Ssssssshhhhhhhhh… let’s not turn this rape into a murder…
Now that i have you’re attention, hello! And welcome to the Tuesday recap of the Jason Ellis show. My pancreas is tingling with anticipation. Today, the show kicked off with talk about how thinking is good but you can overdose on it. Especially when you’re a really emotional person and you’ve got a therapist teaching you how to focus your thoughts and all that new age shite. Most of what’s been bugging the Wing lately is some stuff he’s been kind of irresponsible about. Didn’t go into much detail, but if you know him you can take all the guesses you’d like. It was all very melancholy and sounds like Jason may be running himself ragged as he’s known to do from time to time. It’s all due to the fact that he’s constantly got a fight going on in his head over how legit some of his problems are and how much his own mind is making it all seem bigger than it really is (this is all according to Rawdog’s professional psychiatric analysis, and we all know what an expert he is on everything, but this time he sort of actually nailed it). Tully has experienced the same set of feelings and luckily has a super Asian for a wife who explained it all to him. At this point, WILSON decided to kill the mood by highlighting the fact that ARTIE FUCKING LANGE came by to hang out for a while. Right off the bat, the interview started strong and was hilarious as even Artie pointed out that Will is extremely weird to work with even as just a guest, but it’s all those quirks that make him so lovable. The guys talked radio and comedy and all that kind of shit for a while. Artie has a radio show that also gets played on DirecTV and he’s been kicking ass on that for a while. There was some talk about Artie’s health woes and how fun drugs are if you work in show business cause it’s pretty much the only industry other than politics that’ll welcome you back after a multiple year bender. Artie came clean that he and Will are both huge fans of gambling away way more than they should, after Artie told a story about making $140,000 doing standup in Vegas and promptly losing $80,000 of it at the tables and then a bunch more on hookers later that night. Champion, mother fuckers, champion. He explained how when you go to Vegas you can always find a ten thousand dollar hooker and sometimes it won’t be one of the regulars, but just some lady who needs a little extra to top off the rent check. Artie and Stern still talk every so often, but he’s not gonna be back on the Stern show anytime soon cause Howard loves him too much to let him self destruct again with all the hype and pressure. Artie still remembers the time Jason came to the Stern show and had his dick fondled by George Takei. There’s also another book from Artie that’s gonna be coming out soon, perfectly timed to be on sale around the same time as Ellis’ next literary masterpiece, so you can make one run to Barnes & Noble and get all kinds of filth and wisdom without making a second trip. Artie told stories about being in a psych ward and all the hilarity that comes with it, like the roommate who would shit his pants and flip out if anybody tried to help him clean it off, but he would gladly ask for a t-shirt to do it himself. He also spent some time after the psych ward at a resort psych ward and got himself thinking a little better then went to Miami to stay at a country club that also offered drug treatment. It worked pretty well cause he had time to write lots of new material and after his triumphant return to standup, he got the call from DirecTV to put his radio show on TV and BAM! Artie Lange all across your grille. There was more general jaw-jacking and bro-ing down between Ellis and Artie, and Artie is still a funny fucker so it worked really well. And in case you hadn’t heard, yes, Artie got his hooks in a sweet 29 year old and is gonna be getting out of the whoring game for good, cause 46 is too old to be chasing young impressionable women who only want you for a financial transaction (that wasn’t a stab at his fiance, I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady). Also, if you liked Beer League, there’s gonna be another Artie Lange production coming sometime soon, that should certainly trump Dirty Work by several thousand metric tonnes of quality. The guys shared stories and kicked around ideas on stuff for a while longer and it was great to hear everybody doing good this afternoon and Artie is coming back stronger than ever. Lots of funny stuff. Catch it on demand if this recap doesn’t cover enough of it for you, I’ll just go in my dark little corner and cut myself with my frozen tears, you ungrateful fucks.
If you’ve ever gotten pulled over and worried you were gonna get a cavity search, you probably made the grave mistake of clenching your ass cheeks together in fear of a ham fisted cop violating your shit locker. Well, it turns out that that can be grounds for internal reorganization if you live in New Mexico and the cops know which hospital they can take you to to get some crooked medical work done. In particular, this one guy got pulled over for rolling through a stop sign and ended up getting TWO rounds of hands on treatment and TWO medical grade colon flushes, only to reveal that he was not in fact carrying any drugs, he just didn’t step hard enough on the brakes and got a slight case of the jitters that caused him to squeeze his asshole while being harassed by some cops that surely had nothing better to do and wanted to get their jollies at someone else’s expense. And just as these sadistic fucking doctors prepped him for surgery and cut open that chili ring for a 100% thorough look, Attorneys all across the land both jumped for joy and cried tears of horrible defeat because all of this was done on a severely expired temporary search warrant. somehow this brought about the topic of race in movies and how Hollywood was way cooler about putting people in blackface in the 80’s than they would be today, but then again Django Unchained would have probably been put down as the most racist shit ever after Birth Of a Nation. And while we’re on the topic of race, Oakley is making a new line of sunglasses specifically designed to fit Asian people’s heads, and while they do have a certain amount of phlebotomist science to back the new design, it’s probably not something that’s gonna be in huge demand because up until now, nobody I’ve ever met has complained that they’re eyes were “too chinky” for a pair of sunglasses. The guys talked UFC for a bit, Jason is gonna be on the documentary for the 20th anniversary of the organization and if you were already gonna be watching it, then there’s one more face to look for in all the people interviewed about the sport and the phenomenon it has become. There’s also gonna be some new fights too, so get it the fuck up ya and watch a bunch of people beat the shit out of each other. There was some Japanese car TV show going on in the background while the guys were talking about the SEMA show. This reminded Ellis that Ricky Carmichael has some awesome newfangled machine on display there and that somebody on the show needs to start doing G.O.A.T. news, news about Ricky Carmichael, or goats. Ellis was contemplating actually going to SEMA this weekend, but can’t cause he’s going horseback riding with the family. Tully on the other hand, has no problem abandoning his child for a day to go ogle flashy pieces of go fast machinery in Las Vegas. There was more talk about riding horseback and taking up archery and bringing shit back to the days of the white man handing out typhoid blankets in exchange for large tracts of ill gotten land! And of course what more perfect segment to follow that up with than the world premiere of G.O.A.T. NEWS!!! Somewhere in DesMoines, Iowa, a goat got loose and after running across the freeway, wandered into a car dealership and needed a tranquilizer dart in the ass to be brought back to justice, or at the very least, his owner’s house. Around this time, Jason got distracted by an adorable sea otter on the TV and the guys had a nice nature moment watching these noble sea mammals doing their normal day to day routine. And what better way to shatter your perception of reality than to learn that sea otters are known to rape and drown baby seals, and fuck other sea otters so hard that they often kill their mate. Honey badgers of the sea, my friends, honey badgers of the mother fucking sea. Tully had a report in front of him regarding the ratings for the current season of The Ultimate Fighter and lately it hasn’t been doing as good as it has in the past. A lot of it was from when they switched channels, but also probably because to a certain extent people are losing interest in reality TV and other networks are shying away from showing MMA cause if the network can’t make a fuck ton of money off 6 hours of airtime for a game that’s only two and a half hours long, then all it would do is fuck up their profit margin to show a fight that could go 20 minutes, or be over in 3. The guys took some phone calls for a bit, some guy felt guilty for getting a lap dance cause he’s got a wife and kids and shit. Really, the only reason he sort of felt guilty is because the lap dance was good enough to cause a little bit of his soul (AKA jizz) to seep out. But at the core of it, if he would’ve old his wife and she said it was OK, he’d have no reason to feel bad, but he didn’t and now he’s gotta say so or else he’s gonna feel like a creepy asshole. Boone called in to suggest a way for the fans to interact with the show, but like a real way not calling in or chatting with Ellis when he goes live and asks for feedback from the fans. The phone call prompted the idea for a new segment called “Name dropping with the fans” where people can call in and be Sam Rubin for a couple minutes. Rawdog started by telling us about how he met Matt Stone and Trey Parker while his dad was recording something for the first set of South Park DVDs. Tully one-upped that one when he told us how he met Lou Diamond Phillips, just out on the street. Somebody tried to call in and say they met Fred Durst, but that shit doesn’t count cause he’s basically a canned ham with a red baseball cap. But that’s not important right now, cause it’s break time yet again and sometimes music is nice to break things up.
You may remember a little while back that there were rumors of the mayor of Toronto smoking crack. Well… they’re totally true. He just came out and copped to it. Then he shouted “T-DOT, BITCHES!” and dropped the mic. And then Swollen Members said they won’t be supporting is reelection on their next tour, what with Madchild’s new life outlook on staying away from drugs. And then Marion Barry flew up to Toronto to give him a quick fist bump and there was a very shifty looking handshake/bro-hug thing that happened right after. But hey, at least it’s not like he’s a repeat drunk and a fat son of a bitch who might be known for texting and driving! Am I right guys? You’d vote him in again. It’s not like he’d be any worse than most every other shady rapist looking mother fucker that runs for office. Hell, the Hamburglar would probably be a better candidate for most elected positions than some of the repeat offending white collar organ trafficking pro-NAMBLA pieces of shit we’ve had to vote for the last few runs round the track. But hey, that shit is water under someone else’s bridge cause right now we need to go back to the phones and hear about all the celebrity run-ins the fans have had. The first guy said he met Rooftop Escamilla, cause there’s no way Jason could have ever met an action sports athlete. Next was a dude who got invited to Jesse James house after he built him a custom pair of headlights for some project he was building, and he got to hang out with the guy for a couple hours, but he didn’t even offer him a sandwich or a beer or anything. NOT EVEN A FUCKING RED BULL!!! The next guy who called in said he met the one and only Brock “Cock Chest” Lesnar at his brother’s restaurant where they give you your own steak to cook yourself (cause that’s top notch service, going to someone else’s place to cook your own food and pay them to do it). Next was a young lady who, much like Tully, hung out with Lou Diamond Phillips, only this time it was at a Yo-Gabba-Gabba concert, and Lou is a pretty good dude all around. Some guy called in to talk about meeting Bam Margera like Jason couldn’t possibly have ever gotten to rub shoulders with him before. Some guy called in to say he met Green Day, but he can smoke a bag of dicks because I’ve seen Billy Joe’s son’s band and they’re the kids you hated at your high school, but the talent has certainly not been lost in the next generation. The next call that came in was from a guy who met the one and only Kareem Abdul Jabar back when he was a youngster and Kareem was too tall to properly use the bathroom in the mini motel that his uncle owned and he shat all over the wall. There were calls about Bill Paxton, Jeanne Triplehorn (who is allegedly a cunt), Dogg the Bounty Hunter (who may have irritable bowel syndrome), Wee Man, Michael Phelps (who wouldn’t let a handicapped kid use the same public bathroom as him cause that toilet is too good for his shit), Seal (yeah, that Seal) who was cool enough to share a sandwich with a random dude on a ski lift and make porn recommendations, Bruce Willis (who doesn’t know how to gamble but is friendly as hell), Dave Chapelle, Dimebag Darryl, Afroman, Mickey Mantle (who would even shake down a 6 year old for $50 to get an autograph), Shannon Doherty (who cussed out a waiter cause he wouldn’t give her a discount, like the bitch she has always been known to be), Jimmy Fallon, Dexter Holland from the Offspring (who’s been known to have a shitty band and be high on himself like the mayor of Toronto on a $20 rock), Bruce Willis again, Demi Moore, Papa John Schnatter (who tried to fight a guy at a NASCAR race and would have asked his bodyguard to help), Rick Flair, Papa John again (only this time he’s handing out gift cards at the Kentucky Derby), Kid Rock (who still has a little toot every so often), Michael Phelps again (who might have stole/borrowed a super bowl trophy and took a bunch of guys at a restaurant out drinking with Ray Lewis), The Olsen Twins (cause we all still want to fuck them, no matter how evil they are), one more for Papa John (not from somebody who met him, but he’s part of the anti-gay movement), and last but not least, Michael Keaton, who would be awesome as the new Prime Minister of Australia reprising his two most famous roles as Batman and Beetlejuice. Tully found a news story about Richard Simmons who went to a restaurant with 12 friends and no reservation and demanded a table, and after he was seated with his group, he got up on the table and started dancing like a shit head. After the meal, he tried to get out of paying the bill cause FUCK YOU I’M RICHARD SIMMONS. Of course this was after another excursion where him and his friends skipped out on the bar tab at a club the night before. There were more calls about celebrity encounters, like Liam Neeson, Kal Penn, Sergeant Slaughter, Joanna Angel (this mention was from a tweet that I posted about how I met her at a tattoo convention and got her to sign my copy of The Woodsman), Pierce Brosnan, and then the Beatles started playing by accident and we just called it a break cause fuck it why not?
Some metal band has finally come out and said that they are all Beleibers, and that band is Metallica. And deep down, I have to think they’re doing this as a ploy to try and convince him to come to a show and be RIPPED TO FUCKING SHREDS LIKE A PACK OF WOLVES FIGHTING OVER A DEAD ELK!!! But that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. And in case you all forgot what day it is, it’s New Music Tuesday and that means I get to write the most hateful music reviews you’ve ever fucking seen! First up is Eminem’s new one, and I’ve always liked his work and this one was no exception, except that I really don’t care what Rhianna does and she had a guest spot on this track. Then we heard Celine Dion reminding us why even the Canadians hate the French. Next up was Scott Stapp just making sure that Christian rock is never gonna be mainstream cause the shit is just that fucking terrible. After that was he newest from The Melvins and if you like sludgy old punk, these are a few of the guys who are doing all they can to keep it alive. There was a new one from Tech-9 and while I never got that into him, it was a half decent track from what I heard and could be worth checking out the rest of the album for something better. Next was a new one from James Ferraro and with a market massively saturated by abstract R&B indie shit heads, I would like to request that we get a few pop star assassinations in the works to try and thin the herd out a little bit. Stryper dropped a new record and it was a tasty throwback to the days of lead breaks and riffs that usually required a lot of hair metal, only this time with a Christian edge that made Scott Stapp look like a BITCH. Next was a new one from Future and it featured Miley Cyrus and autotune, which are two musical devices that I could not possibly hate any more than I already do unless I caught them raping my mother. After that was the latest from B-Real and the weed has not slowed him down one bit, unlike so many others. Next up was Protest The Hero being all super new metal and shitting all over a craft that used to take years of suffering to perfect, but now only requires two distortion pedals and a lead singer with no real talent. James Blunt had a new one and if he was trying to one-up his last one he should have gone off and overdosed five years ago, cause one-upping “You’re Beautiful” wouldn’t have taken shit other than changing your style to something worth listening to. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the new one from M.I.A. and if you like somebody making shitloads of cash off convincing hipsters that this is “world music” and fleecing their college funds of money that would otherwise be spent on vintage cameras and cocaine, then you should get this album. The guys did a few Wolfknives names and took some final calls, and all was right in the world of people being idiots when required to respond to outside stimulus while using a telephone.
Back in my day, I remember that every Christmas, dad would come home and have everyone sit down for a nice family dinner before sending us kids to bed to wait for Santa Claus. One year though, I woke up to use the bathroom and found some big fat fucker in a red suit getting a hummer in the living room from the old man. When I asked what was going on my dad pulled back, let loose a mouthful of jizm and said “You kids are rotten little shits all year round, if you want that new bike you asked for you better turn around and forget what you saw tonight”
Red Dragons, Mother fuckers ,,rr,
