The past two weeks have been pure, farm fresh, grade A, shit for me. And today isn’t any better. It’s taken it’s toll on me, I’m exhausted, I’m busy as shit, and I’m pretty sure I’m working towards a stroke. That being said, I’ll do my best with the recap but I make no promises on its quality. Your balls hitting your ass? Does it mean you’re getting older or does it mean you’re balls are getting bigger? Is Jetta the whitest man in the world? Why does Dingo have a new car? Is Cumtard really that cumtarded? Does Ben Stiller have an eating disorder? Just answer “Yes” to all those and you’ll pass the quiz. Dennis Rodman showed Dingo and his pals the giant penis tattoo he has on his back. Remember when Rodman banged Madonna? I don’t know how a super STD wasn’t born from those sessions. There’s moto beef between Dungey and Roczen, or Roczen’s mechanic, or maybe it wasn’t beef, maybe it was chicken. Outdoor motocross versus indoor motocross. There’s a line drawn in the dirt and you gotta choose your side! Just kidding, nobody really cares as long as they can hear the “braaaaps”. So Ellis’ Palm Springs adventure this weekend was cool, but he felt like he got fucked over on his room, no bathtub – only a shower. No movies, just a bed and a couch. Dingo did some interviews at Street League over the weekend, so far it sounds like he did better than last time. Dingo was also at the Young Hollywood Awards this weekend with Kelly Osbourne. It’s airing on Oxygen or some shit tonight. Dingo went and bought himself a white BMW 640i, the one that kinda looks like a Chrysler. Dingo schooled us on who Charles Manson was, then Tully & Will chimed in with more details to really round out the whole Manson family information segment. Do you like the Vamps? You might be a goat if you do. The government wants you to be into the Vamps. This all led into discussions on how big is metal? Are genres of music more fragmented now than ever before? Did you know Ellis got kicked out of school once? Did you know he went back to his school later when he was older and filmed it? Well you do now.
When Ellis & Dingo really get going.
MMA News with Kenda Perez time, she doesn’t have any ugly friends. That’s mainly because Hotdog the intern is still rocking his new genius haircut. Kenda’s a drug and reggae addict lately, Dingo thinks the new drug is moon rocks – a crystallized version of molly. Kenda’s phone sucks, it keeps cutting out so her segment got cut short. Anthony Johnson has fucked up eyes that go red when he gets emotional, and it’s not pink-eye from rubbing poo in his eyes. He planted upper cuts on Nogueira until Lil Nog slumped to the canvas with blood streaming from his… noggin. Clay Guida got his perm straightened by Dennis Bermudez. Dana White could be the next President of the United States, giving way to the “Dana White House” (Tullyism) and Rob Dyrdek could be the Vice President. Some Jennifer chick and her co-workers were listening to the Etsy game on a replay of the show and decided to make an Etsy game themselves and shared it with the show. Aretha Franklin got snubbed at Johnny Rockets, some waitress yelled at her when she sat an empty table after ordering takeout. Dingo is suspect, he likes Canadian bacon over actual bacon or turkey bacon. You sir, will need to work to earn our trust again after that statement. And now, a short public service announcement.
Fuck your Canadian bacon.
Dingo swears you can drive a Lamborghini golf cart on the streets in California as long as it’s licensed and all that legal mumbo jumbo. On a side note, Canadian bacon, so you might not want to just go trusting this man. Katie got called a retarded cunt when she was trying to park her car or something. Ellis wasn’t there so the dude got away with it. Tully called the police today after dropping his kid off at preschool. He saw a Washington state drivers license in the gutter with the face and most of the identifying information burnt off. He called LAPD and they basically gave him the “big fucking deal, buddy” so he called the Seattle PD and I don’t know what the shit they did, but probably nothing. Anyway, back to the Etsy game, which I didn’t take any notes on because I was driving in shit-ass-ass-shit stop-and-go traffic and am unwilling to get into a wreck writing down Etsy game notes. Deal with it. All I can remember is something about soap that smells like monkey farts and Danzig as a narwhal. Tully’s cooking chicken feet for soup and I gotta guess it’s some sort of Japanese dish because who the fuck else would eat chicken feet? You’d think by now people would know that just because you can boil something and pretend it’s food, doesn’t mean you should or that it is food. Some dude in Alabama went to get his foreskin removed and instead the doctor removed his cock. Suddenly, my shitty past weeks are looking a whole lot better. Chris Cole called into the show, he was at Street League this weekend too. Once Chris hung up, we got to hear Dingo’s interviews from the Street League event. This time he had someone there with him to work the equipment so it didn’t sound like total shit. He knows his interviewing skills need work, but he did much better his 2nd time around. He wasn’t afraid to ask the hard hitting questions like “who has the biggest cock here?” – kudos to you Dings! Dyrdek allegedly told Dingo that he’s paid to win a contest before, but that was cut from the audio by the engineer – making that hearsay and inadmissible in court. Overall, Dingo did a lot better this time around and hopefully he keeps doing these at some of the events he goes to.
Back to MMA for a minute. Wilson made his UFC bet and now he’s getting his chance to collect on that bet. He’s going to get his Make-A-Wish dream come true by sitting in a vat of beans! He’s got his kiddie pool, he’s got his floaties on, and donning his favorite shower cap – now it’s time for the miracle! As HateBean came to life, he was drenched in beans. In his mouth. Over his head, down the front & back of his shirt. In his ass crack. BEANS EVERYWHERE! After singing a few bathing songs, it was time for him to get out of his bean bath so Jetta, Cumtard, & Hotdog could get their chance at earning a whopping $100 dollars by having a contest. Each would fill their cup to the brim with bean bath, whoever could finish their brimming bean cup of crunk bean first would be declared the winner. The whitest guy in the world, Jetta, was out of contention almost immediately as he began vomiting beans right back into the bean pool. This left Cumtard & Hotdog to battle it out. Hotdog was holding back his gag relfex while Cumtard was busy enjoying his cup of beans like it was some sort of delicacy prepared by a wizard. Because he seemed totally un-phased and enjoying his delicious dish, it really seemed like Cumtard was going to be winner here, but then a surprise between Hotdog’s vurps. In a scene I can only imagine was straight from a Porky’s movies, Hotdog had nearly completed his cup of bean protein. Cumtard admitted his defeat and Hotdog went on to finish his cup-o-beans, making him the Lean, Mean, Dean of Bean! Which is a much higher honor than your mom ever received, the Queen of Cum Glazed Maids of AIDs. OH!
HateBean in his element.