Tag Archives: Jaden Smith

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013

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rawdogs_not_there_intro_change

Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.

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Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.

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Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:

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Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

  • Best Religion: Scientology
  • Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
  • Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
  • Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
  • Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
  • Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
  • Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
  • Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
  • Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
  • Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
  • The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
  • Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
  • Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
  • Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
  • “Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
  • Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
  • Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
  • Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
  • Man of the Year: Chris Brown
bless_this_post

Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/16/2013

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cyanide_wrecking_ball

Frank’s dream is to re-make Miley’s Wrecking Ball video.

It’s Monday, and you know what that means! Time to wipe the shit off your lower lip and act like an adult in front your peers. It’s also time to pretend all those things you did on the weekend never actually happened. Wilson is still traveling that stinky shithole we all couldn’t wait to leave, going to Pink Floyd concerts, and getting terrible haircuts. Dingo is here though, he also left a stinky shithole, but he has lovely locks. Frank DeCaro came on the show right from the start, he has no hair, and I don’t think he has any plans to leave his husband’s stinky shithole. HEYOH! Frank has lost a child. In weight, not an actual child. He also went to Alaska and walked and stuff because he’s feeling more energized after dropping 30 pounds of homogenized fat. Ellis told Frank he’d send a boner picture to him if he lost another 30 pounds, Frank upped the bet by saying 40 pounds if there’s a tiny dribble of pre-cum on tip. I felt dirty and used just typing that. Dingo’s footsie coach in school said if you laid back and couldn’t see your pubes, you were overweight. This led the guys to think Dingo’s coach should likely be in jail, but he’s not. He’s still out there talking about pubes to young boys and his scientific method of measuring if you’re overweight or not. Speaking of pubes, Frank asked if Ellis had grown back his red pubes yet, Dingo quickly answered for Ellis – so what today must have been spa day for the two.

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Rawdog at space camp.

Ellis is not a whale, but if he was a whale, he’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal his children from him. He also talked to Slash this morning and might have convinced him to come on the show again. Rawdog went to another hockey game with his girlfriend and they left about halfway through to meet up with his dad who was there covering the Emmy’s or some shit. Dingo made it sound like he was there watching them fuck in the crowd, but no. It was nothing like that. Everyone except Dingo thought the Mayweather vs Alvaraz fight sucked and El Diablo Blanco lost that fight, so who cares about the fight or what celebrities attended it. There was a shitload of talk about Justin Bieber because he was at the fight, but I completely blanked, I’m Bieber’d out. People died today after at least 1 gunman shot 11 other people at the Washington Navy Yard. There could be another gunman at large, deets are sketch, yo. So yeah, that sucks. Crazy shithouse people and their crazy asshole ways make for a crazy fuckhole of a world for the rest of us. Dingo has the Swiss Franc symbol tattooed on his arm for no apparent good reason other than his friend did it. Tully’s wife it totally dude friendly, they spent the weekend watching The Expendables 2, watching the Mayweather fight, and watching the Packer’s game – all of which was her idea. Apparently there’s a news story going around about Donald Schultz being charged with allegedly & illegally selling lizards.

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Too much Bieber gives me a headache.

A little bit of dream talk. Dingo has dreamed a lot about having his teeth fall out and apparently that’s a pretty common dream, along with punching or running in slow motion in your dreams. Rawdog has dreamed a lot about falling and he wakes up just before he hits, like most children have dreamed. Tully recently dreamed about Justin Bieber and how they were old friends and they just wanted to get away from the crowds and go get a drink together, which should tell you something about Tully and scare the fuck out of you. And Ellis recently dreamed about his dad’s pale, dead body being wrapped in a sheet and in bed next to him. This lead into another fucking round of Justin Bieber talk. What. The. Fuck. I zoned out again because fuck that kid for being the topic of discussion not only once, but twice in an hour and half on the show I love. Thankfully the show went into break and stopped the Bieber shit.

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A PSA should you have a need to collect your $1 million you won from a dice game.

We came from break with Hollywood news and I shit you not. And if I hear anything about Bieber, I’m going to make you all pay by scraping the recap and talking only about the potential presence of ancient aliens and Stonehenge. Some dude at a Beyoncé show pulled her off stage and into the crowd, she didn’t even give a rats ass. Ellis thinks Beyoncé is the greatest performer alive, Rawdog thinks Kanye is, and Dingo flipped the fuck out over the Beyoncé stance as he thinks Lady Gaga is the best, and Tully had to preemptively hush Dingo after he tried to hush him. So who is the greatest entertainer? I don’t fuckin’ know man, what the hell kind of loaded question is that? Carlos Santana crashed into a parked car in Las Vegas and he wasn’t even drunk, so it must have been a black magic woman. Hulk Hogan was in an accident, on a boat, and he had a boo-boo with some blood. Jaden Smith went on an anti-education tirade on Twitter, and clearly his 15-year-old ass smarter than everyone else’s so Stephen Hawking can suck it, man. P Diddy lost 1 million green backs to Rick Ross in a game of dice and he don’t give a shit about it, so suck his dick, bitch. Some chick born in America and is of Indian descent (dot, not feather) chick won the Miss America title and people are getting their white people underwear in a knot about it because they’re racist as fuck. Also, don’t read anything into that “dot, not feather” thing above, that was meant as a joke – you honky-ass cracker. HEYOH!

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Kids? Sure! Love ’em! Taste great & less filling!

Rawdog is starting to make some changes to get in shape for his fight with Nick Swardson. What has he been doing to train? Lifting kettle bells again, cutting out a nugget or two from his diet, and forcing a green drink down every so often. Ellis has been provoking both Nick and Rawdog, so now Nick is looking to have Rampage or David Spade corner for him at EllisMania 9. This brought us to only second break in three hours because there’s too much show! This also brought me to mere minutes away from my gloriously shitty drive home in traffic, look at me go! No where. Insanely slow. Coming back, we had some clown news. First up, there are photos of a dude in Northampton freaking out people with his creepy clown behavior and nobody knows what the fuck is up his clown antics. Next up, you can hire a creepy clown to stalk and terrorize your children by sending them threatening texts and shit, what could possibly go wrong? And lastly, apparently the classic clown was a parody of the stereotypical Irish immigrants with big red noses and shitty clothes. Take that, ya drunken lushes! Only 3 breaks were taken today, showing that there sometimes truly is too much show and also showing how good the guys are. That’s a lot of radio without a break and isn’t easy to do. So shout out to the fellas for being sick cunts! I tried to call in as Jesus, stoked because he was the 47th caller. It turned out like shit, my phone kept cutting out, people couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear them. So sorry about that! But as The Lord, I’ma let you in on a little secret… How do I know the apostles were Mexican? There were twelve and they all traveled around in one accord. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/15/2013

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europeans

Who’s more annoying? This European man or Dom? NYA presents, you make the call!

Hello, my name is bitPimps and I’ll be your captain today. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of fuck your mother, our travel time is whenever we fucking get there, so sit back, relax, and whip your tits out. Sounds like Tully’s wife is a champion swearer. She likes dropping the F bomb around the house like some oil rig worker… on an oil rig and stuff. Burger Ellis has a shitting problem, like a bad one. He shit on his own ass, leg, and it got on Big Daddy Jayce Cakes’ fresh out of the package shirt! Dom got a bit of a ass chewing today for being 2 weeks late with some props for the punishment envelopes and for having excuses worse than what a 6 year-old could make up. He said it was because he’s working on getting a budget for the mostly free things on his list, and waiting on Sirius for a whopping $150 bucks. I’ll have to admit, emailing corporate for $150 looks pretty fucking dumb, but what the hell do I know. If you had to get a skin graft on your nose, where would you want the skin harvested from your body to re-create your nose? Rawdog chooses ass, Ellis chooses the inside of his leg, and I’m choosing the bottom of my foot because that sounds gnarly.

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Stop eyeballing me, son!

Will came in with a jolly “hi” and to play some “you sir, are a moron” and have a few yuks. What is the minimum amount of showers a person can take in a week and it be acceptable? Maybe not so surprisingly, Rawdog thinks you can get away with a shower every other day, and he’s got the ball stink to prove it. What about spray tans? Everyone seems to be in agreement that the sun is better, men should never do it, and women can get away with a touch-up here and there. But that shit better be in small amounts and good enough that people don’t know it’s spray-on tan. Of the seven deadly sins, which is the worst? Who the fuck knows, none of them agreed. What is the best way to get out of a speeding ticket? Be apologetic and polite. If you had to get rid of a dead body, who on the show staff would you call? Everybody chose Ellis, without hesitation. And who is the last person associated with the show that you’d call to help get rid of a dead body? Once again, without hesitation, everyone agreed Rawdog – you’re better off just calling the police. Do you ever feel bad about killing an insect? Rawdog says no. Ellis has before. And Tully doesn’t just doesn’t give a shit. What is the most uncool musical instrument? Easy, a harp, and of course Rawdog had an “awesome” song ready to listen to. What’s the sexiest piece of clothing a woman can wear? Boy shorts & my dick. What country has the worst food? Rawdog doesn’t like Mexican food, Ellis doesn’t like fast food. But let’s just any place that serves raw squid and shit like that. What is the world’s most annoying sound? Ellis says Dom, just him existing. Rawdog says nails on a chalkboard. Tully says the sound of people eating. What is the most annoying accent? German, Canadian, and that super twangy Asian accent. Who is the creepiest celebrity in history? Charlie Sheen took the prize, with R. Kelly and Hugh Hefner as close runner’s up.

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David Bowie is pleased to hear this.

In odd things to fuck news, some dude in Sweden was found dead because he tried fucking a hornets nest. Some dude from South Dakota was arrested for masturbating in someone’s backyard, and they found tapes of him fucking traffic signs. Some dude in England was arrested after people saw him having sex with a post lamp. And to top it all off, some dude in Hong Kong was fucking a hole in a metal park bench, he got his dick stuck and had to be rescued. They tried to use needles to drain the blood from his still erect dick, it didn’t work so they had to cut away parts of the bench to get this crazy bench fucker to the hospital. Hollywood news time, Tupac hologram has been shot! Nah, just kidding. That was a Tully joke. This years Rock The bells festival will feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Eazy-E holograms, word on the streets is there will be a cease fire between the holograms. Andy Dick and Jennifer Gimenez have been dating for a couple months and she swears he is not gay, even though he admitted on the show that he was dating guys exclusively previous to his current relationship. A Taylor Swift fan was arrested after swimming up to her Rhode Island beach house, actually about a mile away from her house, but whatever – he got arrested. Kim Kardashian bought Kayne and $750k Lamborghini, and then the electric gate at her house closed on the car before it could be delivered. Neener-neener-neener! Jaden Smith doesn’t want an emancipation from his parents, he’ll live there until he’s old enough to buy his own house, which I’m guessing he’s waiting to turn 16 for. Angelina Jolie said she will now have her ovaries removed as a precautionary measure, making her one step closer to a Terminator. Rod Stewart said steroids made his pee-pee shrink, no word on what’s up with his face though. Metallica, taking a page out of Katy Perry’s playbook, has a 3D movie coming out called “Through the Never.” It’s part concert film, part movie, and all out fucking metal stupid. Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine donated $70M for a new USC academy, leaving one to wonder if the Dr. Dre wing of the dorms will be like Compton.

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Better recognize, bitch!

Hey, are you fat? Good news, just eat insects and you’ll be A-Okay! Ladies and gentleman, we have started our decent, please get on your knees, open your mouth, and stare up at me with a look of longing. Anal Gay-Lewis, who is a sultry 21 years-old, got given a test of how much 90’s knowledge he had. Turns out, more than anyone thought! Although he didn’t know what group/s Eazy-E was in, or what Milli Vanilli is most famous for, he did know who Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez was and most of the other questions. With this knowledge, it landed him the producer spot and quickly began to bark orders for Dom to go get him an iced coffee and pizza. And just as quickly as he became producer, he was then fired and set back to intern status after not listening, at all really, to Ellis. This pretty much led us into final calls and few other tiny morsels, but nothing all that noteworthy. But, before you de-board the plane, make sure you pick up all your fucking shit and shit, because my drunk ass will be banging the shit out of the hot stewardess that’s been flirting with all flight and I don’t want any interruptions! So now, I’ll leave you with this little bit of knowledge. How do you know when a girl is too young? When you have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/18/13

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What’s love got to do, got to do with it?  With that, welcome to another Thursday edition of Thunder Dome with your host Tina Turner a.k.a Ellis.  Yeah, I don’t get it either, too deep for me.  Speaking of too deep, Tully apparently got a little too deep this morning while digging in his ass, just after taking a nice shit mind you, and on his finger was some liquidy substance.  Unfortunately it wasn’t shit like we all had hoped, but blood is pretty fucking Red Dragons I’d say and that’s what was on Tully’s finger when he pulled back.  After a thorough review, he determined the blood was in fact not from his deuce in the commode, but rather from his ass cheek.  And thus begins today’s show, what is bleeding on Tully’s ass, call 855-355-4741 now and give us your thoughts.  But please spare me the immediate need to rush to the hospital as it is both necessary and obvi!  Let’s just focus on the potential para-rectal cyst lying deep in his ass tissue.  Did you know this same scenario happened to Rawdog recently, but turned out he just ate some Doritos, DING!  Thankfully Rude Jude stopped by to help us get off Tully’s ass, and focus on the real matter at hand….washing your hands.  As Jude puts it, wash your hands so you don’t pass second hand dick – Good shit Jude!  Jude taught us all about black hair care and what a weave cap is.  He also said Lord Sears is working hard on staying awake, making it most of the show yesterday which also included Adam Carolla.  “A Tree doesn’t get mad if you call it a bush.  It knows its a tree!” – Rude Jude.   Not sure how to transition from that to chics leaving snail trails and being proud of it, but it happens and I’m sure it somewhere on Vine.  Of course, thats not to be confused with your Happy Trail, or Treasure Trail, or finally Hairway to Heaven!

 

Not sure I like where this is going....

Not sure I like where this is going….

 

Remember yesterday’s World’s Greatest Wednesday, well today’s just as good to finish it up.  It was to find out who or what is, the World’s Greatest Way to humiliate a snail down in Flo-Rida.  Yeah so we just went through all the nominees:

Rawdog betray the snails for a bagel and crucify them

Make snails have gay sex and make fun of them

Cook snails in beer and feed them to other snails

Make them listen to Accidental Racist (Don’t click it)

Beat the snails with Ellis’s PETA award

Put Offspring and Jeff Hardy stickers on their shells

Send them into space on balloons with Death!Death!Die! stickers for promotional purposes

Cum on a snail

Make them drunk driving monster trucks

Use a potato gun to shoot snails at other snails

Have Rawdog posterize dunk on a snail

Make the snails preform parkour

Make the snails preform the Mega Ramp

Surround them with a ring of salt, and a ring of beer outside of that

Spray them with Axe body spray, when their about the get laid, set them on fire

Drag them behind trucks

Dress them as the Statue of Liberty and make them spin signs on the street corner

Give the snails all white boy cornrows

(And some late additions to yesterday’s list, which by the way has a few removed that Ellis ditched prior to voting)…….

Put snails on Jiffy Pop and put them in the microwave

Tie Snails to both ends of a battery and make them touch to get zapped

Pull the snail’s dick out and pour salt on it, the “Salt Peter”

So that’s the list, can’t really do shit about it now but so you knew who or what was even available.  Oh, and Rawdog only smoked like 3 or 4 times in college.

 

Rawdog's new night spot coming soon!

Rawdog’s new night spot coming soon!

 

Hollywood News bitches, and what other bitch but Kim Kardashian to start us off with her divorce of Kris Humphries and how it may be finally happening.  Remember the dude Finch from American Pie, the one that banged Stifler’s mom, yeah well some one night stand didn’t want to leave last night, and well check this shit out!  Serena Williams was strutting that ass in Miami and DAMN!   Adele turned down a million bucks cause she still got more life to live, for real for real.  Did you know Jennifer Aniston has been cupping, or better yet do you even know what the fuck that means?  If oyu answered No, fuck yeah homie!  Well Gwyneth Paltrow used to do it, and Tully hates that bitch, so you should too – remember that’s fuck Gwyneth Paltrow kids!  Jaden Smith says that Obama told him Aliens were true.  And thus concludes today’s Hollywood News, so now just back to how German dudes thought black dudes coudln’t beat them in sports until Jessie Owens and Joe Lewis kinda fucked all that up for them.  From there it was Jackie Robinson and white dudes figured out that when the monies on the line, always listen to Wesley Snipes.  Did you know that Michael Jackson stole the moonwalk from some dude who was a Solid Gold Dancer?  Did you give a shit that Fergie is trying to vogue or some shit?  No you didn’t, but I bet you do give a shit about this two on two MMA fighting over in Russia!  Dom, fuck my bad, Lil’ Bane was out and about the streets of Hollywood yesterday allegedly saying Justin Bieber had been killed by Nazi’s for his Anne Frank comments the other day.  Since Lil’ Bane produces The Jason Ellis Show, he had a tape record on him, and we all got to listen to people’s reactions.  People such as some old lady who swallowed the microphone and some dude who already knew about it before Lil’ Bane told him.  Batman actually spoke and gave his regards to Beiber’s mom.  Finally some Australian dude was propsitioned mon, “Fuck the Cunt, I shoulda killed him”.  He’s getting better folks, hell of a job Dom!

 

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….Mon!

 

News from a Dolphin, my favorite shit might I add, about some lady who cut off her husband’s dick cause he was fucking an old girlfriend or some shit.  But enough of that, lets get down to some real business.  All show Ellis n Tully sprinkled in some shots at Rawdog about basketball and getting a game together.  Well it will be sometime tomorrow morning, with Rawdog trying to make 3 out of 10 layups, and also a two on two game between Ellis N Tully verse Will and Dom.  Unfortunately tickets aren’t for sale, but how fucking sweet would it be to see this.  Just make sure to listen tomorrow for what happens.  Kinda like yesterday, when you had to tune in tomorrow which is today, to find out who or what is the World’s Greatest way to humiliate a snail.  Well folks, here’s your top ten:

10 – Put Offspring and Ed Hardy stickers on the snail’s shells

9  – Beat snails with Ellis’s PETA award

8  – Send snails into space with balloons to promote Death! Death! Die!

7  – Make snail parkour videos

6  – Dress the snails as The Statue Of Liberty and make them spin signs on a street corner

5  – Pull the snail’s dick out and our salt on it

4  – Put them inside a circle of salt, surrounded by a circle of beer

3  – Spray them with Axe body spray, and as they’re about the get fucked, set them on fire

2  – Have Rawdog betray the snail’s for some bagels, and crucify them

1  – Have Rawdog posterize them

Hey don’t look at me, you fuckers voted on this shit.  Seems pretty accurate to me though, cause having The Illusionist dunk over you and see it on your bedroom wall is some fucked up shit.  But no where as fucked up as the last episode of Suck My Dick with Will and Lil’ Bane, where Thunderballs and I took turns cupping your grandma’s ass while we moon walked all over her pussay, OH!