You’re listening to The Jason Ellis Show, and it’s Thursday, and you’re reading this which means that you probably didn’t listen to the show and it may not even be Thursday anymore!!! So welcome to your regularly scheduled Thursday recap by the most wonderful female from this website!!! The competition tis stiff, but week after week, I manage to be the best titty toting vagina having writer on here. And yeah…I make that joke almost every week that my truck doesn’t explode..but who cares!!! I have a vagina and boobies and they are wonderful!!!
Ellis starts off the show talking about food and wondering if it tastes better now and if that is the reason that there are so many fat people nowadays. Tully is quick to confirm that, yeah, food sure does taste a lot better now than it probably ever use to but it’s probably not the reason that everyone is fat now. Everyone is fat now because we live in a society of excess where all of the work that we do is not very physical and the people who are doing a lot of the physical work don’t have the means to indulge in the excesses like the rest of us. Tully didn’t say that last bit, but you never would have known that if I hadn’t said anything…so…whatever. They then start talking about the store Air One which was Whole Foods before Whole Foods existed and, if you’re like me and have never seen or been in an Air One imagine the place that Whole Foods would be if it were run by your mom and there were no cakes that had any sort of gluten or sugar or eggs in them. Ellis says that he feels like the gluten free market is really stepping up in their game because a lot of the foods and snacks and desserts at Air One are so good it feels like he’s cheating without cheating…and to people like me who have a cheat day once a week, tat sounds fucking amazing.
Then there is some commotion that goes on outside that the guys can hear inside of the studio and they are thrown off for a few minutes because Tully mentions that he saw two trucks from In&Out Burger at the building next door because it is apparently party day next door and that’s must be where the outside noise is coming from. This leads to discussion about the land outside the studio in general where we have all heard that there is a great view of the Hollywood Sign that…bumbumbum…anyone in the studio can’t see because there is a wall in the way and why doesn’t someone put in a motherfucking window? Tully has the answer good and ready because Tully is kind of like the google of the studio whe the listeners aren’t called to action and informs Tully that to put a window into the wall of the building that is already made of glass it would be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Insanity. Ellis could hand that shit with a side grinder. Boom. Done.
Around here is where there is some unfortunate drama regarding Cumtard, that girl that flew to LA to bang him, and whatever happened on and after their date last night. It reminded me of the whole Rawdog thing and it got a little edgy and the for some reason Tully decided to take the blame for it, which Ellis didn’t even acknowledge, but it’s one of those things where Ellis got all bummed and angry over someone trying to tell him what he can and can not say on his show. Cumtard was quick to try and mollify the whole thing and say that it’s not him who cares, it’s the girl, but that didn’t really make anything any better and after a few minutes of back and forth and yelling about the whole thing Tully took the reigns and ended it with, “let’s move on”. Thank goodness for that guy. They move on to some talking about Will quitting smoking and how Will doesn’t know the date and he should really figure out what day it was because it’s a big deal and a day that should be remembered. Both @crackerstacker and myself answered the non call and tweeted the show the date because we are awesome, and yeah, you beat me to the punch, buddy, my boobs got in the way. They talked for a bit about vaping and a package they received from Pied Piper Vape Pens, which they were pumped about and the talk of weed spurned them to talking about other kind of drugs and how they should do a show on crack and a show on ecstacy. Or a podcast if they, for some reason, encounter a problem doing drugs in the studio. They talk about how neither of them have ever had a bad experience on ecstacy and it seems likes a reasonably okay drug to dabble in.
Ellis mentions that his thumb hurts as Tully reminisces of the back in the day when he and Cullen were young and invincible and Cullen had a full head of hair and they were on the band scene because Ellis held hard onto the Ultimate Powerchord while he was writing a song and jamming with Katie in their band that is not yet good enough to have a name. Ellis talks about how their band will never really have the kind of band or talent to make a bunch of really good songs, but he truly believes try have it in them to make one really good song filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and Tully likens it to being able to find the best item of clothing in a thrift shop. But really, we all know that Ellis is going to be saving his very best for the emergence of HorseForce where Tully is looking forward to Ellis writing the center part of a spiderweb of riffs that he and Christian can build on creating a full spiderweb of wonderful HorseForce music filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and they will all go down in history as being a part of the funniest most metal band of all time.
Will gets called back into the studio for some Wolfknives names after he gets off his conference call, not cigarette break, with some dude who’s name I genuinely forget but who runs the My SXM for the phone app and website where you customize your SXM listening experience. The app that I just mentioned is also where you can find The Jason Ellis Channel and never have to feel like you can’t listen to this glorious man talk 24 hours a day. As for the few new members of the Wolfknives….welcome The Toe Cuttah, Pre Cum, The Asian Cajun, Jesus Fucking Christ, Bus Penguin, Michael Felch, and Nobody’s Listenin!!!!
Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news that I mostly listened to but was driving and took no notes!!!! Apparently everyone got knocked out in their fights and there is no disguising ‘I just for kicked right in the liver’ pain and the kicks that these new guys are throwing these days are new kicks and not the kicks of yesteryear. Tully made fun if one I the Brazilian fighters who had his own name tattooed across his back and Ellis confirmed that Brazilians do indeed have the worst tattoos ever. Chris Weidman, the current champ who’s body broke Anderson Silva’s leg wants his next fight to be with Vitor Belfor and Dana White has said that he would like to see that happen. But..how could that happen when Belfor is all on roids and there’s none of that or TRT in UFC anymore?!?! Ellis su she would have to roid his face off for a while and then get off them long enough to pee in a cup and have it come out clean. Ronda Rousey is also in the news saying that she wants to be the female version of the Rock after her fighting career is over because there is no real female action hero out there and Ellis and Tully are both pretty alright about that. Speaking of The Rock, Tully brings up the forthcoming Hercules (which Ellis thinks is going to suck unless you’re under 12) in regards to an article he read about what Dwayne Johnson’s 7 meals a day diet consisted I for filming. Let’s just say that dude was eating filet mignon twice a day, broccoli, asparagus, and egg whites to the extent that he probably killed several makeup artists over the course of filming by the power of his farts alone. Yuck. They then watch a video of the worst choir of all time which features a bunch of really old people singing today’s hits in what I think I supposed to be three part harmony, but they are so bad that I really am not sure, and Tully concludes that these are the type of old people who were never ever cool. When Ellis gets old he plans on playing pool…he will not be singing in a choir.
Back from the second break it’s halftime so be sure to check whatever balls you have for cancer and remember to not be a patron at any restaurant that serves shark fin soup because it can kill both you and the environment and that looks good on no one.
Joining Ellis and Tully in the studio are Mike Catherwood and his lovely wife Bianca who are there for some good old fashioned marriage counseling from Big Daddy J who Dr. Drew has convinced he is also a doctor. This whole idea came about, for those of you who don’t remember, after Mike and Bianca came to the Gokarting race and Ellis sensed that shit was all kinds of amiss. They get started talking about using natural deodorant and toothpaste, which Tully admits he is also currently using, but eventually they get around to talking about their couple problems which really seems to center around Mike and intimacy issues that he developed after things that happened while he was growing up. Ellis diagnoses that Mike needs more authority and power in the relationship and suggests that the way to accomplish this is for Bianca to kiss Foxxy while Mike grabs her penis (at which point Foxxy enters the studio) and Bianca is all ‘ummmmmm…..no’. The whole kissing, knob holding winds up never happening, but they all do get some real talk in there. Apparently the biggest issue that they are working on is Mike’s complete inability to initiate sex with his wife. Like, ever. Again, this goes back to an intimacy issue and fear of rejection, but Bianca told him that she didn’t want to initiate all of the time, especially after she had the baby. Mike also received tips from Ellis, Tully, and Foxxy on how to be more romantic and loving to his wife in the bedroom and how to slow things down since he admits that he only has one pump speed and that is ‘full speed ahead’. Bianca starts telling a little story about how the most sexually romantic Mike has ever been was when he was giving here a perineal massage in preparation if the home birth of their baby and I had an ‘aw’ ready to burst out of my mouth but Mike ruined it by making a joke about gaping cause, well, remember this intimacy issues? Well…cause of that. He also managed to make an analog of his sex life with his wife to a game of pickup basketball in Venice Beach. Sigh.
During that time there was also some talk about what Ellis would be like as like as a 65 year old if he sex drive stays as high as it is now and they all cultivated a truly spectacular image of Ellis ‘The Cockodile’ with a croc tattooed on his dick and Katie being the Cockodile Hunter (the only one who can tame the beast) and the women that wound encounter the predator and the possible ensuing exploits…and all I can keep thinking about that is I would actually pay money to see Katie dressed up in a sexy Croc Hunter outfit giggling her way through doing an Australian accent saying ridiculous things about The Cockodile.
Back from the final break Tully and Ellis want to to talk about sexual fantasies and who out there has some good ones! Ellis, as we all know, is pretty determined to have a tensome, Tully wants to bang Yolandi from Die Antwood because he’s kind of in love with her in a way that makes me go ‘awwwww’, and Foxxy wants to be a part of a gangbang and now, she doesn’t want any other ladies around- she wants it all about her!! Hell yeah Foxxy!!! There are a lot of calls from listeners with everything from ‘I wish my wife would blow me and swallow my load and enjoy it’ to ‘I want to be gang raped by smurfs’ and ‘I want to have sex with a girl or guy in a horse costume because I love My Little Pony’ and ‘I want to be raped by a mermaid’. Ellis sent a tee shirt to a guy who called in and said he wanted his girlfriend’s (imaginary) girlfriend to titty fuck his cock with his girlfriends tits- which is complicated to say, but damn that sure is some next level titty fucking!! I’ve been trying to think of my sexual fantasy…but….it’s not that I don’t have any…but it’s actually all stuff I’ve already done and that me and Hubbs haven’t had the opportunity to do lately. I almost got some rooftop fucking today…but of course everyone seemed to be around the college campus we were at for a good part of the afternoon in the middle of the goddamn summer!!!!! Ugh!!!!!
ps…sorry for the lack of links!!! I’m writing this on my iPhone cause we are still at work and it does not let me put them in on my phone even the button is right fricking there!!!! I decided to do this from my phone because I have no idea what time we’ll actually be getting home tonight and I wanted to get it posted before, you know, the recap for tomorrow was posted. And I wanna have sex when we get home…a lot of it…cause we didn’t get to have sex on a roof today and that’s a goddamn tragedy!!!