Tag Archives: Cumtard

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 12/5/2012

Posted on by
Reply

Aw Shit – The Remix!

Dude, its totally Wednesday, and I totally party….do you like to party? Ellis can party his ass off, since he ain’t having heart attacks while pumping iron at the wing’s gym like he thought he was yesterday.  Good shit to know, that and he wears leggings.  Sounds like Ellismate’s knee is working again, just in time to get shredded and fuck some models.  Speaking of fat bitches, is there such a thing as a 400 lb. lady with a skinny child?  Who cares, what’s really important is if you are cool being seen with said fat bitch, if the sex is good of course.  Tully is/was, and of course his boys hated on him, but how’d they’re book rank on the New York Times Best Seller List?  Apparently the Metal Militia tent at the X games is the spot to snag you a keeper just FYI!  Meanwhile, Rawdog has dumb taste buds, hates spinach, and is Down With The Sickness.  In fact, did you know Disturbed wrote that tune about the illustrious Illusionist?  Straight into UFC on FOX this weekend, and Ellis’s ass is taking on your mom so check it out.  Conveniently, Manny Pacquiao is fighting this weekend too with some free preliminary fights on some shit channel, but not against Floyd Mayweather as he is still ducking!  Both of those cock suckers top the Forbes list of highest paid athletes.  Then Rawdog told us a tale, of him opening his front door to numerous chics, one of which was that hot chic he thought he had a date lined up with, and taking shots with these chics in his kitchen.  The story lead to the club, doesn’t it always, with Rawdog’s roommate joining him and the 4 ladies on a 45 minute walk, only to stand in a two block long line.  The story ends with the hot chic that Rawdog is fond of, walking off with his roommate, and Josh being left uncomfortably with the 3 remaining chics.  He left and went home, the end!

 

      Happy Holidays from the assholes at NoYouAre!

 

In Hollywood News, you only have 8 days left to bid on a day with The Jason Ellis Show and a trip to the strip club of your choice.  If your not a dick, Ellis n Tully may even splooge splurge on a lap dance for ya!  John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John released their sex tape……how else was I gonna get you to click that fucking link, its just a shitty Xmas video she forced him to do at gun point.  One of those little punks from Home Improvement got a DUI.  The Olsen twins are at it again, with a new $55K backpack thats got PETA and local drug dealers pissed.  Meanwhile, in other Hollywood News, in Portugal, Anderson Cooper’s eyes are as pussy as he is.  Oh and if your in Kentucky, vote for Ashley Judd to be your Senator.  Onto one of today’s guest, Mia Isabella 2011 XBIZ/URBANX TS Performer of The Year, in the studio to help the kids.  Honestly, she sucks on the radio like most of us would, but she had a good cause and it led to a pretty funny game.  First, she’s repping little kids who need shoes, at some event tonight at Mickys, but I didn’t get much more than that.  Of course Ellis has more swing than she does, and got Globe to hook it up with a few pairs to help the kiddies.  And onto the game, with Cumtard of course, that involved him drinking champagne out of each person’s shoe, either off their foot or brought from home.  5 shoes total, one each from Ellis, Tully, Rawdog, Mia and Jizz Cult all filled with some shitty $3 bottle of New Year’s finest.  Cumtard was able to guess two shoes correctly, those of Mia and Ellismate.  Of course he wasn’t able to nail the “Grainy” tasting shoe of Jizz Cult, or “Fucking gross” shoe of Rawdog, and certainly not the Athlete’s Foot infested shoe of one Tully McTullyvich. Of course everyone is a winner, Mia’s cause got some shoes donated, Ellis got radio gold, Tully got the cock of his foot, Rawdog didn’t really win shit and Cumtard won the rest of the bottle of bubbly.  Here’s to $425 gold pills that make your shit glitter, and to Kenny, whoever the fuck that is.

 

 

           Ya Heard Me

So we found out that Rolling Stone magazine is comprised of a bunch of white dudes who think Sir Mix-A-Lot still has legitimate street cred. They posted a sneak peek of 5 of their Top 50 hip-hop songs of all time.  I personally am a huge fan of rap and this list ain’t awful, but is clearly based on historical importance as opposed to overall song quality, but what the fuck do I know…..that this bitch here is nasty – been fucking her dog for 13 years now.  As if fucking little kids isn’t enough, Penn State is at it again, only fucking Mexicans over now with racism.  Rawdog was at it again, saying he hates China cause they got small areolas, and he’s got a point.  Meanwhile, this dude got forced to do home repairs at gunpoint in San Jose, the New Jersey of San Francisco.  The New York Post is catching shit for posting a photo of a dude about to get creamed by a subway train on the cover.  Breaking news:  Today, December 5th, 2012 on the Jason Ellis Show, Rawdog was correct!  Mark it down, it don’t happen that often folks.

 

 

 

Come on, who’s gonna notice…

Bert McCracken was today’s other guest, dropping in fashionably late.  This dude is just about the definition of a rock star, and a listener to the Ellis show, or a huge smoke blower.  He’s fresh out of rehab and sober now, and also not allowed in Canada for the next 10 years, Red Dragons!  The Used will be playing in the 2013 Take Action Tour so get it up ya.  For today though, its ‘Get The Cock Of Your Chest’ with Blasko Bert McCracken.  If your a fan, go check the intro to this shit, Smokin’ Load Frazier for days crack.  Bert was kind enough to start us off, with a tale of a chic giving him a BJ, then demanding he pay her $80 after completion.  Sounds like a Sunday afternoon for Ellis, but 6 of one, half dozen of the other.  Bert did Dr. Drew some dude who jerks it in front of unknowing strangers on the internet.  Some literal sex offender called in about old ladies, fuck that guy.  Another dude was dropping loads into a MILF’s shampoo bottle.  A teacher pooped in some kids book bag, ya know the usual shit.  We did have a chef war between Bert and Tully, neither backing down to defeat.  Some other dude called in saying he used to eat a ton of oatmeal, and spray it all out his ass into big cup, and then piss and cum in said cup, and your mom would drink it, shit that out and drink that…..wait shit I never got through to the show, OH!

2012: This Year In Cumtard Images

Posted on by
Reply

Here is a collection of images I’ve created throughout 2012 where Cumtard (aka @KevinKraftSucks) was the focal point. Enjoy.

You can also read: Cumtard The Cumtardian, From Sector Tard-Tard, In The Tardian System for more information.

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/28/2012

Posted on by
Reply

What else do we do on a Wednesday, but pass the doobie to the left, your mom to the right, and listen the The Jason Ellis Show.  And we do this with a passion!  Similar to the passion that Jason reminds us we must have in order to achieve greatness.  If you wanna be the best at something, pound for pound, you have to get so good that it becomes boring, and then get better than that.  Yes that pound for pound line means @TheDingoInSnow joined the show today to riff, starting with last night’s bad ass Machine Head and Deathclock show.  Were you there?  Ellis almost wasn’t, but you know he knows a guy who knows a guy, and in the backdoor Ellismate went, laminated pass and all.  He made it backstage and chilled out on some couch, only to see Robb Flynn near by.  Ellis got to hang with the band, and Rob was a good host, hooking Ellismate up with something that remains unkown.  Apparently the bassist Adam is a big fan of Ellismania, as he gave a ‘Fuck Yeah’ after confirming Ellis did in fact set up a fight with Dave Mirra, and Adam also offered to be in an upcoming event!  Of course it can’t all go perfectly, as the drummer is apparently sponsored by Yamaha, and he will have to live with that every day of his life.  While the band was performing, Ellis made his way into the Mosh Pit for the last song in the set, Halo (Which Ellismate got a shoutout from the band, and totally missed it – Rawdog caught it though).  All in all a bad ass night, and shoutout to EllisFam Butterballs and FonzoBlunt who were mentioned at the show as well.  Oh and as for the bitches, Rawdog reports there are quite a few but mostly there with dudes.  Ellis said he saw more than enough hotties that were single, and Tully reminds us that all women are single, some just more than others!  Ellismate has also been finding it hard to rap, for his upcoming rap debut for Death! Death! Die!  He also finds it hard to believe that Phil Anselmo is racist as some have alleged.  It sounds like he isn’t racist, just Pro White.  Did you know that only 45 murders occurred in Canada in 2011, per Rawdog per Twitter, so you know its true.  We then listened to some bullshit lists on which country has the most murder.  On all these lists, the US was way down, which could be true but seemed hard to believe.  Of course none of that was as hard to believe as when Dingo found out that a turtle shits its dick out, a snake has two dicks, and a chameleon has two dicks that change color, but you already knew that didn’t ya smart guy!

 

White Power……is for pussies.

 

Is Yoko Ono trying to fuck over the world, or just the gay scene on West Hollywood?  Whatever she’s doing, she sparked a heated debate between Dingo/Rawdog and Ellis/Tully about who would wear her crazy shit.  Dingo tried to imply the gay scene would, which offended Tully to no end, almost to the brink of leaving the show, until he saw this video from Yoko Ono back in 1967 that just made it all better.  So what does it mean when you have a dream about your teeth falling out or crumbling? How the fuck should I know……..that Harry Connick Jr. isn’t a racist, but Australia is and is not afraid to show it!  Just like the ol’ nursery rhyme goes “Catch a nigga/tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go”, and you can see the difference between the Australian/American versions, hmmm.  Onto where its not racist, Hollywood and our favorite segment, Hollywood News.  Steven Tyler and Nicki Minaj are having a twitter battle over Bob Dylan and racism.  Red Dragons to all of the Ellis Show and Dingo too for not having a clue as to who was on the panel of American Idol, even Rawdog didn’t know!

Nah Mate, You Are!

Moving right along, Adam Levine says The Roxy can just fuck off as far as he’s concerned. In other Hollywood News, comedian Katt Williams led police on a chase while getting 3 wheel motion the whole time.  The fat chic from Precious (Mo’Nique) lost almost 200 pounds, and looks more and more like 50 Cent each day.  And last but certainly not least, if you have an extra $600K laying around, and your in the Hollywood Hills area, check this plot of land out being sold by Jack Nicholson, get it up ya!

 

Joanna Angel stopped by the show, and I think we all know why.  Before we get to that, and some other fun shit, Ellis had to call her out for being on some other douches podcast.  Some Neil Strauss homo who has a maid and whore d’oeuvres, what a poser.  In fairness to Joanna, her and Ellismate weren’t clear on their radio monogamy.  That also reminded Joanna of her advice to Rawdog the last time she was in the studio, you know the “Don’t you cum yet” advice, only to find out if either ruined Josh’s relationship (since it ended), or she just wasted her wisdom.  Turns out it wasn’t either, Josh did his own doing with regards to it ending and Ellismate took the advice home with him, and it worked like a champ!  Now onto the real business at hand, The Reckoning.  Joanna will be dancing that night prior to the big event.  She’s planning to wear a sexy devilish outfit, to go with Rawdog’s brides maid attire.  Oh and Dingo volunteered to cup Rawdog’s balls, what a guy.  Joanna also took the time to offer advice to Rawdog, since she too has a small throat and Blaht a gag reflex.  She told him to drink some tea the night before, and that he could get some numbing spray (though unessecary), and most important he needs to enjoy it.  Josh was also reminded that vomit is just nature’s lube.  If you can make it on December 15th to Cheetah’s for ‘The Reckoning’, what the fuck are you still doing here reading this shit?  So naturally with Joanna in the studio, and this event taking place at a strip club, it only could lead to one idea…..Lap Dance Off.  After about 15 minutes of on air setup, and stories of Tully stiffing strippers on lap dances, we got to business.  5 contestants for this consisting of Ellis, Rawdog, Tully, Dingo and Cumtard (Jizz Cult was to be included, but we just fucking forgot ok).  Each took one turn giving a blindfolded Joanna the lap dance of her nightmares.  Dingo went first, and followed the ‘No Touch’ club rules for his dance, which just didn’t score well for him or her.  Second was Rawdog, and from the sounds of it he did a damn good job, simulating a BJ and all that shit.  Tully was up third, and just went bonkers with some crazy high energy raviging of Joanna.  The Wing took the 4th try, and basically just choked her out n shit.  Cumtard was 5th and final, and went bare ass for his dance, rubbing said ass all over poor Joanna.  All in all it was a good effort, but Joanna wouldn’t be frequenting this club much after today.  She did omit that Ellismate and his barbarian tactics were the best of the group!

 

Thats two songs, 25 each, so 50 bucks fuck wad!

 

Having trouble selling your car on ebay?  How about whoring your daughter for a few pictures to help seal the deal like this dude did.  Do you know how much it costs to book Creed for an appearence?  $150K damn it.  Despite Dingo calling extreme bullshit on this, it may be true says Cumtard and this article from yourmom.com.  Then we were told Kevin Federline gets $300K for an appearence, and this just pissed DIngo off to no end, throwing Monster Energy cans across the room and shit.  Ellis said there have been talks he may have some appearences coming up soon.  Of course he’ll be looking at more like Tony Yayo money, $7k per appearence.  They then talked about celebrity rider’s too, mentioning Mariah Carey requiring a person on hand to take her chewed gum, and that DMX must have 3 boxes of rubbers and a bottle of Hennessy, Red Dragons!  Speaking of Red Dragons, Joanna was informed the video of her screaming that phrase is the #1 video on Ellismania.com, prompting Tully to offer a suggestion for the sequel = Rawdog.  Serisouly, Josh to be in the movie, but with a body double for the sex scenes.  He can make his Bruce Willis face n dirty robot talk, and then splice in some other dude banging Joanna, and Bob’s your uncle.  The body double of course would be hung like a Clydesdale, but thats a different story.  Then we were witness to a contest between Dingo and Ellis, to see who knows anyhting about Arkansas.  We got nothing, I mean its in Atlanta, and in the top right of America, near Masachusettes or maybe Wisconsin.  Look, Ellis n Dingo got street smarts.  “We draw pictures” and “Spell with our fists” so fuck off!  On a serious note, if you got a few extra bucks to help, you can bid on a day with The Jason Ellis Show and help SiriusXM fight hunger.  Unfortuantely you can’t bid on a day with your mom, cause she is currently obsessed with trying to #fucktully, maybe next year!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/27/2012

Posted on by
Reply

Remember the first time you saw Cumtard? Of course you do.

It’s Tuesday and nobody really knows anyone until you see them flip the fuck out. Example: Tully punched a bed once. Actually, that’s slightly misleading as Tully confirmed he’s the kind of guy that would plot your death if he were mad enough. Rawdog cried when he broke up with his chick. But hey, Usher and Justin Timberlake have cried before too, so don’t be a mother motherfucker. Speaking of Ursher (as Ludacris likes to call him) he’s a shitty singer but a good dancer, at least that’s what we hear. But can Ursher dance if his goddamned life is on the line? Probably not, he’s gonna die. There might be a dance off between the guys, the gauntlet seems to have been thrown down so we’ll have to see what kind of thuggery comes from this. Ellis thinks he may have damaged his secondary dick vein, not the main vein, we’re talking about the taggling dummy on the right side. Let’s hope this doesn’t have an adverse effect on his dance moves, should the dance off take place. It’s been suggested that Cumtard, the reverse fag-hag, could sell his own greatest hits album full of farts, vomits, and shits – for the low, low, price of $1.99! But the real question is, can dude dance his ass off? According to Cumtard, the majority of girls at a metal show are swampy, fat, beach ball chicks, which sounds a lot like a Juggalette.

Hell to the yeah they are baby, and that’s why we love you failed Hollywood starlets.

I don’t know if Satan just visited the phone lines or what the fuck went on, but callers were totally out of their shit shellacked gashes just before first break today. Hollywood news time, that crazy kid from Two and a Half Men? He’s still insane, and the guy in his whack job video that sat next to him? He had a pistol jammed in that kid’s ribs the entire time. Actually, that’s probably not true, but it would’ve made for a way better story. Remember Anna Nicole Smith? Her 6-year-old daughter wants to be a Guess model. No word on if she’s preparing by doing bumps of Fun Dip. Brad Pitt is filming a new movie, so your wives, girlfriends, what have you can diddle their axe gashes to that. He dumped $1,100 dollars into a charity bucket on a whim, he also dropped a load in several hot bitches’ buckets – allegedly. Halle Berry, Matthew McConaughey, and Jared Leto – what do they all have in common? Gout. That’s not true either, Leto had gout, Berry had bad relationships, and McConaughey had his run, so lets move on. R. Kelly is illiterate and pees on underage girls – Red Dragons, and Dolly Parton entered a drag competition and lost to others who were dressed as her – ouch.

Never doubt yourself, if these shitheads can make an album, you can do something too! I don’t know about defying gravity like this dude, but still.

You ever surfed on a red wave? And I don’t mean “have you ever eaten a chicks gash while she was on her period” kind of red wave, I mean a real, salt water, ocean – that’s red though. Me neither. But you know what we’ve all done? NMT. Alicia Keys was up first with Nicki Minaj and that bitch will give you gash rash. Next up was someone whose name sounded like “nostrils” so I was expecting something completely different. 50 Cent was up next, I don’t know how the fuck Adam Levine worked his skinny gash into the mix, but I don’t think it ups his street cred at all. Roc Marciano was up next, he used to part of Flipmode Squad and I’m guessing he wishes he still was, because the track we heard sucked a red wave. Yes, that kind. I don’t remember the rest, there was some jazz and jazzcult, but no jizzcult. More gash news, some dude was married to this chick for 20 years, turns out that chick he was married to was born a man. BA-ZING! You just got gashed, son!

Fuck it, I’m outta here. This re-cap is complete.

Final calls, let’s see if they’re anywhere near as fucktarded as today’s earlier calls. I walked in on the last part of Rawdog doing some freestyle rap – unfortunately, I have no idea what that was about. Some dude called about his snooping ass girlfriend getting mad at him for watching porn and I think I heard something about her never masturbating before – which has to be pure bullshit. Quick question. Would you lose respect for Rob Dyrdek if you caught him masturbating eight guys in his backyard? Well, this is the type of shit you need to start thinking about! Back to final calls. People still just don’t get it. People keep completely dropping the ball here. I’m going to give you a helpful tip, honestly. If you get through and the music starts playing at the end of the show – take advantage of the shit by SPEAKING, FARTING, SINGING, ANYTHING! Seriously, it doesn’t matter, the airwaves are yours! Alright, now that we have PSA out of the way, let’s talk about that massive bump on your mother’s forehead and how it got there. When she was little, people used to hang her from a clothesline and spin her until she puked. That’s not what did it though. Turns out, stopping her from spinning by using a shovel is what gave her the bump and the mental capacity of a 7-year-old. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/26/2012

Posted on by
1

Santa may be a little creepy, but is he pure evil?

It’s Monday again, some of us are still waking from our turkey comas and still cleaning out the butt gravy from our gashes. The fucking voice machine was all shitted up at the start of the show, but Ellis the fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician called in his trusty co-fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician, Pendarvis, to help get things straightened out. Everyone’s been around family over the holiday, so everyone’s stressed to the fucking maximum. Get this shit, Rawdog rode an ATV over the holiday, in full dress-up with helmet and goggles. Yup, you read that right. Not one to be outdone, Ellis taught Katie how to ride moto over the vegan gothsgiving break as well. Apparently there is photographic evidence of both of their feats, but I haven’t seen either photo yet, therefore this is all alleged hearsay. Santa is a magical white guy, and that’s final. Also, Mrs. Claus’s vagina is barren, she cannot have children and that’s why it’s okay for Santa to creepily watch little sleeping children. Tully went to see Santa over the break, no word on what he asked for though. Ancient religions ate buttholes at mass, it’s a life giving force that most people deny themselves.

Thanksgiving? Why don’t you give thanks that it only comes once a year?

The Smartest Box In The World has made a debut appearance on EllisMania.com interviewing Sean Connery, so you can go watch that if you like seeing hairy balls masquerading as titties. While debating how much vaginal tearing Sean Connery has caused, we found out that Tully has fallen asleep during sex and possibly during the act of licking cookie, and Cumtard has faked orgasms like some kind of rigid bitch with a serious love for flannel and a hatred for razors. Ellis banged with a pair of chicks panties on, all Jimmy Tarzana style. Moto news, Ellis’ bad motorscooter has given him purple dick again, along with a new taint injury. You ever had a deep fried turkey? You ever burnt your fucking face off trying to make a deep fried turkey? If you’ve answered no to both of those questions, you are probably not a proper shit-kicker. Hey, you wanna be a part of a colony of 80,000 people living on Mars for the low-low price of $500,000 smack-a-roos? Yea, me neither – so fuck that dumb shit. Moving on to the “Unsigned Bands” segment, and you know pretty much all submissions are getting made fun of, so no real change this time around – minus a shout out to the dead drummer of one of the bands and another band called the Dirty Orleans River Band.

Who says The Jason Ellis Show isn’t multicultural?

Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber got booed, and Halle Berry has her own personal fight club consisting of all the men in her romantic relationships. This sparked a conversation about who’s fault is it, when she keeps getting into relationships with all these abusive men. Is she abusive? Is she dumb? Or is just the unluckiest person in the world when it comes to picking a man to have a relationship with? Nobody really knows, but one thing we can all agree on is that the kid from Two and Half Men has found Jesus and coincidentally turned fucking bat-shit crazy at the same time. On the brighter side of Hollywood news, Larry Hagman (aka J.R. Ewing) has died. Final calls time, a black guy called into the show and said Ellis and Tully are his “niggas” and in turn, he is theirs as well. He called in to “holla, holla, dolla bill y’all” about the Mayweather / Pacquiao fight stuff. So there it is, the show’s street cred stock just rallied and is now up a few points on the “my nigga” index. In other financial news, your momma’s so poor, I saw her doing headspins on a Cheerios box in front of Goodwill for a piece of Wonder bread. OH!