Here we are again folks! It feels like it’s been god damn near forever since you and I got to sit down for some magical creepy relative story time about shit you really wish you could unhear, BUT I’M BACK MOTHAFUCKAAAAA AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And y’know who else is back>? My favorite afternoon radio personality, Jason Ellis. And oh, the stories he and the boys have for us today. The show started this afternoon with a little Velvet Underground, in tribute to our fallen friend Lou Reed (just this one time, I won’t make an “I AM THE TABLE!!!” joke about that whole LouTallica debacle, cause he’s dead and that would be fucked up. Gotta wait for the corpse to cool off a little bit) and then a bit of DAVID LEE ROTH REMINDING US THAT SOMETIMES YOU GET A FUCKING SWEET VACATION IN PANAMA IF YOU FUCKING WORK YOUR BALLS OFF FOR IT and then the guys actually started talking. Ellis was immediately impressed with how well the microphones were working, like maybe someone had cleaned them while they were away. It was a feeling very similar to a freshly shaven asshole, as he put it. One thing Jason liked the most about being on vacation was not having to put up with the god damn internet and all the annoying bullshit that comes along with it, but of course there was a rash of Instagram photos like a herpes outbreak as soon as the plane landed. Most of his gripe with the internet is that it’s hard to be negative on twitter when everyone expects you to be such a motivator, but if he were to follow me he would have no problem firing off fifty c-bombs then going silent for a weekend then coming back to it on Monday with a fresh perspective on why humanity is fucked and why that’s OK. Tully has gotten this down to a science that basically states that the more happy you are online, the more of a basket case you are when you don’t have a screen in front of you. Which begs the question, how fucked in the head is Duane “The Rock” Johnson? Rawdog gave us the details of his time off, he went to San Francisco with Karla because she’d never been and they did all the touristy shite that makes all the locals wish that tourists would fucking die slow horrible deaths. And of course when he mentioned how popular the Golden Gate Bridge is for plummeting to one’s own death, the guys started talking suicide and how ridiculous it is that almost everybody immediately says to themselves “FUCK, I shouldn’t have done that” as soon as they jump. Then of course it got darker and they started tossing around ideas on the best way to take yourself out and landed at good old heroin, cause it’s how all the rock stars go out and they always seem to have no more pain after banging a freezer bag full of black tar smack up their veins. Jason said that if he was gonna opt out, he would want to drive a Lamborghini off a cliff, and if there’s some heroin mixed in with the whole errand, well then good on ya. Rawdog told Jason about the low rent hotel that he had to stay at cause that’s what he could afford, which prompted Jason to let us know THAT THE NEW DEATH!DEATH!DIE! ALBUM IS DONE AND WILL BE AVAILABLE SOON! That’s what’s really important, not Josh’s bank account. And none of the songs on it are gonna be the kind of club hits that are gonna be on repeat eleven times in an hour on the dance floor like Niggas in Paris or Walkin’ on Sunshine, it’s gonna be real, authentic music with instruments and everything. Tully was next to give us a rundown on his vacation, but not before calling in Wilson to interrogate him on how he shaved his beard and whether or not there was any sub-par butt judging during their time off. Pendarvis basically just worked on sorting out all the finer things that haven’t been finished up since they moved in to the new studio, but he also got called in for jury duty on a pretty legit assault case involving some Armenian on Armenian violence that did not culminate in a new System Of A Down album. So, back to Tully, while the guys were away, Tully got approved for a new apartment for himself and his geisha and McGook baby. He also went to Cabo and got to wander around in the sun with his freshly toned form after completing the Onnit look good naked challenge. Also, thanks to the workout, Mike T. was able to stroll through the resort and absolutely despise the way everybody else looked because Americans are fat lazy mother fuckers, not counting the one lady who was about 7 months pregnant, she was at least kinda fuckable. Just one more reason, folks, one more reason to get the fuck up and move around a few minutes every day before your knees fall apart and you get tennis elbow from aggressively changing channels, that one reason is that Mike Tully thinks you’re a fuck ugly mook, and I support this belief. But aside from a crowd that looked like a jar of smashed asses, the rest of the vacation sounded like a pretty nice time the way he told it, and there were some really classic white trash t-shirts on every other few people. And the food was respectable and Linsanity got his own kiddie pool most of the time, so everybody got the best they could have hoped for. And when the Tully family got back to the U.S. they went to a pumpkin patch where they ran into Rambo, Glenn Danzig, Usher, Fred Durst, Dave “The Snake” Sabo, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Madden Brothers, MacGuyver, and (these ones are factual not just a joke) Tom Morello and Johnny Knoxville! Lets ponder all that for a bit while Danzig sings us sweet Satanic lullabies…
So, we return to the show now with a bit of the best news we can get, Jews News! Recently, the Hassidic Yeshiva of a famous Jewish school has banned the students from any soy based foods because it may promote gay sex. And I’ll tell you from experience, nothing makes me want a 10 inch cock more than a dash of soy milk in my coffee, especially the stuff from the bottom of the carton cause it’s got the same consistency as all that wonderful cock snot that I’m gonna be working for in the time that I spend waiting for my veggie burger to thaw out. But apparently this guy making weird homophobic rules isn’t new, because a while ago he tried to get same sex handshakes banned cause that’s how patient zero got infected with the queer, and we all know that’s true cause we’ve seen video of it, just like 9/11. It just makes you wonder though, who takes it upon themselves to become so gay that they think they know what the rights of gays should and shouldn’t be? Cause really, to be that preoccupied with what gay people are doing, you just have to be so incredibly fabulously gay that your interior design diploma is laminated and framed in pink plastic. Jason had an interesting talk with some cops about politics and Piers Morgan while they were searching his bag and it turns out that cops will still make you feel like an asshole even while they’re in the middle of making you feel like they’re your buddy. Jason also did some talking about his vacation in PAAAANNNAAAAMMAAAAA DUNT DANT!! DUNT DAANNAAANNTT DANNNNAAANNTTT!! First the plane got delayed out of LAX for like six hours and then there was another flight delay in Panama city and Ellis started getting sick along the way and it was overall a pretty rocky start, but it smoothed out and after powering through the stress cold there was some touring of a bat cave (unfortunately Christian Bale was not available, but Michael Keaton did make an appearance), and some drinking and boat rides and shitty south American dirt weed and alligators and sandy beaches and sketchy drug stores that won’t sell codeine over the counter but you can fill up on Cialis all day and night. One strange thing he noted was that the closer he is to the Caribbean, his boner started working overtime for absolutely no clear reason at all, which might explain why people in the south keep breeding like gerbils but the Japanese have all but sworn off sex as a country. There was also lots of good bonding time with Katie and the two of them are pretty much a power couple at this point, on whatever level of a power couple you can be when you work in radio. Also while Ellis was relaxing, he got a pen and paper and drew up fantastic plans for a new event called EllisManiaCross, a cross-collaboration of moto, football, skating, fire hoses, probably porn cause why the hell not, boxing, and just about every physical challenge there is all together to make one incredible race. It sounds like something I would volunteer for too, even though I’ve never ridden a dirtbike and I flunked every P.E. class I ever took and the last physical challenge I was a part of ended in me smoking a joint full of hair in front of a few thousand people. There was more talk of how sweet it is to be free from distraction and how the tropics are way more peaceful especially with bottle service and how it’s a pretty good feeling when you catch a guy checking out your girlfriend and you shoot him that look that says “Yep, I’m tapping that, but it’s cool if you go back to your room and snap one off thinking about it.” All in all the vacation was good and refreshing and has given Jason a new lease on life, the universe and PatriotGuard.org, as well as not fighting anymore cause the bridge is kind of over for that whole experience, but it’s still great for fitness so there’s gonna be that stuff to hear about. In the meantime, it’s Britney, bitch.
Speaking of Britney, some crazy fuck got isolated audio of a live performance and she can’t reproduce results quite as well outside of the studio. Granted, it’s way more of a workout with all the dancing added, but even a certain amount of natural talent should shine through that. If you were listening to it, you’d think it was an episode of World’s greatest karaoke failures or something. Proof once again that pop stars are a god damn lie and some people should have thrown in the towel a long time ago. BREAKING NEWS courtesy of Wilson Pendarvis, but it’s not actually breaking news it’s just Will coming in the studio and sitting down. The real news is that with the new studio has a system where you can talk to the on air talent without having to run into the studio but Will refuses to use it because then he would risk irrelevancy. But the guys did kick around the idea of how backing tracks should be used in live performances, and whether Death!Death!Die! could make good use of a boys choir on Cunt Kicker. And if you cut your balls off do you think that could get you at east one platinum album? The boys turned to the phones for the first time in the show and like most times, it reminded me why I need a job where I don’t deal with people cause sooner or later, I’ll meet one of the callers, and I will murder them. And people, if you’re gonna be a musician steer clear of the woodwinds cause nobody will fuck you. That’s right, NOBODY will fuck you, not even for money, or crack cocaine. And while we’re on the topic of music it’s NEW MUSIC TUESDAY WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO AFTER TWO WEEKS WITHOUT IT BUT FUCK ME RIGHT IF I HATED IT THAT MUCH I CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!! Seriously though, I don’t hate Rawdog for this segment, I hate new music. Let’s hear more about things I hate, shall we? First one down the pipe was the new Motorhead single and as much as I like pretty much anything Lemmy does, I’m not much of a blues guy, so this one kind of flew over my head. After that was Katy Perry’s newest and if you ever catch your daughter filming herself getting gangbanged by a college rugby team, go right on ahead and thank Katy Perry for the soundtrack. Next up we got a taste of Arayan (spell check that with a load of my jizz all over your stomach) and for a Queen throwback type of sound, it was not so terrible. One Direction dropped a new single called story of my life, and I might actually like it if in the middle of the second verse, Mike Ness and the boys broke in and kicked the shit out of them and started playing Story of my life in a style and format that a person with some god damn soul might actually want to hear. Next we heard Skye Ferrara regurgitating the same kind of shit you might hear on a laptop commercial while they’re telling you about all the cool music editing capabilities it has. After that we found out that Linkin Park just dropped a remix album, and it’s not remixes of Stone Temple Pilots it’s actually their own work, and while I’m not huge on Linkin Park they’ve brought yet another level to their style that the fans are sure to appreciate. DJ Rashad was the next one we heard and like most DJ’s in his genre, if you’re not trying to score coke and Adderall at an art gallery opening, there’s no reason to be listening to it. Next we got to listen to one of my favorites, Bad Religion, off of their Christmas album, and the proceeds from this album are going to SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (no joke, Greg Graffin is still the fucking man thirty plus years into the game). And I’m sure we were all surprised to hear that Avril Lavine has a new song featuring Chad Kroeger cause they’re both so gay and lame for each other it’s sickening and like most everything either of them has ever done, I’d like it sent back to a part of Canada where it can be buried and never exhumed. After that was the newest from Metal Church and if we’re talking undiscovered local metal bands these guys started off pretty solid and then kind of lost it with the vocals, but they didn’t go all cookie monster so it may be worth checking out more of them. Kalela (again, spell check, jism, all over yourself) dropped a song that was as remarkably forgettable as the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Next up was a special jab at Tully’s hatred of the band Live, because their singer Ed Kowalczyk has a solo album and if this is all that’s left of nineties rock, well then it needs to die and never be mentioned again cause WE AIN’T GOIN’ OUT LIKE THAT, BIOTCH!!! Personally, I kind of liked Live, but this shit is unacceptable. After that was a new track from Skeletonwitch, and if you like getting your kidneys stomped in the pit this is the perfect music for it. Last but not least was the new one by the Arcade Fire and like most indie hipster shit it made me want to take a short ride north on Telegraph avenue, just past little Korea town, and hunt down every fixie riding, scarf wearing, horn rim glasses sporting mother fucker and crush their fucking head with a brick. And now that that’s over, lets all take a few minutes to contemplate getting pumped full of heroin and driving a Lamborghini off a cliff.
Tully was really excited to find out that while he was on vacation, a guy who was part of a Mexican drug cartel got murdered by hitmen dressed as clowns! And if there’s one thing that shitty horror movies from the late 70’s/early 80’s have taught me, it’s that clowns are not ever to be trusted. Hell, they were probably behind 9/11, but I’d have to watch the video again to be sure. Rawdog accidentally admitted that at UC Santa Cruz there were a few clowning classes, and Tully surely gave him the same kind of look that J. Edgar Hoover must have given himself every time he looked in the mirror and found himself wearing a dress and feeling fantastic about it. The guys turned to the phones for a bit to field some questions and comments from the general public, such as what’s next in metal, and what supplements you should use if you’re allergic to caffeine, and whether or not people in Alberta are really working in the oil fields or if they just live in holes and skateboard a few months a year when there’s no hockey on TV. Some guy called in to try and defend UC Santa Cruz and got immediately hung up on, and as someone who’s been to Santa Cruz, it’s great if you’ve got career aspirations in pot smoking but if it got washed away by a tsunami everyone would just go out and rent The Lost Boys to remember what it looked like and then never think of it again. Music started playing spontaneously during phone calls and oddly enough it was that Avril/Kroeger song that we were all cumming on just a few minutes ago. Ah, it wouldn’t be the Jason Ellis show without technical difficulties from time to time. Some guy tried to throw down the gauntlet between Ellis and Henry Rollins and apparently he missed that whole thing earlier about how there’s not gonna be any more random fights with people anymore.
When I was but a wee lad, there was a man who used to come to my mom’s house every Friday afternoon. He always left just as dinner time rolled around and left a hundred dollar bill on the table on his way out. One night I asked him if he was going to stay and eat with us and he said “Kid, I would never eat out a whore and I already paid a hundred bucks, I don’t have enough for a family show”
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
