You knew an hour before Ellis because he was late but he knows now and I’m still sitting here not knowing a fucking thing. Wanna know what I do know? Blood eagles are not a rare species of eagle. It’s an old Viking torture and execution ritual. For Oden of course. Wanna know something else I didn’t know? Old people stay up way later than I do so they can watch Jim Jim Fallon and the Colbert Report. They talked a lot about late night TV shows and since I’m responsible and black out at a reasonable hour and I couldn’t relate or really understand what they were saying. It was like listening to two Canadians talk to each other about hockey. This is also the last show before Ellis and Katie go to Fuckit. There is a lot of preparation that is needed for a trip to Fuckit, you need rubber gloves, condoms, dental dams, antibiotics, boner pills, anti inflammatories, and a bottle of ketchup. Oh wait, that’s yer mums shopping list, my bad. A cop who was suffering a temporary lapse of mental retardation pulled over a porn star for speeding, let her blow him, filmed it, asked her to put it on her blog, then have her the ticket anyway. Yeah he’s not on the streets protecting and serving anymore. Incase you haven’t seen the video of a topless Rampage Jackson fuckin up a McDonald’s then you don’t pay attention to twitter. You’re probably one of those people that does all their work at work making the rest of us look bad. Asshole.
In today’s MMA News a bunch of dudes are punching each other in de face and rubbing their sweaty crotches against each other in Abu Dhabi. Just another typical Abu Dhabian night. Also in MMA News, ladies and gentlemen, HATEBEAN! Will graced us with an early releases of his new singles Feeling Pretty Farty, Cock Vomit, and Mud Date (Rape). While on the subject of date rape, Kevin and Jetta came into studio to test the carbon fart pad that’s supposed to absorb all foul fecal fumes that might escape from your turd cutter.
Unfortunately Jetta has a super loose butthole and couldn’t contain his ass gass enough to release the poison. But Christian did! And according to Cumtard the pad worked perfectly. That or Christians farts actually smell like febreeze and hit music. Breaking news, science has now developed a new Easy Bake Vagina Oven for women who were born without a cookie. Science, still can’t cure cancer, but they’re fixing mangled and missing carnivals worldwide! Priorities. And keeping with the shit theme they played Ikea or death metal band? I would give examples of some of the names but most of them we’re sounds more than words. Kinda like the African pop and click language.
If you think your shitty band is awesome and want to be apart of Unsigned Bands then send your recorded crap to firstname.lastname@example.org and after vacation they will verify how much you suck and the least sucky band will get a weeks worth of airplay and your music career will finally reach it’s pinnacle. They talked about a guy with a toothache that was healed by god, not a dentist. This information has rocked the dental community world wide, apparently you don’t really need to do anything but watch some fat tv preacher and hope he vaguely mentions the symptoms you have and boom! Your healed. Magic! Speaking of magic, here’s a video of half of a dog for your half dog watching pleasure. After watching that Ellis cleaned up the button bar for the last time and also did the last ever Dude Am I A Slut. It’s sad to see this glorious bit leave us but let’s all be honest, the quality of callers has declined greatly and this bit should have been pushed out to pasture by a tractor and shot repetitively in the head until it no longer moved and shit itself and left for the coyotes. Then there was Queef Latina. I have nothing to say about this, ever.
In Dolphin News the dude who captured and trained Flippers says one committed suicide and that dolphin suicide is totally possible. So is dolphin rape and they also get high, so basically they’re the cute asshole people of the ocean. Will came In with more new Wolfknife members and so today we salute Gape Crusader, Ricky Bobby, Phil Anthropist, Ally McBeave, Gas Hole, Gayco, Patrick Dumpset, Blood Eagle, and Hairy Baby. In 1962 scientists gave an adult elephant 3000 doses of acid to try to make it rampage, it died. Science learned that you shouldn’t do that much acid. Even if you’re an elephant. A Texas man was arrested for walking around with an ak47 dressed as a banana. He was promoting the new gun shop. Texas, am I right! A Long Island nursing home got sued because they hired a male stripper to dance for all the geriatrics. Kinda stupid because the ones that don’t forget the incident in a week will probably just die anyway. Final calls sucked until THC called, he is
the best final caller ever and I will totally kiss his ass in this recap saying everything he said was super awesome so that someday he can say “oh yeah! You’re that guy!” Cuz I’m totally that guy. Do you have shitty breath and about as much dental huge e habits as a goat? Well do I have the product for you! Brand new in the toothpaste world and for the low low price of only 84 dollars you can get some weird Japanese breath scent things to add to your toothpaste like pie, Indian curry, plums, or even fresh yogurt! Now people won’t think your breath smells like shit, they’ll think it smells like shit and curry! But wait there’s more! If you order now not only will you get the breath shit enhancer but you will get a second tube totally free! Just pay shipping and handling. But wait! If you order now yer mum will personally include a free hand job with the first 10,000 orders! STD’s included, OH!