Tag Archives: Cumtard

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 2/29/2012

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CreepyToday is Cumtard’s last day and since Jason was going to be late, he let Cumtard open up the show. Tully and Rawdog gave him the silent treatment and just let him tread on his own, in the end he actually didn’t too terrible. He ended his segment by explaining his position, what he did and why he can’t stay anymore. All that has been explained on here before so I won’t go into that. They played all the buttons dealing with Cumtard since it is his last day and once he’s gone, so will be all his buttons.

Cumfat Off The PhonesThat chick that Ellis made cry yesterday? Yea, she was supposed to go on Rude Jude’s show yesterday after Ellis’ show, but she bailed. In the end it worked out great for Jude because now he’s getting a shot at hooking up with Jenna (the other girl from yesterday.) Let’s see, what else… There was a lot of talk about Chik-Fil-A / gay marriage / religion, that’s one of those infuriating topics with everyone having a different opinion and trying to convince you that their opinion is better than yours. Fuck that shit. If we even touch on this subject, this re-cap is turning into a fucking fiasco of a novel. So, I choose to move on.

Scrotum McBoner FartWorld’s Greatest Wednesday for today, in honor of Cumtard’s last day on the show is, World’s greatest thing Cumtard should do now that he doesn’t have a job. Apparently there was a dude on Facebook that wanted to pay him $5000 to spend the weekend with him so he can fuck and cuddle with him, the whole boyfriend experience. Ellis set off negotiating for Cumtard and the conclusion was to clean the guy’s apartment naked wearing only a hat, Cumtard jerks off, and then leaves, for $800 a week. Without further ado, here’s the list of ideas from fans in order of their placement:

  1. Sip It Slowly, CumtardFreeway clown
  2. Shark dentist
  3. Dildo tester
  4. Play keytar for Smoked Out Clit
  5. Loaded gun cleaner
  6. Manage a prison snack bar
  7. Call everyone who calls the show regularly to tell them to fuck off
  8. Pube artist
  9. Jerk off on peoples’ ex-girlfriend’s car
  10. Become a roadie for Black Dahlia Murder

Cumtard was clearly and admittedly sad to be leaving the show, but he does plan to come back every now and again just as a friend of the show. Hopefully Sirius will eventually find a full-time position in some capacity for him.

And viola! That’s the end of the re-cap. See? That wasn’t so hard, was it? I knew you’d pull through, you’re my little trooper! And now you’ll be swimming up to impregnate your mother! OH!

Cumtard’s 1st appearance (and Schumacher gets hired) – 3/14/11 (History)

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Today was Kevin’s last day on the show and he’ll be missed. Let’s go back and listen to his 1st appearance on the show. Coincidentally, it also happened to be the day Schumacher got picked to be J.Ellis’s new personal assistant. Enjoy!


Download (link to MP3)

Bonus: For history’s sake, Kevin’s 1st day was March 9th, 2011

Download (link to MP3)

Show Re-cap For Monday 2/27/2012

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Silence of the RawdogIt’s fucking Monday and holy shit, everyone sure loves watching and talking about the god damned Oscars. Well fuck that shit, not here. Not in this dojo, motherfucker! More importantly, Rawdog lost his bet with Ellis and so now he must Silence of the Lambs himself (tuck wiener and balls in his ass) while holding an umbrella. Low-and-behold, Rumble McTumble did not disappoint, here is Ellis’ angle and here is Dingo’s shot. What a fucking legend that dude is.

There was some talk about grass today. No, not marijuana – but actual grass, like the kind that make lawns and golf courses. Specifically, is Kentucky bluegrass really blue or have a blue tinge to it? Survey says, who gives a rats ass. There was a speed dating contest today where Dan, Cumtard, and Rawdog have to pretend to be on a speed date with Ellis’ girlfriend (@UnderwearWolf). I’m just gonna come right out and say it, Dan didn’t seem to do too well, or at least not as good as one might think he would do. Next up was Cumtard, Katie seemed to slice and dice him up immediately, she was not into him in the least, asking if he lacked confidence and he sure as shit is. And lastly was Rawdog, he clearly did the best and he pretty much verbally banged her and then dumped her.

More new dates for EllisMania 8 have been proposed, June 2nd, June 16th, or June 23rd depending on which is better and it sounds like it might be June 23rd, unless of course that changes. Plus it’s Danzig’s birthday so that’s pretty gangster.

So there you have it, that’s all for today’s show. Next up, the show your mother performs in, “Fuck My Face In The Rest Area Bathroom” and a Q and A on how she manages to swallow so many loads. OH!

(Update 2/28/2012): I’m not sure how I forgot to use this chance to post this, but I did. Anyway, you should check out the video below, it’s from Greens Keepers and was inspired by The Silence of the Lambs.

Show Re-cap For Friday 2/24/2012

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Welcome To The Prize ChamberIt’s Friday and you know what that means: Sheep are fucking dumb and Rawdog’s car is a pile of shit. There was talk about making a new Rawdog t-shirt, and you know that’s a fucking killer idea so hopefully that actually happens. I even came up with concept t-shirt that I’d totally wear. See it over there on the right? No dude, click on it. It’s right there. ==> Other ideas came in, such as “Free Rawdog” (like Free Willy), “Where’s My Trust Fund”, “Welcome To The Jigga-Budda-Boo Show”, “Feed Rawdog” (like Paris Hilton holding her dog but with Ellis’ face on Paris and Rawdog’s face on the dog), and of course “Godwar”. There were more but I’m already tired of typing t-shirt slogans, so let’s just keep pushing forward.

Ashanti. I just wanted to say that I typed her name once in my lifetime. Plus it sounds funny, almost like a cute swear word or something. Anyway, enough about her. Also, The Oscars. And also, enough about them too. Fuckin’ Oscars are fuckin’ stupid. Hey, here’s a totally disturbing picture of a hairless bear. Fuck that thing too, after all it is Who Gives a Fuck Friday. Flibbertigibbet. Just wanted to type that too, sorry. Moving on…

From Tully’s Bullshit news segment, an 8 year-old got a sex change, some dude got arrested for having kids spit, piss, and shit on him, and some unlucky chick in Texas got shot, from a gun fired in Mexico! The first two stories are fucked up, the bitch that caught some lead – that’s fucking awesome (as long as it doesn’t happen to me.) A 20 ton boulder fell on some dudes car and he lived. He’s a couple inches shorter, but he lived. Okay, that last part I totally made up, he’s not shorter – or is he?

More Cumtard torture today, he had to make some “shocking” confessions – so you should totally read into that. Shocking is the key word there in case you’re a total moron. And if you are a total moron, then read this next sentence: Fuck! He’s getting shocked you fool, I don’t know how you even exist. Okay, back to shocking confessions:

  • When he was a little kid, he did some gay shit a couple times. His mom put him in daycare, he was 4 or 5 and he bit some kids nuts. We’re talking pants down and teeth to bald nuts. Disturbing.
  • He said when his whole family would be over at the house, he used to hide behind the curtains and punch his boner. Creepy.
  • At summer camp when he was around 6 or 7 he and another kid got out of their sleeping bags and touched each others wieners. Shocking.

It’s Friday, I’m bringing this thing to an end, and I’m calling your mother to come over so I can take a dump on her chest. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 2/22/2012

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It’s Chad Reed Day (#ChadReedDay) and that’s all you fuckin’ need to know. You can check out some very real and accurate #ChadReedFacts submitted by everyone, including Chuck Norris. People also sent in their poems and haikus of Chad Reed, which were totally endearing, like OMG!

Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) came on the show today, she’s a comedian / actor, and also female (you may have already figured that out.) Considering how the last interview with a female comic went, I think people were anxious to see how this interview went. And it went really good. What? What else do you want me to say? It’s not like I’m going to do a word for word, play by play of her interview. She was actually on the Rawdog channel (not Josh, the comedy channel on Sirius XM) with Ellis awhile ago. They were guests and people would call in and try to make them laugh for a chance at winning $1000 or something. Which if you thought the finger banging story she told sounded familiar, that’s why, apparently it’s a “bit” she does.

Let’s not forget, today is also World’s Greatest Wednesday, which is inconsequential compared to Chad Reed Day, but that’s why today was world’s greatest Chad. So let’s just go right into the list and their placement:

  1. Chad Reed DayChad Reed & Chad Weed (the drug dealer from Toronto)
  2. Chad Muska
  3. Chad Kagy
  4. Chad Ginsburg
  5. Chad Ochocinco

Since it’s such a special day and there was only a top 5 for world’s greatest Chad, here’s another list for world’s greatest Reed:
(shout out to @mike_in_canada for jotting down the list for me while I violated your mother)

  1. Chad Reed
  2. Artie Reed
  3. Tara Reid
  4. Chopper Read
  5. Ellis’ ability to read

And that’s it for World’s Greatest Wednesday. Enjoy it, bask in it, take it out for dinner and penetrate it. It was also new music day today, Rawdog got his ass chewed and spit out for playing shitty music again. Cumtard ate more of his pubes while getting electrocuted, it sounded pretty disgusting as he was gaging on his pubes. You know, a little more punishment before he leaves the show is never a bad thing. Plus he has to get rid of his bag of pubes before he leaves the show. It was mentioned that maybe since it is Chad Reed Day, maybe he should be eating Chad Reed pubes as it might give him superpowers.

And, grand finale time… are you ready for it? Are you really ready? Really, really ready? The Chad Reed was on the phone for the end of the show. That’s right, the fuckin’ ledge, Chad Reed. He was in good spirits, talked about how he’s coming back next year to rule shit and also said something about how he just absolutely destroyed your mom’s box. OH!