Tag Archives: Chad Kroeger

Big Fucking Mega Boat Review by Branden

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The story begins with our hero Skeet McRib, a Lebowski-esque hulk of a man, sitting and watching music videos with a bowl of cereal. His wild jew-fro, tattoos and painted fingernails suggest he has a secret. The secret is soon revealed that he is a lethal assassin who employs a group of ninjas to attempt to kick his ass every morning. To keep his skills sharp. He oozes manliness that seems to act as a pheromone for asian women.
Elsewhere, A bearded trillionaire jogs on a treadmill on his yacht. Seemingly an innocent exercise in good health at first, we then learn that this treadmill has a much more sinister purpose: to power and Malmorphanize his yacht into the evil Big Fucking Mega Boat.

Skeet McRib continues about his day, getting into his car pausing only to look at a picture of his best friend and lover, who we assume is passed because of the powerful emotion that comes over the face of this stone of a man. The audience’s heart sinks and you want to just reach out and punch him square in the dick. This powerful on screen moment is quickly interrupted by a malevolent looking bunny who jumps onto screen. You can see it in Skeet’s eyes that he has seen this bunny before. Skeet slams the accelerator and an epic car chase ensues that ends abruptly when Skeet outwits the bunny rabbit and bails out of his Porsche and lets it burst into flames as the rabbit follows and crashes his monster truck.

We cut to a priest, Radley Mancakes, standing in front of a church. There is regret in his eyes, as well as retribution. Skeet approaches and asks for Mancakes’ help. Skeet explains he is terrified of rabbits, and needs Radley’s help. Radley pulls out his big fucking mega gun and vows to help his dear friend, and we learn the dark past of the Mancake. However, Radley hears Skeet wrong and instead of hunting rabbits starts to hunt moose.
We cut to President Queefer Sutherland addressing the nation in a staunch and confident tone about the incoming threat of Big Fucking Mega Boat and assure the citizens that they have built their own Big Fucking Mega Boat and will deal with the problem…..His plan doesn’t work and the government’s boat was just not big or fucking enough to deal with the Big Fucking Mega Boat.

JägerBeard the pirate is lying washed up on a hollow sounding shore covered in vegetables. He looks like the kind of pirate that likes the taste of his own semen. Skeet approaches and Jäger Beard explains vegetables are his biggest fear.

Skeet has a flashback that reveals his lover to be Chad Kroeger. This is where the movie get out of hand in my opinion because the actor chosen to play Chad Kroeger is much too badass and manly to be Chad Kroeger. They say the devil is in the details, but Skeet and Chad share a passionate kiss and vow their love for one another right before Chad is mauled by a bunny rabbit. The movie pulled me back in here because I could totally see Kroeger getting killed by a bunny rabbit, along with his best friend Josh Koscheck.

The pieces fall together for Skeet a he realizes the BFMB uses your darkest fear against you. JägerBeard and Skeet decide to team up against the mega boat.
A fucking Moose, mate.

JägerBeard and Skeet speed through the water on high powered water machines, racing towards the BFMB. The BFMB senses the danger and fires vegetables and bunnies at the incoming threat, killing JägerBeard.

With his lame friend (who obviously didn’t care about helping the team out dead in the water) dead in the water Skeet boards the BFMB and infiltrates it’s lower levels. Skeet comes upon the sinister man from the beginning of the movie who reveals himself to be THE Pierce Johnson. Pierce and Skeet have a brief martial arts battle where the two come to a draw, knowing each other to be equals. Pierce reveals that he is not in fact the mastermind of the BFMB and the boat has a mind of its own.

Skeet emerges on the deck of the boat and seems victorious for some reason until he notices a small, but supple young breast in the waters. A big fucking tit rabbit emerges from the water and Skeet is forced to battle his biggest fear(message!). Skeet stabs the tit rabbit in the vagina and eats/tongue fucks the wound and thrusts his sword at the rabbit.
Dead Tit Rabbit. Chad Kroeger and JägerBeard are seen in the sky congratulating Skeet and letting him know it will be ok. JägerBeard sucks off Chad Kroeger with a feverish enthusiasm. Kroeger’s taken care of baby.
A fucking Moose mate. Cookie bomb. Moose.

That may have been longer than the script. Thanks for the laughs guys, hope I give you one or two.

Fuck your mother,

Branden (@CrackerStacker6)

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 8/22/2012

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I would like to start off by thanking the SiriusXm app for being a total pile of shit that was shit out by yet another piece of shit that previously ate it. I missed the first 15 minutes due to this fucktardedry and caught the part where Ellis said that he signed the papers for the house in Tarzan. I’m not from LA so this means as much to me as knowing where Burbank is, sorry Dave. A good friend of the EllisFam, Cody, called in today to thank the Fam and mainly Dutch for their support through his rough emotional patch. This is one of the astonishing things that the EllisFam is known for, helping our brothers and sisters in their time of need, that and giving Dutch handys, you know you would. That led to the discussion of taking depression medication, and the survey says, why not? Ellis wants to have his am show played on Faction, as if we haven’t already heard, Mittens Romney drove with his dog on the top of the car bla bla bla, we covered this about a month ago. The surprising this was that Rawdiggidydog was the only one who remembered that, oh and about 500 people on ellismania.com.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are getting married, and according to TMZ this will mark the first lesbian marriage in the Rock World so congrats to the two of them. Rawdog still chooses to defend his McEating habits even though he pissed out a kidney stone. He he is even going as far as to say that carbonated beverages don’t attribute to them. If carbonated drinks don’t cause kidney stones then internet porn isn’t the cause for my sticky keyboard. A brand spanking new game was played today, no it wasn’t guess whats in yer mums smash box, it was, ummmm, I forget. Lets just call it Caller Bingo. Basically a restaurant owner, police officer, elected official, gay porn star, cowboy, etc., had to call in and the guys marked off their bingo boards. This game took forever and was slightly amusing but I’m pretty sure that they won’t be playing it again in the near future. Breaking news, chicks love their boobies and vaginas and so do I! Josh doesn’t know exactly where his girlfriend of 2 months lives exactly. She says its because shes embarrassed or some shit, I think its because they are a secretly working for Opie and Anthony and are stealing show secrets from McTumblebum. Would you take 4 dicks in the ass for 500 thousand dollars cash tax free? If you say no then I know your lying, yer mum did it for bus fare and a half eaten hamburger, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 8/9/2012

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Whats up                                            thanks for coming back             funny as hell                      this one time I                                           then I told yer mum                                 funkin hell mother of a cunt                                    on the show today.                                      WILLLLL what about the government                                                  WILLLLLLL the radio is fucked up                                             That’s how the beginning of the show was, exciting shit right there. But as always, shit got fixed and everything got back on schedule. Right after shit got straight the guys mentioned a clip of a cam girl that Sir Bit Pimpington the Third sent them. She apparently broke down and started crying, but why let me tell you what happened when you can see it for yourself. For a brief moment there was a bit of good news admist all the futardedry, no callers. At least for a little while until Will and the Government fixed that too. Rawdog is apparently a slayer of rats, and accompanying him is Tully the Conqueror. But Rawdog the great had to get his roomie to get the rat out of the trap, Man Card suspended.

Chicks with scars are hot!

Another dude sent Ellis a video of a sick burnout, but I couldn’t find the link so I give you this instead. Creepy. Bloomin Onions aren’t Australian and fat people love them because they’re fat and they’re fat because they love Bloomin Onions. And lifes circle continues. Travis Pastrana (@TravisPastrana) and Jolene Van Vugt (@JoleneNitroGirl). Jolene talked about all the cool shit that most men don’t have the balls to do and how many times she’s been knocked the fuck out. After a little while Travis started talking and it seemed much less interesting, or sexy. But the main point is to check out Nitro Circus 3D, not featuring Andy Bell.

Is this where the bad man touched you?

I got really busy at work doing work like shit and the next thing I know is that I heard some dude was chowing beav on horse. After I cleaned up the mess that was once my lunch I heard a woman got strip searched on the side of the road. This bitch must have been up to some really shady shit because the officer even felt it necessary to “pull the plug.” After such a great story about how our officers are protecting the public from PMSing road raging bitches, they played Ellis Jeopardy. Again, Tuberculosis’s name was on the line and once again, he lost. Ladies and Gentalmen, please welcome Chad Kreuger infant holocaust.

I know you looked at their titty too, don’t deny it.

The community should start teaching the homeless people jui jitsu, one new move every day. Then they can protect us, or rob us easier. But it would still be trippy to see The Bag Lady put some dude in an arm bar for a sandwich. The rest of the show was mainly discussing the woman with two heads, actually the women with one body. Most importantly the public would like to know, if they fart who do you blame it on? Do they give great BJ’s? If you fuck them is it technically a threesome? Do they both get an O face? What if one wants anal and the other doesn’t? I think that these girls need to get their collective ass onto the show so that we may get answers. But either way, these girls still can’t suck more dicks at the same time as yer mum, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 6/7/2012

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Wolf Knives Album Cover

Hai you guise! OMG I’ve missed you all soooooo much! It’s so good to see you! Mwah, big kisses and fanny pats. It’s Thursday you fuckin’ ball gagging, piss drinking, cum eating, shit diddling, friends of mine! Don’t take it the wrong way, I mean that shit with the utmost respect. Wolf Knives are a real gang now, with a real website, and if you’re cool, you too can be a part of the Wolf Knives gang that comes complete with a patch and errything, you can check that shit out at thewolfknives.com for all your Wolf Knives gang related inquiries. No word on if you have to be jumped in or if you just gotta fork over the scrilla. Dr. Crystal Methamphetamines was the first outsider to be inducted into the gang, along side @Dutch_RDS, and of course @benjaminmadden and a few other stone cold gassers.

No jokes with this bumper sticker

Josh has finally come out of the closet and admitted he is gay, well at least 5 to 10 percent out of the closet. Ellis is putting up a profile on Cougar Life, looking to get his dick wet from a disease free fountain of cougars. If Mitt Romney becomes President, Ellis will suck a dead horse’s dick, and if not, Rawdog will be sucking a dead horse’s dick. Depending on how you look at it, it could be surprising or not so surprising, but a caller chimed in with access to a dead mule’s dick. This fucking guy is like the Swiss army knife of dead animal dicks, it’s really quite amazing actually. Sounds like the A6K is a bigger piece of shit than Rawdog’s car, West Coast Customs contacted Ellis to tell him the electrical wiring and dash was just too fucked up to do anything with so they’ll have to get him all new shit. I don’t know who worked on the A6K before (likely Audiobahn), but apparently they MacGruber’ed the shit out of it to the point that it is unsafe to even be driving.

Wat? This isn’t normal?

Ellis went out on a friendly date last night with that Michelle “Bombshell” McGee chick, he said she was really funny and cool and not at all like the gossip that seems to follow her around. Am I the only one that thinks she’s not good looking in the slightest? The band Nickleback is shit, we all know it, we’ve all known it for a long time now, and yes Chad Kroeger has ramen noodle hair, so let’s just move along to something more interesting. The guys played some Ellis Jeopardy today, each battling for their own personalized prize should they be the winner. The new intern, Bitch Taco, wants to change his nickname to something a little more respectable, Rawdog is playing for a chance to punch Tully in the dick, and Tully is playing for a chance to upgrade his unused “skip the show for 15 minutes” card, to 30 minutes. And the final winner ended up being the intern formerly known as “Bitch Taco”, who is now known as “Cock Nacho”, so congratulations to you, sir.

Just going out with the girls, honey!

A few of the final calls were kind of interesting, some dude’s wife got mad at him for chewing tobacco, so the logical thing to do was to be all shady, lie to her husband, go have 9 glasses of wine and a burger with some fucking dude. Then she felt bad for being a whore and was all lovey dovey to her husband and then when he reciprocated, she called him clingy. A couple of small (as in little people) calls as well, one midget cock blocked a normal sized dude by telling some chick that he had drank a lot that night. Little people, they’re evil just like gingers, but at least they have tiny souls whereas gingers do not. The other little person caller was saying that the word “midget” is offensive, people are far too sensitive these days, it’s not like people are calling you short stack or lil’ turtle. And finally, I have a prediction and a nice comparison to make about your mother, and being that she’s a street worker (read prostitute), there’s a good chance this could be prophetic. How are cell phone signals, your mom, and Princess Diana alike? They all die in tunnels. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 5/30/2012

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Hot chicks here, hot chicks there, but there are no hot chicks around you. Why, you ask? Because according to Rawdog there is only about 2,000 girls that rate a 10 in the entire world and chances are you don’t know her. Don’t fel bad, neither do I.  The big announcement yesterday was about the indoor truck series and how awesome it is going to be. Its like truck racing and moto had a bastard child and fed it Red Bulls. The talk turned to NASCAR and Jason, Tully, and Josh don’t seem to understand its popularity, but two million beer drinkin, burger eatin, Camel smokin americans can’t be wrong. And hockey, that too, except its Canadian and I don’t know what Canadians smoke. But non the less, they’re both great to have an ice cold brew to. Cheers.

Today was also the delayed New Music Tuesday, you can guess how that went, some good, some fucking aweful. I would go into more detail but that would mean I would have to remember it and living through it once was enough. Theres a new call screener, again. It appears we will have a new one every day this week, what fun. There was a new game played today also, The Ultimate Phone Caller! This is where two callers pretend to fight one another MMA style and pretend to win the pretend fight. It goes to show you that even lame bits that don’t really work can end up being funny.

Today was also Worlds Greatest Wednesday, and the topic was Worlds Richest Person Whos Face You’d Like To Punch, or something like that. And heres your list:

10.  I forget

9.  I missed it

8. I dont know

7. Sarah Jessicah Parker

6. Thom Yorke

5. Donald Trump (maybe)

4. Steven Seagal

3. Donald Trump (again, maybe)

2. Chad Kroeger

1. Eli Manning

And that is your Worlds Greatest Wednesday, sort of. Moving on, has a cross dressing scarf wearing pig on the loose, Affliction needs to go away, even the girls agree, Tapout is still cool, and the final callers weren’t too bad, suprisingly.

I apologise for some of the things I missed in this re-cap, the mobil app on my phone kept losing the data connection and I’m pretty sure it was because your moms ginormous gunt was blocking the 3G signal as she layed int he sun, OH!