If a dick gets hard in the forest and no one’s there to jerk it, will it still shoot a load? Better question, where did this stand-alone dick with no person attached to it come from? These are the questions you probably never asked without severe chemical influences, but this shit plagues me daily. However, I do have a nice four hour distraction in the afternoon that keeps me from going crazy, and it’s just about to start. Let me tell you all about it, so today, Jason started the show by playing all nine minutes of Money for Nothing, the song that won Greatest Riff, and we all got to watch some 8-bit 3D animation in our heads for a while remembering when that shit was high tech (If you’ve never seen the video, you need to go youtube that shit right now). Then, Jason started talking about how people are all different, but we can all get to be better people by working the shit out of your body. Hopefully, I phrased that pretty well and didn’t just accidentally tell everyone to go overdose on laxatives. Ellis is really happy that he’s back to training again. Then he started talking about that show “Taboo” and how fucked up some people are, which is totally true. But this brought up that Jason is feeling a lot smarter and faster and stronger now that he’s pumped full of supplements from Onnit.com, so go get some up ya and tell me how it works out. Then Jason got a text message from Phoenix Askani, one of the many lovely ladies of BurningAngel.com who has graced the show before, asking him to change a flat tire. Not wanting to be a complete dick when people ask him for a hand, he decided to go help her out. Of course, he gets there way past his bedtime, she’s nowhere to be found just chilling in the fucking house, then some other RIDICULOUSLY hot girl comes by to tell Ellis to get out of her parking spot, and in a classic tale of “women, am I right?” she blocks Ellis in so that he can get out of her parking space easier. After all that, Ellis got to work changing the tire and felt MANLIER THAN A CAVEMAN SWINGING A BRONTOSAURUS BY THE DICK AGAINST A TYRANNOSAURUS REX AND WINNING!!! She thanked him, and he disappeared like a creepy tattooed batman or some shit. Rawdog got to trade parking spots with Ellis for the day, but Tully spotted him parking like he’s making a viral video for youtube. Then, he allegedly tried to run over JizzCult, but whatever, he’s used to people abusing him, he just shrugged that shit off with all his shiny shinned glory. Of course the rest of the guys had to rip into Rawdog relentlessly for how bad he is at parking and the dog did everything possible to try and pass the buck. This prompted the idea that they should put internet and cameras in the car to watch Rawdog while he drives. Somehow this got the guys talking about what the best time of day is to eat Lucky charms. Rawdog says it has to be at breakfast time, cause that’s the only time of day you add milk to things, Ellis and Tully said it’s whenever the fuck you want cause you’re an adult god dammit or whenever you’re too high to cook. Ellis is liking his new training so much that while he’s on vacation next week, he’s gonna try and become Brazilian. Cause, y’know, then it would be official that he’s a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu specialist. Plus they got great asses, and we all know that Ellis has a slightly malformed ass from years of skateboard injuries. Some guy called in about Jiu Jitsu because he works at a prison and when shit gets out of line all the guards are able to handle it cause the criminals are all boxers and have no ground game. A couple other cops called in to talk about how MMA works well in law enforcement. Criminals apparently can’t fight for shit and even with a belt full of equipment it’s totally possible to get somebody in an armbar or kick them in the head if you know what you’re doing. Some guy called in to talk about being a firefighter and training in MMA, but it doesn’t have the same effect on fire as it does on people. But the same guy had to fight a guy who was on bath salts and was able to get a hold on him so he couldn’t eat anybody’s face, so it’s not all bad I guess. The man is trying to lower the legal blood alcohol limit for people who get stopped for DUI, and it’s not the most unreasonable level they’re trying to drop it to. And considering how fucktarded most members of the public are, somehow when you put them behind the wheel of a 3000 pound weapon their IQ drops another 15 points. Probably best not to add alcohol to that mixture. Canada is ahead of the curve, they already dropped the legal limit lower than it is here in America. They’ll also impound your shit for a certain amount of time, depending how high of a reading you blow. Unfortunately, the drivers test to get a license in the first place doesn’t cover enough to account for the fact that the herd is getting dumber by the minute, so my advice is put a roll cage in it and pucker your asshole real tight before you go driving. Of course, your best bet is to go back to the days of horses, cause you can’t get caught for driving drunk if you’re riding a horse. Unless you’re like Rawdog and you get so drunk you decide to feed booze to your horse. Tully does think it might be possible that road rage will get ten times worse if a dickhead in a new Fiat cuts you off and the horse gets a boner for vengeance. It would be awesome to see someone get horse kicked through a car window though, raining broken glass and a steel point to the side of the head, that’s way more dangerous than when you piss off a hipster and they throw a bike lock through the window. Rawdog was having computer trouble, so the guys decided to take a breather and let him sort out his massively inflamed vagina. Then we heard some Pink Floyd, wich I can personally never stop being sick of, but that’s only because I lived with hippies for a little while. Seriously though, if you ever put on a String Cheese Incident CD at my house, I’ll throw you off the fucking balcony and drop the People’s Elbow on your dick. #TeamBringIt
So in England, some soccer hooligan from Newcastle was pissed about his team losing and this asshole fucking went up and punched a horse, and the cops pounded his liver with truncheons like they were trying to make Haggis. Now, I understand that soccer hooligans are usually drunken assholes no matter what the circumstance, but you gotta be a dumb mother fucker to punch a horse, A POLICE HORSE NO LESS, and think you’re gonna get away with it. Some massage therapist lady stopped by to help Ellis with his pinched nerve and get her name out on the air for a little free publicity. According to Ellis she smelled like coconut and needs to get back in to moto but it’s cool that she surfs. So Ellis got a massage on air and it was a little creepy just for the fact there was a holster of stuff the masseuse had to put on first, it almost felt like a dom/sub session, but it seemed to do the trick. And then there was HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! First up, of course we had to hear about how Angelina Jolie had her tits removed and replaced with suitable aftermarket parts because she found out she has a really high risk for breast cancer, and wants to stay around to be with her kids as long as possible, which is a totally fair reason to get your tits taken out. Somehow the guys got sidetracked at this point and started dissecting the plot of Superman 3 and how it might not have been the best decision Richard Pryor ever made, but definitely the best thing that ever happened to Christopher Reeve’s career. They made a lot of really good points about just what a convoluted piece of shit that movie was, like how there’s almost endless amounts of contradiction on every single point of the plot, and how evil Superman should have spray painted “Muska Kills” on the side of that oil tanker he punched a hole in, and how the evil super computer becomes self aware and wrecking shit, but just moments before it was running off a job site generator, but after that it takes the power of several cities just to stay running. And then there was that lady who’s body it invaded who started shooting lasers out of her fingers and shit. AND HOW THE FUCK IS SUPERMAN AN ALCOHOLIC IN PUBLIC AND NOBODY EVEN LOOKS TWICE!??!?!?! Anyways, back to Hollywood news, so Angelina Jolie got her tits removed, and we’re sad but there’s lots of titties in the world so hope is not lost. Jayden Smith, Will Smith’s son, has asked his dad for an emancipation for his fifteenth birthday, so stay tuned to TMZ for everything that’s about to go wrong for that kid. Then again, when Will told us about how he discipline’s his kids, and it is a pretty unique approach, maybe Jayden is going to be a champion of all humanity. The singer of Puddle of Mudd got picked up by the cops after he got spotted in public slapping up his wife, and I gotta believe that he’s about to find out what they do to wife beaters in jail. Holly Madison, one of the original “Girl’s Next Door” that was in the four way relationship with Hugh Hefner, is gonna marry some dude, but right after the announcement the GROOM to be was in court facing 13 years for embezzlement and fraud, way to pick ’em Holly! Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to be the star of a remake of The Toxic Avenger! Which just makes me want to avoid the movies more and more. Leonardo DiCaprio held a charity auction to save the tigers and raised about $39,000,000 so shout out to that guy. Justin Bieber played a concert in South Africa for mother’s day and the police spotted a bunch of guys pulling some classic Italian Job type shit and got away with some $300,000 from the safe at the venue. And finally, Beyonce missed some work and blamed it on “dehydration”, but there are rumors floating around that she’s pregnant again with another one of Jay-Z’s evil music mogul spawn. And then the dick punching machine came out after Rawdog had to drop the story about Nicholas Cage being a vampire, first shot got him in the stomach and the second shot was dead center on the cock. After that the guys took a break and we got some tasty eighties saxophone grooves from Bob Seger.
AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! Craig Emerson, a politician, sang and danced on TV during an interview about new taxes for industries that pollute too much. Only problem was, his voice is fucking terrible and he has absolutely no soul or timing. But on to bigger things, Big B stopped by to talk about his new album. He rode his motorcycle all the way to LA from San Francisco just to be on the show. I saw him live at EllisMania 7 and it was a great time. They talked about how T.J. Lavin could have done a lot of good for the X-Games if they would have just called him, but he’s a total sellout for being a non drinker and selling anti hangover pills. Tully let us know he’s a total alcoholic cause he would drink just to have a reason to take Forgiven and from time to time he uses a 20 dollar bill to get it down. Big B is occasionally known to get a little too much whiskey in him and start talking shit, and he’s got the scars to prove it. And this all led up to NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! And since most new music sucks and they have a real musician in studio, this ought to be good. First, Ellis said fuck no to some new country music, and I had a moment with him over the air, thanks Ellis. Big B got him to open his mind and give it a listen though, and it was just like everything I always hate in country music. Next we heard some more country and I revoked my moment with Jason because he didn’t use the dick punching machine on Rawdog again. After that was some prog-rock from Wolf People and it was very very hipsterish in all the ways that make me want to hunt anybody with a scarf and skinny jeans and a fixie bike. Up next we got a taste of Florida Georgia Line which was about as hard to listen to as the decapitation of a toddler with a hacksaw. After that came The Fall with a new album that was very noise punk, and pretty ridiculous and the kind of thing I sure as fuck wouldn’t pay to see. Next we heard some from Demi Lovato, and as much as I hate pop music it’s not nearly as bad as Demi Moore’s SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPEEER hairy bush from that early 80’s Playboy audition photo. Bobby McFarren came out with a new album of gospel covers done in a more bluesy style, respect for the craft and it sounded like it actually required some talent, but Sunday School hymns ain’t my cup of tea. Mindless Self Indulgence did a cover of The Logical Song on their new album, and if you’re into that kind of thing, you should go get it, but since I’m not a scene whore I can’t get into it. There’s a new record from Eve and it’s a little self indulgent, but you probably couldn’t do it yourself so why not toot your horn if you’ve got the skill to do it? After that we got to hear Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats and for a bunch of British people, they could have put a bit more in to the production, but all in all not the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Next up was Dillinger Escape Plan doing their typical modern super fast metal with the worst lead singer ever, but it kind of worked a little better than most of the cookie monster shit. Finally we got Rawdog’s pick of the week which was some more worthless shite from some obscure indie band called Vampire Weekend and it made me want to take a couple days off to go down to L.A. and rob Rawdog at gunpoint a few times when he’s out and about doing stuff. Y’know, just to put him in his place. The guys chatted with Big B a bit more about how all their mutual friends from Hart and Huntington are doing. A little more about bikes and riding and music and fighting and Instagram and bitches who tag their photos with #ModelLife. They took some phone calls about being too big for moto and being a rock star and all that shit. Then we got a run at the punch pad and Big B secured his spot tied up with Doug Benson, former intern Fruitler and Blasko. Update on the Apocalypse 6000, in case you were wondering, the guys at Divine One Customs that Ellis gave the truck to have fixed it all up and it’s purring like a walrus. Big B even drove it to 7-11 the other day. Big B accused the guys of having a rigged punch pad because of course the guys know technology and can rig up microprocessors for pressure readings whenever they like. The guys took another break and we got to hear someone yelling SURPRISE! You’re dead over a pretty tasty metal beat.
So, some guy in Illinois got shit hammered and fell on top of his mom, causing her to become trapped. She was stuck under her fat drunk worthless jobless unconscious shithead son for hours before anyone else in the house would call an ambulance, and she got a broken hip out of the whole deal. After hearing such a heart warming, life affirming story, of course we had to bring Dom in for some abuse. In particular, a brainstorming session to figure out which guests he should invite to the show. First suggestion was Jennifer Love-Hewitt, which the guys kind of had to nix because she probably wouldn’t get along well with the guys, despite having million dollar tits. Next suggestion Dom had was to bring a food truck in on Friday, and that got all the ears in the room perked up, especially when Ellis mentioned having Grill ‘Em All and the ice cream sandwich guys. Next idea Dom floated was Sophia Monk, I don’t know who that is but she got shot down. Dom threw the name Sugar Ray Leonard and they gave it a maybe. Some dude named Hector Alonzo whose name I don’t recognize also got shut down. J.J. Abrams came up next, but they think he may be a little too big time to actually come on the show. Adam Levine was suggested, and I would love to see the guys rip his butthole to shreds but it’s probably never going to happen. Heather Graham would probably be a good guest, so the guys kept that one on the table. Chris pine, the new Captain Kirk from the revamped Star Trek movies was another idea, but I don’t think that would fly. Hell, I haven’t even seen the newStar Trek movies and I don’t give a fuck what he has to say. Chris Tucker was suggested too, the guys would be totally down so long as he shows up. After that we got a few final calls and some more brainstorming about how the fuck a food truck is going to make an appearance on a radio show. I say just get a sledge hammer and bust a fucking wall out in that roach motel they broadcast from, then hang up a couple tarps before the rainy season comes. There was another appearance of my new favorite piece of technology, the dick punching machine, after Rawdog may or may not have said “banneded”. Now, i heard him say “…banned it’s…” while referring to a school that was prohibiting students from wearing thick glasses, because hipsters can get fucked with fenceposts covered in barbed wire. But, whatever, the real issue here is that I want a dick punching machine for my own personal use. I would wear that thing out in a couple days with some of the people I deal with. The guys argued with Dom a bit more over whether or not wine is an acceptable beverage. Sure, Ellis and Tully are standing behind the theory that wine is a fad and Dom sucks, much like a lot of the fans, but what they’re all forgetting is that the best wine comes in space bags and can be made into delicious ghetto Mimosas if you add Sprite and Tang powder. Mmmmmm it’s like flunking out of high school all over again. Rawdog accidentally admitted that he is known to listen to audio books from time to time, confirming that he does in fact have a vagina, and fellas, it’s flaring up something fierce.
In my many travels, I have seen a whole world of fantastic sites and rich cultures. But the most amazing thing I’ve seen is when five Thai ladyboys get into a brawl in front of a McDonalds over a 6 piece McNuggets they found in the trash and somehow it breaks down into all of them offering free blowjobs to whoever walks by in exchange for scrap metal. That shit is priceless, no matter how many fucking times you see it.
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,
Kevin Farley
