Category Archives: Overviews & Re-Caps

Overviews & re-caps of broadcasts from The Jason Ellis Show.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/28/2014

Posted on by
Reply
xgames

Taking stupid to new levels!

Sexual degenerate Jason Ellis is live! But let’s not fuck around here, we got some serious news to get into. MLG and ESPN have teamed up for the first-ever e-sports event at X-Games in Austin, Texas. That’s right, the world of action sports has been so diluted now that button pushing video gamers will now have a chance to win an X-TREME BRONZE, or a REALLY X-TREME SILVER, or the all mighty REALLY SUPER DOUBLE X-TREME GOLD medal in the X-Games. Ah yes, people will remember where they were at when Jimmy Pisspants pulled off the first ever “trash talk you mom, B, A, B, A” button combo! Remember that one time that video game character died and got tea bagged by another video game character? Riveting. Ellis is heated about this and refuses to go to X-Games. Dingo, being the savvy investor he is, understands the bold move but also thinks it’s pretty funny. Tully agrees that fine, people can be into video games and watch other people play video games, but the combination doesn’t belong or work together. This topic took up the entire first hour of the show, which is understandable due to the nature of the channel, the show, and Ellis & company.

kenda-is-calling

Dingo’s reaction to Kenda calling in.

Before the show could go into break, Kenda Perez called in with this past weekends UFC bouts in Baltimore. Overall, the fights were pretty good. Two quick side notes here. 1. Ellis had a dream about Rhonda Rousey where she wouldn’t let him train at her gym but held his hand while she told him this, so that’s sweet. And 2. Dingo needs a potty break, but toughed it out since Kenda was on the phone. Anyway, Jones once again defended his title, this time against Glover Teixeira. Phil Davis lost his fight against Anthony Johnson. Some dude with gauges in his earlobes fought with his gross jump rope earlobes taped up so a finger or toe wouldn’t accidentally get caught in there rip that shit. Oh, and this 5′ 11″ chick fighter dressed in all green looked kinda like a female Jolly Green Giant – also, she lost her fight. Anyway, I’m not reporting all that, you can go online to read what all happened if you haven’t already seen it. And that lead us into the first break where Dingo could go potty.

hardcores-scene

An alleged peek into Hardcore’s flat last night.

Moto news time. Villopoto won and seemed like he hated it and he’s still on top of the overall standings. Eli Tomac took 2nd, and Josh Hill took 3rd. James Stewart withdrew from the race with an apparent injury to his left leg, allegedly. That pretty much wraps up the season, even though there is still 1 more race to go. Hey, did you see that piece of shit dad who was caught on tope kicking his 6-year-old son down a skateboard ramp? Pretty fucked up. We got to hear some HateBean tracks today. We also got to ask how everyone is doing today and thankfully everyone seems to be doing very well, except for Hardcore & Cumtard – he’s a little cranky today. Ellis tried to whip him back into a good mood, but Cumtard feels like he received mixed messages during the motivational talk. I don’t know how the message could be mixed. I mean, “Tell yourself you’re worth a fucking shit, you stupid bag of retarded cum.” seems pretty clear to me. HEYOH! Anyway, the guys all spent about 30 minutes giving advice and pep talks to Cumtard and his mental & physical health. So why is Hardcore all cranky? He’s got girl problems son. He doesn’t really want to discuss it, but he did admit that he slept on the couch last night and when he woke up this morning, they didn’t say a word to each other and he just went to work. As we all know, that means you’re wrong – even if you’re right – you’re still wrong. He’s gonna have to bite the bullet on this one and stop being stubborn. And this took us into our second break for the day. Hour and half segments today, there’s just TOO MUCH SHOW!

beer-spillage

Looks like she has a drinking problem.

And we’re back! Next week the show is going to do a “worst music on YouTube” segment that you can help with by sending in links to said horrible music to the show. That does not include the video I sent into the show called “Shit Don Frye Says”. Turns out Don’s a little creepy, but he’s also pretty funny. And insane. And tough as hell. And he don’t give two shits who the fuck you are, he’ll talk shit on ya. So the owner of the LA Clippers, Donald Sterling, has been caught on tape with a racist rant. Supposedly only 15 minutes of the audio was leaked, but there is over an hour’s worth of this audio, allegedly of course. What makes it really odd, I mean, besides his clear racism, is that his girlfriend is half black and half Mexican. Also, gross. He’s got old balls. I missed a few minutes after that because I’m sought after fellow for my sage-like advice and wisdom. HA! When I came back, there was talk about acid and some dude getting some harsh jail time. This led us into talk about brain steroids, aka Adderall, and how them pesky college kids are doing that shit up. And this in turn brought about a story of Ellis getting a massage in Thailand from this lady who smoked some meth before getting to work on the massage. Apparently Dog The Bounty Hunter hasn’t been to Thailand because the ice is flowin’, son! Oh yeah, and there’s some discussion going on with Ellis’ manager and the possibility of EllisMania 10 and possibly SpikeTV! Dingo surprised the show with gifts and it’s not even Christmas, he gave everyone some Beats by Dre headphones. We left off with some final calls, where a lady-boy from Taiwan was happy to be able to smoke crack with Mr. Jason Erris and say how much they miss him. So there ya have it, a nutshell. So to speak. And now it’s time I bid you farewell, until we meet again. If you catch my drift. BONER JAMS 2014!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 4/25/2014

Posted on by
Reply

Welcome to a very special Friday recap of The Jason Ellis Show. Ellis started off by educating is an d shit. He said when you truly give it all you got you can accomplish anything and be awesome or something like that. Ellis also says that he’s been getting a barrage of hateful tweets from O&A fans saying he’s a fag and hopes he has AIDS but thankfully Tully says that hate deaths are down and that’s a good thing. Jetta doesn’t hate other people but he is completely shoe racist and won’t wear Adidas. Ellis won’t wear Rebok or Affliction either unless you pay him enough, so I guess he’s kinda brand racist too but that’s okay because anybody wearing Affliction clothing is probably too stupid to know anyway. The UFC this weekend (yesterday) with crazy bones jones (guess who won). I’m not gonna give you any spoilers though, that’s Twitters job. Ellis also got his beard trimmed in Hollywood and he remembered why that place sucks balls so much, it’s all the Persians and their richer than you, I know P Ditty bullshit. Nobody cares if you know P Diddy, my friend once got kicked in the chest by Phil Anselmo so suck it! Ellis then talked about the surgery he needs to fix his heart so it doesn’t get all crazy fucked up again. Speaking of getting all fucked up (Segway pro!) Tully went to a Cochella party and smoked a bunch of weed, which he never does, and then went to bed. That mother fucker is a party animal! Then a guy called in and asked when it’s time to get divorced. The answer is now, now is a good time. If you’re asking that question then run like your head is on fire and your ass is catchin!

8130

In Cock News there was a story on the TV show Sex Sent Me To The ER, a dude named Sean went into the great out doors naked because his chick laughed at his performance between the sheets and a legless lizard climbed up inside of his pee hole. After they did that riveting story of nature and pee holes the guys then gave some new Wolfknife members their names. I’d tell you what they all are but I didn’t write them down so tough shit. If you want some Wolfknife gear of your own go to http://www.shopbenchmark.com/jasonellis and hook yourself up. Use promo code NoYouAre for a 0% discount.

The Grenade Games 10 is this weekend also (hell it’s probably over by now) hosted by Danny and Dingo. If you want more information on this epic event go to Grenadegloves.com. They played a video of John Dailey hitting a golf ball out of a woman’s

This is why girls aren't allowed to play i the Grenade Games.

This is why girls aren’t allowed to play in the Grenade Games.

mouth but she left with all her teeth so I’m not gonna waste my time looking for it. Dan Bilzarian is a millionaire playboy guy who has way too many Instagram followers and also has a video of him throwing some chick off his roof into his pool. I did find this video because she busted her foot and I know what my readers want! That and she’s naked. Cosmos wrote a story on the things men do in secret. Some of those things are:

  • Hang towel off penis, yup
  • Dries balls with blow dryer, allegedly
  • Tinker with things AKA fix shit, duh
  • Tuck their penises between their legs, no comment
  • Try to suck ourselves off, nope, can’t reach
  • Rub their stomachs, why is this on here
  • Eat things without proper bowls, dishes, or proper utensils, less shit to wash later
  • Flex in the mirror, welcome to the gun show
  • And they think what they would do if the building they were in were attacked by assassins, whoop ass, period!

In Canadian News Prime Minister Bigfoot’s kid had a party at the Canadian White House (probably just a really big log cabin) and there was a lady barfing outside in the drive. I think download (5)this made the news because most of the snow is melted so the weather department doesn’t have much else to do. Cumtard came in with a new bit he put together while on vacation. He showed pictures of everyone on the show to random people at Comicon and asked them questions about the people in the photos. The general consensus is that Will is an angry cho-mo, Kevin should work at a video game store, Jetta is a raging weiner wrestler, Tully looks suspiciously normal, and Ellis probably committed a felony. They were almost right. This inspired me to show people pictures of yer mum and the general reply was raging boners and a stinging burning feeling during urination, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 4/23/2014

Posted on by
Reply

Well holy shit that was a long ass vacation eh? And as much as you missed the show, I’m sure you missed our nonsensical, feces laced rants about it 4 hours after it ended. As a matter of fact, I’ve got a uncooperative little poo goblin with his foot halfway out the door as I type this. The goblin being a turd and the door being my B-hole. Moving along! What you are all really here to find out, what you have all been waiting to hear is: What’s the deal with Jason’s heart? Not like “Will he ever learn to love someone” kind of heart but “OH MY GOD MY HEART IS GOING TO EXPLODE AND I’M GOING TO DIE PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME ODEN I’VE STILL GOT TO FINISH THIS SEASON OF VIKINGS” kind of heart problems. Sunday night, after a day with the kids and hitting a particularly hard Onnit workout after a week of no training, Ellis felt his heart do a little stutter step….And another….and it wouldn’t stop. Naturally, with Ellis’ history, he freaked out, and went to the hospital. It turns out his heart has something called an Atrial Fibrilation, or A-fib. Read about it here, if you care. Basically, it’s a heart rhythm disorder and has a lot of other complications that come with it. Ellis really thought he was going to die, so he texted Sluggo, who he apparently had been having a beef with that we didn’t know about. He also texted his mom, but she never texted back so, the hell with her. But, you cannot kill The Wing, he just isn’t ready to die, and he plans on sticking around to entertain the shit out of all of us for the foreseeable future and holy shit did they do just that with today’s show.

The intro with Katie was finally revealed, and God damnit, it’s a thing of beauty. It’s like in Hustle and Flow when they brought that pregnant ho in to sing the hook on a song , they just didn’t know they had the pot of gold under their nose their whole time. And Katie is in studio today as well. Anyway, so Ellis’ trip to Thailand. A week is probably too long in the land of Thai, especially because of all the sunglass selling lady boys. Ellis was offered hand jobs left and right and he maybe sort of took a right at one point but hey who the fuck are you to think you wouldn’t take a handjob in Thailand? Don’t let them put their mouth on it before, because their economy is based off blowjobs and sunglasses sales, and that’s a recipe for herpes or some God awful bacterial shit disease. In any case, Katie and Ellis had a good time minus the 20 hour flights and constant lady boy offers.

Some of the quick filler news stories: A woman was arrested for selling heroin out of her hospital room in the ICU. Which if nothing else, you have to respect that hustle. That you can be in such need of immediate medical care, you are in the ICU but still gotta sell that heroin. A family’s easter egg hunt was interrupted by an awful smell that was eventually led to a dead body underneath the porch. Crazy enough, that’s the same way my Prom date was found the next day. This got Ellis to a story about how when he was in Australia and some chick broke his heart so he went in the back yard with a hand scythe and mowed the grass down until he felt better. Also, Jefferey Chapman should change his name to Boob Chapman. He has  “Murder” tattooed on his chest backwards, like Katie. OH! Speaking of Katie!! Ellis let a little something slip that made me almost put my car into the ditch laughing so hard. Did. You. Know. Katie. You know Katie, Jason’s girlfriend. SHE once hooked up with a one Jared Leto. Katie got super embarrassed for banging the lead bitch of 30 Seconds to Mars. And not to mention she must have been wiping off guy-liner out of her crevices for months. She apparently blushed really hard too when Christian, the Spice Girl fucker pressed her about if she went all the way with him.

jared leto

Jared Leto, after his night with Katie.

Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub came on the show today. And in case you didn’t know who Bryan Callen is, it’s this guy:

Callen

Bryan and Brendan are a good fucking mix for the show. They do their own podcast, called Fighter and the Kid, so they know their way around a talk only show. They started the conversation talking about Bryan and Brendan and how they go out and Brendan picks up dime pieces(their words, not mine) and keeps lady trophies. Bryan was game right out of the gate trying to get to know the show and Ellis, and it was fun listening to him increasingly become more and more interested. Especially when he threw out a story about a chick he had that was sort of into blood play. He presented the story as this crazy out of control thing that happened to which Ellis and Katie replied: “Yeah, we do that.” Thus began Bryan Callen’s slow descent into love and obsession with Katie and Ellis. Bryan had questions upon questions and Katie and Ellis obliged every single one, from deep cutting during sex to blood in their coffee. And holy shit was Bryan into it. By the end of the interview, it seemed like the Jason Ellis Show grew a very famous and very die hard fan. They talked about more than just Jason and Katie fucking though. Ellis opened up finally about the whole O&A fiasco last month. If you didn’t know, Ellis said his show was better than Opie and Anthony’s and was bigger at that. Opie and Anthony got a wad in their twat about it, and Ellis never said a word. Truth is, Tim Sabean called Ellis to ask him not to say anything to squash the beef immediately. So that’s what happened with that. Anyways, back to Bryan and Brendan, Bryan is totally enthralled with Katie and Jason’s passion for each other and Brendan is simultaneously horrified. But no matter the level of interest in Katie and Jason’s sex life, those two guys are fucking great on the show. And I definitely heard the chemistry between the two guys and how that would certainly make for a great podcast. Once again, it’s called The Fighter and The Kid and can be found anywhere podcasts are found.

Also, don’t forget, Jason is taking tomorrow off to go see a top cardiologist to make sure everything is working ok, so we have one more day of best of before a more than likely kick ass Friday show. So don’t be the cunt that whines about how many best of’s there have been this week. Nobody likes you.

Also, Katie hooked up with Jared Leto.

Show Recap for Friday 4/11/2014

Posted on by
Reply

You knew an hour before Ellis because he was late but he knows now and I’m still sitting here not knowing a fucking thing. Wanna know what I do know? Blood eagles are not a rare species of eagle. It’s an old Viking torture and execution ritual. For Oden of course. Wanna know something else I didn’t know? Old people stay up way later than I do so they can watch Jim Jim Fallon and the Colbert Report. They talked a lot about late night TV shows and since I’m responsible and black out at a reasonable hour and I couldn’t relate or really understand what they were saying. It was like listening to two Canadians talk to each other about hockey. This is also the last show before Ellis and Katie go to Fuckit. There is a lot of preparation that is needed for a trip to Fuckit, you need rubber gloves, condoms, dental dams, antibiotics, boner pills, anti inflammatories, and a bottle of ketchup. Oh wait, that’s yer mums shopping list, my bad. A cop who was suffering a temporary lapse of mental retardation pulled over a porn star for speeding, let her blow him, filmed it, asked her to put it on her blog, then have her the ticket anyway. Yeah he’s not on the streets protecting and serving anymore. Incase you haven’t seen the video of a topless Rampage Jackson fuckin up a McDonald’s then you don’t pay attention to twitter. You’re probably one of those people that does all their work at work making the rest of us look bad. Asshole.

In today’s MMA News a bunch of dudes are punching each other in de face and rubbing their sweaty crotches against each other in Abu Dhabi. Just another typical Abu Dhabian night. Also in MMA News, ladies and gentlemen, HATEBEAN! Will graced us with an early releases of his new singles Feeling Pretty Farty, Cock Vomit, and Mud Date (Rape). While on the subject of date rape, Kevin and Jetta came into studio to test the carbon fart pad that’s supposed to absorb all foul fecal fumes that might escape from your turd cutter.

Smells like roses. Hairless fucking roses!

Smells like roses. Hairless fucking roses!

Unfortunately Jetta has a super loose butthole and couldn’t contain his ass gass enough to release the poison. But Christian did! And according to Cumtard the pad worked perfectly. That or Christians farts actually smell like febreeze and hit music. Breaking news, science has now developed a new Easy Bake Vagina Oven for women who were born without a cookie. Science, still can’t cure cancer, but they’re fixing mangled and missing carnivals worldwide! Priorities. And keeping with the shit theme they played Ikea or death metal band? I would give examples of some of the names but most of them we’re sounds more than words. Kinda like the African pop and click language.

If you think your shitty band is awesome and want to be apart of Unsigned Bands then send your recorded crap to submittoellis@gmail.com and after vacation they will verify how much you suck and the least sucky band will get a weeks worth of airplay and your music career will finally reach it’s pinnacle. They talked about a guy with a toothache that was healed by god, not a dentist. This information has rocked the dental community world wide, apparently you don’t really need to do anything but watch some fat tv preacher and hope he vaguely mentions the symptoms you have and boom! Your healed. Magic! Speaking of magic, here’s a video of half of a dog for your half dog watching pleasure. After watching that Ellis cleaned up the button bar for the last time and also did the last ever Dude Am I A Slut. It’s sad to see this glorious bit leave us but let’s all be honest, the quality of callers has declined greatly and this bit should have been pushed out to pasture by a tractor and shot repetitively in the head until it no longer moved and shit itself and left for the coyotes. Then there was Queef Latina. I have nothing to say about this, ever.

Goodbye Sluts, you will be missed.

Goodbye Sluts, you will be missed.

In Dolphin News the dude who captured and trained Flippers says one committed suicide and that dolphin suicide is totally possible. So is dolphin rape and they also get high, so basically they’re the cute asshole people of the ocean. Will came In with more new Wolfknife members and so today we salute Gape Crusader, Ricky Bobby, Phil Anthropist, Ally McBeave, Gas Hole, Gayco, Patrick Dumpset, Blood Eagle, and Hairy Baby. In 1962 scientists gave an adult elephant 3000 doses of acid to try to make it rampage, it died. Science learned that you shouldn’t do that much acid. Even if you’re an elephant. A Texas man was arrested for walking around with an ak47 dressed as a banana. He was promoting the new gun shop. Texas, am I right! A Long Island nursing home got sued because they hired a male stripper to dance for all the geriatrics. Kinda stupid because the ones that don’t forget the incident in a week will probably just die anyway. Final calls sucked until THC called, he is

Now I know where yer mum got it from

Now I know where yer mum got it from

the best final caller ever and I will totally kiss his ass in this recap saying everything he said was super awesome so that someday he can say “oh yeah! You’re that guy!” Cuz I’m totally that guy. Do you have shitty breath and about as much dental huge e habits as a goat? Well do I have the product for you! Brand new in the toothpaste world and for the low low price of only 84 dollars you can get some weird Japanese breath scent things to add to your toothpaste like pie, Indian curry, plums, or even fresh yogurt! Now people won’t think your breath smells like shit, they’ll think it smells like shit and curry! But wait there’s more! If you order now not only will you get the breath shit enhancer but you will get a second tube totally free! Just pay shipping and handling. But wait! If you order now yer mum will personally include a free hand job with the first 10,000 orders! STD’s included, OH!

Show Recap for Thursday 4/10/2014

Posted on by
Reply

Is this pen gonna work? No? How about this one? Nope? Fuck. Dammit. I hate this pen. Uggghhhh…I need new pens so bad. Blah, blah, blah, this one will work, I guess. <3 <3 <3
Because, according to my notes, that is how the show started today!!!! In actuality…welcome to the recapiest recap of the recapable recapacapacap written by a lady wielding a vagina this week of The Jason Ellis Show!!! You’ve missed me!!! You know it!!! So many things have happened on the past couple of Thursdays, except not, because there was no show just some Best Of and you came to this site neeeeeeeding to see the beautiful words that I write and you were left wanting. I know. The horror. That’s probably why I got so many new followers on instagram without needing to post pictures of my butt or put copious amounts of cleavage in my avi. Yeah, I know, I know what goes on.

But really this time.

Welcome to your favorite site of recaps that has ever existed for The Jason Ellis Show! Ellis opened up the show today talking about how he has one microphone stick that says ‘host’ and another one which says ‘God’ and that’s a lot to live up to, but Ellis gets down with pressure and he is up for the challenge, so fuck you! Probably. Because, you know, there’s a lot of shit that you come up against in life, like being young and having to blow some people and your bones coming out of your arm, and while they may not have expressly happened to you, everyone has their shit stories (and if you don’t you’re either lying and we all hate you, or you live a charmed life and we’d all hate you if you weren’t so awesomely charmed) and you have to suck it up and keep on going. I don’t really know if Ellis got to that part of the message, but that’s the message he’s always throwing out there and I was driving by this point and that’s what I’m saying, so feel free to take it as gospel. From an atheist. Boom. Mind blown.

Anywhoooo…all of this talk of shit going down in your life and it being scary as shit having your bones come out of your arm (that almost happened to me when I was 8 and even being on the brink of having bones splinter and erupt through your flesh is pretty goddamn terrifying) snowballed into talk about scary movies and scary things and how the horror genre has made the shift from the Saw-based realistic (sort of) horror to the more supernatural horror movies that we have been getting over the last few years like…uh….I keep seeing a preview for Oculus which looks supernatural and terrifying….so that is my example. I don’t watch horror movies because my life has been horrific enough and I was scarred for life by Jason Goes to Hell when I was about 6 years old (seriously…I was present during a conversation about Michael Meyers about 2 years ago and I had nightmares about him for a week…it was a conversation…I didn’t even watch the fucking movie) and basically even the worst, non-scary movie out there will give me anxiety attacks for a month. I feel like I’ve said this before to you guys who are nameless and faceless and reading this, so, if that’s true…sorry for the re-hash of a re-cap…but it’s applicable, so fuck you at the same time…kind of. Ellis enjoys the ‘it can actually happen’ horror movies as opposed to Tully who likes the supernatural horror movies, because Ellis wants to see some movies where big wild animals like Lions, and Tigers, and Bears (oh my!) are walking around chewing on a still struggling Dorothy as opposed to linking arms with her and singing and dancing their way to Oz…because that shit is frightening for realsies. Tully explains that he prefers the supernatural horror because he, in real life, would get locked into a cage with a lion and be resigned to his fate and not surprised at the prospect of the lion attacking and mauling him to death, but he doesn’t really know how he would react if the supernatural forces out there were out to get him and tear him limb from limb with their supernaturalforciness. I get that. Either way…I’m not fucking watching. So there.

On the supernatural wave we shall surf further and talk of shadow people that Will saw as a child, and no- he was not referring to black people, he was talking about some sort of oogly-googly ghosties that would send Shaggy and Scooby Doo scrambling for the comfort of the nearest hilarious object to hide in. And even still speaking of the supernatural…how come the guys from those Ghost Hunter television shows were never contacted about having Ellis on their show? Wilson, where are you? Oh, wait, what’s that? They were contacted and they seemed none too eager to have a potentially adversarial person who doesn’t believe in the supernatural at all on the show? Oh. Well. Oh….jerks. It would have been entertaining. We all know by now that Ellis has absolutely no belief in the supernatural because he’s been all over the world and on all sorts of drugs and the closest thing that he’s ever come to a supernatural experience is when he put a can of Sprite down and it shimmied its way across the coffee table…but he kept his cool and did some googling…and it was from the condensation, guys, so calm down. Tully is pretty skeptical regarding the whole supernatural thing…I remember him briefly talking about an experience with a tape recorder or something and relating it to his own unknown psychic energy (except when he explained it, it didn’t involve the words psychic energy at all and sounded way more plausible) so I really think that he could go either way when confronted by the whole supernatural thing, which is why he is more scared by horror movies that are supernatural in nature. And I’m soooooo over typing out the word supernatural. Moving on, there was talk about Sasquatch and how they can’t exist, and people still think that they exist, and getting a budget to pull some wicked awesome squatch pranks on unsuspecting people.

Back from the first break, Tully tells us that there was a 63 year old woman in Tathta, Australia went for an annual swim with some other swimmers and never returned. Going from the news story he was reading, Tully told us all that no remains had been found and no one was really sure about what happened to the woman, other than she had apparently perished at some point during the swim, which is a pretty normally swam route, and they made a couple jokes about her being the weakest of the pack singled out and she was probably gotten by a shark. Well…good guess, guys, cause the news story that I turned up and linked to says that, yeah, a shark got her. Ellis informs us, his avid listeners, that shark attacks are on the rise because of everyone being bad to the environment, so you better watch the fuck out or you’re gonna get eaten by a shark. Get green or get dead is the sage advice that Mr. Tully bestows on us…and yeah…I’m never going into the ocean again. Except not, because I live on an island and the beach is where I like to live during the summertime. Al Gore apparently is a frisky fuck when it comes to massages and is always out for a happy ending, but never goes to any of the places where a happy ending is part of the package, and I don’t remember how that part of the conversation came about…probably something to do with the environment talk…but…there you go. On to more water creatures, Tully shows Ellis a video that he was turned on to by Justin and Maya (the people who donated oodles of money to hungry kids for the chance to hang out with Ellis) that showed killer whales chasing a boat which sounds like it could be a plot to a B-Horror Movie , but it was just a video and no one died, which is very unlike a horror movie. All’s well that ends well.

Ellis then gets talking about how he was listening to Faction this morning and he heard Rick Thorne spew a quick promo for The Jason Ellis Show, to which Ellis took extreme exception to. Why? Because he is being promoted as a pro-fighter/skateboarder and that’s not how he wants to be portrayed. Like. At. All. Why? Because he had one pro fight and he’s been retired from skateboarding, like, forever, and why can’t he just be called a radio host? Will comes in to explain that the couple of words are supposed to pique people’s interest who haven’t heard of the show anymore…and he and Ellis go back and forth with Ellis saying he would rather not promote the show at all (which is probably not his best idea ever) but if he had to, he wanted to be able to approve the way that it’s promoted (which is a much better idea and completely reasonable). Bitpimps was blasting my twitter feed with all of his hilarious succinct TJES descriptions and callers tried calling the show to put their two cents in…but the winners of the non-game were Tully with Extreme Punchmaster Jason Ellis, Jason Cupcake Ellis, and The Radio Boomerangatan Jason Ellis, and @sharkchucker with Sexual Degenerate Jason Ellis. Lmao. Way to go Sharkchucker. I personally agreed with @serutti who described it as ‘the best show that you aren’t listening to’ and was all ‘squeeeeeee’ that they got some TJES time, because I’m a geek like that and I go ‘Hey, I know them!’ They watched a couple of more videos including one where a guy and girl where high on Salvia, which is some sort of drug, and the bitch sounded completely from another planet because of it and did the ‘chick thing’ (according to Tully) where she got so high that she needed a hug. Yeah. I do that when I get too drunk. I need hugs. I get it. It’s annoying. They take a break here and I’m not making it a separate paragraph because back from the break they watch a video of an interview done in 1994 with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley where Paul Stanley won the respect of Tully by calling out Gene Simmons on his bullshit and which, if you didn’t listen to the show, you should go and check out, because it was pretty epic.

Guest! Guest in the studio! And oh boy what a guest because it was CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI and if that isn’t really his middle name he should have it changed!! Yes, that’s right, Christopher Meloni of Law and Order SVU Detective Elliot Stabler fame and new show Surviving Jack which airs Thursdays on Fox at 9:30pm fame was on The Jason Ellis Show…and I am such a nerd that I am going to say that that’s because THE JASON ELLIS SHOW IS THE BEST GODDAMN SHOW OF ALL TIME FUCK EVERYONE ELSE HOLY CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI!!!!!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh my God, oh my God…this was the most exciting thing to me everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes, of course talking to Ellis and Tully killed it and so did hanging with Jude…but CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI, guys) and I was so happy and I loved the interview because he has such a sexy man voice (can you tell I love a guy with a great voice ::cough cough:: Jude ::cough cough::) and I did manage to pay attention and be squeaky happy and laugh out loud probably way more than was necessary. I’m not going to say it was the best interview to ever happen on the show because I’m not that insane or blinded by my love of older men…but it was a solid interview. Ellis got to talk to Meloni about loving Detective Stabler, how Ellis was in a movie and sucked at acting, and Meloni got to plug his new sticom, Surviving Jack. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, even though Ellis thinks he pissed him off by being so gaga over Stabler even though Stabler hasn’t been on SVU in a while. But, seriously, let’s face facts, there’s no such thing as Law and Order SVU without Stabler…that show is, for all intents and purposes over. I encourage you to to listen to the interview on demand as my recap of the interview was basically me fangirling out of my face. Christopher Meloni wants to be on Children’s Hospital, is a dad, is fit, and is a hero to black people because he was Detective Stabler, and he is all for gay rights, called Johnny Depp ‘a cool cat’ (and I for real swooned because no young person calls anyone a cool cat), and…yeah. Yeah. No, I haven’t watched his new television show because I don’t watch tv anymore (except for The Walking Dead, The Following, and cartoons) but I may check it out on demand at some point because Meloni is a walking sexpot so far as I’m concerned. Yeah…like I said, check it out on demand because CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI.

After another break Katie is in the studio and she did the workout and the intro lines and she sounded sexy and wonderful and of course this is what Ellis should have done from the beginning. She went through the script twice and did a buttload of squats and…I wish I were cool enough to think that I could be in a position to want to be friends with her…but I’m not…so I prefer to just admire her from a distance and be like ‘i wish i were cool enough to want to be friends with her’. I love Katie. I love when she’s on the show, I love her instagram pics and her tweets…I’m a good stalker. The time that I commented on one of her pics and she commented back is a moment that I hold near and dear to my heart…it was like a year ago and I have yet to forget it. I don’t have a girl crush on her…but I really like her and think that she’s great. My crush is on @nikoort and I’m not afraid to say it. Boom. Anyway. After Katie does the workout and the intro they take a quick one song break to regroup and so she can catch her breath, and it’s time for the end of the show and some final calls. Ellis and Tully talk to a guy named Adam over skype who wants to be part of the biggest loser fight at EM10 and Ellis tells him that if he loses the most weight then he will find someone for him to fight. Also…anyone who’s trying for a biggest loser fight spot is the winner if they’re really going for it…because they are looking to better their lives and are gonna get more in shape and live longer…so woooooooooooo!!!! Final calls actually weren’t all that horrible and were interspersed with Ellis, Tully, Katie, Cumtard, and Wilson trying to come up with tortures for the Dice of Doom (basically the torture wheel on dice) and it all culminates with Cumtard getting karate kicked in the neck by Jason. Boom.

Things we learned on the show today (you missed this, admit it)

Tiggie saw Paranormal Activity 4 and has nightmares from it thanks to the bad thinking of Ellis’ ex brother in law :(

Will Sees Dead People

CumTard is back to pooping turds instead of rocket sharting diarrhea

Tully thinks Swamp Scottie is a character and not a real person

Group MMA Team Fighting is a really bad idea

#MadRespectPaulStanley

CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI

Christopher Meloni doesn’t scare black people at intersections…black people lurve him

Part of being in love is being afraid of losing the other person

Lemmy from Motorhead is a toadface and super unattractive sexually…but still fucks a lot of bitches

Tyler Posey ate at Chik-Fil-A, Ellis called him, TyPo took the pic off Instagram, and it was all no big deal and now TyPo knows not to eat there

Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new movie bombed…but it will surely be a cult classic

“You know I’m not lying when I say Motherfucker” – Jason Ellis