DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA REALLY WANT THE TRUTH!!! DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH!!! HE AIN’T JACK THE RIPPER HE’S YOUR ORDINARY CROOK!!! CALLIN’ MAXWELL MURDER FOR YOOOOOOUUU!!!! Fuck, if the date was only a couple digits different, we could call it Rancid day and have punks across the land starting mosh pits in the most unexpected and inappropriate places and situations. Or even better, revive the little known British punk band 999 and make catchy melodic songs about cheating girlfriends and a strong belief in the theory of homicide. Whatever though, it’s Tuesday and I’ve only got less than three weeks before I hit the road up north to the land of moose cum slurpees and a thousand recipes for poutine! I’m fucking excited, how about you? I’m gonna make the stupidest, drain on society anchor baby you fuckers have ever seen! But before that, let’s talk about the Jason Ellis show, cause that’s what’s happening live in the here and now several hours ago by the time this recap actually makes it to its published stage of existence cause I have a day job and constantly have to pause the show to answer the phone or play psychiatrist to someone with automotive troubles and I’ll probably be listening to more than half of the show later this evening with the on-demand function of the SiriusXM online player! Today got rolling with what seemed to be more intro music than normal, but I did have to pause a million times and didn’t want to fast forward in case I missed the opening and then had to hear Holy Diver again. After that though, Jason got to talking about how coffee is just wonderful, and I agree and when I’m done with this recap I’ll be freebasing Folgers so that I can stay up late and clean my apartment. Jude was in studio to chop it up with the guys today. Jude was watching some glory hole porn and came to the realization that the people on the business end are probably bashing their faces against the wall a lot more than your average person might realize. Jason is on antibiotics right now cause of dog blood shit SARS cancer, which sucks cause he just got off of all the blood thinners from the heart surgery and it has just been a chemical fueled nightmare for The Wing without the awesome side effects of actually getting high. The guys discussed how proper animal husbandry and science kind of requires you to stop letting dogs lick your face cause they do a wide range of horrible things with those mouths at all times of day. Also, probably a good idea to chase down your hairless cat and dunk it in a sink full of Purell from time to time cause they’re terrible at cleaning themselves. Luckily, the pain of their pestilence is all in your head, but unfortunately the bleeding rectum is entirely real. Jason also had a really good therapy session last night which brings us to Jude’s fucked up evil psychology. He’s an awesome dude, and he’s got his ways of working through things that are just different. Jude has been trying to find a lady worth keeping around longer than a few good fuck sessions lately and it’s kind of seeming like it’s going good for him and we’re glad to hear it. The only thing fucking up his crusade is the fact that pussy is fantastic and sometimes it’s the only thing that’s gonna satisfy the beast within. Tully on the other hand is happily married and hiding his alcoholism very well from his loved ones so that he can keep up the facade of some level of contentment with reality. Jude had a hookup session with a random the other night and after the deed was done she started making every kind of excuse imaginable not to leave, like that she was too drunk (and then took another drink) and that she needed someone to feed her children and pay her car note cause she sure as fuck ain’t about to. Somehow or another, the guys tried to draft Cumtard into getting his dick sucked by a man for science but the guys couldn’t agree on an acceptable ratio of beard mouth to smooth mouth for Cumtard’s liking, plus insertion on the radio is still against the rules so that got put on the back burner for now. SiriusXM has just started running the bumpers of FACTION: With Jason Ellis and Jason got a little uppity about it at first since he didn’t get to hear them first, but after hearing them he’s fine with it and didn’t have to hear Dingo call it Vegemite radio, so that kind of worked out for everybody. Since they are kind of stock though, Jason decided to crank out a few of his own using some of the classic sound bites that haven’t been taken off the button bar yet, like some Bruce Lee clips and various tortures and loud noises and exercising female grunts and Rude Jude speaking high pitched for no clear reason at all. WILSON stepped in to chat with the guys about the rollicking success of the Friday hotel show, and Cumtard let everybody know that he can’t do yoga cause those videos just eventually turn into porn in his mind and he opts to release the pressure in his doom spigot rather than attaining nirvana. Jason floated the idea of the drunken porn star workout which would basically (hopefully) convince guys looking for spank material to end up exercising instead. Wilson added that each DVD could have each different type of porn lady, like tattooed girls, blondes, BBW’s, well hung trannies, et-cetera. Tully ordered a pay-per-view wank movie from his cable company and found that the experience was fucking terrible and Comcast has shitty streaming speeds and doesn’t come anywhere close to the quality and customer service of the internet and it’s endless treasure trove of carnal extreme sports. The guys played with the buttons a little more to find more sound drops that would work for FACTION: With Jason Ellis bumpers and it was just as much fun as all the other times they’ve revisited the old stuff on the button bar. It’s like visiting that old friend that sold you your first shot of smack back in junior high, only now he’s all about the designer drugs. Jude had never taken a trip down memory lane on the button bar so it seemed like a real treat for him to catch up on all the things he might have missed from precious moments passed. Unfortunately, he had to step out to go do his real job, but he did remind everybody that he did the ALS ice bucket challenge, and it’s on YouTube so if you want to laugh like an autistic howler monkey, go check it out. The guys took a break and let Lane Staley do the talking for a few minutes so they could figure out what the hell to do with the rest of our afternoons.
Hey, did you know Joanna Angel has her own radio show as well? It’s on Vivid Radio on SiriusXM and also at some other website too. She’s also got a call screener named Sapphire cause I mean, c’mon, you know what that lady does for a living? Of course Sapphire works on her radio show. So anyways, the guys called in to Lewd, Screwed and Tattooed which normally tends to be live phone sex (if I’m understanding the premise correctly)and chopped it up with Joanna for a bit and did a bit of show promo as well cause it’s all about folks helping each other out over at SiriusXM. When the guys got on air Joanna was talking to somebody about a tattooed Little Mermaid and how her and her female friend/co-host? need to bring a vibrator next time they see that lady. But then they put Ellis through and complimented his show and penis. They also contributed some of the most terrifying and hilarious porn-centric conversation that has probably ever been on Joanna’s show, and that’s saying something. Jason also explained how to get around that no insertion rule by jerking off the pussy the way Nina Hartley taught the guys to do that one time. Joanna also alluded to the fact that she will be smashing Katie’s box at some point in the future and I can’t think of anybody who’s not happy about that. In case you missed it on Instagram, Joanna stayed to hang out after the hotel show on Friday along with a bunch of the other ladies who were there and they all had a massive Greek orgy that would put the actual Greeks to shame. Or maybe Joanna was joking and everybody just got shit-hammered for two days cause sometimes that’s just what you need to do, but whatever the case, a good time was had by all. Some dude called in to say that Joanna has a “gorgeous meaty cunt” cause us dudes are disgusting, but no lie you ladies are too, although she was able to diffuse the use of the word cunt and get a fan to do some sort of favor so she would show her box on twitter. The guys let Joanna get back to work cause they had their own stuff to do, but they were very happy to talk to the Little Sister of the Jason Ellis Show. Remember that Ray Rice guy who should have slipped in to obscurity? Well, not more than a day has gone by and he’s back in the news again because of a lot of people’s reactions in the media, namely, Dean Cain!!! Cause fuck everything, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT DEAN CAIN THINKS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!! And of course in another SHOCKING display of what a pointless organization the tax exempt NFL is, coach Ditka chimed in that it was probably just a mistake on Ray’s part. Ray Rice’s wife chimed in on the whole situation and it’s hard for me to gauge whether or not she’s got permanent victim status etched into her psyche or if they’re actually moving on as a couple and don’t need the outside world’s opinion. The guys took some calls on the topic and it seems that the wife is blaming herself for everything and if it didn’t kind of sicken me how much we glorify people for all the wrong reasons in this society, I could form a much deeper opinion on all this, but long story short if you get in an argument keep your hands to yourself and hey what ever happened to dude am I a slut? Jason just said he’s kinda over it for now, might bring it back later but no particular plans to do so at the moment. The guys talked MMA for a bit, as they’re known to do from time to time. Jason finally got to catch up on all the fights he missed over the weekend and just had to dissect everything with the reasonable mind of Tully there to bounce everything off of. After all that, the guys took a break to set up some torture with a couple new acquaintances.
Don’t forget, unsigned bands is coming back soon, so send in your shitty sound clips for public ridicule. Two 90 year old lesbians got married after being with each other for 72 years cause I guess ladies really can’t let a grudge die or something like that. The guys brought in a couple of folks for a new game they cooked up called Pain for Plugs where people can come in and get free advertising in exchange for being attacked by squirrels or molesting themselves with an eel or whatever the hell else Jason can think of. The first guy they brought in was a proper Australian who’s got a business in So-cal selling proper Australian meat pies. He had to stick his hand in a box full of angry lizards and snakes but it sounds like he’s got a quality product and you should all go find a Pie Not meat pie and get it up ya. We also got a lesson about meat pies and how 7-11 in Australia sells them instead of hot dogs, but they’re essentially the same quality of instant food product substitute that’s only fit for human consumption when one is drunk to the point of openly shoplifting pre-heated processed white flour and grade D meat filling from a 7-11. After the meat pie guy, the boys took a break to regroup and clean up all the snake piss and blood that no doubt will haunt the new studio for years to come.
Tully found an advice column online called Dear Prudence and the guys decided to give their own take on some of the questions that people were asking. One guy sent in a letter saying that his wife’s sex drive had disappeared and he might have accidentally made a joke about giving his wife a knockout drug to get in her vajayjay and she said “well, since I don’t really want to have to look at your grotesque O-face ever again, sure, why the fuck not?” which no doubt would surprise anyone. Needless to say, it really begs the question, would you want to bang unconscious people? Or be unconscious while getting your vaj blown apart? The guys took some phone calls on whether or not there was anything the slightest bit okay about this and it continued to remind me that not all people are bad but there are people who are all bad all the time. It’s fair to note though, that having sex with an unconscious person will require a lot of lube unless she wakes up and actually starts enjoying it halfway through. A guy called in to thank Jason for helping him get off heroin and get away from gypsies cause you really can’t trust those mother fuckers, but probably not as much as you can’t trust a heroin addict, so win win for that guy and society at large. A lady called in to tell her experience with knocked out boot knockin’ and after her doctor prescribed her ambien she was having half awake dream sex with her man and it was fucking amazing but didn’t feel entirely real to her which seems to be the only downside to it but still possibly a workable angle if you’re in a committed honest arrangement with someone. The guys suggested that the next time it happens she should film it, cause couples that do home made porn together tend to have a lot of fun with it. It’s still pretty much agreed though, fucking the dead or otherwise incapacitated is just fucked up and weird and is a pleasure only reserved for politicians and the criminally insane. You could make a seriously awesome puppet show out of your lover’s carcass though, that’s always a recipe for fun. Tully decided to make a list of things to compare to each other, specifically which of each category is more metal. It begs one to wonder, are kittens or puppies more metal? Obviously kittens because they are miniaturized condensed evil, whereas puppies are wonderful. What about diarrhea or vomit? I mean, shitting blood is metal, as has been proven by Slipknot Cereal, but vomiting can happen for so many reasons as can diarrhea and those reasons can be equally not metal. Just to step up the question though, blood diarrhea or blood vomit? Diarrhea takes the win on this one cause a stream of blood flowing from one’s rectum is really the makings of an incredibly metal concept album. Next, Sinatra or Elvis? Sure, Sinatra smacked bitches and sang songs for the mob, but Elvis died eating fried chicken on the toilet. So, penis or vagina, which is more metal? This one was tough cause vaginas have evil inside of them and bleed for days on end, but penises are the more skull crushing aggressors in most situations. Golf or tennis? There was that one tennis player who did meth and had the craziest professional mullet ever, but Jason mentioned some golfer who apparently won and I didn’t catch the reason why. Next up, chainsaws or sawed off shotguns? As a lifelong devotee of the Evil Dead franchise and hopeful future adopted son of Bruce Campbell, I am satisfied with either answer cause he had both and he was cleaning up shop like a fucking boss in the backwoods of Michigan and medieval Britain. After that, Metallica or Slayer? Slayer just slightly won this one cause they’re not as popular and homeboy really can’t sing for shit and they’ve kept it that way for 30 years on purpose. Mexico or Canada? Well, Mexico has a lot more evil mythical creatures and free health care is the most anti-hesher social policy in existence. Heroin or Cocaine? Well, heroin is too much of a downer to get up and rage but cocaine keeps you angry paranoid and energetic for hours and hours of thrashing. Cancer or Heart disease? Well, cancer has no cure and erodes the body from the inside out and replicates as the most unacceptable lumps and lesions a human body can suffer, so cancer for the win! And while we’re talking diseases, The Plague or flesh eating bacteria? Plague definitely sounds more metal and it’s been around for hundreds of years. Piranha or giant squid? Squids are kind of pussies, so it’s obviously the murderous piranha. Competitive eating or parkour? Well, you can eat yourself to death and explode on the crowd in a shower of blood and feces, but nothing like that will ever happen in parkour. Wolves or sharks? I’ll give you a minute……
Wolves. Wolves are a cohesive unit, sharks are not that coordinated in their slaughter. Boulders or steel? Cocaine comes in boulders so that’s the winner. Darth Vader or the pope? Darth Vader is black and tortures people, but the pope? I mean, holy fuck the pope! He’s been the ruler of centuries of the most horrifying atrocities the world has ever seen and they’re continuing to this day AND IT’S NOT A FICTIONAL STORY (except that whole bible thing he writes his speeches from). Rainbows or unicorns? A horse with a horn can commit murder with the right rider on it’s back, so that’s that. Barney the dinosaur or Spongebob Squarepants? Barney is obviously some type of incredible sexual deviant that might have a few juvenile murders under his belt, but Spongebob is a sponge and his hands could barely meet over the top of his head, so you decide. Pirates or clowns? I haven’t seen a news report in this century about a pirate cannibalizing children, BUT CLOWNS HAVE! But then again, pirates do fuck shit up pretty hard to in their own right, so it may be too close to call. Burial or cremation? Well, fire gets you closer to Satan so cremation it is. And to trump that, what if it’s done to you while you’re still alive? STILL CREMATION!!! Vampires or werewolves? Vampires are too well groomed whereas werewolves are grimey and tortured and destroy everywhere they go. Spiders or snakes? Cold blood wins. Tampons or adult diapers? Well, that all depends whether or not you’re shitting blood. Freddy or Jason? Freddy is too much of a jester, Jason was just a misunderstood kid with a serial killer mom who decided to take over the family business when he returned from the dead. Steven Segal or Jean-Claud Van Damme? Segal did have that sex dungeon, but Van Damme kickboxed a guy with broken glass glued to his fingers in an underground dojo. Prison or Sea World? Prison, think back to sharks. Judas Priest or Iron Maiden? Buttfucking wins over bangs. Snow White or the Little Mermaid? Ariel was too slutty to be metal and Snow White definitely did a seven midget gang bang in the woods fucked up on the LSD found in many types of mold, like you might get on an apple. And finally, Dave Mustaine or Jimi Hendrix? Getting off alcohol is not metal enough, but he did get kicked out of Metallica which is pretty metal. The guys took a breather after all that metal to play us all some metal.
You know about fashion week, right? A few years ago, Hole played fashion week and they stiffed a guy on his bill to film them so he decided years later to release the footage of Courtney Love’s isolated vocals and guitar and much like that isolated track of Britney Spears, it shows a level of talent reserved for the mentally incapacitated or victims of severe brain trauma. If you didn’t catch it yesterday, The show is going to New York to do a bunch of radio and the debut performance of Horse Force and also play cricket against whoever decides to show up. That’s all gonna be happening next month though, so let your boss know you’re gonna be calling in sick of their bullshit on the appropriate day in October. Jason played some of the raw audio of all the girls working out on Friday which really did sound like a massive Greek orgy so I guess mission accomplished. The guys took some final calls and stuff as their known to do, plus I have too much delay on the on-demand left to finish listening before Wednesday’s show comes on live and delaying this for four hours when it’s probably gonna be bullshit anyways is just ridiculous, so sit back and enjoy and fist yourself with a slow hand.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,