Show Recap for Tuesday 2/24/2015

Welcome back all you wonderful people who were prolly partying it up at Ellismania without me. Schwatevs..not like I didn’t have an absolutely amazing weekend working and being a mom. Sigh..I’ll get there one day guys, one day. I’m gonna do my best to give a good recap of today’s show, but baby mama was suuuuuuuper late picking up the Con-man today and it can be really tough listening to this show with a five year old running around.

First things first!! They are back and feeling go Continue reading

Show Re-cap for Tuesday 10/14/14

Welcome to your Tuesday recap ladies and gents tempopermanentlyish hosted by the one and only me, jenny, whom you have all come to sorta know and sort of love. Cue the music cause boom, time to talk about what went down on the show today!!!!

Getting right to it- Ellis is thinking that he wants to get some samurai’s tattooed on the backs if his legs because Sa Continue reading

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/23/14

It’s “Who gives a fuck about your problems internal restructuring week” here at NoYouAre and god damn if I’m not excited for all the wonderful changes that are gonna be taking place in the near future. For one thing, I’m gonna be writing recaps with thigh earmuffs from now on unless my schedule doesn’t allow it or they find my naked corpse face down in the snow, y’know whatevs, and the new guy is getting his trial by fire real soon and people are switching days and FUCK IT’S GONNA BE A GOD DAMN AWESOME NEW CHAPTER OF DICK AND FART JOKE RELAY RACING FROM THE SATELLITE TO THE RADIO TO THE KEYBOARDS OF A BUNCH OF FOLKS WHO SHOULD PROBABLY EAT LESS CHEESE AND TRY SLEEPING AT MORE APPROPRIATE HOURS!!! But anyways, enough about us, cause we do this to talk about someone else and that someone else is the entity known as the Jason Ellis show. Today got rolling with Jason rolling completely solo cause everybody’s either sick or fired! Who’s on which list of shitcanned or shitting blood? We’ll possibly find out later! Hopefully! Jason has been getting mostly positive but still mixed reviews of having his abridged replays in the morning and some people are flat out cunts on twitter and basically exist to complain about things just cause nobody has ever taught them what productivity is. Tony Hawk still believes in Faction with Jason Ellis! Jason has been working through a lot of stuff in his issues and behaviors and things that make a person go crazy and do stupid shit sometimes. Cumtard and Jetta are both no longer members of the staff, and Tully is home with his entire family spewing putrid fluids from every orifice in the most metal vomit and diarrhea festival known to the ages. Jason isnot huge into soccer, so he’s trying to get the kids into MMA and if they like it then awesome and if not then you can’t say nobody tried. Jason does appreciate the work his therapist puts in, but it couldn’t hurt if he hired a janitor because one time he left a water bottle in the waiting room and it sat there for two weeks. After his last session, Jason visited the Zen garden nearby and wandered the boardwalk watching everyone in L.A. be a god damn kook in the water. So, basically, lots of pondering and stuff up in the air right now. Cumtard apparently took a week off and it’s unsure whether he’s coming back after that, and not much more information I can give there. Anyways, back to Jason and the Zen garden, a while ago he tried asking one of the caretakers how such a luxurious establishment exists and somehow got corralled into the back to learn about meditation and the guy leading the class was spending way too much time checking Ellis’ bulge (which I’m told is fantastic and beautiful). Then, the other shoe dropped and she told him it was $250 for a one hour session with sitting and tranquility and 8 inch balls and all that. So Jason just went for a 20 minute shakedown run through Zen and the art of Xenophobia since he had another appointment nearby, and god damn if the first thing this lady did was one healthy dick tap. Then she did some questions and smacked a gong around and some other stuff that didn’t seem like it was worth $75 bucks for 20 fucking minutes starting with a slap to the balls and no orgasm at the end of it. It all seems to tie in with the fact that Jason appreciates women and they can convince him of just about anything if they word it correctly. Luckily, he got the fuck out before she could convince him to do a follow-up appointment so no extra stuff on the wing’s plate and he can focus on what’s important, like teaching his kids to crush skulls in the octagon! It all reminded Jason of this time when one of his ex’s former friends started claiming that she could do Raiki on pets over the phone and how psychics and mystics are often times completely full of shit like a rectum that hasn’t been purged for several days. And since I’ve known some interesting people, it’s worth noting that one time I was hanging out with a psychic off the clock and they got drunk as shit and pretty much told me it’s all a god damn lie, so y’know, grain of salt and all that. Jason took some phone calls on the black arts and no I don’t mean motown, I’m talking about the arcane and magical. Some of it seemed to encourage the feeling that if you believe enough it will come true and that’s all well and good, but didn’t rule out the possibility that Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson are just trying to take your millions with the help of two other completely unknown stars as their assistants. Jason reminded us of some lady who was bitching at Tiger the last time he dropped him off at school and the bitch was there again today giving the hairy eyeball to Tiger and she followed him across the yard to start some shit but wouldn’t dare attempt it with a guy who has a wolf tattooed on his head. Tiger seemed pretty upset about the whole thing and for the first time ever didn’t want to go home with dad and wanted to be with mom, which surely hurts any dad’s feelings, but you know what? A boy’s best friend is his mother (hopefully). And to top it all off, Jason needs more waxing so that he can counter the effects of getting old, but GOD DAMMIT HAVING A REAL LIFE GETS IN THE WAY OF GETTING THINGS DONE! AND WHY CAN’T JASON HAVE SOME HAIR?!?!? IS JESUS TOO BUSY TO GIVE JASON SOME HAIR?!?!? ANSWER ME MAGIC JEW!!! He did eventually get around to the waxing place, but the conversation with his waxer was annoying as shit and dude sounded like he needed to experience some real shit like selling crack to make rent. Some really fucking homeless looking dude came in to the waxing place too and it seemed really bizarre that a place so god damn ritzy wouldn’t get the Aryan nation to toss him out of their master race propaganda center. Some British chick who’s actually Australian was giving him the stank/fuck me eyes too, and that just seemed out of place for a man covered in tattoos waiting to get his back waxed. Jason will still do it though, just so long as she stays hydrated. Ellis took some calls on things and stuff, one guy wanted to know about the requirements to race UTV’s which of course Jason couldn’t answer cause he doesn’t work for the sanctioning bodies, but still he tried to encourage the dude to learn more about it and try to find a way to get some seat time. Another guy called to tell Ellis that he won’t be banging that not quite British Australian lady cause she prefers a box lunch at  the Y, but Jason just took it as a challenge to bust it open like no woman ever could. Somehow, this brought about the question “is it gay to let a man rub his knob on your crack?” To which the answer is of course “Yes, a resounding and undeniable yes, but if you’re into it, it’s nobody else’s business.” There were more calls and stuff and it all seemed pretty friendly and good natured after the turmoil of the first part of the show. There was a guy who needed to hear that sometimes divorce is the right thing to do when you’re both sick of each other and the kids need two happy fulfilled people in their lives and if neither of them can say that about themselves when they’re together than they shouldn’t be. Jason decided to take a break after all that solo gum flapping, which was probably a good thing cause he’s gonna need them pipes for another three hours.


Since Jason is still running the show alone, he got a chance to provide some input on how great it feels when hot ladies announce your show by saying they want to run parts of their bodies over parts of yours, and people, the creepier the better. Jason has been trying to exercise during the breaks, as well as pumping himself full of every medicine available to man cause fuck it why not? But he’s especially pissed that Theraflu is getting taken off the market cause it worked too good for there not to be something sweet as all fuck in it. Jason took a few minutes to listen through some of the music being suggested for the channel and get a little feedback about what people would like to not hear again. Before all that though, Jason and Will chatted for a while about Mike Tyson and how Jason has often under appreciated skills in the world of business and comedy. And substance abuse, skating, the old days, yer mum, and a whole lot of other things. A lot of what’s been tough going for Jason lately is all the stuff with his family that he’s been dealing with. We’ve all of course heard the seemingly endless issues with his mom, and of course he wants to patch it up with her just well enough that his kids can form their own opinion of her without his experience being all they base it on, and that’s all well and good, but it’s still a struggle cause some people can get all the polite treatment you can dish out and still have something negative as fuck to send back. And some people just refuse to handle the truth about things that have gone on with the people closest to them, so no matter what you want them to understand, it’s just not gonna get through to them. This is all kind of exterior to the what’s really important though, and that’s today and how awesome it can be when you do stuff that’s good for you and productive, so let’s get back on that train. So, new music, before any of it we heard a couple phone calls and some banter about how Jason kinda hates Death!Death!Die! but is still proud of the product and there’s a few tracks that he’s really happy with. Then, WILSON popped in a CD with stuff for them to sample. First band was Death From Above and they sounded kind of like The Hives, and I actually like The Hives a bit but not any of their radio tracks, and this was a bit more like one of their radio tracks. I wouldn’t complain to anybody if it was playing, but wouldn’t go out of my way to play it myself. Next up we heard some modern metal that wasn’t at all cookie monster from Mastodon and I’ve heard a few tracks from them that I like and they are talented musicians, this track wasn’t my style though. After that we got a listen of Royal Blood and it wasn’t terrible, kind of a Jack White vibe and catchy as all fuck. Next track Will played was from The Gallows and I’ve never much like the monotonous voice of their singer but I could understand if someone else liked them. Next was a band that I’ve actually fallen madly in love with recently called the Interrupters, and sure, they’re one of Tim Timebomb’s prodigies on Hellcat records, but they’re also fucking good at their craft and when I saw them live at Tim’s brother’s birthday a while back, they brought the fucking thunder and had the whole room skanking to the beat. After that was some band covering the Ramones that Will didn’t feel like mentioning the name of. Then we got a track from Yelawolf that was a bit different from his normal stuff but still pretty good. Next was more modern metal WITHOUT THE COOKIE MONSTER (squeee) that quickly shat the bed when the singer busted out sounding like Morrissey after an entire box of whippets and was deemed not good enough and I kinda had to agree. Up next we listened to a few bars from a post hardcore band that again, Will didn’t feel like naming but nonetheless would be put in rotation to either be picked apart by wolves or become champion of the arena and slaughter Caesar. After that we heard a rather emo band for a few seconds and it was quickly nixed. Then we got a strong thrash intro that segued into a high pitched and gravel throated Bruce Dickinson tribute-sounding singer from Exodus and it might work on some stations, but a little too far out of left field for Jason. However, it grew on The Wing and he let it fly. After that we heard a respectable tribute to the epicness of 80’s metal and double-kick drums and then the cookie monster started raging like his meth boner had exploded and left him dying of exsanguination, and Jason would not have another second of Scar Symmetry. And that was all of it, with only a few kicked to the curb outright and the playlist still wide open for suggestions. The guys turned to the phones to get some feedback from the audience and it seemed pretty good for the most part minus all the people who insist on suggesting new songs even though they said that was going to be reserved for a later date. Jason got a text from Sluggo which reminded him that he’s trying to get back into skateboarding and that he should get started by actually making use of his sponsor Globe’s mini-ramp so that he can get his legs back and hoon the fuck out of himself at a beginner level. After all that, Jason told a story about getting a vitamin B injection in his ass at some Hollywood spa place and it all started with him not filling in the date on some piece of paperwork cause he’s dyslexic and nobody usually gives a fuck. The lady at the counter appreciated the fact that he didn’t fill in the date cause he’s had an over privileged life, being a New York Times best seller even though he’s never read a thing and hasn’t had a whole lot of reason to start in his line of work. Jason went to this spa to recoup after all the hard work of racing in North Carolina and everything was feeling great right up until he got to the ass cheek puncturing session, while Jason was in the locker room, a guy actually asked if Malin Ackerman really signed and tattooed his ass, to which he had to respond “Yeah.” In the process of confirming with Hot Dog and Wilson that you can in fact see her name from a distance, and displayed his hole to the CEO and intern all in one fell swoop. This whole story really got Jason thinking that it’s time to get rid of the Rawdog and Joe Willy tattoos cause frankly it’s been long enough since he’s had any dealings with either of them, so he decided to do an impromptu “World’s Greatest Tuesday” by turning to the fans to ask what the best replacement tattoo would be for his freshly waxed infant smooth ass. He also got a better look at the Malin Ackerman tattoo and even that is kind of unacceptable simply for the fact that she has no experience whatsoever doing tattoos and it really put Jason in a headspin so he decided full cheek cover up that would eradicate all of it. His first idea was something race inspired like a dirt track or a pirate ship. Some of the ideas from the callers were a second ass (black ass, cause it needs to cover), Cat in the Hat fishing in the rectum, Gene Simmons with the trademark tongue going towards the hole, Dimebag Darryl (for shame, everyone, that’s just mean), The World, Joe Willy actually called in to say that it’s perfectly acceptable to cover his name since it’s not even spelled right, and suggested he get a shark eating its own heart, a red dragon breathing fire into the hole, Katie’s hand print, Ozzy’s head eating a bat, Jason’s moto license plate, or possibly Chad Reed’s with his autograph underneath, the giant underground slug from Tremors (which would probably just look like a turd in the long run, which would be even more bizarre to get tattooed on your ass), Bigfoot reaching into his rectum, the flaming Hindenburg, “Juicy” (of course suggested by a dude that could not have made it any less obvious he wants to take a spray of Jason’s DNA across his grille), The Sistine Chapel ceiling, A dinosaur or pretty much any lizard because the scales do a great job covering up writing and that inspired Jason to get his pet bearded dragon Supercross on his ass, Andy Dick doing a line of coke, Shaq or John Madden saying “BOOM”, hamburgers so you can tell people you have Asperger’s, a dogsled complete with Eskimo bull whipping the dogs, Rocktopus, A caution flag, A huge double sided battle axe, a skater jumping the crack, Bill Nye the Science Guy, the tail end of Jason’s Porsche, a viking warship, and that last one basically sealed it cause Gene Simmons is a sellout and owns an indoor football team. BREAK TIME!


Jason came back from the break to do a game with WILSON and Hot Dog about Marilyn Monroe, and in the midst of this WILSON admitted that he barely uses the e-cig anymore and still hasn’t gone back to regular smokes, so he’s sticking to his word like a mother fucking champion. But anyways, back to Hot Dog and Marilyn Monroe, but more importantly whether or not Hot Dog knows who a whole bunch of other well known figures are. To keep it short, he knew Al Gore was a vice president who “bullshittedly” got a Nobel peace price for some movie he made, he didn’t know who Malin Ackerman was but Googled her and found out she was an actress, he knew Alfred Hitchcock was a director that may or may not have raped or otherwise been inappropriate with all the women on his movie sets, he knew Billy Crystal but not from When Harry Met Sally, he didn’t know Bob Hope was the greatest contributor to soldier morale at all the USO shows ever, but thought that he was a singer from the fifties who wrote music about long skirts and grilling with your dad, he knew Boy George was a singer with a spray on coif and a long string of male prostitute beatings as of late, he knew that Cassius Clay was a boxer also known as Muhammad Ali, he thought that Cindy Crawfordwas an actress (which is technically true because she did star in a movie with Billy Baldwin way back in the days, although I wouldn’t call her an “actress” from that particular display of big screen forgetability) and did not know that her main claim to fame is as a super model who does not age thanks to an African melon extract that you can buy at 3 AM on QVC for just $29.99, he didn’t know that Colin Powell was an army general and politician, but thought that he was a humanitarian doctor helping kids with cleft palettes in Africa, he knew Dan Aykroyd as an amazing force of comedy and that David Hasselhoff is taken way more seriously in Germany than the US, he knew Dick Clark hosted late night TV, he knew Goldie Hawn was an actress who took some dick and made the fine specimen known as Kate Hudson, he couldn’t tell you who Julius Irving was if it would prevent him from getting shot in the face, knows Mario Andretti cause of that one time he did donuts in a formula 1 car at the opening ceremony of the Olympics one time, definitely knew that Mark Hamill was Luke Skywalker, knows less than a fraction of a shite about Rock Hudson but knows he got paid for being a bad mother fucker simply on principle, knew Wynona Ryder was in Beetlejuice and got arrested for stealing jewelry repeatedly after spurning Johnny Depp’s world class penis, and finally he knew that Winston Churchill was definitely the prime minister of Britain. And as the tiebreaker for Jason and Wilson, Hot Dog knew that Lane Staley was the lead singer for Alice in Chains. The guys all turned to the phones to get some final calls and banter with everybody out in the rest of the world for a while. Some lady asked if Hot Dog was a Quaker cause obviously Jason has the answer for that, what with all his experience dealing with those shifty Quakers all across the wilds of Australia, more dangerous than the Amish in them parts. The lady with three tits that the guys talked about yesterday was proven pretty much fake, but Jason didn’t listen to the guy who was calling to pass that along, however it is entirely true cause in a YouTube video the third titty is obviously a different color and no one has seen the top and bottom at the same time, not to mention that she’s obviously making a play to get famous cause people don’t want talent on TV anymore they just want bullshit, which is really all MTV has done for about a decade now. Jason is gonna do more racing in the future and loves the Italians. A couple more suggestions came in for the ass tattoo but right now the viking warship seems to be the best option. Some more folks called in and it was a lot of the normal faire, as it often is, and then the show came to a close with some dude bitching about his wife and his full time job, cause obviously nobody’s ever been able to enjoy their life with either of those things.


Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,


And let me just say, with my big move coming up I’ve been really appreciating the support of all of you guys, as well as my friends and family outside of this wonderful little community bound together by an afternoon radio show. We’re sorting out a lot of things here, like if my schedule might allow me to keep doing this, and believe me I would love to, it’s been a blast from the start and it’s great to know how much people enjoy it and be part of some of the things this website has done. If this is the last piece I ever write for this website, just know I thank all of you for reading this and every other brain vomit session I’ve put out here, and if it’s not, I hope everything else I do here gives you all the enjoyment I get making it.



That guy who got his ass kicked in front of 3,000 people for talking a lot of smack,

And coined the term “CumShart”,

And can’t seem to cut a run-on sentence short,


Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/9/14

DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA REALLY WANT THE TRUTH!!! DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH!!! HE AIN’T JACK THE RIPPER HE’S YOUR ORDINARY CROOK!!! CALLIN’ MAXWELL MURDER FOR YOOOOOOUUU!!!! Fuck, if the date was only a couple digits different, we could call it Rancid day and have punks across the land starting mosh pits in the most unexpected and inappropriate places and situations. Or even better, revive the little known British punk band 999 and make catchy melodic songs about cheating girlfriends and a strong belief in the theory of homicide. Whatever though, it’s Tuesday and I’ve only got less than three weeks before I hit the road up north to the land of moose cum slurpees and a thousand recipes for poutine! I’m fucking excited, how about you? I’m gonna make the stupidest, drain on society anchor baby you fuckers have ever seen! But before that, let’s talk about the Jason Ellis show, cause that’s what’s happening live in the here and now several hours ago by the time this recap actually makes it to its published stage of existence cause I have a day job and constantly have to pause the show to answer the phone or play psychiatrist to someone with automotive troubles and I’ll probably be listening to more than half of the show later this evening with the on-demand function of the SiriusXM online player! Today got rolling with what seemed to be more intro music than normal, but I did have to pause a million times and didn’t want to fast forward in case I missed the opening and then had to hear Holy Diver again. After that though, Jason got to talking about how coffee is just wonderful, and I agree and when I’m done with this recap I’ll be freebasing Folgers so that I can stay up late and clean my apartment. Jude was in studio to chop it up with the guys today. Jude was watching some glory hole porn and came to the realization that the people on the business end are probably bashing their faces against the wall a lot more than your average person might realize. Jason is on antibiotics right now cause of dog blood shit SARS cancer, which sucks cause he just got off of all the blood thinners from the heart surgery and it has just been a chemical fueled nightmare for The Wing without the awesome side effects of actually getting high. The guys discussed how proper animal husbandry and science kind of requires you to stop letting dogs lick your face cause they do a wide range of horrible things with those mouths at all times of day. Also, probably a good idea to chase down your hairless cat and dunk it in a sink full of Purell from time to time cause they’re terrible at cleaning themselves. Luckily, the pain of their pestilence is all in your head, but unfortunately the bleeding rectum is entirely real. Jason also had a really good therapy session last night which brings us to Jude’s fucked up evil psychology. He’s an awesome dude, and he’s got his ways of working through things that are just different. Jude has been trying to find a lady worth keeping around longer than a few good fuck sessions lately and it’s kind of seeming like it’s going good for him and we’re glad to hear it. The only thing fucking up his crusade is the fact that pussy is fantastic and sometimes it’s the only thing that’s gonna satisfy the beast within. Tully on the other hand is happily married and hiding his alcoholism very well from his loved ones so that he can keep up the facade of some level of contentment with reality. Jude had a hookup session with a random the other night and after the deed was done she started making every kind of excuse imaginable not to leave, like that she was too drunk (and then took another drink) and that she needed someone to feed her children and pay her car note cause she sure as fuck ain’t about to. Somehow or another, the guys tried to draft Cumtard into getting his dick sucked by a man for science but the guys couldn’t agree on an acceptable ratio of beard mouth to smooth mouth for Cumtard’s liking, plus insertion on the radio is still against the rules so that got put on the back burner for now. SiriusXM has just started running the bumpers of FACTION: With Jason Ellis and Jason got a little uppity about it at first since he didn’t get to hear them first, but after hearing them he’s fine with it and didn’t have to hear Dingo call it Vegemite radio, so that kind of worked out for everybody. Since they are kind of stock though, Jason decided to crank out a few of his own using some of the classic sound bites that haven’t been taken off the button bar yet, like some Bruce Lee clips and various tortures and loud noises and exercising female grunts and Rude Jude speaking high pitched for no clear reason at all. WILSON stepped in to chat with the guys about the rollicking success of the Friday hotel show, and Cumtard let everybody know that he can’t do yoga cause those videos just eventually turn into porn in his mind and he opts to release the pressure in his doom spigot rather than attaining nirvana. Jason floated the idea of the drunken porn star workout which would basically (hopefully) convince guys looking for spank material to end up exercising instead. Wilson added that each DVD could have each different type of porn lady, like tattooed girls, blondes, BBW’s, well hung trannies, et-cetera. Tully ordered a pay-per-view wank movie from his cable company and found that the experience was fucking terrible and Comcast has shitty streaming speeds and doesn’t come anywhere close to the quality and customer service of the internet and it’s endless treasure trove of carnal extreme sports. The guys played with the buttons a little more to find more sound drops that would work for FACTION: With Jason Ellis bumpers and it was just as much fun as all the other times they’ve revisited the old stuff on the button bar. It’s like visiting that old friend that sold you your first shot of smack back in junior high, only now he’s all about the designer drugs. Jude had never taken a trip down memory lane on the button bar so it seemed like a real treat for him to catch up on all the things he might have missed from precious moments passed. Unfortunately, he had to step out to go do his real job, but he did remind everybody that he did the ALS ice bucket challenge, and it’s on YouTube so if you want to laugh like an autistic howler monkey, go check it out. The guys took a break and let Lane Staley do the talking for a few minutes so they could figure out what the hell to do with the rest of our afternoons.


Hey, did you know Joanna Angel has her own radio show as well? It’s on Vivid Radio on SiriusXM and also at some other website too. She’s also got a call screener named Sapphire cause I mean, c’mon, you know what that lady does for a living? Of course Sapphire works on her radio show. So anyways, the guys called in to Lewd, Screwed and Tattooed which normally tends to be live phone sex (if I’m understanding the premise correctly)and chopped it up with Joanna for a bit and did a bit of show promo as well cause it’s all about folks helping each other out over at SiriusXM. When the guys got on air Joanna was talking to somebody about a tattooed Little Mermaid and how her and her female friend/co-host? need to bring a vibrator next time they see that lady. But then they put Ellis through and complimented his show and penis. They also contributed some of the most terrifying and hilarious porn-centric conversation that has probably ever been on Joanna’s show, and that’s saying something. Jason also explained how to get around that no insertion rule by jerking off the pussy the way Nina Hartley taught the guys to do that one time. Joanna also alluded to the fact that she will be smashing Katie’s box at some point in the future and I can’t think of anybody who’s not happy about that. In case you missed it on Instagram, Joanna stayed to hang out after the hotel show on Friday along with a bunch of the other ladies who were there and they all had a massive Greek orgy that would put the actual Greeks to shame. Or maybe Joanna was joking and everybody just got shit-hammered for two days cause sometimes that’s just what you need to do, but whatever the case, a good time was had by all. Some dude called in to say that Joanna has a “gorgeous meaty cunt” cause us dudes are disgusting, but no lie you ladies are too, although she was able to diffuse the use of the word cunt and get a fan to do some sort of favor so she would show her box on twitter. The guys let Joanna get back to work cause they had their own stuff to do, but they were very happy to talk to the Little Sister of the Jason Ellis Show. Remember that Ray Rice guy who should have slipped in to obscurity? Well, not more than a day has gone by and he’s back in the news again because of a lot of people’s reactions in the media, namely, Dean Cain!!! Cause fuck everything, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT DEAN CAIN THINKS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!! And of course in another SHOCKING display of what a pointless organization the tax exempt NFL is, coach Ditka chimed in that it was probably just a mistake on Ray’s part. Ray Rice’s wife chimed in on the whole situation and it’s hard for me to gauge whether or not she’s got permanent victim status etched into her psyche or if they’re actually moving on as a couple and don’t need the outside world’s opinion. The guys took some calls on the topic and it seems that the wife is blaming herself for everything and if it didn’t kind of sicken me how much we glorify people for all the wrong reasons in this society, I could form a much deeper opinion on all this, but long story short if you get in an argument keep your hands to yourself and hey what ever happened to dude am I a slut? Jason just said he’s kinda over it for now, might bring it back later but no particular plans to do so at the moment. The guys talked MMA for a bit, as they’re known to do from time to time. Jason finally got to catch up on all the fights he missed over the weekend and just had to dissect everything with the reasonable mind of Tully there to bounce everything off of. After all that, the guys took a break to set up some torture with a couple new acquaintances.


Don’t forget, unsigned bands is coming back soon, so send in your shitty sound clips for public ridicule. Two 90 year old lesbians got married after being with each other for 72 years cause I guess ladies really can’t let a grudge die or something like that. The guys brought in a couple of folks for a new game they cooked up called Pain for Plugs where people can come in and get free advertising in exchange for being attacked by squirrels or molesting themselves with an eel or whatever the hell else Jason can think of. The first guy they brought in was a proper Australian who’s got a business in So-cal selling proper Australian meat pies. He had to stick his hand in a box full of angry lizards and snakes but it sounds like he’s got a quality product and you should all go find a Pie Not meat pie and get it up ya. We also got a lesson about meat pies and how 7-11 in Australia sells them instead of hot dogs, but they’re essentially the same quality of instant food product substitute that’s only fit for human consumption when one is drunk to the point of openly shoplifting pre-heated processed white flour and grade D meat filling from a 7-11. After the meat pie guy, the boys took a break to regroup and clean up all the snake piss and blood that no doubt will haunt the new studio for years to come.


Tully found an advice column online called Dear Prudence and the guys decided to give their own take on some of the questions that people were asking. One guy sent in a letter saying that his wife’s sex drive had disappeared and he might have accidentally made a joke about giving his wife a knockout drug to get in her vajayjay and she said “well, since I don’t really want to have to look at your grotesque O-face ever again, sure, why the fuck not?” which no doubt would surprise anyone. Needless to say, it really begs the question, would you want to bang unconscious people? Or be unconscious while getting your vaj blown apart? The guys took some phone calls on whether or not there was anything the slightest bit okay about this and it continued to remind me that not all people are bad but there are people who are all bad all the time. It’s fair to note though, that having sex with an unconscious person will require a lot of lube unless she wakes up and actually starts enjoying it halfway through. A guy called in to thank Jason for helping him get off heroin and get away from gypsies cause you really can’t trust those mother fuckers, but probably not as much as you can’t trust a heroin addict, so win win for that guy and society at large. A lady called in to tell her experience with knocked out boot knockin’ and after her doctor prescribed her ambien she was having half awake dream sex with her man and it was fucking amazing but didn’t feel entirely real to her which seems to be the only downside to it but still possibly a workable angle if you’re in a committed honest arrangement with someone. The guys suggested that the next time it happens she should film it, cause couples that do home made porn together tend to have a lot of fun with it. It’s still pretty much agreed though, fucking the dead or otherwise incapacitated is just fucked up and weird and is a pleasure only reserved for politicians and the criminally insane. You could make a seriously awesome puppet show out of your lover’s carcass though, that’s always a recipe for fun. Tully decided to make a list of things to compare to each other, specifically which of each category is more metal. It begs one to wonder, are kittens or puppies more metal? Obviously kittens because they are miniaturized condensed evil, whereas puppies are wonderful. What about diarrhea or vomit? I mean, shitting blood is metal, as has been proven by Slipknot Cereal, but vomiting can happen for so many reasons as can diarrhea and those reasons can be equally not metal. Just to step up the question though, blood diarrhea or blood vomit? Diarrhea takes the win on this one cause a stream of blood flowing from one’s rectum is really the makings of an incredibly metal concept album. Next, Sinatra or Elvis? Sure, Sinatra smacked bitches and sang songs for the mob, but Elvis died eating fried chicken on the toilet. So, penis or vagina, which is more metal? This one was tough cause vaginas have evil inside of them and bleed for days on end, but penises are the more skull crushing aggressors in most situations. Golf or tennis? There was that one tennis player who did meth and had the craziest professional mullet ever, but Jason mentioned some golfer who apparently won and I didn’t catch the reason why. Next up, chainsaws or sawed off shotguns? As a lifelong devotee of the Evil Dead franchise and hopeful future adopted son of Bruce Campbell, I am satisfied with either answer cause he had both and he was cleaning up shop like a fucking boss in the backwoods of Michigan and medieval Britain. After that, Metallica or Slayer? Slayer just slightly won this one cause they’re not as popular and homeboy really can’t sing for shit and they’ve kept it that way for 30 years on purpose. Mexico or Canada? Well, Mexico has a lot more evil mythical creatures and free health care is the most anti-hesher social policy in existence. Heroin or Cocaine? Well, heroin is too much of a downer to get up and rage but cocaine keeps you angry paranoid and energetic for hours and hours of thrashing. Cancer or Heart disease? Well, cancer has no cure and erodes the body from the inside out and replicates as the most unacceptable lumps and lesions a human body can suffer, so cancer for the win! And while we’re talking diseases, The Plague or flesh eating bacteria? Plague definitely sounds more metal and it’s been around for hundreds of years. Piranha or giant squid? Squids are kind of pussies, so it’s obviously the murderous piranha. Competitive eating or parkour? Well, you can eat yourself to death and explode on the crowd in a shower of blood and feces, but nothing like that will ever happen in parkour. Wolves or sharks? I’ll give you a minute……


Wolves. Wolves are a cohesive unit, sharks are not that coordinated in their slaughter. Boulders or steel? Cocaine comes in boulders so that’s the winner. Darth Vader or the pope? Darth Vader is black and tortures people, but the pope? I mean, holy fuck the pope! He’s been the ruler of centuries of the most horrifying atrocities the world has ever seen and they’re continuing to this day AND IT’S NOT A FICTIONAL STORY (except that whole bible thing he writes his speeches from). Rainbows or unicorns? A horse with a horn can commit murder with the right rider on it’s back, so that’s that. Barney the dinosaur or Spongebob Squarepants? Barney is obviously some type of incredible sexual deviant that might have a few juvenile murders under his belt, but Spongebob is a sponge and his hands could barely meet over the top of his head, so you decide. Pirates or clowns? I haven’t seen a news report in this century about a pirate cannibalizing children, BUT CLOWNS HAVE! But then again, pirates do fuck shit up pretty hard to in their own right, so it may be too close to call. Burial or cremation? Well, fire gets you closer to Satan so cremation it is. And to trump that, what if it’s done to you while you’re still alive? STILL CREMATION!!! Vampires or werewolves? Vampires are too well groomed whereas werewolves are grimey and tortured and destroy everywhere they go. Spiders or snakes? Cold blood wins. Tampons or adult diapers? Well, that all depends whether or not you’re shitting blood. Freddy or Jason? Freddy is too much of a jester, Jason was just a misunderstood kid with a serial killer mom who decided to take over the family business when he returned from the dead. Steven Segal or Jean-Claud Van Damme? Segal did have that sex dungeon, but Van Damme kickboxed a guy with broken glass glued to his fingers in an underground dojo. Prison or Sea World? Prison, think back to sharks. Judas Priest or Iron Maiden? Buttfucking wins over bangs. Snow White or the Little Mermaid? Ariel was too slutty to be metal and Snow White definitely did a seven midget gang bang in the woods fucked up on the LSD found in many types of mold, like you might get on an apple. And finally, Dave Mustaine or Jimi Hendrix? Getting off alcohol is not metal enough, but he did get kicked out of Metallica which is pretty metal. The guys took a breather after all that metal to play us all some metal.


You know about fashion week, right? A few years ago, Hole played fashion week and they stiffed a guy on his bill to film them so he decided years later to release the footage of Courtney Love’s isolated vocals and guitar and much like that isolated track of Britney Spears, it shows a level of talent reserved for the mentally incapacitated or victims of severe brain trauma. If you didn’t catch it yesterday, The show is going to New York to do a bunch of radio and the debut performance of Horse Force and also play cricket against whoever decides  to show up. That’s all gonna be happening next month though, so let your boss know you’re gonna be calling in sick of their bullshit on the appropriate day in October. Jason played some of the raw audio of all the girls working out on Friday which really did sound like a massive Greek orgy so I guess mission accomplished. The guys took some final calls and stuff as their known to do, plus I have too much delay on the on-demand left to finish listening before Wednesday’s show comes on live and delaying this for four hours when it’s probably gonna be bullshit anyways is just ridiculous, so sit back and enjoy and fist yourself with a slow hand.


Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/19/14

I just renewed my truck insurance and health insurance and god damn if it didn’t feel like a barbed stone cock just got aggressively forced into my rectum. I mean, I’m going to the land of free health care and I doubt a California minimum policy from GEICO is gonna cover me in another country. Somebody bring me that fucking British gecko, I got some god damn questions I need answered. That pig ain’t gonna be no help, but if you wanna chop him up and make me a BLT you can hunt him down too. And whatever animal’s paw print they used for the Kaiser Permanente logo, BRING ME ALL THE MASCOTS!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH YOUR CORPORATE POLICIES AND YOUR ANIMAL REPRESENTATIVES SHOULD BE TRAINED TO HELP ME!!! While I wait for a veritable Noah’s menagerie of fortune 500 figureheads, I figure now would be a good time to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a mighty thunderous fart (from me) and some talk of bugs eating poo inside the human body and how next time that happens, Tully is fully allowed to take the reigns. Jason went to the doctor yesterday because he’s had a rumbly in his tumbly for a while now and he’s old enough to know that tempting fate is a luxury reserved for the young and stupid. Luckily though, the symptoms haven’t included diarrhea so it was no problem over the weekend at the UTV race. So, the doctor gave Ellis some stuff to clean himself out, but if it doesn’t work, he’s gonna have to do like Cumtard did that one time and shit in a plastic cowboy hat and have the scientists analyze it. Tully has had to shop for a new doctor cause Dr. Creepy won’t take his phone calls anymore, strangely enough, starting the day after they started calling him Dr. Creepy on the air, but he has a few things saved up to get poked and fingered and swabbed in the near future. Jude came in to hang out with the guys in his “gave up on life” look, which includes swim trunks and a plain t-shirt over some boat shoes. Jason went on the Jesse Ventura podcast and couldn’t help but call out the guy with the minigun in “Predator” on not knowing that pro wrestling is a lot less work than a legitimate sport like MMA or Playstation 3. Jude and Jason are both on a “fuck the world” kick right now cause really, a guy was able to raise $20,000 to make fucking potato salad on KickStarter, so what the fuck should I be amped about? The guys talked McDonalds for a bit cause they know they all have a particular menu item they routinely get, and it speaks volumes about a persons status in the world of pedophilia. Tully saw a video of a guy smoking McDonald’s french fries, and this quickly turned to drafting Jetta to toke up on some potato and wood pulp goodness. Jason told Jude about his experience racing this weekend and how he was kicking way more ass than normal and that’s always a nice feeling in your guts, not like bugs eating your poo. Jude told the guys he can’t even drive a stickshift, which makes sense cause American cars are huge in Detroit and they’re notorious for not making a manual transmission version of just about anything. Jude went antiquing at the flea market this weekend, which is far less gangster than off road mini truck racing, but he WAS fucked up on muscle relaxers, and he’s an amazingly white mother fucker, so it actually kinda worked. The guys talked about how cleaning when you’re high is usually not a good sign, even though your apartment is gonna be fucking SPOTLESS!!! Somehow, the story of Jude buying some crystal liquor glasses turned into a lesson about the Freemasons and how a collection of old rich Christians have put a magical Jew into power over everything. Luckily though, Zach Galifinakis has nothing to do with them, so when Hangover 6 comes out, it’s still OK to watch it without feeling like a traitor to free thought or anything like that. Ellis got caught saying “bullshit” in front of his kids this weekend, but Jude was able to calm him down by letting him know that the more you cuss in front of your children, the more they’ll rebel against you and turn into upstanding young citizens. Jason also went to El Compadres for dinner with the kids and somebody was using foul language really loud and as Jason was leaving he got a text from Blasko saying it was his friends and that they’re sorry for tainting the youth and will wait until they’re in junior high and developing their own personalities before they take that honor. The guys talked parenting for a while cause they’re all dad’s except for Jude who’s a fuckin’ Champiooooooonnnnnn but still sees his daughter. Tully’s kid is gonna be a track star someday and Tiger Ellis is gonna be wrecking shit at the dirt bike track like Return Of The Yard Sale: Electric Boogaloo. But that shit doesn’t matter so much cause Jude’s book Hyena is dropping on the 23rd and if you got the first sun, there’s gonna be more of it in the new version and if you didn’t get it on the first run, you can suck a dick, then learn to read and go buy it! And if you have a huge clit, Jude will not turn you away. Just don’t be a massive cunt. Some people called in to talk about cursing in front of your kids and whether or not it’ll make your kids shitty or if it’s really kind of a moot point. I for one, have noticed that kids are idiots, and idiots latch onto things really easily, so if you think it’s something an idiot shouldn’t be trusted to do safely and correctly, keep it the fuck away from them. Jude had to step out to do his regular gig, but he did let us know that next Monday, we’re gonna hear Tully on the Foreally show! Which is fucking awesome for all of us who love some Foreally, like me, and a bunch of other people who work here. And remember folks, vomiting stops people from rioting, so if you’re shopping for home defense accessories, an industrial drum of ipecac and a bunch of Super Soakers is a great idea.


MOTO NEWS WITH A BIG FAT DICK FO YA MOTHAFUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! In the 450’s at Indiana this weekend, it was muddy and there was racing and Ryan Dungey got cock-blocked like a priest at an all boys military school. I mean, Josh Grant for fuck’s sake. Josh Grant. Like many times when I have no idea what I’m talking about and just feel like being a dick, I’m sure Dungey is feeling the pain without any help from the public and will try harder next time. Now, I didn’t watch any of it, but the guys talked moto for a while longer and sounded like they knew what they were talking about better than I would. Jason would be enjoying moto some more on his own time if it weren’t for the fact that he had to give his bike back to Suzuki, and also he has a turd brewing that would suffocate a moose. There was some MMA talk which I also only vaguely paid attention to, but it sounds like it was good watching for the weekend. Tully has found himself more racist against the English than he used to be, mostly because of Jason Ellis and the UFC. There was talk of how Josh Koscheck is an announcer now because when you get punched and kicked in the head that severely for that amount of time, it’s a shitty move to lay somebody off. Tully suggested that Affliction should do an endorsement deal where they find people with out of date looks and give them makeovers with new Affliction gear, AND AT THE SAME TIME redesign Affliction gear to not look so shitty. But hey, none of that’s important cause WOMEN!!! AM I RIGHT?!?!?! A guy in Oklahoma is in the process of divorcing his wife and since he’s worth a few billion dollars, the courts are trying to figure out if he earned it legit or if he did some crooked shit, and that’s important cause his future ex-cunt is trying to get half of it. That’s right, half of 17 billion fucking dollars. Another lady in New Mexico was living with another lady and was dating that lady’s brother, and the siblings found out that the first lady was having sex with their dog on a regular basis. Now, after she admitted it, the brother broke up with her, and one night they were all having dinner together (cause the spirit of forgiveness is pretty similar to idiocy in some particular cases) and the brother and sister noticed that the water they were drinking with their meal had…sort of a tint to it, but didn’t stop drinking it, and had a funny taste, but didn’t stop drinking it, and it was only after dog fucker kept encouraging them to eat that it started to seem like a murder plot, WHICH IT WAS! Cause  dog fucker put rubbing alcohol in their water and toilet cleaner in the food cause HOW DARE YOU BREAK UP WITH DOG FUCKER?!?!??! DOG FUCKER BREAKS UP WITH YOU!!! A CNN reporter was at the US embassy in Baghdad and got picked up for being drunk and disorderly and apologized for telling emergency workers “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!?!” while attempting to bite paramedics who (in a fit of reverse Darwinism) were trying to keep this lady from wandering into traffic or being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. A lady in Albany, New York stole a python from a local pet store, slung it around her neck like a scarf, and drove her prius into the side of a fire station cause apparently the subway doesn’t run anywhere that a person might actually want to go around there. A woman in Scotland went to the doctor cause she was losing weight and couldn’t stop shitting herself, and the doctor found a ten year old sex toy stuck in her vag. Hey, at least it wasn’t a toilet baby, am I right? A chick in Eerie, Pennsylvania was trying to rescue a cat from a tree, and ended up getting stuck there herself because some people don’t understand that nature will fucking handle itself and when that cat wants to come down it will, it doesn’t need your moronic attempts at help in which you do yourself more harm in the process. And finally, a woman in Indiana was driving home after eating a burger and got a message from god that she should let go of the wheel (which makes me think that’s a tasty fucking burger) and the second she let go of the wheel she rear ended a guy on a Harley and the bitch kept rolling like she didn’t just fire a guy across three lanes of traffic and narrowly missed running over his head, but took a nice digger over the guy’s midsection. And to make matters worse, she stuck to the story after the cops showed up. A guy who was stationed in Baghdad with that CNN lady said that she’s always been fucking nuts, but then again she’s also been reporting live from Baghdad for about a decade. The guys took a break cause that much estrogen can make anybody need a snack, and I need to take a piss.


Let’s all wish Everlast a happy birthday, belated as it might be, cause he’s a good dude and it’s nice to be appreciated. You should also donate to cystic fibrosis research cause that would be a huge help to him and his daughter. After that though, you should get the cock off your chest, cause Brock Lesnar is now in the WWE and that’s a lot of cock to get off of a person’s chest. To start things off, Tully found a story about a 50-something year old Scottish guy who died with a vibrator in his ass cause he got it stuck and decided not to go to the hospital for five days, because today’s cock off you chest should hopefully be a sexual one. Any of your dark, weird fetish shit that your mother would disown you for, that’s what Tully wants to hear about. WILSON had to do 8 hours of community service and pay a $600 fine for littering (sexy littering). One caller said he pisses in the sink on a really regular basis, and not just at his own house. Next caller let the guys know that when he was in high school, his dad married a fine ass younger lady and one night while him and the stepmom were sitting around the house drinking, one thing led to another and they ended up fucking BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE, the son didn’t do a great job disposing of evidence, so even though the stepmom didn’t sell him out the dad still thought she was cheating with somebody and divorced her ass. Next we heard from a guy who was having group sex with another couple and felt a little stubble around his dick during a blowjob and when he hit the lights it was his buddy going down on him, not one of the ladies. After that we heard from a guy who also accidentally got blown by a dude at a porn shop jerk off booth when he stuck his dick through the glory hole and now he’s become kind of a regular patron of the glory holes. After that we heard from a lady who broke up with her boyfriend and started banging his best friend while she was on her period (LAAAAAAAMMEEE I’ve done that, it’s called being in your early twenties). Next we got a call from a guy who would routinely jerk off or blow his friend in his sleep, to completion. It gets weirder though, cause apparently the friend is as queer as a three dollar bill, but only in his sleep cause at times he would reciprocate, in his sleep. Next caller let his friend stroke him to completion when he was pretty young because his friend convinced him they had to do it as practice for when they start having to worry about girls. Next guy who called went out partying one night with some friends and his sister and after getting blackout drunk and not knowing what happened, he woke up naked, next to his sister. Yep, his sister. Next caller was a guy who had sex with his friend’s bride to be on a pretty regular basis and she knows all the same people and it’s a whole family thing and game of telephone bullshit. After that was a guy who was in a dispute with his girlfriend in the process of breaking up with her, and he had to break into her mom’s house to steal his dog back. Next was a guy who routinely hocks loogies in his boss’ slurpees and wipes his ass sweat in the dude’s respirator filter. After that was a dude who had a terrible phone connection but was able to let Hot Dog the call screener know that he illegally buried tons of fracking chemicals. Next was a guy who was fucking his girlfriend and his dog started licking his balls AND HE SWEARS IT’S A TRUE STORY but he doesn’t want to tell his girlfriend cause he kinda enjoyed it and didn’t try to stop the whole thing. Next we heard from a guy who was dating a virgin who didn’t want to fuck until marriage so he banged her best friend on her birthday. Then there was a dude who got his beer stolen in the high school locker room so he pissed in the dude’s shampoo. After that we heard from a bartender who banged a married lady who was going through a divorce and might have made a baby with her but he can’t be sure cause he doesn’t remember if he shot a load or not. Finally, we heard from a fellow who kept his old phone in his bathroom for playing sudoku on the john, but also had it set up as a motion detector camera so that he can record his wife fiddling the bean when she takes a bath. Voyeurism!!! The guys invited WILSON back in to give more details on his littering arrest, cause that shit is the kind of thing that only happens to black people in the 1950’s, and definitely not a white guy in a progressive state like ours in this day and age. The guys discussed for a while whether secretly filming your partner in their most self-intimate moments is a bad thing, and basically as long as it’s someone really close to you it shouldn’t be a big deal, but definitely not OK to do to your buddies or your sister. Shitting would be less of a problem to film than masturbating, so that opens up your options a bit, but still, just be sure you and whoever you’re filming are open and honest about your logs. So, back to Pendarvis getting racially profiled by a shitty cop, the reason he got a ticket for littering was because he tore up a receipt in a fit of modern day paranoia and somehow that enormously pissed off the cop that saw him doing it so he got a fine and community service for being an unreasonably nervous citizen of the digital age. And in a live performance that was probably missed by everyone, Wilson Pendarvis the Third was cleaning up trash on the sidewalks of Hollywood all day on Saturday. The guys tried to find some angle where this ticket actually makes sense not to resist, but given the way police have been acting lately, I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to poke the bear without a well appointed “us taxpayers won’t be taking your bullshit” type mob backing me up, which is hard to find cause the kind of people who would fight cops in the street usually aren’t taxpayers. There was more talk of how this particular cop is probably just pissed cause shit isn’t working out like all those action movies he’s been indoctrinated with and he’s THIS FUCKING CLOSE to being suspended for numerous citizen complaints, so he was probably just being a dick because the universe keeps kicking him in the balls and he unwittingly invites it by acting like an asshole. A lawyer called in to tell Pendarvis that he’s a bitch for not tacking that ticket and bitch slapping the officer with it, because it really is the most frivolous and pointless waste of public funds to continue employing that fucktard and it should be made as clear and public as possible. Another cop called in to tell him that he only got the ticket for having a shitty faux-hawk and googly eyes. Cumtard stepped in to tell the guys that when he got his jaywalking tickets he went to court on one of them and he got it thrown out cause even the cops know that some shit is too petty to bother showing up to court for and all they’re hoping is that you’re a bitch who won’t bother knowing your rights and making it a drain on others for cops to be idiots and not solve real crimes. Hot Dog never has to deal with the cops cause he’s too doughy and lovable, so it’s hard to consider him a menace to anything for jaywalking or tossing a cigarette butt. A male nurse in Croatia has been collecting the cocks of the dead for quite a while now, and was finally sussed out by the cops and is gonna have to… do something about it, cause postmortem castration is a shitty thing to do. Cumtard insisted that he’s heard of this happening here in the developed world but he can’t find a YouTube link so the jury is still out on it. The guys took some final calls as they’re known to do, and it was friendly and not fucking stupid, as they’re known to be. Oxycottin John called in too, and he’s doing good, so shout the mother fuck out. And now, I have to get back to my real job, insulting telemarketers until they kill themselves and wrangling cats.


Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,