Cumtard The Cumtardian, From Sector Tard-Tard, In The Tardian System

Some fans of The Jason Ellis Show have a Q & A session with Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft (@KevinKraftSucks), a once (and maybe soon to be again?) producer of the show. He’s become somewhat of a fan favorite among listeners for his willingness to do just about anything for the show, including, but not limited to: smoking & eating his own pubes, eating the infamous “baby bird sandwich”, a “brocone”, and even an onion smoothie – though onions make him hurl. We asked the fans to submit questions they might like to ask him, using the #AskCumtard tag so we could track the questions. And here’s what has become of those questions!

@mike_in_canada: Seriously bro, were you leading on that tranny?
I’m sure she would see it that way but I was just trying to be nice. You’ve heard the stuff I’ve admitted to on the show. If trannies were my thing at all I’d have no problem admitting to it and talking about it. I know it’s hard to believe but I’m a pretty big fan of natural born women.

@bitPimps: When you first started working for the show, did you have any idea you’d be eating the “Baby Bird” or smoking your own pubes?
Pretty much. Since I was a little kid I’ve always been known for doing weird fucked up stuff and I knew Ellis would appreciate someone who will do anything painful or disgusting for the good of the show. And of course now that I’ve done all these things there’s even more pressure on me to not back out of shit. (Fun fact: I don’t think I’ve ever actually smoked my own pubes. I think the only person to ever hit a pubey doobie of my pubes was DJ Cupcake)

@bitPimps: Why do you hate Tully so much?
That hair of his is just too goddamn perfect.

@mike_in_canada: You’ve smoked your own pubes, ate the baby bird, stuck beer in your ass, and drank an onion smoothie… is there anything you won’t do for the show?
The stakes would have to be really high for me to make out with a dude or anything like that… and I mean REALLY high stakes.

@mike_in_canada: What would you have done if your girlfriend spat your load back into your mouth?
Vomit on her face

@tank_yanker: Was there any money to be made as a freeway clown?
Yes but I put it all in Facebook stock and went bankrupt

@bitPimps: You and Will spend a lot of time giggling outside the studio. Has he ever tickled you in a “special” place?
Not that I’m willing to discuss… We just sincerely enjoy the show. It’s great to be able work on a show you love and laugh your ass off all day.

@Hispandrix: What do you consider your “crowning achievement” on the show?
Playing the Leonard Maltin game with Doug Benson was really awesome for me just as a fan. It was also pretty cool doing the “shock bikini” with Dingo and Danny on the controls.

@tank_yanker: Will you be taking great delight in watching Rawdog gag on a dead horse cock?
Yes. I love the guy but it’s nice to see someone else in misery every once in a while.

@sharkchucker: What kind bait did you use to bang the retarded chick. If you knocked her up would you abort?
A piece of cheese. Dealing with retarded people is very similar to dealing with mice

@AZ_RedDragon: Did you listen to TJES before working there?
Yes just not as often that I liked because I was working on other Sirius shows that were live at the same time. I didn’t get to listen enough to know all the inside jokes and references but I’ve always felt Jason is an extremely funny and talented broadcaster.

@AZ_RedDragon: What is the single most embarrassing or disgraceful stunt you’ve done?
Eating the pube breakfast sandwiches was pretty fucked… of all the stuff I’ve done on the show that would be the one that would bum my grandma out the most

@bitPimps: Is there anyone, or a list of people, you would like to tell to fuck off or shout out?
I’d like to shout out Steve Guttenberg just because I’m sure it’s been a long time since anyone has done that

@CrackerStacker6: How old were you for your first attempted suicide? How did you fuck it up, and when do you think you will finally do it right?
I tried to overdose on pills when I was 8 but it turned out they were multivitamins

@ripped_piggy: If you became a Wolfknife tomorrow, what would you want Ellis, Tully, and Josh to give you as a name, excluding CockMountain, Cumfat, Cumtard, or Thrasher?
Thrasher would be nice but that’s just wishful thinking. So far I’m greatly enjoying “Tard Tard the Tard Tardy Tard”

@bitPimps: You do radio production, voice-overs, podcasts, writing… If you had your pick, what do you want to do as a career?
Writing. It’s an extremely thankless job to be a writer in the entertainment industry (most times you’re not even allowed on the set of the movie you wrote) and probably one of the most difficult careers to break into but it’s been my dream since I was a kid. Voice over would probably be the best though. You get a nice paycheck to just sit in a studio and goof off for an hour or two

@CrackerStacker6: Ellis’ nicknames for you got more cruel every week. CockMountain, Cumfat, Cumtard, etc. Did any in particular ever bother you?
Cumfat was kind of a bummer. Who in their right mind wants to fuck some asshole called Cumfat? Splooge was kinda funny.

@ripped_piggy: It looks like they need to replace elmo with a new creepy puppeteer, any chance you’ll be applying to live on sesame street?
That would be a sweet gig but imagine the media firestorm “New Elmo voice eats his own pubes and shoves beer up his asshole”

@CrackerStacker6: Did you ever feel like Ellis just expected you to know how he wanted things done, instead of just tell you?
Yes but that’s the life of a producer. You always have to try to anticipate the next step. It’s not an exact science so it’ll never be something you can be right on 100% of the time. Just look at Howard and Baba Booey. He’s been with the show forever and still gets yelled at for goofing things up from time to time.

@Hollow_NorCal: Tranny sex… is it better than regular sex since there is more to play with?
More doesn’t necessarily equal better. “Less is more” applies to dicks


Thanks to Kevin for all the games he’s come up with as well as all the insane games he’s participated in – just to make us laugh, for getting shocked to shit, and for taking the time to do this Q & A session with the fans. Cumtard is a gamer and he comes through for the show, especially when someone is needed. Here’s to hoping he finds himself in a more permanent position. Can’t get enough of him? He has his own podcast, The Mad Scientist Party Hour, that you can check out.

Related posts: 2012: This Year In Cumtard Images

2 thoughts on “Cumtard The Cumtardian, From Sector Tard-Tard, In The Tardian System

  1. Pingback: Show Re-cap For Monday 11/19/2012 | No You Are

  2. Pingback: 2012: This Year In Cumtard Images | No You Are

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