It’s raining! It’s pouring!!! Your mum keeps on whoring!!! I’m kidding, folks, your mum probably isn’t a whore, but if she is, I hope that her prices are fair and her pimp keeps a fair and gentle stranglehold on her human potential. That said, it’s time to get into my favorite part of every day, silently hating everyone that comes into my shop or calls on the phone because they make me have to keep pausing the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s show got underway with some conversation about how turning up your headphones can totally recharge your day, unless you play golf, in which case you probably wouldn’t be able to handle having your day charged up with Monster energy and Skullcandy earbuds cranked up to 11. EXTREME! Anyways, people need to stop taking golf so seriously, unless we decide to modify the rules of golf to include off-road go karts or jousting with the clubs or something. The same thing kind of goes for soccer. There’s a reason Americans gave it a different name than every other country that calls it football: we’re not the third world, and we can develop new sports when we get bored with kicking a ball across some grass. Tully remembers when American football used to be a lot more brutal too, the way Americans have always been known to act, but now with political correctness and giving kids gold medals for participation, it’s basically turned into a whine and bitch fest for overpaid high school jocks riding out the last few years that they can keep pulling it off. Remember how the NFL is a non-profit organization? Nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d remind everybody. On the off chance that Adam Snyder from the 49ers is reading this, disregard my opinion of pro-football players, EllisFam got no beef with a fellow member who happens to be a professional athlete. Jason got some new awesome beard care stuff from one of Katie’s friends, and it’s a good product but this friend is sort of an odd fellow, so Jason is trying to be miserly with it so he doesn’t turn into some creepy lactating euro guy from overuse of some unknown personal hygiene product. Jason instagrammed a picture of this stuff, and like the internet is known to do, every asshole with a 3G connection or better dropped their 2 cents on the subject. Ellis recently had his wallet stolen, and he knows where it happened, which just makes that shit sting a little bit harder cause money is one thing but having to go to the DMV for any reason ever is like having your coffee ejaculated in every morning for a week. Jason was filling out some paperwork to get new cards for some of his insurance and whatnot, and the nurse who was giving him the questionnaire to get a new health plan card didn’t know he used to be an action sports athlete and that he’s probably had his fair share of injuries. After all that was done though, Jason got to see the chiropractor and that guy had the most wonderful assortment of Rube Goldberg machines that fixed up J’s back pain faster than shit through a goose. Somehow the conversation turned to massage parlors and how men go to chiropractors and women go to masseuses when they get sick of being unfulfilled by their husbands, or something to that effect. The guys took some phone calls on joint pain and not overextending yourself if you’ve spent the last 20 years going hard in the mother fucking paint without stretching first. Tully has been nursing a sore spot on his foot for a while and Ellis suggested that he might be right at that magic age where you either get old and fade away or start taking advantage of every bit of science and pseudo-science available to the common man and become the next Six Million Dollar radio co-host. A massage therapist from Utah called in and the guys couldn’t stop harassing him for a coccyx adjustment, but he said they would have to get in touch with him off the clock cause that particular massage is just a touch too close to the anus to do it during regular business hours when there could be a paper trail that can be used as evidence in a court of law. The guys talked more about back pain and getting old and how probably half the people you know who claim to have some fucked up body part probably just need to exercise more often OR man the fuck up and grow a vagina. AN Aussie guy called in to sound off on this, but Jason couldn’t stand his accent cause he felt like it was a negative stereotype against himself, so we didn’t get to hear a response, but one guy called to say he had to get a testicular surgery from playing some fuckin’ EXTREME golf. This guy got Tully on the topic of old guys who refuse to give up basketball and how he’s standing on a very wide fence about whether or not he’ll be one, and that fence gets a couple inches thinner every year. A lady called in to ask Jason why it is she might be overweight, even though she eats really healthy and runs marathons and shit, but still can’t get that last 35 pounds off that her doctor is recommending. After asking a few questions, it became obvious this lady probably has some sort of ancient hex placed against her and she should call her local shaman to exorcise it, or learn black magic herself so that she may pass along the curse to some other unfortunate bloodline. After a few more questions, it seems that maybe she’s not sticking to everything as well as she says she is, or her doctor really is an idiot. But fuck all that, cause there’s a new surrogate/substitute/replacement website for EllisMania and it is officialjasonellis.com!!! It’s pretty much the same website, just with a different URL and you might get a few free months while they’re transferring all the user data over!!! The guys looked over the new site and what the top five videos viewed were, and it’s official: The crazy, yelling, pissing lady who was harassing Jason outside the gym is the most universally entertaining thing in all of the internet! After being told this, Ellis could not help but remind the listeners that in West Hollywood, it is impossible to escape the sight of urine on a daily basis, on those mean southern California streets. It’s like the sun rises, and everyone in the city faces the center of town and starts pissing. There was more talk about how when you get old you need to be more responsible with your body or your anus is gonna get uterine cancer or something, I couldn’t follow it cause I was digesting some wonderful delicious pizza and thinking about staying up till 2 playing video games tonight and then maybe snapping one off in the shower, but I’m sure there was a lot of positive advice for the people who needed it. This all flowed in to talk about always expecting the worst case scenario, and WILSON came in to call Tully out for saying it all the time, which Tully could not remember doing at work but can definitely recall doing with his wife. WILSON was good about this topic, he keeps as positive an outlook as possible, with those glimmering shins and that majestical peacock-like waxed semi-hawk, getting around on foot cause he had to get rid of his Saab, he’s like the father I always wanted, except for constantly being on conference calls, which would make him pretty similar to the dad I got, so win-win-lose if he were to adopt me? Great news though, WILSON has been given permission to fight Cumtard!!! AND THE FACKING TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICE YA FACKIN’ CUNTS!!! So, EllisMania 10 is gonna be some unimaginably awesome shit, just for that. In talking about the fight to come, I couldn’t help noticing that the guys keep mentioning me (cause I have a sensitive ego and am very receptive to any and all input, positive or negative) and Pendarvis may not have the punch power that Kevin does, but after reviewing the video of my first round TKO by the Tard, it seemed to be a pretty fair match between me and Kevin back at EM8 and it would probably be slightly better odds in Will’s favor just cause he’s gonna be a lot harder to move out of the way than I am. I’ll let you guys stew on that and reminisce about watching me smoke what I’m hoping wasn’t actually pubic hair a couple summers ago, while the boys regroup and Akka Dakka provides the soundtrack.
Ugh, so someone parked a Prius with eyelashes on the headlights across the street from my work. No real reason why I’m mentioning it, I just despise people who treat the Prius the same way everyone treated the VW Beetle in it’s heyday. It’s like there needs to be an “Unsafe at Any Speed 2: You can make a hybrid that has enough horsepower to moveat a reasonable pace with traffic.” But I digress, cause McLaren has built a nine hundred and something horsepower hybrid that can literally strip the paint off a Prius in two flyby’s, so technology isn’t leaving those of us with a respect for the motoring arts out to dry. Anyways folks, AUSSIE NEWS! First up, there could allegedly be a Vegemite energy drink, but it is April fool’s day, so that’s total bullshit, but in actual real news, there’s gonna be movie coming out THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT RIPOFF OF THE WOODSMAN!!! Except that it’s about Drop Bears, which is also something Jason says he invented, but it’s not important because this (allegedly fake?) movie trailer isn’t as much of a horror movie, but sort of a comedy, but a really shitty one, and not aided by cheesy one-liners about cumming on someone’s face after murdering them with their own aborted foetus. So maybe it’s worth watching, but then again it could be a steaming bowl of elephant piss, or it could be yet another elaborate internet prank against the world. The guys kicked around more ideas for another movie to film, because they really had a lot of fun with both The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. Scarier than another hidden pussy fart though, a girl in Mexico is in hot water after allegedly stabbing her friend 65 times over some naked selfies that they posted to Facebook, once again proving the intrinsic lack of value Facebook has to the human race. Jason argued with Cumtard for a bit about whether or not there would be a CEO knock-out at EM10 and the guys decided to make a bet out of it, the stakes are, if Cumtard survives past the first round, Ellis is gonna rollerblade in full view of the crowd, and if he doesn’t, Kevin has to eat as many onion rings as they can stack on an erect penis. Now, I’m not one to watch what is essentially gay porn, but even that sounds kind of funny. Especially when Tully threw it out there that it needs to be someone they don’t know, preferably a humongous porn cock. The name that was suggested was Mr. Marcus, but then Tully realized the reason that name popped in his head is because that guy did 30 days in jail for knowingly giving two female costars syphilis. So it looks like aside from puking on a massive, pulsating doom spigot, Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft is also going to go out just like Al Capone. Myself, I couldn’t be more excited for this whole thing to play out. Kevin has diarrhea today too, so there’s that for you. The guys talked some more about all the fights that are gonna be happening at this next EllisMania, not just the fight between Kevin and his self respect after eating onion rings in some sort of bizarre live sex act. The pinata fight was suggested, as it really could have worked if they had been able to get an actual pinata instead of throwing Grant Cobb in the middle of the ring with no warning or headgear. Also, the Biggest loser fight, which is open to two men and two women, so there might be two of those fights, if the volunteers can be found. Pendarvis and Kevin came in to trade some intimidation in regards to their upcoming bout, and after hearing about Kevin getting randomly assaulted by a drunk firefighter (hey, he didn’t go to the ground) we found out that WILSON has been smashing rib cages since before kindergarten. All that aside, Kevin is already planning how to eat onion rings off of a gigantic phallus without having to worry about triggering his gag reflex. All this talk did trigger a great contender for the name of this EllisMania though, or possibly a new Death!Death!Die! song: Cock Vomit. They also through out the idea of EllisMania 10: Sea Men Fight. But the name really isn’t important, because the guys really need to sort out the logistics of how this onion ring cock sleeve thing is gonna go down. And since the insurance to have a porn star put deep fried food up the length of his phallus in full view of a few thousand people is probably astronomical, they’re thinking of having a more illuminati type affair back in Jason’s room with naught but a small select crowd and lots of plastic sheeting. A few people called in to make it as clear as possible that Cumtard really does need to make good on this bet, and that apparently it’s not so weird that people want to watch it happen. A couple folks even volunteered their cocks for the whole thing. One guy had half inch long genital warts though, and Kevin used the whole “Michael Douglass HPV Throat Cancer” defense to let the guys know he wouldn’t do it if they picked that guy (like a bitch). While you all make peace with your gods over what you’re about to fly to Vegas to see this summer, let’s have some Nirvana and take a breather.
HEY POTHEADS!!! You’re gonna get a kick out of this one! The guys found a video of a kid ABSOLUTELY LOSING HIS SHIT AFTER TRYING DABS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING EPIC!!! I remember having a couple shitty times when I did drugs, but if I did something like this kid I would have promptly been beaten and robbed by every friend I ever had, simply on principle. There was some talk about salvia cause a lot of people claim to go absolutely fucking nuts when they do it, but Tully has smoked a metric shitload of it and could still pass a field sobriety test. Cumtard came in to share some of his experiences with it and it sounds like for the right person, it could be a great time, and for the wrong person, it would be a great way to reduce the population when people have a tard session and run out into traffic. One guy called in to tell the guys about one time when he smoked salvia and went and took a shit on his front porch, then he punched his roommate in the face. Red Dragons. I remember one time at Boy Scout camp when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with PCP and we smoked a bunch of it and started seeing all kinds of colors in the pitch blackness of night in our tent, and then I fell asleep halfway through eating a sheet of beef jerky and woke up with the whole side of my face fucking CHAPPED like a salt cured fish. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, nuh-nah-nuh-nah-mean? There were some more phone calls on salvia and interesting things that people have done when high. One time myself, same buddy, Boy Scout snow camporee, we built an igloo for the multi-troop competition, it was the fucking sweetest one and got our troop a ribbon, then we ditched everybody else and GOT THAT MOTHA FUCKA MUGGY AS FUCK and carved some titties in the wall, cause when you’re young, you do stupid shit like hotboxing igloos and carving titties in the snow. Oh, and the first time I did whipits, I made the mistake of hitting one while I was standing up, and just as I was exhaling I fell directly sideways into a stack of shit in the corner of my friend’s room and almost smashed a ship in a bottle on my forehead in the process. Driving to his old college on acid was a hell of a time, we got the stuff just past sundown, took some, kept the rest for the Mardis Gras weekend we were about to take part in, and drove four hours from Hayward to San Luis Obispo. Best moment of the drive, I’m in the fast lane doing about 95 in my old Volvo station wagon and this dude has been riding my ass for miles, so just as I’m about ready to switch lanes and let him pass, THE FUCKING RED AND BLUES START FLASHING!!!! And here’s the kicker, the cop was BEHIND THE GUY BEHIND ME AND DIDN’T TRY TO CHASE US! If I was ever gonna shit my pants and make sure everybody knew it, that night would have been the night to do it. I introduced all those rich surfer kids to drinking forties and smoking Newport 100’s that weekend, and saw lots of college nudity. Second to last night there, we were drinking on this girl’s balcony while there was a big crowd in the courtyard below, and all of a sudden, in perfect slow motion, a 40oz bottle goes flying through the air… and explodes on top of a riot cop’s helmet. The cops immediately unloaded paintballs and sandbags every which direction and I promise you have never seen two thousand drunk college kids clear out of anywhere so god damn fast. I’m only telling these stories cause that’s what everyone else was doing on the Ellis show, and since a lot of you probably already heard it, and this is not the Ellis show, I figured I’d give you some of my own. The guys started digging through the props box for all the stuff they want to keep or get rid of for their celebrity guest instagram photos. The reason for the spring cleaning is that a costume company has reached out to the show and wants to give them some stuff to keep around for those historic photo moments. Unfortunately, in the process of this, the guys called out Hardcore the intern for corralling celebrity guests into taking pictures with him for his own Instagram. WILSON is just as guilty, only he tries to be a little more low key about it and slip them the tongue when the flash goes off. Pendarvis got all kinds of defensive about it, and Hardcore is probably gonna flunk whatever class he was supposed to get credit for by doing this internship, and Jetta does it a bit but he isn’t a complete asshole about it and tries to do his own thing instead of playing Tarzan off anybody else’s nuts. Cumtard is a bit more reasonable about it, he at least gets pics of everything going on at the show, not just celebrities, but all the same he could do to tone it down a bit, or WILSON is gonna start withholding sex and their bizarre working bromance could be put in jeopardy over who gets more likes whenever Joanna Angel stops by. Tully and Jason came to the agreement with everybody that they can take all the guest pics they want, you just gotta do it “Creepshots” style and pretend to take a phone call but really have video rolling. WILSON got really bent about that and went to sulk because the press pass hanging from his angry lanyard was not properly respected by the crew. The guys took some final calls on things and stuff, one guy tried to psychoanalyze WILSON over the suggestion from yesterday that he start smoking weed, but it was poorly timed so the guys didn’t bother listening to it all. There was more digging through the props box and it sounds like the guys need to buy some more of the creepy handmade shit off Etsy that they always seem to find, but they do have some good ones in there that you can keep an eye out for when you’re trolling everybody’s instagram to see if anybody got spy photos of Mark McGrath’s dick in passing or whatever the hell you look for when you’re on instagram. There were some more final calls about stuff and shit and things and whatever, and Cullen might be the CEO of Faction if Jason ever gets his own channel, since he pretty much works a 395 hour workday running the channel as it is, with WILSON pulling 72 hour days as a supervisor. Of course, this is all hypothetical until Ellis can manage properly cultivating his beard into a proper authoritative mechanism that commands respect from the international corporate community of SiriusXM. If that all goes according to plan, he’s probably gonna cherry pick his own staff and talent, and Faction will sink by the wayside like the short lived Punk channel that I actually really liked, that Cullen and Cechnicki were in charge of before the merger. Don’t forget, the guys are gonna do unsigned bands again soon, so get your shitty alt-pop offerings out on the internet at email@example.com and it’ll get airplay for one whole week, at some time between noon and 4 PM, Monday through Friday, and even if it’s the best of the pack it will still probably be deeply ridiculed, and that’s OK cause it’s all in good fun and no matter what music you make, there’s an audience that wants to hear it. Just look at that shithead Justin Bieber! The guys played around with the idea of going to church and breaking off the minister mid-sermon to preach the word of Pantera, and I for one think that would be a hell of a reality prank show. So if you have a YouTube account, I would love to see your best attempt. While you’re at it, LEARN WHAT THE FUCKING DON’T DIE SEGMENT FUCKING MEANS!!! IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHIT HASN’T BEEN A STAPLE ON THE END OF THE SHOW FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS NOW!!! YOU WONDER WHY I REFER TO 80% OF HUMANITY AS A PACK OF MORONS?!?!??! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,