Tag Archives: Andy Dick

Show Recap for Friday 8/29/2014

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What a mother fuckin ball busting week! This is the first show I’ve been able to listen to in Skateboard-Ramp-Failits entirety. Good thing too otherwise this recap would be even shittier. Ellis began his monologue saying that he remembered that he thought he couldn’t do a trick but he tried and then he did plus many more he didn’t think he could do then he was number one. That my friends is called inspiration, so grab a skateboard and be inspired. Just try not to break your dome in the process. Tully said his job isn’t to inspire but to crack jokes and read the New Yorker so we don’t have to. He’s doing a great job at it also. My job is to break shit and tell jokes about yer mum, and so far so good. Remember the Ellis hotel lesbian Wolfknife workout party? Well now it’s going to probably be moved to a gym so it will be the Ellis Gym Lesbian Wolfknife Workout Party. There’s some UFC fights this weekend, seems like I said this last Friday, just to be preemptive for next Friday, there will be some UFC fights that weekend too. Tully is going to spend part of his weekend watching shitty movies and loving them.

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Coywolf don’t give a shit. Coywolf will fuck you up. Coywolf will fuck your bitch and not call her again. Why? Because it’s a mother fuckin coyote wolf and is now taking over the north east, that’s fucking why!  Ellis and Tully did a bit of Faction music cleansing by deciding what songs shouldn’t be played in the four hours Ellis has control and what songs shouldn’t be on Faction all together. Unfortunately they took calls on some of the music and this again proved that the callers are idiots. Faction is a menagerie of music from rock to punk to hip-hop and most everything in between. If all they want is rock then listen to Liquid Metal, Octane, Lithium, Classic Rewind, or Classic Vinyl you fucking tool bags. I love listening to Faction because of the variety and not all the songs I like, but that doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t like it. Except that one song, that song is a pile of flaming shit.

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In Breaking UFC News the UFC is going to start their own year round random drug testing. majestic_pooping_wolf_640_01This will make a more level field for all competitors. Then they played Ellis jeopardy, hotdog won. I’m not going to elaborate on the game because we’ve all heard it before and if you haven’t then you suck. After the game they assigned more Wolfkinfe names. Again, if you haven’t heard this either then you double suck. But if you have then we salute you.

In yet another Breaking MMA News, Joe Soto will fight Dillinshaw tomorrow. The other dude pulled out due to health concerns. Mainly his pussy hurt too much and he was bloated from retaining water. Have you ever met a celebrity? Was it weird? Well if so then you’re not alone because today’s new bit was Weird Celebrity Encounters. Starting us off was Will with a story about Andy Dick trying tokingandy get into his car while he had his kids with him. Weird. Here is a summary of most of the other stories. Sebastian Bach thinks dudes are better with tits, Bruce Willis is a dick, Andy dick loves the bible, Shawn white can’t play poker for shit, Andy Dick is indestructible, some dude fucked some lesbian Disney kid, Tiger Woods doesn’t want you touching his fucking clubs, Lou Ferrigno yells so he can hear himself, Tony Yayo is an angry mother fucker, and one dude turned down a threesome with Ron Jeremy and yer mum because she had more body hair than Ron, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014 Part Deaux

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Too much hair on a mans chest can just be in-furr-iating! Hahaha fuck yo couch and welcome to the Friday Jason Ellis Show Recap. Having a body full of fur sounds alright,

Just imagine how long it takes him to shave his balls.

Just imagine how long it takes him to shave his balls.

you’re always warm, no skin cancer, no matter where you lay down it’s always soft. But be careful what you wish for, the cost of hair conditioner is astronomical. It’s the end of the week and some listeners are assholes, porn stars are probably mentally scarred, Australian actors are regular people too, little kids are constantly tripping balls, and Tully may or may not have a cold sore. But probably not. Maybe. This weekend Jason is going to do a wheelie on a horse. Total Nitro Circus meets John Wayne style. Yippie Kai Yay mother fucker.

If you listened to the live show then you know that the music was hand selected by listeners. If you want your chance to pick the music just tweet your selection to @JasonEllisShow and they’ll probably play it, even if it sucks, because if it sucks it’s all downloadyour fault. In Shark News according to science, great white sharks can live up to 70 years old! Also in shark news, Laurie in Oregon hates Will. She doesn’t think he’s funny, at all. She doesn’t understand why he’s funny because she’s not “in the circle.” But to be completely honest, she doesn’t even like Hate Bean and after she said that all I could hear in my head was Charlie Browns teacher talking. Wa wa wa. Wa wa. Wa wa, wa wa wa. Basically deep down inside she wants him to judge her butt and climax, it’s an internal struggle that she wishes was an internal struggle. But on a more serious topic, what the fuck is a sprinkle sandwich? Is it just a sandwich with sprinkles in it? No seriously, I don’t fucking know for sure. Oh well, another one of life’s great mysteries shall go unsolved. But one of life’s answered question, who are your favorite people who have been on the show. Some people that were mentioned as guest co hosts were Dingo, Jude, CJH, Joanna Angel, Doug Benson, and Psycho Mike just to name a few. Also Will is wearing cowgirl style underwear, I’ll just let your mind wrap around that one for a bit.

A New Mexico woman, the new one not the old Mexico, was charged for aggravated assault after pulling a gun from her dick pocket after an argument about aliens. Oh, this is Women Am I Right in case you didn’t figure it out by now. A woman was arrested after breaking into a pet store because she wanted to set the puppies free, topless. Only makes sense. A 78 year old woman asked to see her receipt and the twenty something girl punched the old lady in the kisser. A Texas woman robbed the same bank twice in one month is being sought after. Speaking of crazy bitches, Andy Dick is here! Well not here, on the show here. He’s not helping me write the recap right now, but it would be way funnier if he was. Andy was on fire talking about all kinds of exciting shit like rehab and drinkin and being on TV! And Andy also got married, but for the right reasons, taxes and health care benefits. And everyone thinks he’s completely retarded! They talked about all kinds of shit. Like dreds and how much they stink and Andy’s to do list for the rest of the day. He has a conference call at six if you were wondering.
wtf-o (1)In duck rape news, a third of all duck sex is forced. Quack mother fuckin quack. You Sir Are A Moron, not you, the bit, well maybe you, but you don’t have special celebrity guest Andy Dick. It was riveting, earth shattering, and incredibly insightful but if you really want to know what was said check out On Demand or listen to the replay Monday morning because in case you forgot, it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck, and that’s a lot of shit to write.

"You can't rape the willing!" - Howard The Duck

“You can’t rape the willing!” – Howard The Duck

Andy had to leave but no worries, you can go to some website and order The Awesome Guide To Life Something Something Long Title at Amazon.com probably. It’s awesome, I already read it. It helped me to stop smoking, raise my credit score, and treat women and goats with more respect and dignity. Kids these days are snorting Smarties, the sugar candy pills. I’m not surprised, it’s next logical step after Pixie Sticks and everyone knows that Pixie Sticks are a gateway candy. Final calls were the usual nonsense but more importantly the fans came together to let Will know that he is the wind beneath our wings, he is our sunshine our only sunshine, he completes us. And Laurie from Oregon should know that she needs keep her opinions about Will “the greatest man ever” Pendarvis to herself, much like her mum should keep her filth ridden septic tank wild animal feral vagina to herself, OH!

And if Laurie happens to read this, I didn’t mean it, just jokes. Or are they? Do do do do do do do do do do do (twilight zone theme)

Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014

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I’m here to recap and kick ass. Eventually, I’ll be done with the recap, but not yet.

It’s Friday, nobody gives a fuck, including me. So peep this shit. To much hair on a man’s chest can present itself to be a… hairy situation. YEEEAAAHHH! It’s cool, you’re like a bear with all that, all that, all that hair. But it can be a little… overbearing. YEEEAAAHHH! Think you got a super hairy chest? Go sit next to a dog. You still think you got a hairy chest? Kick ass, the show keeps cutting in and out on me. Whatever. It’s Friday. Fuck it. Tully took some exception to people calling yesterday’s guest, Dillion, a cumdumpster or something. Come on people, let’s be a little respectful of Wilson’s spank bank material. Eric Bana, Hugh Huge Jackman, and Chris Hemsworth are super Australian but Russel Crowe is not, he’s an imposter Aussie. Katie woke up perioding out on Ellis today, not bleeding, but bitching – but it happens to everyone and it’s all good. It happened to Tully’s kid today, he flipped his shit over a dirty diaper and had a typical baby meltdown whose cries spanned the gamut of emotions. Tully might have a cold sore. He noticed it before the AVNs, thank the powers that be. Tully recently found out he’s been drinking blood bubbles, his Soda Stream thing is based in occopied Jewville or something and people are all like, “Whuuuut?” and the other people are like, “Shyeaaahh!” so that leaves everyone else all like “Huh.” Tully will be watching some UFC this weekend and Ellis will be doing a wheelie on a horse this weekend. I know what you’re thinking, that’s impossible. I am here to tell you, it is indeed possible to watch the UFC. It’s on TV. Duh! Wilson popped in the studio and left just as quickly like a true prima donna. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with Shoebox. Scientists found out the great white sharks can live to be up to 70 years old. That means there’s some shark that remember when man landed on the moon and how bad he wanted to eat a man who landed on the moon. Did you know there exists a person who absolutely hates Wilson? I mean loathes his very existence, her name is Lori and she’s from Oregon and she’s on the horn. If you’re not catching on here with the “her” and “she’s”, we’re talking about a woman, with an opinion. She also works for the government and sounds like she might be a little bitter – and in lurve. Am I right? Of course I am. HEYOH! Speaking of foolery, the pizza guy stopped at Ellis’ place last night and asked if she shaved his dog. Problem was, he was speaking about the hairless cat. Dog, cat, whatever, now we’re talking about ducks. Wait. No. Let’s talk about who are the favorite guests that regularly come on to show. While coming up with the list of names, we find out the Shoebox has been in 3 movies and has blown somebody in all 3 movies, proving that art really does imitate life. (thank you Tully for that joke) Wilma Pendarvis was escorted into the studio, while on a conference call – a real one. While everyone on the conference call was listening, Wilma had to discretely describe what kind of underwear she was wearing – it was pretty hilarious. You catch that Lori? OH! Break time!

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The people have spoken, Lori. hahaa

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Oh Andy, what are we going to do with you?

Aaaand we’re back, with news that you can now order Ellis’ new book, “The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together” This lead us into some Women, Am I Right? news with a woman who pulled a gun out of her vagina after a fight about aliens. Next up, a woman was arrested for breaking into a pet store to set puppies free, not her sweater puppies, but real life puppies. I know, bad joke. Next up, a New York woman punched a 70-year-old Walmart greeter lady in de face on Christmas eve over a disputed receipt. Just as duck news got shot down, women am I right news got shut down early because a guest had showed up, costing Ellis to lose his $10 bet with Shoebox on whether the guest would actually show or not. In comes Andy Dick. And boom, boom, boom, out go the lights. I can’t handle listening to him much anymore, so I drifted in and out of consciousness the entire time. I think they talked about addiction, fucking guys, fucking girls, pissing on people, and Tully making balls out of the headphone cords. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with You Sir Are a Moron. But first, there’s a lot of rape going on the world ducks. Ducks can have 17 inch long dicks and is constantly evolving to be able to rape female ducks. Meanwhile, the female ducks’ vagina are constantly evolving to thwart being raped, making it an arms race between male and female ducks. Okay, back to the game. Shit. I forgot to jot down the questions. Well, let me tell ya, there were some questions, that’s for sure! And Cumtard asked them, it’s true. I heard him. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, and Andy Dick isn’t, he left. And then there was talk about Ellis’ new book, the one I mentioned above – scroll up – see it? That one. Okay, now look back here, here’s where you can pre-order signed copies of the book: awesomeguidetolife.com BAM! Will’s still not coming into the studio and his weekend has been ruined, all because of Lori – that harlot with her opinions. Speaking of maggots, a middle school warned that snorting Smarties may lead to nasal maggots. I’ve snorted Smarties when I was a kid, Fun Dip too, and I never got nasal maggots. You hear me kids? You’re safe to do pretend drugs. Wait. No. I don’t mean you should pretend to do drugs, but if you have or do, I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get nasal maggots. Will finally came into the studio to air his grievances and share his feelings. Maybe Lori just got confused, HateBean is just the band name, not a command. And with that, I’m wrapping this baby up. But first, let me tell you this. One time I was in Prague and witness a woman getting an abortion, it was crazy! The only thing for me to say was, I guess you could call that a… cancelled Czech! YEEEAAAHHH!

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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013

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Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.

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Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.

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Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:

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Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

  • Best Religion: Scientology
  • Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
  • Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
  • Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
  • Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
  • Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
  • Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
  • Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
  • Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
  • Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
  • The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
  • Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
  • Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
  • Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
  • “Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
  • Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
  • Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
  • Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
  • Man of the Year: Chris Brown
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Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.