Show recap for Thursday 3/6/2014

Goodness gracious me…I’m currently in a slight birthday cake coma. It was an Oreo Cookie ice cream cake that the Fat Kid picked out and I had ice cream on Sunday which puts my ice cream intake at a 200% increase compared to my normal ice cream eating habits. No, I’m not a normal person- I don’t really like ice cream that much. I’m also lactose intolerant so that might have something to do with it. I’m also mildly colorblind and I’m allergic to Tylenol and Aspirin. Wait, what? You didn’t come here to read about me? Whatever. I see how it is. Just another female to be used and abused by the predominantly male fan base of that guy you’re actually here to read about. I’m used to it.

On to that guy who talks on the radio every day (I only talk here once a week, why not get to know me a bit- I have boobies…he doesn’t)…Ellis opens up the show talking about how if you’re really not that good you should find something that you’re good at and milk that slot for everything that it’s worth. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either but, Ellis, like me, is beautiful and in case you didn’t know- beautiful people like us don’t have to make sense. Really he’s talking about how he watched a movie and it was a good movie up until the end, and it probably would have been a better movie if the actor guy who’s that guy from that other movie that Ellis couldn’t stand was better at doing his job. It comes out that the movie was called Oldboy and the actor guy from that other movie (Jonah Hex) is called Josh Brolin and he’s a big deal in Hollywood and he’s probably only really able to get away with being a big deal because he’s handsome. One of the big beef’s that Ellis had with the movie was that the effects weren’t good cause at the end of the movie it was supposed to be twenty years later and Brolin came out looking younger than he did when he went in. That’s not right. Oldboy is also apparently the remake of some other movie which may or may not also be called Oldboy and Tully’s chick and CumTard are big fans of the original. Ellis suggests that someone should make a remake of the remake and make it suck less because if it sucked less it would be fucking amazing.

Speaking of movies and actors and visual affects and whatnot, Mr. Will Pendarvis himself comes into the studio to chime in on the subject because he watches True Detective and that show is the ish, mate. Do people still say that? ‘The ish’? I never really got it, but then again, people may have never said it and that could be one of the many, many lies that I tell on a daily basis that I think it the truth because on top of being sort of colorblind, lactose intolerant, and allergic to the most common painkillers known to man…I’m a bit crazy (but I assure you it’s mostly in that sexy, crazy, freak in the sheets kind of way). Anyway, Will says that True Detective is a great TV show and if they can make Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson look older and younger and fatter and thinner and whacked out on smack for television than they should be able to make that other guy look older for that movie called Oldboy. I mean…Old is even in the title, so you think they’d put in some effort there. Will then says that he thought McConnaughey looked golden and glowing like an Oscar while he was accepting his golden statue whom he probably lovingly calls ‘Ozzie’ and Ellis is no longer the biggest fan of McConnaughey in the room. However, Tully and Ellis call Wills sweet reminisce of McConnaughey (typing that name over and over is doing horribly things to my typing rhythm) being a golden god into question and Will challenges them to cue up some photographic evidence. And, wouldn’t ya know…he kind of does look overly dewy and golden and they must have put a ton of stage makeup on him before he went up to be on stage. Go figure. This all spirals into lots of McConnaughey talk- he’s awesome, he’s at the peak of his career, he’s awesome, he’s the new (albeit old) blood leading man that Hollywood needs right now, he’s awesome, he’s awesome, Surfer Dude, awesome, and really…I don’t want to type his name out again for a while. I do agree with Tully saying that the current Hollywood leading men are getting kind of stale because what more are we really going to see of DiCaprio, Pitt, Cruise, Clooney, etc., that we haven’t seen already? I mean, yeah, they are all great actors and they all have great range…but…none of them are pumping out anything that we haven’t seen before and McConnaughey (goddammit) is pushing the envelope and putting out some of the best stuff of his entire career. Go MM! Going to the phones there’s a caller who suggests Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf, DDD! Keytarist) as the next big thing in Hollywood, cause, why the fuck not, but he didn’t have any evidence or gossip, he was just throwing the name out there in the hopes of Beetleguiceing him into super Hollywood fame-dom. This gets the guys on the subject of Posey and the MTV version of Teen Wolf that he is currently killing it on a week to week basis and how MTV Teen Wolf is super dark and full of drama and murder and very unlike the 80’s Michael J. Fox version. Tully brings up that maybe the original script, the one that we have never got to see obvi, could have been filled with murder, Tenn Wolf dunking heads on the basketball court, raping cheerleaders (yikes, I hope not, I’d rather imagine some freaky/furry consensual sex but that’s just me), and all around carnage throughout the basketball season. It’s not that big of a stretch, motherfucker was a legit werewolf. More TV talk about how tv has gotten sweet and movies are going downhill. Tully postulates that Hollywood movies are looking to make the big budget ‘one size fits all’ filibusters that are going to bring in billions on a worldwide market and part of the price you pay for that is overall quality so far as plot and character development (which is you know, what makes a good movie actually good) whereas TV has all the benefits of the good technology, but is only looking to meet the demand of our country. TV has become a niche market and is getting better and better. I’ll take their word for it, because I really don’t watch television (see…fucking crazy bitch right here). A first time listener named Bob, Welcome Bob, called in to tell Ellis that he is hooked and he will continue listening, and thanks for talking about crazy, rapey, murder Teen Wolf werewolf, and well, then, that got awkward fast, but thanks for listening Bob! There is some talk about Law and Order SVU and basically getting the entire cast to come on the show and then go on to chit chat about some of the shows that Tully watches that Ellis should check out like Broad City and Louie. Oh…and there is some race in a desert happening next weekend. Sorry…Racing really doesn’t do it for me. It’s the Mint 400 or 500 or something and there’s gonna be a Tequila truck and Kenda Perez should be Ellis’ imaginary navigator in the happy place where Ellis is actually participating in the event, so that when they got stranded he could bang her, but make sure she knew that it was her idea so that she couldn’t be mad at him afterward.

Back from the break Dr. Drew Pinsky is joining Ellis and Tully in the studio (yayyyyyyyy!!!! I LOVE Dr. Drew!!!) They start the segment off talking about a recent decision handed down by Massachusetts legal system that a man who was taking ‘upskirt’ photos of women was within his legal rights. Why? Well, because their Peeping Tom laws have a big loophole in the wording and state something along the lines of ‘well, bitches aren’t naked so…’ and Dr. Drew thinks that it is fucking insanity. I agree. Hubbs disagreed. Yeah. I know. I was driving when he said this and I almost swerved off the goddamn road. We got into an argument over it. Full on, half hour debate about it where the words, “This is the first time you have actually ever disgusted me” came out of my mouth (his response, “Really? The first time?”) and I was furious and refused to talk to him about it further. That whole silence thing lasted about two and a half minutes because I HAD to understand his point of view on this. His argument was that he thought it was good that Massachusetts ruled based on the existing law because the judicial system can get out of control handing down punishments based on loose interpretations of the written law. He also thinks upskirt photos are hot. Feeling like I no longer knew the man sitting beside me, I went further into the discussion because I just had to understand. Had to. I mean, I know what this man is going to say before he knows usually, and I felt like this was out of left field. It comes down to, no- no one should have their privacy invaded, no one should have photos taken up their skirt/dress without agreeing to it (he is of the opinion that porn star/wanna be porn star upskirts are hot, which I am perfectly fine with and in agreement with), and yeah, he would murder someone who did something like that to me. Thank fucking gods, because for a second there, I was really freaked the fuck out. As of this afternoon Massachusetts did pass a law which banned the act of taking ‘upskirt’ pictures in Massachusetts where the subject was unaware that they were being the object of someone’s fetish. Back to what happened on the show and not in my life (and I’m still of the opinion that you’re a bit nutty if you don’t wanna know what goes on in my life) Dr. Drew thinks this whole upskirt fiasco is just as insane as this spoiled little bitch who is suing her parents for child support, college support, and ‘I’m an asshole’ support in New Jersey. Nothing more on the subject was talked about because Dr. Drew mentioned how he wanted Ellis to be on the show so bad for the upskirt thing, but he wasn’t going to be on (the hot Attorney that Ellis would like to bone is on instead) and they get side tracked and never come back to the subject.

Instead they start talking about how they are a good gay couple. Haha. Seriously though. That wasn’t actually a joke, it was said by Ellis and Drew and I’m pretty sure everyone was in agreement. It happened because when Ellis asked Drew how he was doing, the good doc answered that he was feeling ‘weirdly emotional’ and Ellis pointed out that he’s always emotional, which is good, but he’s kind of like a woman. Dr. Drew took no offense to this because he thinks that women are more evolved and plain old better versions of people than the male counterpart (girl power, yo), and he thinks that he and Ellis pair up well because Ellis has brutal manliness that balances his girliness out rather nicely. Aw. Yay love! They chitchat about Drew’s show and his podcasts for a bit and Dr. Drew says he wants his show to be successful, but it’s also important for him to have it as a base for getting information out there to help people, because that’s why he got in the game. He’s passionate about things and gets fired up about things and talks over people (on accident) not just because the producers tell him to do so, but because he really fucking cares. And..

…and nothing. My app is fucked. I tried everything. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you made it this far and I’m going to assume that you have been thusly entertained because I’m fucking amazeballs, so I’m choosing now to tell you that although I managed to get the app working again for a while, it shit out again for the last hour of the show as well, so…I don’t know what happened. I’ll be waiting for the on demand/morning replay like the rest of you people out there. I am genuinely upset about it, but the other wonderful writers of this site told me to calm down, play with my boobies, and get some hugs from Hubbs (or something like those things) because it’s okay. Shit happens. And…that’s why I love writing here. Yes, I love the show, yes I love writing, but these guys…they’re solid, wonderful people who I can write a really unnecessarily long email to whining about things and they cyber hug me back into my happy place. Boom. I’m super sad I missed Dr. Drew. I love him. I never watch him on tv or listen to his podcasts (big fan I am, right?) but I’ve read a couple of his books (because I’m a geek and also because my sister was an abnormal psych major and I read every book she did, because I’m a geek) and I fricking loved them.

Back from the break (/broken siriusXM app of doom from hellshitfucker) it’s time to talk about that date that Mr. Kevin Kraft went on with Alexa the Pornstar. Because yes folks, he did bang her, and yeah…he’s going to see her again once she’s back from New York. The story goes that Alexa was on the show with Dilleon Harper and AJ and another pornstar whose name I do not recall and did not catch and Kevin knew her publicist, Laney, and Laney then suggested that Alexa do his podcast. She agreed and she and Kevin hit if off (or at least she didn’t hate him) and bonded over death metal bands and video games and she did the podcast and then still didn’t hate him. So he mentioned that there was a concert that weekend and asked if she was going. She wasn’t but he tried to schmooze some tickets as an inside guy and failed miserably. But, she went and got her own ticket and they went to the show together anyway. Before the show, Alexa had even texted him during the week to come and hang out, but Kevin declined because he’s CumTard and doesn’t party it up during the week because he’s a big boy and has a job to do. Tully and Ellis took offense to this because it’s kind of his job to go out with a pornstar and come in the next morning with a great story about it. Really, he’s not the most organized human being ever, so how bad would staying out too late really fuck his job performance? Anyway…so they went to this concert together and hung out with some of her friends there and the party wound up back at CumTard’s apartment because Alexa invited her friends there because she was too wasted to remember that they were her friends, not his, and he was too wasted to say no to someone who has a cookie. The party was pretty rowdy, CumTard and Alexa wound up getting locked out of his room after they had already been inside of it because her friend came in and starting boning some dude on the floor and Alexa didn’t want to hear her friend making sex noises. Some callers and Will had a problem with that because she’s in porn and shouldn’t she be used to it? But I get it and here is my perspective on that. Yeah, Alexa is in porn and her friend may or may not also be in porn and if she is they quite possibly have been in porn together and heard each other making porn sex noises…but…this wasn’t porn. This was real life, not acting in a porn movie. Those were real sex noises that her friend was making not the ‘laying it on thick’ noises that pornstars make for the sake of porn. Sex, no matter what kind of sex, is an intimate sort of thing and really, the only sex noises I want to hear that aren’t coming out of speakers are my own…I wouldn’t want to hear any of my friend’s sex noises. I mean…I’ve heard some random people’s and even that was kind of awkward. My sex noises are fantastic…but I doubt any of my close girlfriends want to hear me being fucked. I was at my biffle’s house on Saturday and yeah, I showed her my tits and she showed me hers and we talked…but I don’t wanna know what she sounds like when she’s getting pounded. So…anyway…Kevin was drunk, Alexa was drunk, there were people fucking in his room, some guy wound up peeing in a cranberry juice jug and Sunday must have sucked while he was cleaning up the multitudes of used condoms and slippery sex juice doorknobs and jugs of random stranger piss. But…he seemed alright with it. Tully thinks he was taken advantage of. I don’t know. He’s Cumtarded. He didn’t have sex with Alexa that night because by the time they got into bed she wasn’t in the mood, but he did have sex with her the night before, and it was good and she was in control and they had sex in a few different positions. He wore a condom, she didn’t suck his dick, and he said it lasted around ten minutes. I’m assuming they both enjoyed it as they are still talking and have plans to see each other again, so I’m going to say congratulations to CumTard for being the only person to take advantage of the fact that he’s on a big satellite radio show other than Ellis.

What we learned on half of The Jason Ellis Show Today:

Matthew McConnaughey is sweet

J Lo keeps her boys’ moisturized

Woody Harrelson is living a sweet life

On screen couples probably bone at least once in real life, to get it out of the way, but the women are probably weird about it afterward

You need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf

Tully has a hard time keeping his classic movie monsters death methods straight

Jason Mamoa wanted to hang out with Ellis at the Chateau Marmont

Richard Belzer is a sick cunt (and that’s a compliment)

Matthew McConnaughey in Dallas Buyer’s Club made Tom Hanks in Philadelphia look like he had the common cold

You can’t drink through the drunk

Al Bundy having a black belt is old news, but Modern Family doesn’t suck

Dr. Drew thinks Piers Morgan is misunderstood

Bindy Irwin is teaming up with SeaWorld and is a sellout because her mother is an American

Death by snake is the worst death by animal ever

Sex with CumTard is exactly what you’d think it is- Very Awkward

35% of porn broadcast in Canada has to be made in Canada

Don’t punch girls in the face during sex unless you know what you’re doing on a BDSM level and you’re both way into it

The girls who really want anal are the ass whores who bring it up to you

Ellis is officially old because he was too busy to have sex with a pornstar

Hockey all day, Porn all night- Oh, Canada

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/4/14

Let it be known that if you’re in the bay area and have posted an ad on Craigslist for any sort of help needed that involves a pickup truck, I have probably responded to it. And let it also be known that Craigslist has some really miscategorized shit in its “miscellaneous manual labor” section. For shame, foot sniffing guy. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks, but letting someone massage and inhale the death stench of my working feet is not manual labor. That belongs in the “missed connections” section. Speaking of inappropriate shit posted on the internet, IT’S RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show kicked off with the guys admitting that sometimes it’s just pointless to try and plan and winging it is perfectly acceptable when all else fails. Tully got to sleep correctly last night and watch garbage truck videos on YouTube with the McGook baby this morning. He’s coming to the realization that little kids just like watching big machines move. It got weird to him because eventually Linsanity just started watching videos of other kids playing with their toys and that made Tully say “HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! YOU’VE GOT TOYS OF YOUR OWN AND I’VE GOT WORK TO DO!!! HOW’S ABOOT YOU GO MAKE USE OF WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ALL THE OTHER KIDS?!?!?!?!!?!?!” OK, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but he would’ve liked to see his kid be more of a doer and less of a watcher. Let it be known that if I’m gonna try and be Canadian, I will keep saying aboot until they let me join their courteous ranks. Tully won’t let him watch Power Rangers though, cause he doesn’t wanna bastardize his mom’s side of the family heritage by exposing him to Americanized versions of Japanese comics. Pendarvis stepped in to give his absentee father opinion that maybe Tully needs to get a second screen for the kid to watch so he can be silent and occupied, as any good southern father would suggest. But it’s not as much of a negligent parent thing to do as filming your kids playing with toys for the entertainment of others on YouTube. Still though, it’s better than feeding your kids fifty million advertisements for overpriced bits of plastic and sugary breakfast treats that are delicious any and every time of day. Tully has drawn the line at Barney though, and I have to back him. Fuck that fat purple alcoholic and his obvious yet unspoken statutory relationship with that sveldt young green dinosaur. Jason talked for a while about how it’s awesome that he knows Tony Hawk, and that Tony is well connected enough that he had Yo-Gabba-Gabba live at his kid’s birthday party. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) did a gag video for Yo-Gabba-Gabba with Tony for an almost real live hoverboard, and they trolled the entire internet with it cause Michael J. Fox sure as hell can’t be trusted not to injure himself doing something like that. Too bad it’s not real though, retired skaters with arthritic knees could probably make their mega ramp comeback with a device like that, since there’s no impact on the legs during landing due to the fact that the device is floating on air. The guys talked for a while about how technology is growing faster than ever, but in all the wrong directions, like fuel efficient cars instead of virtual fuck machines. There might be some kinda sweet medical advances sometime in the next few years though, just as long as big pharma doesn’t get their wallets wrapped around it. Still though, would’ve been nice if Einstein had gotten the flying skateboard to happen instead of that stupid atom bomb. I mean, what the fuck did that ever accomplish, really? Ellis was on Dr. Drew On Call again and it seems like some of the other guests are getting a little sick of him cause most TV talking heads are generally horrible people and don’t like anyone with opinions, conflicting or not, that prevent them from speaking their own, at length, whether you ask them to or not. Namely, somebody got uppity at Jason cause he made a joke about the Oscar Pistorious trial. Of course, nobody remembers the four minute speech about defying your haters that Katt Williams used in a comedy special in which he specifically cited Oscar Pistorious (AKA Tink Tink), cause that shit was inspirational as all fuck and showed how corrupt the Olympics really is, but who would have known he’d get arrested for shooting his girlfriend through a door after having Olympic Gold revoked due to the fact that not having legs is an unfair advantage in track and field? What it all boils down to is people are too quick to judge these days, and if you can’t learn to accept some shit once in a while, just don’t leave the fucking house anymore. Some dude called in to talk about anti-gravity technology, but that shit was already proven impossible on Mythbusters, plus dude couldn’t respond when spoken to, so the call was ended. There were some more phone calls about how to troll the Dr. Drew On Call audience and guests, like slapping the shit out of some bongos after every question, or wearing one of those two can helmets and having Sprite on one side and cough syrup on the other, gettin’ sizzurped out live on TV like an absolute retard savant. The guys kicked around more ideas for rocking out on the air when they just don’t have anything planned and need to fill time, Jason was thinking of bringing an amp in the studio for Tully to wail on, and Tully thought a drum kit would be a good idea, which Ellis countered by suggesting Steve Vai as a co-host, and that’s a hard one to argue. Ellis was on Kevin and the Bean today and although he happily guested, they can still both go suck a massive barbed phallus. They were talking some kind of shit about the radio industry and how the Clear Channel advertising propaganda machine is a far superior organization to be a part of than crummy old SiriusXM. Clear Channel, the same company that bought my favorite childhood radio station, along with several others I might almost tolerate, and turned them into more top 40 crap and forced my hand to buy a Sirius radio all of 7 years ago. Yep, Clear Channel, the guys who own pretty much every billboard in America and deny anyone from renting them based solely on the content if it offends any of their shareholders. That Clear Channel. Kudos, K&B, all you’re doing is making me right. Thank you. The guys discussed for a while how scary/utopian it would be to have a dog with monkey intelligence. It could make you a sandwich and actually add something to the conversation but it could also be licking its balls during the whole thing, cause you just can’t fight the urges of your species. While we all stew on that, lets crank some Barracuda and reminisce about the good old days when rearranging the genome for our own convenience and entertainment wasn’t even a discussion topic.

 

In case you haven’t heard, Jason is gonna be having a book signing/trampoline session with the fans over in Rancho Cucomonga this Saturday. If you’re nearby and want some sharpie scribbles on some stuff, get a dog up ya. And if I haven’t destroyed all your faith in the American Government yet, Obama is planning to build a shittier version of Iron Man, not starring Robert Downey Jr. It doesn’t fly, it doesn’t shoot missiles, it’s never gonna be on tabloid covers for drug related arrests, it’s basically a steel coffin mounted on a Rascal Scooter. Katie stopped by the studio to weigh in on this and other things, and after plowing this suit through a wall (or at least attempting to) maybe she can maim a gerbil with it or something so that she can have one of her friends taxidermy it for some coffee table art. This Iron Man knock off is about as legitimate as those Skechers that plump up your ass, basically another marketing ploy to keep people assuming they have problems that a corporate entity can solve for the low low price of nobody else is doing it so you’ll pay whatever the fuck we tell you. The guys took some phone calls about this ridiculous idea that the military is undertaking for absolutely no benefit to anyone or anything, and basically unless you’re a billionaire playboy, you should keep the mechanical suit ideas to your fucking self. And for no clear reason at all, the guys and gal took a long roundabout way to tell us all that boat people are fucking shady, which makes pretty reasonable sense, cause nobody has ever done any pirating on land or in the air. Zeppelin pirates would be fucking awesome though, basically the only people they could stop midair to be pirated would be advertising blimps and they would take those fuckers for everything they could, which would be maybe $50 in scrap metal and the slowest aerial dogfights in history. There was some chatting about Naomi Campbell for no clear reason, but the guys might bring back a revamped version of the Steven Seagal game with Ms Campbell as the subject, and that could be pretty funny. There were some more phone calls about things and stuff, and people really need to learn how to respond when spoken to, especially when they’re the ones making phone calls. So the real reason Katie stopped by today was to do her very own version of New Music Tuesday, but not necessarily brand new, just new to most of us. Since Katie is a Black Metal psychopath, most of her selections came from the deepest circles of hell and brought back with them a thousand years of suffering not to be halted by your pathetic Judeo-Christian false idols. First track we heard was Devil’s Night by a band called God Module (possibly featuring HateBean and Michael Tully, we can’t really be sure but it does sound like it) and it was a little more dance-ey than murder-ey, but definitely the kind of thing one might see in the next Underworld sequel, complete with the same vocal effect that pretty much every industrial band that has ever existed uses. After that was a song by HTRK (pronounced Hate Rock) and it was still electronic stuff, but more slow paced, like if you were gonna commit passionate murder against a junkie hooker after a long round of opiate fueled hate fucking. Next up was The Chameleons UK and if you like Bauhaus and the slow stuff from Joy Division or The Cure, you might like this one. It was kinda catchy, but not enough for me to think of anything particularly funny to say about it. As Katie put it, “It’s good music for driving through fog.” After that was a band called //Tense// and it was another great song for some almost-snuff-porn-that-may-or-may-not-include-lots-and-lots-of-heroin. Maybe it’s just me, but Katie seems to like a lot of music from the 80’s that seems like it would go well wit heroin, just an opinion from watching lots of weird dark movies I suppose. Next band was Salem playing a song that falls in the genre “witch-house” and as much as I hate most electronic music, I could totally see this being used on a pretty well made indie horror flick, possibly something produced by Rob Zombie. It fit perfectly as a backdrop to that fucked up porn clip from the sex, sports or animal game from last week. You remember, the lady with the massively blasted out asshole who was cumsharting all over the dude’s dick? Yeah, that one. After that we heard from a band called Primal Scream, which started out as an alternative band and then went more psychedelic thing later. There’s a couple of songs from them that I’ve enjoyed, this wasn’t one of them. Would make a good soundtrack to the opening scene in an Episode of CSI where a junkie hooker gets murdered though. Next was Nightmare Fortress with more ass pounding music that could be accented well with some heroin. HEROIN AND AGGRESSIVE BUTT FUCKING, I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THAT’S ALL ANY OF THIS CAN MAKE ME THINK OF PEOPLE!!! Next one down the line was O (not just O, but oOoOO) which was more witch-house and would fit perfectly in the credit reel of a movie that included lots of heroin and butt fucking. AGGRESSIVE butt fucking. The guys took some phone calls and everybody was complaining like they were getting fucked in the ass with no heroin to soften the blow, but then trying to make comparisons like how screamo music and the band HIM is darker than what Katie is playing, and as a person with very mixed tastes, if it makes me want to do some smack-powered-anal-rampaging, it’s dark fucking music. HIM sucks on a level that is leaps and bounds beyond normal sucking, and screamo is an insult to the punk rock I’ve come to hold so dear. It eventually came back around to the statement I made earlier that if you don’t like it, stay in your room and disinvolve yourself with the entire outside world, the rest of us will appreciate you for it. A couple people called in to reinforce the opinion that people need to broaden their fucking horizons, and pretty much all of them said they could enjoy this stuff if they were fucking while it was playing (Butt fucking. Heroin. You knew I was gonna say it, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only person thinking it). Next was a band called the Murder City Devils, which was completely different from everything else that’s been played so far, more along the lines of psychobilly but a little closer to just some good fun rock music. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I could see myself having vaginal sex without the assistance of heroin with this playing in the background. Finally we heard Light Asylum as and after a long slow new wave build there was a black lady who sang like a shitload of white male 80’s pop stars, but it kind of worked for this particular song, so I’ll give it a pass. Katie desperately needed to piss, so the guys cut off the segment right there and that’s fine with me and a lot of other people, I’m sure.

 

In case you hadn’t hear, Blake Shelton from Workaholics just turned 30, and in the same day his wife popped out a brand new baby! Good on ya, Blake, keep it classy with the naked selfies next to your wife and kid, nobody’s ever gonna blackmail anybody with that! Some guy in Florida (America’s herpes outbreak, as I’m wont to call it) got fired from his job at a high school for being too old and after he won the lawsuit against the school his cunt of a daughter went and fucked it all up by tweeting that “mommy and daddy are gonna be paying for a vacation in Europe” and because he had to sign a confidentiality clause, that was pretty much null and void after his fucktarded spawn spilled the beans and he had to give the money back. Too bad, I’d have been happy to hear about her losing her passport and having to resort to some heroin fueled butt fucking at an Amsterdam brothel just to get her papers in order to come back stateside. But fuck all of that, cause Joanna Angel is in the studio today to hang with the guys and play a game with Cumtard. This game marks the triumphant return of The Smartest Box In The World, which if you don’t remember, is Kevin Kraft’s balls stuffed through a hole in the top of a shoebox lid that has a lady drawn around the balls, with the balls being placed right where the lady’s titties would be. This game requires that Joanna place things on Kevin’s balls and he has to guess what they are based on shape, weight, general level of shame from having his balls hanging out in a room full of people, and so on. Before all that though, the guys had to rap for a while about how people are a bunch of bitches and always gotta stir the pot and try to start some shit with everybody, I blame reality TV and Facebook for turning everybody into a whiny fucking 14 girl on her period. Once more, stay inside, tin foil on your windows, pull the covers over your head and keep your bullshit to yourself. Joanna was really surprised that Jetta showed up to work in a dress and a wig today, but considering her line of work, it’s probably not the most disturbing thing to see in an average day. After Cumtard’s balls got done prarie dogging in and out of the Smartest Box In The World, the game got underway. If there was any way I could relay the sheer awesomeness of the many items and sounds and hilarity that ensued, I would do so, but unfortunately there are not words that can accurately recreate this scene, but god damn I was laughing like a fucking moron during this whole escapade. If you go check the on demand while you still can, it starts right about the 2 hour 35 minute mark, I highly recommend it. But I can tell you this much, Tully drew nipples on the balls, Jetta was standing by for cleanup duties and fully committed to the job, Joanna titty fucked Kevin’s nut sack, Kevin made hilarious noises like someone was gonna chop his dick off, There were spiders crawling on Cumtard’s balls and he lost his god damn mind as soon as they made contact except that it wasn’t spiders it was actually some crazy biting worms, everybody lost their shit when Kevin had to leave the studio to clean up and yanked the Smartest Box In The World off his balls then had to walk to the bathroom past the law offices on the same floor as the studio, Jetta kept cleaning the balls (cocktail dress and wig and all), Kevin kept screaming like a small child being thrown over a cliff, Joanna put Ben-Gay on the balls and shit was not the slightest bit alright with that, then Joanna smacked him in the balls with a dildo and that just brought back the pain from the Ben-Gay, Katie put cockroaches on Kevin’s balls and Jetta fondled the hell out of them afterwards, Joanna slingshotted the balls with a rubber band several times, and we all learned that pop rocks can be activated when sprinkled on a man’s balls. It was this point in the show when the guys turned to the phones to finish everything out and recover form the hilarity that is Kevin Kraft recovering from a squirt of Ben-Gay to the nuts. Joanna noticed that Jetta’s dress still had the tag on it from Dress barn, and Jetta reported to everyone that he fully intends to return the dress cause all the odd looks he got on the walk in to the studio are too much for him, not like he had Ben-Gay and worms dumped all over his balls or anything, he just had to towel off some testicles in drag. There were some calls and stuff and they were all a lot of the same stuff, but not in the shitty way just the folks saying thanks and fist-bumping through the phone lines. Some folks asked for advice or shared stories about banging strippers or just give comments on how fun the show was today. Some guy called in with some Dogg The Bounty Hunter news, apparently he was at a wedding and started talking some mad shit to his wife out in the parking lot and she smashed a bottle on him and got arrested. Stay classy, America, remember when that guy was an icon? Before his kid revealed to the world that Dogg didn’t want him marrying a black girl cause they all couldn’t chill out with the N-word? Yeah, that guy. Nice job America. Don’t ever stop reminding yourself that you let that happen. Shout out. Heroin and butt fucking. While we’re at it, GET IT RIGHT WITH THE WHOLE DON’T DIE THING! IT’S NOT LIKE ELLIS HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS OR ANYTHING!!!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/3/2014

we-dont-always-know-how-it-ends

So, you wanna know who lost the bet?

Here we go again, the moment you’ve all been waiting for – the Magical Mystery Miracle Monday Re-cap! It’s magical because I sprinkled fairy dust on it. It’s a mystery because I have no idea what I’m going to be writing. It’s a miracle because I don’t even know what I’m doing. Contrary to some beliefs, “midget” is not the preferred word you should be working into your vocabulary, it’s “little person” and Dingo agrees so that makes it true. Although you might not want to blindly put your faith in Dingo’s knowledge because he also thinks you could bust out “hashtag midgie” and be in the clear. Dingo texted Ellis while watching moto, he didn’t text Tully though – which is weird because Tully’s big time into moto. Also, he’s a sharp dressed man as of late, with his shirt, shoes, and hair. Anyway, Ken Roczen and Ryan Villopoto crashed at the start of a race and Dingo is way too excited about it. He’s also super excited about Ivan Tedesco being eaten by another rider’s bike. Ellis’ Russian neighbors are getting all “Shit Storm Is Coming” on him & Katie. They parked their shitbox across the driveway, essentially blocking it. Katie tells them they can’t park there and that starts the back-and-forth relations between the US and Russia. Ellis pulls up and notices the landlord (who’s an older gentleman) talking to the Ruskies and then see’s Vlad The Commie Bastard giving the old man the finger. So Ellis was all like “HEY!” and the Red was all like “пошел на хуй!” and then everyone got confused and we started talking about The CCCP people turning other peoples’ car stereos on? You can see how one could get confused with all this, thus creating further tensions in relations between the US and Russia. So… Oscars. Yeah. But no. You know the rules, I don’t write about that shit. I will tell you this though, there was a bet and the loser will have to cross-dress and take 5 selfies with strangers. So who’s the lucky guy that gets to be the fairest of them all? Break time!

huh-what

You’re reneging on the bet?

Saturday, book signing, at a book store, not going to Trampoline World, going to another place, but you won’t know where unless you go to the book signing. More Oscars bullshit. Tully had a hot black chick with a shaved head smile really big at him at a bus stop. He turned away, looked back again – she’s still got a huge smile for him. He turns, looks back again, still all teeth. He turns again, she’s still smiling. Hot chick at a bus stop smiling maniacally. rules state that she’s bat shit crazy and you should walk away. Oh. Yeah. So you wanted to know who has to wear that dress, right? It’s Jetta. And Jetta is drawing the line at buying his own dress, mainly because he has such a hard time finding a dress that’s fun and exciting, but not too slutty. This led to a road we’ve all heard nearly every person on the show go down. The old, “I’m broke & don’t have enough time to go do this stuff” boulevard of broken dreams, because you know. They’re super busy in life, totally unlike the rest of the world. Turns out, he must have the world’s cutest puppy eyes because he’s been absolved from the bet and no longer has to go through with it. Hey, remember how they talked about using Skype on the show on Friday? Well today, they tried it out and it actually worked out pretty well, I assume because Sirius XM had no involvement in making it happen. HEYOH! Anyway, the Skype thing could really open some new possibilities for the show and fans alike. Break time!

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Having fun in those strip clubs that don’t allow nudity?

Dingo has restless leg syndrome, or maybe he’s just hopped up on those energy drinks. Ellis is going to be Dr. Drew again tonight and he’s going on the Kevin & Bean show at some point during the week. It sounds like strip clubs in California suck ass, how is it a strip club if there are no bare titties? It’s weird, Florida strip clubs look like shit too, at least compared to St. Louis, where there are no tops, no bottoms, and the chick is going to be full on nude by the 3rd song. This brings up some ass talk, Tully’s not into big asses, Ellis is, but that’s no real surprise – black chicks are one of his weaknesses. More Skype calls, some chick was ready to get all blow jobby on the call, but that had to get shut down before word got back to NYC, which has Will’s nuts in jar. Will also tricked some poor unsuspecting female into Skyping with him. Poor girl will probably never be heard from again. Dingo says he’s never done any weird jerkoff sessions, which of course makes him a god damned liar and a likely candidate for super weird jerkoff sessions. This prompted some calls about dudes jerking off while in the driver’s seat, jerking off in a principal’s office, jerking off in a submarine, and other similar jerking off stories. We also got a clit story in there as well, because it’s unfair to others if the show is too dick-centric. Tully asked well known history buffs, Ellis and Dingo, a few questions about what happened on this day in history – such as when we bombed the “Hochi Man Trail” as a “fuck you, we’re outta here” to Vietnam. Or Helen Keller, the girl whose father famously invented the bra while she was busy murdering Polish people in Amsterdam. Or The National Anthem, which contrary to what they teach in schools, was written before Jimi Hendrix. This led us into final calls, which was pretty short actually. And that, my friends, ends this recap. And maybe your life. OH!

Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013

Feed your obsession…

People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.

Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).

Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.

Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.

The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.

Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.

It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!

Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.

Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.

After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.

Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.

Things we learned on the show today:

Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great

Tully is attractive to black women

Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them

There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet

Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen

Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge

You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music

Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors

Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things

Different Cultures prefer different sized phones

Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep

Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper

Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered

Ellis has no savings in the bank

Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball

Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport

Ellis needs a podcast

New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact

Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests

Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to

Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel

Tully has to go see Santa

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/8/2013

youve-reached-team-bring-itWooo-weee! It’s Monday and I’m tired’er than a motherfucker at a mom fucker’s convention. That makes sense somehow, but probably isn’t all that funny. I don’t give a motherfuck, like a mother whose not getting fucked at a convention. Oh, I should also mention for those of you reading a bedtime story to your children, you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this to them. I could potentially use some language that you do not find appropriate for them. Okay, did you lock those little shits in their cages? Good, lets proceed. Dingo Monday’s started off with him shouting out Team Bring It and opening 2 motherfucking waters. He said he didn’t open 2 motherfucking waters, but you can’t trust a motherfucking Dingo who knows so much about WWE. Wait just a motherfucking second. Let’s rewind for a second and listen to The Rock singing the Team Bring It Anthem. What. The. Mother. Fuck? Sounds like Dingo might have found his true calling, and it’s not snowboarding or partying. It’s delivering WWE news. Ellis went to Nuclear Cowboyz (the “z” makes it X-TREME!) on ice, not meth, but like meth. Not really, he just went to the show and they had some hot bitches dancing there. Unlike Dingo and Tully, Rawdog is incapable of rape. If there’s a rape-off between Tully and Dingo, it’s probably going to be close and one hell of a sexy ass rape-mania. This spawned many rapemania related calls & ideas, including Downzig and Mini-Nirvana, which led us into a break with “Rape Me” playing, by normal-sized Nirvana.

dr_drew_memeJust in time for moon news, Dr. Drew came on the show and dropped the “F” bomb pretty much immediately. I always find it weird to hear him swear. But anyway, back to the moon for a second. NASA wants to tow an asteroid into orbit around the motherfucking moon. Sounds good, I mean, what could go wrong? Sure, Michael Clarke Duncan is dead, by I think the rest of the Armageddon crew is still alive, right? Ok, back to Double-D PhD. He kept sprinkling in little swear words here and there in what seemed like a cringe worthy effort to sound hip and edgy for the audience. He got to hear about Rawdog’s roommate clogging his toilet with his giant turd and not fixing it. Double-D PhD immediately called Rawdog out on his confrontational issues, but played the part very well by also complimenting Rawdog on how he’s looking lately. We learned that Rawdog’s roommate also painted one of his walls with chalkboard paint and let his friends write all over it. Rawdog actually said something this time and told Captain Chair Leg Feces that he had to re-paint that shit, immediately! Since I’m already tired as a motherfucker (as I eluded to earlier) and Dr. Drew’s voice is like a motherfucking Valium  I pretty much just spaced out and don’t remember the rest of his time on the show. Basically, he asked a bunch of depressing questions, talked about molestation, answered a few questions, talked about Stevie, and some other stuff. It was interesting to hear his take on the myriad of subjects, but I just wasn’t in the mood to pay attention today, sorry motherfuckers. #LOLWinkyButthole

aging_processStill the same deal on EllisMania. So far, it’s a no go, at least until Ellis gets his ducks in a row. Could he have his stuff all situated by September? Maybe. But will the space still be open and available by then? Who knows. Too many variables to make a guess on so I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned. MMA news time, Ross Pearson fucked up his foot before fighting Ryan Couture but still ended up winning by TKO. Matt Mitrione knocked out Todd Duffee, so he’s not cut from the UFC… yet.  Gegard Mousasi won a unanimous decision against Ilir Latifi (who?) and also revealed he’ll be needing knee surgery. Turns out Dana White is kinda pissed at the commission in Sweden because Mousasi was supposed to fight so-and-so but they wouldn’t let him fight because he had a cut before the fight. There was more obviously, but what the motherfuck, I ain’t Fuel TV or some shit, go check that shit out if you’re so inclined. Hey, you know all those bikes Ellis bought for his family so they could all ride together? Yea, none of them wanted to ride except him. So he had to struggle with all of them to get them to stop the panic attack thing until they finally started to ride and have fun. Hey more motherfucking moto stuff was said, but I missed most of it because the cooling system at work decided to blow heat instead so my servers were screaming because of the 90 degree heat they were in. I don’t think it was anything important, just who went super duper fast that weekend and it was one of the same names you’d always hear. Some dumb motherfuckers bought ferrets that were given steroids and perms at birth to look like dumb motherfucking poodles. Who gives a rat’s ass, an emu’s dicks, or your dad’s balls? Also, Dingo is obsessed with animals inside peoples’ rectums. And lube. He’s obsessed with lube. Then there was some Hollywood news, missed that shit too and I’m okay with that. The big news of today was how a little old Jewish lady walks into her Rabbi’s office and said, “Rabbi Rabbi I just won 300 million dollars!” The Rabbi said: “Wow, congratulations. What are you going to do with the money?” She said, “100 million will go to the synagogue, they have always been there for me.” “Very good, we could use a generous donation like that. The rest?”, said the Rabbi. “I’m going to spend 100 million on my family traveling the world, and living it up.”, she said. Again, the Rabbi asks, “Very good, you have lived a hard life. Enjoy the rest of the time with your family. And the rest?” The lady said, “I’m going to build 20ft tall gold statue of Hitler.” Shocked, the Rabbi asks, “Why would you do such a thing???? He was a monster! He killed so many of our people! Why would you make tribute to him?” The lady holds out her forearm and says, “Well, he gave me the winning numbers!” OH!