Show Re-cap For Monday 2/4/2013

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larry_king

Larry King never interviewed people while wearing a speedo.

Here we are again, another Monday, and if you’d think talking to humans would be easy, but it’s not. Also, if you could shit one of your dicks out and have two eyes and two brains, it’d be easier. I don’t know what any of that means, don’t ask me. Dingo’s in the house, and he doesn’t have a freebie to bone Katie, but Millsaps does. Talking about motocross, Chad’a Reed did something or another, but didn’t do another thing. A pantsless Ellis interviewed and shook hands with Total Moto Poto, and he doesn’t have a freebie to bone Katie either. Katie hates football, but Ellis had to watch it at least a little bit so he was busy switching between porn and football. Rawdog didn’t watch football at all, so I assume he may have been flipping back and forth between porn and the puppy bowl. Tully and Dingo did watch the game, but not together so it’s not gay. Thunder Thighs TLC Destiny’s Child performed some annoying, yet manly, shit during the halftime break at the Super Bowl. Beyoncé’s wide box and devil face pretty much were the talk of the world though, not because it was stellar, but because her wide box was, well, wide. I still say Kenda Perez has the widest box on the planet, see a box comparison. Hey, good news, Rashad Evans lost his fight and Dana White says Rashad lost the desire and drive to compete. Dingo didn’t realize that his home country of Australia has proposed a new flag.

Can Rawdog make it to fullfill his bet, or will he not quite make it like a chick in the tampon isle?

Can Rawdog fulfill his bet, or will he not quite make it like a chick in the tampon isle?

We got to hear some of JägerBeard’s new buttons from Friday’s show, where he was slurring words and belligerently telling Tully and Ellis not to fuck his sister. After the show Friday, he went home and took a 4 hour nap, hungover and with a headache. He was hungry and was driving to Ralph’s when he felt like he had to throw-up, pulled over and puked. He couldn’t stop puking and decided to say fuck food and just go back home. Good stuff, if you missed Friday’s show, you missed out on a fun-ass show. The salad diet may be taking a toll on Rawdog, today he complained of feeling lightheaded, so Ellis had the intern run out to get him a salad. Sounds like he’s not eating much of anything, one is only left to assume he’s not eating much because he hates salads and would rather go hungry than eat something healthy. He also doesn’t like people to watch him eat salad, he didn’t want anyone to watch or film him, which made everyone think that Rawdog may be cheating – which Rawdog vehemently denies. Ellis ended up kicking him off the air and sent him out of the studio to eat his salad. It sounds like Rawdog might actually be doing himself some harm trying to fulfill this bet, he definitely shouldn’t be feeling faint and clearly needs more food in his body. After 16 minutes, Rawdog ended up coming in to show how much he’s eaten in that time – which didn’t sound like much. He got sent back out to the parking lot to keep eating his salad.

Jay-Z might be cool, but is he this cool?

Jay-Z might be cool, but is he this cool?

Speaking of eating healthy, do you think Jay-Z juices? Or do you think he just eats healthier because he’s rich and famous and it’s easier to eat healthier when you have a personal chef and dietician watching and preparing your food for you. One thing’s for sure, he’s not eating no horse meat hamburgers. That Jared guy from Subway? Yea, there’s no way Jared is eating only Subway sandwiches, maintaining his weight loss, and health. What? Corporations lie to consumers? I have never, ever, never-ever, in all my years… I’m speechless. Cumtard had some friends come in from out of town so they could be on his podcast, which isn’t live, and you can only listen to – not watch. After the show on Friday, he and his friends headed to Vegas – his car makes a noise, blows up, and they have to pull over on the side of the road – still 40 miles away from Vegas. They call AAA and waited in the middle of the desert for 2 hours, finally get to Vegas and raise a little hell by winning and losing some money. Josh came back in, ate all his salad, busted out his get out of jail free card when called Ellis out for not fulfilling his end of a bet where he was supposed to eat fast food and didn’t. Rawdog was clearly pissed and let them know he was pissed and then the show tried to soldier on without this massive weirdness in the air.

Jesus don't care if you hate the Jews, he's got bigger problems.

Jesus don’t care if you hate the Jews, he’s got bigger problems.

JizzCult came in with a game to play, which helped lighten the mood and kept the show rolling on. The game went well and Tully won like $15 bucks or something. JizzCult might be getting a new name due to a boxing poster Tully saw and took a picture of, Mookie The Sponge Back, or something like that. Some chick called in to tell Ellis she had a dream about him where they made out and went hard in the paint with some foreplay and she woke up before insertion, but she sounded satisfied anyway. Bri-Bri from Idaho called in to tell the gang that he and the other one dude that lives in Idaho are starting a “Future 41” sled team. Ladies, you can send your unsigned burps into the show if you like, do not however, I repeat, do not send in your unsigned farts. Another Jew hater that called in last week to say a happy Jew birthday to Rawdog, called in today to say he’s not antisemitic, but we all know better – you can just hear it over the phone. I was almost expecting that guy to say something like, “now that Obama is in office, they’re tearing out the rose garden and putting in a watermelon patch.” like the racist that he his. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 2/1/2013

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Australians are all criminals but aren’t we all. We all seal, but are we really poor? I don’t know the answer to that. I’m not even sure what that means. Today’s show is the post Rawdog birthday extravaganza with a special guest appearance by Jagarbeard. The conversation they guys talked about a dude who was doing massive whipits in front of cops and how Tully loves doing them at Thanksgiving and how he might be the biggest druggie on the whole show.  They also talked about Josh’s ugly head, him wearing a helmet, Star Trek, robots, and Hawaii 5-O bitches. Here’s a public service announcement from The Jason Ellis Show, reading is important unless your gonna be a pro skateboarder but you probably won’t because proxyyou suck so reading is important. We also learned about the many hats of Josh Richmond, literally. He has a fancy yamaka, an old yamaka,  a cheap yamaka, and a pirate hat of course. When your in your thirties your half way dead, in case you didn’t figure that out every time you wake up sore after doing nothing and injuries that stem from the most simple of physical activities. But good news though, your dick gets bigger. So next time you see an old dude slouched over walking down the street just remember that he walks like that because of the massive hog he’s having to haul around. Today is also Josh’s first day of the salad challange of doom. Will Josh be in the 27 club? Probably not, even with his fast food diet, but this brought on another conversation, open casket or closed? Ellis figures that as long he’s looking good then leave that bitch open so everyone can gaze upon his awesome dead face.
rawdog_chanukah_hat
Beyonce redid the National Anthem at a press conference and did one hell of a performance. but the real question was, Why didn’t she just do that from the beginning and avoid all this crap? Probably because she is a woman and this leads us into the ever entertaining, Woman, Am I Right? A Brazilian priest was droppin loads into numerous woman’s throats after convincing them that he was blasting holy loads. The best teacher ever got in trouble for being AWESOME. She had a twitter account that was her smoking weed and taking nude pics. An Arizona teachers aid got in trouble for giving teradactlys in the gym. A British chick fell into frozen canal while texting, a woman forgot to set her anti theft bear trap and got robbed, Japanese women are getting fake crooked teeth. A Granny got 4 tickets in an hour while driving 500 something miles through two states doing 80 to 115 miles per hour. And if some of you dudes are looking to get married, there is a 29 year old vegan Brit who is looking for husband but the catch is that he must be celibate, for ever, until death, then you can fuck her.

01moore-pic-articleLargeA moment of silence for Caleb Moore, the snowboarder dude that died after a horrible snowmobile wreck attempting a backflip. And mad respect to people that put their life on the line just to go harder and faster and do more gnarly tricks all to be better than the other dude and thanks for letting us watch this great spectacle. A dude named Lil-za was pulled over in Bieber’s Ferrari with no license. Guess when you have that much money you can let munchkins borrow your fancy ass car. Then they did Hollywood news again and I will give you the short notes on it. Larry king, Miley Cyrus, Gisele Bundchem, an actor fight at The Martini Ranch. This is also the point in the show where Jagarbeard is in full form and the show is absolutely brilliant. There is no way that I can properly translate the hilarity to paper. Metallica has signature vans, in case you were wondering and more importantly, Josh cannot close just one eye. Russians are getting penis tattoos, Rawdog is fantasizing about his new girlfriend stroking his shaft and something about his sisters boyfriend who can out fuck Ellis or Tully because he is young and can throw some back into his game. I’m not sure what all I just wrote but the conversation was about as random as that and hilarious. More advise from the inebriated bush baby, be in the moment, be here, be present. Josh was becoming more and more relaxed in studio to the point that someone should have gotten him a Redbull or coffee or something. Things livened up with a new game, pin the dick in raw dogs face or something like that, because Grant Cobb forgot part of his tattoo gun. The object of the game was to spin around and try to mouth fuck a cut out of Rawdogs fave with a strap on.  It was funny especially when it was Josh’s turn and he fell down and was trying to spin around while laying on the ground. After three minutes he finally managed to fuck his own mouth. Final calls were about the Ravens winning the Super Bowl, Anal beads and RC cars, Wills ass, Gurgling neck noises, and everyone wondering where them titties are at, it is Josh’s birthday show after all. Josh did get a very special present this year from yer mum, she got him nothing, no crabs, no lice, no venerial disease. It was the best gift from her ever, OH!

Happy Birthday Josh from the degenerates at NoYouAre.lixlink.com

Happy Birthday Josh from the degenerates at NoYouAre.lixlink.com

Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/31/2013

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All it takes to fuck....

All it takes to fuck….

It’s Thursday, but not just any Thursday – Its Rawdog’s birthday today!  Happy Birthday and #JewDragons to you my furry little friend.  Well, I guess his birthday wish came true, and it was to take the day off cause we had a Best Of today!  It was either due to that, or cause Ellis is sick again, either got the Aids or the gay, kinda hard to tell really.  So no Ellis Rawdog or Tully today, just whatever Backbone has thrown together for us.  Kinda got take what you can get on a day like this, or like when I’m blacked out drunk, vomit over my freshly knitted sweater, and just gotta get this nut off – so take what I can get…….your Grandmama, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/30/2013

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It’s just a Wednesday, and I was on a conference call for the first couple of minutes of the show but I gathered there were some sort of poo smell that very well could be Donald Schultz droppings. That dude spends so much time with animals he is assimilating into their way of life, the nasty, racist bastard. Ellis wants to do a show for the oil miners of Canada. That could be a D!D!D! concert, a live show at a strip club or a presidential-style bus tour. They eventually decided a D!D!D! live show at a strip club so that you’d have something else to look at besides some sweaty dudes, unless you’re gay, then get front row and grab some package.  I’d personally love to see Jason kissing all of those mud babies for photo-ops.

Kangaroos have 3 vaginas and no you cannot fuck them because male kangaroos have very mobile testicles that sit on top of the penis and you can’t compete with that. Zoos are sad, or awesome depending on who you ask. Tully and Jason say that Zoos are better for the animals so they don’t have to worry about getting eaten or hunting every day. Also, if you don’t have an elephant in your zoo, it’s not a zoo, you are an animal hoarder and kinda creepy you sick bastard. Rawdog, of course, took the opposition saying kids tease and bully the animals in the cages. Guess what? Rawdog is wrong, and some guy who works at a zoo called in and verbally gaped him saying he could teach an elephant to ride a bike faster than Rawdog. However if you see a sad monkey in the zoo you are legally obligated to either give him a handjob through the bars or kidnap him and see how far you can get before he rips your arms off.

Please sir, just touch it.

Rawdog went on a second date with nerdy chick, so apparently the restraining order hasn’t been approved yet. He’s into her, but he’s not so sure how she feels, but she very well could be thinking the same thing. They didn’t kiss, but on the next date Rawdog’s going to pull the old “Drop my keys and jam my fist up your snatch” routine, which works 100% of the time. If you do it right, you can pull every bit of air out of her body at once and she will fall in love on the spot. Heed my warning though, if she tells you she had a premonition about you throwing a 12-6 into her box before you did it, leave her ass because that bitch is a moron.

gangnam

Also relevant

Also relevant

Next up, it was Cumtard vs. Ellis in a no holds barred, extreme quiz show battle: Super Bowl edition! It consisted of exactly one question: Name a team that is in the Super Bowl this year. This went on for a half an hour, where we found out that Peyton Manning plays for the New Jersey Giants, Chicago has no football team and a fat black guy with corn rows played for the Niners. All in all, it was pretty damned entertaining listening to how little each of them knew about football, and Kevin got punched a lot so there was that.

Some chick in Russia is getting married to a tattoo artist she has known for a month and he is tattooing his When your Mom asked if I would tattoo my name on her face I just stabbed her cheeks with your Dad’s micro dick a thousand times. You shouldn’t take deer antler extract after a workout, take Vermax for your dick instead! Some British nursing home is getting in trouble for bringing in prostitutes to bang the old people. I say it’s way better than letting the old people bang each other and spreading syphillis and WW2-era herpes around.And it saves tons of money on all the vaseline they have to use trying to prevent that loose skin from tangling up in each others. In fact, go get your grandmother a prostitute right now you heartless prick!

old lady

Say, has anyone ever told you pornstars like to be choked and get fucked real hard? Well if you hadn’t heard the news, Mia Isabella and Nikki Delano came in for the last hour and a half of show to tell you about it. I sort of drifted in and out, but in between talking about getting pounded on camera by bodybuilders or some shit, they played a game where Kevin got his box fisted! This was actually a pretty funny bit, where Cumtard was blindfoled and the two girls had to reach into the box his genitals were in give him a little tug  to see which hand he liked better. Mia pulled out some helicopter action and he giggled like a Japanese girl on a Harley. In the end, he picked Mia as the best hand jiver (Ya don’t say) furthering the theory that Kevin is going to fall in love with a tranny and it’s going to be just like Sleepless in Seattle. Or Philadelphia.

Hollywood news would pretty much take us to final calls and basically all you need to know is: Frank Ocean beat up Chris Brown’s bodyguard, Rampage says he broke up with the UFC not the UFC breaking up with him (therefore winning, despite losing), Lindsay Lohan is a chain smoking drunken whore and some asshole NFL player hates gay people. That Tuiasasopo guy totally wanted to bang Manti Te’o for real though, but he shouldn’t have created a fake girl to tell him his feelings. He should have walked up to him at the Luau, wrapped a lei around his and Te’o’s neck and said “I totally want to be inside you, Bro.” That was pretty much the show, I’ll leave you with one piece of medical advice before I go: If you fart out of your dick every time you blow a load, that a’int normal, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/29/2013

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So you say you like romantic movies?

So you say you like romantic movies?

It’s Tuesday and your mom’s gash is still just a fucking mess, when is she gonna get that crooked shit straightened out, man? Whatever, it’s not like I care, I was just wondering. Chopper Read was pretty much an asshole, but a glorified asshole – at least in Australia, also he has no ears. Jude came in stuntin’ with a new glorious scarf, talking about how he does movie reviews with B-Real. Ellis feels like everyone is mad at him for having a Porsche, like he’s a rich snob or something, and Jude glaring at him while ranting about how people come from all over to help feed the homeless, then leave to go back to their mansions, and Jude’s left with a homeless dude shitting in front of his house. Jude’s into romance movies, so picture this – Jude getting dusted on K and trying to watch Sleepless In Seattle. According to Tully, Paul Newman is a million times cooler than Robert “Ball Bag” Redford, he’s the Garfunkel of Simon and Garfunkel. Tully also admitted to us that he cried at the end of the movie For The Love of the Game with Kevin Costner, and Rawdog admitted he cried watching Field of Dreams, also with Kevin Costner.

Gangster's, rappers, gangster rappers, and kitties. All of them, above the law.

Gangster’s, rappers, gangster rappers, and kitties. All of them, above the law.

Hollywood news time, some guy says he has a photo of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger performing a sex act – and then the 1 person who cares threw up. Ellis thinks one of his neighbors was filming him having sex in his pool, or maybe not, but either way he’ll sue his ass if it leaks out. Rick Ross was the victim of a drive-by shooting yesterday, 50 Cent joined Dingo when he speculated that Rick Ross staged the incident, because none of the bullets that were supposedly fired at him actually hit his car. Daughter of Tammy Knickerbocker from Real Housewives of Orange County, allegedly rammed several parked cars and punched a cop. Lindsay Lohan says she’s too ill to fly and therefore can’t show up to court, but she was photographed out shopping and smoking. You know that whole Chris Brown / Frank Ocean fight thing? Yea, from surveillance footage, neither one actually threw a punch, it was just their posses going at it. Justin Bieber grabbed the titty of one of his fans at a meet-n-greet, TJES groping expert, Will Pendarvis, confirmed it looked like a boob grab but questioned the fans age. Guess who has a moat around their virtual castle, that’s right, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, and nobody really knows why – but it’s there. Whitney Houston’s brother says he introduced her to crack, not Bobby Brown, and the entire world is clamoring to explain to him that he might not want to go around bragging about it.

Jesus is such a prankster, after all, Backstreet Boys exist.

Jesus is such a prankster, after all, Backstreet Boys exist.

Can the show summon Jesus? It doesn’t seem that way, as Jesus did not appear or even call into the show. Tully’s motherfuckin’ baby has been keeping his ass up all night long, so he’s got video of his wife singing songs and shit that he plays for the little motherfucker to try and get him to sleep. Aren’t those little motherfuckers cute when they’re sleeping? AJ McLean and his airbrushed fingernails (no Lee Press-On Nails for that man) came into the studio to help save our asses from another NMT with Rawdog. He’s making jewelry and women’s lingerie now, which coupled with his fingernail art, and his man-crush on Ryan Reynolds might lead one to question his sexual orientation, but make no mistake – he’s married. He talked about kissing Britney Spears on a basketball court when he was 13 and some other stuff, and then Rawdog got his little Jew claws on the reigns and took over with NMT, no matter what AJ did to try and stop it. After that, we got to make up potential death metal band names for AJ and Ellis, none were mentioned much less acknowledged except the ones AJ made up, so that was pretty neat. Just about as neat as when your dad stuck his dick in a vice and let the neighbor shit on it. OH!