A “Dude, Am I Slut?” segment from 2010, where, Chris reveals she got finger blasted at the bar by her manager, and then banged on the A/C unit outside. Next, Wendy’s husband of 8 years wants her to sleep with her “ex” and wants to watch, she also says her ex has a bigger dick than her husband. Wendy also sounds… familiar. I don’t know.
The real payoff? Ellis and Rawdog want to cum on your shit.
It’s raining! It’s pouring!!! Your mum keeps on whoring!!! I’m kidding, folks, your mum probably isn’t a whore, but if she is, I hope that her prices are fair and her pimp keeps a fair and gentle stranglehold on her human potential. That said, it’s time to get into my favorite part of every day, silently hating everyone that comes into my shop or calls on the phone because they make me have to keep pausing the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s show got underway with some conversation about how turning up your headphones can totally recharge your day, unless you play golf, in which case you probably wouldn’t be able to handle having your day charged up with Monster energy and Skullcandy earbuds cranked up to 11. EXTREME! Anyways, people need to stop taking golf so seriously, unless we decide to modify the rules of golf to include off-road go karts or jousting with the clubs or something. The same thing kind of goes for soccer. There’s a reason Americans gave it a different name than every other country that calls it football: we’re not the third world, and we can develop new sports when we get bored with kicking a ball across some grass. Tully remembers when American football used to be a lot more brutal too, the way Americans have always been known to act, but now with political correctness and giving kids gold medals for participation, it’s basically turned into a whine and bitch fest for overpaid high school jocks riding out the last few years that they can keep pulling it off. Remember how the NFL is a non-profit organization? Nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d remind everybody. On the off chance that Adam Snyder from the 49ers is reading this, disregard my opinion of pro-football players, EllisFam got no beef with a fellow member who happens to be a professional athlete. Jason got some new awesome beard care stuff from one of Katie’s friends, and it’s a good product but this friend is sort of an odd fellow, so Jason is trying to be miserly with it so he doesn’t turn into some creepy lactating euro guy from overuse of some unknown personal hygiene product. Jason instagrammed a picture of this stuff, and like the internet is known to do, every asshole with a 3G connection or better dropped their 2 cents on the subject. Ellis recently had his wallet stolen, and he knows where it happened, which just makes that shit sting a little bit harder cause money is one thing but having to go to the DMV for any reason ever is like having your coffee ejaculated in every morning for a week. Jason was filling out some paperwork to get new cards for some of his insurance and whatnot, and the nurse who was giving him the questionnaire to get a new health plan card didn’t know he used to be an action sports athlete and that he’s probably had his fair share of injuries. After all that was done though, Jason got to see the chiropractor and that guy had the most wonderful assortment of Rube Goldberg machines that fixed up J’s back pain faster than shit through a goose. Somehow the conversation turned to massage parlors and how men go to chiropractors and women go to masseuses when they get sick of being unfulfilled by their husbands, or something to that effect. The guys took some phone calls on joint pain and not overextending yourself if you’ve spent the last 20 years going hard in the mother fucking paint without stretching first. Tully has been nursing a sore spot on his foot for a while and Ellis suggested that he might be right at that magic age where you either get old and fade away or start taking advantage of every bit of science and pseudo-science available to the common man and become the next Six Million Dollar radio co-host. A massage therapist from Utah called in and the guys couldn’t stop harassing him for a coccyx adjustment, but he said they would have to get in touch with him off the clock cause that particular massage is just a touch too close to the anus to do it during regular business hours when there could be a paper trail that can be used as evidence in a court of law. The guys talked more about back pain and getting old and how probably half the people you know who claim to have some fucked up body part probably just need to exercise more often OR man the fuck up and grow a vagina. AN Aussie guy called in to sound off on this, but Jason couldn’t stand his accent cause he felt like it was a negative stereotype against himself, so we didn’t get to hear a response, but one guy called to say he had to get a testicular surgery from playing some fuckin’ EXTREME golf. This guy got Tully on the topic of old guys who refuse to give up basketball and how he’s standing on a very wide fence about whether or not he’ll be one, and that fence gets a couple inches thinner every year. A lady called in to ask Jason why it is she might be overweight, even though she eats really healthy and runs marathons and shit, but still can’t get that last 35 pounds off that her doctor is recommending. After asking a few questions, it became obvious this lady probably has some sort of ancient hex placed against her and she should call her local shaman to exorcise it, or learn black magic herself so that she may pass along the curse to some other unfortunate bloodline. After a few more questions, it seems that maybe she’s not sticking to everything as well as she says she is, or her doctor really is an idiot. But fuck all that, cause there’s a new surrogate/substitute/replacement website for EllisMania and it is officialjasonellis.com!!! It’s pretty much the same website, just with a different URL and you might get a few free months while they’re transferring all the user data over!!! The guys looked over the new site and what the top five videos viewed were, and it’s official: The crazy, yelling, pissing lady who was harassing Jason outside the gym is the most universally entertaining thing in all of the internet! After being told this, Ellis could not help but remind the listeners that in West Hollywood, it is impossible to escape the sight of urine on a daily basis, on those mean southern California streets. It’s like the sun rises, and everyone in the city faces the center of town and starts pissing. There was more talk about how when you get old you need to be more responsible with your body or your anus is gonna get uterine cancer or something, I couldn’t follow it cause I was digesting some wonderful delicious pizza and thinking about staying up till 2 playing video games tonight and then maybe snapping one off in the shower, but I’m sure there was a lot of positive advice for the people who needed it. This all flowed in to talk about always expecting the worst case scenario, and WILSON came in to call Tully out for saying it all the time, which Tully could not remember doing at work but can definitely recall doing with his wife. WILSON was good about this topic, he keeps as positive an outlook as possible, with those glimmering shins and that majestical peacock-like waxed semi-hawk, getting around on foot cause he had to get rid of his Saab, he’s like the father I always wanted, except for constantly being on conference calls, which would make him pretty similar to the dad I got, so win-win-lose if he were to adopt me? Great news though, WILSON has been given permission to fight Cumtard!!! AND THE FACKING TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICE YA FACKIN’ CUNTS!!! So, EllisMania 10 is gonna be some unimaginably awesome shit, just for that. In talking about the fight to come, I couldn’t help noticing that the guys keep mentioning me (cause I have a sensitive ego and am very receptive to any and all input, positive or negative) and Pendarvis may not have the punch power that Kevin does, but after reviewing the video of my first round TKO by the Tard, it seemed to be a pretty fair match between me and Kevin back at EM8 and it would probably be slightly better odds in Will’s favor just cause he’s gonna be a lot harder to move out of the way than I am. I’ll let you guys stew on that and reminisce about watching me smoke what I’m hoping wasn’t actually pubic hair a couple summers ago, while the boys regroup and Akka Dakka provides the soundtrack.
Ugh, so someone parked a Prius with eyelashes on the headlights across the street from my work. No real reason why I’m mentioning it, I just despise people who treat the Prius the same way everyone treated the VW Beetle in it’s heyday. It’s like there needs to be an “Unsafe at Any Speed 2: You can make a hybrid that has enough horsepower to moveat a reasonable pace with traffic.” But I digress, cause McLaren has built a nine hundred and something horsepower hybrid that can literally strip the paint off a Prius in two flyby’s, so technology isn’t leaving those of us with a respect for the motoring arts out to dry. Anyways folks, AUSSIE NEWS! First up, there could allegedly be a Vegemite energy drink, but it is April fool’s day, so that’s total bullshit, but in actual real news, there’s gonna be movie coming out THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT RIPOFF OF THE WOODSMAN!!! Except that it’s about Drop Bears, which is also something Jason says he invented, but it’s not important because this (allegedly fake?) movie trailer isn’t as much of a horror movie, but sort of a comedy, but a really shitty one, and not aided by cheesy one-liners about cumming on someone’s face after murdering them with their own aborted foetus. So maybe it’s worth watching, but then again it could be a steaming bowl of elephant piss, or it could be yet another elaborate internet prank against the world. The guys kicked around more ideas for another movie to film, because they really had a lot of fun with both The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. Scarier than another hidden pussy fart though, a girl in Mexico is in hot water after allegedly stabbing her friend 65 times over some naked selfies that they posted to Facebook, once again proving the intrinsic lack of value Facebook has to the human race. Jason argued with Cumtard for a bit about whether or not there would be a CEO knock-out at EM10 and the guys decided to make a bet out of it, the stakes are, if Cumtard survives past the first round, Ellis is gonna rollerblade in full view of the crowd, and if he doesn’t, Kevin has to eat as many onion rings as they can stack on an erect penis. Now, I’m not one to watch what is essentially gay porn, but even that sounds kind of funny. Especially when Tully threw it out there that it needs to be someone they don’t know, preferably a humongous porn cock. The name that was suggested was Mr. Marcus, but then Tully realized the reason that name popped in his head is because that guy did 30 days in jail for knowingly giving two female costars syphilis. So it looks like aside from puking on a massive, pulsating doom spigot, Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft is also going to go out just like Al Capone. Myself, I couldn’t be more excited for this whole thing to play out. Kevin has diarrhea today too, so there’s that for you. The guys talked some more about all the fights that are gonna be happening at this next EllisMania, not just the fight between Kevin and his self respect after eating onion rings in some sort of bizarre live sex act. The pinata fight was suggested, as it really could have worked if they had been able to get an actual pinata instead of throwing Grant Cobb in the middle of the ring with no warning or headgear. Also, the Biggest loser fight, which is open to two men and two women, so there might be two of those fights, if the volunteers can be found. Pendarvis and Kevin came in to trade some intimidation in regards to their upcoming bout, and after hearing about Kevin getting randomly assaulted by a drunk firefighter (hey, he didn’t go to the ground) we found out that WILSON has been smashing rib cages since before kindergarten. All that aside, Kevin is already planning how to eat onion rings off of a gigantic phallus without having to worry about triggering his gag reflex. All this talk did trigger a great contender for the name of this EllisMania though, or possibly a new Death!Death!Die! song: Cock Vomit. They also through out the idea of EllisMania 10: Sea Men Fight. But the name really isn’t important, because the guys really need to sort out the logistics of how this onion ring cock sleeve thing is gonna go down. And since the insurance to have a porn star put deep fried food up the length of his phallus in full view of a few thousand people is probably astronomical, they’re thinking of having a more illuminati type affair back in Jason’s room with naught but a small select crowd and lots of plastic sheeting. A few people called in to make it as clear as possible that Cumtard really does need to make good on this bet, and that apparently it’s not so weird that people want to watch it happen. A couple folks even volunteered their cocks for the whole thing. One guy had half inch long genital warts though, and Kevin used the whole “Michael Douglass HPV Throat Cancer” defense to let the guys know he wouldn’t do it if they picked that guy (like a bitch). While you all make peace with your gods over what you’re about to fly to Vegas to see this summer, let’s have some Nirvana and take a breather.
HEY POTHEADS!!! You’re gonna get a kick out of this one! The guys found a video of a kid ABSOLUTELY LOSING HIS SHIT AFTER TRYING DABS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING EPIC!!! I remember having a couple shitty times when I did drugs, but if I did something like this kid I would have promptly been beaten and robbed by every friend I ever had, simply on principle. There was some talk about salvia cause a lot of people claim to go absolutely fucking nuts when they do it, but Tully has smoked a metric shitload of it and could still pass a field sobriety test. Cumtard came in to share some of his experiences with it and it sounds like for the right person, it could be a great time, and for the wrong person, it would be a great way to reduce the population when people have a tard session and run out into traffic. One guy called in to tell the guys about one time when he smoked salvia and went and took a shit on his front porch, then he punched his roommate in the face. Red Dragons. I remember one time at Boy Scout camp when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with PCP and we smoked a bunch of it and started seeing all kinds of colors in the pitch blackness of night in our tent, and then I fell asleep halfway through eating a sheet of beef jerky and woke up with the whole side of my face fucking CHAPPED like a salt cured fish. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, nuh-nah-nuh-nah-mean? There were some more phone calls on salvia and interesting things that people have done when high. One time myself, same buddy, Boy Scout snow camporee, we built an igloo for the multi-troop competition, it was the fucking sweetest one and got our troop a ribbon, then we ditched everybody else and GOT THAT MOTHA FUCKA MUGGY AS FUCK and carved some titties in the wall, cause when you’re young, you do stupid shit like hotboxing igloos and carving titties in the snow. Oh, and the first time I did whipits, I made the mistake of hitting one while I was standing up, and just as I was exhaling I fell directly sideways into a stack of shit in the corner of my friend’s room and almost smashed a ship in a bottle on my forehead in the process. Driving to his old college on acid was a hell of a time, we got the stuff just past sundown, took some, kept the rest for the Mardis Gras weekend we were about to take part in, and drove four hours from Hayward to San Luis Obispo. Best moment of the drive, I’m in the fast lane doing about 95 in my old Volvo station wagon and this dude has been riding my ass for miles, so just as I’m about ready to switch lanes and let him pass, THE FUCKING RED AND BLUES START FLASHING!!!! And here’s the kicker, the cop was BEHIND THE GUY BEHIND ME AND DIDN’T TRY TO CHASE US! If I was ever gonna shit my pants and make sure everybody knew it, that night would have been the night to do it. I introduced all those rich surfer kids to drinking forties and smoking Newport 100’s that weekend, and saw lots of college nudity. Second to last night there, we were drinking on this girl’s balcony while there was a big crowd in the courtyard below, and all of a sudden, in perfect slow motion, a 40oz bottle goes flying through the air… and explodes on top of a riot cop’s helmet. The cops immediately unloaded paintballs and sandbags every which direction and I promise you have never seen two thousand drunk college kids clear out of anywhere so god damn fast. I’m only telling these stories cause that’s what everyone else was doing on the Ellis show, and since a lot of you probably already heard it, and this is not the Ellis show, I figured I’d give you some of my own. The guys started digging through the props box for all the stuff they want to keep or get rid of for their celebrity guest instagram photos. The reason for the spring cleaning is that a costume company has reached out to the show and wants to give them some stuff to keep around for those historic photo moments. Unfortunately, in the process of this, the guys called out Hardcore the intern for corralling celebrity guests into taking pictures with him for his own Instagram. WILSON is just as guilty, only he tries to be a little more low key about it and slip them the tongue when the flash goes off. Pendarvis got all kinds of defensive about it, and Hardcore is probably gonna flunk whatever class he was supposed to get credit for by doing this internship, and Jetta does it a bit but he isn’t a complete asshole about it and tries to do his own thing instead of playing Tarzan off anybody else’s nuts. Cumtard is a bit more reasonable about it, he at least gets pics of everything going on at the show, not just celebrities, but all the same he could do to tone it down a bit, or WILSON is gonna start withholding sex and their bizarre working bromance could be put in jeopardy over who gets more likes whenever Joanna Angel stops by. Tully and Jason came to the agreement with everybody that they can take all the guest pics they want, you just gotta do it “Creepshots” style and pretend to take a phone call but really have video rolling. WILSON got really bent about that and went to sulk because the press pass hanging from his angry lanyard was not properly respected by the crew. The guys took some final calls on things and stuff, one guy tried to psychoanalyze WILSON over the suggestion from yesterday that he start smoking weed, but it was poorly timed so the guys didn’t bother listening to it all. There was more digging through the props box and it sounds like the guys need to buy some more of the creepy handmade shit off Etsy that they always seem to find, but they do have some good ones in there that you can keep an eye out for when you’re trolling everybody’s instagram to see if anybody got spy photos of Mark McGrath’s dick in passing or whatever the hell you look for when you’re on instagram. There were some more final calls about stuff and shit and things and whatever, and Cullen might be the CEO of Faction if Jason ever gets his own channel, since he pretty much works a 395 hour workday running the channel as it is, with WILSON pulling 72 hour days as a supervisor. Of course, this is all hypothetical until Ellis can manage properly cultivating his beard into a proper authoritative mechanism that commands respect from the international corporate community of SiriusXM. If that all goes according to plan, he’s probably gonna cherry pick his own staff and talent, and Faction will sink by the wayside like the short lived Punk channel that I actually really liked, that Cullen and Cechnicki were in charge of before the merger. Don’t forget, the guys are gonna do unsigned bands again soon, so get your shitty alt-pop offerings out on the internet at submittoellis@gmail.com and it’ll get airplay for one whole week, at some time between noon and 4 PM, Monday through Friday, and even if it’s the best of the pack it will still probably be deeply ridiculed, and that’s OK cause it’s all in good fun and no matter what music you make, there’s an audience that wants to hear it. Just look at that shithead Justin Bieber! The guys played around with the idea of going to church and breaking off the minister mid-sermon to preach the word of Pantera, and I for one think that would be a hell of a reality prank show. So if you have a YouTube account, I would love to see your best attempt. While you’re at it, LEARN WHAT THE FUCKING DON’T DIE SEGMENT FUCKING MEANS!!! IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHIT HASN’T BEEN A STAPLE ON THE END OF THE SHOW FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS NOW!!! YOU WONDER WHY I REFER TO 80% OF HUMANITY AS A PACK OF MORONS?!?!??! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
We’re back up in the heezy.
Welcome back, our only friend! First recap of 2014 is about to be all up inside of you. All. Up. Inside. Up in ‘dem guts, naw I’m sayin’? So here we are, inside the hole radio. Ellis’ eyes have been opened, he now knows Canada is all Asian, even the white people. Ellis also went to see some moto this past Saturday, he didn’t like the common people seats (nose bleed seats), but he hung in there. Dingo pretended to see some moto this past Saturday, from his sofa – but that don’t stop the Dingo from bringing in some moto gossip. Apparently Twitch had a video on his Instagram of Alessi crying, but now that’s been reported and removed for some reason. Ellis missed that, the GOAT doing hot laps, fireworks, etc. while he was meeting Grant Cobb in the parking lot to get him in to the common people seats. Speaking of Grant, Ellis finally finished up his head tattoo last night. And speaking of Ellis, he will be on Dr. Drew’s TV show tonight. Speaking of Dr. Drew, it’s tickle time because Broc Tickle got 8th or some shit. Lumpy Ellis has officially moved on to greener pastures, he was removed from his host face two weeks ago before the trip to Canada – hence no third seat needed on the plane. Speaking of money, Dingo feels like this is his year, he’s gonna be rolling in the dough and hanging out with more famous people. Speaking of dough, Wilson is thinking about starting to self-medicate for diabetes. Speaking of diabetes, you can join the Faction Board of Directors to help change what music is played on the channel.
CPR used to begin with smoochies, not handjobs!
Kenda Perez called into the show to talk about New Year’s and MMA. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva failed his post fight drug test and got stripped of his $50k bonus, which I assume was going to be put to good use for a specially modified pillow for that massive Omnimax dome of his. Anderson “The Spider” Silva (The Spider and Bigfoot are not related) snapped his leg like it was a #2 pencil in the crack of a stripper’s ass. It looked like it didn’t tickle. Like, at all. Ronda “Rowdy” Rousey won her fight with Miesha “Cupcake” Tate and riled a bunch of people up after refusing to shake hands with her opponent. Tito “Ouch, My Neck” Ortiz crashed his Porsche today and was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Breaking MMA news, Dominick Cruz has pulled out of his fight with Renan Barao due to a groin injury and will give up his title – and now Urijah Faber will be fighting Barao. Guess where Dingo’s never been, Africa – but he’s been to Spain, and he still knows more about Africa than you. But that’s neither here nor there, we’re talking about South African CPR. Apparently they have some kind of indigenous fight club and when a dude got knocked out, they splashed water on his face – oh, and jerked him off. Know what else Dingo has seen? Shaun White’s erect pecker, because, you know, kids and stuff. He say’s Shaun’s packing a big ole ginger dick. So, perfect segue time, the Ellis kids got some crazy carts for Christmas and anytime Tiger gets passed by his sister, he gets possessed and drives straight into rage world. He started ramming the shit out of sissy, spinning out, and crashing into everything.
NOBODY PASSES EL TIGRE!
Fuck snakes on a plane, and fuck dogs on a plane. And fuck dogs in restaurants. That’s Wilson and Tully’s position on the matter, unless of course you’re a god damned, bat shit crazy asshole – then you may be excused depending on how mentally disturbed you really are. Speaking of offensive, while flying back from their holidays, Tully’s son vurped (vomit burp) right into Tully’s crotch while on the plane. He tried to clean himself up as much as possible, but ended up having to sit in with his barf moistened balls, stinking like rotten milk barf. Then they land in Denver, the plane’s delayed, so he’s still just chilling with vomit balls, get’s on the next plane and has to sit next to a stranger. Talk about an awkward flight, how do you even begin to explain throw-up sack? Awful. Just awful. Hey, Piers Morgan accepted a challenge to receive 6 cricket pitches from Brett Lee and earned himself a cracked rib for his troubles. I don’t care about Piers, cricket, or some dude named Brett Lee – but I do support anyone beaning Piers by throwing balls at him.
Canadian customs or football coach?
So on the way to Vancouver, Canadian Customs called Ellis off to the side and asked him if he was mad dogging one of the customs agents. Dingo thinks the head tattoo is to blame. For all the talk about how nice Canadians are, their customs agents really would make you think differently, I’m not sure I’ve ever run into one that wasn’t power tripping on something or another. While Tully was in Wisconsin, he ran into the ass patched jeans and gathered some evidence to help prove his point to Ellis that True Religion / Affliction style jeans are still alive and kicking. So while pushing a stroller through the mall with his is mother-in-law, he tried to snap a few pictures of Milwaukee locals’ asses without being busted by people or mall cops for it. Dedication and hard work, kids, that’s what gets the job done. There’s a dude with 2 cocks who did a Q & A on reddit.com. I’m not really sure what else to say about that other than, “huh.” Speaking of dicks, it took 15 cops to get some dude wigged out on meth to stop masturbating, remember the talk about dedication and hard work, kids? Speaking of tards, sounds like it is official, the newest member of TJES is Cumtard, as a producer. Welcome back you pube eating / smoking / bro-cone / baby bird / champion! And there you have it, the first TJES recap of 2014. I mean, a real recap, not a phoned in, 30 second, hodgepodge of words. OH!
(Disclaimer: That’s a joke. That’s what we do. Make jokes.)
Just sayin’
It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.
Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.
As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.
All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).
Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.
Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.
There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.
In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.
Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.
Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.
Things we learned today:
Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns
Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips
Racist Zombies have racist sneezes
Everybody in LA overtalks everything
Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks
Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher
Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t
If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right
Pirates give you type 2 diabetes
Rachel might be a hermaphrodite
I’m pregnant, and it’s yours
Visit patriotguard.org
It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?
Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.
Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.
So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.
What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.
Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.
The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.
Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.
The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.
During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf
TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too: