in to tell the guys that every time his wife cums, she cries, and after a whole bunch of years, it’s not such a bad thing because he knows he got the job done. Another guy called in to say that he doesn’t know when he’s been taken off hold, but the next guy said his wife actually stops breathing when he fucks her proper, which is as close to fucking someone to death as you can legally get and still call it an achievement. Another guy called in with a crying girlfriend story about how he had her riding his hog and all of a sudden he felt her tears dripping down on his chest. Next caller said she only cries from anal, which is understandable when you do it too rough. You gotta romance that butthole way more than that vagina, boys, just remember that. The guys talked a while about how you’ve really gotta be a friend to the chili ring, or else it just turns back into the shit locker and it’s way less fun for everybody. Another guy said his girl started crying and had to go run for some medicine or something. A GIRL called in to let the guys know that sometimes it’s not cause women are insane, sometimes they just cry because sex can be a beautiful, intimate moment of deep connection between two people, sharing both body and soul in an amazingly pleasurable experience, and then she went on to explain that she’s had years of psychological problems and that pretty much killed her entire argument. Time to get some Lou Reed up ya, and not that Lou-Tallica crap, we’ll be back ya cunt satchels.

 

Have you sent in your crappy demo for unsigned bands yet? If you haven’t yet, you can still fire that off to submittoellis@gmail.com and watch your life’s work get shat on by Cassette Coast!!! There’s still time!!! The guys talked about some of the features of SiriusXM online, like on demand and how many people are listening to it and tweeting shit at them from too long ago for anybody on the show to remember. It’s looking like there’s a lot more people now who can’t catch the whole show so they listen to it when it’s more convenient, like after I get home from work where I’ve been inundated with telemarketers and other people’s problems all day and have had to keep pausing the show, so much so that I’ve got 2 hours of delay built up and I have to finish a recap, so the on demand works really well for me on Tuesday. Or when I’m on vacation and not near my computer and out doing stuff all day, I can on demand it while I’m sleeping on a shitty air mattress at my aunt’s house. But that’s not important, cause it’s AUSSIE NEWS TIME!!! But first, the guys wanted to take some calls from ladies who might be interested in dating Hot Dog the Intern, so that they could have a dating game type thing or just listen to ladies throw their snatch smack in his face and see how he would react to it. One lady called in thinking she would be dating an actual hot dog, not Hot Dog The Intern, and god dammit if she didn’t hang up before the guys could get her on the air for a few minutes of radio idiot shaming gold. But, Aussie News, some lady who got elected to some government office, was getting questioned during an interview and made a clear proclamation that she loves a huge cock and doesn’t shave that pussy. So, back to Hot Dog getting some stank on the hang low, Three ladies called in to play the dating game and Hot Donna almost sounded like she had a voice changer on, but it turns out she was just 50 years old. Hot Dog started off the questions by asking one lady if she would put his big ass up on her shoulders so that he could catch some free picks or drumsticks and she said she’d help, but couldn’t guarantee that her lower back would handle the load of all that Hot Dog, BUT SHE COULD HANDLE HIS LOAD ON HER GRILLE!!! AAOOOHH!!!!! Next, Hot Dog asked Hot Donna how stretchy her vagina is, because he’s hung like a black man in Alabama pre-civil war! And she said she could probably handle it, maybe with a bit of finesse and lubrication, but there shouldn’t be any real major issues. He asked one of the other ladies the same question and she declared that she’s got the elasticity of a teenager, so no matter how girthy the dong, she can slip it in as smooth and comfortable as a fresh pair of socks. Hot Dog’s next question for her was whether or not she’d be OK with a guy who can blow himself, and she said that if nothing else, it’s a show worth telling your friends about so no bad blood between them thus far. Next question was for the first lady, Hot Dog wanted to know her opinion on back hair and she gave a reasonable answer that in small doses it’s acceptable, but Sasquatch is gonna have to wait in the car, unless he wants a naked shaving from her, in which case she’s happy to help. Hot Dog followed this up by asking the same lady how she would take it if he made her eat a turd, then waited for her to shit it out, then vomited it, then shot a load on it, if she would still love him after the experience. Her answer was that she wouldn’t necessarily volunteer for the act, but if you really love someone and want the deepest connection possible, there’s not much closer two people can get then vomit shit cum vomit cum shit vomit shit. Hot Donna was a bit more open minded to the scenario, which warrants wondering how badly she needs companionship, but then again, she’s Hot Donna, and considering Hot Dog’s next question, she’s certainly man enough to strap on a strap-on and peg the bejeezus out of his panda-like rectum. She’d even wear her tool belt and hard hat, cause she is in fact a construction worker. Next question for the other lady, would she be willing to let a friend tag in to finish off Hebrew National if she needed to give the pussy a rest from his Sears Tower sized doom spigot? And just like slut magic, in her own words, “The more the merrier.” Next question, if she was stuck on a desert island with his fleshy Tower Of Babel, what would she do with it? After watching him blow it (of course), she said she would give it a quick rinse in the ocean to clear up some of the throat scum, then attempt to swallow it whole, come hell or asphyxiation from laryngeal blockage. The other lady answered that she would make it a point to DIE of an acute addiction to rubbing her nipples all over his dick, forsaking the need for food, fire or shelter. Hot Donna said she would basically treat it like a purse sized dog that occasionally wants to ejaculate in her mouth, but she lost the game when she stated that there would be no anal. So sorry, Hot Donna, but some chick named Jennifer is gonna be climbing the skyscraper that Hot Dog is swinging around between his thighs. Tully found a video (from BitPimps) of a guy who made a how-to series on anal breathing and massage, and it sounds like the terrorist manifesto of a pedophile fart hammer fundamentalist. Just the way he said asshole and spoke about the tranquility of a baby’s asshole, it would make any decent cop murder the mother fucker on sight, not even for the principle, just cause you can see it in his eyes. And there was some extreme farting as well, which sounded like some of the old sound drops the fans sent in a couple years ago, but with the way this guy was doing his anal breathing, it flowed pretty seamlessly with the show. Then Jason played SunnO))) and we all could tell that there may be some embellishment in the background noise we were hearing over the narrative of breathing through one’s own ass. Then he broke out some beads and we all got to wondering how Google hasn’t taken this down from YouTube, but apparently there was some loosely medical connotation to the whole thing, so I guess it flies. The guys took a few minutes to contemplate suicide or locking their children inside for the rest of their lives to protect them from this monster, and also to set up whatever they were gonna do in the next hour.

 

You might not have known this, but there was a tree planted in memory of George Harrison in Los Angeles. You know, the backup guitarist of the Beatles? Well, in a feat that can only be called the act of a vengeful god, the tree was killed by beetles. Real life honest to Satan beetles. I’m not a religious man, but this just smacks of some kind of cosmic malice to me. I don’t even like the Beatles all that much, but the only way it could be more ironic is if Yoko was the one who introduced them to that tree as a new habitat. That’s not the most horrible thing that’s gonna happen today though, cause if you hadn’t caught it on twitter, it’s Cumtard’s birthday!!! And as punishment for his failed attempt at getting a male stripper for Tully’s birthday, this time the guys set him up with a proper one to come and slap his whang all over the Tard’s cranium and butthole. And that is his cosmic punishment for going to see Motley Crue last night, cause as awesome as a lot of their music was, Vince Neil can’t reproduce the notes that made them stars, and also killed a kid while driving drunk, so he should not be paid any further from live performances. Plus, didn’t the band all sue each other and declare their retirement at the end of last year? After Cumtard was done being sodomized with extreme prejudice, Jason and Tully made sure to properly ridicule Cumtard for his previous attempt at male strippers being brought in to embarrass the birthday boy, and did a quick inventory of what may or may not have gotten damaged during the aggressive display of dick-spinning interpretive dance that was performed in the studio. The guys talked about getting old and how Cumtard better find his Yoko before too much longer, or else he’s gonna turn into that kid from Clerks 2, endlessly talking about Jesus and Lord Of The Rings and Pussy Trolls (Google it, I can’t explain it well enough in this format, it needs to be witnessed). Tard has gone on a few dates but hasn’t been particularly amazed by anyone just yet, so there’s still more stalking to be done to find that one girl you wouldn’t leave alone no matter how many yards the court tells you is the minimum distance allowable from their house or place of business. Jason has recently come to the realization that he doesn’t want the type of friends that want to see his dick, and vice versa, cause there needs to be a point in his relationships where nobody needs to set their dick on anyone’s shoulder at a party. The guys put the question out to the fans asking what they think Jason’s channel should be called, on the far outside chance that SiriusXM gives him his own channel. There were some great suggestions, such as Ellistronics, Valhalla, Wolfknife Radio, The Baby, Master Of Puppies, Narcoleptic Narwhal, Barter Town, EllisFam, The Wolf Pack (which is completely fucked by the Hangover movie franchise), The Pube, Your Mum’s Fishtank, The Farthole, Future41, The Cave, Hail Satan, The Cockodile, The Rocktopus, The Glory Hole, Awesome World, The Wing, The Toe Cutter, Fromunda 41, Outback Maniac, The Tard, Radio Fight Club, Splooge Mountain, Will’s a Racist, 41 Jump Street, Sum 41, Cum 41, Ellis Island, 6 Pounds Of Sound, The Rape Room, Skull Fuck, Butt Town, Red Dragin Radio (which would be a copyright issue, but a respectable effort nonetheless), EllisNation, Los EllisEs, The Schism, Facti-OFF, Black Guys Wear Black, Ellis The Red, Against The Grain, Sausage Party, Massive Poopies, Blitzkrieg 41, The Didjeridoo, The Gas Chamber, Muska Kills, Bogan Brigade, The Cocktagon, The Goat, The Woodsman, The Gape, Horse Force, Welcome To Hellis, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause they were actually trying to take this a little bit seriously cause it is kinda big and permanent-ish, but I assure you, they were hilarious on twitter. Ellis’ contract officially expires tomorrow and he needs to sign the new one, but there may have been a mix-up in the most recent draft he was given and they’re trying to get it sorted out. The guys talked UFC for a bit after reading a quote from Dana White about how an insane Irish fighter reminds him of Ronda Rousey for some reason or another. Tim Silvia is a great friend of the show, and might be getting a shot at moving his way through the ranks of the UFC towards a title shot after fighting Dustin Porier. But that’s all speculation at this point, so let’s all drift away into Awesome World for a bit and regroup.

 

A Chinese art collector spent $39 million on an antique tea cup, cause I guess $20 grand for making potato salad on KickStarter wasn’t enough in the grand scheme of ridiculous spending at the hands of the public, but the real kicker is that this guy used his AmEx to make the purchase and it gained him a net profit of 422 million American Express Rewards points due to the overseas purchase and exchange rates and such, so basically he’s got airfare for life or enough food to balloon up to 7,500 pounds and starve an entire industrialized country to death, all on the rewards system from American Express. Don’t leave home without it!!! The guys played some clips of classic rock singers belting out their signature vocals, and the guys had to guess if they could still hit the notes live. First up was Robert Plant, and the guys unanimously agreed that there’s no way he’s still pumping out his signature high notes, and they were right, as demonstrated by a 2012 performance of Kashmir. After that was Meatloaf and hot patootie, bless my soul, he still has the pipes for rock and roll, despite the guys thinking he probably can’t cause of the testicular cancer and bitch tits thing we learned about in Fight Club. Next up we heard Loretta Lynn joining in with the Loaf, and she’s still got it as well. Next we got a taste of Vince Neil, who we’ve already confirmed can’t do it, but his public ridicule is still entertaining in small doses. After that was Roger Daltry and he can still bang it out, when he’s not high as fuck or phoning it in due to lack of interest. After that was David Lee Roth who refuses to give up the ghost on the tarnished legacy of Van Halen, post Van Hagar years. Then we heard one from the new lead singer of Journey, Stevie Engrish Superfan or whatever the fuck his name is, and if Steve Perry was dead, he’d be rocketing out of his grave towards the sun if he heard this. Next up was the ladies in Heart and despite growing up a bit, their voices have only matured like a fine whiskey, and if you had a bottle of some you could probably still get a dick spinning duet from the Wilson Sisters. After that we heard a selection from Axl Rose, still belting it out like his lungs are gonna fall out his rectum, but he doesn’t have the staying power to keep it going very long. Next we got a sampling of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie’s still got it, but everyone else in the band can fuck right off. Next down the line was Elton John and I guess the cure for every physical problem is gay sex cause as long as you don’t get the HIV you pretty much stay a champion forever. After that was A-Ha doing Take On Me and if this is how it sounded like in 2010, I’d say that jam is never gonna die. Finally, we got a taste of Steven Tyler doing dream on from 2013 and despite having throat surgery in 2007, when I saw them two weeks after, he was still pounding it out like it was 1976 all over again. The guys talked classic rock and rumors about our favorite stars for a bit, then brought the rest of the crew in to belt out some lines from their favorite classics. WILSON came in hot with a decent Meatloaf. Hot Dog dropped a fully terrifying rendition of Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus. Cumtard came in to fire off a bit of Fuel by Metallica, and basically live tarded the tune just with actual words instead of sound effects. Finally we heard Jetta’s best feeble attempt at giving us something from Thrice and since Thrice sucks I really can’t criticize his efforts on this one, but if he was covering any of the other songs it would have counted as a fail. Jason started giving Jetta shit for not being able to recite lyrics for good music the way the rest of the developed world can. Will got back on the microphone to show a true display of his singing abilities which he was holding back on before, and after some vocal pointers from the guys, he was like a younger Meatloaf incarnate, with his testicles still intact, just in the possession of his ex wife. There were some final calls and stuff and god dammit it’s close to show time and lunch time and I’ve been ignoring shit at work and we’re too busy for that this week, so when you’re done reading this go clean your room and cut me some firewood.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Recap for Thursday 7/17/2014

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You’re listening to The Jason Ellis Show, and it’s Thursday, and you’re reading this which means that you probably didn’t listen to the show and it may not even be Thursday anymore!!! So welcome to your regularly scheduled Thursday recap by the most wonderful female from this website!!! The competition tis stiff, but week after week, I manage to be the best titty toting vagina having writer on here. And yeah…I make that joke almost every week that my truck doesn’t explode..but who cares!!! I have a vagina and boobies and they are wonderful!!!

Ellis starts off the show talking about food and wondering if it tastes better now and if that is the reason that there are so many fat people nowadays. Tully is quick to confirm that, yeah, food sure does taste a lot better now than it probably ever use to but it’s probably not the reason that everyone is fat now. Everyone is fat now because we live in a society of excess where all of the work that we do is not very physical and the people who are doing a lot of the physical work don’t have the means to indulge in the excesses like the rest of us. Tully didn’t say that last bit, but you never would have known that if I hadn’t said anything…so…whatever. They then start talking about the store Air One which was Whole Foods before Whole Foods existed and, if you’re like me and have never seen or been in an Air One imagine the place that Whole Foods would be if it were run by your mom and there were no cakes that had any sort of gluten or sugar or eggs in them. Ellis says that he feels like the gluten free market is really stepping up in their game because a lot of the foods and snacks and desserts at Air One are so good it feels like he’s cheating without cheating…and to people like me who have a cheat day once a week, tat sounds fucking amazing.

Then there is some commotion that goes on outside that the guys can hear inside of the studio and they are thrown off for a few minutes because Tully mentions that he saw two trucks from In&Out Burger at the building next door because it is apparently party day next door and that’s must be where the outside noise is coming from. This leads to discussion about the land outside the studio in general where we have all heard that there is a great view of the Hollywood Sign that…bumbumbum…anyone in the studio can’t see because there is a wall in the way and why doesn’t someone put in a motherfucking window? Tully has the answer good and ready because Tully is kind of like the google of the studio whe the listeners aren’t called to action and informs Tully that to put a window into the wall of the building that is already made of glass it would be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Insanity. Ellis could hand that shit with a side grinder. Boom. Done.

Around here is where there is some unfortunate drama regarding Cumtard, that girl that flew to LA to bang him, and whatever happened on and after their date last night. It reminded me of the whole Rawdog thing and it got a little edgy and the for some reason Tully decided to take the blame for it, which Ellis didn’t even acknowledge, but it’s one of those things where Ellis got all bummed and angry over someone trying to tell him what he can and can not say on his show. Cumtard was quick to try and mollify the whole thing and say that it’s not him who cares, it’s the girl, but that didn’t really make anything any better and after a few minutes of back and forth and yelling about the whole thing Tully took the reigns and ended it with, “let’s move on”. Thank goodness for that guy. They move on to some talking about Will quitting smoking and how Will doesn’t know the date and he should really figure out what day it was because it’s a big deal and a day that should be remembered. Both @crackerstacker and myself answered the non call and tweeted the show the date because we are awesome, and yeah, you beat me to the punch, buddy, my boobs got in the way. They talked for a bit about vaping and a package they received from Pied Piper Vape Pens, which they were pumped about and the talk of weed spurned them to talking about other kind of drugs and how they should do a show on crack and a show on ecstacy. Or a podcast if they, for some reason, encounter a problem doing drugs in the studio. They talk about how neither of them have ever had a bad experience on ecstacy and it seems likes a reasonably okay drug to dabble in.

Ellis mentions that his thumb hurts as Tully reminisces of the back in the day when he and Cullen were young and invincible and Cullen had a full head of hair and they were on the band scene because Ellis held hard onto the Ultimate Powerchord while he was writing a song and jamming with Katie in their band that is not yet good enough to have a name. Ellis talks about how their band will never really have the kind of band or talent to make a bunch of really good songs, but he truly believes try have it in them to make one really good song filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and Tully likens it to being able to find the best item of clothing in a thrift shop. But really, we all know that Ellis is going to be saving his very best for the emergence of HorseForce where Tully is looking forward to Ellis writing the center part of a spiderweb of riffs that he and Christian can build on creating a full spiderweb of wonderful HorseForce music filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and they will all go down in history as being a part of the funniest most metal band of all time.

Will gets called back into the studio for some Wolfknives names after he gets off his conference call, not cigarette break, with some dude who’s name I genuinely forget but who runs the My SXM for the phone app and website where you customize your SXM listening experience. The app that I just mentioned is also where you can find The Jason Ellis Channel and never have to feel like you can’t listen to this glorious man talk 24 hours a day. As for the few new members of the Wolfknives….welcome The Toe Cuttah, Pre Cum, The Asian Cajun, Jesus Fucking Christ, Bus Penguin, Michael Felch, and Nobody’s Listenin!!!!

Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news that I mostly listened to but was driving and took no notes!!!! Apparently everyone got knocked out in their fights and there is no disguising ‘I just for kicked right in the liver’ pain and the kicks that these new guys are throwing these days are new kicks and not the kicks of yesteryear. Tully made fun if one I the Brazilian fighters who had his own name tattooed across his back and Ellis confirmed that Brazilians do indeed have the worst tattoos ever. Chris Weidman, the current champ who’s body broke Anderson Silva’s leg wants his next fight to be with Vitor Belfor and Dana White has said that he would like to see that happen. But..how could that happen when Belfor is all on roids and there’s none of that or TRT in UFC anymore?!?! Ellis su she would have to roid his face off for a while and then get off them long enough to pee in a cup and have it come out clean. Ronda Rousey is also in the news saying that she wants to be the female version of the Rock after her fighting career is over because there is no real female action hero out there and Ellis and Tully are both pretty alright about that. Speaking of The Rock, Tully brings up the forthcoming Hercules (which Ellis thinks is going to suck unless you’re under 12) in regards to an article he read about what Dwayne Johnson’s 7 meals a day diet consisted I for filming. Let’s just say that dude was eating filet mignon twice a day, broccoli, asparagus, and egg whites to the extent that he probably killed several makeup artists over the course of filming by the power of his farts alone. Yuck. They then watch a video of the worst choir of all time which features a bunch of really old people singing today’s hits in what I think I supposed to be three part harmony, but they are so bad that I really am not sure, and Tully concludes that these are the type of old people who were never ever cool. When Ellis gets old he plans on playing pool…he will not be singing in a choir.

Back from the second break it’s halftime so be sure to check whatever balls you have for cancer and remember to not be a patron at any restaurant that serves shark fin soup because it can kill both you and the environment and that looks good on no one.

Joining Ellis and Tully in the studio are Mike Catherwood and his lovely wife Bianca who are there for some good old fashioned marriage counseling from Big Daddy J who Dr. Drew has convinced he is also a doctor. This whole idea came about, for those of you who don’t remember, after Mike and Bianca came to the Gokarting race and Ellis sensed that shit was all kinds of amiss. They get started talking about using natural deodorant and toothpaste, which Tully admits he is also currently using, but eventually they get around to talking about their couple problems which really seems to center around Mike and intimacy issues that he developed after things that happened while he was growing up. Ellis diagnoses that Mike needs more authority and power in the relationship and suggests that the way to accomplish this is for Bianca to kiss Foxxy while Mike grabs her penis (at which point Foxxy enters the studio) and Bianca is all ‘ummmmmm…..no’. The whole kissing, knob holding winds up never happening, but they all do get some real talk in there. Apparently the biggest issue that they are working on is Mike’s complete inability to initiate sex with his wife. Like, ever. Again, this goes back to an intimacy issue and fear of rejection, but Bianca told him that she didn’t want to initiate all of the time, especially after she had the baby. Mike also received tips from Ellis, Tully, and Foxxy on how to be more romantic and loving to his wife in the bedroom and how to slow things down since he admits that he only has one pump speed and that is ‘full speed ahead’. Bianca starts telling a little story about how the most sexually romantic Mike has ever been was when he was giving here a perineal massage in preparation if the home birth of their baby and I had an ‘aw’ ready to burst out of my mouth but Mike ruined it by making a joke about gaping cause, well, remember this intimacy issues? Well…cause of that. He also managed to make an analog of his sex life with his wife to a game of pickup basketball in Venice Beach. Sigh.

During that time there was also some talk about what Ellis would be like as like as a 65 year old if he sex drive stays as high as it is now and they all cultivated a truly spectacular image of Ellis ‘The Cockodile’ with a croc tattooed on his dick and Katie being the Cockodile Hunter (the only one who can tame the beast) and the women that wound encounter the predator and the possible ensuing exploits…and all I can keep thinking about that is I would actually pay money to see Katie dressed up in a sexy Croc Hunter outfit giggling her way through doing an Australian accent saying ridiculous things about The Cockodile.

Back from the final break Tully and Ellis want to to talk about sexual fantasies and who out there has some good ones! Ellis, as we all know, is pretty determined to have a tensome, Tully wants to bang Yolandi from Die Antwood because he’s kind of in love with her in a way that makes me go ‘awwwww’, and Foxxy wants to be a part of a gangbang and now, she doesn’t want any other ladies around- she wants it all about her!! Hell yeah Foxxy!!! There are a lot of calls from listeners with everything from ‘I wish my wife would blow me and swallow my load and enjoy it’ to ‘I want to be gang raped by smurfs’ and ‘I want to have sex with a girl or guy in a horse costume because I love My Little Pony’ and ‘I want to be raped by a mermaid’. Ellis sent a tee shirt to a guy who called in and said he wanted his girlfriend’s (imaginary) girlfriend to titty fuck his cock with his girlfriends tits- which is complicated to say, but damn that sure is some next level titty fucking!! I’ve been trying to think of my sexual fantasy…but….it’s not that I don’t have any…but it’s actually all stuff I’ve already done and that me and Hubbs haven’t had the opportunity to do lately. I almost got some rooftop fucking today…but of course everyone seemed to be around the college campus we were at for a good part of the afternoon in the middle of the goddamn summer!!!!! Ugh!!!!!

ps…sorry for the lack of links!!! I’m writing this on my iPhone cause we are still at work and it does not let me put them in on my phone even the button is right fricking there!!!! I decided to do this from my phone because I have no idea what time we’ll actually be getting home tonight and I wanted to get it posted before, you know, the recap for tomorrow was posted. And I wanna have sex when we get home…a lot of it…cause we didn’t get to have sex on a roof today and that’s a goddamn tragedy!!!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/7/2014

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what-just-happened

Dingo when he woke up in the hospital with no memory.

OMG sisters! I’ve missed you soooo much! XOXO’s and stuffs. After the week long break, the show is back and so are the recaps. This must mean contract negotiations are going well for Ellis. Nothing is finalized yet, but it looks very promising and he’s excited and will tell us all as soon as he can. Which works out well for him because he doesn’t want to lose his job. And it works out well for us fans too, because we get to continue listening to our favorite show. Dingo, 28 years young, has some shit to tell us today. He took the week off as many of us did. On about Wednesday, he turned the drinking knob up to 11 and carried that through to the 4th. He knew he had to fly to Vegas on Saturday, so Friday around noon he started getting worried he might miss his flight since he’s been up for 2 days drinking heavily and partying with all his friends, excluding Paris Hilton. Everyone avoided her house even though she sent out a mass text to let everyone know she was having a party at her house. Everyone has already banged her twat out so why bother going, right? Anyway, the 4th, it’s noon, Dingo’s concerned about potentially missing his flight. So he takes a substance to help him stay up, but you’re not supposed to take this substance that puts you into a hole, so to speak, while drinking. He’s at this mega house, a massive party house, a Hollywood royalty house. He starts feeling woozy, goes to the bathroom and throws up and thinks he’s gotten past it. He’s on the couch, he feels hot, he goes outside and feels like he’s going to puke again. He’s given a bucket and blacks out. He wakes up with doctors around him and he’s in the hospital. He’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is and doctors are trying to tell him how he managed to get there. Apparently he was stumbling around the beach throwing up, a stranger see’s him and gets paramedics to take him the emergency room in Malibu. They hook him up to an IV and the doctor says that’s all he can do for him and gets the paramedics to take him to the hospital in Santa Monica. They don’t know his name, he couldn’t be traced back to this mega home or friends. He made it to the airport with a plastic bag containing the board shorts and tank top he was wearing during his blackout, gets to Vegas in time for the fireworks and to introduce Nick Cannon. His new management company took him to the UFC fights and is still feeling pretty shitty so he smartly skips having any drinks in Vegas. Ahhh, the days of being young and doing the kind of drugs you can feel have aged your body by a decade.

overheard

So, he used a tool you say? What could it be? Oh, thanks Dingo!

Not to be outdone, Tully hit up 7-11 and mowed down a shitload of Doritos. He’s wondering how many Doritos he’s willing to admit to having. Has a bunch of food, some beer, and some smokes and almost goes into a Dorito hole. Ellis just stayed by the pool all day with the kids (yes, I’m including the youthful Katie here – HA!) and applying sunscreen to Devin every 20 seconds. Some strange kid wanted him to buy him a toy or some shit, another kid wanted to keep trying to pour water over his head and he’s wondering where the fuck the parents are. Then he see’s a kid go over to the edge of the pool, squat down, and release a bunch of little turd logs into the pool. Mr. and Mrs. Tully also saw a little kid face plant in from them and end up having to parade the kid around to try and find the parents because they weren’t around either. Parenting, apparently in LA, very few people actually do it, leaving behind pussy kids and annoying kids. Oh, and before I forget. Katie can’t throw up, she wasn’t feeling well, took some charcoal pills, and tried sticking her finger down her throat but it wasn’t working. So, it was up to Ellis to use a “tool” to help get the job done, which it did. As Ellis and Tully did a graceful dance around what this magical “tool” was, Dingo, well known for his masterful wordsmith abilities, blurts out, “dick in the mouth”. Oh. And also while Wilson was in Alabama, he never once heard the “n” word.

eyebrows-raised

Ellis flirting with Kenda.

MMA News time with Kenda (not Kendra) Perez. Ellis received no drunk texts from Kenda over the weekend, so that pretty much means she was with her boyfriend and he must be working his way into her heart as well as her panties. Joe Rogan temporarily got put on blast by Dana White for asking Rousey if she was willing to rescue the UFC 176 PPV event in less than a month because it currently has no main event. Dana then later exonerated Joe and all is well between the two again. Chris Weidman put doubts to rest with his win over Lyoto Machida. Urijah Faber beat the brakes off Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres and it sounds like Urijah has had a falling out with Duane Ludwig. In TUF 19 finale, BJ Penn retired after his TKO loss to Frankie Edgar. And Ben Askren heckled “fat” Johny Hendricks and “bald” Dana White. Also, Chael Sonnen got fired from FOX Sports and UFC broadcasting. Speaking of people getting fired, here we go. Anthony Cumia, yes, the bitter old gal from Opie & Anthony also got fired. Apparently it was over some racist shit he said on Twitter. Whatever. I don’t care. Maybe not so coincidentally, new segment time with “Dude, Will This Get Me Fired?” The major bit of entertainment here was how we learned that Cumtard wiped his ass, between his legs, while standing up. Some chick he worked with at McDonalds that he tried to flirt with caught him with a wad of shitty toilet paper in his hand, dick hanging out, and standing like some kind of mental patient. Then we get another bomb dropped on us when Tully admits he’s not sure he’s ever wiped while sitting down, he always stands up to wipe. That means there are people walking among us who stand up to wipe. You know Tully & Cumtard can’t be the only two in the world. I never would’ve known, and you said the show isn’t informative.

hot-in-here

Donald Schwartz, poaching, and history get me so hot!

Donald Schwartz called into the show to talk about how much it costs if you want to go poach a rhino. I might have written that wrong. He doesn’t condone poaching, matter of fact he flat out is opposed to it, he just knows a lot about it. He’s also opposed to beheading people, but also may allegedly know a lot about it. Also, apparently killing cool lions causes the pussy lion population to increase. I’m not sure how, but if Schwartz says it does, then I’ll take his notoriously racist* word for it. *Disclaimer: Donald isn’t really a racist, he just plays one on TV. Also, I’m joking again. He, as far as I know, has never played a racist on TV. Anyway, shit is in trouble. Animals. The ocean. All of it. And if they’re in trouble, then we’re in trouble. And nobody wants to report to the principal’s office for this one. Trust me. Or don’t. Trust Donald. See if I care. Just trust someone for once in your life. Wait. That might be a bad idea. Just go to awf.org, there are pictures there!

Ever heard of Jordan Haskins? Me neither. Apparently he’s running for 95th District Michigan State House Representative and he used to be into “cranking” which is supposedly a sexual fetish where he removed spark plug wires from cars, sat in them with the engines running, sparking, and making noises, while he jerks off. Time for some notable moments in world history with Ellis and Dingo. The Dalai Lama was a Korean dude who invented yoga, wears a dress, and is not the CEO of Apple. The bikini was invented by Dingo’s mom when she was born and his dad wore a blue one and got the nickname Blueberry. Amelia Earhart did not steal babies, but was the last female bohemian who made the world’s best/worst lemonade. Ever. She also went on a walkabout until women had rights, and then pissed off men threw her in the ocean. Lyndon B. Johnson signed up for civil rights which gave rights to civil people in 1964 and then promptly gave those same rights to everyone except for Dingo’s mother. That girl that sued Kobe Bryant was pissed because he tried to crack open the backdoor and she was not into the butt jams and so she sent text messages to the FBI and Kobe quickly bought his girl a ring with a massive rock, thereby apologizing for splitting another ladies butthole apart which required stitches. In the butt. Butthole stitching. The Battle of the Little Bighorn was between Colonel Mustard and Chief Sitting Pond, up in Canada. Neither dude took any shit, but eventually Colonel Mustard was killed by Indians (feather, not dot) and they were all like, “fuck that cracker-ass cracker.” People at the time were all like “that’s fucking bullshit, man!” But nowadays, people are like, “well, fuck that Mustard guy” because as a whole, we were dicks to Indians (feathers, not dots) and that pretty much marked the invention of fire water. John Gotti was the father of gangster rapper Irv Gotti, he invented prohibition, the Gotti necktie, and suits. The Statue of Liberty and french fries were gifts from France just say “hi, we like you” and we accepted both gifts which made our entire population fat, but fully pleased and in need of a nap. The French are still waiting for us to send them a statue of Hulk Hogan. The Watergate burglars where a family that robbed banks and information from Secret Services and sold them to the Chinese, but were caught by Deep Throat, who turned out to be Tom Hanks and was romantically linked to Richard Nixon. Alexander The Great was gay, but the greatest of all time, he hunted elephants, owned Rome, and participated in orgies like a champ. Somebody put mercury on their dick and poisoned him and then he died. The Salem Witch Hangings were real, not just a story to make kids stop eating cookies at night. They tossed witches in water, if they drowned, they were not witches, if they floated, they were witches. This was of course all before anyone learned how to swim. Benjamin Franklin flew kite, which created electricity because he put a key on that kite and then lightening was like, BOOM! Entrepreneurship to you, sir! And that concludes our history lesson for today, kiddies. Now, how would you kill Dingo? By grenades at the Grenade Games? Him on an ice rink with a bunch of rocks and you and your drunk friends get to stone him to death? Think of your best and then keep it to yourself because the show is over by now.

awkward-kiss

Awkward kisses.