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Show Recap for Thursday 2/27/2014

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Has it been a week already? Yeah. It has. Deal with it- I’m back :)
And speaking of ladies…Ellis opens up the show with some applause and he welcomes the gentlemen and ladies out there listening to The Jason Ellis Show. Especially the ladies, because he knows that there are some ladies listening, even if some of those ladies are listening to purposefully make themselves angry and pissed off and get them all bent out of shape for nothing and…do ladies really do shit like that? Yeah, probably, it wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, there are always those people who are more ‘happy’ when they are miserable…but…it makes me shake my head at the human race, on behalf of…the rest of the human race. Speaking of ladies again…Tully has some thoughts on fat chicks. Apparently Tully off-hand noticed what seems to be a regular maneuver for some of the heavier set ladies, and upon noticing and then purposefully looking for it he has concluded that overweight ladies tend to pull the backs of their shirts down subconsciously (probably) throughout the day (but especially when getting off of the elevator) because (he thinks) that they are self conscious about their appearance because they are aware that they are overweight and that makes him sad for them because no one wants to walk around feeling self conscious all of the time. Will comes in to the studio to weigh in on this issue because he is a fat lady and he confirms Tully’s suspicious. He says that the back of the shirt pull is a move that overweight people do to in order to make sure that their fat rolls aren’t hanging out and offending people. I’m going to interject my opinion here, so, warning- I know for a fact that I pull the back of my shirt down on the reg throughout the day. I actually have a combo move where I pull down the back of my shirt and hike up my pants by the belt loops. I am not an overweight lady (in case you were wondering). So why do I do it? I do it because I am a lady shaped lady and I have thighs of thunder and when I walk they pull my pants down (double this if I’m wearing knee socks because it makes it worse). I don’t wear a belt because I think belts suck, I don’t have fat rolls that hang out, but I am aware that my pants are slightly being tugged out of position and I want to put them back where they belong, and then I have to tug my shirt down because my feathers are all ruffled from fixing my pants.

But anyway…Will pulls the back of his shirt down because he’s overweight and he doesn’t want to offend the public with his fleshy Wilson rolls. Ellis says that he understands because when he’s ‘fat’ he wears big hoodies and hides in them, or he wears a tight t-shirt and a jacket, because that’s how Benji Madden taught him how to dress when he’s fat, because Benji was a fat kid and was good at dressing himself so that he didn’t appear as heavy as he was. The trick? Wearing a fitting t-shirt and a jacket. You should always wear clothes that fit you if you want to look your best. Will asks Ellis how he should dress to hide his fat and Ellis tells him to just keep on keepin on because he hides his fat well. Good job, Wilson, you don’t look like a big bag of shit. *claps* This then turns into a conversation about being healthy, eating healthy, and looking your best, or not. Tully asks Will what he eats on a daily basis and Will doesn’t want to talk about it at first because it’s terrible. He only eats two meals a day (which blows Ellis’s mind) and he usually chows down on a PB&J during the day at some point and for dinner has some sort of chicken and pasta. Ellis really can’t believe that Will only eats two meals a day because he would die and he usually eats two times in the four hours that he’s at the studio. Will says it’s because he doesn’t have the time and then proceeds to ask Ellis for some tips to improve his diet so he can eat more and eat healthier. But there is a caveat, that being, that he wants tips that involve absolutely no cooking (because Will just may be a hobo, or he just can’t cook). Ellis outlines that he should eat some sort of breakfast like Starbucks Oatmeal without the brown sugar and to put protein powder in it or one of the fruit plates with the hardboiled egg (but don’t eat the bits of processed Turkey because…processed turkey), for lunch he can have fish tacos with avocado because that feels like cheating when it isn’t, and dinner…everyone has time to cook dinner, right? They kind of get into an argument about people having time in their lives for cooking and Ellis keeps telling Will to do it the night before or in the morning, but Will basically works from 6 in the morning until 10 at night. Tully invites Will over for a Taco dinner with him and his wife tonight because Will can’t remember the last time he had a home cooked meal and home cooked meals are like Oxygen for Tully. He neeeeeeeds them. They talk about how if you eat out a lot you can’t make the excuse that shopping at Whole Foods is too expensive, because you’ll actually probably wind up saving money unless you buy 27 dollar Whole Foods steaks (that aren’t that great). And it’s better for you. They take calls and people talk about their weight loss methods, changing their lives, and losing weight and Shantanee gets a shout out from a caller because she looks damn fine. I can’t stop looking at her either. That face!!!! I dunno…this healthy eating talk bums me out a bit because I used to eat pretty healthy, cook at home a lot and all that rot, but now Hubbs and I are both out of the house from seven in the morning until like eight or nine at night and it’s hard to fit in cooking and eating. We suck. We eat like once a day (at night) and subsist on fluids throughout the day. It’s why I never feel bad about my one a day 20 ounce Pepsi habit…I totes have room for the calories after a day filled with nothing but water, Vitamin Water Zero and a low cal Monster Energy drink. It’s also prolly why I don’t feel super on point right now…It’s a quarter after ten and that’s all I’ve consumed. If you wanna know about eating healthy check out The Dolce Diet books, that’s the first thing I’m doing when I go back to having a normal job!

Ellis is going to be on Tom Green’s TV show tonight, which is pretty cool, be he straight up got told no by the dumb people over at Chelsea Handler’s show, which is shitty, because what the Hell did Ellis do that deserved a no? Some people who have never watched her show would tune in just to see Ellis on (like me and Hubbs, for instance) and maybe those people would like it enough to tune in more regularly. Whatever. Maybe Ellis is just too awesome. Tom Green got a car off Craigslist and it’s a 1979 Z-28, which Hubbs says is a Camero and I’ll take his word for it because I know cars come in pretty and ugly shapes and colors and that’s about it. Tom Green’s car is a piece of shit and has already broken down on the highway, which he is pumped about for whatever crazy Canadian reason his brain came up with, but he has taken a picture of The Awesome Guide to Life in that car, so it’s a solid win overall. Tom Green’s TV show is on tonight with Ellis at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific (do the math for the in-between) and I’m sure Ellis was awesome and will confirm that with my DVR after I am finished writing this.

Tully has been listening to the replays in the morning lately and he thinks that they are doing a great fucking job. They are the Seinfeld of Radio, they have a show about nothing, and it is the best show about nothing that there is. Boom. Tully has mentioned a few times now that he’s been listening to the show in the morning and Ellis said yesterday (I think) that it’s funny how Tully started listening to it once he stopped. But, this morning as Ellis took young Tiggie to school he checked to see if the replay was still on and he listened to it for 15 minutes, and he agrees with Tully- they are doing a great job. They have a great show about nothing and he can say that it’s the best show that is on the air right now, because he’s given a lot of different shows a fair go of listening and there is just no contest. He may not have said that there is no contest, exactly, but that’s what I wrote down. Tully really thinks that 2014 has been a stellar year for The Jason Ellis Show so far (I agree, for what it’s worth) and he feels a real responsibility to the listeners because this show makes a lot of people’s days better, and he wants to make sure that he does his job well so that happens more often.

Ellis starts talking about being a personal trainer and having his own shark, tiger, wolf dojo after a caller who’s a personal trainer calls in the show and it would be a confusing dojo with orgies where Ellis walks around in karate pajamas that have a dick hole cut out of them. Tully brings up something about an Olympic Mexican and orgies and…I kind of missed it to be honest…but do you need more info than that? I mean, let your imagination fill in the gap for about three minutes. Let your mind fill with the vision of a Mexian Olympian from back in the day and the orgies that he stopped going to because he went to them enough to finally be bored of them. Don’t you want that in your life? To have orgies happening around you so often that you just start saying no to them because, been there, done that? This somehow gets Ellis talking about American Idol and how he only really likes the initial audition part of the show and J Lo is super hot. The J Lo thing was my segue to talking about Tully talking about Marc Anthony, who is her ex, and how his other ex wife is trying to sue him for more child support money. His first wife is a former Miss Universe and she currently gets 18 thousand dollars a month in child support from him and wants it upped to 113 thousand dollars. Seriously, bitch? Seriously!!!!! What the fuck does your kid need 113 thousand fucking dollars a month for? The even more ridiculous part of this story…is that Marc Anthony can afford it because motherfucker rakes in 1.25 million dollars a month. A month. That’s 15 million bucks a year. I still think Miss Universe is out of her fucking mind. I mean, Marc Anthony’s not a shit guy, either, he gave J Lo a 4 million dollar ring when the divorce went through- he romanced her pants off during a divorce. You know she was signing the divorce papers with one hand and jerking him off with the other. You also should know that’s not my joke, that was either Tully or Ellis, you know, one of the guys who gets paid to be awesome and funny for a living.

Back from the first break, Tully brings up that Ellis has been an instagramming fool lately? Why? Because he’s posting pictures sent to him by fans of them doing cool shit with their copies of ‘The Awesome Guide to Life’ and sending the people with the best pictures some care packages. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or DM or instagram your pics and hopefully he’ll share it on his social media, think that you are the best, and send you some free shit!!!!! Get on it!!! You don’t need me to tell you his handles, you already know them!!!! Also, if you are one of the people making a fuss over guns or grenades or whatever…please shut up. No one cares. You may care, and the person wasting their time fighting with you may care, but…shut up. You aren’t going to get anything accomplished. Tully says that he’s over the debates and just doesn’t get involved because it’s pointless. It is pointless. Comments make people unafraid of being loud and stupid. It’s the curse of the internet. Ellis agrees, because the King and Queen are always on the same page lately, and adds that, for the record, he doesn’t think the guy with a grenade on his table is a bad guy. They get to talking about some gun rights/laws and such, and Ellis thinks that hunting if you’re hunting for food is cool, but he doesn’t live a life that’s greatly impacted by whether or not he can use a gun so he really doesn’t care all that much. For Tully it comes to: guns for hunting are cool, guns for killing people are terrible, and he’s not allowed to have an opinion because he didn’t grow up around guns, so, whatever.

Time for some MMA Breaking News! Dana White and the UFC have announced that there will be no more fighters on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Ellis says that this is going to be bad news for some of the older guys in the UFC game because it’s basically the only reason that they still are in the game, but he’s not really against the decision to do it (and neither is Tully) because those guys are past their prime anyway. However, it’s gonna suck big time for Vitor Belfort who has admitted that he is on TRT and he’s supposed to be fighting Chris Weidman for the middleweight belt and you can’t get off TRT once you’re on it. Is there even a way to test to see if someone is using TRT as opposed to having naturally high testosterone levels? Tully tells Ellis that testosterone occurs in everyone at different levels naturally, so unless there’s a way to specifically test for TRT they would have to set a really really high threshold for how much testosterone is considered ‘fishy’, but a caller does call in a few minutes later to say that it can be tested for and is able to be differentiated between TRT and naturally occurring testosterone. Bad news for UFC fighters who are on TRT, this could be a game changer. Ellis says that maybe they should start a new sport for guys who are on steroids and TRT where he and Tully were the announcers because that shit would be out of control. People’d be dying left and right, they could have a Super Heavyweight Class, a Brontosaurus class, and people could knock each other’s brains out. Tully is all for it, after all- it isn’t going to create more roiders…it’s just going to give the ones that already exist a place to go. In other MMA news, GSP says that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Ellis says that he should probably just start shutting the fuck up because he seems to be complaining a lot lately. Ellis then talks about watching Ultimate Fighter: Canada vs Australia last night and how the Canadians were kicking the Aussie’s asses, and it wasn’t fun for him to watch. He also thinks that Canadians have the advantage with sports that start in the United States because the US is just a couple hours away in the car and they get to know about the stuff faster and can get down here a lot easier.

It’s Acadamy Award time and Betsey suggested to the show that the guys bet on who is going to win in the important categories. What does the loser have to do? They have to dress up as a woman and solicit pictures (5 to be exact) with strangers while in drag. Ellis really doesn’t want to have to do that (but I think he’d make a pretty lady lmao) but he’s going to make the wager anyway because he’s a good sport. The categories they are betting on are Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. Now…remember that order because here is who the guys picked for each of those:
Tully: Gravity, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and ‘Gravity Guy’ Director
Ellis: Dallas Buyers Club, Matthey McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and Gravity Director
Jetta: Her, Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, Jennifer Lawrence, and Steve McQueen
CumTard: Wolf of Wall Street, Matthew McConaughey, Judy Dench, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and O’Russell.
Now…with they way they went, and with me having seen absolutely none of the nominated films…it seems to me like Jetta is screwed. I mean…Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard’s picks were all pretty much the same, and Jetta went in the opposite direction, so he’s kind of fucked unless there is some sort of upset at the Acadamy Awards. But…maybe that’s a good thing because he’d make the most convincing female, in my humble opinion.

Back from the break they are watching a video where there is a preacher farting a lot and I had gone to pee and that is the exact thing Hubbs said when I asked him what I missed, so this really run-on sentence part of the recap is brought to you by Hubbs. After the farting preacher, Tully tells Ellis that in Harlem, NY there is a super homophobic Church sign which is blaming Obama for releasing the ‘gay demon’ and telling black women to watch out or they’ll lose their men to white gay men. It’s super offensive, but also really funny and Ellis says that of course the gay apocalypse would be started by the white man. But don’t worry, what happens in gay zombieland- stays in gay zombieland. Ellis is going to make a shirt that says that, and I will totally wear it. Jetta, CumTard, and Hardcore the Intern have been working on finally putting together the Sting Pong table but they had to stop before finishing because they have to bang some things into place and cant do that while other shows are on the air. Ellis tells them to ‘Shawshank it’ and make other noise to cancel it out. They do this on the air and it literally sounds like a bunch of animals going batshit crazy at the zoo. Wilson tries to poop on their noisy party, but he isn’t successful, and they Shawshank it twice before Ellis says they should cool it and do it again in a little bit.

They play a game which was thought up by @Mike_in_Canada and it’s called Sex, Sports, or Animal and involves them listening to short audio clips where some sort of something (either sex, sports, or animals) are making noise and they have to guess which is which and then they watch the corresponding video clip for ‘the reveal’. There is no way for me to recap this, but it was a hella funny segment. Hubbs and I played along and Hubbs was really good at it. I sucked really bad and I think I guessed ‘sports’ for almost everything that I heard because I thought everything sounded like tennis or ping pong. They had a caller playing around with them in each round, and the callers actually didn’t do so bad, and the ones who guessed correctly got sent to the prize chamber and might never be seen again. A lot of the sounds that turned out to be sex involved tranny’s, so apparently CumTard spends a lot of his time watching Tranny porn, which is odd considering he is super against things going in his butt. They did a bonus round which, to me, sounded like a really long submission to Unsigned Farts, and made me want to vomit because my mind also went to the most disgusting form of porn that probably doesn’t exist involving people having explosive diarrhea and sex at the same time. Turns out it was a video of a chick with a seriously blown out hole getting ass fucked and then blowing the load out of her gaping ass. They watched/listened to that bit for wayyyyyy longer than necessary and Ellis said it was the nastiest ass that he had ever seen.

Rounding out the show we are reminded that Ellis is/was on Tom Green’s show on the AXS network tonight (and I’m still sure he was awesome) and you should/did watch that at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific time. Tully asks Ellis about the upcoming book signing and suggests that Ellis get that RSVP online invite thing out by tomorrow so that people have a week to respond, and Ellis says he’s going to talk to people at Trampoline World about reserving space and how he’ll bring shit in his truck to give away to people. They do Women, Am I right where we get to hear about a grown ass woman who wants to change her name to Sexy from Sheila, a woman who tried to poison her husband by putting poison in her own vagina, a woman who tried to kill her hospitalized husband by putting fecal matter into his IV, a woman who faked her own kidnapping and launched a gigantic manhunt for herself after calling the police to get out of a date, and a woman who called the cops to try and get banged by a cop and then called the cops again when the cop wouldn’t bang her. I am ashamed on behalf of my sex, but this reminds me of the conversation I had yesterday with Hubbs about how I’m not a girly girl, so at least there’s that. Maybe I have a guy mind or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why woman do these stupid, stupid things…and…ugh. Just ugh.

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellis is the ugly nose in the middle of your beautiful face

Tully thinks Will is very fuckable

Ellis gets his meals made for him by Katie

Will can’t fry an egg

28% of adult Americans don’t know how to cook

Vitor Belfort needs to get a spoon sponsor immediately

Devin wants a pet chicken and it’s all Katie’s fault

Chickens are loud, annoying, hideous beasts

Ellis wants a 4ft tall rooster with Thug Life tattooed across its chest

Thanks for having the most ridiculous English speaking accent ever, GSP

Tully hates award shows

CumTard thinks Cate Blanchett has a fart mouth

Christian hates Jared Leto

2014 is clearly the year of Squib

Ellis absolutely hated Gravity

Hardcore is honest about the nothing he does at the Studio

Tully is going to miss Hardcore once he’s gone

Spain is making sausage out of baby poop

Sex, Animals, and Sports sound too similar for comfort

If you give someone a kidney, you don’t own them for life

HateBean has new songs

Don’t die caller trying to do the recap should never have tried to do the recap

Tully got crazy on liquid vicodin back in the day when he had the flu because he didn’t know what hydrochodone was

Tame that na-na

 

 

Show Recap for Friday 2/14/2014

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Yesterisday as you may or may not know, yours truly was on air with Rude Jude at SiriusXM in New York City!! That’s not the point, though. The point is that Jude brought us down to where Cullen aka The Backbone works to give him a good natured ribbing about how shitty the SiriusXM app is…he wasn’t there…and today the app fucked with my life big time. Of course. And yeah, I know he has no control over how good or bad the app is, it was gonna be an LOL sesh…and it just sort of figures that today it decided to give me a shit time. Honestly, I am still so pumped after all that happened yesterday (which I will do a full write up of that will be posted tomorrow, I promise :) that I’m not as pissed abound it as I would be on an ordinary day, but I do apologize in advance if this recap is not quite up to snuff. But, you love me, right?

Today is valentine’s day! Which is weird, so says Ellis, and I tend to agree with him o  that one. Ellis proclaims thay v-day is a fake holiday because he doesn’t get a day off for it and he doesn’t need the government telling him when to tell his chick that he loves her. Cause he loves her everyday. Son. Ellis says he does feel the pressure a bit because Katie has ‘hopeless romantic’ tattooed on her forearm, but she’s also the dummy who fell in love with a guy who forgets stuff. Not to worry though, cause he did get her flowers and made her a card. Tully thinks more people think of v-day as a greeting card holiday as opposed to a government conspiracy holiday, and speaking of greeting cards and conspiracies…why the fuck do cards cost 4 times as much now than they did 10 years ago? And for that matter,  how come Hallmark has the monopoly on greeting cards? Sure, there are other greeting card companies, but no one brings in the dough like the gold crown does, and if you disagree- it’s because you’re lying to yourself. Ellis talks about how he thinks that people think that if you go around making a card for your chick that you aren’t all that awesome because it doesn’t usually result in a professional looking object. Tully adds a qualifier stating that it’s uncool if you go around making things as gifts for people because you’re cheap, but if you do it because you really love that person and want to give them something one of a kind and from the heart, then you’re pretty cool. I agree…if you make me something- I keep that shit forever. Before we started working together Hubbs dropped by my office and doodled something for me on a post it note while I was helping a patient and I still have that post it note doodle. Homemade shit is the best.

Tully mentions that he sounds all nasally, which you couldn’t hear since you’re reading this and probably didn’t therefore listen to the show at all and it’s because he has allergies. No, it wasn’t because of his allergies that yesterday was a ‘Best Of’ day instead of a live show. It’s allergies…if he had been sick again and was gonna miss the show they would have just had Christian in like on Monday. No, the reason that there was no show yesterday had nothing to do with the fact that I couldn’t listen because I was hanging with Rude Jude (yeah, I’m mentioning it again…it’s gonna make me feel cool for…ever, or at least like a week or something) and Ellis thought it was best not to test the loyalty of Ellisfam should he be disappointed (like I would win, anyway, way to be flattering Ellis), it was because Ellis was really sleep deprived and in the throes of an all day panic attack. Ellis takes some pills to help him sleep at night and it can be hard for him to get to the doctor’s office to get his prescription because he is a busy man doing radio, making books, and trying to entertain us like the super amazing man that he is, and his script ran out. He did talk to his doctor’s receptionist who he said became super interested in helping him out once he mentioned that he had a book out, but due to a communication error between him and Katie, the prescription was never picked up. At first Ellis thought that he was gonna going to be okay but after falling asleep at midnight and waking up an hour later he kind of knew that shit was going to suck hard. And it did. He sent texts out canceling his plans for yesterday, and by ten in the morning he was in full panic attack mode and didn’t even want to be near his phone. He said having panic attacks isn’t as bad as it used to be, because at this point he knows what they are and knows that he isn’t going to die, but they still suck mad balls, yo. He hung with the kids, although he wasn’t on top of his Daddy Ellis game due to the anxiety and sleep deprivation, but he still was a good dad and got kicked in the balls a few times whole wrestling around with Tiggie. By the end of the night he had his prescription and put Devin to bed before passing out, although he is pretty sure he fell asleep before Devin did.

A crazy person said some shit to Katie this morning but promptly shut the fuck up after Ellis told him that if he didn’t that he would have the crazy smacked from his face. Tully said he and his wife and DudeBro encountered a crazy person on their walk last night and they talked about how a lot of crazy people pop off at the mouth at women because they are easy targets. Tully thinks that it’s because everyone in the world likes to feel powerful and exercise that power in some way, and when you’re a crazy person, the only people you can really have power over are ladies. Last night in Manhattan Hubbs and I had a crazy person incident (and really we were lucky cause, you know, Manhattan) and Hubbs went the Ellis route and told the guy he’d slap the teeth out of his mouth if he kept bothering me. And poof…all of a sudden the guy wasn’t that crazy anymore and he walked away with an apology, probably to go bother some other girl who didn’t have a scary tattooed guy with her. They then discuss that there is definitely a difference between crazy on drugs people and crazy mentally disabled people and the people who can’t help being crazy get a pass because most of the time they aren’t aware that they are on Earth and the people around them aren’t soul sucking monsters. Ellis also went on a riff about Detective Stabler from Law and Order SVU and his batshit crazy daughter and crazy batshit mom and…I don’t feel the need to rehash it because if you are a fan of Law and Order SVU you already know what I’m talking about, and if you aren’t…it’s on Netflix and this schmabibble erupts around season 8.

Time for some Wolfknives names with Will!!! But first, Ellis gives him a home made Valentine that says “Will you bean mine?” Which is awesome on so many levels that it’s hard to comprehend. Without further ado…welcome to the Wolfknives The Spanish Crowe, Hot Box, B.A. Baracus, Necklace Raccoon, Ol’ Scabby, Charlie Chapstick, Dave the Grapest, The Grapey, Ass To Mouth, Huge Tits, The Sweaty Latino, Squatch, and Loogie Howser!!!! Do us proud!!!

Tully brings up that Katie is going to be dropping by, and Ellis says that yeah, she is, but first she’s dropping something off somewhere for Devin’s braces. Ellis says that Devin is adjusting really well to life with braces and says that she feels like it’s also helping to open her nasal passages so she can breathe better. Two birds…one stone. Tully mentions that he slept with a nose strip on last night because apparently he is a horrible snorer and his wife asked him to do it (most likely because his allergies are acting up) and that shit worked like a charm. How bad is his snoring? Well, back when he was younger one of his girlfriends invited her friend over just to listen to him snore. That sounds pretty bad to me, I mean, if one of my friends made me come over to hear her man snore, the walls better be shaking. All I’m saying. He used to even tell his girlfriends to kick him out of bed if his snoring was too loud, because he didn’t want to listen to them complain about not being able to sleep because of him. Ellis says that he snores every once in a while also, but usually only when Fifty is in bed snoring with him. Which is kind of weird.

Back from the break is where my app fucked up and decided to jump around in time and I came in in the middle of a conversation about some lady who wrote a negative review about Ellis’ new book The Awesome Guide To Life, which is available for pre-order right now at theawesomeguidetolife.com. She seems to take issue with the fact that Ellis is a chauvenistic pig, which she thinks because she obviously has never heard a joke before and lives an exceptionally literal lifestyle.  SMH it’s girls like her that give the rest of us a bad name. But anyway,  now Katie is in the studio to draw an accurate representation of Ellis’ dick in one copy of the book,  which one lucky customer will receive in the mail in only a few days time!!!!!!!!! Katie wants to draw it on Ellis’ face,  but gets beaten down by him and Tully and agrees the best place for it is probably on the plain white title page. Ellis takes his dick out of his pants and after some discussion as to how it should be drawn, Katie sets to work. Ellis stops her about halfway through because he is offended that she isn’t drawing it actual size and makes her label it as such. She then starts to work on a new book and Tully almost sees Jason’s manhood when he leans back in his chair and sees the mirrored ceiling staring back at him. HAHA. I dont believe that he didn’t see it, but would rather keep it to himself and cherish that memory forever. When Katie is done Will wants to see the drawing and then  immediately regrets it because Katie is a good artist and he will never be able to unsee that image. This makes Ellis not want to give the book away because he wants to posess something that can so easily amd effectively ruin someone’s life.

Tully made some special Valentine’s chocolates with some gnarly ingredients for Jetta and Cumtard to try in their V-day themed game.  Wilson helps out by rattling off some statistics and the guys have to try and guess if they’re accurate or not.  During this game we learn that 25% of americans would consider religious conversion for love,  Cumtard would rather eat a chocolate covered dog turd than a chocolate covered onion,  51% of married couples would rather spend today with their pet than their spouse,  49% of guys would dump their girlfriend if she got fat,  and chocolate candy really shouldn’t be made with Japanese spices,  mayonnaise, garlic, oysters,  or peppers.

Back from another break Fat Mike from NoFX is in the studio with his fiancee,  and as today is the holiday of love they are here to talk about when you love someone and you love either beating the shit out of them, or loving when they beat the shit out of you. BDSM is a game this couple has been in for a while now and they give a pretty good explanation of it to Ellis, or at least I think they do because my app shit out about thirty times while they were on the air, which is so sad because I really love the BDSM scene and so does Joe and inspiration is a wonderful thing.  My app does come back to life to hear Fat Mike’s fiancée whip Katie and I will definitely be downloading the episode on demand so I can hear whatever other goodies I may have missed during this segment.

At the end of the show Tully and Ellis bring Cumtard in to talK more about his love life and that’s when my app decided to die for good.  Sorry for how anticlimactic that was. I’m sure it was insightful and hilarious, and Cumtard probably still refused to embrace buttplay at some point. Final calls were probably very much like how final calls normally are,  and there may have even been a recapper… That I still prolly owned with this three quarters of a recap that I have spent the past hour and fifteen minutes typing out on my phone (because technology is really not on my side today and I am dedicated enough to do this from my fucking iphone because I love you guys and try not to suck too hard).

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!!

Show Recap for Thursday 1/30/2014

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Welcome to the show of increasingly pregnant pauses!!!! Also known as, The Jason Ellis Show. Why is it the show of increasingly pregnant pauses? You’ll find out soon…just keep on reading!!!

Ellis opens up the show talking about how sometimes he forgets to press buttons, but he also had an epiphany and connected with his daughter, Devin, all because he listened to her singing in the car. He realized that he could connect to her over her love of music, because he, too, loves music and knows a good bit about it, and he is totally willing to listen to pop music if that’s what his daughter listens to and that’s how they can connect. He talked about Devin singing in the car and how she was unafraid to sing A Capella to Rihanna for a solid 15 minutes, and that she did a great job of it. Ellis sings in the car a lot in front of her, but not really in front of anyone else, although he did used to sing in the car with Mummy to the tunes of Justin Timberlake and his first solo album because ‘Cry Me a River’ was good shit then and it’s still some good shit now. Breaking news (but not really) One Direction is a really bad pop group, and Ellis thinks it’s a stretch to even call them a boy band because there is not one redeeming quality of any of them that would make them a decent boy band. Just sayin. All this talk about pop music gets Ellis talking about American Idol. He watches American Idol now. This season the judges include J. Lo, Nicole Kidman’s Husband, and Harry Connick Jr and Katie says that they aren’t using Ryan Seacrest as much as they used to. Ellis likes American Idol because he thinks it’s amazing to see the talent that some of the people out there have, as well as the amount of crazy some people are who are really die hard convinced that they can sing. Ellis also thinks it’s funny because J. Lo doesn’t seem to know all that much about music, and she tends to say things that make the other guys want to call her a dumb bitch, but they can’t call her a dumb bitch because it’s J. Lo and the show is on Fox. Tully isn’t surprised that J. Lo isn’t all that knowledgeable about music because out of all of her talents, her musical ability lays at the bottom. Her being hot is her number one talent, if any of you out there were wondering, and yeah, she’s a better actress than she is a singer. Ellis likes Jennifer Lopez now more than he ever did before, especially since she has been ‘letting herself go’ and there’s more of a real person leaking through the cracks of her carefully tailored facade.

In other news…Ellis is pretty convinced that the new intern, whose name I believe is Adam, is actually an undercover spy working for another radio show sent to The Jason Ellis Show to secretly record and gather intel about what goes on behind the scenes. He also thinks that (probably) Adam is secretly infatuated with him based purely on how much he hates Ellis, because it is hard to hate someone that much without also being a little bit in love with them. Tully isn’t quite sure he agrees with Ellis about this, although he wishes that it were true, and just thinks that Probably Adam hates them, hates the show, and is spending his time texting his friends about the insane shit that the monkeys on the show are doing. But…it might be a good idea to check if Probably Adam is wearing a wire. Someone, quick! Go rip open the front of Probably Adam’s shirt and see if there’s a wire taped to his newly-shaven chest!!!!! There probably is since he’s Probably Adam. That’s my opinion at least. Why doesn’t Ellis check him for a wire? Because Probably Adam really is infatuated with him and he would get too excited, whip his dick out, and start jacking off right there since he has no qualms about masturbating in public as he has pics of himself masturbating in the shower with another dude on his Instagram. Allegedly. Tully hasn’t seen the pic, but Ellis has talked about it a few times. I’m a pretty big IG troll, but I haven’t checked out Probably Adam’s account yet, so I can’t confirm if this picture exists or not, and if it did at one point, Probably Adam probably has taken it down after it was broadcast on the radio. Because, you know, probably.

Back to talking about American Idol related things, for some reason…actually, the reason is that Tully keeps trying to ask a question about it and then Ellis starts talking about something else regarding American Idol instead (it was pretty funny how many times it happened), Ryan Seacrest is fat. At least in Ellis’ opinion. Also, he really isn’t all that talented. Tully describes him as operating at his maximum capacity- meaning that what you see is what you get and Ryan Seacrest will never throw anyone for a loop. Pop Stars most likely constantly interview with him because he is a safe bet and he has never met an envelope that he would like to push. Pushing is mean, guys. Don’t ever look to Ryan Seacrest to ask Britney Spears what the fuck was going through her mind when she shaved her head, or where the bodies of Rihanna’s murder victims are….those are questions that Ellis would ask, and stars like Spears and Rihanna would never be on TJES because their managers don’t want them being asked questions of that nature. Why? It might ruin their careers. Ellis and Tully agree that celebrities should be more honest and that the world would be a much better place is super famous people came clean about things and didn’t have questions that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be asked. Society tends to put celebrities up on a pedestal and often try to imitate them, so if celebs were more honest about themselves and the things that they did/do/are going to do then so would the rest of the people around the world. Kumbaya-ddayadda.

After calling out Jetta for checking himself out in his reflection in the glass, Ellis talks about how he wants to play Sting Pong and he doesn’t understand why it’s so hard. Why is it so hard? Because Will told Cumtard that in order for Sting Pong to be done properly they would have to have advanced notice and spend $500 of their budget to get an engineer in and mic up the prize chamber. Ellis and Tully are curious as to why there has to be so much hubbub when they could just plug an extension cord into the microphones that they already have and…broadcast from the prize chamber. In fact, to demonstrate how easy that would be, Tully plugs an extension cord into a microphone and goes to ask Will why they can’t do what he is doing at that very moment and have their game of Sting Pong. Hahahahahahahahaha. Funny, right? Ummmmm…no. Not funny at all. At least according to Mr. Will Pendarvis. Will refuses to talk to Tully in the mic in the prize chamber and instead joins Ellis in the studio where they then get into an argument about this whole schmabibble. Like….a real argument. There is a lot of yelling, a lot of reading texts between Will and Cumtard, a lot of questioning what exactly is more ‘proper’ about Will’s way versus their way, and a lot of butt hurt feelings flying around the room, smacking people in the face, and calling them pussydicks, or something. This is the cause of all of the pregnant pauses, by the way, because the dark cloud that descends onto the studio due to what was supposed to be a little pokey-fun haha joking lasts for the rest of the broadcast. Now…I listened to this part of the show twice because the first time it made me feel super uncomfortable because it was like listening to my parents argue over something stupid and listening to it the second time around let me hear it all with a more objective ear…and yeah…I am that dedicated to trying to do a quality recap, guys, but what I gathered was that Will was trying to get across that his job is to be concerned about the sound quality of the broadcast and maybe he was concerned that the mics on extension cords wouldn’t provide as high quality a sound as ones that were set up by engineers (although they sounded fine on my end) but he got super defensive when Ellis accused him of throwing up roadblocks for the show since he states “I fight so hard to tear roadblocks down for this show”. He really didn’t want to explain to Tully why exactly his way of doing things was more proper compared to the Ellis/Tully ghetto extension cord mics, and sounded like he wanted to punch Tully in the face for his persistence in asking that question. Ellis did also get super defensive at one point when he perceived Will to be attacking his bit and that’s kind of the point when the yelling really really started. It all culminated in Will telling them to fuck off and he left the studio….and the building…not to be seen nor heard from again for the rest of the broadcast.

Pregnant pause.

Tully, Ellis, and Cumtard try and talk about what the fuck just happened and how what was supposed to be a tongue in cheek funny haha five minute bit turned into that load of fuck off assery, and Cumtard feels like the prize chamber is gonna be weird now because no one has ever seen Will that pissed off before. Ever. Calls are taken from callers and some people think Will is right and others think that he is wrong. Is Will having a bad day and bummed out about something else and this just rubbed him the wrong way? We may never know. No…lie…we’ll probably find out once Will has had a chance to cool down.

Back from the break it’s time for Hollywood News. What’s in the news? Oh, by the way, Hi Mike Jasper! Anyway…Steven Segal is in the news. No, he didn’t teach another UFC fighter the best front kick of all the front kicks anyone has ever front kicked, he isn’t in the news because he has gotten so fat that his face is eating his eyes…he’s BFFs with Vladimir Putin. That’s the guy in charge of Russia, in case you didn’t know. Why is this a big deal? Probably because no one in any actual position of power in the United States rubs elbows with Putin they way that Segal does and the Olympics are being held there this year. They hate gay people, so, who would want to be friends with them, anyway? But Segal did an interview with Huckabee about how awesome Russia is and how no one should be scared of terrorist attacks during the Olympics because Segal is also BFF’s with the Russian Anti-terrorist task force (and also probably trained them) and he says that they are on top of their game (thanks to him). Speaking of fat people, Rob Kardashian (aka, the least famous of all the Kardashians and also the only one that has been confirmed to have a dong) is in the news for being fat. Really though. It’s some sort of big deal that he’s rich and fat. He’s trying to lose weight and goes to the gym all of the time and there are pics of him leaving the gym and entering the gym and he’s all fat and stuff, which is a shame since he is rich and has the means to not be fat. I bet the fat Kardashian sister is pretty happy that he’s fat since now everyone talks about him being fat instead of talking about her being fat (she isn’t fat, at all, by the way). I don’t know why anyone cares that this guy is fat and I don’t know why this is considered news. Whatever. Lindsay Lohan is also in the news because someone allegedly stole half of her $75,000 fur coat. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch for having $75,000 to spend on a fucking coat. No further attention shall be afforded to that bitch from me for losing half of her third-world-feeding coat in a club cause she was probs all sorts of out of her face on drugs. In a sort of extension of Hollywood News, Tully and Ellis bring up Justin Bieber and say that everyone needs to get the fuck over it already. Agreed. Why the fuck should he be in the news for being a stupid teenager? Why are people wasting their time petitioning the White House to have him deported? Tully is right when he says that he is a product of what our society does to famous people. We love building them up and we fucking glory in their messy downfalls. He’s 19, he’s stupid, hopefully he gets some good advice, grows the fuck up, and becomes a productive member of society. Shaq is also in the news because he’s trying to keep his kids off of reality tv, which his ex wife is trying to get them on because she wants them to be on a reality show with her. Good for you, Shaq, kids shouldn’t be on reality tv.

Back from the break they were talking about something but I got distracted by BitPimps because he tweeted me to tell me that Jude gave me a shout out on PillMix and I was excited because…I have a crush on him. When my excitement died down Ellis was talking about fighting some chick in Sumo suits and Kit Cope taking it too far. But then, Tully finally got to ask his question about American Idol, which was, since American Idol has been around for so long are the people who win it now rejects from previous years? Mike Jasper says that yeah, they probably are, because he knows that when trying out for The Ultimate Fighter, there were people who had been there 3 or 4 times already trying out. So…American Idol is basically just like The Ultimate Fighter. At least, that’s what I took away from that. Tully asked Ellis if he watched Workaholics last night, and he did, and he says that it was so funny and he didn’t know that you could do the things that they do on tv. Ellis thinks that if The Jason Ellis Show wrote a television show it would be just like Workaholics, possibly funnier, especially now that he knows that you can do stuff like that on tv. Jasper asks why Ellis doesn’t get a television show like the Dish Network show and Tully asks Jasper why he just doesn’t go fight Chris Weidman on Long Island (hell yeah!!!!) and they’ll call the fight and put it on pay per view.

Next Jetta comes in to help the guys play a game of ‘This or That’ sent in by Betsy, involving the scenario if they were going to Mars to start a new civilization and they could only bring this or that which would they choose….the results are as follows:

  • Katie over Toilet Paper- cause Ellis uses baby wipes anyway you nasty dingleberry mother fuckers
  • Beatles Discography over Metallica’s Discography- cause you just have to bring The Beatles, man
  • Arnold Schwarzeneggar over Sly Stallon- cause Arnold made gyms main stream and Sly Stallone turns every woman he touches into a big pile
  • Chairs over pillows- cause shirts can be pillows and no one wants to stand all day
  • The Burger King King over Ronald McDonald- cause Ronald is basically a pedophile and murderer, the Hamburgler is a dick, and Grimace is fat
  • Gay Marriage over Chad Reed- cause Gay Rights are more important than any one man
  • The Bible over Shia Lebouf- because the Bible would help more people in the long run
  • White People over Mexicans- cause….White Power?
  • Porn over Vaporizers- cause yay porn
  • Condoms over Tacos- cause safe sex is more important than tacos, and you’ll still have fajitas
  • Shrooms over Ecstacy- cause shrooms do less damage to you
  • Blake Anderson over Dune Buggies -cause one type of car is not worth more than one human life
  • Baby Wipes over Deoderant- cause we already have no TP on Mars
  • UFC over Supercross -cause UFC, duh
  • Beer over Coffee -cause people would get too wasted on other, harder liquor
  • Neither Advil nor Baby Pictures -cause no one cares
  • Andy Dick over Steve Gutenburg- cause he would have a better reality show

There will probably be more of this game in the future, because Ellis needs more to work with on Mars than just a Beatles CD and baby wipes.

Back from the last break…Tully calls Ellis ‘Will’ and things get awkward again. There is more discussion about how they thought Will would laugh along with the rest of them, and how twitter and IG are agreeing with Will. Ellis is surprised with the hate they are getting and says that we don’t know what goes on and Tully says that 9 days out of 10 Will would have laughed along with the rest of them and they could have gotten on with the show. Wrapping up the show they talk about some news from around the world, and I missed a couple minutes of it because my app fucked up (wow, that’s 2 excuses for missed shit in one article, damn, I’m slipping) but when it kicked back in they were talking about a couple in England that after being married in the 70s got divorced in the 90s (and continuing to co-habitate) the guy found a younger chick and offered to let his ex wife to continue to live with them as a housekeeper. But, for some reason, she would rather have half of his 13 Million Pounds worth of Net Worth. In the Philippines, the police are in hot water for having a Wheel of Torture in their prison to punish prisoners with, but after Tully and Ellis review some of the ‘tortures’ they don’t seem that bad and TJES Wheel of Doom seems way worse. Wrapping up the show are, as always, final calls, which were truly abysmal tonight…lots of gibberish and gunfire…lots of death…but…not everyone can recap like us over here at NYA, after all. *pops collar*

Things we learned on TJES today:

There should be 4-6 bottles of water in the studio at the start of the show

Alpha Brain (by Onnit) has really improved Ellis’ memory and Jetta should take it

PhunckyTips are groundbreaking

Harry Connick Jr was in ID4 with Bill Pullman, Pullman is friends with the Hawk, and he’s the man

Ellis sang J. Lo’s song better than her, and that’s a fact

Will had a bad day

People in the UFC get 25 Grand if they refer to S. Segal as ‘Sensei’ (probably)

NBA players don’t have hot wives…they have hot girlfriends

Ellis wants to fight Shaq…and he would win

Ellis will be on the Radio tomorrow despite it being Howard Stern’s birthday, because Nick Swardson is already booked to be on the show and he hasn’t seen him since EM9

Mike Jasper would rather have Tacos than Condoms on Mars

If Tully thinks Ellis is right, then he’s right

If anyone was going to punch others today, it would have been Will

Ellis always smells his water because Will tried to poison him once

BitPimps is a cool dude

16 year olds have bad robbery ideas

Ellis is going to go home and punch Mike Jasper in the face

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