Tag Archives: Hyena

Meeting My Man Crush- Diary of a Fangirl

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This is the worst pic of me ever...but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

This is the worst pic of me ever…but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

It’s been a couple of days since I got to go to SiriusXM in Manhattan and hang out with Rude Jude and to be completely honest…I am still in complete superhappygiddysillybitch mode and am currently spending my days half spaced out reliving the entire experience. From declaring him my #mcm to finding out he was in The City (because that’s what we call it in New York- it’s The City, not New York City) to the DM sesh that held the invite of a lifetime to trudging through the gray slurpee (that’s all Jude btw) that Manhattan is in a snow storm, being on The All Out Show, and hanging with Jude and Hubbs afterward…it was one of the best nights of my life!! No exaggeration. I know of precious few other situations where I could have freezing, soaking wet feet for 8 hours and not even think about being cranky over it.

Where to begin?!?!?!?! In proper story-telling style, and in order to fill in the blanks for those of you who may have not been following the saga (wtf is wrong with you for not examining my life under a microscope, by the way), I will start from the beginning. I was born in 1987…just kidding, really bad joke, I know, but see above re: superhappygiddysillybitch mode.

I first realized I had a crush on Jude over the summer. I didn’t think of it as any big thing, because I like to think of myself as a grown up and everything…but then Jack the Cunt was premiered on TJES and I was basically done for. Or so I thought. Thennnn…I found out Mr. Jude Angelini penned a book by the name of Hyena, which I read (allegedly 4 times to date), and I was truly done for. I smile like an idiot every Tuesday when he is on the show, which makes Hubbs look at me like I am either slightly insane or acting more weird than usual. Imagine my glee when I got an email about NYA doing an interview with new author Rude Jude. I squealed, emailed everyone that I had a crush on him, and went to sleep hoping I would wake up with interview worthy questions. The following monday I bit the bullet and made him my Man Crush Monday on Instagram. He noticed. Then, about two weeks later, he was flying out to New York to do some promoting for Hyena, and that’s where the adventure really begins.

well...this is awkward

well…this is awkward

I nearly exploded last Monday when he told me that I was “more than welcome” to come by the show. That may not even accurately describe my reaction, but I’m trying to play it cool over here, which is something that I suck at. I talked it over with Hubbs, trying to see if it would be possible with work and all (people’s heat likes to break a lot when it snows…and then they get all twitchy about freezing to death) but we decided that, Fuck It, this isn’t something that happens every day and we were going to make it work. I told Jude that I would love to come, he told me that Hubbs was absolutely invited to hang as well, and we figured out the best day and time. I spent Monday through Wendesday night pestering Hubbs that we HAD to leave work EXACTLY on time because, of course, we were getting hit by a snow storm on Thursday and there was NO WAY we were going to be late. No. Way.

such a geek

such a geek

So, yeah…we were late. Super late. I spent the entire morning cursing every snow flake that fell (they weren’t even flakes…they were full on balls…snowman sized balls falling from the fucking sky), double checking the train schedule for delays (because driving to The City at that point was out of the question) and reminding Hubbs that we had to leave EXACTLY ON TIME!!!! I really don’t know how he puts up with my OCD sometimes- the man is a saint. We left work exactly on time.

I'm smiling like an idiot...and so is he (for him)

I’m smiling like an idiot…and so is he (for him)

But the train was delayed. And then it was converted into a local train instead of an express train. SiriusXM is only about 15 blocks from Penn Station, which is nothing, so we hauled ass through calf-deep puddles of dirty, slushy, frozen snow/water grossness and made it there in decent time. I was pretty sure that they wouldn’t let me in the building with my soaking wet feet, but they didn’t spend too much time looking at my feet. I think they were rather distracted by the giant bodyguard that I had along with me. SiriusXM is in a posh building that doesn’t boast the fact that there is a studio inside of it at all, and the lobby just has a handful of guards who stare daggers at you while you walk to the security desk. It was easier getting backstage in Carnegie Hall. They let us upstairs eventually, where we were waylaid by another guy behind a desk, but after some phone calls and DM’s and me checking the time about 7 thousand times, Jude came out to get us.

It. Was. Awesome. He said hi and we all shook hands and he led us back to Shade45’s studio, which is a glass walled high tech wonderdome ensconsed by a dark burgandy purplish curtain. We said hi to Lord Sear and Jude asked why we didn’t have New York accents since we were from New York, but seemed more satisfied that the more we talked the more he could hear it. Hubbs talked to Jude and Sear about the equipment while I sat in awe and wanted to pinch myself because, holy shit, this was really happening. He asked about how I got started with No You Are, and asked about my Filterlessness blog and thanked us for coming down. When it was time for them to get back on air Jude pushed my seat toward the mic pointed to the headphones and told me to “get ready”. I almost pissed myself. Secret time- I’m charming and fearless as fuck on social media, but I’m a fluffy bunny in real life. I don’t talk a lot in front of people I don’t know and I was about to go on air.

holy crap...nervous!!

holy crap…nervous!!

It was a whirlwind. It went so fast and so slow at the same time. We talked about No You Are, my blog, sex, how scary Hubbs looks, sex, sex, and more sex. Needless to say…my daddy will NEVER hear that audio. Ever. I didn’t even want to hear it because I hate the sound of my own voice. Off-air Jude talked about Hyena, about how he spends his days on Twitter and Instagram doing everything that he can to promote the shit out of it, and how he was going to hook up with a hot foreign porn chick later that night. Awesome.

After the show ended he asked what we were up to, if we were gonna hang around in The City at all, and recommended that if we wanted a good Italian spot for dinner we should check out the Olive Garden. Apparently, he loves that joke. We told him we were gonna hang around and have some fun because, why not, and he said he’d walk around with us for a while. First he took us to see Cullen, but Cullen wasn’t there anymore, and Jude told Hubbs to sit in his seat and take a picture to send to him.

Hubbs at Cullen's desk

Hubbs at Cullen’s desk

We laughed about it and I pointed out a rad RDS sticker on the side of his desk, which made Jude ask, “What’s with the Red Dragons thing?” Hubbs told him to ask Ellis, but Jude thought it was disrespectful that he didn’t know anything about it. And he hasn’t read ‘I’m Awesome’. Hubbs explained the whole ‘Red Dragons thing’ and…I didn’t talk much. I think I had my fill on the air. Hubbs, however, didn’t want to be on air all that much, but is a social butterfly so while we walked through Manhattan he and Jude talked about his voice “It’s from smoking too many cigarettes and acid reflux”, riding crotch rockets (Jude doesn’t but Hubbs was trying to convince him to try it out), the gray slurpee that the streets were, promoting Hyena, Ellisfam, how Hubbs and I met and how long we’ve been together, the Bub, everything. Jude talked about deciding to self publish because he didn’t want his book to be changed due to its content in order to please a big publisher and I actually chimed in to say that overall it was a smart idea because publishers care about marketability and a books ability to sell, and with Hyena selling out three times so far on Amazon he’s proving that he has selling power. It then occurred to Jude to ask why we hadn’t brought a copy of Hyena to be signed by him…and well…we hadn’t received our Valentine’s editions (because we ordered 2 so we didn’t have to share- can you feel the love?) and because I’m slightly moronic when I’m a bag of nerves and when I was cleaning out my bag before catching the train I left Hyena in the truck. But, for me, I just have a good reason to bug him in the future. Oh, by the way, if you follow Hyena and Jude as closely as I do, you may know that there were supposed to be three new stories in the Valentine’s Edition and they aren’t there. Jude told me when I said we had ordered the V-day copies because I was excited for the new stories that there were some technical difficulties and he wasn’t able to upload them, which is sad, but…honestly…I’m a writer (I want nothing more in life than to achieve some measure of writing success) and buying two more copies of a book that I already own to support another writer is nbd to me.

Jude for President

Jude for President

We parted ways with Jude downtown after Hubbs gave him a couple ideas of places to go with the chick he was meeting. Jude and Hubbs did that bro hug thing where you’re shaking hands, hi-fiving, and hugging all at once (and I’ll never understand it…just hug…no homo) and Jude gave me a hug and we all told each other that meeting each other was awesome. It still seems crazy how excited Jude really seemed to meet Hubbs and I, and the whole night and experience has left me with the impression that, like Ellis, he is a man who cares about his fans and is truly thankful for them. He even told me that he doesn’t hate on his Instagram doppleganger- so long as that motherfucker promotes Hyena. He loves Ellis, he loves Ellisfam, and he gave Hubbs a night that we will never forget.

So Blurry...sorrynotsorry

So Blurry…sorrynotsorry

Hubbs and I stayed in The City for a few hours afterward, and I won’t bore you with the details because…yeesh…this was long…but I will tell you that when we went to dinner at a wonderful hole in the wall restaurant known only as ‘BBQ- The Original’ the people at the table next to us were talking about the All Out Show. Boom.

Big thanks to Rude Jude and Lord Sear for the good time!!!! It was amazing!!!

 

P.S. At least this nonsense went over sooooooooo much better than when I met Ellis a couple of years ago. My brobro was kind enough to remind me of that meeting yesterday (which is necessary since I was mostly too drunk to remember that Ellis humped me for a full half-minute before I realized it was him…only to turn and say I had thought he was Hubbs…and omg your show is awesome and I love Joe)

 

Hey, Jude!

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Whether you’re a fan of Rude Jude (@rude_jude on Twitter or @onemorejude on Instagram), The All Out Show, The Jason Ellis Show, Jenny Jones, Detroit, Bathroom Attendants, Pills, or Ketamine… we’ve got you. Rude Jude agreed to answer some questions for his fans, no matter how relevant they may be. If you’re still reeling from the high you got off his book, Hyena, and need another taste, hopefully this will help satisfy your Judo craving. Afterall, he decided to do this for all of us fans.

hyenaYou worked hard to write and promote your own book, Hyena. Do you feel like it’s been worth your efforts? Do you have plans to, or would you write another book? And if so, would you do anything differently?
Dude I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t have done anything different. the self publishing rout is a lot of work and pretty stressful but worth it. These stories are 3-4 years old most of them and it took this long to edit them and put the book together and get the art work. But in the end, it’s all my vision, no compromise. I just couldn’t deal with some never been anywhere, suit motherfucker telling me what part of my life I could tell. So you work harder. My goal is to take the proven product somewhere bigger and have them push it.

I wanna keep writing but right now, I’m in sell mode. Sell sell sell sell. It’s using a completely different part of the brain. The idea of being creative…. I can’t even wrap my head around.

Which was the most difficult story in Hyena to write about (if any), or were there any you were afraid of writing due to possible backlash from family/friends?
It’s weird, certain stories would just hit me. I was writing Animal Planet which is just about how we grew up, how it was cool to dog girls and shit and how the chicks would try to get over on us too.

There’s this part in the story where I ask my homeboy why he let his girl dog him so bad, he says cuz he didn’t think he was good enough for anyone else. I write “I get it” and start welling up. like I’m about to cry off of “I get it.” That surprised me I didn’t plan on crying but I do get it, I understand not liking yourself and the shit you do because of it.

There are other stories in there like about my mom and dad that are pretty hard. Or when I’m writing about the shitty stuff I did to my ex that hit me in the heart….

As far as backlash one of my exes, i have two worth mentioning, one of them cut me off. She won’t talk to me. Surprisingly not the one I thought was gonna cut me off. I haven’t given it to my old man yet either. I’m kind of avoiding that. And he’s too cheap to buy it so I’m good for a while….. I almost put a smiley face after that last sentence.

What’s the most annoying assumption people make about you? Is it when fans are surprised to find out that you’re not black, when fans ask you about your “Jenny Jones” days, or something else?
Man I do well with people making the wrong assumptions, college mother fuckers think I’m dumb because of the way that I speak. Hood motherfuckers think that I’m lame because of the way that I look. And cops think that I’m sober because of the way that I dress. Let people underestimate you then do you and blow them away.

What would you say if Ellis got his own channel and offered you a show on it? Or if you were offered a spot on TJES, what would you say? And if you took the show to the Ellis channel, would you bring Lord Sear?
I’d love to do a talk show. I just like that pacing so much. Would I bring Sear? You ever hear me have a conversation with him?

judeNow that you’re out of Swinghouse and in the new studio, has anyone blown you in the new studio yet? And who is the hottest chick that works in the building?
Yeah. I got that out of the way pretty quick. It’s weird I did it just to do it. It was for the show. Like I had set some head precedent in every other studio and I just had to keep it going.To be honest with you, now that the book is out, I’ve been on some self reflective, sober, try not to fuck everything that moves kick and I kind of like it…. Hottest chick in the building? I gotta say, for being in LA, we work in one of the ugliest buildings ever. There’s some 45 year old secretary who’s got a big ass booty I like to look at, but her face looks like Gargamel (smurfs)

If you could have the choice of having anyone co-host your radio show for a week, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
I was gonna say somebody deep like Socrates or something but then I was like, that mother fucker doesn’t even know english… So….Richard Pryor. His comedy was honest and nasty…just like mine…. I didn’t realize it till now, but I guess I got some of my style from him.

If you had to commit to one sex position for the rest of your sex life… which would it be and why?
It seems like the chick on top would be the best for them so they could control the rhythm… but fuck that missionary with the legs stack so I could dig up in there and look her in the face at the same time.

Where do you stand on the whole girls wearing leggings as pants issue? For or against?
Um for for for. Have you seen that shit? Ass Ass Ass. What I’m against is these chicks showing up to the airport in their pajamas with a pillow. Bitch this ain’t slumber party, fuck your comfort. You’re in your 20s be a fuckin adult.

You said your last experience with PCP took a piece of you. Do you feel like you gained anything from it? And would you ever smoke that Sherm again?
It humbled me and gave me patience for myself and other people.

Why do you hate Tully so much? And could you take him in a fight?
I hate tully for the way he rolls his eyes when he telling me I’m wrong about something or an other. Can I take him? You see how I fared against the gay Mexican burglar? No.

Seeing as you’re a fan of reading sci-fi, what would you recommend a motherfucker read from the sci-fi genre?
I like the Name of the Wind Series.

You’re a romantic at heart. What would you want to say to the girl you keep dreaming of?
I’m sorry I figured it out so late.

THE END

Thanks to Jude for being such a good sport and taking the time to answer our ridiculous questions for his fans. If you haven’t already purchased his book, even if you’re not much of a reader, you should. It’s an easy, yet very a interesting read. It’s not hard to imagine Jude telling you the stories you’re reading, it’s written in his style. There’s a reason Jude was given his own show and was able to put out his own book in a grassroots style, the motherfucker’s good – plain and simple.

Want more Jude? Check out the following:

Show Recap for Friday 1/10/2014

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Uhhhh nah na nah naaaaa! The first Friday recap of 2014! Hold onto your nipples because you’re about to take a wild ride through my mind. *Disclaimer, you must be at least this tall to ride. Tully thinks the 70’s were the worst decade ever and I agree. How could the 70’s be so awesome if I wasn’t there? Most likely you weren’t there either so I rest my case sammybwyour honor. Ellis went to Dingo’s star studded birthday and hung out with Kellie Osborne and thought her knife cross necklace was cool be she came across as a bit of a bitch, and he also hung out with some rat pack dude. I think it was Sammy, Sammy’s a laid back cool ass morherfucker. He left right before Justin Beiber arrived and the party turned into a gigantic gay orgy. Also some cool skate dude thinks that Jason is a pretty cool skate dude, like Def Leppard, but with both arms. Speaking of only having one arm, Cumtard will be hiding at home this weekend instead of rockin his sweet doo. Ken Rockson is a name you should know, not only is he a German motocross machine but he also carries deadly weapons everywhere he goes cleverly disguised as his hands and feet! And if you are looking for more exciting moto information then here you go. It’s going to be in Phoenix. And when you’re in Phoenix buy Jude’s book, Hyena because it’s a great read and also get Onnit, it’s not a great read but your flabby ass will look better while reading Hyena by Rude Jude available at Amazon.com.

Austrian hazmat crews have to clean up dead bats in the streets in Australia because it’s really fucking hot there. I don’t know why Austrian crews are in Australia but who gives a fuck, it’s Friday. Sean Michael Hayes came in the studio and talked about the time he lived with Jason and Andrea and banged the wig off one of Andrea’s friends. He also told us photo (12)about the girl that he choked unconscious and fucked. In his defense she told him, “choke me till I pass out.” Sounds legit to me. The real reason Sean came in wasn’t to tell us about all the girls he put his penis inside, he wrote a book, then put his penis in it. Apparently Sean wrote a bunch of books, some are tales of adventure, some are full of those rhyming words. I’m sure they are fantastic books and he was married to a Dutch girl for a year after knowing her for a month. I had no idea how to fit that in. Also I have no idea how to fit these in, Hagen Daz, wooden shoes, windmills, and dikes. So go to Canadianhayes.com or follow Sean Hayes on twitter at @CanadianHayes before he gets raped by a great white shark and sold in the black market underground to the Canadian sex circus as an elephant dildo.

We returned from the break with our favorite fish masturbating friend, the dolphin. Aside from the usual raping and masturbating news we learned today that dolphins also get high on puffer fish venom. The Jason Ellis Show is bringing back it’s signature segment, Unsigned Bands. If you are an unsigned band and are ready to move out of your moms basement, just send a mp3 to unsignedbandsrds@gmail.com or ellisparodies@gmail.com or nobodygivesafuckaboutyourshittyband@gmail.com. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Walt Disney wasn’t a racist, masoganist (I don’t know how to spell that, spelling is woman work anyway), or an anti-Semite and Maryl Streep is a lying bitch. He was pretty standard dude for his day. Even his cartoon that portrays Donald Duck as a Nazi is really a cartoon about how much Nazis suck. Besides, pinning Disney as the only racist cartoonist is segregation, and that’s racist because my Mexican Gardner told me. I think that’s what he told me, his English is shit. Heres the video of the top 10 most racist cartoon moments that Cumtard showed the guys. And heres the Donald Duck Nazi cartoon he found too.

A man in Iran has been awarded the grossest man ever award because he hasn’t showered for sixty years and smokes animal shit while roaming the desert. Congratulations to you sir. Christian James Hand, who has showered in the last 24 hours, brought in more isolated vocals. Today we listened to Glen Danzing, Fleetwood Mac, Burt McCracken, Phil Anselmo, Marvin Gaye, and James Hetfield. It was another home run and an awesome listening experience. I can’t wait for the next installment. Will burst in after the master-of-puppets-james-hetfieldsegment to explain the great Piolin catering mystery. It turns out that the host of the show buys food for everyone, everyday. Mystery solved thanks to Will “no mystery goes unsolved” Pendarvis. Ash is the cleanest product on earth because it doesn’t have magma puss balls of shit in it and fire is awesome. Just thought I’d throw that out there for you. We here at NoYouAre are dedicated to bringing you informative and educational information, like mixing hand sanitizer and orange juice can get you wasted but it’s gonna taste like shit and Vodka is easier. For the last bit of the show we listened to Jason go through the button bar and buried deep in the nether regions of this dark and swampy place were some sweet licks and stuff. Some shit we’ve heard and some shit that we haven’t. What do you want? Me to write every single one down for you? I’m not yer mum, and if I were I’d be far too busy trying to figure out if it burns when I pee because I have the clap or syphilis again, OH!

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

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…

Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the FreeCreditReport.com band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to PatriotGuard.org

 

***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!